My SA sponsor has been sober for 26 years. He says that if he could be cured of the addiction he probably would decline the offer. That's how much of an opportunity for growth it has been to him. He says that most of the "old timers" in SA and AA say the same thing: It was G-d's will. If G-d created me an addict then so be it.

Recovery

Recovery is freedom from the bondage of self... from the slavery of obsessive thoughts and actions.

Recovery is being able to finally do nice things for the soul and let the body wait.

Recover is discovering one's buried talents, interests and purpose for living.

Recover is being able to know what is right and what is not.

Recover is being able to see oneself and others - as they really are.

Recovery is being excited about relationships, new and old.

Recovery is about learning and being able to remember and use the new learnings.

Recovery is the ability to feel, enjoy and appreciate what I have.

Recovery is a recognition that there is Divine Justice and that it is unquestionably a good thing.

Recovery is honesty with self, others and above all G-d.

Recovery is the progressive delight of recognizing how G-d is running the world.

Recovery is the pleasure of being less focused on "me".

Recovery is surrendering the materialistic drive to possess, control, and impress.

Recovery is the moral obligation to honor and respect spiritual wisdom and right-living in others.

Recovery is simplicity, purity and quietly influencing others to live spiritual lives.

Recovery is a deep gratitude to G-d for another chance.

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Q & A of the Day

Why does it get harder just as I start out?

Someone wrote on the forum how they had taken a number of steps to try and stay clean, but after just 2 days an unexpected test came up and he fell. He asks:

I just can't understand why G-d would add on this test after he sees I'm making the effort and setting up fences?

Response:

Often Hashem sends us tests we can't resist precisely when we are putting in effort and because we are putting in effort. (Like when Moshe first approached Pharaoh, he made the work even harder!) Perhaps Hashem does this to help us progress on our journey even faster, when our fall helps us realize a few things:

1) The fences we put up are not adequate. We need to reassess our battle-plan and make even better and stronger fences.

2) It makes us think, "do I really want to change" or am I just "forcing myself" by making lots of fences? (which ultimately won't last).

3) It makes us realize our powerlessness and become more dependant on Hashem.

All three of these recognitions are progress. So ignore the fall, and take the "gift" of this new awareness into your arsenal! :-)

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Filter Tip of the Day

"Those who come to be purified are helped"

We got an e-mail a few days ago:

Hi, I'm almost 16. Do you know of any filters I can put on my mom's computer that she won't know about?

The very next day someone sent us an e-mail:

I am using a great product called PC Pandora. It works very good. It costs $70 for 2 licenses and I found a coupon, so I paid only $54.38. I used just one license and I'm ready to donate the other license. It's a very broad and good program.

Visit their site and you will see www.pcpandora.com

It does everything:

- It filters

- It sends reports every 12 hours

- It sends keystrokes

- It runs in stealth mode (hidden in the background) or open

- It captures pictures

We put the two of them in touch... What open Siyatta Dishmaya!

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

Sharing Pain Can Help Others - And Ourselves

Dov wrote to "Tried-123":

Don't give up, keep reaching out for help. Oh, and you may find that you will get more recovery by reaching out to help others rather than by mainly helping yourself cope. And one great way to help others is just by sharing your real pain them, strange as it sounds. We're addicts - we lead with our weaknesses!

"Tried-123" responds:

I always thought that people are very uncomfortable with another person's pain... You think it helps people to hear someone else's real pain? How would that work?

Dov answers:

Well, first of all, it only works for people who already have pain of their own, like other addicts, for example. And then, only when they are open to it, like, for example, if they are throwing up their tzoress all over you. Or if they admit they have tzoress but are not willing to go any further and actually open up about it. Or for folks that are so ashamed of themselves, that they think they just need a rock to climb under.

These types generally feel quite relieved when they hear a real live mirror talking to them, and they see that their lives are not over - by a long shot. They often begin to undergo quite a life change as a result, and they have only you to thank, for sharing your tzoress with them.

A bit nutty?

Maybe.
So?

One more thing, and this goes for Torah as much as for recovery: I believe that as long as I am sharing with other what I have actually experienced by using it in my life, they can benefit from it. On the other hand, "teaching" or "saying over" great and true stuff, bounces off their hearts and is relatively useless - except to cause more guilt. Their brains get lifted while their bodies are still in the garbage - and they know it. I have seen this.

More true ideas and inspiration is not what we really need. We seem to need experience from action - more real, personal Truth. It's like talking about our relationship with Hashem vs. saying your netilas yodayim or shehakol like you are plainly and simply talking to Someone.

It's in the action, not in the thinking about action. Gevalt.

So, all your struggles and pain will help someone someday, for certain.
Your deep hashkafic he'aros? - maybe they will, maybe they won't.

752.

Monday ~ 28 Nissan, 5770 ~ April 12, 2010

In Today's Issue

Important Announcement/Plea:
Please help us with 2 or 3 names!

Two Big Mazal Tov's:
To "Ovadia" & "Letakein" upon reaching 90 days!

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Please Help!

Rabbosai,

We sent out an e-mail before Pesach about an upcoming fund-raising trip that we are planning for the sake of expanding our work at GYE. I would like to thank all those who responded, for their warm replies. Unfortunately though, we still have very few practical and serious "meetings" scheduled yet as a result of that e-mail.

So here's a recap in short:

Until now I have insisted on maintaining absolute anonymity. However, due to the urgency of the need, our proven success, and the confidence in our ability to help tens of thousands of Jews, I can no longer afford to sit quietly by when so much more can be done. We are at a turning point, and I truly hope that this fund-raising trip will enable us to take our work to a new level, b'Ezras Hashem.

After careful thought and consultation with others, we developed a proposal (or plan) for growth, which outlines what we would like to do in the coming year/s, and how we can expand to reach out and accommodate many more thousands of Jews of all stripes. The plan includes a budget that approximates what this would cost.

Please download a PDF file of our Plan over here

(Right-click and press "Save Target/Link As")

(If you have already seen our "Plan", it was recently updated to include more focus on the area of "Prevention", which I believe is just as important as "Treatment". Also, "Prevention" is something that everyone can relate to - and that no one would feel uncomfortable supporting.)

We estimate that within a year - and with a relatively modest budget, we will be able to increase our reach tenfold, and that we can, bs"d, in subsequent years, halt this epidemic amongst the Jewish People.

As my trip will be short, I plan to only meet with potential donors of 5K and up, and only with people who have seen our "Proposal / Plan" and would like to meet with me. I am turning to you in the hope of getting a few solid meetings of this nature. I would be happy to give in-depth personal presentations of our work, and outline exactly what we need to do to grow, and how much it would cost for the various areas we hope to expand in.

If you could please try to help us with 2 or 3 names of people to whom we can send our "Plan" to, it would be a great help - and a big zechus for you! It may be helpful to search carefully through your phone and e-mail contacts, and try to think of who might be warm to our work and may have the financial means to be a supporter. Once you think of someone, the best would be if you could call them personally with a short intro about our work, send them our plan, and then ask them if they would be willing to meet with me in person. But if you would prefer to stay anonymous, please just share with us their contact info and we'll take care of the rest.

With the Bracha of this past week's Parsha:

"Vi'hiskadashtem ve'hiyisem Kedoshim, Ki Kadosh Ani Hashem",

Thank you so much,

Yaakov

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Two Big Mazal Tov's!

GYE is B"H helping so many people regain control and stop living "double lives". Just yesterday, two people on our forum reached 90 days clean. One of them calls himself "Ovadia" and he wrote the following on the forum:

"I Have Come Home"

Thank you HaShem for bringing me to GYE, and thank you Guard for being a true Shaliach.

Here are my thoughts at 90 days. As R' Twerski put it in his beautiful article on Pesach, when one is freed spiritually, he is thankful for every second of his freedom. GYE has made me realize that the concept of Kedusha and being part of a holy nation is not just an elusive idea for "holy" people. It is within our grasp. And for this I truly have to thank HaShem for having the Zechus of having my part in His Plan.

What does liberation mean to me?

To go to work without constantly worrying (and knowing) am I going to act out today or will I be able to control myself?

Leaving work without feeling relieved that I made it through the day without acting out or frustration/guilt because tit happened yet again.

That I can go to sleep after my wife without diving for the ..... to act out.

I have learned to focus and be happy with what I have, not with what I don't.

That I can focus positively on my Avodas HaShem without feeling hypocritical and constant paradox.

Contrast: Sometimes I think back to those grotesque images which I have not seen for 90 days and I think, could this really be what interests me?? What a contrast between what I "gave up", and what I received instead. The contrast is beyond words.

Appreciation: I cannot express my appreciation enough to everyone here at GYE for literally saving my soul. I have received so much from you; so much Insight and understanding. But most of all support and guidance, and the feeling that in the times of darkness there are some very dear people out there who care. Thank you all so much. And of course I look forward to the grand GYE kumsits with all of you, with the Shor HaBor and the Leviasan!

Privilege:It has been the most amazing experience to have contact with so many emotionally and spiritually deep people/Neshomos. It has made me feel emotionally alive. I have had the opportunity to express my emotions and feelings without feeling inhibited or childish. And I also feel spiritually alive. A special type of Avodah different to learning and davening, but what gives more meaning and amplifies to all Ruchniyos.

Yet I feel some disappointment. Here at GYE we see that everyone has their own struggles. I might be wrong but it seems that there are different levels of addicts. I feel that my own addiction was just a bad habit I could not get out of and needed to be broken. What did it take? Openness and frank confrontation with my feelings and weaknesses; getting out of isolation and realizing that there is an effective way of breaking the habit. And more than anything, a framework within which to do this and the support which I received. And that is the tragedy. Why did it have to take so long to discover something so simple? I am sure that there are so many low level addicts out there like me, that don't need therapy or SA groups, just a healthy perspective and attitude, support and communication, realization that you are not alone or the only one, and to be given the opportunity to talk from their heart. Why is the frum community continuing to deny this to themselves?

The main lesson that I learned over the last few months has been to appreciate and be happy with what I have, and not be constantly looking at what I do not. All the lust and fantasizing comes from wanting just that little bit which is out of your grasp. I learnt to stop "looking" away from myself. Yes, guarding your eyes begins in the eye of your mind. If something does not interest you, then you do not lust for it.

About a month into the journey, I would come to Mincha Erev Shabbos, the end of a week of being at my office and not acting out, and my heart was bursting with joy. I remember saying Aleinu and feeling how privileged I am to be part of Klal Yisroel. Today I feel less of that original excitement, but my main feeling is that I have come home. I was in a sewer unable to pull myself out. Now I am back home after all the years. I feel - relief, and also a big feeling of responsibility - never again will I be able to feel and say that something is beyond my control!

Finally, no words will suffice to thank R' Guard enough for being HaShem's Shliach in saving my soul. HaShem should give you the Koach to continue in you holy work, and there is no doubt that you will be in the front lines to greet Mashiach Tzidkainu!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The second person to reach 90 days was a woman who calls herself "Letakein". She became clean through our site, found a wonderful Shidduch in the meantime, got married, and yesterday she wrote on the Women's Forum:

"Not Just Clean"

90 days. I'm not really sure what the appropriate thing to say or do right now is. I'm sitting here on my couch with real tears rolling down my cheeks; tears of truth, tears of accomplishment, tears of pride, and tears of immense gratitude to Hashem and to all my "family" at GYE. A few short months ago I was drowning in a sea of wave after wave of lust and acting out. GYE pulled me up, threw me a life jacket, and I grabbed at it desperately. I thought you would just help me be clean and abstinent. Instead, you helped me build true relationships in a place where I could trust, feel, talk, and hope. You helped me be content with the life that I have and to see all the good that Hashem has bestowed upon me. You taught me to smile, to pray, to reach out to others, and to hope to Hashem for help.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. May we all be zoche to see Geula in all of our personal journeys and to see the ultimate Geula soon!

753.

Tuesday ~ 29 Nissan, 5770 ~ April 13, 2010

In Today's Issue

Torah Thought of the Day: Failure is Part & Parcel of Success
Attitude Tip of the Day: Walk Into the Sea
Q & A of the Day: G-d's Mouthpiece
Daily Dose of Dov: Like a Son Talks to His Father

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Torah Thought of the Day

Failure is Part & Parcel of Success

This morning I was reading some chizuk from Rav Tzvi Meyer and he writes how the days of Seffira are a time to make new Kabbalos... But often people say to themselves, "what's the use of new Kabbalos? I've been Mekabel this thing a thousand times and never succeeded. Why should this time be different?" Says Rav Tzvi Meyer, we don't realize that every time we tried, we DID succeed. Each time we tried, we shook the heavens! And it is ONLY through failure again - and again - and again - that a person can ever succeed. As Chaza"l say, the Torah can only be upheld by one who falls in it. "Seven times the Tzadik falls and gets up" - not because he is a Tzadik, but rather that is what MAKES him into a Tzadik. There can be no light without darkness. "Vayehi Erev, Vayehi Boker" - First night, then morning... So to say that there's no use in trying again because of past failures is childish and silly. Because it is DAVKA BECAUSE we fell so many times before that we will be able to succeed now. The previous failures were PART and PARCEL of our ultimate success!!

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Attitude Tip of the Day

Walk Into the Sea

By "Tried123"

It's all about the struggle my friends.

My life has had so many times where I knew that everything was hopeless. I knew that I was hopeless....

I saw absolutely no way out... Nothing... I was totally totally stuck.....

But here is the thing:
No matter What, Where, How or When, there is always a tiny winy step available that leads nowhere... but it's still a centimeter further than where you are now...

I heard a great Vort:

When Klal Yisrael reached the Yam Suf, they panicked.... They were running and just hit the Yam - a brick wall...

Moshe Prayed to Hashem...

What did Hashem answer?

Why are you crying out to me? Enter the Yam and it will split!

Why did Hashem say "Why are you crying out to me?"
What did he expect? That Moshe shouldn't Daven?

The answer is:

There was no reason to Daven because if they wouldn't have given up and instead would've continued into the water until the water was getting into their mouths... then the water would've split on it's own, because they did their fullest....

The lesson is, that even if you are stuck... Take whatever step there still is to take, even if it leads nowhere....

Why?
because the Yeshua is davka in those steps.....

I've seen this happen with my very own eyes in my own life...
Numerous times....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q & A of the Day

G-d's Mouthpiece

Someone asked on the forum:

Is there a scientific link between acting-out and Shalom Bayis?

DovInIsrael responds:

I don't know about scientific, but I have found that Rabbi Arush's book, The Garden of Peace, is absolutely right when he says that the wife is the spiritual mirror of her husband.

I can come home and be the nicest, most wonderful husband... and even take out the trash, wash the dishes, fix the broken light sockets, etc... but if I was acting out or ogling other women that day,my wife will usually start an argument with something like "why don't you do what you are supposed to be doing?"

The voice of Hashem! All she has to do is move her lips.

Think about this and tell me if you notice it too: The way our wives act toward us is the way we are acting toward Hashem.

Ouch!

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

Like a Son Talks to His Father

I know a guy who got better just by saying the words when he really needed to. It went something like this:

"G-d, if You are listening, please take away my lust/resentment/fear/(whatever) - because I have plenty of it, and that is the problem here - not this or that person, nor my circumstances.... G-d, if You love me, then please help me know that You love me.... G-d, help me actually have the gratitude I can have to You. I don't want to work hard on anything, I just want You to give all these things to me with the smallest amount of work possible, by me."

Nu. What do you have to lose? Do you think it's chuzpadik to talk to Hashem this way?

If so, I propose to you that he sees our hearts, not just our words. And our hearts do just this all the time! When we are impatient, we are saying to Hashem: "Well? What's taking You so long?!" When our stomachs hurt we tend to get very upset about it - we don't accept it with love (meaning full acceptance that it's Hashem's best plan for us). Our rage is always a nasty way to say to Hashem (in our feelings) something like: "What the h--l are You doing?! Do You have any idea how much this hurts!!". Why else doe we ever get angry about anything?

Nu. That's what I think. Maybe I'm totally off.

So, why keep lying to Hashem if you are already saying it to Him and he knows it?

Let it out, as a son talks to his father. If you feel you can't do that yet, then you can at least ask Him to help you out so that one day you willtalk to Him like a son talks to a father.

Anyway, who says we need the whole package, or nothing? Trying is surely worth something.

754.

Wednesday ~ 30 Nissan, 5770 ~ April 14, 2010
Rosh Chodesh Iyar

In Today's Issue

Attitude Tip of the Day: "How to do a real fall"
Daily Doses of Dov: Three Pearls

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Attitude Tip of the Day

"How to do a real fall"

Posted by "1dayatatime"

This post is for those who are thinking about falling. It will explain how to do a full, complete, genuine fall. Now make sure you read all the directions before you have your fall. Don't cut corners!

The first thing to do, is to notify those in your life that are going to be affected by your fall. If you have a special someone in your life, such as a spouse or fiancé, you must tell them before you fall that you are going to do so. This will save time after the fall and allow them to start feeling bad sooner. It will also save all that silly time wasted in the "cat and mouse" of uncovering your fall. Now if you really want to go the extra mile, you might punch them in the gut or spit in their face, just to make sure they understand where you are coming from. For those of you with children though, you should not tell them ahead of time. Kids much prefer to be "surprised" when their world is shattered. Besides, their crying and whining might kill the buzz of your fall. It's a matter of setting priorities, right? You must also be sure to tell your friends. Traditionally, this isn't done directly. Let them find out you are a schmuck one by one surreptitiously. That will make the agony drawn out for everyone. How much more fun could that be? How and when your boss and coworkers are informed is a matter of some debate. Some think the loss of respect should start as soon as possible. Others think it should come as a bolt out of the blue. I won't take a position but leave that for each to decide for himself. However, sooner or later your employer and colleagues must be allowed to know. Otherwise you are selling your fall short. Last, and certainly least, you must let the P-rn providers know that you are in the market for more poison. They would find out soon enough. But just to make it obvious, you might put a "sucker" button on or a "kick me" sign on your backside.

Now that all the notifications to your loved ones and acquaintances are done, you must take care of the fiscal matters. Go to the ATM and withdraw all the money you can. Now burn it. I know you might be thinking, "that's meshuga!" But your fall will cost you plenty of money and you need the practice of wasting the money. There is no such thing as "free P-rn". Sooner or later P-rn will cost you a ton of money. Sometimes the costs aren't direct. Sometimes it takes the form of divorce costs, alimony and child support, therapy, etc. But falls will cost you money. Those that have a problem with making a fire can use the garbage disposal or a toilet as an alternative method for the money destruction. The important thing is that the money must be totally wasted and destroyed. If the cash withdrawal caused your checks to start bouncing you earn "extra points." If your rent or mortgage payment bounces you are really making a statement!

Ok, the people and fiscal aspects are set, next we need to discuss the logistics. If you use your computer as your P-rn delivery mechanism of choice, you must prepare it. Secure a sledgehammer. Immediately after your fall, take the sledgehammer and destroy your computer. This is to ensure that your computer becomes useless. Often P-rn introduces computer viruses and other junk to make it useless. But sometimes this doesn't happen soon enough. That's where the sledgehammer comes in as the backup. Speaking of backups, do NOT make any backup of your computer disks before destroying it. That will make the loss of your files an added "bonus". If you don't think you are physically strong enough to destroy your computer with a sledgehammer, pouring a can of soft drink or a cup of coffee into the computer has been used as an alternative method. If you use magazines or printed materials instead of the computer, leave them out in the open afterward for everyone to see them. Don't hide them, you should be proud of them. Extra points if you write your name on them in big bold letters and indicate whose they are "property of".

Last we should take care of the physiological aspects. Get a blunt object. If you used a sledgehammer to destroy your computer, it is possible to use that as the blunt object. Now right after your fall whack yourself in the genitals. I know that seems harsh and extreme. But it is necessary to get the full effect. After all, P-rn usage and falls should eventually lead to erectile dysfunction. The whack should be done to try to simulate that. Right now some of you are shaking your head saying to yourself, "I'm not doing that." I understand your point of view. You might be thinking, hurting others, wasting money and destroying my computer you can handle, but you are drawing the line at a shot to the gonads. All I can say is if you really, really want to have all that a fall entails, it has to be done.

By now, some of you are wondering if you can "cut corners". Perhaps have a fall without some of these "benefits". Others have tried that, but until you have done a full-on fall you haven't done a complete one. That means you really have only two choices. Either you keep practicing falls until you get it done fully and completely, or you stop falling. Others of you are now reconsidering whether a fall is worth it at all. I can't argue against that, because that's actually right. So now the choice should be clearer.

So what's it going to be: keep falling until you get it all, or quit falling?

GYE - Helping people hit bottom while still on top :-)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Daily Doses of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

Don't Argue

Someone wrote on the forum:

It's been 12 days and I don't even have a desire to sin.

I just decided to stop arguing with people, including my wife, my family, my friends.

If someone disagrees, I smile and stay silent. If I get criticized, I smile, stay silent, and thank Hashem for the beautiful, wonderful, instant Kappara (atonement). For if someone insults you, and you don't respond, all of your sins are forgiven.

Why? Because, you had every right to defend yourself, but you chose to forgo your rights. So too, Midah Kineged Midah, Hashem has every right to punish you for your sins, but Hashem will "follow your example" (kaveyachol) and forgo His rights.

Just get passed the need to control everything, be happy always, and Hashem will make miracles for you!

(For an amazing piece on how this is an atonement, see here from Rav Avraham Galanti - as quoted in the Beis Ahron of Karlin).

Dov responds:

I have no idea whether this will interest you, but you may like to read a selection in the back of "Alcoholics Anonymous" in the Member Stories", called "Dr., Alcoholic, Addict" (in the 4th edition it may be renamed, "Dr., Heal Thyself!"), as it hits on this man's experience with exactly how not arguing with people and with G-d is an indispensable part of his ongoing recovery. He even describes it as part of the recovery itself.

Hatzlocha and thanks so much for what you posted!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Only Thing That Matters

Where you are going is much more important than where you are coming from.

You may be in some dismay about where you are coming from right now, your track record, your lack of this and of that... but if your reaching out for help and trying, your direction is just fantastic!

It's so easy to sit back and criticize another for not doing this or that, or not holding by whatever good thing.... But by the same token, it is also so natural and easy for us to bitterly criticise ourselves for what we are lacking! We are often quite damning of ourselves. Most folks destroy themselves this way, and permanently.

So, I say you are definitely one lucky guy. Staying on the upward path is the only thing that matters. The only thing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Give it to Him, Get it Back

B"H for recovery... I remember well how, when lust was pretty much in charge of my life, my kids were basically just another pain in the behind! I would not have admitted that at the time, of course, but some stuff drove me crazy and I wondered why... only to discover my dirty secret in recovery years later.

In recovery I started to see them as Hashem's kids, rather than mine. It made it easier to accept the burden...

And within a short time, I found that I had naturally accepted them as my own!

When we give our stuff away to Him, it seems that He tends to give it all back to us, and rather quickly! Then it's finally really ours - and we act like it!

BTW, this is the Gemora's explanation the Pasuk "Hashamayim Shamayim LaHashem, Ve'Ha'aretz Nasan Livnei Adam", that before the bracha it belongs to Hashem, and after the Bracha to us.

755.

Thursday ~ 1 Iyar, 5770 ~ April 15, 2010
Rosh Chodesh Iyar

In Today's Issue

Announcement: The Newly Updated GYE Handbook
Torah Thought of the Day - Rosh Chodesh: From Darkness Back to Light
Testimonial of the Day: "With all your help, I know we'll make it"
Daily Dose of Dov: Being "Good" or Being with Hashem?

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Announcement

We are happy to announce the release of the newly updated "GuardYourEyes Handbook" - containing 18 tools in progressive order, to breaking free of lust addiction.

Download it here
(Right Click and press "Save Link/Target As")

Note: The new version is dated April 15, 2010 - Rosh Chodesh Iyar 5770. If you download it now and the handbook's first page does not have that date on it, it means that the old one is still in the cache of your browser, and your computer is assuming it's the same one, since it has the same name. You will have to clear the cache (or use a different browser) in order for your system to allow you to download the REAL new one from the site.

The first edition was released about a year ago, on Pesach Sheini. There were some minor updates over the past year, but this edition is our first major update, and it has been overhauled in a number of ways:

1) Two Haskamos in the beginning
2) A number of testimonials from users about the handbook
3) Many grammar and spelling errors were fixed
4) A number of important additions were made to the various chapters
5) Outdated info was updated to be current.
6) New GYE features that weren't available last year were included.

The GYE handbook lays down the cornerstone of all our work at GuardYourEyes. Before the handbook people would often get "lost" when coming to our website, not knowing what tips and techniques to try. For example, someone with a low level addiction wouldn't jump straight into therapy or 12-Step groups, while someone whose addiction was more advanced wouldn't be helped by the standard tips of "making fences", putting in "filters" etc... For the first time ever, this handbook details all the techniques and tools dealing with this addiction in progressive order. Now, anyone can read it through and see what steps they've tried already, and if those steps haven't worked, they can continue on through the handbook to the next tools, as the suggestions become progressively more "addiction-oriented".

We suggest printing out the handbook and reading it through at least once. Then, we suggest going back and reading it again slowly on the computer, and this time pressing on the many links that are found in the different articles.

The GYE Handbook Daily E-mails

For those who don't have time to read through the handbook - or if you simply want to review a little bit each day, we are restarting the "The GYE Handbook" daily e-mail list next week be"h, which will bring an excerpt from the handbook each day.

For those who haven't signed up to this list yet, you can update your profile to include this new list. Click "Update Profile/E-Mail Address" at the bottom of this e-mail, and select the 3rd daily e-mail option called "The GYE Handbook".

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Torah Thought of the Day: Rosh Chodesh

"From Darkness Back to Light"

Posted by "Eye.nonymous"

Yesterday I was on the verge of acting-out. Everything was going wrong at once. I posted my frustration on the forum and I decided to check my E-mail one last time before shutting down.

And there was the Chizuk e-mail with the article, "How to do a real fall".

I read it. I thought it was very funny. It was great to put a humorous perspective on acting out.

It made me feel how absurd it would be to act out.

This morning during Hallel I stopped to think, "Hey, what's the big deal about a new month? What are we singing praises about?"

After a few moments, I came up with a couple of answers.

1. The moon was just gone, and now it came back. We celebrate the idea that even from total darkness, we can come back into the light.

2. Renewal. Each month is a chance to start over. Really, each day is a chance to start over. "One day at a time," everyone knows means don't think too much about the future. Looking ahead at a seemingly overwhelming task can make you give up hope. BUT ALSO, it means TODAY IS A NEW DAY. You don't have to carry your baggage and ill-feelings over from yesterday. You can clear the emotional slate and have a fresh, calm start.

3. Also, we can to Teshuva and have a fresh start, all our sins forgiven. Lots of people even daven special "Yom Kippur Katan" services the day before Rosh Chodesh.

I'm starting to see, over and over again, that after these really hard days, the Tomorrow can turn out much different. Even better.

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Testimonial of the Day

"With all your help, I know we'll make it"

Posted by "StrugglingYid" today

Two days ago, after a night spent feeding my sickness, I stumbled across an ad for this site and suddenly my eyes began to open. There was hope and a way to deal with this. I told myself that Hashem sent me here for a reason, and that reason is to get better. I realized that for me, I would have to come clean with my wife. I could not go on living a lie. I told myself, I have a good relationship with my wife, telling her this may hurt or destroy that relationship, but I cannot live with this being a secret from her. I need her love, help and support to get through this. I thought to myself that "I am putting this in your hands Hashem. I will tell her the truth and you help my wife reach the right decision as to how to respond to this, and I accept your judgment." That morning I finally confessed to my wife that I have this addiction. To say the least, she was shocked! She was upset as well. We spoke for a while and she began to express her love, support, and belief in me. To say the least, it was as if a huge load was taken off my shoulders.

I realize that I may still fall again, but I am committed to accepting that I have a problem and I need to do what I can to fix it. Every person that is here is a tremendous chizuk to the next person. Without seeing the forums, I do not know if I would have found the strength to take these first steps. Today will be my second day clean. It is a baby step and I have a lot to learn, but with all your help, I know we will make it.

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

Being "Good" or Being with Hashem?

Someone writes on the forum:

It has been almost 7 weeks now, & I just don't have any more strength, desire or interest to stay clean. I just want to give it all up. Can you please stop me? Please reply only if you have something wise to say.

Dov replies:

Are you asking for something wise, or something helpful?

This may not sound very wise to you, but I'm not as stupid as I used to be, so here goes:

You say "it has been 7 weeks now". May I ask, 7 weeks of what?

Of freedom from being a slave to your lust?

Or seven weeks of being "good"?

If it's been a bit of freedom, why wouldn't it be at least somewhat enjoyable?

Wherefore all the misery?

If it's the second (and that's my guess) then I don't blame you at all for being sick of it, but also have little sympathy. Been there, done that.

Admitted, I do not know you and whether or not your life is basically being screwed up by the lust that you do not successfully control, but here's my pitch:

For an addict, trying to avoid or overpower their drug in order to "be good"- is just another silly recipe for disaster. What gives us the idea that we can beat it now?

Usually, I maintained the struggle just to keep lust in my life. Because when actually faced with the option to give it up, I found myself absolutely terrified! Besides, struggling with "evil" is exactly how we became as screwed up as we are! An addict does not win, and the struggle invariably becomes a dance. We are not supposed to dance with arayos, are we? The way the AA's put it was this: "My very best thinking is what brought me here". Uh oh

So, if you make up your own mind that you are tired of failing at being "good" and are ready to give-up beating your head into a wall and feeling sorry for yourself about the severe headache, we may then have something to talk about. It may even be wise. For in my experience, Recovery is about Freedom and being with Hashem, not about our own strength and our own goodness. For an addict, that's just more foolishness.

And that's where the steps begin.

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Saying of the Day

(From Dov Above)

"Recovery is about Freedom and being with Hashem, not about our own strength and our own goodness."

756.

Friday ~ 2 Iyar, 5770 ~ April 16, 2010

In Today's Issue

Announcement Repeat: The GYE Handbook e-mails starting next week
Parsha Talk - Tazriya Metzorah: Four Divrei Torah from our members
Daily Dose of Dov: The "Cake" is Self Honesty, Period.

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Announcement Repeat

We are happy to announce the release of the newly updated "GuardYourEyes Handbook" - containing 18 tools in progressive order, to breaking free of lust addiction.

Download it here
(Right Click and press "Save Link/Target As")

The GYE Handbook Daily E-mails

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Parsha Talk: Tazriya - Metzorah

Super Natural

"And on the 8th day, he should circumcise his Orlah"

"Commando" wrote to someone who was talking about gradually cutting down, rather than stopping cold-turkey:

Some people claim that masturbation is just a natural desire, just like eating and sleeping. I agree that it's very natural. But a natural lifestyle would be NOT to be shomer bris at all. The whole concept of the bris is to go beyond natural and become part of the supernatural. The bris on the 8th day symbolizes the number 8 which is beyond nature, as the Maharal explains. So changing ourselves to keep the bris isn't going to work if we treat this the same as eating foods with less cholesterol. It will require supernatural effort which by definition will require the help of Hashem.

The problem with discussing cold turkey vs. gradual slowdown is that in both cases you're looking at the future instead of the present. And you can't predict your circumstances or feelings in the future. How do you know you can hold out another day/week/month/year? Also, if you look at the future, that can stress you out because you see the tall mountain instead of the hair. Try the "one day at a time" approach, then the whole discussion becomes irrelevant. On any given day we're either capable of being shomer the bris or we're not. If we're capable, that means we have Hashem's help to succeed, and that help will probably come in the form of the ability to use the tools listed in the GYE handbook. If we're truly incapable and fall, hopefully we'll be considered an oneis like Reb Tzadok Hakohen says (see my posting here).

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Who, me??

By bardichev

In this weeks Parsha, we find the dinim of nega'im in all their details.

In the process of the Tahara for a mitzorah, we find that the person must bring two doves, a piece of cedar wood and some 'ezov' grass.

We are all familiar with the concept that the haughty person who is like a tall cedar, must lower himself to be humble as the 'Ezov' grass

Reb Henoch of Alexander Ztl gives it a little twist and says that the cedar and ezov also symbolize how sometimes, the falsely humble person MUST RAISE HIMSELF LIKE A CEDAR!!

How profound!!

In our struggle, the Yetzer Hara's weapon is to break a person and make him feel that his actions are meaningless.

So raise yourself. Pride yourself that you are a prince and a princess!

I would like to add that that is why Shabbos has the power to transform NEGA into ONEG (the same letters).

All week we are busy with our little pursuits, we don't have the time, patience and clarity to see the big picture.

On Shabbos, we break from the mundane. We can raise ourselves and use the very Nega and turn it into Oneg. Physical pleasures which normally pull us down, are uplifted on Shabbos into a true Oneg!

So the next time the Yetzer Hara comes knocking tell him, "who, me??" Nah. You got the wrong address. I have too much pride to lower my standards to you!!

Oyoyoy Shabbos koidesh!

With all the love in the world,
Bardichev

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Get Back Up & Smile!

By Yosef Hatzadik

"V'ish ki seitzei mimeno shichvas zerah veruochatz besoro bemayim v'tamei ad ha'erev._(15:16) - And a man who has a seinal emission should wash his flesh in water and he will be impure until the evening (erev)."

After someone falls, he must get out of the depressed mode. As long as he is not besimcha, he is guaranteed to fall into the Yetzer Harah's net again.

As the Pasuk says: Even after he will purify himself from his emission, HE IS STILL guaranteed to be TAMEI again UNTIL his outlook becomes SWEET (Erev = Arev = sweet).

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Finding the Treasures Inside Us

By Yosef Hatzadik

"V'nasati negah tzora'as b'veis eretz achizaschem. _(14:34) - And I will place a Nega Tzara'as in a house in the land of your inheritance."

Rashi says that this is good news, because the Emori'im hid golden treasures in the walls of their houses prior to Bnei Yisroel's conquering Eretz Yisroel, and through the demolition that the negah the obligates the new owners to, they find those treasures.

