Guard Your Eyes

GuardUrEyes
A website for Jews struggling to maintain their moral purity in today's world
  GUE Home New Website Forum Email List Stories Tips Hotline 12 Steps Filters Links FAQ Help Us Kosher Isle Contact  

Q. I have read about  the proper positions and abominations of oral sex, anal sex, etc. It seems the main prohibition involved here is of wasting seed. But if the woman is past menopause and can't give birth anymore, why should these prohibitions exist? Regular sex can not create a child anymore, so what is wrong with experimenting with different positions or other forms of sex such as anal or oral?

A. Thank you for asking this. It shows you are seeking the truth.

The prohibition of wasting seed has to do with a person's own sexual purity, and not with whether he can have children or not. The reasoning you used in your question should allow for wasting seed:

- when the wife is a Niddah

- when the wife is on birth control

- when the wife is pregnant

And obviously, this is not the case. Wasting seed is defined by our sages as such, whenever it is let out - not in the proper place.

 

The Ramba"m writes though, that one may do whatever he wants with his wife. There is also a Mitzvah to please one's wife, and the things that you are asking about can help with that as well, so in a sense, some of these things might even be considered a Mitzvah in certain circumstances. The only thing not allowed is "finishing" in oral or anal sex, because when one finishes in the wrong place, it is considered Zera Livatala (semen in vain).

 

Sexual purity has many, many levels, and a good Jew should ultimately strive for all of them. I don't know your situation, but if you are struggling with an addiction to pornography and masturbation, I wouldn't try to jump two rungs on the ladder at once or you may end up falling. For someone struggling with greater prohibitions, I would advise them to do whatever they want with their wife besides for "finishing" in oral or anal sex. But even this doesn't rule out foreplay that involves anal or oral sex. It's only the "finishing" that is a real halachic problem.

 

Once a person has conquered  pornography and masturbation, they may want to start working on even higher levels of sexual purity and fulfill all of the holy advice of our sages in regard to sexual intercourse with one's wife. www.jewishsexuality.com is a great source of information and advice in this area, i.e. the proper and holy way of having intercourse with one's wife.

 

Remember also, our sages said "There is a small organ in a man, if you feed it - it is hungry, if you starve it - it is satiated", "the more you feed it, the more you need it". Too much sex with one's wife and too much lusting - even in a Kosher way - can make it harder to break free of the Yetzer Hara in the long run.

 

See also here to learn more about the general attitude one should have with one's wife.

 

May Hashem be with you!