Guard Your Eyes

GuardUrEyes
A website for Jews struggling to maintain their moral purity in today's world
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Q. Can somebody explain how this partner thing works, do we talk on the phone or only email? And has it helped anyone and how?  I could use some help and would definitely consider it if it helps,  thanks.

A. Thanks for bringing that up. This is a good question and I want to explain the importance of this for everyone. As webmaster of GUE, I have seen many times that partners can be very helpful for someone trying to break free.

To address your first question, the partners can communicate by phone (if they both want), but usually sponsors or partners just keep in touch by e-mail... Now to address if and how it works:

1) The Pasuk in Mishlei (12,25) says ãÌÀàÈâÈä áÀìÆá àÄéùÑ éÇùÑÀçÆðÌÈä
Having someone to tell of your struggles helps break the Koach of the Yetzer Hara. This idea can be found in a lot of Sefarim as well. I remember seeing in the Noam Elimelech once that if someone really wants to break the Yetzer Hara, he should have a good friend who he tells everything to, and withholds nothing. This is a very powerful tool to break the Koach Hara.

2) Having a partner provides a very important aspect of "accountability". If a person knows there's someone out there waiting to hear that you're doing Ok, you won't want to disappoint them.

3) A partner gives you more strength in knowing that you are not struggling alone. Someone else is going through the same thing as you, together with you, and you are supporting each other. In a sense, a partner doubles your strength.

4) And lastly, but perhaps most importantly, it is the "opening up" that is one of the most important aspects of succeeding in this struggle. The Pasuk says îÀëÇñÌÆä ôÀùÑÈòÈéå ìÉà éÇöÀìÄéçÇ åÌîåÉãÆä åÀòÉæÅá éÀøËçÈí "One who hides his sins will not succeed, he who admits and ceases will be shown mercy". The Lashon of the Pasuk is interesting, what does it mean "he won't succeed"? Shouldn't it say "he won't be forgiven"? It could be that the Pasuk is hinting that for one who is struggling to STOP sinning but he is finding the Yetzer Hara too strong, the Pasuk is giving advice and saying "if you keep hiding it, you won't succeed". Only if you "open up" and admit your sins, not just to Hashem but to others as well, THEN you will succeed. We have been hiding these behaviors for so many years from everyone we know, thinking to ourselves that "nobody sees anyway". When we finally open up honestly to others and share our struggles (and encourage other strugglers as well), our whole way of thinking begins to change. We longer feel like acting out just because we are "alone" and "no one is around". We begin to feel the "partner" or "sponsor" or "group" that we have joined - they are there with us, watching us, encouraging us, and we also remember how we are encouraging THEM. See also here for more on the importance of opening up.

Indeed, R' Avraham J. Twerski, world renowned addiction expert, believes that "group support" is THE MOST powerful tool there is in breaking free of this insidious addiction. And having a partner or sponsor, is an important aspect of "group support".

See here for more on the different forms of group support that are available.