The discomfort, difficulties, and suffering that a person has to endure, may, at times, be the key to his success. It may be that only after going through his predetermined portion of affliction that can he find the buried treasure.

Furthermore, the residents of the home may have been living there for many many years completely oblivious to their potential wealth. It is only after they are actively engaged in eradicating the tumah that they found on their wall, that they merit finding the cache.

We, the Holy members of the holy GYE Kehilla, were going on our merry way down our individual journeys through life. We answered Rabbeinu Guard's call to arms, rerouted our direction toward a better goal, set ourselves some way-points to periodically adjust our bearings, and we now are headed for the GOLD!!!

Through the addiction, pain - and ERADICATING THE TUMAH, we will find the treasures that are buried deep inside ourselves!

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

The "Cake" is Self Honesty, Period.

Someone wrote on the forum:

"The spiritual approach is not for me. I just want to get back control of my life"

Dov replies:

I must tell you that that the spiritual approach isn't for me, either.

That's precisely why I turn off some folks by posting my take on their struggle for the sake of halachic goodness and spirituality as "romanticizing" - and hence perpetuating - their losing battle. (Of course, I only tell them that after they clearly rant and rave about how they are always losing, and whine about it themselves!)

It seems to me that all some folks want to hear is that if they only tried harder to be good, went to the mikva one more time daily, or said just one more brocha with adequate or better kavonoh, they'd finally deserve to get the "key" to this thing, and be free. Anything else - like considering that their problem is not a religious one - sounds like apikorsus to them. And indeed it is apikorsus to their own "torah", which mandates that even the insane be successful. I feel that such a perspective, held with tenacity while the house is in flames all around them, is nothing short of apikorsus and believe it comes from Pride rather than from true dedication to Hashem. They have the wrong G-d, it seems.

I do not doubt their intent, but for me, had G-d given me the key on basis of being "good enough", that freedom surely would have been quickly abused and twisted by me as yet further license to pervert myself. "More power" would have only convinced me that I can "handle it", and therefore can get away with using lust even more.

Do you understand what I mean so far?

To me, if there is anything spiritual in the problem, it is ultimately my Pride - a lie, that allowed me to keep serving my "g-d": the power of Lust to pleasure myself. And if there is anything spiritual about the answer, it is Humility - i.e. the truth. Anything else in my personal spiritual growth was my own choice - icing on the cake, as far as recovery is concerned. The "cake" is self-honesty, period.

And it had to almost kill me to help me finally give up my self-reliance, start going to meetings in unlikely places and with unlikely persons, learn about how to stop serving my own Self, and eventually grow into a man happy to serve his true G-d, Hashem.

What approach works for you?

757.

Sunday ~ 4 Iyar, 5770 ~ April 18, 2010

In Today's Issue

A Big Mazal Tov: To Noorah on ONE YEAR CLEAN!
12-Step Attitude: "If these guys can do it..."
Quote of the Day: From "Hoping4Change"
Daily Dose of Dov: The Real Balm

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A Big Mazal Tov to 'Noorah B'Amram' on

ONE YEAR CLEAN!

"Noorah" writes on his thread:

One year for me. I hesitated to post this for I firmly believe that ONLY the Almighty in His infinite kindness protected me every day and every second of the day, and no kudos are due to me nor are any bravos in order - rather a seudas hodah shall I make.

The only reason I post this, is out of a tremendous debt of gratitude- a debt that can never ever be repaid - to Rabeinu Guard and all the holy chevrah on the forum, who intentionally and unintentionally, knowingly and unknowingly have brought me to this point.

I pray that I do not fall prey to any illusions or fantasies of security and complacency , for I have been here before and have spectacularly descended to the deepest regions of HELL!!!

From the depths of my soul, I scream and I cry, I BEG AND I PLEAD .............PLEASE HASHEM ......MY FATHER IN HEAVEN, YOU HAVE HELPED ME UNTIL NOW... PLEASE DO NOT LET GO OF ME FOREVER!

With the utmost of humility,

Noorah from the house of Amram

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To understand why he calls himself "Noorah B'Amram" and to read his beautiful story, see Chizuk e-mail #523 on this page from when he reached his first 90 days clean.

May Hashem bless him to continue to climb upwards and continue helping and inspiring so many others in the GYE community.

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12-Step Attitude

"If these guys can do it..."

"Rage" writes about his first SA meetings:

There are moments when I feel that God is trying to snap his fingers at me (perhaps impatiently)... Like the day I went to my first SA meeting. That morning I was like, "am I gonna go? Am I not? How much of a flake will I be if I go?" And as I was really struggling with whether I'm too tough to go to SA, I was listening to my favorite radio guy and he is one tough sonovabitch, the last person you would think of as flakey... And he had this guest on, a celebrity chef who was telling over her life story... and amazingly enough, she started talking about her recovery through the 12 steps. And she started talking about the serenity prayer and the radio jock - Mr. toughie - says "of course I know the serenity prayer. I recovered from drugs and alcohol through the 12 steps and AA". And I was like "Woah, that was pretty cool"...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Okay, so I went to my first SA meeting and I learned some interesting things... Basically, none of my fears were realized and I am looking forward to tomorrow's meeting.

If nothing else I feel good that I am at least taking some sort of action to address this disease instead of just sitting back and letting the disease eat away at me and kill me...

So I am a newbie again... I got a token that commits me to come back to meetings or something... Looks like a poker chip and it has the serenity prayer etched on it... Hashem, please help me get right cuz if this fails I'm really screwed...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So I went to meeting two today... so far so good... Since I've been going I've had no slips or falls, and none wanted and none needed... I feel re-energized and revitalized and hoping that this course of action can bring me back some serenity....

I still don't know how to work the 12 steps and I am hoping the meetings may be a step into learning what to do...But one instant reward is, that at the meetings you meet people that have been through so much worse situations than you and (1) you become grateful for what you have and (2) you see that, "hey, if these guys can do it, there's no reason why you can't do it too".

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Quote of the Day

"Hoping4Change" writes:

I was able to "break free" during Pesach - thank G-d. I installed a filter and made the messages of Chizuk my homepage. I am forcing myself to read ten Chizuk messages before going on to check email, or what ever else I planned to do online. It has helped very much.

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

The Real Balm

A teenage boy wrote on the forum:

"I am proud to say that with the help of Hashem I am TWENTY DAYS CLEAN!!! But let me tell you, I am definitely feeling the heat. My body is saying to me, "GO VIEW PORN. IT FEELS GOOD. ESCAPE WITH ME INTO THE LAND OF FAKE PLEASURE AND UNINHIBITED FREEDOM". Of course I know that this pleasure is only temporary and afterward I will feel absolutely miserable and only so much more far away from "real life". My problem is that never in my life have I ever stood up to my real problems and issues. I have always covered them over with this balm of lust. I read through both handbooks yesterday and I need to implement more tools. Also, I am still having a problem of getting my brain to understand that this is not a fight. How do I explain to my logical mind that I am powerless and that I must let G-d deal with my problem and just do my thing?"

Dov replies:

Please remember to take it easy. Years and years of relative nuttiness can't change a lot overnight, and certainly not by our (sorry) puny efforts. But we do change and grow more than we'd ever have imagined, over time.

Hashem will really help you (a lot), especially if you ask Him to (a lot).

Reading through the handbooks is great, but look out. It's filled with so many tools... perhaps picking one to try today is a good strategy. Tomorrow you can use it some more or take thought then to picking and trying out a different one. Too much planning just makes most folks crazy. Remember: If the way you and I naturally go about dealing with problems is so effective, how did we end up in this mess to begin with!? We really need an open mind here... so I'm just posting some suggestions.

The other thing I'd like to share with you is that there is something way more important than cleaning up all our garbage and letting go of all the lust balm we used to cover it all up with. And that is learning what our alternative is. And it's not a matter of hashkofa at all - it's purely and only experience. We need to start building the "alternative balm", which is the "RealBalm": a relationship with Hashem that really works.

It is built slowly, and on His schedule. Addicts like me start out by bringing Him right into our temptations and giving up our temptations and lust to Him to take care of, for us. It is further built by calling on safe friends to open up to, as you are in these posts (though a phone call or text is better cuz of the real-time aspect). And by using the tools and thanking Him for your successes rather than taking the credit. If I take the credit, I retake the struggle along with it! That's just the way it works, it seems. Our relationship with Hashem is built further when we are patient with ourselves and forgiving to others.

All these things build up the Alternative.

Water it and tend it - till one day, after a few months or maybe even a year or so (everyone is different), we get a temptation and discover that we are truly motivated to quickly get help - because we cherish our relationship with our very own G-d, and our own integrity! They become so precious to us that we rush to protect them at all costs!

Now, that's a nice place to be.

But you must take it easy to get there. As my mother used to tell me: "Crakow wasn't built in a day, they say.";-)

758.

Monday ~ 5 Iyar, 5770 ~ April 19, 2010

In Today's Issue

Parsha Talk - Metzorah: Wear a Crown!
Joke of the Day: Let Go & Let G-d
Battle Communication: Run away; you won't lose anything!
Daily Dose of Dov: Recovery in Action - a Miracle

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Parsha Talk: Metzorah

Wear a Crown!

By "Yosef Hatzadik"

"V'hizhartem es Bnei Yisroel mitumasam v'lo yamusu b'timasam. _(15:31) And you shall warn the Bnei Yisroel about their impurities, that they should not die in their impurities."

I heard from Harav Naftalie Jeager Shlita, Rosh Yeshiva of Yeshiva Sho'or Yoshuv: V'hizartem can be derived from the root Nezer, a crown, It is a glorious thing for Klal Yisroel to separate themselves from all tumah. A Nazir separates himself. He wears a Crown of "separation".

In our personal struggles, we separate ourselves from our Yetzer Horah. The crowns that we wear are symbolized by those found on the 90 Day Chart & the Wall of Honor.

We joined this group when we reached the realization that otherwise we will die from the tumah - a living death. Externally we would still be walking & talking, but inside ourselves we would be dead. V'lo yamisu b'timasam!

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Joke of the Day

Let Go & Let G-d

From Jewlarious at aish.com

A man was walking in the mountains just enjoying the scenery when he stepped too close to the edge of the mountain and started to fall. In desperation he reached out and grabbed a limb of a gnarly old tree hanging onto the side of the cliff.

Full of fear he assessed his situation. He was about 100 feet down a shear cliff and about 900 feet from the floor of the canyon below. If he should slip again he'd plummet to his death.

Full of fear, he cries out, "Help me!" But there was no answer. Again and again he cried out but to no avail. Finally he yelled, "Is anybody up there?"

A deep voice replied, "Yes, I'm up here."

"Who is it?"

"It's the Lord"

"Can you help me?"

"Yes, I can help."

"Help me!"

"Let go."

Looking around the man became full of panic. "What?!?!"

"Let go. I will catch you."

"Uh... Is there anybody else up there?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Besides for being a good joke, this holds a deep lesson. "Let go and Let G-d" is the foundation of recovery. When Hashem puts us in a desperate situation, He is trying to get our attention (as Rav Noach Weinberg from Aish used to say). He wants to catch us and save us, He's just waiting for us to let go and let Him. Unfortunately, all to often we look for "another" god/answer, rather than admit defeat and give over our lives to Him.

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Battle Communication

Run away; you won't lose anything!

"Steve" writes:

When it comes to Shemiras Ainayim outside in the street, we have to realize that EVEN WHEN WE LOOK, the pretty girl is gone in a moment, AND WHAT DID WE GAIN? NOTHING!!! Adarabah, what we LOST was tremendous, cuz we wired our brain at that moment, we conditioned ourselves to want to look, to give into our taivos all the more. Next time will be harder to avoid, not easier, and maybe a bigger slip, or it might be the straw that breaks our resolve for good, chas v'shalom!!

And remember something else, guys - you know you've felt this: Even after you look, five seconds later she's gone from view, you've forgotten about her anyway, she means nothing to you anymore. So instead of looking, you can keep from looking until she's past and it's no longer possible, and then you realize YOU LOST NOTHING. BUT YOU GAINED ETERNITY!!

Now, take it up a notch and apply the same method to viewing porn & acting out. If the urge comes, GET AWAY FROM THE SCREEN and the opportunity to peak easily. RUN AWAY!! Get involved in something else, get your head out of it. Call a friend or a sponsor! AND SCREAM OUT TO HASHEM RIGHT THEN - "SAVE ME!!" - You'll see that after a few moments the urge should lessen, if not disappear completely for the time being.

And then you'll realize, by NOT looking, by NOT doing, you didn't really miss or lose anything. Cuz then you see that it means nothing to you anyway. And you'll realize WHAT YOU GAINED!!

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

Recovery in Action - a Miracle.

Someone who is clean for 5 months wrote on the forum:

"I'M GOING NUTS!!! I wish all these nisyonos would stop already.

I haven't had a decent income to speak of in at least a year. I'm really getting worried.

My wife, under normal circumstances, spends half her time bringing our children to different doctors appointments.

Now she's in the hospital for hopefully no more than another day or two, but worst-case-scenerio could be six weeks.

I might as well add: I did teshuva and pretty much lost the rest of my family--they all stayed behind. Can barely relate to them anymore. It's been like that since at least 15 years ago.

My learning hopes and aspirations have totally fallen apart.

I don't want to hide these feelings. I don't want to pretend like I made it to 90 days and, presto, suddenly became a superhuman or angel or something.

I don't feel like acting out, but I feel totally crushed. Paralyzed.

Right now my children just came home. They are playing downstairs, and I am ignoring them upstairs to write this. I've been running around like crazy all morning taking care of different things. Pretty soon I'll log out, go downstairs and make lunch, and spend the rest of the day taking care of them."

Dov replies:

Apparently, nisyonos always do stop at some point, but they will be replaced by other ones that may (or may not) be easier in many respects... We just have to grow, I guess.

We just need to all do the best we can under the circumstances - and see the good in that. If I don't, I'll end up acting out c"v, and that may actually kill me. The things that I wish - no matter how objectively "good" they are - just can't be allowed to take front row any more emotionally... that's recovery in action. A real miracle. Otherwise, the next step for me will be trying to "fix it all up" using my magic (lust) toolbox... it has only one tool in it, and it's a, ummm, errr... let's just call it "fantasy".

As far as not being able to relate anymore to your family (I assume by "family" you mean your parent(s) and siblings) after becoming a baal Teshuvah, Youch, that hurts. In recovery, I have discovered that I can maintain my mental and spiritual distance from these people while relating to them more and more. Your serenity will fill you and protect you. Just don't give it up for their sake - or for anybody's! Looking down on others in any way, does just that to me, and soon I start to slip.

You have come a very long way and Hashem is helping you in spades. Please consider using this pain. By working my 4th-9th steps from within the pains of life I have found freedom and growth, and lots of nechama in hard times. Countless others have, as well. Keep up the good work. You are worth it, and so are your wife and kiddies.

You may not be perfect at anything, may not be the talmid chochom you wish, may not have the money for the comfort and normalcy you want for your family yet, and may not be as happy a person right now as you wish you'd be, but at the very least, you are trying to be a responsible person and a decent father and faithful husband. I believe that your kids will forgive you for all the insufficiencies you have. Every child needs a decent, loving father and every wife needs a decent, loving husband - like you are. Not a great, wise, nor wealthy one.

Gevalt! We all hope that things get easier quickly for you and yours!

759.

Tuesday ~ 6 Iyar, 5770 ~ April 20, 2010

In Today's Issue

Battle Communication: Changing from the Inside
Daily Dose of Dov: The Failure of Self-Centeredness in Making Life Work

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Battle Communication

Changing from the Inside

"Me" posted to a newbie on the forum:

As I am approaching close to 2 years on this forum, I would like to somehow save you much time.

Can you do the following?

1) Admit that you are an addict to internet "P".

2) Do some soul searching, and see that somewhere in your life you are not feeling fulfilled. You have doubts about yourself, your relationship with Hashem etc. etc. You're hurting somewhere?

3) Know that as long as you have access to internet you will continue to view interent "P", and will not change. A strong filter without having the password is a MUST.

4) Understand that it is point #2 above, (your discontentment in life on some level, that will continue to "need" the big "P" outlet as a means of distraction.

5) Believe, and understand that until you work on the root, i.e. point #2, (to change the middos, that bring on this discontentment that Hashem has given to you personally, in order to get closer to him, then your need for "P" will disappear.

6) The quickest way to do this, is to join one of the phone groups TODAY.

Even when you are experiencing those so called "good" days, what you really are feeling is that "things" have gone well for you today... And on the "bad" days, you feel that things have not gone well today. BUT, on a deeper level, let's remove the days, and looks at ourselves. The days change each and every day, but we stay the same. We are the same miserable person (on some level), whether it is a good day or bad day. We cannot run and hide from ourselves. "The real you" will always surface on some level, and not necessarily a conscious one.

So, we here on this forum have all experienced waking up to a "good" day, feeling positive, having had a good night's sleep, etc, looking forward to the great day ahead, and then a few hours later... BAM! ... WHAT HAPPENED?

The answer is, it is not the day that must change, but rather Hashem is urging us to make the "real" change... deep down. By doing this, on a deep level we will no longer have a need for these things, nor an interest to go back to the "P".

Duvid Chaim's group is just now starting today the 12 step part of the Big-Book and you can join. This is the part where we addicts begin to change internally. Not the days or the circumstances around us, but ourselves.

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

This piece from Dov is long, but very deep and beautiful. Definitely worth your time!

The Failure of Self-Centeredness in Making Life Work

Dov replies to someone who claims the 'religious approach' is not for him:

What got me into trouble with lust was not that I was violating the halacha. It's also why I have been quoted as saying: "I don't really care exactly which lav suicide is - I'm not interested in it for other reasons!". True, violating the halacha was horrifying and devastating to me. But that didn't stop me from getting worse. That's just a fact.

What eventually stopped me was that I saw I was really going to lose the life I chose for myself: a life that included having a conscience, integrity, some kind of 'good'-ness (Torah, etc.), and in which I'd be a part of something - like a marriage, community, and a family of my very own, for example. Those were not religious choices, per se. It was just me. The fact that any normal religion includes all these things in it's description of healthy living, is just a side-issue for me. I chose them for myself. Perhaps yiddishkeit helped create those desires within me, perhaps other things did. I think it's irrelevant.

Now within me, there was also a childish expectation that all people would adore and revere me and therefore do my will. For example, my wife would please me in every way whenever I wanted, my kids would be cooperative, and any people I was beholden to in the working world would give me the respect (and the leeway when I deserved no respect) that I felt I was entitled to. I also expected to become a Gadol b'Torah - and recognized as such. Instead... well, it was beginning to become clear that I was just a regular guy among regular people. Unacceptable! If I wasn't going to be recognized as a gadol b'Torah and tzaddik, could I at least be recognized as a porn star? Sounds really crazy... it is really crazy... but that's where I was in my desires, for a time. Life wasn't supposed to be like this.

When life was obviously not happening the way I expected it to - mainly cuz every real person actually has their own will - I needed some pretty powerful coping tools. The best and most reliable one I could find was associated with a part of my body that I could control using lust and gave me tremendous pleasure. To hell with everyone else - I had it made for those moments! Problem solved, sort of....

OK. So then Lust - my secret best friend and god - turned on me. And here is where I guess the real G-d finally begins to come into the picture. See, I was accustomed to years of secret self-pleasuring and self-saving via manipulation of others. My wife couldn't find out about the things that (I rationalized) my dissatisfaction with her was making me do. It'd ruin it all, cuz she wouldn't understand - though in my heart I expected her to understand fully! Of course she had no chance competing against the schmutz already in my head - those women appear to have no will of their own, no babies, no aging, nor any real life either, of course! They'd always be mine! Wow. Now that was a 'higher power' I could really hang onto!

While I was busy keeping my self comfortable and managing everything around me to serve that holy end, I was unconsciously building myself up as the center of my universe... and things got screwier and screwier in my life! To be honest, I was shocked about this! After all, I was such a nice guy to everyone and did real great favors for some people, seemed quite selfless at times, learned quite a bit, and was very religious - but it was still all about the experience (even Torah/serving Hashem). It was about "the feeling". The "d'veikus". I was at the center of it all! Not G-d, nor His Will. Sorry that I can't explain it any better.

Now, I could have gone on that way forever, I guess. Perhaps many do. Maybe it's really OK for them. It's not that it was wrong, immoral, or whatever. But as it turned out, Self-Preservation, as I saw it, steamrolled all those nice considerations - no more! Here's how:

I was turning to my drug in progressive ways, and lying like crazy to cover it up. I knew I was not the man my wife, children, co-workers or friends saw, at all. If you suggest that it was all just religious guilt, I say no way. The things I had to do were in no way compatible with a faithful lifestyle as a husband and father. I'd never do any of those things with real people I knew watching. I discovered the hard way that porn, unbridled self-pleasuring with lust and animal-like sexuality are simply not compatible with any kind of normal life at all.

Now if you propose that it's all society's fault, I say maybe you could go off to a place where they live that way and see how it goes. Really. The communes of the 60's tried it; many societies tried it. The biggest problem - and this is what "ruined it all" for me - is that it's all based on self-centeredness. Wills were eventually again at war... the "acceptance" and "free love" of others that they tried to use as a defense to the self-will problem eventually gave way. There is no escape from that fact that every real person has their own, differing will. Disunity breeds strife, and there is apparently no fascism for sex... I tried it. The petite dictator himself! It turned out that you really do get more with honey (giving) than you do with vinegar (demanding), and no addict I know has real honey. Cash is a poor honey substitute, if you know what I mean. We all went through this failure process, in some small way. That's what brings many people to recovery. Looking for a life that works. And that is precisely why the focus on G-d and on people other than myself is the answer to me and to so many other addicts of all kinds. It has much less to do with religion, and more to do with the abject failure of self-centeredness in making life work. Without working the steps in my real life, there is no ego deflation for me, just more quiet desperation. I ain't goin back there, ever.

If you want your life to be yet another experiment in getting the self-centered approach to work, I say: go for it. But if it has been working pretty well till now, then why are you here? Why are you displeased? Were you really happy before, and came to Recovery just for more kicks? If your angst is really about "staying clean" for the sake of "staying clean", I have no answers for you. I tried that approach and got nowhere but deeper into hell.

760.

Wednesday ~ 7 Iyar, 5770 ~ April 21, 2010

In Today's Issue

Announcement: Updated 'Attitude Handbook'
Two Mazal Tov's Today! To "Yosef Hatzadik" and "Briut"
GYE is changing lives: Please Help us with names
Daily Dose of Dov: "It Will Pass"

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Announcement

Updated 'Attitude Handbook'

In light of the recent update to the GYE Handbook, a member of our forum who calls himself "Kedusha" decided to help with updating the "Attitude Handbook" as well. He spent many hours reviewing it twice, from beginning to end, and in addition to correcting grammar and spelling, he helped improved the wording in quite a number of places.

Thank you 'Kedusha'!

So although there have been no substantive changes, the new version contains a significant number of corrections and revisions.

The updated version is now available for downloading here.

(Right Click and press "Save Link/Target As")

Note: The new version is dated April 21, 2010 - 7 Iyar 5770. If you download it now and the handbook's first page does not have that date on it, it means that the old one is still in the cache of your browser, and your computer is assuming it's the same one, since it has the same name. You will have to clear the cache (or use a different browser) in order for your system to allow you to download the REAL new one from the site.

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Two Mazal Tov's Today!

1. A Big Mazal Tov to "Yosef Hatzadik"

upon reaching 90 days!

Yosef Hatzadik shared with me some of his story yesterday, upon reaching 90 days clean:

Rabbi Binyamen Eisenberger Shlita demands that even those that just come to his shul for some shiurim must sign up to the Covenanteyes program with him getting the reports - at his expense! And he saw that I had a problem and confronted me. Even with his warnings, I couldn't stop. He pointed out to me that I am .... .... .... yes, that word, "addicted". He sent me to GYE..... & the rest is history!!!!

Before GYE, I had a Yahoo account with all my 'passwords' saved... I also had a DVD with over 900 images saved on it. Since I started posting on the GYE forum, I didn't go through them again, but I didn't have the guts to get rid of them either. I was hoping behind the scenes that this GYE thingy will pass & I will still make use of them. After all, in the past years I did 'Teshuvah' countless times. Sometimes I even threw away DVDS that I bought without even watching them. But I kept the Yahoo account (talk about contradictions!)

After a few weeks in GYE, & speaking to my Rav/(friend), I gathered the courage to make the cut-off complete. I deleted the Yahoo account & broke the DVD into two. I saved the broken disk because I wanted to burn it with the Chometz on Erev Pesach.

The second & third weeks of GYE and abstaining from looking at shmutz were the hardest for me. I doubted that I will be able to keep it up long term.

Afterwards, it seemed almost like the Yetzer Harah forgot my address, Boruch Hashem. (I am nervous that he is just lying low & preparing a surprise attack. I hope to stay vigilant, thereby eliminating the element of surprise!)

To give an example of how far I've come, my wife wants to go to the Catskills for the summer months this year. She consulted with a Great Rav in Yerushalayim and he didn't want to give an answer without speaking to me first. He asked me what will be with my "inyanei kedusha" for those two months? (He knows all about my nisyonos already). I told him that I am at day 82 (which is where I was holding on the day I spoke to him), and that I was not afraid of being home alone! THANKS TO GYE!!!

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2. Mazal Tov to "Briut" upon reaching 100 days!

"Briut" posted the following today on the forum:

I think it's time for a 100 DAY CELEBRATION!

100 days into this journey and I'm now seeing that THIS IS NOT BEYOND ME. Cleaning up my act is within my field of vision. Hashem hears my prayers and is saying 'yes.'

Thank you, Father!

I feel as if I've crossed over some huge mental divide, to a place where I see a different way of going through my sex life, my love life and even my parenting life. I'm not there yet, but I now see the next round of work that'll make it happen. I hope to keep working on the following two areas:

1) "Shmiras einayim": Very tricky. I'm seeing how much I've enjoyed the 'buzz' from someone good-looking, and even filing the image away for a more private moment. I've got to find a replacement buzz to succeed in this area for the long term.

2) "More Love, Less Lust": In the past, I've approached intimate relationships with some "mutual objectification by consent" (i.e., pure lust) rather than true love. If I can focus on increasing the amount of love I give others, perhaps I can reduce the amount of lust I use to keep myself going.

I saw a beautiful sunrise this morning and started humming an upbeat tune, "It's been a long cold lonely winter; ... it feels like years since it's been clear; Here comes the sun, here comes the sun; and I say it's all right."

Thanks to Guard for long hours of holy work and for taking a personal interest when I wasn't sure I was cut out to be here. Thanks to everyone who read through long rambling posts and took the trouble to respond.

And to the Ribono Shel Olam: I don't know why you let me feel for so many years that Your laws seemed incompatible with my body, but I know it's only now that I can show such gratitude for Your bringing me right to Your door. Thanks.

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Rabbosai, every day lives are being turned around on GYE. As you may know, we are planning a major fund-raising trip in the coming weeks be"h, to help take our work to a new level. Please help us by sharing 1 or 2 names of wealthy Jews who may be warm to helping support our work. We will not tell them who sent us their name (we will simply say that "because of the nature of our work, the person doesn't want to be identified"). We will then send our proposal to them, and ask if they would be willing to meet with us on our trip. To save precious time, we will only be meeting with people who have read our proposal and want to meet with us.

To download our proposal, please click here.

If you are comfortable enough, please feel free to show it/send it yourself to anyone who may be warm to helping us grow, either by e-mail or by printing it out and mailing it. If you're not comfortable doing this, please share with us their names and we'll send it to them.

Thank you and Tizke Lemitzvos!

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

"It Will Pass"

Someone posts an S.O.S on the "I'm About to Fall!!" thread on the forum:

"I don't know what to do anymore. I have a huge headache, my scrotum is in pain. I feel like I will die if I don't give in!"

Dov replies:

If you want sympathy, I can't help you that much from so far away, but if you were here, I'd cry with you and give you a real hug. You are an amazing person.

If you want advice, I'd just accept that the pain you describe will actually pass completely. And if your body knows otherwise it'll make what needs to happen, happen on it's own, and with no help from you or lust. You just keep your eyes on the prize: your sanity and sobriety. Everything will get easier if you ride this one out with help.

One more thing: I don't waste my time trying to stay clean because it's ossur. Rachel and Leyah gave all the reasons for leaving their jerky-father's house before they added, "and that's what Hashem wants you to do, so let's go!".

So, why are you really here? Is it because something just woke up in you to suddenly start keeping halacha? Or was there something more that drove you to take the step of joining GYE? I am assuming you started to accept what your lust problem does to your life?

What does it do to your life?

In my case, I hit a point that it became clear that it was ruining my life and would destroy me if I just gave in... but I still had to give in! That's when I finally went to any lengths to really get the help I needed. I found SA and went to meetings, and I bared the entire truth about me to addicts in recovery. "Virtual" (back then it was phones) wasn't enough for me, by a long-shot. I needed real meetings with real people. It had to be as real as possible for me to get the most real results.

I was able to say: "Hashem, I give myself to You and please take my lust away from me now. Please don't help me "overcome" this - take it away from me, please. I want no awards, no s'char, no revenge on the Yetzer Hara nor anybody, and I'm not trying to 'prove' anything. I ask you to free me from this lust in order to be healthy and useful to your people. After all, I'm Yours! Thank you for helping me so much in the past!"

I follow this up with a calm gratitude list, while I lay on my bed and try to sleep.

Nu. Life is really weird sometimes....

And should the urge return 2 minutes later, I say the same prayer again. And again.

I can pray longer than lust can do it's job.

Hang in there, buddy!

With much love and admiration to you,

Dov

761.

Thursday ~ 8 Iyar, 5770 ~ April 22, 2010

In Today's Issue

12 Step Attitude: "Do I have to live my whole life in pain?"
Daily Dose of Dov: "It's what goes on in our minds that's the issue"

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12 Step Attitude

"Do I have to live my whole life in pain?"

"Yearning" wrote me the following e-mail:

"SA is going very well, we reviewed the 4th step tonight. But one thing is bothering me: Do I have to live in pain my whole life as an addict??"

I replied to "Yearning" as follows:

Please note what the Alcoholics wrote back in 1939 in the AA Big Book (p. 101) about how they felt after recovering through the 12 Steps:

"Assuming we are spiritually fit, we can do all sorts of things alcoholics are not supposed to do. People have said we must not go where liquor is served; we must not have it in our homes; we must shun friends who drink; we must avoid moving pictures which show drinking scenes; we must not go into bars; our friends must hide their bottles if we go to their houses; we mustn't think or be reminded about alcohol at all.

We meet these conditions every day. An alcoholic who cannot meet them, still has an alcoholic mind; there is something the matter with his spiritual status. His only chance for sobriety would be some place like the Greenland Ice Cap, and even there an Eskimo might turn up with a bottle of scotch and ruin everything! Ask any woman who has sent her husband to distant places on the theory he would escape the alcohol problem.

In our belief, any scheme of combating alcoholism which proposes to shield the sick man from temptation is doomed to failure. If the alcoholic tries to shield himself he may succeed for a time, but usually winds up with a bigger explosion than ever. We have tried these methods. These attempts to do the impossible have always failed."

"Yearning" replies:

"Wow. But I know that even old-timers in SA still try to avoid triggers, so I don't really understand the balance."

I replied to "Yearning":

That's actually a very good question. I would like to pass it on to our 12-Step experts, Duvid Chaim and Dov, to hear their take on this.

I wrote an e-mail to them as follows:

Dear Duvid Chaim & Dov,

Can we apply what it says in AA (above) to lust addiction? After all, the "first sip" for alcoholics is only with an actual drink, so it makes sense that they can be in the vicinity of alcohol and still stay sane - assuming they are "spiritually fit". However in the case of lust addiction, the first sip happens with "sight" alone. So can we be surrounded by triggers and still stay sane? For us, "seeing" is like "sipping" for an alkie... Can we also find the peace described (above) when surrounded by triggers?

Duvid Chaim replies:

This is an often asked question.

And the answer is found right in the first sentence, as you quoted... "Assuming we are spiritually fit".

Accordingly, a person in Recovery is a lot like a high performance sport car's fuel injected engine. It's performance is being constantly monitored by a sensitive on board computer system that monitors the fuel flow, firing of the spark plugs, timing, vibrations, etc.

And when anything is slightly off, it quickly makes an adjustment so it runs smoothly.

If things get unmanageable, the car goes back to the shop and stays off the streets!

So too, the addict in Recovery - must constantly monitor himself - in all three of the areas where our addiction lies: physical, mental and spiritual.

For example - Physical: If we are hungry, we get cranky - we want soothing... If we are around triggers... we act out.

Mental: If we are angry/resentful, we want to take back control... If we are around triggers... we act out.

Spiritual: If we are "blocked" from seeing G-d's presence in our life at each and every moment... We create our own Golden Calf - called SELF... If we are around triggers... we act out.

But if we are physically, mentally and spiritually fit - the triggers are like little pebbles on the road, and our sports car's highly tuned suspension system doesn't even feel them.

"Is that a hairpin twist and turn up ahead? - No Problem. I can handle that."

No matter how long the road-trip, thanks to my Ricarro calf leather seats, I step out of my car still relaxed and refreshed!

On the other hand, if my car is sluggish and out of alignment, I'd better stay off the "streets" - otherwise I might crash and burn.

I hope I didn't belabor the parable.

But from the very first day on our conference Call - and almost everyday till the end, I tell the Chevra that if I just helped them to BUILD THEIR AWARENESS OF THEIR PERCEPTIONS AND MOTIVES - it would be "Dayeinu" for me.

This constant "monitoring and checking in with ourselves" is what allows us to go out on the streets and run smoothly in spite of the many obstacles and triggers out there.

For Dov's insightful reply, see the "Daily Dose of Dov" below.

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

"It's what goes on in our minds that's the issue"

In response to the question discussed above, Dov writes:

We need to ask ourselves, "what are we really looking for, in recovery?" Do we want the ability to fantasize about schmutz whenever we want and yet still remain sober?

What I'm getting at is this: Of course there are different types of alkies. But for most alkies who have been sober for a few months, you are right that being around drinking people or near alcohol is not a true "trigger" for them.

While "sight", as you wrote above, is a trigger for us, I believe it's really not the whole story. This is important to me: It's not really looking, reading, etc. that are "sipping" (or slipping) - it's what goes on in our minds that's the issue. Lust is not exactly like alcohol, where it needs to be taken into the body to mess us up. A lust addict uses schmutz to get the lust woken up - it's about the desire and excitement. I (and every other addict I have ever met in SA) can get high on lust and crazy without taking any look at all. By the same token we can get good and drunk (really, not symbolically as in the "dry drunk" of AA) on last month's schmutz or sexual encounter. That cannot happen in AA or NA. They need their drug, while our drug is also in our mind. Now, to say that this means "I can look all I want, as long as "in my mind I'm not fantasizing!"... well, we have found that this attitude just doesn't work.

Again, the real question is "what do we want?"

The answer to the question of, "Am I condemned to a lifetime of pain as an addict?" depends on what the person's goals are. Is their goal to be able to control acting out - meaning: to be free enough of it's tyranny that they'll be able to lust their brains out with their wife or husband whenever they want to (what we call "being able to lust like a Gentleman/Lady), then I'd indeed suggest that this would condemn an addict to lifetime of pain. If you are an addict, you cannot successfully use your drug. Per AA experience, that's exactly what being an addict means. It's the first step. The goal in AA is not to be able to use and control alcohol, is it? So in SA, the issue is not sex, but lust. To clarify a bit more, I'll ask a question: If I stay away from triggers, then how does a married SA ever get involved with sex? Sex is surely a bigger trigger than seeing a jogger! No?

In my experience, the answer is that it is lust that is the issue, even in the trigger.

So the first sip doesn't necessarily happen with sight, or even with sex itself. A lustaholic in recovery can have sex without getting lost in lust, can be a doctor and work with female/male patients without losing their sobriety, can drive through the street and actually see joggers scantily clad (like an alkie in the bar in the piece from AA that you quoted above)... It all depends on whether they turn it over to Hashem and do what they need to do so that they don't take it in and use it. Lust is 'used' and is always about 'taking'.

I guess that there are some lustaholics who never get there, and cannot do some or any of these normal things. But I know very few people in SA like that. I believe that they are impaired by their desire not to let go of lust, at all. Perhaps they keep thinking they are addicted to sex itself, not to lust. Now that may be true, but I doubt it. Call me bold, stupid, or whatever. I have just met too many guys who are totally powerless over lust, and yet they stay sober and are still able to function in situations that newbies equate with acting out!

Recovery means getting back to what you lost - to what is natural and normal.... at least in some respects.

Finally, I'd say that worrying about my future as an addict is just plain silly. "Let Go and Let G-d" is something we all need to learn how to do, usually by hanging around with recovering addicts.

762.

Friday ~ 9 Iyar, 5770 ~ April 23, 2010
Erev Shabbos Acharei Mos - Kedoshim

In Today's Issue

Parsha Talk - Kedoshim: "Holy You!" - By Bardichev
Parsha Talk - Kedoshim: Two short Divrei Torah from "Yosef Hatzadik"
Testimonial of the Day: Focusing on Living Right
Daily Dose of Dov: Lust vs. Love (Don't miss if you're married!)

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Parsha Talk - Kedoshim

"Daber el kol adas bnei yisroel v'amarta aleihem kedoshim tiyhu ki Kadosh ani Hashem Elokeichem"

"Speak to the entire gathering of Bnei Yisroel and tell them to be holy, for I Hashem your G-d, am Holy."

HOLY YOU!

By "bardichev"

This week's parsha really addresses the issues we struggle with.
The Parsha begins with a commandment "Kedoshim Tiyu - you shall be holy"
Says the Chiddushai Harim:
"Kedoshim Tihiyu" is a promise:

You will be holy!

It's a gevaldiger chizuk.

And the seforim add:

How do we know that we can attain holiness?
And if we may add:

In the environment that we live in, HOW is it at all POSSIBLE to attain holiness?
The answer lies in the pasuk: "KI KADOSH ANI"
Hashem says, "I am holy, and I have enough kedusha to share in ANY situation..."

And listen to this:

Chazal say:

"Hamikadesh atzmo me-at,
Mikadshin oso harbeh"

"One who is Mekadesh himself a little,

they are mekadesh him a LOT"

As much as previous generations had less opportunities to sin,

that is how much holier we can be!
So let us be Mechazek ourselves and say:

"Wow, we have so many opportunities to be mekadaish
ourselves a little bit!"

May we all find our place in Torah and realize that HKB"H gave us the ONLY WAY that a person can live as a HUMAN.

Yes, we are Yidden.

We can do it!

KEDOSHIM TIHIYU!!

Good Shabbos!!

P.S. Say over this vort to someone you love

Bardichev

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Kedoshim Tiyhu - Be Holy!

By Yosef Hatzadik

Rashi: Kol makom she'ata motzei geder ervah, sham ata motzei kedusha. The Viener Rav Shlita explains: Every place that a person sets for himself a boundary & a fence before the ervah, That is where he will find kedusha. It is the small steps that a person takes to keep himself pure and holy that make Hashem proud.

Every time we perform a mitzva we say: asher kideshanu b'mitzvosav, who sanctified us with his mitzvos... Installing a filter on a computer, signing up with an accountability software bring upon the person a MUCH GREATER level of kedusha!!! Even before it restrains him from an aveira, the installation itself is an act of placing a "geder ervah", a fence for aveiros. This is where YOU WILL FIND KEDUSHA!!!!!!!

The greatest fence may quite likely be joining GuardYourEyes and using the many tools and fences they suggest (see the handbook)!!

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Kol adas Bnei Yisroel - The Entire Gathering of Israel

By Yosef Hatzadik

"Daber el kol adas bnei yisroel v'amarta aleihem kedoshim tiyhu - Speak to the entire gathering of bnei yisroel and tell them to be holy." _(19:2)

The Pasuk in Mishlei says: "Leta'aveh yevakesh nifrad", or as I recently heard, this can be paraphrased as L'nifrad yevakesh ta'aveh. Lust and aloneness are partners. Wherever there is one, there is the other. By banishing one of them, the other disappears too.

It is only when Bnei Yisroel gather that it is possible to command them to be holy. When we are alone in a room, the Yetzer Harah makes his way over to join us very quickly. [How many times were we 'saved' in the last minute by someone walking into the room?]

Another benefit from gathering is the strength that is in numbers. Here at GYE we all help each other, we are in it together! We do not attempt to go it alone!

So post on the Forum, get a friend who you can call when feeling weak, get an accountability partner who you stay in touch with, and join our conference calls throughout the week - to connect with others in this struggle!

(For more info on all these features, see our handbook and websites).

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Testimonial of the Day

Focusing on Living Right

Ahron, clean for over a year, wrote me today:

I just read yesterday's Chizuk e-mail and I can relate to every subtle point in both Duvid Chaim's and Dov's responses. They really "get it". Since I think I do too, I'm really part of this family - whether I go to SA meetings or not. I've become aware of the slightest spark in my internal lust sensor. That awareness is how I apply Duvid Chaim's lessons in "becoming aware of our perceptions and motivations". And Dov's points too, are right on target, as usual. We need nothing but our minds to act out. The ONLY solution is not to lose spiritual connectivity: Keep that car in shape. For me, it's working but it's slow going...

This morning I was thinking about "once an addict, always an addict". Although I believe it to be true in the sense that lust is poison and an addict cannot drink "a little" and "responsibly", I also think that ideally, at some point, an addict does not have to think about the addiction every day, even in the context of making sure not to drink. No matter what the angle is, the more you think about lust the worse off you are. Rather, the focus should be on living right - all day, every day. The more you do that, the more you reduce your sensitivity to lust.

I have to live right and gradually reduce my sensitivity to triggers. It takes a long time, but when I compare where I am today to where I was... I've made a lot of progress (to Hashem's credit, not mine).

I noticed too that my feelings about davening and learning have become genuine! I used to "miss" Minchah a lot. Of course it was "unavoidable" because I was in the middle of a meeting, etc, etc. And when I did go, it was a chore. However now, even if I don't have a lot of kavanah while davening, I am truly happy to go. I look forward to it. I did not set any goals, yet I found that I almost never miss it these days.

It's very slow going - but today I'm a happy man. The pain is not fully gone, but there you have it. Life's work goes on...

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

Lust vs. Love

This is a profound post from Dov. If you're married, I suggest printing it out and reading it slowly, at least twice.

Dov-In-Israel writes:

Let's assume a guy marries a VERY attractive wife - the top, model quality! How long will she remain attractive to him? (should we ask Tiger Woods?)

The Torah teaches us, that which a person lusts after, he comes to hate. (See the story of Amnon and Tamar).

Rabbi Arush in "The Garden of Peace" points out: Treat your wife like a queen, and she will become as beautiful as a queen to you.

Dov-Not-Yet-In-Israel replies:

Yow, I hear all of that!

My lust is simply about putting me and my inner experience of pleasure at the center of the relationship I have with my wife. (And at the center of everything else, ultimately.)

By definition, an inner experience of pleasure can't actually be shared. I can describe it to you, but we can't ever feel my feelings together. (Our personal experiences are always going to be a bit different, besides.)

Therefore, lust has no shaychus to true Connection, or to true Giving. It therefore has nothing to do with the real middah of Yesod, at all. (The Middah of Yesod - which represents sexuality, is all about "connection" and "giving"). Lust is about taking. It's like a virus that takes from it's "donor" and throws it a bone to keep the pipeline open.

So when I use lust in my marriage, r"l, I am saying to my wife:

"Once I am 'done', my dear overused and bewildered wife, you are useful only inasmuch as you may help me keep getting more of what I want. So, I'll work hard for that. But if you 'catch on' to my self-centeredness and immaturity, you are worse than irrelevant... So please ignore my behavior, or else it'll be so much harder for me to get that 'sholom bayis' (= cooperation from you) that I need so much! After all, how much manipulation can one man do? Give me a break."

If I see my wife this way, it won't be pretty. And that's exactly how I saw and treated my wife in one way or another for 11 years of marriage. I didn't make it appear that way - even to me - but that's what was going on inside, and she knew it. It's a miracle she could take it, at all.

Amnon was disgusted with Tamar - not just because she was his lust-object - but because she was not happy being a lust object. She had a vision for life of kedusha, and she couldn't have had that with him, her half-brother! She couldn't fulfill his needs - because lust needs bittul from the subject in order to work... hence Amnon's intense hatred. Bittul to me and you is where schmutz-women excel, of course! Real relationships are a quite different matter.

Love is about giving, and finds it's fulfillment through Yesod: Connection. But true Connection requires individual Freedom. Freedom to be myself - even to leave, if I wish (i.e. not to be dependant on the other). Addicts don't like that freedom very much. They become dependent and demand dependence so their lust can last.

When love fills my heart, I am saying to my wife:

"What can I, a free and valuable person with gifts, do for you? If you like what I can give, perhaps we can stay together and accomplish something useful! I like your gifts and they can help me to feel good and to be good. Just remember that I am here for you more than anyone else in this world, forever!"

Now, that's a marriage! And if I screw up sometimes, why hide it? From my life-partner?! Shtuyot! We support each other... It can be hard sometimes and there are bumps on the road, but that's the general idea.

When my wife loves me and I know it, she is pretty in my eyes by definition. Looks are not relevant when I feel true love and devotion coming from her. There is nothing more attractive to me than the eyes of the person who truly loves me: for who I am, and who wants to be connected to me more than anyone else in this world. And that connection is forever, not just in this world.

I believe that it's natural to react that way.

Why do you think Hashem's response (through the neviim) to our horrible backsliding was most often: "But I love you!, Ahavas Olam ahavtich. Yechezkel (and others) are packed with this cry from Hashem. He knows that once we actually know and accept that He looks at us with such a true love - truer than any other love ever - and that He wants us to be with Him forever, not just in this world... then nothing will stop us from running after Him as hard as we can, for that Connection.

I'm not denying the power of "Isha y'fas mar'eh" as a positive thing in a marriage relationship. But do you hear me? It's a subset of love, not a cause for love. And all the looks in the world are a far, far cry from love itself.

763.

Sunday ~ 11 Iyar, 5770 ~ April 25, 2010

In Today's Issue

Announcement 1: New cycle of Zeva's conference
Announcement 2: "Windows of the Soul" cycle starting
Tips from the Warriors: From "TrueRatzon" & Ovadia
Link of the Day: Da'as Torah on Current Events - MP3 Shiur
Daily Dose of Dov: My Emotions are My Problem

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Announcement 1

Real Clinical Therapy - almost for free!

Announcing a new cycle of Zeva's Phone Conference

Suri R., the devoted wife of Chaim R. for 20 years, is in a quandary. Chaim is a great husband and a very big Talmid Chochom. Their dining room table is constantly covered with Seforim and Torah writings. Their computer is full of Chiddushim and Parsha sheets.

However, today Suri came across a startling discovery. Not being very computer savvy, she tended to shy away from the computer. But today, by the request of her husband to print out an important document for him, she inadvertently opened the wrong folder. The contents of this folder shocked her beyond belief.

Thinking somehow this must have been some mistake or a virus; she opened some other folders at random. At this point, she had to acknowledge that there was a problem here.

Facing an addiction is hard. It's harder to do it alone. Being a Frum addict makes it even harder. Joining a support join should be the easy answer. But sometimes it's just not. Many issues can prevent one from joining such a group which can help them overcome their addictive behaviors and enhance their lives. Sometimes it's a question of geographical location or simply demographics. Sometimes it's finding just the right match.

In the words of Rabbi Dr. Abraham J Twerski M.D. founder of the Gateway Rehabilitation Center and Shaar Hatikvah rehabilitation center:

"Addicts cannot be treated by any mental health professional. Only a specialist in addiction can undertake the task of guiding the Internet addict to reform."

However, certified Frum addictions specialists who are sensitive to the religious and cultural sensitivities, are limited. Yet GYE has the answer for you, with our Tuesday night group, run by Zeva Citronenbaum L.C.S.W.R, C.S.A.T

That's where "A.C.O.A.C.H. Service Recovery Group" comes to play. In this special individualized group, participants can join from anywhere in the world (past participants have been from Boro Park, Flatbush, Williamsburg, Monsey, Monroe, Lakewood, Teaneck, Passaic, Toronto, Montreal, Mississippi, Georgia, Australia, and even Israel, amongst others) and share their struggles and successes without shame or fear, all while gaining the important skill-set to be able to move past their addictions. Using the group process, each participant gains the tools and skills to ease and enhance their journey towards their own personal recovery.

Separating emotions from logic and then reconnecting them, social skills and response processes, priorities and judgment concepts, integrated with the skills needed to focus on what works rather than "WHAT WE FEEL LIKE DOING AT THE TIME" gives the participants the ability to face the realities they were avoiding or trying to escape from. Learning to create chains to track onset and vulnerabilities of situations: such as feeling angry, lonely, tired, frustrated, hurt, shameful, upset, sad, overextended, frustrated... etc.

There are circles to promote and maintain abstinence, and indexes to track recovery progress, these are just some of the concepts taught to the group. The circles are a means to develop a Sobriety Definition and Plan. The circles include an Abstinence List, A Boundaries List and a Future Healthy Plan for your behaviors. The circles are developed by each individual as a means to reflect on, to look back to this as a working plan.

The group is led by a Frum licensed Clinical Social Worker, Zeva Citronenbaum L.C.S.W/R ,C.S.A.T, who is certified in addictions, teaches DBT-Mindful skills as well as practical skills which offers the support needed to help each individual succeed with their intended goals. Private individual follow-ups & fill-ins are available.

The group meets by teleconference every week for ten weeks, to both learn the skills, and gain support from one another. The group participants are kept strictly confidential and no personal information is ever released.

This group has been praised many times by various clinicians in many different specialties, and has the Haskamah of leading Gedolim.

For more information, please contact Zeva:

Zeva Citronenbaum
845-222-0580
Confidential Hotline
acoachservice@yahoo.com

For more info on this group, see here

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Announcement 2

"Windows of the Soul" cycle starting

Starting tomorrow be"h, from Shemiras Ainayim Chizuk Chizuk e-mail #401 and on, we will be quoting daily excerpts from the new book called "Windows of the Soul" by Rabbi Zvi Miller of the Salant Foundation. If you are not signed up to this e-mail list and would like to join the new cycle, please click "Update profile/address" at the bottom of this e-mail and select the second e-mail list".

This Shemiras Ainayim Chizuk List originally started back in December of 2008 with this book, but that was an older version, taken from a PDF pre-draft of the book before it came out. The newly released book is much more elaborate, and has been enhanced with great parables and real-life situations.

Just today, two people mentioned the book on our forum:

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Tips from the Warriors

"TrueRatzon" wrote:

I can sum up a few things that I have learned recently in this struggle:

1) A person should never despair and feel that his past aveiros will hinder his opportunity to come back to Hashem. Hashem wants every person to do teshuvah no matter how many times he's fallen in the past.

2) Carnal desires are 97% lust and 3% pleasure. Once the pleasure comes, it only lasts a very short time and then you feel empty and defeated when it's over. The key to success is to always have an awareness of the test and realize the emptiness of giving into the desire vs. the fulfillment of saying no!

3) Each time you are Holy, you are fulfilling a mitzvah that Hashem directly commanded each Jew to keep, i.e. be Kadosh (this past week's Parsha). This is a great motivating factor because the Creator of the entire universe wants me and you to be Kadosh!

4) It's so important to keep this fight a battle of the mind, and not the heart. We need to limit our exposure to things that get our hearts and emotions aroused. Because once it becomes a battle of the heart, it is much harder to win!

5) I am mature adult who can say 'no' to the child within me.

6) Our neshamos are a brightly burning flame. If we pour water on them - by seeing improper things, we can chas v'shalom lessen our flame.

7) Consistency is so important in life and in this battle. I truly believe that keeping something up every day can really help me go a long way.

8) Last night after Shabbos, I learned in day six of "Windows of the Soul" that it's important to stay motivated to learn Torah on a daily basis and set some time to focus on learning mussar to quell the yetzer harah.

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Ovadia wrote:

I am writing this on my way to work on a bus full of Pritzus. I have worked out various practical techniques to help me. One thing is to be prepared. I always take with me for my journey a variety of activities to occupy me. If possible a Sefer, but otherwise general reading that will keep me interested and focused. Another thing is my dignity. I try to be aware of my status as a frum Jew, and that to "gaze" at pritzus "pas nisht".

As I write, from the corner of my eye a certain sight is visible. Hashem! I really do not want to see it, but it is there. Is it possible to live a normal life in a way that I do not transgress Velo Sosuru? I think that Bli Neder I am going to try and work through the book "Windows to the Soul" and post my progress here on the forum.

Thank you everyone for "listening" and being supportive.

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Link of the Day

Daas Torah on Current Events

A Shiur From the Rosh Yeshiva, Rav Aharon Feldman Shlit"a

Download here a powerful Shmooze from the Rosh Yeshiva Rav Feldman (who is a warm supporter of our work at GYE - see his Haskama here). The entire talk is just over 24 minutes, but the key point (that Internet, movies, etc. can make us forget our entire purpose in life and can take away our entire Cheishek to Shteig in learning and Avodas Hashem) begins at about 13:25.

The entire Shmooze is highly recommended. The Rosh Yeshiva talks about current / contemporary events, such as the volcanic eruptions, which have disrupted air flight overseas; the huge upheaval in Polish government due to an air crash; September 11; and diseases such as AIDS. Although we would need a Navi or a Baal Ruach HaKodesh to tell us the reasons for these events, there is much that can be learned from a Pasuk in Yeshaya regarding Acharis HaYamim.

For just a one minute excerpt from the shiur which emphasizes the terrible damage that the internet and media is causing, click here.

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

My Emotions are My Problem

To someone full of anger at the addiction and the world, Dov writes:

If nothing else works, dear yid, and you ever decide to turn to the Steps for help, you may discover that under all your pain and rage, your real problem is your own resentment. Nobody else has the power to give you rage. My emotions are my own problem, and getting freedom requires me to let go of the right to hate the hell out of someone. Actually, out of anyone. I believe that very few people really want to "do bad" - we all do what has a payoff for us, whether it's really good for us or not. I acted out for 25 years (even though it was clearly screwing me up) because my heart told me it was in my very best interest to get that nice, warm, and loving feeling that porn gives me. You couldn't have convinced me otherwise at the time. The people we resent (evil jerks) are almost always people who have a very screwed-up sense of what is in their best interest.

They, of course, learned that somewhere... probably from their sick parents who carried around their own immense pain and resentment and just wouldn't let it go either.

So, I say keep reading this forum and see how out of control you are. You may then say, "Holy (cow)! I am ruled by character defects that I can't fight!" Then you might read the book, "Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions", by AA, on steps 4-7. If you work those steps your life will be changed drastically and probably forever. And your wife and children will be very grateful to you.

Maybe I am a fool... Correction: I am a fool. But I am a fool who loves you, and all addicts.

764.

Monday ~ 12 Iyar, 5770 ~ April 26, 2010

In Today's Issue

Personal Victory of the Day: Attack at 15 Months
Daily Dose of Dov: Doing what you need to do, today
Repeat Announcement: New cycle of Zeva's conference

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Personal Victory of the Day

Attack at 15 Months

By Yaakov Shwartz

Many of you in this site probably don't even know me. I am a GYE old timer, who has been sober for close to FIFTEEN months through GYE, and still going, B"H. My commitment to sanity and sobriety is strong. If you want to get to know me better, you can read my journal that I posted on google docs or you could read my thread: 15+ years of battle.

I wanted to share with everyone a very scary encounter I had today with the yetzer hara. Today was my first major nisayon since the start of my journey FIFTEEN months ago. Today was the first time I actually had a real thought to sin. B"H, with the help of Hashem, I emerged victorious. Before I tell you what happened, I would like to share with you what I believe was part of the cause of this situation. Firstly, I have been lax in my davening for protection. I used to daven constantly to Hashem for help. But, as time went on, and my sense of security got stronger, I mellowed out. The second thing was that my shemiras eynayim was not as strong as it used to be.

So here is what happened. I created a web page for a client to collect data for registrants. Today, I was looking at the data and noticed a lot of indecent material. There were lots of urls for p**n. My heart began racing. There was a small voice inside me that said, "What a shame to miss out on such an OPPORTUNITY. You won't have to feel guilty because You were not looking for it. And of course you can take just ONE PEEK. And then that would be it. You can go back to work. And after all, you have been so strong, what could one peek do to you? No one would know. And besides, aren't you so CURIOUS to see what kind of pictures they are? Don't worry, this is is not a lust attack, it is just a curiosity attack. That's not so harmful. Go for it, yaakov. Go for it."

And so there I was, actually considering to commit spiritual/mental suicide.

But... Morai v'rabosai, for the past FIFTEEN months I prepared myself for this moment. I davened to Hashem the day should never come. But I asked that if it ever comes, I should have the strength and wisdom and pull myself out of it. I spoke to myself constantly to always remember the future implications of my actions. Never be fooled by the conniving ways of the yetzer hara. I had to remind myself over and over again that if it is wrong and bad to look at porn and mas**bate; G-d despises it being and done, and that's it. I refrain because I was told so. Not because it gives me emotional stability. Period. There is no room for debate with myself. This I told over and over to myself. And now the moment of truth arrived. Here I was contemplating the most horrific act, and I said NO NO NO!!! But he did not let up. He kept popping into my head and urging me to peek. The impulses were strong. He kept reminding me that it is just a peek. That's all. Just to satisfy the curiosity.

Finally, I felt strong and said "I will not". But I knew I could not just sit there. I quickly ran out and called my wife on the cell and told her what happened. She knows about my past addiction (though not to its fullest extent). She was pleased that I felt comfortable speaking to her about it. I told her that by speaking it out, it helps cool the fire.

Later on that day, I went to the kosel to daven my hear out. Firstly, I thanked Hashem for saving me from death, and then asked for further protection.

Tomorrow is the last day of Beha"b. May Hashem grant us all full kapara and continued shemira from the yetzer hara. To be granted that shemira, we need to daven for it and constantly set up better and better gedarim.

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

Doing what you need to do, today

Someone writes to Dov a question:

Hi Dov,

I have accepted on myself that I will follow the program to the best of my abilities regardless if I understand everything in it. After all, as you say, it is my best thinking that got me into this mess. But occasionally I do have a question I would like to ask and hope to get understanding and chizuk from it. So here goes.

Let me introduce you to a fellow named Yechiel. This Yechiel is an extremely self-centered, ego-centric, selfish, always looking out for number one type of guy. It is in his very bones. Even when he does for others it is in one of three ways. (1) give to take (2) give what must be given due to circumstance (father, husband etc.) but get it over, done with and out of the way ASAP (3) give but constantly live for and anticipate the next upcoming "me-time/pleasure moment".

Now due to a chain of events, Yechiel is being told that he must completely change his life, in effect create Yechiel 2.0. This new Yechiel will be the complete opposite of the old one. While unhappy with 1.0, he contemplates what 2.0 requires and a feeling of tremendous withdrawal arises. "Can I do this?", he wonders. "Do I even WANT to do this?". "But what's the alternative, more of the same?" "Can't do that either". So he is scared and wonders, "Are there people out there of the Yechiel 1.0 type, who have successfully made the journey from self-service to God/Others service and are living a new, fundamentally improved life? Of course there are recovering addicts, but have they come from such a selfish place as he has?

Dov, what would you say to Yechiel?

Best regards,

Yechiel 1.0

~~~~ Dov Replies: ~~~~

Dear Yechiel,

I'll just let you know that I am a self-serving, self-obsessed, egomaniac with a tendency to focus way too much on what other people think of me. It interferes with almost every department of my life. It drives me nuts mainly in shul and at work, and I need to do something about it.

At the same time (you may have read my story), my entire life is vastly different than it was 15 years ago - even than it was 10 years ago - and even very different than it was 5 years ago - all because I am not acting out with lust and also because I am using the steps (very imperfectly) in my daily life.

As of today, I live with my personal G-d (Hashem) much more of the time than I used to; I take my wife and kids' needs much more seriously and sympathetically than I used to; I have grown up a bit and take my responsibilities to others more seriously than I used to... all imperfectly and inconsistently. But it seems that the improvement I have made is all I really need in order to stay sober.

Here's the catch: It seems that as I go along, the deepness of the connection that I must to have to my G-d and to the people in my life naturally increases.

What was honest yesterday is not honest enough today.

What was G-d-centered yesterday is too self-centered today.

It just won't do anymore. If I remain the same I will be disconnected and I just hate that feeling.

I deserve better than that old slop. Besides, if I get uncomfortable enough, I'll eventually act out, right? And that's not an option any more, so I'd better work the steps! It may sound weird, but it's just the way it is. Recovery is an escalator you never really get off of. It may be slow, but you will keep moving up. You'll have to.

There is an Ibn Ezra on the struggles of b'nei Yisroel in the midbar in which he writes that our real problem was that we looked at what we would have to do to "make it" in Eretz Yisroel, and looked at how we were right then (eating the manna and living under the ananei hakavod), and we freaked out. Kind of like a pompous 13 year-old getting behind the wheel of a car or trying to live on his own. He just isn't equipped for the challenges of adult life. B'nei Yisroel didn't stay in today, and trust that by the time they got to Eretz Yisroel, Hashem would give them the growth they'd need to face those huge challenges. He's real smart, you know. But they still had that dependent slave mentality and could not imagine growing up and really being independent. We types do exactly the same thing. Our state in two, five, ten years from now is supposed to be rachok mitziur sichleinu (far from our imagination). So we give up on them - today! Thinking about it is just plain nuts. It's none of our business.

We need to do today's work and trust Hashem. Basically, we need to just get the heck out of His way, that's all.

So, consider quitting the "I've got to change myself into an alien" business and focus on doing what you need to do today to let go of today's fears, resentments and demands that are making you uncomfortable right now. That's what the steps, a sponsor, and recovery buddies are for. And that's what having a G-d is for, too, Hashem li, v'lo ira! He's for you.

Sound selfish? Well, as they say, it's about enlightened self-interest. I want to be useful, and I want to be sober. And the only way for me to do that is to be just a bit less self-centered in my actions, today. G-d (not me) will take care of the rest and will make the changes in my motivations as time goes on. That's it. It takes a little humility every day to let go of the heavy burden of "doing the avoda" and just live as His children. (Most of the fire really comes from shamayim - we just bring a little bit from our own, right?)

Love, (really)

Dov

765.

Tuesday ~ 13 Iyar, 5770 ~ April 27, 2010

In Today's Issue

Torah Thought 1: Erech Apayim = Yesod = Shemiras Habris
Torah Thought 2: Addict Chashuv Ki'meis
Therapy Tip of the Day: Candeo Recovery Program
Attitude Tip of the Day: Building up love for Hashem
Daily Dose of Dov: The Need to Feel Special

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Two Beautiful Torah Thoughts

Erech Apayim = Yesod = Shemiras Habris

Posted by "Steve"

Today, our Rebbe Reb Duvid Chaim, was discussing (on the phone conference) the Middos of Rachamim (Attributes of Mercy). The sixth attribute of the thirteen is "Erech Apayim", which refers to God's endless patience with us. It might be possible that Erech Apayim corresponds to the sixth of the Seven Middos through which God runs the world (Chesed, Gevurah, Tiferes etc), which is Yesod. Yesod refers to shmiras habris, moral purity, which is our addiction. This teaches us that Hashem's patience is especially applicable to those of us who are engaged in working on Midas Hayesod, the struggle to establish and solidify the foundations of our lives and our Yiddishkeit. He knows how difficult it is and has all the patience in the world (after all, He created patience!) as he waits for us to get it right by fully turning to Him and "letting go and letting God".

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Addict Chashuv Ki'Meis

By "honest mouse"

Rav Chaim Shmulevitz says (in Sichos Mussar) that the reason why a metzora, someone without kids, a poor person and a blind person are choshuv kemais (considered as dead), is because they all have something in common which they are lacking.

Each one, in their own way, is lacking in the ability to give and interact with other people. The people we give most to are our kids, a poor person is obviously less able to give and to help people (monetarily), a metzora is secluded from people, and a blind person can't connect to people on the highest level (he quotes from the possuk where Moshe saw the suffering of the people, that the highest level of connection is through sight). In other words, the whole point of life is being able to give to others, share in their pain, try and help them out and connect with them. If you are unable to do this, you aren't truly alive and are therefore considered as dead.

The message I took from this in relation to our struggle, is that being absorbed in self pleasure and lust gratification is withdrawing from people and taking selfishly, it's the opposite of what life is for, and the whole time we do it, we are adding ourselves to the list of 'chosuv kemais' - we are behaving as if we are dead!

As a side point, I try to have kavonoh in shmoineh esrei when saying 'mechayey maisim' that Hashem should help me act alive instead of dead.

May we all be Zoche to 'chose life'!

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Therapy Tip of the Day

Candeo Recovery Program

Posted by "Feedtherightwolf"

I took part in Candeo recovery program when I started early on in my recovery. In and of itself, it was not enough to give me a long term sobriety, because I did not make God the number one authority in my recovery.

Nevertheless, the more I stick around 12 step groups, I see more and more people that I think can benefit from it.

They use a cognitive therapy approach, and it is presented in video format lectures by 2 PH.D's and a recovering porn addict Mark Kestleman, author of "The Drug of New Millennium" - a pretty good book on pornography addiction.

They also have a free mini course that you can sign up for.

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From the website:

Candeo Can (sponsored link) is an online program that has contributed a great deal towards my personal recovery. I have learned more from this program in two months, than I have done in a year of one on one counseling. Initially it was hard for me to get myself to pay $197 for an online recovery program, but in the end I must say it was well worth the cost. I am now a year free from compulsive masturbation, 7 month free from compulsive pornography viewing and 85 days free from purposely looking at any form of sexually explicit material. Note: If you can not afford Candeo Can program consider looking into it's free alternative.

Candeo Can (sponsored link) consists of 10 levels, each one taking approximately 1-2 hours to complete. Each level has exercises that you must complete in order to proceed forward, as well as homework assignments that should be performed over an assigned period of time ranging from 1 day to 1 week.

In addition all information is presented in a form of video lectures which makes learning fun and efficient process.

To learn more about the program and to sign up for a free mini course please visit CandeoCan.com (sponsored link).

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Attitude Tip of the Day

Building Up Love for Hashem

"StrugglingYid" writes:

Doing a big Teshuva might be great -- but when you love someone, it is not only about the big things, but in how you do the small things. Not that I am knocking the big things, they are important, but if you want to really show someone you love them, you have to constantly be doing the little things that matter so much.

"Briut" Replies:

This really spoke to me somehow. What "StrugglingYid" is talking about is doing something small for Hashem, JUST BECAUSE. Le'Chinam. Stam.

Because... it helps me keep my focus on Him, b'chol yom tamid. And maybe even because it gives Him nachas (K'Y) that His children still remember Him lovingly after all these years of golus and tzuris.

So, if I can remember to do little things for my wife and kids "just because," shouldn't it be a kal v'chomer to do this for Him?

So simple, yet so easy for me to forget.

I should try saying, "I'm about to do this 'easy' mitzvah... FOR YOU, Hashem." I'm about to walk away from this aveira opportunity... FOR YOU, Hashem."

Keep Him in mind always and do the SMALL stuff "for Him," and not just the BIG stuff. This is a powerful way to show Him our love, and to help us build up our love for Him each day.

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

The Need to Feel Special

Someone posted on the forum:

We tell ourselves that we want to feel wanted, needed, special. It's a natural desire; everyone wants that, right? Problem is, I'm not getting it in the rest of my life, so I need to find some area where I can feel that... And that's part of the reason we run to the schmutz...

Dov replies:

Yes, there is tremendous warmth and acceptance that we (sickly) find in schmutz, no question about it. And we tend to crave that so much. But our survival mechanism itself poisons us, in the end, and draws us deeper and deeper into stuff that separates us from everybody else! Lust separates us from others in so many ways, on the inside (in our own hearts) and on the outside (through our behavior).

Life is supposed to be grand and gorgeous - just not on my terms. I do need to be special and great - for each one of us is! But not necessarily in the things that we expect.

The glory of being a ben Torah, a husband, a tatty, an eved Hashem was definitely not the way I expected it to be, at all. And I tried to control it all and run the show to make it at that game - and when I failed, I usually ran to my schmutz to make things feel right. I could be a King over there...a real stud, in my imagination. Pathetic, really.

Nu. We can all laugh at ourselves sometimes... Hashem loves us anyway, and perhaps He chuckles the way we chuckle (inside) when our kiddies flop on their tooshies trying to walk - how clumsy they are and how persistent! Gevalt! Hashem - save us from ourselves!!

766.

Wednesday ~ 14 Iyar, 5770 ~ April 28, 2010
Pesach Sheini

In Today's Issue

Pesach Sheini: "Lama Ni'garah?!"
Q & A of the Day: The G-d Hole
Testimonial of the Day: By "Frumfeind"
Daily Dose of Dov: His way is getting me well

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Pesach Sheini

"Lama Ni'garah?!"

Last year on Pesach Sheini, we announced the launch of the two Handbooks - in Chizuk e-mail #473 on this page (which I remember writing in the early morning hours, after having been up all night finishing the handbooks up :-)

The two handbooks can be downloaded here:

1) The GuardYourEyes Handbook

18 suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, to beating lust addiction.

2) The GuardYourEyes Attitude

30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle.

I would like to share something from that memorable chizuk e-mail last year:

Today is Pesach Sheini - which is all about having a
SECOND CHANCE!

The Medrash says that it was those who were carrying the bones of Yosef Hatzadik that asked Moshe "Lama Ni'garah - why should we be less worthy to sacrifice the Korban of Hashem in its proper time?" And in the merit of their sincere desire, Hashem gave them the special Mitzvah of Pesach Sheini, which turned out to be not only a second chance for them, but for anyone who was impure or was "out of town", for all generations to come!

We here on GuardYourEyes, were also "impure" at one time or another. We were "out of town" on a journey that Hashem was leading us on, and we often didn't understand what it was that Hashem wanted from us. We thought Hashem had abandoned us and we cried out: "Lama Ni'garah?!"

But in the merit of our cries, and in the merit that we tried to uphold "the bones" of Yosef Hatzadik- who symbolizes Yesod - in striving for purity in these areas even though we kept falling time and time again (which is like holding bones; there seems to be no life in what we are doing), Hashem in His great mercy gave us all a second chance and led us here, to the GuardYourEyes community.

And today, my dear brothers, with the launch of these two new handbooks, EVERY SINGLE JEW WHO WANTS TO BE PURIFIED will have HIS second chance as well. In the merit of our cries of"Lama Nigarah?", the community of GYE was built. And as a result, not only were we given a second chance, but now, every single Jew who struggles with these issues, will be given a second chance as well.

Help us spread the handbooks on to others!

These handbooks lay down a foundation that will hopefully last until Moshiach's time, and will BE"H help pull thousands of Yidden out of the 50th level of impurity. (We also hope that these two handbooks will eventually evolve into a published book).

Ever since the advent of the internet some 15 years ago, the Yetzer Hara has been granted free reign, wreaking havoc in thousands of Jewish homes, destroying lives and marriages, and cutting Yidden off from the source of life itself. Indeed, the Ohr Hachayim on Parshas Shmos (3:8) writes, that before Moshiach's time the Jewish nation will be subjected to the 50th level of impurity. But he also writes there, that before the Redemption the Jewish people will garner the strength to enter into the very "mouth" of the 50th level of impurity, and pull out that which the Satan had already swallowed.

And that is exactly what the GuardYourEyes community is doing today. The Ohr Hachayim Hakadosh could not have used a more divinely inspired analogy. We are entering into the mouth of the Yetzer Hara himself, and using the very power of the internet to pull out these sparks of Kedusha, these holy souls, that have fallen to the 50th level of impurity!

The free reign of the the Yetzer Hara's terror is coming to an end. Today, on Pesach Sheini, 5769, the Satan is shuddering in fear, for he senses that his end is near indeed. With the launch of these two handbooks, we have just moved the Redemption much closer.

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Q & A of the Day

The G-d Hole

"Why is it so hard to turn away? Why is there so much pain? How come I can be such a good Yid and daven and learn, yet the moment I see a pretty woman my heart cries in pain and I want to run after lust? Why am I so messed up inside? What am I - a good person or a total pervert?"

Dear holy Yid,

We humans are made up of a body and soul. The soul craves a deep and sublime connection to G-d, who is the source of all good, beauty and pleasure. Our body "messes up these signals" and tries to fill this "G-d hole" with the bubble and illusion of lust. As long as we are still mostly "physical" people who haven't built up the "soul" part of our nature to be uppermost in importance to us, it will feel very painful to say "no" to the illusion, as it leaves the "G-d hole" feeling empty, with nothing to "cover over the hole", even if the patch is imaginary and comes right off.

The only way that we can one day truly not feel pain at "saying no" and feel good in our lives without the imaginary "balm of lust", is if we strive to intensify our soul's prominence in our lives. When we feel the pull of lust, we need to tell ourselves that it's our soul's yearning for G-dliness and for G-d's loving embrace that we are really craving. We should use this opportunity to cry out "Father! I know that it's really YOU who is calling me. I just get the signals all mixed up because my body is still in control of me more than my soul is. Help me, Father, to be more spiritual, so I can run to You and to Your ever-loving embrace..."

As the Ba'al Shem Tov says, these feelings of lust are given to us so we can uplift this "fallen love" to the highest heights. If we never yearned for love, connection and pleasure, how would we know that such a thing exists in a spiritual form? It is only because we experience it on this world, that we can imagine what TRUE love and connection must be like.

So at the end of the day, our deep yearnings and pain are our biggest blessings. They are the hidden signals of our soul, calling us to experience the true subliminal love and connection with the source of all beauty and good, comfort and pleasure, warmth and light.

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Testimonial of the Day

"Frumfiend" (a Talmid Chacham and Magid Shiur) wrote today on the forum:

A little cheshbon hanefesh and hakaras hatov likras lel hashloshim that I am clean. It is symbolic that this number which is considered significant in the recovery process, happened to fall out lel pesach sheni. Pesach sheni is the day of a second chance and so is GYE a second chance for me. As I have previously posted, I had totally given up hope of recovering. I hold lifetime memberships in p*n sites. I had thrown out computers and the internet countless times, to no avail. Somehow I stumbled on this site which has given me a second chance.

Thank you to all those that post replies, chizuk and musar to my posts.

Thanks for all the PMs and regards that keep me going.

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

His way is getting me well

When my wife first found out about my addiction, we used to get into fights every Monday night, either before or after my SA meeting - till about 1.5 years when I did my 4th step and my mood and behavior really began to change. Then things really started getting better - she gave the credit to my sponsor (and to sobriety)! I wanted the credit then (sigh)! But it really goes to Hashem working through SA, I believe.

Now, my wife can laugh her head off about how stupid my temptations are (as I believe the temptations in all addictions are), and I can actually laugh with her. After all, honestly feeling that "all I need to be happy right now is a rendezvous with some other woman", is so absurd! It's really just plain stupid. So we can laugh. But that's because the pain is so far away by now... Time heals a lot, as my wife often reminds me.

But inside I know, that as free as I may be today, if I don't take it seriously, there is no doubt that it'll kill me and destroy our family. She probably realizes it too, but it thankfully goes unsaid... Heck, I spent my first couple of years in recovery trying to "get her to see my side", as though it'd really help me a lot. My efforts just drove both of us crazy. With my sponsor's help, I gave that up and accepted total responsibility on myself... B"H for that.

Every case is different though, and I do see how in some marriages, having the wife "understand" the nature of the addiction can be helpful. Actually, my wife understands quite a bit. She just doesn't understand how smart it can seem to me when I'm messed up! (In other words, - although acting on lust is probably the very stupidest thing I can ever do in any situation and makes life's troubles worse, never better, I remember that whenever I have ever wanted to act out, it seemed like the most important thing for me to do at that moment. I really seem to need it. And if I really feel I need it, then it must mean that at some level I believe it is in my very best interest, no?). If my wife really knew how powerful lust can be in my brain, she'd realize that even she is totally powerless over it and freak out, I guess. If she really understood the risk from the inside of me, she'd probably react out of fear and try to be very sexual with me and "satisfy me" to keep me safe... Ha!... (we had been down that horrifying road before!) and that would be the end of me for sure! I'd probably be acting out in a week, c"v.

Or, she'd react by deciding we need to remain celibate till the end of time... that wouldn't be very nice either...

"Boruch Hashem" is all I can say. He works things out in ways that may seem insane to me at times, but if I stay sober and keep my brain's mouth shut I soon discover that His way is best. In fact, given a choice at many phases, I never would have recovered this way! Yet here I am as of today! My way got me as sick as I got, and His way is getting me well. That's all I need to know.

767.

Thursday ~ 15 Iyar, 5770 ~ April 29, 2010

In Today's Issue

Testimonial of the Day: "Eye.nonymous" hits 180 days clean!
Attitude Tip of the Day: People, Not Objects
Daily Dose of Dov: Training the Good Muscles

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Testimonial of the Day

"Eye.nonymous" hits 180 Days Clean!

Eye.nonymous posted on the forum:

Day 180 was rather uneventful.

On day 90 I had this feeling, "Okay, I made it, what now?"

But now I see that there's always deeper levels of dirt to clean off. Higher levels of awareness to reach. Greater levels of freedom to gain.

Every day just keeps getting better.

I was talking with my wife about some of the changes I have undergone recently, especially in being less selfish and understanding her view of intimacy.

Well, after she stopped laughing, she said, "YOU FINALLY UNDERSTAND! HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?"

Of course, I attributed it to GuardYourEyes and to Duvid Chaim's calls. She said, "You REALLY started changing since you started the phone calls with Duvid Chaim." And, I think she's right.

I wanted to say this because at first I had serious reservations about joining Duvid Chaim's group. I asked myself, "AM I REALLY THAT BAD?! I only mast*** every once in a while, and once every so often my Yetzer Hara gets the best of me on the internet."

But I met Duvid Chaim at one of the GYE kumzitzes in the Holy Land a few months ago, and I could sense from him that THERE'S A LOT MORE TO RECOVERY THAN JUST STAYING CLEAN. He just overflows with joy, every second. I admitted to myself that I DON'T HAVE THAT - AND I WANT IT, TOO!

So, here I am on the calls. And each day just keeps getting better, B"H!

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Attitude Tip of the Day

People, Not Objects

We got this e-mail recently from "Shlomo"

I had to speak to my teenage boys recently about the dealing with the challenges of being a teenager. What I shared with them I have tried to take to heart in my own life. It has helped shed clarity on my own perspective and I wanted to share it with the group.

What I explained to my boys was that that there is a fundamental difference between the way the world wants us to look at women and the way Yidishkeit looks at women.

The word at large wants us to look at women as objects of desire. That is why they put a pretty woman on an advertisement for a car for a soft drink or for anything else. Desire the woman and desire the object. Both are there only for our pleasure. Women are OBJECTS to fill our desires. Viewing women or thinking about women in this light de-voids the woman of being a person. She is just an OBJECT to fuel our lust.

Yidishkeit portrays women as role models. The Emahos were real people with incredible depth and insight. The Torah specifically tells us about their personal struggles and challenges and how they reached out to Hashem for their salvation. They were HUMAN BEINGS of enormous potential filled with aspirations and hopes. They were incredible PEOPLE to look up to and to emulate. The Torah tells us that the Emahos were physically beautiful. Why is this relevant? The Torah is ingraining in us that women, even beautiful women, are people, potentially great people. They are not objects. The mother of today is the Ekeres Habais. She is the primary influence on the chinuch of our children. The mother of today struggles to be loved and appreciated as every human being does. Once again, the women role model of today is a person to look up to and respect.

When we train ourselves to look at a woman in general as a person, not an object, it changes our perspective of how we think about that person.

This idea can be applied to us in our daily lives. When you see a pretty co-worker or a pretty woman on the street, you have a choice. You can see another OBJECT of desire. A pretty package that is only there to serve your desire and lust. OR you can see a PERSON just like yourself. A person who is trying to pay her bills. A person who is trying to be conscientious at work. A person who may be a mother or a good friend to somebody. So what that she comes in a pretty package! At the end of the day she is a person just like you, struggling to make it thorough her day. When you take note of a pretty person, turn away before the lust takes hold and blinds you from seeing her as a person. Start training yourself, before the wrong thoughts take hold, to think of her as someone's mother or supportive friend. Think of her as a tax payer, or as someone who has to deal with traffic. Viewing her in that light will hopefully make you aware that the person you saw is just that, A PERSON, not an object for your desire.

I have tried to take this to heart and incorporate this into my own life and have found that it helps.

If you feel that there is value in the above, please feel free to share it. I would appreciate people's feedback or comments.

Thanks for the daily chizuk. It is exactly that. Daily, often needed, Chizuk.

Shlomo

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

Training the Good Muscles

"Yiddle" wrote on the forum:

"Hashem: I am talking directly to you. Please, I sit here with tears nearly streaming down my cheeks. Please give me the power and the will I lack to overcome this. Please allow me to live. Please take away the source of the pain. I want to break free of this more than anything in the world. Bli neder, I will not use my computer for a month. I can use other people's computers for no longer than 15 minutes at a time, and no more than 30 minutes a day. I am also making a plan to get rid of my laptop for good. I don't need it. I just make excuses to have it."

Dov responds:

Yiddle, I love you so much! You are pouring out your heart here and saying words that I have cried over, too, and still cry over them. I want to be close to Hashem, instead of to Lust. I want to be His, not Lust's. I want to be free of lust today more than anything in the world - no question!

Please consider the positive side, too. You speak to Him of "not doing this or that, limiting something, etc." The entire solution includes lots of positives - the positives is where we gain the condolence that we need to remain free of the schmutz! To be OK without it! The positive for me, is talking to Hashem calmly and humbly a few times a day, before and after davening for 5 seconds, 10 seconds, a minute, whatever, and before I leave my house in the morning, go to work, leave my work, come home, etc. When I do anything that in the past may have led to getting distracted by lust, I talk to Him and ask Him calmly to just help me do this right.

It seems clear that you recognize that the connection you need will not be supplied for you by the schmutz and acting-out behaviors any more. True. That is over, whether you like it or not, I believe (feeling a little terror here is quite normal, by the way...)

But we are not G-d. Only He is One and Alone! We, however, need to be plugged into something greater than ourselves, something we worship, a Higher Power. That is how we are made!

But then where will it come from? Answer: You need to create it - it will not happen by itself. I do not need just "tahara" (i.e. not sinning)! Stopping there will assure my failure. I need to start growing in kedusha and d'veikus! The "freedom from sin" part is a gift! But the connection with Hashem? That I have to fight for!

Not because He makes me fight for it for some cruel reason, nor because I need to "deserve it", chas vesholom. No way! It's a gift I will never deserve! Rather, it's simply because I spent years and years connecting to my lust instead of to Him and to people in a healthy way, whenever I felt empty. See, besides just an addiction it is a trained reaction - so I need to start training the good muscles, with His help.

I hope this is chizuk to you, my friend.

Much love,

Dov

768.

Friday ~ 16 Iyar, 5770 ~ April 30, 2010
Erev Shabbos Parshas Emor

In Today's Issue

Parsha Talk - Emor / Lag Ba'Omer: Fire Away!
Parsha Talk - Emor: Shemiras HaLashon = Shemiras Habris
Two Great Links: Intimacy = In To Me See / A Shiur by Rabbi Nissin Kaplan
Daily Dose of Dov: Dressing our struggle in the Chaluka d'Rabannon

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Parsha Talk: Emor / Lag Ba'Omer

Fire away!!

By "Bardichev"

We are standing at the door of Lag B'Omer.

Many of us will be heading to Meron.

What is the message of this hidden Yom Tov?

How do we, who struggle with the Yetzer Hara, gain chizuk and apply it in a practical way?

My zayde, the Kedushas Levy, has the answer.

It says in this week's Parsha:

"If the daughter of a Kohen begins to sin, she is defiling her father and she shall be burned."

Says the Holy Kedushas Levy:

When a person sins he provides life to the klippos, thereby weakening his connection with Hashem.

The sin has in it heat and passion, which was misplaced and is now giving energy to the forces of evil.

So how do we reconnect??

The Torah Teaches Us:

U'bas ish kohen ki sechel liznos...

The Jewish soul - the princess (bas kohen) - that begins to sin...

How can it be fixed??!!

BA'AISH TISAREF!!

Burn it up! Fire it up!!

Serve Hashem with fervor, with feeling, with passion!

Sing, Dance, Clap, Cry, Laugh, Be ALLLIIIVE!!

By serving Hashem through hislahavus, we can readjust the passion to what it really was intended for!!

And we can snatch away that which the Satan stole.

Maybe that is the secret of why we light a madurah (bonfire) in honor of Reb Shimon.

To reconnect the fire within us to the highest places!

The fire of Reb Shimon burns in all of us!!

GEVALDIGGGG!!!

Good Shabbos

Bardichev

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Parsha Talk: Emor

Shemiras Halashon = Shemiras Habris

By "Yosef Hatzadik"

Vayikov ben ha'isha ha'yisroelis es Hashem vaykalel..... v'shem imo Shelomis bas Divri l'mateh Dan. _(24:11)

It is brought down in various Sefarim that bris Hamaor (shemiras habris) is dependent on Bris Halashon. Maybe a source can be found in this posuk. Rashi says that Shlomis bas Divri was the only Jew that was nichshal in Mitzraim with immorality. The son that was the fruit of this immoral union - this breach in Bris Hamaor, was the one who breached the Bris Haloshon.

And as Rabbi Twerski once sent us:

There are many people who are desperate and say that they would do anything to be free of the compulsion. Here is something that will indeed take much effort, but if one is really ready to do anything, this can help greatly:

WATCH YOUR SPEECH! Be meticulous in avoiding ALL lashon hara (defamatory talk), any untruth, and any coarse language.

In order to know what proper speech is and what is forbidden, avail yourself of the Chafetz Chaim's "Guard Your Tongue."

This may seem simple, but it really takes great effort, because we are in the habit of talking without giving much thought to what we say. To become conscious and watchful of speech is anything but simple, but if one is really interested in being free of sexual compulsions, this can be of great help.

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Two Great Links

Intimacy = In To Me See

An article about Lag Ba'Omer and "Leading through our Weaknesses"

By Benyamin Bresinger of Project Pride

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A Shiur From Rabbi Nissin Kaplan

We got the following e-mail from someone:

I was listening to a shiur from Rabbi Nissin Kaplan (from Kolhashiurim.com) on this week's Parshas Emor, and he mentioned a shmuz from Rav Chaim Shmuelevitz ZT"L (5731-13) that is very relevant to our struggle. (I think the relevant part is around 1/2 hour into the talk, when he discusses the "Mekoshesh Eitzim").

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

Dressing our struggle in the Chaluka d'Rabonnon

The reason that I hang on to the idea that the Problem is not a primarily a religious one is partially because that was my experience. So I accept that yours may be very different.

But that's not the only reason. I have also seen so many people prefer to slog through this mess and (unnecessarily) drag their poor families through it as well, all "for the sake of Hashem". Please bear with me. I do not doubt their holiness and the purity of their intentions, as I made the same mistake for years and remember it all too well. I have come to believe that the overwhelming majority of sweet, frum yidden who do have what you might call the "full-blown addiction" to lust, spend precious years or decades struggling with it painfully, as though they were normal; as though they just need to get "good" enough, and they'll stop! They desperately and innocently apply a chulent of basic Torah concepts, pop-psychology, and mussar to their mental, physical and spiritual problem called 'Addiction'. As a result, many develop deep emunah problems after years of falling flat on their faces. We go on hiding our shame ever more deeply, and eventually even drag our wives, children, and sometimes even our community, through absolute gehenom.

Based on this, there is no question in my own mind that the normal rules and attitudes of shmiras haBris, sexuality and tzniyus do not do them much use. I applied them to my struggle - and so did most of the well-meaning Rebbis and psychologists that I saw over the years. It didn't work and only gave me more pain to cover up and run from. I got worse as I got more medakdeik in mitzvos and more active in kiruv (of others).

Who knew there was another, simple option? It all seemed so complex.

When I began accepting the attitudes in "AA": I got sober, my life began to mend and my connection with Hashem became much more relevant and real to me. My yiddishkeit then slowly began to get repaired, and with it, my relations with others began to become more fun and bear fruit. Though I am no tzaddik, the way I learn and keep mitzvos connects me to the Torah that I always knew, better than ever before. Something was missing before sobriety, while I was still engaging in fantasy and sex-with-self (M*). True Bechirah has been increasing in my life, ever since.

So, even though I agree that religious considerations brought the overwhelming majority of us here to GYE, I prefer to believe that some of us know in our hearts that we cannot dress our struggle in the chaluka d'rabonnon forever. Something is destroying our lives, and we can't seem to dislodge it.

One day I finally admitted to myself that even were I to c"v give in to all my desires completely - I still would not find freedom. It would only destroy. It was all taking, no giving, and it left no room for anyone else's life in mine. I came to see that the lust I had would make living any kind of happy life completely impossible. No more could I lie to myself that "I was a failure only as a Jew - but would be fine as a goy". First of all, I could not "be" a goy, and second, I'd destroy my life as a goy, too! I have met many yidden who harbored deep resentment to yiddishkeit over "trapping" them in this bind "cuz what I want to do is ossur, damn it"! They may not speak this out, but the finger-pointing and the pain is secretly there. Is this what Hashem wants?

What a relief when they discover that their problem was never yiddishkeit, at all! It was always and only: themselves! Hashem is "off the hook!"

You may disagree completely - but that's how I see it. Not everybody fits this picture, to be sure. But to those who see they fail on a fairly regular basis, break resolution after resolution, and progressively get worse in their dirty mishega'as over time, I suggest to consider that they may be addicts. And if one is an addict, I suggest considering the 12 steps.

And I couldn't do it myself - not enough honesty that way, I guess.

769.

Sunday ~ 18 Iyar, 5770 ~ May 2, 2010
Lag Ba'Omer

In Today's Issue

Lag Ba'Omer: The Final Moments of Rabbi Shimon's Life
Personal Victory of the Day: The Smallest Opening

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Lag Ba'Omer

The Final Moments of Rabbi Shimon's Life

On the day that Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai passed away, he revealed many great secrets of the Torah which had been hidden in his heart until this day. The secrets he revealed can be found in the "Idra Zuta" in Parshas Ha'azinu. The Idra Zuta discusses the parallels between the human body and the corresponding spiritual worlds. It starts out with the head and moves downwards, discussing the many different limbs of the body - and how they parallel the upper worlds.

In the final moments of Rabbi Shimon's life, he talks about the Yesod - the highest of the high, and how the connection between the male and female body is parallel to the Kohen Gadol going into the Kodesh Hakadoshim once a year.

Here is a rough translation of Rabbi Shimon's final words on this world:

"And all the desire of the male towards the female is here (in the Yesod), and it is called "blessing", because from there goes out blessing to all the worlds, and they are all blessed. This place is called "Kodesh", and all the holiness of the male goes into there, into that level called "Tzion", which is then called "Kodesh Hakodashim".

And all the 'chasadim' (kindnesses) are drawn down from the upper head of the male, from the side of the upper wisdom, and all that blessing travels through all the limbs of the body until the place called "Tziva'os" (parallel to the eggs of the male), and all the 'chasadim' gather there, and therefore they are called "Tziva'os", for all the Neshamos above and below come from there. And those 'chasadim', after they gather there, empty out into the Yesod, all white - therefore it is called chesed, and this chesed (the semen) goes into the Kodesh Hakadoshim, as it says "for there Hashem commanded the blessing and life forever"...

Says Rebbe Abba: The holy flame (Rabbi Shimon) did not finish to say the word "life" and his words became silent. And I wrote, thinking to write more, and I did not hear. And I didn't pick up my head, for the light was very great and we could not gaze. And we shook as we heard a Bas-Kol say "Orech Yomim U'shnos Chaim etc..."

And that whole day, a fire surrounded the house and no one could come close to Rabbi Shimon, for the light and fire surrounded him the whole day. And we fell on the ground and cried.

After the fire had left, we saw that the holy flame, the Kodesh Hakadoshim (Rabbi Shimon) had passed from this world. He was wrapped in a Tallis, lying on his right side, and his face was smiling...

How does this relate to our struggle?

Rabbi Shimon reserved the deepest and holiest of all secrets for the very end... And what were those secrets? The parallel between the intercourse of man and woman to the highest of the high, to the Kohen Gadol going into the Kodesh Hakadoshim on Yom Kippur!

There is nothing in the world that can bring us higher than the Yesod. What we experience on this world is but a shadow of a reflection of the holy parallels in the upper worlds.

By being Mekadesh our Yesod, we can reach the highest levels of Kedusha - like the Kohen Gadol on Yom Kippur entering the Kodesh Hakodoshim!

May the zechus of the holy flame, Rabbi Shimon, be a Meilitz Yosher for all of us, to help us be Mekadesh ourselves above and below, particularly on this day of Lag Ba'Omer where the Idra Zuta says: "Many Prosecuting (Angels) are silenced on this day in your (Rabbi Shimon's) merit".

The real meaning of Yesod is "connection". As we prepare to enter the week of Yesod (beginning Tuesday night), may we all be zoche to achieve true kedusha and "connection" with Hashem.

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Personal Victory of the Day

The Smallest Opening

Posted by "Eye.nonymous" on the forum

I've had this gnawing feeling for a few days now.

I remembered a non-Jewish acquaintance of the opposite gender from the distant past... Barely an acquaintance.

I started having all these thoughts, justifying a simple little E-mail.

I'll just mention the one thought I had that out-does them all: "If you've got such a strong feeling for this, maybe she's in serious danger! Maybe she's on the verge of suicide! A frum yid with a Torah perspective is exactly what she needs right now! I've got a Divine imperative to find out how she's doing. Maybe you're the only one in the world right now that can save her life!"

I even started writing a little E-mail.

As I wrote, I realized there was nothing I could write that didn't make me feel stupid for writing it.

Then, I was thinking, "I'm trying to hide this from my wife - it CAN'T be the right thing to do!" LISTEN TO YOURSELF!

And, "What's the point? What the heck am I expecting to accomplish with this?"

And, "If it's such a mitzvah to reach out to old acquaintances, aren't there plenty of male acquaintances to track down? How come I never think of writing to them? This must really be LUST!"

And, "Isn't it really weird if a married religious man is hunting down a shiksa? Won't even SHE think it's weird?!"

And, "Can I face my wife if I go through with this?" It's not innocent.

Please Hashem, save me from this lust.

Later "Eye.nonymous" writes:

I was thinking about this girl. WHY do I want to contact her? There's no chance it would lead to anything anyway, good OR bad!

Then, I was thinking. Hashem tells us to do Teshuva and to make an opening the size of a needle and He'll make it as big as a palace entrance. I think the Yeitzer hara works the same way.

ANY opening will do!

So the one that looks the most absurd and the most innocent - THAT'S an opening we'll willingly make. It looks so innocent that we'll even think G-d himself is rooting for us!

And, once we've made an opening, NO MATTER WHAT IT IS, it may be just a matter of time before the yeitzer has us doing what we once thought was unthinkable.

But it starts with something that WE DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY WE WANT TO DO IT, AND WE CAN'T EVEN FIGURE OUT WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT!

Without thinking, we would say, "doesn't seem so bad, might as well." But the truth is, there's no logic to it, and it ISN'T SO INNOCENT.

It's a tiny opening, an eye of a needle, for the yeitzer. SO BEWARE.

And what's greater, doing aveiras or doing Teshuva?

So by the same token, the tiniest opening for Teshuva, NO MATTER HOW SMALL AND NO MATTER HOW SEEMINGLY ABSURD AND USELESS, is an opening nonetheless. It just may be a matter of time before we notice a difference, but every little bit of Teshuvah surely makes a big difference!

770.

Monday ~ 19 Iyar, 5770 ~ May 3, 2010

In Today's Issue

Announcement 1: Forum down temporarily
Announcement 1: Zeva's Group + Testionial
Attitude Tip of the Day: Be your own fan!
Torah Quote of the Day: Molten G-ds
Testimonial of the Day: My wife's change of heart
Daily Dose of Dov: Even the most horrible rotten stuff ever!

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Announcement 1

Forum Down Temporarily

We apologize that our forum is currently down due to a virus. We are cleaning it out, and while it's down we are also upgrading the forum to a newer and better version of SMF 2.0 with many new features. We thank you for your patience and we hope that the forum will be back up and running shortly.

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Announcement 2

Zeva's Group + Testimonial

Zeva's phone conference is beginning a new cycle shortly. For more information, see this page. Sign up today for real clinical treatment!

Yehudah F, a big Talmid Chacham from a renowned family, sent a testimonial recently about Zeva's phone group:

"I would like to share with those that may be suffering from some form of sexual addiction. One of the main difficulties in dealing with this issue is the problem of not having with whom to share this private information.

Being part of Zeva's group once a week, has opened up a window of opportunity which would have not been possible otherwise. The chance to be able to share with other men who are struggling with the same issue has been a source of relief for me. In addition, by having a professional like Zeva who has exerted her efforts into sexual addiction with extreme professionalism, patience and broad knowledge of human nature, had made this group into a real learning experience.

Many skills are taught by Zeva, based on the teachings of Patrick Carnes, along with DBT skills which have taught me such important skills in regards to having better relationships with people.

I implore those who may be struggling to take this opportunity and maybe you can also find some relief. The benefits can be big. Zeva charges a nominal fee of $20 per time (commitment of 10 weeks)."

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Attitude Tip of the Day

Be your own fan!

"TrueRatzon" posted on the forum recently:

The fear of falling in the future often inhibits us from trying our best. But it occurred to me that the only reason I might fall is if I allow myself to fall. Nobody else will cause me to fall, nobody else can prove my inner desires futile, except for me.

So I feel that everyday I need to strongly remind myself that it's all up to me. I need to do an action every single day that will maintain my resolve to fight and keep growing every day because it's been eight years of fighting, and ever since joining GYE, this year has been my most successful fighting year. So I hope I can convince myself to always want to keep being clean and take it one day at a time.

Another point of chizuk is that I am a big baseball fan and I enjoy listening to WFAN sports radio 66. On the station recently, they constantly talk about how the Mets can improve and turn around their season. I thought to myself, just listen to the passion of these people on the radio to want to see their team win and keep improving. If only I could be my own fan and inject myself with good advice and motivation on a daily basis - and want myself to win, just as these fans want their team to win so dearly.

My plan is to post on this forum everyday and try to maintain my personal chizuk and give chizuk to others as well.

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Torah Quote of the Day

Molten G-d's

Zohar, Vayikra, 84A

"We have learned that it is forbidden for a man to gaze at the beauty of a woman lest evil thoughts be provoked in him and he be incited to something worse. When Rabbi Shimon had to walk through the town, followed by his companions, when he came to a place where beautiful women were apt to be found, he would lower his eyes and say to them, 'Do not stray (after their gods!)' For whoever gazes at the beauty of a woman by day will have sinful thoughts at night. And if these thoughts overcome him, he transgresses the commandment, 'You shall not make for yourselves molten gods.'

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Testimonial of the Day

My Wife's Change of Heart

By "Yidster"

I would to give a big thank you to GYE. Last week my wife saw the delete history box open on the computer and she asked me if I have been watching stuff again and I told her point blank about my addiction (P..n) and that it has been going on for years.... She was shocked beyond words. She could not understand how someone like me could be watching this stuff, "I am supposed to be good... everyone knows that"... bla bla bla... And of course, I did not blame her for being mad at me, I tried to explain that I tried stopping many times and that I have been going to SA meetings and that there are other nice frum people who suffer from this....

Well, she did not talk to me for three days. I told her about the GYE website and she went to check it out and she saw my account was logged in so she checked out everything that I posted.... She then told me that she would do whatever she can to help me. When I asked her "what happened? Why the change of heart?", she told me that she read my posts and she now sees where I am coming from. She saw me pouring my heart out for help and she saw that I was sincere and really wanted to change...

This past week we have been extremely close. I am going for 90 meetings in 90 days, and she went to two S-anon (support group for wives) meetings this week. B"H I see a much brighter future coming.

Had I not found GYE and posted my feelings, I don't know if my wife would have believed me or trusted me.

Chevra, keep strong - and as they say in SA, "IT WORKS IF YOU WORK IT". Don't just count the days but work the program (what ever program you feel is working for you) each day, one day at a time.

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

Even the most horrible rotten stuff ever!

In the very depths of our losing and weakness, Hashem still sees us with love - otherwise, how do any of us ever get His help to get clean? True, some out there fear to say this stuff because to them, admitting this fact sounds like it's really OK to do horrible aveiros. Nothing could be farther from the truth. But nobody would ever get the help to do teshuva if Hashem really hated us for doing rotten stuff. And that has to include even the most horrible rotten stuff ever, or it includes nothing at all.

That's why so many of us shrink from taking that actual step into recovery (or teshuva, if you want to see it that way). We say in our hearts, "yeah, yeah, Hashem forgives and treats sinners nicely - but I'm different." or "...not the stuff that I did because I'm a talmid chochom and should have known better, so it's worse!", or "If they saw what I did, they'd never say He still wants me..." And other lies.

He desires us and loves us even while we stomp on His Will, on our families, and on ourselves. And He helps us get right, if we only let Him.

771.

Tuesday ~ 20 Iyar, 5770 ~ May 4, 2010

In Today's Issue

Announcement 1: Our forum will be back up soon, be"H!
Announcement 2: Zeva's Group + Another Great Testimonial
Quote of the Day: Feeling Alone?
Battle Communication: How to Avoid Freefall
Practical Tips of the Day: Humbling Yourself
Daily Dose of Dov: How will she ever trust me again?

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Announcement 1

Our forum will be back up soon, Be"H, new and improved!

Our forum has been down for almost two days due to a virus, which had to be cleaned out - as well as an upgrade. There were various issues that kept cropping up, but thankfully they were all resolved. We are hopeful that the forum will be back up and running tonight at approximately midnight (EST), in honor of the start of the week of YESOD!

We apologize for the downtime.

If you are experiencing withdrawal, you are probably addicted to GYE and may need to join a GA group (Guardyoureyes Anon :-)

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Announcement 2

Zeva's Group + Another Great Testimonial

Zeva's phone conference is beginning a new cycle shortly. For more information, see this page. Sign up today for real clinical treatment!

Ari F. is a big Talmid Chacham from a very prestigious and large family. He started on Zeva's call last year Sukkos time. Besides for being a sex addict, he was also in debt due to his womanizing behaviors, and a very bad alcoholic and a smoker. He spoke about getting "smashed" on Shabbos especially in shul. When he first came on the calls, he boasted in shares how he literally had fist fights with other congregants and saw it as their problem.

In the group, he took a 180 degree change. He stopped the drinking and even the smoking. His relationship with his wife got better, and he stopped his internet addiction and sexual thinking. As the sex addiction went down, his finances improved as well. Here is what Ari wrote recently to us:

"Dear GuardYourEyes,

Before I found your site, I was really struggling with sexual addiction in the form of sexualizing women. Every woman I came into contact with was not a human being in my mind, but a sex object. As I was talking to them, I was imagining being with them in my mind. It was out of control and I was very ashamed to be this way. Hashem heard my prayers and directed me by "chance" to your site. I contacted Elya who told me to come on to a Tuesday night meeting with Zeva. This, I have to tell you, was my biggest blessing ever. I immediately got hooked by being involved in the meeting. Zeva is an expert in a therapy called DBT. By following her, I actually got in touch with the debts of my personality and I was able to not only purge myself of this sexual addiction, but as we progressed, I learned that the reason for the addiction was because of many other glitches in my personality which I picked up just going through life, from early childhood. It was so therapeutic for me to get in touch with my inner child and make amends with things that were bothering me subconsciously. I tried the 12 steps but never really connected with it for some reason. For me, this DBT meeting with Zeva was almost like being born again. I really would encourage everyone with this addiction to give it a try."

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Quote of the Day

Feeling Alone?

By "Yosef Hatzadik"

If you are feeling "alone"...

and you don't notice the one that is with you in alone...

... then try to remember that the letters of alone also spell a-loan

Your soul is only yours on loan

One day, you will yet have to return the loan.

And if it is an interest bearing loan...

Remember how the Torah compares interest to a snake bite...

From a bite all the way down at the ankle, the venom enters & begins to spread, carried by the bloodstream throughout the victim's body.

Just a 'little' bit of internet venom will spread quickly & infect the body & soul.

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Battle Communication

How to Avoid Freefall

By "Commando"

Sometimes a fall can lead to freefall. Freefall is worse than falling. It's falling fast, out of control. Like falling 3 nights in a row after a long upwards climb.

Every fighter needs to learn how to fall. Over the years I learned how to prevent a freefall, and here are my tips. Obviously what works for me may not work for you, so make sure never to fall in the first place!

1) After a fall, it's very natural to be super emotional, either sad, depressed, or angry. With all those emotions (and changed brain chemicals resulting from the fall), that's the worse time to think about your fall or what caused your fall. Just chill out and try to get through your day without self-criticism. In a few days you can analyze the fall, be self-critical, and make any additional changes/safeguards in your life. But not now. For the same reason, don't have any critical discussions with a friend/spouse/date, or make any important life decisions. After one or two nights of good sleep you'll be back to your usual self.

2) If you're feeling remorse, spend a little time on heartfelt Teshuva. And Mikva and the Tikkun Haklali, if you do that. But don't spend the whole day on Teshuva, it will drag you down emotionally even more than you already are. You'll have time for complete Teshuva another day.

3) Because you just fell, you're at your most vulnerable stage. The Yetzer Horah will try to make you fall again immediately, convincing you that your fight is hopeless, or to "get in one last cookie before the diet starts again". Tell him that you'll listen to him tomorrow, but not today. (When tomorrow arrives, you'll be feeling better and stronger. And even if you do fall tomorrow, it's still 100 times better than falling today). The Gemorah says, "If I ate Garlic and have a bad smell, should I eat more Garlic and smell for longer?".

4) Congratulate yourself on your past successes. And learning how to fall may be as valuable a skill as learning not to fall, so today you're also making progress.

5) If you're in freefall already, remember that Hashem is always with you, even in your sins. And don't forget to open your parachute!

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Practical Tips of the Day

Humbling Yourself

By "DovInIsrael"

When I am in the midst of a battle, I need simple stuff to humble me and put me back on-track. Try cleaning your toilet (really), or if you're outside, pick up some garbage off the street.

If your Yetzer Hara does not have a strong grip on you (yet), try changing your thoughts. The mind can only think of one thing at a time... Keep a "happy" image in your mind and switch images.

If you are getting irritated by your kids, let them know you are getting irritated and if they don't stop IT - the funny man with triangle ears will come out and chase them around the house - and turn them into frogs if he catches them (and then squat down and hold onto your ears with elbows sticking out - and chase the kids around the house... making loud funny noises)... It breaks the tension - and lets everyone know you are really CRAZY!!!

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

How will she ever trust me again?

We often hear wives ask their addict husbands, "how will I ever trust you again?" and the answer is really that the trust may never come, but if it does, it will be her own choice and not because her husband convinced her to trust him. He knows that game of sympathy and proving his 'good-ness' is over. It was all quiet manipulation.

Now the choice of trust will not come from her 'getting the feel' that he is finally a kadosh; nor from seeing that he has become less demanding in the bedroom, nor because he finally really seems to be so careful in avoiding triggers. No way. All that will always fail as a barometer. I know in my heart that I am not ever to be trusted with my own attractions - I am ever more sensitive to lust, not less. This is not guilt nor a madreiga, nor a screwed up shittah: it's just what I experience. Thinking that I am 'stronger' is the single mistake that I have seen guys make that ruins everything - usually leading to greater pain than ever. Because they are not stronger, and they need not aspire to be.

Rather, the trust comes (if she chooses to trust him) from seeing her husband being a reliable father, husband, and worker. He's generally where he says he'll be when he says he'll be there, tells the truth about everything even though it neither makes him look like a tzaddik nor a rasha, and is generally healthy in every department of life other than his addiction. That's the only way.

Having all sorts of fences against lust will never prove a thing at all to anyone - even to the addict himself/herself - because the adage "ein apotropos l'arayos" is talking about normal people! For an addict it's just a silly understatement, and to me it seems the reason is this: For me, an addict, it's not about arayos. At least, not once we are addicted... It's about our survival. When lust enters, I think the addict acts out because of the survival instinct, nothing less. He or she is just doing what their whole heart and mind deems absolutely necessary to survive. And survival trumps everything, and should! Many normals would not think twice about betraying our spouses or neglecting our kids to save our very lives right now. It's not a simple moral choice and shouldn't be looked at that way, in my opinion. That's why most normal thinking is useless to me in addiction (and perhaps even more useless for perverts very early-on in their recovery). And that's why healthy thinking, heartfelt advice, encouragement, mussar and ruchniyus will not work for most addicts I know, in the end. They will fall - to survival. Who wouldn't? Telling them that lust won't help them survive is just plain gibberrish, and in their guts they "know" that! (Ever try arguing with a gut?)

That's how I see it. That's why generally only addicts can help addicts. It's not about sympathy, but about empathy. And with it comes a more realistic view of the absence of trust when it comes to the addiction itself (i.e. not trusting ourselves with lust).

I do not fear to go into a subway, but I'd rather not go. A recovering aklie should probably not fear going into a bar, either. It's never about deciding whether I can trust myself in there yet, but about surrendering and letting G-d take care of me now, wherever I am. If I go into a dangerous situation because I want to, that proves I am not surrendering, period! It's all over, whether I act out now or not. The self-serving will get me in the end, guaranteed, and I'll act out soon.

If you're in a difficult situation, it's Hashem who put you there. It's not your doing. So just let go and let Him care for you.

772.

Wednesday ~ 21 Iyar, 5770 ~ May 5, 2010

In Today's Issue

Announcement: The forum is back - new and improved!
Battle Communication: "I refuse to let myself drown"
Personal Victory of the Day: The rewiring is REAL
Therapy Tip of the Day: Exposure Response Prevention (ERP)
Daily Dose of Dov: Wives don't generally understand - and that's good.

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Announcement

In honor of the week of Yesod...

Our Forum

is back up, new and improved!

As you may or may not know, our site has been amongst the hundreds and thousands of sites that got targeted by a virus that was circulating internet forums and Wordpress blogs last week. We thank you all for your patience during the past few days when the forum was offline while we dealt with the issue.

Needing to replace all the files anyway, we took this opportunity to update the site with the latest software, SMF 2.0 RC2, and we hope you enjoy the new look and feel!

To get the forum back up and running with minimum downtime, we decided to temporarily host it on a secondary server. In the meantime though, we continue to do work on our own server, and when things are completely sorted out over there, we'll move the forum over to guardyoureyes.

We hope the forum will soon have a new address www.guardyoureyes.org/forum

The Hebrew forum is currently at www.guardyoureyes.org/forumheb

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Battle Communication

"I refuse to let myself drown"

Posted by "Rage" on the forum

While the GYE forum was down this week, I was talking to my GYE friends off-site and I was telling them that I felt it was time for me to go... The repeated falls were making me believe it's hopeless... But certain events have transpired which gave me reason to believe the famous words that "efshar, efshar, efshar letakain".... I refuse to let myself drown, so I am here...

I realized that I was getting seriously depressed after each fall and that the depression and despair that came out of that was defeating me even more than the lust itself. What I needed was some victories... I needed some wins to get the winning streak going... So I've accepted upon myself that no matter what, no matter who, no matter when, I will not look at porn... Porn is my red-line... Even if I act out, it cannot be with external stimulation... My hope is to make progress against lust... And hopefully in a few days or weeks I can up my red-line to no acting out at all... For me, this wasn't an easy thing for me to accept... On one hand, this seems to violate the rule that we are allergic to lust and cannot have any of it.... It violates the principle that half measures avail us nothing... But I think the key that I am focusing on is taking progressive victories over lust, and making each day better than the last - so that the momentum is going in the right direction....

Meanwhile, I will work the 12 steps... A guy from my group gave me a book that is sort of interactive, called "Working the Steps"... I will start working them as I plow ahead, so that I can be in a place real soon where I can see some sobriety that lasts...

Another thought... I realized that for me, getting going in the right direction was only possible through having a support group around me. When I first landed on this forum, I was surrounded by so much support that I was able to catapult into sobriety for over 100 days... But when these old timers slowly left the forum, I lost my support and had a hard time staying sober... Then I started going to SA meetings and the support of the good REAL folks there... man, those guys are REAL... they helped me stay sober. But on days when there were no meetings, I had no support and I couldn't get by... So the most important thing that someone starting up can do, is to get support... Whether it's through making connections here on the forum or getting a good sponsor or going to meetings, you MUST get support early... In that vain, I've taken some phone numbers of people here on the forum and from my SA group, to reach out to and chat with when things are good and when thing are rough...

Viva La Revolucion!!

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Personal Victory of the Day

The rewiring is REAL

Posted by "Briut" on the forum

Welcome back everyone. Thanks to Guard & his platoon for the restoration of the forum.

I want to share two events from when the site was down.

The first event: a dream where I was watching a movie, late at night. And in the dream, my hand started to slip down. And while still dreaming, I actually told myself, "NO! You'll mess up all the rewiring taking place. Pull away; walk around for 15 minutes and see." At which point I woke up! AND, I realized I'd pulled my hand back in real life, too. LESSON: THIS REWIRING IS HITTING MY DREAM STATE, NOT JUST REAL LIFE. Whoa.

The second case was scarier. In real life, I innocently found myself face-to-face with my biggest (lust) fantasy of my life. (I won't even describe it.) Decades in my imagination - and about to happen, I'm convinced. But I won't know, because I BACKED OFF. I THOUGHT TO MYSELF, "THIS MUST BE THE YETZER HARA PULLING OUT ALL THE STOPS. THE TIMING IS JUST TOO WEIRD. BUT I KNOW HASHEM WANTS SOMETHING DIFFERENT. IT'LL BE BETTER. NOTHING GOOD WILL COME OF THIS." And I backed away.

So, last week I avoided some inappropriate web pages. This week I avoided acting out in dreams, too. Monday, I said no to a real person. I'm on GYE 4 months, and I'm starting to see that the rewiring in my mind is REAL.

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Therapy Tip of the Day

Exposure Response Prevention (ERP)

adopted for Pornography Addiction

By "Feedtherightwolf"

When I first realized that I had pornography addiction about 3 years ago, I struggled for about a little over a year to overcome it on my own. I was very poor and couldn't afford the treatment, neither was I ready to admit to another human being the nature of my problem.

So I tried to read the free books that I could find in the library, which dealt with other addictions. I picked up a very good book, called "Kill the Craving" and I modified a technique largely taken from this book called Exposure Response Prevention of ERP. This techniques was design to help people with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder , but it worked wonders for me, and was very useful in getting over the first 30 days.

I do not claim this "system" to be the solution. It will not substitute 12 step and other healthy changes in the lifestyle, nevertheless I believe (and I could be wrong) it can be very beneficial for people in early recovery.

I've made a video in which I tried to outline the basics of this "system" in the most efficient manner I could manage. I wanted to share it here.

I do not know if this will be helpful to anybody, and would appreciate the feedback.

If you think it is helpful, and you think somebody can benefit from it, please feel free to pass it on.

The link to download the video is
http://feedtherightwolf.nfshost.com/video/ERP.mp4

I've also made 2 checklists to go along with this video:
http://feedtherightwolf.nfshost.com/files/Checklist.pdf

(This one is for sample motivational statements)
http://feedtherightwolf.nfshost.com/files/Cards.pdf

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Disclaimer:

The author of the above is not religious. We had someone check though, and the movie is 100% Kosher. However, be warned that for one of the exercises he advises seeing a triggering image or trigger ourselves mentally in order to measure the physical response our body has, and to learn how to appropriately address it. GYE does not condone this. Please "Skip" this exercise. Thank you :-)

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

Wives don't generally understand - and that's good.

My wife doesn't understand how smart it can seem to me to chase lust! And she probably can never, either. That's probably a good thing.

Though acting on lust is probably the very stupidest thing I can ever do in any situation - and makes life's troubles worse, never better, I remember that whenever I have ever wanted to act out it seems like the most important thing for me to do at that moment. I really seem to need it. If I really feel I need it then it must mean that at some level I believe it is in my very best interest, no?

I came to see it this way because of what Rav Noach zt"l taught me, that nobody - even the PLO (his example) - intends to be evil and "do bad stuff". They all have some crazy cheshbon as to why their hearts are swayed to do these horrible acts. I guess that I work that way, too.

This is the power of lust in an addict. And I believe it's good that my wife doesn't truly understand how powerful lust can be in my brain, cuz then she'd realize that even she is totally powerless over it and freak out, I guess.

My wife means well, but she is a human being and we all have the right to protect ourselves from pain. She might react to an understanding of how powerless I am over lust by thinking, "hey, this poor guy may run off with another woman if she's pretty enough...I'd better deck myself out real good, lose some weight, wear the right makeup and get a better shaitel, etc. More than that, I'd better play into his every desire in order to keep him happy at home. I owe it to myself and my kids!"

For a normal person with strong desires this thinking may be right on, and may work just fine! I wish them all the best. Really.

But it does not work for any lust addict I know. (I know this sounds a bit like "the more you feed it the more you need it" concept, but it isn't necessarily the same, but that's another discussion.) A lust addict cannot be satisfied with lust behavior. In lust, he craves a connection that can't be matched by any wife for more than a little while. She simply cannot compete. When she tries, she becomes addicted to her addict. That's called codependency and leads to hell on earth. (Spouses of addicts have S-Anon for this reason and others.) As he grows ever less satisfied, she twists her brains into a knot to keep her power over him and tries harder to please - chasing her own lie that she has the power to keep her man. Being an addict, he does what addicts do, and acts out anyway. She figures it's partially (or maybe totally) her fault, and sees him as the proof of her failure as a woman, wife, and as a Jewess. It leads her to hate him and still be unable to let go of her burden! Not a pretty picture.

In the meantime, his acting out inevitably gets drawn to a higher level by the unhealthy relationship he feels that he 'won' at home. Finding that his wife didn't work for him after all, he feels he must push the boundaries even further either at home or elsewhere just to feel OK. He also begins to doubt that he will ever get satisfaction at home...

At least one Rav (and one shrink indirectly) told me that the solution was more effort on the part of my wife to please me. They did not know what animal they were dealing with...

In recovery, all these lies get exploded slowly (or quickly). Then things slowly get better, and hopefully satisfaction in the right-sized relationship slowly becomes a reality to both parties.

773.

Thursday ~ 22 Iyar, 5770 ~ May 6, 2010

In Today's Issue

Announcement: Our partner system is back up!
Personal Victory of the Day: No Choice but to Fall
Attitude Tip of the Day: Just worry about today!
Daily Dose of Dov: Recovery can't mean just "not acting out"

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Announcement

In honor of the week of Yesod...
Our partner system is back up!
For the last 2 months or so, our "Partner Gabai" was on leave. We apologize to anyone who may have been waiting for a partner and received no response. B"H we found someone new to take over this task.

If you don't have a partner yet, please follow the instructions on this page.

Having a partner to keep in touch with by phone, chat or e-mail, is very important in helping us "get out of isolation" and helps provides accountability and an incentive to stay strong for each others sake.

As the Tzetel Katan of the great Chassidic master, R' Elimelech of Lizentzk states:

One should relate before one's teacher, who instructs him in the way of HaShem, or even before a good friend, all of one's thoughts that are contrary to the Holy Torah that the Yetzer HaRah causes to arise in his mind or heart. [Whether they occur] when he is learning Torah, praying, sitting in his bed, or during the day. And one should not withhold anything because of shame. He will find that by relating these things, he will gain the power to break the strength of the Yetzer HaRah so that it will no longer be able to overcome him other times. This is in addition to the good advice that he will receive from his friend in the ways of Hashem. And this is a wonderful remedy.

We see from the above, that simply relating ones struggles to a friend or mentor has the power to break the strength of the Yetzer Hara.

Aside from the fact that the very act of talking it out already lessens the struggle, the main purpose of a partner is that it introduces the vital element of "accountability" into the equation. As Rav Yochanan Ben Zakai blessed his students, "May your fear of heaven be equal to your fear of man". And his students asked him: "Rebbe, is that all?". And he answered: "Halevai!".

For more on the importance of "Accountability" in this struggle, see tool #9 of the GYE handbook.

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Personal Victory of the Day

No Choice but to Fall

Posted by "Truth 11"

Just wanted to share a quick story. Last night I was coming home on the train, it was pretty late and there were all of these drunks coming home from parties and such, and of course everyone was dressed very immodestly. Out of nowhere, I felt mamash trapped in the good ol' desires. I tried shaking it off as hard as possible, and the harder I tried, the more I was falling... fast. I literally was trying everything I could. I even took a longer path home to free my mind a bit. But as addicts, we all know that once the desire comes, you need to have the right tools to deal with it. Anyways, I was panicking, because it's been about 2 weeks clean now and I really felt that I had been on a roll. I was thinking in my head - "ok, why do I need this to feel better, what is this really going to help me for?" Yet, still these thoughts weren't going away.

Honestly, for the first time in my life, I felt absolutely trapped... It felt as if I had no choice but to fall, zero. Since I recently joined this site, I could only think of one thing to do. Surrender. I closed my eyes, and said, "Hashem, I have absolutely no freedom right now, I hate this and I don't want this at all, get rid of this from me now, because you are the only One that can help me get through this. Please, please don't leave me here, I am trying so hard and I am nothing without you".

To make a short story long, I got out of the subway, my head cleared, and I went to sleep smiling and so happy that Hashem gave me new life. Here I am beginning my 3rd week clean since joining this site, planning to take it one day at a time, progressively trying to surrender myself to Hashem. Thanks for all the great advice.

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Attitude Tip of the Day

Just worry about today!

By "StrugglingYid"

I had been able to stop Mast**ing about 5 years ago. I do not remember when, but I think about a year and a half after stopping, I had a fall. Now here I was on this great streak, and BAM! My first thought was, "how can I face this and keep this up? Will I be able to go another year and a half again? It seems so long just to match my previous best." Then I realized that I don't really care that much for such thoughts. Why do I have to worry about matching my streak? Just worry about today! What will be tomorrow is unknown.

And I'm glad to say, that since then I have not fallen again. Each moment and each day is a Simcha, it is a moment of freedom. Don't get down over the fall, it just ain't worth it; not when today and tomorrow can be so much better.

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

Recovery can't mean just "not acting out"

In the groups we have learned, that professing one has "finally really hit bottom" is silly. The only time it becomes clear to anyone that a person has hit bottom is after they find they have taken real steps at changing the way they live. That is the closest thing to any proof to myself that I am taking my problem seriously. The day I start living life (in every department of my life) exactly as I did before - even without any shred of acting out - will be the day I sign my death certificate. It would mean that recovery for me means "not acting out". That lie was how I never recovered for decades.

The acting out is a symptom of living a sick life inside me and outside me, and I need to change my life, motivation, and behavior, beside the acting out, or else I'm doomed to the same slop. We simply cannot change our clothes while keeping the same exact body. That's why I instinctively slowly changed: including the way I spell my name, my nusach of t'fillah, and other things, to make a new life for myself from now on. Sounds like the Rambam's description of Teshuvah, but I don't care about that Teshuva business - it's not my affair. Whether I did Teshuvah or not is Hashem's business. You see, intentionally doing it for "Teshuvah" would mean that I have succeeded in proving something to myself or others, and that's a lie. I am still on the same exact road as before - nothing has changed. I have not "made it" and I do not consider myself as having done any shred of Teshuva. (How do you do Teshuvah for an illness, anyway?)

774.

Friday ~ 23 Iyar, 5770 ~ May 7, 2010
Erev Shabbos Parshas Be'chukosai

In Today's Issue

Announcement 1: The Forum Has Landed - Baruch Hashem!
Announcement 2: Mishpacha Mentions GYE Again
Parsha Talk - Be'chukosai: Hashem Loves the Small Steps
Attitude Tip of the Day: The Mystery of Missing Things
Daily Dose of Dov 1: It's not a Marriage Problem
Daily Dose of Dov 2: Don't let it build up!

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Announcement 1

On the auspicious day of Tiferes She'bi'Yesod - meaning "The Beauty of Connection"...

The Forum Has Landed - Baruch Hashem!
The GuardYourEyes forum has finally found what we hope will be it's permanent home at www.guardyoureyes.org/forum.

Until now, it was hosted by a friend on http://rehab-my-site.com, and after the recent virus and upgrade, it was transferred temporarily to www.mydumpinggrounds.com. But last night while everybody in America slept, it was locked down and successfully transferred to it's real home at www.guardyoureyes.org.

There is no better description for the GYE forum than "The Beauty of Connection" - which is Tiferes She'bi'Yesod. On the GYE forum, hundreds of Yidden learn through the beauty of connection to build trust with the world, feel accountability, build up their self-esteem and courage, help others, connect with others, and most of all - to get out of isolation!

Welcome Home (to the) Forum!

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Announcement 2

Mishpacha Mentions GYE Again

We received a warm mention in this week's Mishpacha Magazine's Family First.

Click here
to see the comments from a reader.

(If the words appear too small to read in your browser, click on the image to enlarge it)

We were mentioned in Mishpacha 3 months ago as well. Click here to see.

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Parsha Talk: B'chukosai:

Hashem Loves the Small Steps

"V'im beheimah asher yakrivu mimena korban laShem kol asher yitein mimenu laShem yiyeh kodesh _(27:9)

And if an animal which you will bring from it a sacrifice for Hashem, whatever he shall give from it to Hashem will be holy."

If someone who is led by his animalistic desires will decide to come a bit closer to Hashem, every little bit that he will sacrifice for Hashem from his "animal nature" for Hashem's sake is holy!

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Attitude Tip of the Day

The Mystery of Missing Things

When the forum was down, "Commando" continued posting his thoughts on his PC. Once it came back up he shared this with us:

It's been three nights already since the GYE forum has mysteriously vanished. When will it be resurrected? How many people are feeling the loss? It's midnight and my ramblings become weird at this hour. I feel like pondering the mystery of missing things.

Do you know what the first missing thing was in the whole world? The presence of Hashem. Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan in his introduction to Kabbalah "Inner-space" discusses the concept of the Challal Hapanui, the "Vacated Space" which Hashem formed before creating the world. The world at first couldn't be created because Hashem's essence filled the world leaving no room for anything else. So Hashem had to "remove" himself from an area of space before creating the world. This area of empty space was called the Challal Hapanui. Most of this empty space was then filled as Hashem created the world. But parts of this space still remain empty. Rabbi Kaplan explains that a person needs to travel through this empty space when they're moving spiritually from level to level. He says that it's a terrifying experience because it appears that Hashem is not there, and it feels like total abandonment.

I think we can all relate to this, as going from one level to the next in sobriety often is achieved by passing through a dark and empty feeling for a while...

Hashem tells Avrohom as an introduction to the Milah, "walk in front of me and be Tamim". Maybe Hashem was saying that there will be times when His (Hashem's) presence will appear to be missing, and in those situations Avrohom should "walk in front of Hashem" with Temimus (like when you're walking in front of someone and you can't see them behind you), even though those are the most difficult times to be shomer the bris.

"StrugglingAndStrivingBT" responds:

I read a similar inspirational bit today by Rabbi Dr. Avraham Twerski. It's an old Baal Shem Tov parable:

When a father teaches his son to walk, he first helps the kid stand. Then they begin to take steps and the father is very close to the child. As the child masters standing, the father moves back and the child feels further from the father. The child then starts walking towards him, and as he walks, the father steps further away. While it seems to the child that he is so far from the father, he is actually now mastering the means to get to the father, and simultaneously, the means to walk independently.

Those times that you feel that you feel like you're in an empty space, Hashem is there, but He stepped back a bit farther to show you that you can walk, and He's waiting for you to walk to Him. Hopefully someday soon, you can start jogging, and eventually running towards Him.

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

It's Not a Marriage Problem

The first shrink we went to after my wife found out about my acting out (and had decided to divorce me) said to us: "you do not really have a marriage problem here. Well, maybe you do, but overshadowing the entire thing is another problem: Your husband is a very sick man." Boy I didn't like that. But it saved our marriage. And P.S., he didn't believe in the 12 steps at all and told me so when I asked him about them a few months later! I had to find them on my own, after seeing that I was only getting worse and worse under his "care" and finally hit bottom almost a year later.

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Don't let it build up!

Someone wrote on the forum:

Today I was in mid town and I don't know how it is possible to go there! Every woman walking down the street is another nisayon. Seriously, it's almost impossible. Help! Thank G-d I have glasses, so I can take them off, but seriously, I almost went down today. I made it out alive and breathing but sheesh, I'm exhausted.

Dov Replies:

There is a fine line between failing at watching your eyes vs. running after it. If I do what I consider "poorly" one day in the GYE category, I can make calls to admit that, regain at least some humility and sanity, and let the garbage slide off my back so that it does not build up, c"v.

If I don't do that, then the only alternative is for me to hold onto it and guard the memories! Letting it go is much smarter.

On a side note, as an addict, I personally don't like to use the word "nisayon" (test) when it comes to lust. When I find myself in a tough situation, I simply recognize that Hashem obviously wanted me there, and I try to surrender and let Hashem take care of me now, wherever I happen to be.

Yes, through the steps and especially when He helps me out with lust, my relationship with Hashem grows, no question. But to me, the term 'nisayon' implies that I somehow get better or stronger with respect to lust after "passing" it. That may be true in a respect - I get a chunk more of freedom from the bondage of lust, it seems. I give it less time of day. But my power over lust - that is, my ability to successfully control and use it the way normal people do - that gets weaker, it seems. What I could get away with a year ago, I cannot even come near to, today. The honesty has grown, and with it grows my inability to tolerate my inner liar or playing with fire.

775.

Sunday ~ 25 Iyar, 5770 ~ May 9, 2010

In Today's Issue

Prevention: The Real "Prevention"
Quote of the Day: Your Train
Battle Communication: There's No Happiness Where the Yetzer Hara is
Daily Dose of Dov: "We need to reach out from where we really are"

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Prevention

The Real "Prevention"

By "Kutan"

Encouraging people to put in filters and warning them of the dangers of the internet is good, but these are just "patches". The real prevention is something else entirely. After all, even with filters, our kids (and ourselves) can still buy an unlimited internet access cell-phone for just $40 per month (in NY anyway). And the rates keep coming down.

We can access the raw web in a gazillion places through more and more devices (GPS systems, even!) and its just going to get worse.

The key to REAL prevention is:

1) Working on Middos. That's what 12-Steps do too. They don't have pep talks lambasting lust or alcohol etc. Instead, the 12-Steps help you develop the right attitudes to living life with Hashem.

2) Working on parenting. In my generation, the kids grew up mostly like weeds. Which parents spent time talking to their kids? But today, it is imperative that parents speak daily to their kids, be part of their lives, ask how their day went, etc.

Resources like R' Brezak's parenting line (Project Kavey... weekly recorded information) and Dina Freidman's 1 year parenting course (by phone) - are essential! (Dina Friedman currently has about 800 mothers per year. My wife is taking it now and it is really beneficial.)

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Quote of the Day

Your Train

By "Tried123"

Ever been on a train riding directly parallel to another train?

If your train is going 98mph and the other train is going slightly faster, at 99mph...

In relation to the other train, it will seem as though your train is actually going backwards.

Lesson: Never judge yourself based on the progress of others.

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Battle Communication

There's no Happiness Where the Yetzer Hara is

By "Jack" (Clean for 1.5 years. See his 90 day time-line here)

"Ain simcha b'makom sheyetzer hara sholet - there is no happiness in the place that the Yetzer Hara reigns". This is brought by the Kitzur Shulchan Aruch in the halachos of sheva brachos, as a reason for men to sit separate from women.

I am telling you, I feel so empowered by being clean, it's like doing Chigung (Chinese energy creating exercises). And when I get weak and look at a newspaper, or if I don't guard my eyes properly in the streets, I literally feel like I have no strength.

It says by milchemes amalek - 'kaasher yorim moshe es yadav, vigavor yisroel, vi'chaasher yoniach, vigavor amalek'. If we lift up our eyes to the holy ideals in the Torah, we will come out ahead. And if we succumb, chas v'shalom, we will pay dearly, r"l.

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

"We need to reach out from where we really are"

The Gr"a asks: If we were not "good" in eretz yisroel with a beis hamikdash and with nevi'im, then how in the world are we to ever get better out of eretz yisroel andwithoutany neviim?! A good question, no?

His answer is that there is just no other way to get better when we screw up (my phrase), except by attaching ourselves to a higher level or deeper relationship with Hashem than we had before we went wrong. And the only way to do that is by reaching out of where we really are, spiritually. Staying in Eretz Yisrael with a Beis haMikdosh and nevi'im, would only make us think we are higher than we really are, and that we need Hashem less than we really do!

In the very same way, Adam needed to get sent out of Gan Eden - he was lower and had to reach for Hashem from there. Reality is what we need! There ain't no easy way out, as the song goes. We need to be made to face ourselves, somehow, eventually. At least, that's how I understand his answer. And that's how I understand the 1st step experience, too.

We are a mess. We are basically blind, and have puny brains - a shadow of the real Da'as that is His/Him. Lust overtakes us, as do our fears, pride, and resentments. No blame there - it's just the way it is for many of us. We rarely see farther than our own wishes and 'rights' and even the perspective of another human usually eludes us, let alone that of the Divine. We rarely even care, really... that's what it means to be the average human being. Nu. And He loves us.

I think many of us (me especially) need hachno'oh (a broken heart/broken ga'avoh) more than anything else, for recovery. And through sobriety and recovery with hachno'oh, our relationships with our G-d and with fellow man (and spouses) will become right-sized. Then they will actually begin to work for us. The emunah will begin to actually function the way it is meant to, and the relationships will actually grow and be fun!

776.

Monday ~ 26 Iyar, 5770 ~ May 10, 2010

In Today's Issue

Announcement: Promotional Offer from Zeva
Torah Thought of the Day: Yesod she'b'Yesod
Testimonial of the Day: Mazal Tov to "JIP" for over 100 days clean!
Daily Dose of Dov: Asking for Help

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Announcement

Promotional Offer from Zeva

Anyone signs up for Zeva's Group now, will receive a 200 day free service, letting them take advantage of cutting edge interactive recovery tools through recovery zone. They will be able to complete a "decision table" and get a free daily recovery schedule tailor made for them individually, that will include 4 components: Morning meditation, Daily PCI, Daily/Monitor, and Daily Dialogs. Using these tools, you can check your recovery as you fill out your scales. It's a great tool to use by yourself and/or share with your sponsor/therapist. The PCI is a Personal 'Craziness' Index; it checks if you are in balance and if your not, it helps you get there.

Last chance for signing up for Zeva's group before it starts!

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Torah Thought of the Day

Yesod She'b'Yesod

Today is Yesod Sh'b'Yesod in the Seffirah. The word Yesod means "Connection". Every human has an inborn subconscious need for connection to something "bigger" than themselves. Often this need is misinterpreted and we try to fill it with money, honor and pleasures. See this cute animated clip from chabad.org.

Those of us who fell into this addiction developed a conterfeit replacement for this need by seeking "connection" in lust. We somehow trained our brains to feel connection with the images on the screen, evisioning connection to imaginary fantasies.

Today, Yesod she'b'Yesod, is the ultimate day of "connection". Today we can learn to replace the false and imaginary attempts at connecting to "nothingness" with the everlasting connection that our souls really seek - Hashem.

Hashem is the true source of all beauty, all pleasure, all good and all light. And the "G-d hole" that we were all born with in the very essence of our souls, can only be filled with the one and only G-d.

Make that connection TODAY!

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Testimonial of the Day

Mazal Tov To "Jew-In-Pain" for over 100 days clean!

"JIP", as he is known for short, has had a very painful life. It started when he was molested at the age of nine. See his painful story on this page. Here is what "JIP" wrote when he reached 90 days clean:

90 days! I owe a thank you to everyone for helping me get here, but the biggest thank you, of course, goes to Rabbi Guard. I don't know of anyone in our generation who has created anything as powerful as Guardyoureyes.I am totally indebted to you.

I wouldn't have managed without the help of my fellow members, who gave me constant chizuk & advice. A special thanks to those who shared their personal experiences & those who were in touch with me offline. They gave their time and concern for a fellow Jew whom they don't know & most likely never will. That's real chesed shel emes. You didn't let me down in my darkest days - and there were many, days when I wished I'd never been born and was contemplating suicide.

When I first joined this site, I felt like a young child. I was overwhelmed by what was going on here and what was going on in my own world. Everything seemed so far away and foreign. After a while I changed my mind-set and started moving; asking questions, getting answers, arguing about this addiction. At first, I rejected the "addiction" label. Eventually I decided, "who cares what it's called; sickness, struggle, addiction or any other sweet name? Either way, it's a blockage in a person's mind, holding him back from himself and from growing closer to Hashem".

I would like to share a few things I learned, which might help others:

1. A strong filter is imperative. There is no way to overcome this with open access to all the dirt on the web.

2. We need a safe group of friends such as on GYE, where one may discuss, vent, ask or share with others who really understand and care.

3. Understand that this addiction is VERY harmful.Get out as soon as possible!

4. Feel yourself at rock bottom, and understand that you can no longer afford to fail. Believe that you can do it!

5. Honestly analyze yourself and realize that this may require outside help such as a therapist, an understanding rabbi, an older friend, etc. In most cases, this behavior stems from some other problem within you that caused this addiction.

Guardyoureyes often mentions that it takes 90 days to break a habit. I am not sure how it works and I really don't care how it works; all I know is that it does. I now have only a very tiny urge to go back to the old bad stuff such as porn and masturbation. I no longer see it as "my problem solver" anymore, and I look back on all the years I was doing it with disgust.

Does it mean that I am never going to fall back? Not necessarily, but at least I now have the will to succeed. I know that in order not to fall, I need to keep my eyes and mind as clean as possible.

I have also learned over these three months that Hashem is in control. Turn to Him whenever you feel down. He doesn't charge, is within reach anytime and anywhere. All it takes are a few simple words from your heart. I cried to Him many times over this period and always felt much better afterward. Picture Hashem standing next to you, watching everything you do. And know that he is proud of you!

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

"Asking for Help"

The first order of business when beginning to work the steps, is to get sober and remain sober by getting reasonably comfortable with the practice of asking for help when lust strikes. Asking for help is good a sign that the addict has finally come to believe that he is actually ill and is, for whatever reason, powerless. That is how we live with the first step. If, on the other hand, I hold onto a lust and do not share it with anyone, that means I am trying to control it by my own power. In that, I'd actually be moving away from G-d. It would mean that I have forgotten my track record and deny my limitations. Actually, that usually means I am hiding the lust - actually protecting it - and will eventually use it. To me, the fruit of "struggling" with lust is: eventually using it. "Struggling with it" proves that I have not yet done the First Step - or forgot it. Nu, we all do that occasionally, but it's not a good idea. Ultimately, I must live with an acceptance of the simple facts of my ill-ness. It is the most important door-opener for Recovery, followed closely by honesty and integrity. I will get nowhere without acceptance. Surrender grows out of it.

Practically speaking, that means making that quick call to my sponsor or to any program buddy and clearly admitting exactly what I am tempted to do at that moment, when lust strikes. If I find that I just can't bring myself to get specific and can only say, "I am having some 'trouble' with lust..." it means I am ashamed of myself. Being ashamed proves to me that I still feel this is about a moral failing of mine, and not an illness. We need to make up our minds about that eventually, otherwise we are not working the Program, but some other nice "Self-Help" regimen. Good luck. The Program that I know is G-d Help, not Self-Help. If you are interested responding to your addiction with the moral-failing/typical teshuvah model, that is certainly your privilege, but then it has nothing whatsoever to do with the 12 Steps.

If we are calling the right person, the fellow on the other end should know that we need neither speeches nor warnings from them. We have all had enough speeches! They do as much good for me in getting sober as "learning more Torah and mussar" does - in other words, not much good at all. All we are expecting from our listener is the help we need to surrender: to surrender to the fact that we are wonderful people but just sick in the head when it comes to lust; that, as addicts, we are simply not able to successfully control and use lust; and that we truly need help from a Higher Power. Often we end up laughing about it together and quickly get on with real life!

777.

Tuesday ~ 27 Iyar, 5770 ~ May 11, 2010

In Today's Issue

We Need Your Feedback: Prevention for Parents
Torah Thought of the Day: The Nisyonos of Each Generation
Q & A of the Day: Why is this harder than quitting smoking?
Daily Dose of Dov: Don't Count Your Days Like Sheep

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We Need Your Feedback

"Prevention For Parents"

A major Jewish U.S. organization asked us recently to prepare a short write-up of advice in the area of "Prevention" that could be used by Rabbanim and Mechanchim throughout America. I put together a preliminary version today. It can be downloaded here. (Right-Click and press "Save Link/Target As").

I'd like to hear feedback from you guys before I send it on to them. Please send your comments to me at eyes.guard@gmail.com. Thank you!

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On another note: I just found out today that GuardYourEyes was mentioned in the Hamodia supplement for Pesach 5770. See this page. To download the entire article - which warns of the dangers of internet addiction and offers practical advice, click here. (Right-Click and press "Save Link/Target As").

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Torah Thought of the Day

The Nisayonos of Each Generation

By "Kedusha"

As we all know, Shemiras Shabbos was THE main Nisayon during the first half of the 20^th Century. The six (or seven) day workweek made keeping Shabbos extremely difficult, and, at the time, there seemed to be no light at the end of the tunnel. Even those who were able to pass the Nisayon must have wondered whether the next generation would be able to hold out.

The five-day workweek changed everything. All of a sudden, keeping Shabbos no longer conflicted with earning a living! Those who had passed the Nisayon of Shabbos now had children who were trained to keep Shabbos, with no great Nisayon to desecrate it. However, those who did not pass the Nisayon of Shabbos when things were difficult (and we're certainly in no position to judge them) wound up with children and grandchildren who, for the most part, are non-observant, even though the Nisayon is gone.

I mentioned this thought to the Rosh Yeshiva, Rav Aharon Feldman Shlita recently, and he pointed out that women covering their hair used to be a tremendous Nisayon as well. What happened that the Nisayon went away? The Ribbono Shel Olam works in amazing ways! When Kennedy was President, the First Lady once wore a wig. All of a sudden, wigs became in style, and the Nisayon was gone!

The same is true with our Nisayon. It seems that there's no way out this time! What will be with our children and grandchildren? But it's not true. Every generation has its own Nisyonos. As the Sar shel Eisav asked Yaakov Avinu: "Lama Zeh Tishal Lishmi" - "Why are you asking my name?" Explains Rav Chaim Dov Keller: The Sar shel Eisav, who represented the yetzer horah, was saying: "You want to know how I operate? There's no set way. It's different in every generation. In one generation the Nisayon will be Shemiras Shabbos or women covering their hair, and in another generation, the Nisayon will be the Internet."

Let's learn a lesson from the generation that was Moser Nefesh for Shemiras Shabbos. Their children had the Nisayon removed from them, even though it seemed impossible. The same is true if we are, b'Ezras Hashem, successful with our Nisayon, whatever it takes to accomplish that. We don't want to be in a position, chas v'Shalom, where our children and grandchildren continue to be Nichshal, even when this Nisayon, b'Ezras Hashem, is taken away (perhaps with the help of GYE :-)!

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Q & A of the Day

Why is this harder than quitting smoking?

Someone writes on the forum:

My name is Yechiel and I just can't believe it has come to this. I pashut can not believe that I have not been able to break this addiction. I quit smoking, I quit poor eating habits, I am extremely successful in everything that I have done or put my mind to doing in both ruchnius and gashmius... Why can't I break free of this addiction? Why can I quit smoking, but not this?

"Briut" responds:

You asked why quitting sexual aveiros is harder than quitting smoking. And I'd say, well, DUH. Hashem did not give us tobacco in order to make it easier to love, to mate, to ensure Jewish continuity. He did not give a special flavor of tobacco (on their eighth day) to the Jewish people to elevate Jews (or cigarettes!) to a higher form of free-will and divine service. And he did not give the Yetzer Hara QUITE as much sovereignty over tobacco's addictive features.

Hence, the physical pain of tobacco withdrawal, which I understand is much stronger than most realize, is not going to compare to the pain that a Jew feels in the body and the neshama. And it won't compare to the fight with the Yetzer Hara that must be fought and won regarding an area where Hashem seems to have given him so much control.

And only the guys on this site realize how deep the battlelines run, how much the battle is worth fighting, and how terrific it is to be part of an online army bringing victories to the entire Jewish people. So grab a uniform, buddy, it's gonna be a bumpy night - but we'll do this together!

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

Don't Count Your Days Like Sheep

Someone wrote on the forum:

Today was a record breaking day for me! My previous longest streak was 26 days and today my new streak became 27 days and counting. All I can say is Baruch Hashem for this site and this forum. Before discovering guardyoureyes.org my clean streaks were consistently one week, maybe 10 days if I was lucky. For years I never had streaks longer than 3 weeks except when I went away to camp for the summer. But now with guardyoureyes.org I feel like a whole and honest person again.

Dov Replies:

Perhaps this is not a chidush to you at all, but please consider paying attention to Today, not tomorrow, and certainly not yesterday. Before you know it, weeks will go by (cuz that's how time is, you know, when you don't watch it all the time), years will go by, and you will look back on a beautiful decade. Eventually, you will be surprised to discover that your entire life was super duper. Let the load of "staying clean" for another week - or even for the rest of today - off of your tired shoulders, will you? Let your success be a total surprise to you! Don't count your days like sheep that you are herding and managing. We can't really run our lives, anyway, so certainly our staying clean needs a lot of siyata dishmaya (help from Him). As the Chofetz Chayim writes about Lashon Hara, we need to pray for His help before the day starts and thank him for keeping us LH-free after the day ends. Asking Him for the help means giving Him the credit. Giving Him the credit for making it happen means taking most of the burden off ourselves! This may not fit exactly into your concept of how the Yetzer Hara works and how Hashem helps us, but I just remember: My methods and thinking till now, got me to this point - a mess. I may need a slightly different approach in order to succeed at being a successful ben Torah. As it turns out, all I need to do is give up the first stupid compulsion I get today, and ask Him for the help to bear that, even if it hurts, till it's over. And sometimes it may hurt horribly. Nu. So we can call each other and commiserate! That is what friends are for!

Two Sayings from Dov:

Anybody else is better than me, for seeing the lies I tell myself.

Humility is more precious to an addict than the knowledge of any Truth.

778.

Wednesday ~ 28 Iyar, 5770 ~ May 12, 2010

In Today's Issue

Announcement: Looking for an Assistant Filter Gabai
Thank You for Your Feedback: "Prevention for Parents"
Attitude Tip of the Day: Your Father is Cheering You On
Battle Communication: Gevald, How Common is This Today?
Daily Dose of Dov: What I Was Looking for in Lust

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Announcement

Looking for an Assistant Filter Gabai

We are looking for an Assistant Filter Gabai to help with saving people's passwords for them, make remote changes (using remote accessing software, such as TeamViewer and ShowMyPC), and offer people filtering advice... If you are interested in being trained into the job, please be in contact with either me at eyes.guard@gmail.com or the filter Gabai at filter.gye@gmail.com.

This is a tremendous chesed for people, and one day (when we have more funds) we plan on expanding this service by offering a 24 hour hot-line for advice and help with filters, both in Israel and the U.S. (Who knows? If you start now, you might one day get a paid job to do this).

To qualify for this volunteer job, we need someone computer savvy, with some knowledge of filters, and with a mobile-device that gets e-mails (so he can respond to urgent requests). Also, you should be married and sober for at least 30 days (preferably 90 days).

Thank you!

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Thank You For Your Feedback!

"Prevention For Parents"

As we wrote yesterday, a major Jewish U.S. organization asked us recently to prepare a short write-up of advice in the area of "Prevention" that could be used by Rabbanim and Mechanchim throughout America. I tried to implement some of the comments I got from your feedback yesterday. The new file is five pages long and better organized.

The new version can be downloaded here.

(Right-Click the link and press "Save Link/Target As". If you get the same version as yesterday, you may need to clear the "cache" of your browser).

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One important addition to the new file is a "cover page" which brings some quotes showing the danger of giving children open internet access. After all, if the parents don't recognize the dangers involved, why should they take the many "Preventive" measures that we suggest?

Another important addition to the new file was sent to us by therapist Dr. Benzion Sorotzkin, who wrote:

Re: prevention advice, In my humble opinion it gives too much emphasis on external control of children and too little on factors that make kids emotionally vulnerable to the pull of porn etc. I am pasting below a few relevant paragraphs on this issue from my website.

Hatzlocho in your important work.

Benzion Sorotzkin, Psy.D.

In light of his comments, we added the following to the file:

The frum clinical psychologist Dr. Sorotzkin points out in an article on his wonderful website, that the problem of porn addiction amongst teenagers doesn't always stem from lack of "external control", but rather from factors that make kids emotionally vulnerable to the pull of porn. And as this superb article on the dangers of the Internet written by Rabbi Leib Kelemen (from Neve Yerushalayim; author of To Kindle a Soul) notes, under the heading of "The necessity of identifying risk factors":

Ultimately, restricting Internet access is a necessary but insufficient solution.... What is needed is healing the personality weaknesses that virtually guarantee some individuals will fall victim to Internet temptations. Studies show that those most likely to get into trouble are not deterred by limits on Internet access... Therefore, a key challenge to parents and educators is identifying the risk factors... Researchers describe four pre-existing conditions that put an individual at high risk for getting into trouble on the Internet. They are lack of family bonds; low self-esteem; inability to express opinions and questions; and inability to socialize. [Emphasis added]

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Attitude Tip of the Day

Your Father is Cheering You On

An addict who is experiencing withdrawal - and issues in other areas of life as well, wrote to us today:

Just sometimes, but more frequently lately, the pain, loneliness and restlessness become overbearing, and it is then that I desire to leave this empty world of "hevel varik", and be next to the kisei hakavod.

Response:

Your desire to be next to the Kisei Hakavod is your soul speaking... It is yearning for Hashem. And that is perhaps the underlying reason that you have this addiction. You are more spiritually sensitive than most people. Your soul has such strong yearnings for Hashem, so it seeks to fill it with whatever is available... But you should know that Hashem has no use for you near the Kisai Hakavod now. If He did, he would bring you there. He is sitting in the stands watching you play the game called "Life" and cheering you on. If He'd pull you out now, He wouldn't have what to really be proud of you, and you'd be ashamed to face Him. Instead, keep playing your best, keep looking to the stands and watching Him wave and smile to you... And when the game is over, He'll come down out of the stands to greet you and give you the biggest, most loving hug you could imagine. And He'll tell you over and over how proud He is of you and say, "wow, what a tough game you played!" And then you'll be shining with joy and fall into His loving embrace forever...

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"7Up" (moderator of the woman's forum) responds:

Hashem's love for you is total, unconditional and never ending. If any'one' wants only what's best for you, its Him.

I have no idea why he tests you the way He does and won't pretend to understand His ways. Whatever the reason though, one thing is for certain, He knows that this is for your eventual good.

Think of your own precious little children. On the most basic level, a child instinctively loves and trusts his parents. This only changes if the parents do something to destroy that. But assuming it is a healthy relationship, the child is willing to trust his life to his parents because he knows how much they love him. Now picture this: one day the mother takes her sweet little son to the doctors office. He isn't sick, but its time for a vaccination. BECAUSE she loves him, she allows the doctor to cause him pain and stick a painful needle into him! She is mature enough to realize that the pain of the needle is necessary, and far outweighs the pain of ch'v the illness itself. Yes it hurts her to see her son cry, and even more so, when he looks up with tear-filled eyes and accusing look on his face, "Mommy, why did you let him do that to me? Why are you hurting me?" But 10 minutes later, when the shot is a fading memory, that same little boy loves his Mommy just as much as he did earlier. Their relationship has been established long before and his doesn't question her love, or even the need to hurt him.

Take this one step further. When the doctor delivers the shot and the little boy starts crying, who's shoulder does he automatically bury his head in?? He doesn't run AWAY from his Mother because she allowed it, he runs TOO her!! He knows she is the ultimate source of comfort no matter what.

Think this through and relate it to your relationship with HKB"H. Your Tatty is hurting so much for you.

Sitting by the kisei hakavod is not an automatic once we leave this world. It's our reward for having trusted our Tatty for 120 years that there is a reason for all the pain and seemingly bad things He sends our way.

In the meantime, run TO HIM for comfort. He gives the most awesome hugs once you've learnt how to recognize them!

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Battle Communication

Gevald, How Common is This Today?

"NoWhereToTurn" posted this shocking post on our forum recently:

Sholom Aleichem warriors,

I am a regular 15 yr old yeshiva bochur in a top yeshiva in somewhere, but have internet at home. Besides for my own problems with watching my eyes and controlling my hotzoas zera that has been with me for years, I noticed something interesting recently. I noticed my father, a heimishe guy, by the computer late at night. My curiosity got the better of me, and when noone was around, I pressed ctrl H to see history, and found out that my porn problem is inherited from him. I also noticed a secret email address that he has, so I put my hacking skills to work, and got the password from a free keylogging program. What I found was heartbreaking - a bunch of heimishe guys from shul are all a bunch of porn addicts forwarding porn around to each other! How is a 15 yr old yesiva bochur from a good home supposed to deal with this - I can't confront him, and I can't let my mother know about this - she'll divorce him! So in addition to dealing with my own shmiras einayim/bris issues, how do I deal with this without destroying my home?

To see many great responses on the forum, please see his thread here.

"Allaloneontop" Responds:

I know I'm new here... but I must express how much it pains me to read this young man's post... I mean that was me 20 years ago!

"Nowheretoturn", let me tell you what I would have told myself... Get help.

Get help now.

Get help before you spiral out of control.

Get help before you get married, have children, have a job and have other people rely on your success.

Get help before you have a rough day at home or at work and call a prostitute because the internet and the lap dances don't do it for you anymore.

Get help before you hit rock bottom and feel all alone.

I'm crying for you... because I know where you will be in 20 years from now if you don't get help... Like me, blogging on GYE in a hotel room alone... trying to get through your first day (night) of sobriety with the TV blaring in the other room.

Don't be embarrassed about it... As you can tell here, it's normal... Get help, young man.

You've come to the right place.

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

What I was Looking for in Lust

At some time in recovery, I admitted that what I was always really looking for in all the lust and schmutz was true acceptance of me (or my body) for the sake of me (irrespective of my goodness or lack thereof), by someone that I really respect/worship. Someone I considered really Powerful. For me, that Someone was mainly: a pretty woman. After all, I had been giving them all my power by fantasizing their adoration of me for years. Isn't that what most of us do in our hearts with the schmutz? So, in short, I worshipped them.

(And I recognize today that in some small way I still feel some of that, even though I have Hashem and really worship Him now. I could ignore that sick part of me and pretend that it's gone - but I know I still have it. Whether or not it is immoral, is totally irrelevant to me, and b"H for that! It's just the Truth about me, and there is no place for shame about the Truth, at all. I'm an addict!)

At first, my Connection could be with someone imaginary, like a cartoon or photo. After a while, that was not enough. This was not a good development. The shekker got ever deeper and I became ever more ill and desperate.

Guys in recovery helped me admit that even if my wife did plug into my fantasies, it wouldn't give me what I really wanted. What I really wanted, she could only give me with Love, not just with sex. And certainly not with lust. Lust always ruined everything (except in my imagination! ). She could get lots of power by using lust, but I'd inexorably be drawn away from her one day anyway, cuz it'd all be about me, not us, at any rate.

When we are just beginning Recovery, a healthy and happy marriage relationship (including sexuality) - to paraphrase Mesillas Yeshorim - is "rochok mitziyur sichleinu". We often can't even believe it really exists! But we slowly grow, change, and become mentchen. Derech Eretz kodmah laTorah! Living right (Derech Eretz) slowly turns our heads right-side up so that we think right (Torah). Life finally begins to make sense and becomes interesting and fun.

It didn't come from thinking and figuring it out. Living right does.

Marriage is the same. Thinking won't fix it, only loving in action will.

Slowly we begin to know that the Connection that we really seek can't ever be fulfilled by lust, even within our marriages. It doesn't come close. Loving comes close, and the relationship works best when it's about loving, only.

The steps - not reading them, but working and living them - showed me for the first time in a way I could really see, that we need to start learning how to enjoy living with Hashem. We need to "give" our power to Him, rather than to our lust objects. It's what b'rachos and tefillah are all about! It's no longer all about us, cuz He really is the Shoresh (root) of everything. Perhaps that's where d'veikus starts.

779.

Thursday ~ 29 Iyar, 5770 ~ May 13, 2010

In Today's Issue

'Siyatta Dishmaya' of the Day: A Message from Father
Torah Thought of the Day: From Barley to Wheat
12-Step Attitude: How much D'veikus do we Really Have?
Thank you for your Feedback: "Prevention for Parents"
Daily Dose of Dov: Self-Pity & Depression are a Cop-Out

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'Siyatta Dishmaya' of the Day

A Message from Father

We received this e-mail today from a member of our e-mails:

I was lying in bed last night, literally weeping, thinking about my father who passed away a little while ago. I began to think maybe I should push off my struggle for a less emotionally trying period. I began to think about slipping. I then opened up yesterday's chizuk emails and read just the title "Father is cheering you on" (#778). I began to cry even more. I then saw the second e-mail on Shemiras Ainayim (#415) which talked about about a Shiva call.

I felt this was a open message to me from Hashem to keep on trucking.

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Torah Thought of the Day

From Barley to Wheat

By Goldy

With the counting of sefiras haomer, we are celebrating the switch from harvesting barley... to harvesting wheat.

Barley is coarse animal food. It represents animalistic traits. Everyone can be an animal with no effort. Eating, lusting, sleeping, etc. are all animalistic traits.

Wheat produces bread, which is food for humans. This represents the traits of a mentch; pushing aside our animalistic desires, and replacing them with seichel and proper middos.

Sefirah is a time where we evolve from our selfish, animalistic selves, into proper, well mannered, functioning, G-d fearing human beings.

Let's use this auspicious time to grow and evolve into who we really are.

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12-Step Attitude

How Much D'veykus do we Really Have?

By Steve (commenting on Duvid Chaim's Phone Conference)

Whatever method or system we've been using on our own up till now, has obviously not worked or we wouldn't be here, dealing with lust and masturbation in our daily lives. SO WE HAVE TO ACCEPT THAT OUR OLD SYSTEM JUST DOESN'T WORK, PERIOD. We need to try something NEW. We need to be WILLING TO MAKE A CHANGE. And the change that is presented in the 12-Steps is to CONSCIOUSLY LET HASHEM INTO OUR DAILY LIVES - TO BECOME AWARE OF HIS PRESENCE AND INVOLVEMENT IN OUR LIVES.

Just by doing this alone, we have made the significant new step toward a solution THAT WORKS!

So someone asked, "We are all religious Jews on this call. What are we missing as frum Jews who daven and do mitzvos? What new awareness of Hashem could there be? Don't we already know about Him?"

Duvid Chaim's answer: Next Shemoneh Esrai, see if your mind wanders in the middle - to work, what you need to do later, etc. If it does, then that's the barometer to show one that we're only an actor on a stage - "acting the part of a religious Jew" without the real feeling, connection and d'veykus Hashem. And the REASON we can not make the connection to Him is because our EGO is blocking it. "Edge G-d Out" is a true acronym for EGO. The more HUMBLE we become, the more we orient our lives to BE OF SERVICE TO OTHERS, and the smaller our EGOs get and the closer we can be to G-d.

Here's a proof I thought of: Who was the ONE person in history who you would say was the CLOSEST to Hashem? Moshe Rabbeinu, who spoke "Peh el Peh" with Him. Now, who was the most HUMBLE person? Same one.

And the more humble and closer to Hashem we are, the less depression and inability to cope with life we will have, and therefore the more content we will be. And with contentment, we gain our freedom from the desire to think illicit thoughts, view porn and act out. We will have a life of true happiness and joy. GUARANTEED!!

Well THAT'S what I want. I want that life of contentment. And BE"H I'm gonna get there. The steps are simple, but not easy. But I'm determined to keep working at them.

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Thank You For Your Feedback!

"Prevention For Parents"

After receiving even more feedback yesterday, we updated the "Prevention for Parents" file yet again.

The newest version can be downloaded here.

(Right-Click the link and press "Save Link/Target As". If you get the same version as yesterday, you may need to clear the "cache" of your browser).

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

Self-Pity & Depression Are a Cop-Out

Someone posted on the forum:

"I just fell. I am such a lowlife."

Dov Responded:

Gevalt. How do you know what you are? You don't even know how to stay clean, and yet you say you understand yourself well enough to determine what you are?! I'm still not exactly sure what I am, but I know what to do to stay sober :-)

OK, ok... on a more serious and sensible level, please consider cutting yourself a break. No, not to screw up even more, of course, but to admit the truth about yourself and see your situation for what it really is. Doing that helps most of us accept what we really need to do about it.

Getting depressed about it? Why do that? It would just be a cop-out! Depression leads to nothing but more acting out. Self-pity is nothing but an excuse, in the end, not a healthy surrender. AA says: "Poor me, poor me, Pour me a drink!" (gotta say it to really make it sound right...)

Rather, let yourself take a step back and look at this addict trying to get well. (You are the one who decided you are an addict, not me.) He's a really nice fellow, and trying as much as the next guy to be a good Yid. You've got a lot of good and you've got some troubles, too. Learn something from your frailty and move on to better things! Use the 12-step fellowships, or whatever tools you think are worth a try - to get better!

It is horrible that we need to fail at kedushas ha'Bris so much, but if I am an addict it needs to get proved to me for me to ever get better. The clearer the truth of my inability to win on my own becomes to me, the better my chances that I'll take a firm hold of Recovery. And that's a gift! So, in a certain respect you are very lucky, (in hindsight...)

We fellows are in a load of trouble. Hearing the "Uh oh!" loud and clear is not bad at all - it's a giant bracha. My wife occasionally reminds me that the day I got sober is a more choshuv date to her than the day we got married. Now, that day was the last day I acted out, too! Acting out made it impossible for me to run away from the truth about myself! And as long as I remember the truth about myself in sobriety, I believe Hashem will keep helping me stay sober.

You are a lucky man.

Better than calling yourself names, every time you feel that little meat-grinder inside calling you some type of orifice, substitute the word "addict".

780.

Friday ~ 1 Sivan, 5770 ~ May 14, 2010
Rosh Chodesh Sivan

In Today's Issue

Torah Thought of the Day: From Refidim to Midbar Sinai
Inspirational Picture of the Day: Up or Down?
Parsha Talk 1 - Bamidbar: Down for the Count
Parsha Talk 2 - Bamidbar: Each Victory is Precious
Rosh Chodesh Thought: How Lucky We Are!
Daily Dose of Dov: Dov's "Decent" Day

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Torah Thought of the Day

From Refidim to Midbar Sinai

"Bayom Hazeh Ba'u Midbar Sinai - on this day, they came to the desert of Sinai". Chazal say (Shabbos 86b) that we arrived at Midbar Sinai on Rosh Chodesh Sivan. TODAY.

The next Pasuk repeats: "Va'yisu Merifidim, Vayavo'u Midbar Sinai - And they traveled from Refidim, and they came to the dessert of Sinai".

This Pasuk reminded me of something we quoted in yesterday's "Daily Dose of Dov". Dov wrote:

"My wife occasionally reminds me that the day I got sober is a more choshuv date to her than the day we got married. Now, that day was the last day I acted out, too! Acting out made it impossible for me to run away from the truth about myself! And as long as I remember the truth about myself in sobriety, I believe Hashem will keep helping me stay sober."

It's interesting to see how Dov ties the two together. It seems that the last time Dov acted out, was the time he finally realized with full clarity how powerless he was. At that point, he irrevocably realized that he can't fool himself anymore. And it was that clarity in "facing the truth about his powerlessness" that rocketed him into 13+ years of recovery (until 120, be"h)!

The Torah ties the two together as well. "Va'yisu Merifidim, Vayavo'u Midbar Sinai". (me'refidim - "from Refidim" can also be understood in the context of "through Refidim"). We need to travel through our weakness/powerlessness" (as the word "Refidim / Rafu" implies), in order to get to Midbar Sinai - that true connection with Hashem. By "traveling" through the journey of our weakness - and recognizing it with honesty, we are able to arrive at Midbar Sinai. Recognition of our powerlessness helps us achieve true humility (be'Tachtis HaHar), which makes us into proper vessels for the receiving of the Torah.

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Inspirational Picture of the Day :-)

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Parsha Talk 1: Bamidbar

Down for the Count

By "Bardichev"

We are at the start of a new Sefer, a new Parsha and a new month.

A simple question: Why does Parshas Bamidbar always precede the Yom Tov of Shavuos?

The Medrash tells us that Torah needs three attributes: Fire, Water and "Midbar - a Desert"

Midbar signifies mesiras nefesh and total trust in Hashem. ("Lech Tech Acharay Bamidbar")

These two components are so necessary for Kabbalas HaTorah.

In order for us to have a fighting chance in this war against our evil inclination. We need these two elements, (1) mesiras nefesh (yes, self sacrifice), and (2) Complete Trust in Hashem.

Will we see immediate results? Maybe not. That is the reason we count Sefira, to remind us that it is a process - one day at a time.

And like the Jews in the desert, we "KEEP ON TRUCKING!".

Good Shabbos
Bardichev

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Parsha Talk 2: Bamidbar

Each Victory is Precious!

By "Yosef Hatzadik"

"Ach es Mateh Levi lo sifkod - Don't count Shevet Levi" _(1:49)

Rashi says that Hashem foresaw that there will be a decree on all those who were counted from age 20 that they will die in the desert, so He said, "These shall not be included, because they are mine, for they did not stumble with the Golden Calf."

The Sifsei Chachamim points out that Shevet Levi did sin with the Spies along with the rest of the Jews.

There is a major difference between a sin that comes after another sin, and a sin that comes after a victory over the Yetzer Horah!

We may think at times, "What use is there to my refraining this once? I doubt that I will be able to maintain this lofty level forever. I may as well succumb right now." This is faulty thinking. One moment of stalling the Yetzer Horah's advances is immensely special in Hashem's eyes! In that short instant we become "His", and even if we later fall, we have already accomplished so much!

Even though the Levi'im did not withstand the test of the Spies, they did not deserve the same fate as the rest of the nation. The Levi'im had an earlier victory on their account!

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Rosh Chodesh Thought

How Lucky We Are!

By "An honest mouse"

We say in Hallel (1st paragraph): "Mi K'Hashem Elokeinu hamagbili lashoves, hamashpili lirois bashomayim uvo'aretz, mikimi meophor dol, mei'ashpois yorim evyoin - Who is like Hashem our G-d, who is enthroned on high, yet brings Himself down to look at the heavens and the earth. He raises the poor from the dirt and the destitute from the trash".

How lucky are we that the King and Ruler of everything, who sits in Heaven and runs the entire world, is also our Father who loves us so much and comes down to our lowly place in the spiritual garbage to carry us out. If we're stuck in the dirt, just call 'Daddy - I can't find my way out of this trash that is lust, please come down and get me - lift me up all the way to the heavens, I wanna be with You!'. And He just, as it were, drops everything He's doing and comes all the way down to our lowly level to bring us out. Just 'cause we're His children and His special nation!! Could you imagine calling Obama and asking him to come to your house to help you out with something?!?! And he's only the president of America, not the Omnipotent Ruler of the world!

How lucky are we to have such a connection!

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

Dov's "Decent" Day

For me, having "a decent day" means that I was useful to whoever Icould be useful to.

That list includes:

Hashem (by noticing Him, using Him, and caring about what He says),
Ourselves (by staying sober and avoiding the tortures of lust, self-pity, resentment and other stupid but quite natural crapola),
Our spouse (or spouses, if you are Muslim or Mormon :-),
Our children (if you got 'em),
The people we work for (by doing our jobs to help them),
The people we work with (by respecting and spreading pleasantness),
The people we lust after, c"v (by davening for them m'umka deliba),
The people who treat us like garbage (cuz they are sick in the head),
Our families (by just being present and giving),
Our friends,
The people in the shuls we daven in (like by davening on time, and politely, perhaps)
The cashiers (by not being a jerk)

Goodness gracious! There are a lot of ways we can live to be helpful... but the main things are to be be helpful and giving to Hashem, to ourselves, and to those we are beholden to most of the time. The entire Chovos Halevavos is about being giving and helpful to Hashem. It's called hakoras hatov. And that's why writing out gratitude lists are such a mainstay of sanity.

For me, staying sober is the bottom line requirement for being useful. Acting out always, always screws up my life. So to stay useful, I need His help to keep away from the curiosity and stupidity (lying) that would get me back into it c"v.

781.

Sunday ~ 3 Sivan, 5770 ~ May 16, 2010

In Today's Issue

Personal Victory of the Day: Working Only With the Present Moment
Tips of the Day: Some Things that Help Me
Testimonial of the Day: A Padding Between Myself & Frustration
Daily Dose of Dov: Live to Give = No Lack

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Personal Victory of the Day

Working Only With the Present Moment

By "Never Again"

On Friday, I woke up on the wrong foot (after a nocturnal emission) and I was sure my day was only going to follow with disaster. To my surprise though, it didn't. Instead, this Shabbos turned out to be the most positive, meaningful, and fulfilling Shabbos I've had, maybe the entire year! I took a leap and decided I'd put everything aside and work only with the present moment, to use it to its fullest, and to make it the best possible. The thought I carried throughout the day was, "What's the best I can do this very moment?". Wow! I found that it's so much easier to work this way! When focused only on the present moment, you stop making yourself feel like a hypocrite for anything of the past, and the future doesn't either make a difference at this point in time. That totally frees you of the stresses coming from thoughts of consistency, goals, perfection, and personal achievement, etc.! Then, when that's disregarded and all that matters is the present moment, you're even able to enjoy things that would otherwise be extremely stressful! Today was the first day in a long time that I can look back and be proud of how I spent each moment!

Very important (life) lesson learned...

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Tips of the Day

Some Things that Help Me

By "Ano-nymous"

I've partnered up with someone who I identified on the forum as someone I know in real life, and he's been a great help. Being able to talk openly about my issues with someone who really knows what it's like and will not judge me, is a great thing. I find that I'm consistently getting better at recognizing when my mind is fooling me.

As far as practical ideas go, I've found that instead of making a neder not to act out (which, once broken, does me no good), I can make a neder to give some large amount of money to tzedakah. That way, I know that if I act out, I haven't broken my neder, but I will need to part with the money (which I don't like the thought of). The amount has to be large enough that I won't want to act out, but not so large that I will go into denial mode after acting out, which would be disastrous (denial mode means pretending I didn't do it, because I can't admit to myself and others that I have decided not to give the money I promised to give, or simply lying and saying I gave the money, or any number of other paths of deceit). Don't make these kind of nedarim for long periods, but make sure to renew the neder before the old one expires.

I'm learning not to focus too much on the actual counting. Instead, I need to focus on being a healthy balanced person, and the rest will come by itself.

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Testimonial of the Day

A Padding Between Myself & Frustration

By "Eye.nonymous"

I did the 5th step call with Duvid Chaim yesterday, one on one.

Step 4 was to make a fearless moral inventory of our resentments, fears, and misconduct.

Step 5 is to share this inventory on a 3-way call (yourself, your sponsor, and Hashem).

I expected that the call would be some sort of psychoanalysis session.

It was far from it. Simple, but not easy. I gained a whole new perspective on life. As long as I keep the right set of glasses on, the RID will be non-existent.

It was very inspirational. But, I was afraid this was just another intellectual exercise. Just like all the self-help books and mussar sefarim I have read in the past. Nice ideas, but nothing really changes.

Right after the call, my wife asked me to help put one of the children to bed. I literally felt like I was wearing some sort of safety suit. Like some sort of padding was between myself and frustration.

Later on, I got a call from my mother. A difficult topic came up, which in the past has often gone sour. This time, I felt entirely different. I put on a "new set of glasses". A whole bunch of new options, different options, BETTER options, opened up before me that I had never seen before! The conversation ended up very positive.

Later on, my baby was crying and my wife was out. I went to rock his crib. Suddenly, one of my fears (on the fear worksheet) popped up. I thought "THERE'S NO NEED FOR THIS FEAR! I can live life one moment at a time, without the resentments from the past, and without the fears of the future." I felt an amazing sense of serenity.

NOW, another one of my fears is that, in person, I'm not very comfortable talking to people. I felt another change from these calls. My first reaction was TO CALL UP some real people, other fellows from DC's group, and share my experience with them!

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

Live to Give = No Lack

Someone posted on the forum:

I hope I don't slip into depression once I realize and internalize that my wife will not and cannot be part of my fantasies... I might have to settle for (or strive for, perhaps) and ordinary existence.

Dov Replies:

Here is a juicy fantasy for anyone (like me) who has felt gripped with the terror of not getting their ta'yvos, should they quit acting out:

Take off our heavy overcoat of worries, our thick woolen suit of fear that we'll never get what we want so badly, and those tight, strangling clothing of guilt, and change into a nice comfy bathing suit of trust in Hashem and the tools of recovery. Make it fruited yellow bermudas! At first, the whole idea of letting go of our 'precious load' will seem wacky and even suicidal to us!

Nu. Climb quietly up to the diving board of Recovery. Never mind, we'll carry you...

Take a few slow, deep breaths and walk to the end of the board and leap right into the water of making our wives' satisfaction our greatest concern. Welcome to Real Life for a recovering person!

The water may be cold sometimes, it may be too deep to feel the floor, but - no need to panic here. There are many, many people who will share a life-preserver called the 12 steps with us! The kiddie pool we were swimming in 'till now was getting yellow, anyway...

Let's grab the 12 steps and test out whether letting go of our selfish concerns and really "living to give" will shortchange us. Test it!

Shockingly, most find that the waters are warm. In fact, they never want to get out when that darn whistle blows!

Now try jumping in only halfway. It can't work, sorry. Rabi Shimon bar Yochai would definitely not have had a carob tree grow for him and his son, had he brought a sandwich into that cave "just in case"!

Yes, our desires aren't always bad, and we can even share them with our wives sometimes.... but the ikkar here is to understand that the fantasies are really a sad burden, that when demanded, weigh-down and destroy relationships and lives. Trust Hashem and trust recovery.

We, of all people, will not be lacking anything from giving. We'll be full, full, full!

782.

Monday ~ 4 Sivan, 5770 ~ May 17, 2010

In Today's Issue

Announcement: Fund Raising Trip
Torah Thought of the Day - Shavuos: Prerequisite for Kabbalas HaTorah
Attitude Tip of the Day: A Two Inch Waterfall
Battle Communication: Throw Away the Fear
Daily Dose of Dov: Lust is Like a Star

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Announcement

Fund Raising Trip

The long-awaited fund-raising trip is finally around the corner... Me and my partner plan on leaving for the States a few days after Shavuos, and we'll be in the N.Y, Lakewood and Baltimore area for about a week be"H. (What, I never told you about my partner? well, he joined me recently... more info on him maybe a different time...)

I have prepared a presentation for the meetings that we scheduled, and I am convinced that any erliche yid that we meet with will be very impressed and convinced that our cause is extremely important.

If you know any wealthy people who might be warm to helping us expand our holy work, and especially if you would have some way to get us a meeting with them, please let me know at eyes.guard@gmail.com and I will send you our proposal/plan along with the Haskamos that we have, to pass on to them. We are looking for potential donors of 5k and up. (We won't have time to make a whole presentation for small checks ;-)

Please daven for the success of our trip, as our success is the success of Klal Yisrael in dealing with these impossible tests. It's all Hashem, all the time. Please put in a good word for us in your daily prayers. Thanks!

P.S. I may be less responsive to e-mails, messages on the forum, etc. in the coming two weeks or so. I apologize in advance. I hope that I can somehow find time to send the daily chizuk e-mails, but even that may not be possible for a day here and there. Your understanding is appreciated :-)

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Torah Thought of the Day: SHAVUOS

Prerequisite for Kabbalas HaTorah:

GUARD YOUR EYES

By "an honest mouse"

This comes from the book called 'timeless seasons' by Rabbi Pinchos Roberts, but I figure most people haven't heard of it and it is SO relevant to us.

How come ALL the Jews, without exception, accepted the Torah at Har Sinai? In parshas Vo'eschanan (Devorim 4:35), Moshe reminds the people that they had been shown with their own eyes 'ain oid milvado'. Rashi explains that at Har Sinai, Hashem opened all 7 heavens and showed the people Malchus Hashem in all its glory. It was so pleasurable and wonderful that everyone wanted in.

It could be that this is what the nations of the world were complaining about, when they said that the Jews got special treatment. If they had seen how good it was, they would have accepted it as well! However, Hashem answered them to bring Him the book of their lineage. In other words, He was telling them that in order to see a Mareh Elokim, they needed pure eyes. This was an inheritance that we received from Shem (who didn't look at Noach), Avrohom (who wouldn't stare at Sarah - see megillah 15a), Yosef Hatzadik, and the people in the Midbar camped in a 'ma tovu' way for this very reason - i.e. not to see anything inappropriate.

In other words, the prerequisite for a proper Kabbalas haTorah is GUARD YOUR EYES!!! How can we daven every morning 'v'hoer eineinu besoirosecho' if those same eyes are tainted with shmutz? We have to make our eyes capable of becoming holy, before the Torah can do its work with them.

In conclusion, we need to guard our eyes becayse it's the only way we can truly connect with our special gift that makes us different from the nations (ve'hivdilanu min hatoyim - venosan lonu Toras emes). And we CAN do it, because we have the strength through our inheritance!

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Attitude Tip of the Day

A Two Inch Waterfall

By "Yosef Hatzadik"

Imagine if you live near Victoria Falls in Africa, would you be interested in looking at a two inch high waterfall? It would not be hard to look away from that. The physical beauty of woman is just a two inch waterfall compared to the beauty of the soul. Why would we want to focus on this insignificant thing and miss the true beauty instead? Perhaps this is what Lust addiction is after all, just a fantasy that some insignificant thing will make us happy, when of course it can't, because we are missing the true beauty and the things that will really make us happy.

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Battle Communication

Throw Away the Fear

By "Steve"

I am only human, so I'm expecting that someday I may slip too far and fall - although I don't want to. I BUT I'M NOT AFRAID OF THAT. Because the moments of weakness DON'T DEFINE ME. I AM THE GOOD GUY who's trying. It's the GOOD minutes, hours, and days that DEFINE ME, not the glitches. So if I fall one day, I'll have charata (regret), do Teshuva and try harder. BUT IT'S NOT GONNA DRAG ME DOWN, I'm gonna jump right back up and CONTINUE WHERE I LEFT OFF.

I don't look at it as STARTING OVER. I look at it as CONTINUING TO GROW from where I left off. (I am NOT using this as an EXCUSE to act out c"v, but as a way to feel GOOD about myself and not have ANXIETY in advance of whether I will act out one day or not. It takes away the "fear of flying".)

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

Lust is Like a Star

Someone asked on the forum:

This whole looking at porn and acting out is such a big part of my past. It will haunt me forever. I can never be truly rid of it because it is there. How do I face this? And if we can actually heal from this then we aren't addicts, no?

Dov Replies:

Most of the things that pain us so, actually turn out to be lies. OK, I'll be PC and call them "mistakes"... They evaporate, eventually. I felt the same way you describe, about much more than just porn and acting out, but I was wrong! Nowadays, my life is really about other things. This came as a shock to me. Today, the lust is usually just a voice in the background that I chuckle at when it becomes 'loud enough to hear' (at myself, not at the lust!). I know my lust is just like a star - so tiny and weak when it is far from me, yet millions of miles wide and with incredibly powerful nuclear force if close up!

My basic job on any day is to stay far from it - keep it just a dot in the firmament of my life. I say "ha, ha" to those who seem to want me to see myself as "cured". Maybe they need to feel that they are just like everyone else to feel "OK" with themselves, but I know to what depths I can still descend should I just get tricked into taking those stupid little pleasures that normal people seem to be able to tolerate once in a while. This is an important point to me: Even a normal y'ray Shomayim is able to take a little lust once in a while... who's perfect? It's terrible, but they will regret it sincerely and do a proper teshuvah and move on. The chances of it being a 'gateway' for them are small - a gateway to what? Not so for me, a man who knows what it's like to be given over to Lust. If I take in a little, I may not be so lucky. Who knows? I may very well revert to living for it. I have seen it happen to alkies, heroin addicts, and lust addicts. It's horrifying.

Besides, to me, this acceptance of my frailty even in recovery may be my only real shot at anivus! And that's precious. I trust Hashem completely to save me from lust today, but not if I am an idiot and ingrate, and take sips from the barrel "when no one is looking". My heart tells me that Ein somchin al haneis applies in this respect.

783.

Tuesday ~ 5 Sivan, 5770 ~ May 18, 2010
Erev Shavuos

In Today's Issue

Torah Thought of the Day: Shavuos - The Result of Seffiras Ha'Omer
Torah Thought of the Day (2): Enjoy the Cheesecake
Attitude Tip of the Day: Na'aseh Ve'Nishma
Testimonial of the Day: Reaching 90 on Erev Shavuos
Battle Communication: No Freedom without Torah
Announcement Repeat: Fund Raising Trip

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Torah Thought of the Day: SHAVUOS

Shavu'os: The Result of Seffiras Ha'Omer

Posted by "Ovadia"

The following piece is a quote from the book "Living Inspired" by R' Akiva Tatz. I think that a lot of it is very relevant to our struggles.

There is a very interesting thing about the way we count the Omer. The natural way of counting towards an event is by counting down. When one looks forward to a significant day, one counts off the days remaining between the present and that day. In contrast, when we count the Omer, we count the days that have elapsed from Pesach. Why is this so? Surely we should be counting the days remaining until Shavuos?

Similarly, we call the count "Sefirat ha'Omer", referring to the Korban Omer which is brought on Pesach. Why is the Mitzva named for the point of departure instead of the goal?

The idea that emerges is that the counting is not a sentimental marking of the passage of time until the goal; it is the building of that goal. Counting is work. Counting means accounting for and developing each component of a process fully, responsibly, and in current sequence. Only when each detail is painstakingly created and assembled into the process, can the goal be reached - in fact, that itself is the goal; the sequence is our responsibility and if it is done correctly, the goal results. The goal itself in spiritual terms, cannot be built or achieved directly - it is transcendent. But the finite components can be built; when that is done appropriately, the result manifests as a gift. The transcendence of Shavuos, Torah, is reached not by a single act which builds it, but by a deliberate painstaking building of each of the seven days of the seven weeks which lead to it. When that is done, Shavuos results. We work on the process, the pathway, not on the result, and the result happens of its own.

The clearest illustration of this is that the Torah commands "You shall count fifty days" and yet we count only forty-nine. Why do we not actually count the fiftieth day on Shavuos itself as the words clearly indicate? The answer is striking: we cannot count the fiftieth; it is pure transcendence, of another world entirely, beyond finite counting. It is Shavuos; the giving of the torah. We would be limiting it by assigning it a finite number. It is not an element, it is totality. We can count the forty-nine human stages; when we do so, Shavuos and transcendence arrive as a gift, as the amazing result of our attention to the fragments. In fact, we fulfill the Torah's command to count the fiftieth day by not counting it, by not limiting it to a finite number! That is the only way to reach Shavuos - to do all that we can and then allow the Kedusha to manifest.

And that is why we count from Pesach and not towards Shavuos. We cannot cause Shavuos; we can build the path. We build on the Omer, on what we have as a beginning at Pesach. That is our focus: "Today is one day of the Omer" - we have built one day; "today is two days of the Omer" - we have built two days. When we have built forty nine days correctly Shavuos takes over! And then we and our counting become a higher reality.

Counting days, creating time. We should not be passively riding time; we should be building our lives, causing time to become real. Passively drifting through time allows time inexorably to dissolve life; building life by building its elements consciously and actively in Kedusha, causes time to transcend into eternity.

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Torah Thought of the Day (2): Shavuos

Enjoy the Cheesecake

By "SilentBattle"

Shavuos is "Chetzyo Lachem, Chetzyo LaHashem". Interestingly, it seems that on Shavuos there's more of a reason to be involved in gashmiyus, because once we have Torah, gashmiyus can be raised onto the level of ruchniyos. That's why Shavuos is the only time during the year when chametz is brought as a korban - because with Torah, even the Yetzer Hara can be used for the right purposes.

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Attitude Tip of the Day

Na'aseh Ve'Nishma

By "Yechidah"

"Leap, and the net will appear" (Zen saying)

We call this "Bitachon".

We are afraid to give up our unhealthy tendencies.

Don't be afraid.

Hashem set up the net.

It's safe.

And it's the path to true freedom and happiness.

Leap, and the net will appear.

That was Naaseh V'Nishma: A Huge Leap.

Yes, it's scary.

But we trust the One who gives us the net.

We are safe and sound with Him.

Leap, and the net will appear.

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Testimonial of the Day

Reaching 90 on Erev Shavuos

By "Andrewsh"

Hi everyone, I think it's quite significant that I will reach 90 on Erev Shavuos.

I must say that although I have not posted much, I obviously could not have come this far without stumbling upon this web site. Posting, but even more through reading, has really helped me through various issues.

A massive part of staying clean has been through Google-phone talking with "cleareyes613". I needed to find someone who faces the same issues, who is clean longer, and who has the same mentality/outlook as me. And cleareyes, you have been amazing for me. Cheers to you and all the others!

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Battle Communication

No Freedom Without Torah

"Steve" wrote last week:

Guys, did you know Shavuos is right around the corner? I feel so unprepared - Hashem has been sending me a gazillion messages that I should get back into a regular learning schedule. We want FREEDOM from lust, right? Well, as the writing on the Luchos teaches us ("charus al ha'luchos"), there is NO CHAIRUS (FREEDOM) WITHOUT TORAH!!

The 12 Step program will help us get free to a certain extent, BUT WITHOUT TORAH we could never become FULLY FREE from our desires, our "self" and our Yetzer Hara.

Some "second-look" urges have been getting stronger lately, and I know I need Torah nutrition to have the strength to fight them, using the tools from the 12 Steps.

I started by looking over Pirkei Avos during the weekdays also. Simple to read, small sized bites with a LOT of nutrients, and always accessible everywhere a siddur is found.

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Announcement Repeat

Fund Raising Trip

The long-awaited fund-raising trip is finally around the corner... Me and my partner plan on leaving for the States a few days after Shavuos, and we'll be in the N.Y, Lakewood and Baltimore area for about a week be"H.

I have prepared a presentation for the meetings that we scheduled, and I am convinced that any erliche yid that we meet with will be very impressed and convinced that our cause is extremely important.

784.

Friday ~ 8 Sivan, 5770 ~ May 21, 2010
Erev Shabbos Parshas Naso

In Today's Issue

Parsha Talk - Naso: Sota to Nazir: Turn Inspiration into Deed
Battle Communication: Why I Need to Stop
Daily Dose of Dov: Freedom is the Gateway to Pleasure

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Parsha Talk: Naso

Sota to Nazir: Turn Inspiration into Deed

By "Ovadia"

The following piece is in honor of R' Menachem Mendel of Vitebsk ZT"L, talmid of the Baal Shem Tov and author of the Sefer Pri Ha'aretz whose Yartzeit was recently on Rosh Chodesh Iyar.

It has been mentioned on the forum in various contexts, that many of us felt disgusted and nauseated the first time that we saw shmutz. Yet somehow we managed to get sucked in and to have "pleasure" from it. How can this paradox be understood from a Torah perspective?

In Parshas Naso the section which deals with Nazir is placed immediately after the section which deals with Sota. Chazal make the connection between the two Mitzvot, and say that "one who witnesses the Sota in her degradation should prohibit wine to himself by taking a Nazarite vow".

The obvious question is, that the logical assumption would be that having seen the horrific death of a Sota, a person should be inspired to sin less. Yet the implication is that precisely as a result of this, he is more likely to sin?
Says R' Menachem Mendel ZT"L that inspiration is a double edged knife. On the one hand, watching the death of the Sota can shock a person and impress upon him the severity of such behavior and actions. On the other hand, the exposure to new knowledge can be detrimental, as it opens up new possibilities to sin. Of course a person's immediate reaction to such a scene is to be inspired and resolve to improve, but eventually the impression wears off and the person is left with more knowledge, only now without the inspiration. The result of this is catastrophic. The only way to preserve the inspiration is by translating thought into action. This is what Chazal meant when they said that one who witnesses the Sota in her degradation should prohibit wine to himself by taking a Nazarite vow.

R' Dessler ZT"L explains that the "memory" of the heart has the same mechanism as the mental memory. Just like a person's memory can be triggered by a tiny connection to the event, so too, by associating inspiration with an action, subsequently that action will always bring the original inspiration back into focus. By taking on the Nazarite vow, he puts the original inspiration into a deed, and this will help him retain the inspiration.

What we can learn from this, is that whenever we feel inspired, we need to make a new commitment in the area of "deed". Otherwise, the inspiration is like a soul without a body, and it will quickly dissipate.

There is a further source which will help to give a deeper understanding of the Torah approach to this phenomenon.

The Torah instructs all soldiers going to war to be equipped with a spade to cover their excrement. The Ibin Ezra comments on this that any disgusting thing that a person sees has a detrimental effect on his Neshama.

R' Dessler ZT"L elaborates on this in the following way. We think that a person's aversion to seeing things that disgust him is built in to a person's physical nature. However in reality, it is a spiritual quality. Every person has a point of Tumah deep inside him. When one is exposed to impurity, then this Tumah is aroused and has the ability to posses them and distance them from HaKadosh Baruch Hu. Therefore, to protect his spirituality, a Jewish soldier must protect himself from any exposure to filth whatsoever.

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Battle Communication

Why I Need to Stop

"Rage" posted:

For me, it wasn't about getting caught... I still believe that I can likely carry on forever and never get caught... I probably will never lose my job or family because of it... So why am I doing all that I can to stop, even joining these embarrassing SA meetings?

I guess there were two intangibles there for me, that made me revolt against the disease... The first is that feeling that you are being totally controled by another... "Now you do what it tells you"... I couldn't be that way... And the second is even more intangible... The feeling like I was being eaten alive from the inside... Like I was dying... that I was losing who I am at my very core... Maybe those two feelings are related, But for me it was NEVER about getting caught or losing something... I just want to be me... It's that simple... I can't live under the control of this disease... So I will stop at nothing to break free...

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

Freedom is the Gateway to Pleasure

Someone posted on the forum:

I'm trying to use only public computers. Being the only guy with a yarmulke for miles around, I'd be too afraid of getting caught, and of the shame that would ensue and the chillul Hashem. I hope that will be a strong deterrent for me.

Dov Replies:

Deterrents are good, but there comes a point where you need to ask yourself, "am I in control of myself when it comes to lust, or not?" (I'm not, even though I'm sober)

For a real addict, there's only so long that 'other people watching' or the spectre of chilul Hashem can be really expected to stop him.

Are you actually planning on 'beating' this problem mainly through ceaseless vigilance?

And finally: Does your heart tell you that the only real problem you have is environmental: i.e. the internet, pretty women, this stupid culture we live in, etc.?

After trying to "beat" it for many years, my heart finally told me that even though my environment was certainly a challenge, it was I that had a problem of some sort. It just didn't seem normal to have one's mind taken up by struggle with lust so often and so much of the time. If I "fixed" it here, it came out over there - if I stopped turning to lust when I was depressed, I found myself turning to it when I was happy! Also, just getting out of the habit didn't stop me from being preoccupied with it, and eventually succumbing later on. I was always counting the days I resisted it - as if reaching a mark of a month, year, or whatever, would mean something, much like a bar mitzvah of sorts... "Phew, I made it!"

Obviously, many people don't have this history and find success (however they define it) where I did not. I truly wish that success for you. But you have posted your frustration a number of times already, so I am sharing with you that for me, this is not the way.

For me, the Problem is as much a part of me my liver is, or as 'Fear' is - and it plays for keeps. All the external controls will not save my behind. The problem of my mental/emotional programming to use lust and human sexuality for purposes that it is not intended, will not go away just because I don't act on it. Hashem clearly didn't give sexuality to us to run to for courage or comfort when we feel scared, lonely, or too emotional. Its tremendous power was not meant just for creating that 'trance' many of us experience while searching for schmutz in order to forget our stresses. All the stresses of life have their own real and healthy solutions... none of them require lust to work. Sexuality, and the relationship that it is meant to be part of, is clearly meant to raise a relationship to a deeper level. More connection and fewer separations - not more secrecy and lying!! That is always what lust led to for me, before marriage and in marriage. I always had it totally backwards! I perverted what Hashem gave me to use and enjoy, into a drug.

You can't really enjoy something that you require. Freedom is the gateway to pleasure. Addiction eventually ruins our enjoyment of whatever we are addicted to, actually. Then it slowly ruins everything else, too.

'Charus al haLuchos'... When I think of Cheirus (Freedom), I hope to be thinking about it as the gateway to pleasure, bechirah, relationships, self-fulfillment, sobriety, avodah - Everything!

And in my own case, the one time I feel I have the least power of bechirah (freedom) of all, is when I am acting out on Lust, r"l. Thank-G-d I am sober today!

785.

Sunday ~ 10 Sivan, 5770 ~ May 22, 2010

In Today's Issue

Caught in the Mud: A Marbitz Torah & Mashpia Ruchni

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A Respected Marbitz Torah and Mashpiah Ruchani

"FrumFiend" writes on our forum for the first time:

I am a respected marbitz torah and mashpiah ruchani. I fell into tumah very young age (a guy showed me something). I spent years spending every moment lusting after and dreaming about how to access such material. In Beis Medrash I broke away completely (for about seven years). A few months after marriage, I fell in again with magazine material. When internet came out, I bought a computer and since then I was basically hooked. At the beginning there where times that I threw away computer or internet, but I always came back to it anyways a month or two later. At this point, shmutz is a daily part of my life. I have no interest or hope of changing this. This addiction is not known to anyone and has no effect on my life except for not allowing me to become the Talmid chacham I could be. However since I have seen this site, I cannot bring myself to see tumah on the screen. I am sure this will not last however. If someone can grab me and guide me, I would really appreciate it. I have looked through this site and I am just amazed at how similar the thought process of people on this site are to mine. This gives me a glimmering of hope that maybe I can get out.

Anyway tizku Lemitzvos on your great work, even if it may not help me.

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Elya (moderator of the hotline and phone conference) replies:

Dear Marbitz,

A year and a half ago when I first joined this forum, I invited a fellow to join me on one of my Thursday night anonymous phone calls (hint! ;-). He attended the call.

On the call, my guest-therapist said that if you can stay clean for 90 days, the neural pathways in your brain change and all of this becomes easier, (it never fully goes away).

This man had been visiting adult video stores for over 32 years almost every day, including Shvichas Zera. He decided that night that he would stop. He called me the next morning on my cell and began crying hysterically. Here is what he said:

"I cannot do this, it is too hard. THESE PICTURES ARE MY FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!!!! - And I cannot bear to be without them. He was so addicted and insane at that moment, that he actually believed the actors on a video were his friends. I spoke with him for a while, actually every day, for almost 6 months. He still calls me occasionally.

These calls kept him sober, not because of me, but because of his willingness to be honest and open, and speak-out the shame and guilt we all have. That is the foundation of the recovery process.

By the way, he has not gone to an adult video store in 1 1/2 years. Although he still struggles with lust, his life is totally different and with much more meaning and fulfillment. I pray you will find a similar path.

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Dov Responds to "FrumFiend"

Dear Frum marbitz fellow,

It was bittersweet reading your post above. The main feeling I also had when first coming into a SA meeting was a bit similar..."Well, that guy over there is a bona fide pervert, the other guy is clearly lying, and I feel kind of sorry for the other folks, but - they are all speaking my mind!... I think I am in the right place after all." It was kind of weird. Here I was a ben-Torah (who's clearest priority of all was daily schmutz?!) and these were mostly goyim and only one other frum guy. A Pervert. Yet Hashem was going to save me through them!

Nu. But at the time back then, it also gave me tremendous hope. It told me that if these monkeys could find out how to live successfully sober and without holding onto so many secrets, then I could co it too! (I often thought I'd burst carrying shocking secrets to my grave, and it bothered me that they'd be maspid the wrong guy at my funeral... They wouldn't have ever known the "me" I lived with most of the time!). Feeling like I'd be able to leave all that behind was HUGE.

Your story is so not unusual, it's sad. Hatzlocha!

With much respect and love,

Dov

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"FrumFiend" responds:

Thank you very much for all your replies. It is a very weird feeling to have a part of your life that is so compartmentalized that no one (including yourself in a certain way) are aware of, has become part of a public forum.

Something Elya mentioned made me feel very sick. He mentioned video stores. I had totally forgotten the years before the internet, sneaking into those stores, hoping no one recognized your car. Taking of the frum uniform. Sneaking into clubs in Manhattan. Ordering the movies to your address and hoping your wife doesn't happen to come home early and check the mail. Oy Rebono shell Olam, in those days I felt stupid. The broadband internet has made the process so sterile that I could write that it doesn't affect my life, but in those days, Oh Boy! I have more to say but that's enough for now. Meanwhile haven't looked at anything since I found your site. Over Shabbos, I sat and learned for a few hours B'hasmadah Gedolah and B'eiyun Nimratz.

Thanks

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Dov Responds to "FrumFiend"

You write "In those days" as if the lust is not destroying your life today.

Now I don't mean this as a smarty-pants at all, but as someone who has been there himself, is there, and watched many other people's lives crumble, r"l: When it comes to this problem, or sickness - if you will, most people remain as stupid as ever. They just dress it up real smartly.

The ones who do gain sobriety, soon learn that they may be smart right now being 'oh so sober', but become shockingly stupid in a hurry (RMB"N in K'doshim as an example of the "shockingly" aspect). If you are so inclined, consider reading the experiences of the early alcoholics in the second chapter of "Alcoholics Anonymous". If you've never read it, I would wager that by the time you read a bit there you'll see yourself... (based on what you have shared above, that is).

As far as having part of your life on a public forum - don't worry, you are still anonymous! But the point is this: What you and I do is on the most public forum there is: Einei Haborei b"H.

In more personal terms: What we actually do is reality; it is recorded simply and openly in reality, forever. Living with that awareness is called "integrity" and is behind the RMBM's p'sak that kiddush and chillul Hashem are even bein odom l'atzmo, without anyone seeing him at all. That's what "v'yad kol odom bo" means to say. It helps us take life as the precious thing it really is. (Though 'integrity' is only a byproduct of sobriety, and will not usually stop most of us from messing around with the schmutz, in the end).

What we do is far more important than what we get caught doing. Do you hear this? Our wives hear it. What drives them crazy with pain is not what they find out about, but what their husbands did. The damage was in what we did, not in what we got caught doing. While this may sound obvious, it isn't - the proof is that rarely would we do anything schmutzy if our wives or children (or almost anyone) were going to see it.

Now that is a perspective that I could never have related to at all, till sobriety.

786.

Monday ~ 11 Sivan, 5770 ~ May 24, 2010

In Today's Issue

Announcement: Off to the States!
Daily Dose of Dov: Dov Defines His Understanding of GYE's Role

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Announcement

We are heading to the U.S in a few hours, be"H. Our goal is simple: To find ways to take our work to the next level and help many tens of thousands more Yidden find hope and recovery. We will be looking to grow and expand our services in both the areas of Prevention & Treatment. Please daven for the success of our trip.

(I may not succeed in sending Chizuk e-mails consistently in the coming days. I apologize in advance).

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Dov Defines His Understanding of GYE's Role

"StrugglingGuy" asked on the forum:

I'm a little unclear. When we say "staying clean" from mast**** on this website, do we mean causing an erect***, or just not ejac**** -?

Dov Responds:

Dear StrugglingGuy,

You are hitting on something wide-ranging that many folks get all caught-up in, so this is gonna be a megillah. First, I need to remind you that I do not speak for GYE. Guard does. I am sober today b'chasdei Hashem through SA, and I do as they do, even today. GYE serves a wide range of yidden. Many are addicts, but many are not. As an addict in 12-step recovery, I firmly maintain that no one is able to tell anyone else if they are an addict or not: the entire meaning of the 1st step is that a person comes to that conclusion themselves, without any outside assistance. That is the only way they know it's really the truth and that they will never be able to run from it. If the facts are to make any difference at all for change in living, they need to really be known by the person. That only happens in the heart (which is also why "Rachmono liba bo'I"). Thankfully, GYE leaves the truth about us, up to us.

Surely there are many sweet yidden who are occasionally nichshol in terrible aveiros for whatever reason, but consider it a rare occurrence. They see they need help to keep their avodah clean. Perhaps they have never even been nichshol, but fear they may soon be. They need to find a place where they can let the truth out and get advice to protect themselves from the mess out there, and perhaps even from the mess inside them. GYE has tools, friendships and chizuk to help many. Some may thereby gain the freedom to choose to open up to their Rabbeim, wives, safe friends, or to a professional about their struggles and fears and get help that way. Some may get the strength and clarity they need to successfully stay away from the fire of lust and temptation, and remain clean and happy - just by opening up!

Some members of GYE consider their main problem that they are doing specific aveiros. Many of those are looking at schmutz, fantasizing, and masturbating; others are doing other embarrassing behaviors, others are using women (or men); some are single and others are married. They see their problem as encapsulated, "under control" but still a problem, and it pains them to no-end. They seek advice and chizuk, but if they really want to stop, they also come to GYE for the opportunity to admit - and thereby confront - the whole truth about themselves before it grows to proportions they'd rather not face, at all.

Some members concede that they are doing aveiros, but consider their main problem "a lifestyle of sin". They see that correcting individual aveiros as not enough for them - they sense that they need an overhaul of their entire perspective on kedushas habris, or maybe even on serving Hashem. They also come to GYE for the honesty, chizuk and eitzos. Perhaps GYE will help them make strong friendships that will guide them to the lifelong help they will need to serve Hashem truly.

Other members sense that their lives are actually out of control because of their lust habits. They may not yet have lost jobs or homes, but they doubt that even those ends are far off. They suffer with the knowledge that they live a double-life. Good, trustworthy, frum people on their outside - but they know the trance they get into pursuing their next high - and that they are like different people then. They hide their activities. At first they see the privacy as discretion, later they discover they are actually hiding in order to protect their ability to keep doing it! They truly wish to serve Hashem, but know that they could not possibly live like other servants of Hashem do - unless they can take their drug along...

These folks are often addicts, identical to the alcoholics and heroin-users. True, my body odor typically doesn't bother me much, but there is really no difference in the methods and desperation of SA's to AA's. And they too only get worse, never better. There ain't no easy way out.

This last group can find resources, advice and chizuk at GYE, too. They may get help to face to truth about themselves - whatever it may be, and to get the help they really need to save their lives. Often there are wives', husbands' and children's lives in the balance, as well. I am glad that GYE does not decide for members what they need, but members are encouraged to share what actually works for them, rather than simply 'teaching' more true and good hashkofa. (Hey, you can go anywhere for that!) Many addicts feel they need to know where even abject losers go to become 'winners'. I am one of those losers, who found help in one of the resources that is made available by GYE.

So, to your question: Of course, the standard of halacha is simple and clear. But once you ask about "defining staying clean" it depends on what you are coming from, and will change and grow as you do. "How do you define staying clean?" I'd answer by saying that it truly depends on what you consider your 'dirt'.

Apology

(Friday, May 28)

We are on a trip throughout the U.S, trying to boost awareness about the work of GYE and to raise funds to take our work to the next level. In over two years, I do not think we have missed sending out the chizuk e-mails even once, but unfortunately due to this vital trip with back-to-back meetings every day, I have been unable to find time to prepare the e-mails.

Besides for meeting with a few potential donors, we have had B"H some very important meetings on our trip. Here are a few:

- The OU
- Philip Rosenthal
- Agudas Yisrael
- Assemblyman Hikind's Child Abuse Task Force
- Torah U'Messorah
- Rav Yaakov Bender and his staff at Darchei Torah

B"H, everywhere we went our message was very well received. Doors to potential donors may be beginning to open, and we hope that the trip will culminate in success. Please keep davening, for our success is literally the success of Klal Yisrael in dealing with what is perhaps this generation's biggest challenge.

We won't be back until the end of next week, so meanwhile, please make sure to read from he archives of over 750 "Breaking Free" chizuk e-mails sent out in the past two years, and 400 Shemiras Ainayim Chizuk e-mails as well. You can access the archives by clicking on the numbers 1 - 750, and 1 - 400 at the top of this page.

Have a great Shabbos!

787.

Sunday ~ 24 Sivan, 5770 ~ June 6, 2010

In Today's Issue

The Big Trip: What We Accomplished; Who We Met
Torah Thought of the Day: The Fear of the Meraglim
12 Step Attitude: Magnificent Magnifying Mind
Daily Dose of Dov: More of the same, or REAL change?

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The Big Trip

Hi everyone. It's good to be back home. Sorry for the break in the Chizuk e-mails due to our trip. Originally I thought I might have time to prepare some e-mails while on the trip, but it was simply impossible. Every moment was spent on meetings. We (me and my partner) were out all day, back late at night and up early each morning.

I've gotten a bunch of e-mails asking how the trip went. I'm happy to say that B"H the trip was a considerable success. We succeeded in spreading awareness of our work, we connected with some big Jewish organizations, and hopefully laid down the groundwork for some serious financial backing (i.e. fundraising).

Although we didn't come back with any big checks in our pockets yet, we got the ball rolling and I believe it's just a matter of time now. We got some serious financial commitments, and many great ideas for how to make our dreams a reality. One influential Ba'al Habayis committed to a very honorable donation if we can get together another three people to match his commitment. Any ideas from you guys to this effect will be greatly appreciated ;-)

Our message was very well received wherever we went. I believe we accomplished a lot in a short time due to a number of factors:

The desperate need in Klal Yisrael for what we are doing
Our proven success to date
A good Business/Expansion Plan and a nice multimedia presentation
Some influential people helped get doors open for us at organizations and donors
A lot of Siyatta di'Shmayah

The whole trip seemed orchestrated from above. Everything just seemed to fit together like a puzzle. We didn't have a moment to spare, and the meetings just kept coming and coming until we had to go back to the airport.

It is likely that we'll need to make another trip in the coming weeks/months to keep the ball rolling and strike while the iron is hot. With the help of the Agudah and a few influential balai batim, we may be able to arrange some sort of parlor meeting with some of the big Jewish donors. It is likely that it would be around Elul time. We'll keep you posted :-)

Here is a list of people/places we met with on this trip:

(besides for many potential donors)

Philp Rosenthal (our prevention advisor)

The Orthodox Union (OU)

Frank Buchweitz, head of community projects for the OU

Frank also let the following people/orgs know about us:

Mrs. Feigi Zakheim's Task-Force in Brooklyn

Reb Yaakov Horowitz

At the Agudah we met with (and gave a presentation to):

R' Chaim David Zwiebel
R' Gedaliah Weinberger
R' Labish Becker
R' Avrohom Nisan Perl
R' Eliyahu Simcha Bamberger

Hikind's "Shomrei Yaldeinu" Task Force

Joe Lazar
Dov Cohen

Torah U'Messorah

Rabbi David Nojowitz
R' Zvi Bloom

Gedolim we met with:

Rav Ephrayim Waxman in Monsey
Rav Aharon Feldman, Rosh Yeshiva of Ner Yisrael
Rav Avraham Schorr - (who gave us a warm Haskama on the spot).

Other Rabbanim we met with:

Rav Heber, Rav of Ahavas Yisroel Tzemach Tzedek shul in Baltimore
Rav Heineman, Rav of the Agudah in Baltimore

Mechanchim we met with:

Reb Yaakov Bender and all his Menahalim at Darchei Torah of Far Rockaway
Rav Yossel Mayers

Influential askanim we met with:

R' Yechezkel Kauftheil
R' Asher Friedman

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Torah Thought of the Day

The Fear of the Meraglim

We are powerless over our addiction in the same way that the Yidden were powerless to overcome the seven mighty nations in Eretz Yisrael. So what was the sin of the Meraglim? After all, they were RIGHT by saying that we couldn't overcome our enemies?

To quote Dov (our forum moderator - sober in SA for 13 years), who was replying today to someone who was desperate for help and felt like he was about to fall after viewing some questionable TV shows and internet sites. Dov writes the following:

There's nothing bad about the desperation you are describing. Actually, I believe it is precious, and we all need to keep it in a bottle for use many times during the day - not just when we feel badly enough about our behavior because it's already in the 'awful' category. We ourselves are unable to beat this thing - period. Like the Jews about to go into Israel: They were absolutely powerless to beat the seven nations there, as Moshe makes clear in D'varim. The only mistake of the spies was that they incited the crowd to forsake G-d's love and intervention. That, I say to you, is your only real enemy - not lust at all. And certainly not the internet nor the TV show that you saw.

As Dov writes above, it is not the claim that "we CAN'T do it" that was the sin of the Meraglim. It was forsaking Hashem who CAN do it, that was their sin. Our real enemy is not lust, it is "forsaking Hashem".

In the 12-Step groups they call FEAR = False Evidence Appearing Real (see the article below). When Hashem is in the equation, there can be no fear at all. No matter how impossible our reality seems at times, if we let go and let G-d we don't NEED to have the strength and wisdom to do what we need to. Even if all the evidence points to failure, it's really only False Evidence Appearing Real.

Hashem is the only real truth, and He can do ANYTHING.

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12 Step Attitude

Magnificent Magnifying Mind

By Benyamin Bresinger, Director of Project Pride

(I found this piece to be very deep. It's worth reading twice. However, those who are unfamiliar with 12-Step jargon such as "stinkin' thinking" and "it's an inside job" may find it a little difficult to grasp all the concepts).

I walked by a guy the other day and he had a look of disgust on his face. First I was mad - thinking, "Who does he think he is?" Then I got outraged - thinking, "Doesn't he know who I am?"

I joke with my kids saying, "Do you have any idea how important I am in my head? After all, I might not be much, but I am all that I think about.

It's when I take another's actions personally that I am concluding that he is wronging me, and that the target of his disrespect is me. That's False Evidence Appearing Real - FEAR!! Probably his thoughts at the time of the crime have nothing whatsoever to do with me. Nevertheless, because of my fear of not being enough, I see his facial expression as showing his contempt towards me. After all, my "stinkin' thinkin'" says that I am contemptible. My fear manifests itself through anger and outrage. I go into attack mode, usually internally, because "It's a inside job!"

There is a way out of this painful way of walking through life - always reacting personally. Let's go back to the scene of the assault and reenact it differently. So here comes "sour pus" heading my way. The Torah tells us that "It's a mitzvah to pray for our every need." My need at this moment is to put myself, and my character defect of self centeredness, in its proper place. Therefore, my prayer goes up saying, "Bless him! Change me." I consider his possible need over my faulty fear. Each time I offer up this prayer, I not only don't take it personally, I am freed from the grip of the insane message that I am a victim of a crime against Benyamin. G-d answers my request because I got out of the way even if it's only a moment of humility.

So, the next time I am attacked by my own fear, I can take it to G-d instead of taking it personally -- by asking for the others to be blessed, I am being changed.

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

More of the same, or REAL change?

(To understand this beautiful post from Dov it may be necessary to see this link for a quick summary of the steps).

When the White Book mentions 'facing resentments' as part of recovery, it seems to me that it is as part of a process. The steps before the 4th are quite simple, yet often not as straightforward as we make them, early on. For example, simply having a true emunah in Hashem as any yid - particularly an educated and practicing one - must have, is not necessarily even scratching the surface of Step 2, or 3. In my recovery it seems plain that my working the 1st, 2nd and 3rd steps must begin to change me. After that, looking closely at my resentments and other character defects will bear tremendous fruit. But in my experience, looking at my defects before working the first three steps is just more self-analysis. I remain at the helm, no matter how much emunah I have brought to the table with me. And I was at the helm when the ship strayed way off course repeatedly and for decades....uh oh.

In other words: If acceptance of my own inability to stop lust behaviors on my own (step 1); my reliance upon Hashem to save me from myself and help me heal a bit just for today (step 2); and my comfort with Hashem as my own personal Master and Best Friend (step 3) are not significantly different than what I had before (while I lived with all that crazy behavior), then I see no reason to expect I will succeed at living life differently. If anything, Recovery is simple - but not easy. And early on, it is truly "rachok m'tziyur sichleinu" (far from our imagination)!

It all depends on what we want: more of the same but with "a deeper awareness" and "more control", or a different life - one free of lust as a destructive force. If I want more of the same but with more "understanding", I will read through the steps and think them over. That's all. The only way my life changed was by working the steps in order, though very imperfectly. I needed the help of others to do this. I found people near me who have been this way before in the "gan ham'vucha", whom I could talk to, practically daily. The benefit was - and is - incredible. It made no difference for me if they were yiddin or goyim - the only real issue for success was the simplicity and honesty of my faith, not what I have faith in, at all. I hope you get my meaning here.

If meetings are impossible, perhaps you can get a sponsor - a real live one. After all, your problem isn't virtual... you gotta trust someone. Your Father wants you to go only for the bulls-eye. There is a price to pay for that, and it may not be attainable behind a screen.

788.

Monday ~ 25 Sivan, 5770 ~ June 7, 2010

In Today's Issue

Attitude Tip of the Day: Don't be Afraid NOT to be Afraid
Therapy Tip of the Day: Changes in Recovery
Daily Dose of Dov: Where is the Desperation?

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Attitude Tip of the Day

Don't be Afraid Not to be Afraid

"daat" writes on the forum for the first time:

I "stumbled" onto this site a few days ago. I'm 3 days clean. Something seems more serious after finding this site. There's no high from being clean yet at this time. Actually, I'm feeling scared. Not scared of Hashem, "scared" like for my life. With this stuff I always struggled alone. Please let me know somebody's out there.

"Me" (an old-timer on the GYE forum) welcomes "daat":

You should know that there is probably not one chiddush that you can tell your new friends here at GYE.

What you may have done, what you were thinking of doing, what you want to do, all of your fears and uncertainties. We know them all.

You need to realize that you are not really being overpowered by an array of surprise lust-attacks from the outside, from the inside, from the left side, nor the right side. To make it as simple as possible, you are experiencing only one condition. It is called Lust addiction, with a capital "L". And the #1 cause of this condition is your tests, and trials, your unhappiness with your lot in life, which leads to... "L".

There is so much for you to learn here on GYE. The first thing is to allow yourself the freedom to "open up" and not to hide anything.

First and foremost, please do yourself the biggest favor. Avoid all fears and worries. These are the number #1 killers, which only lead to more lust seeking. Even though you may feel "afraid" that.... if "I am not afraid, I won't be on guard,", or, "If I don't immerse myself into worry, I may do something irresponsible...." All these kind of thoughts are rubbish; it is the mental talk of the big Yetzer Hara. He knows that this will only keep you where you are. He wants you to continue to eat yourself up alive.

Please remember, Hashem is here with you, He really is. And He wants you to grow. Ease up a bit and trust in Hashem... these are the first steps.

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Therapy Tip of the Day

Changes in Recovery

Below is a page from a book called "Facing the Shadows" by Partick Carnes on sexual addiction. It charts some of the vital changes in thinking/life-style that an addict needs to undergo in recovery. It was sent to me by the therapist Zeva Citronnenbaum, who leads an anonymous phone conference for some of the guys on GuardYourEyes. (See this page for more info on Zeva's group).

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

Where is the Desperation?

Dov responds to someone who asks if he can work the 12-Steps on his own:

I am a nobody. The guys who wrote AA would also admit they are nobodies, I think. All we have to offer is our own experience, nothing more. Because of what I have seen and experienced in recovery so far, I have accepted that as soon as I set myself up as some sort of "expert" on recovery, I am in big trouble. So, may Hashem save me from the Yetzer Hara to make pronouncements like piskei Halacha or medical decisions, regarding Recovery. The only Recovery I know anything about is my Recovery! And it basically boils down to letting G-d into my life, because I came to see that I have made a royal mess of my life doing it my way. The constant, bitter struggle. It gets quite romantic after a while, but goes nowhere. In my case it only got worse, in the long run. I believe that I failed miserably at it primarily because I was doing the Recovery stuff my way, too! How can a "chavush matir es atzmo mibeis ha'asurim - a prisoner release himself from prison"? For me (and many others I have met), learning to live a new kind of life was only possible with outside assistance. Particularly when it comes to lust and sex, my judgment was just plain ruined. Perverted, to be more exact. It's still a bit goofy, though getting better along with everything else be"H. But I digress...

So, who am I (or is anyone, I wonder) to tell you that it is simply not possible to work the 12-steps on your own? Just because I couldn't is no proof that you can't succeed that way. But please bear in mind that your true emotional motivation for why one chooses to do recovery work without a group may matter.

The main issue to my heart is this: Where is the desperation? If one had cancer, would they change their schedule to make treatments? Would they meet with face-to-face doctors, or would they really be satisfied with web or phone meetings alone, for their treatment decisions? When I came to SA, I was not itching to "finally" join a 12-step group. I just saw that my life was not working at all and it was gonna get only worse on my present course - and my present course was by far the very best I could muster! I needed help. It was a priority. It was not a luxury. I was dying.

No judgmentalism here. I just hope to G-d that the people who have valid reasons for going it alone are not doing it that way out of emotional convenience. Indeed, most of us are terrified walking into our first meetings - even the guys who want to go. Why? I believe it is shame. Shame in admitting who we are, in the faces of other real people. It means the game is over.

I may have the "right" to use weak tools like only my own judgment or perhaps the help of a person who can't see my face when I talk... but what would my wife and children have said about me choosing second-rate treatment for a thing that may destroy their lives?

I am really not judging, just hoping this issue is considered in the soup.

And I still feel it may be possible for one to work the steps successfully without a group. But I can't relate to it because of what I experienced, that's all. But I'm a nobody!!

789.

Tuesday ~ 26 Sivan, 5770 ~ June 8, 2010

In Today's Issue

Story of the Day: The Discovery that I was Capable of Restraint
Quote of the Day: Innocence? No Thanks.
Daily Dose of Dov: What a Therapist Can't Provide

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Story/Testimonial of the Day

The Discovery that I was Capable of Restraint

"SilentBattle" is one of the most active and inspiring members on our forum for the past half a year or so. In honor of his recent engagement, he sent us his inspiring story about his journey to recovery. Besides for being able to learn a lot from his story, we all need to learn from his selfless dedication to helping others. He literally spends hours posting chizuk to other struggling members almost every day!

Thank you SilentBattle, and a big MAZAL TOV! May you build a true Bayis Ne'eman bi'Yisrael.

I grew up in a frum family, relatively Yeshivish, though I did watch movies occasionally. I went through standard adolescent turbulence but turned out OK, boruch Hashem. I learned in Yeshiva for a bunch of years, and enjoyed learning. However, from the time I was young, I had a major issue with being mz"l (masturbation). When I was younger, I would buy magazines, and more recently, I used online porn.

Then, a few years ago, things got worse. Much worse. With shidduchim not going well, and most of my friends married, I felt very alone, and I actually began meeting live women to satisfy my emotional and physical "needs." This went on for a while. I knew it was wrong, it went against everything I knew; everything I wanted to be. Occasionally I would stop. I'd delete my email account, erase all the numbers of the women I'd known... but it only lasted for a while. There was a part of me that wished I would get caught, because I knew that despite the suffering and embarrassment that it would cause, it would be worth it if it got me to stop this terrible behavior. However, I couldn't actually bring myself to say anything to my Rebbe. I couldn't even bring myself to daven for my Rebbe to find out.

But I guess Hashem heard my heart's prayers, even if I couldn't articulate them. My Rebbe did find out, and he confronted me. He recommended that I use GuardYourEyes, along with therapy.

My first goal was to put an end to my unhealthy relationships, which I did immediately. When my therapist recommended though, that I practice complete abstinence, including masturbation, I wasn't sure. After all, that wasn't the main problem, and I honestly didn't think I'd be able to handle it. For years, I'd never been able to stop my practice of being mz"l for any appreciable amount of time. But I figured I'd try it.

I signed up for the 90 day chart, a bit skeptical. I started keeping a journal on the forum of my thoughts, my progress and the tests I was facing. I read about other people's tests on the website and forum, and I began learning different approaches to this battle. Perhaps most importantly, I felt part of something special. Here was a group of people, possibly the only one in the world, fighting against this. When I had a victory, there were people who rejoiced along with me. When I was having trouble seeing things clearly, there were people to help guide me. When I was feeling down, there were members of the forum that encouraged me, let me know that they cared, let me know they were there for me. And slowly, slowly... it worked. I showed up by my next therapy session and realized that I'd been clean for a week! The weeks passed, and I'd been clean for a month! I was shocked!

I'd learned something important - I was capable of restraint. Masturbation was NOT something that I needed to be happy. In fact, I found myself feeling happier, more satisfied and more fulfilled without it. And whenI shared this with everyone on the forum, they celebrated along with me in this too.

The months passed, and I learned more about myself. Looking back now after being clean for more than half a year, it's trulyincredible. I've done things I never thought I'd be able to accomplish. I've completely stopped all my lust-motivated behaviors! And in retrospect, I feel that maybe Hashem put me into the situation I was in, so that now, I could end up even healthier than I was before; with the capacity to truly feel good about myself, without feeling any hypocrisy, and without having my own self-pleasuring and fantasies get in the way of real relationships in my life. And most of all, to finally be able to connect with Hashem in a true way. I don't think it's any accident that my learning has improved so dramatically since I got clean.

I put all dating on hold, while I worked on getting clean. After being clean for several months, I began dating again. B"H, the very first girl I dated, I became engaged to. This was partially due to my new, healthier outlook, both towards life in general and towards myself. But I am absolutely certain that it was also Hashem's immediate response to my Teshuva.

I also have no doubt that I would not be where I am today without the help of all the amazing people on GYE. I can never fully express my thanks.

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Quote of the Day

Innocence? No Thanks.

In response to someone who writes how they wish they could go back to the innocence of their youth, "Letakein", who is clean for almost a year through our network, writes:

I don't even wish I was ever innocent.

"WHAT?? ARE YOU CRAZY, OFF YOUR ROCKER, COMPLETELY TURKEY JERKY BEZERKY?"

Nope!

I just really think that this whole addiction ended up being good for me. You know why? It made me think. It made me aware of my effort to be good. It made me LIVE and not just go through life. IT MADE ME talk to Hashem cuz no one else could possibly understand me. It made me be good because I TRIED SO HARD, and not just because it was in my personality. It made me proud of who I am.

And I would never, ever give that up.

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

What a Therapist Can't Provide

Someone claimed that it might be a Chillul Hashem to join a live SA group, being that he is a Marbitz Torah and a Mashpiah Ruchni... He asks Dov if 'therapy' and working the 12-Steps alone could be enough. Dov responds:

For me, live people were and are le'ikuva (extremely important). But our goals may be very different. Mine was to not stay sick, and actually become free of lust as a guiding force in my life. I finally saw that I had no clue how to do that, as I had been trying for years and only got worse. I needed direction, so I went to a therapist and she told me that I needed something she could not provide: actual recovering people. I found that although I needed a therapist, above anyone else I trusted other regular people - who were as messed up as I was and got better - to show me the way. Shrinks gave me promises, but recovering addicts showed me results. That is how I viewed it. So I went to SA meetings, as she suggested. Seeing the therapist was very helpful for my first year in recovery, and I truly wish you the best with a therapist if that is what you can do right now.

Should that not do the trick, and you (or the shrink) feel that live groups may be needed for you to actually get better, here is one consolation: You don't need to join a group in a Jewish neighborhood. Do you think whatever is wrong with you is something only a yid could understand? If you do, then I may have another consolation for you: I know of no yid who got better in recovery that needed a yid to help him get better. None. True, some guys feel squeamish or unable to open up to a goy, but they soon discover that it's just ga'ava or an inflated sense of terminal uniqueness that was holding them back. In your case, it seems that a yid is the one person you are trying to avoid due to chillul Hashem. I understand that.

But here is my parting message about chillul Hashem. And I mean it in the deepest respect to you:

What gives you the idea that you will not get caught in some sort of trouble and bring a tremendous chillul Hashem, R"l, without any "outside" help? I do not know the details of exactly what you do in you acting out behaviors, but surely it is something that needs to be hidden... and people are getting caught doing all kinds of embarrassing stuff all the time! Just read the paper, web, etc.

Do you really believe you are different? I respect your opinion if you do, but I just feel I need to ask! I admit I don't know many facts about you, and they are none of my business, either! Just bringing it up for you...

790.

Wednesday ~ 27 Sivan, 5770 ~ June 9, 2010

In Today's Issue

Filter Tip of the Day: Accountability - A Word from Rabbi Berkovitz
Testimonial of the Day: Almost Two Years
Spiritual Tip of the Day: Confess Right Away
Daily Dose of Dov: Romantic Struggle vs. What Hashem Really Wants

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Filter Tip of the Day

Accountability

From the Hamodia "Magazine", June 3, 2010

www.webchaver.org

Rav Yochanan Ben Zakai blessed his students, "May your fear of heaven be equal to your fear of man". And his students asked him: "Rebbe, is that all?". And he answered: "Halevai!".

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Testimonial of the Day

Almost Two Years

"Jack" wrote today:

Hello everyone. I don't get a chance to post anymore, but today I finally have a chance. I don't have internet at home, so I have to post from the library. I had internet for a little while because someone in my house needed it, but I got rid of it as soon as I could.

So, it is almost 2 years clean for me. This Elul will be 2 years, b'ezras Hashem. I got my start on GYE and my life is totally better. I hope all of you can join me! Life is SO much better. What a changed man I am! I'm learning better, and more. I don't feel that strong pull that I used to feel. Please, chevra, I beg you from my heart, please get this thing under control!! Get a sponsor, call him 10 times a day if need be (just in the beginning) and read my recovery story. I usually don't talk much about myself, but for this it's worth it!

Elul is just around the corner - take the bull by the horns and run!

Just one thought - the 3 weeks are coming - and Moshiach is not here yet. What can we do to bring him? Love EVERY yid like yourself!

Keep the battle going!

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Spiritual Tip of the Day

Confess Right Away

"30Years" writes:

I was an addict for thirty years and I was saved through a neder, like a nazir.

I believe that a lust addict can be modeled effectively almost as a person with multiple personalities. Usually he believes he is a tzadik, and he feels bad about his "bad habit." When he is staring at an erva and sinning, he continuously chooses to keep doing it. That is a rasha, not a tzadik. He is a rasha who wishes he were a tzadik.

The brain has separate pathways that support those two personalities. You need to keep your thoughts off the bad pathways long enough to build new ones to replace the ones that you don't want. For example, I used to sin when I was stressed out at work. You cannot choose your way out of that behavior. You need help.

Help for me came in the form of a neder. I realized that the entry point into my rasha brain was the initial lewd thought, the second look at a woman, etc. While I had on my tzadik personality, I made a neder that I would do teshuva for the thought by confessing out loud, and I would do it ASAP (usually for teshuva there is time, but not for sex addicts.) Over several years, this starved the rasha's brain and gave a chance to the tzadik to build acceptable reactions and behaviors. Today I do not have the same impulses I used to have.

If you go this way, I would suggest making it a short neder first to try it out, and if it works for you, then when it expires you can make a new one. You may notice an increase in inappropriate thoughts at first, but the neder will also give you the ability to fulfill it. (Don't forget to allow for times that you are not allowed to speak, such as davening and any other time the halacha requires you to be quiet).

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

Romantic Struggle vs. What Hashem Really Wants

In response to the question of whether going to the Mikva wipes away the sin after a fall, Dov writes:

The entire flavor of my relationship with Hashem before recovery was one of drama. "I want to do better! I want to stop!" ... then I'd act out and come back to Him saying, "Take me back!! Please take me back!"... and he'd take me back, I guess... Then I'd feel deep feelings of "deveikus" - not just plain avodas Hashem, mind you, but deep stuff!

It was either a profound and supercharged relationship with Hashem, or I was a pathetic dirt-bag a billion miles from him because of disgusting acting out, begging to come back - and He'd take me back, of course!

This pattern, romantic as it is, is not what I see Hashem wants from me. While it may be a nice theatre for enactment of many basic Torah and Teshuva concepts, I am now out of the "holy struggle Petri dish" and into real life. Real life is more normal, more even keeled, and more meaningful - though not nearly as shockingly exciting. But Hashem didn't hire us to have excitement or fun - it's only about doing His Will plainly and simply.

The mikvah itself has little to do with this, but I see that it was definitely a big part of my secret, sick adventure. The total, cheap, taharah that it offers is a nice comeback to the horrifying acting out I obviously thought I could afford to do back then. No more.

I still go to the mikvah, and am trying kavonos that I am learning for it, as well, be"H. But it is no longer a counterbalance to my sickness. It is no longer a tool I use for tolerating a lifestyle of horrifying tum'ah. Instead, it's a gift I give to Him - a pure body to daven to Him with!!

Finally it is a wholesome pleasure. Thanks to G-d.

791.

Thursday ~ 28 Sivan, 5770 ~ June 10, 2010

In Today's Issue

Personal Victory of the Day: Dead Money - A Story of Courage
Elya's Phone Conference: Join Tonight!
Battle Communication: A Newcomer Welcomes a Newcomer
Daily Dose of Dov: Feeling Miserable is Useless

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Personal Victory of the Day

Dead Money

A Story of Courage

We received this e-mail today from someone in England who we've been helping over the past few months:

It's in times of courage that I remember to send you an e-mail...

The Chizuk e-mails that I receive each day help me loads, and B"H things have picked up, and I can't stop thanking Hashem for helping me overcome lust in some nearly impossible situations. I'm the head of a company and we got a new, attractive sales-worker a few months ago, and I had many difficult battles with myself not to offer money for any stupid things that I would regret afterwards. B"H, I succeeded in holding myself back with a lot of self-control and siyatah dishmayah.

But it was so hard that at one point, I ordered some illicit pleasures out of my area. But as I made the reservation, I called my Chavrusah (who doesn't even know about my dark side and my hidden struggles), and I texted him that I have been up to no good and that he should make sure I stay in area that night. After texting him and feeling completely humiliated, I had the courage to cancel the service I had booked.

The next day, I took the 200 Pounds I was going to spend, and I splurged on bicycles and toys for my two kids....

Then last night, which was a few weeks later, I stumbled on to a bad website and saw lust that offered the best of this world for 250 Pounds. Having made 700 Pounds cash profit that day from two deals, it was too hard to resist and I signed up.

This time, I was too ashamed to tell my Chavrusah. I went into the Carmel shop to stock up on some treats for the enjoyment, and I bumped into a neighbor. I offered him a ride home, asking him how his kids are doing. He tells me his kid has been in a London hospital for over 3 weeks with multiple infections, and he tells me how hard it is, etc.

And I looked at this guy with three young kids, holding his Talis in his hands, and I thought to myself how amazing it is that he stays Erlich (upright) and strong in his Emunah despite it all... He told me how he hasn't had a warm supper in a long time, as his wife and kid have been now three weeks in hospital, and his other kids are sleeping out all over...

When we got home, I told him to wait a moment; I went inside, took out 200 Pounds from my pocket, went out and said, "Here you go; have a chill, treat yourself to some goodies".

He was shocked and told me that Bikkur Cholim would be just fine and that there was no need, etc. I replied that it's dead money, "take it now, and quick" (dead money means, that if you don't take it, it would go to bad places), and I rushed off.

Feeling all shaken by what I had done, I burst out crying, as it was from deep in my heart and it was extremely emotional.

I was still not happy that I had 50 Pounds of the money I was going to use, so I just chucked the remaining 50 Pounds into his mail box and ran off....

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Elya's Phone Conference

Elya, who moderates the U.S GYE hotline and one of the anonymous phone conferences, wrote today to his contact list:

I don't know if you saw Jack's post in the Chizuk email yesterday, but he is celebrating two years of sobriety very soon.

All it took for Jack to get started, was one phone call to the phone conference, where he was told that when you succeed in abstaining for 90 days it will get much easier. It's now been 2 years since he stopped going to places and doing things that were against his personal values. This was without live SA groups, therapy or anything. He is a very strong person indeed.

However Jack did one thing which kept him sober, and that is, he made phone calls to a sponsor once a week, sometimes 3-4 times a week - when he was feeling weak, when he wanted to return to his addictive ways of soothing his bruised self.

Imagine what you can do for yourself when you participate in a group with supporters and friends whose sole purpose in life is to help you succeed. People who are willing to share and listen when you need... someone just to listen.

This is what our group offers, and I invite you to join us, not only to help yourself, but to helpothers as well by being on the calls and participating. I'm open to whatever you want to discuss or any suggestions for giving us all the maximum benefit from the experience.

Please join us on our call at 9 PM (Eastern time) TONIGHT.

Tel: 712-429-0690

PIN# 225356

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Battle Communication

A Newcomer Welcomes a Newcomer

"1daat" welcomes a "Halevi":

Welcome Halevi. First, you are not a bad Jew. Hashem created T'shuvah even before Torah - not for the zaddik gamur. He made it for us struggling yiddin, who love Hashem and long for Him with such ferocity that we cry ourselves to sleep sometimes.

Next, you will learn here that Hashem does not negate a mitzvah for an aveira. Keep on being as frum as you can. It matters.

Finally, I just learned these things the other day and they've really helped me:

1) Talk to Hashem all day long. About the littlest things - "Thank you Hashem for my forgetting my teffilin so I could ask another man to borrow his teffilin, humble myself and give the other guy the opportunity to do a great mitzvah." .... "Thank you for the smile the boss gave me." All day long, just talk to Him.

2) Watch for Hashgach u'pratis all day long, the little tiny ones.

3) Post a lot on this forum. One of my biggest problems has been the big secret/lie. So I post a lot to constantly know I'm not alone, and that other guys care in a big unselfish way that I can be clean, bright and shiny.

You have taken such an enormous step by joining our most earnest group of G-d fearing and G-d loving Yiddin. You are off to a great, sincere start that was difficult to make. Hashem made us with imperfections so we could know Teshuva and the sweet suffering and joy that goes with it.

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

Feeling Miserable is Useless

"DovekBashem" writes:

I am down in the dumps again. I fell again today (and last night) and just feel like I have no control over my own body or my own life. I know that G-d is watching this whole thing and I can't help but wonder why, if he hates it as much as I do, why he doesn't stop me before I go too far.

Right now, I feel like I'm doomed to porn and m**bation forever... Like I will have no choice but lie to my wife and children (when I someday have them) and to keep pretending to my friends and family. But, in the back of my mind, I know that I am wrong. I believe I will have my 90+ clean streak. All I have to do is keep working on it. Keep picking up my head, smiling to G-d, and telling G-d that even if it looks like He doesn't want a relationship with me - I won't take 'no' for an answer!

Dov Responds:

You're awesome and beautiful, in my opinion. Please hang in there, never lose hope, and consider focusing at all times on what it is that you are supposed to be doing right now - what is useful. Thinking about "how things are" is just plain useless for me 99% of the time, so I try to avoid it except at certain times and/or when I see that it is likely to bear fruit. And only for a short amount of time, too.

I'm serious. All the cheshbonos about how miserable we are feeling - even if it isn't technically "self-pity" - is usually just useless and so silly. And for us addicts, it's very poisonous. Yes, it feels so normal and even so very important... but it is a lie. It doesn't help. It's just another lie we all seem to get used to. And therefore, like the others, it is painful to break free of it. The pain when avoiding it tends to be misconstrued by our chickeny hearts as proof that we need it - yet another lie...

This is not a sermon, this is how I live. And I'd never be able to remain in recovery today without it.

792.

Friday ~ 29 Sivan, 5770 ~ June 11, 2010

In Today's Issue

Parsha Talk - Korach: Watcha Lookin' at, Man?
Testimonial of the Day: GYE = Loving All Yidden
Attitude Tip of the Day: What is the Ikkar of Marriage?
Daily Dose of Dov: Can't Sharing be a Trigger?

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Parsha Talk: Korach

Whatcha Lookin' at, Man??

By "Bardichev"

This week's Parsha tells the story of the personal destruction of Korach.

Korach, as we all know, was no small street fighter; he was a Gadol of great proportions.

So for me and my little American head to say "pshat" in Korach is almost silly.

But the Torah and chaza"l want us to "learn" from Korach. So what can we learn?

Rashi says that Korach was a pike'ach - a smart man; why did he choose this stupidity?

One reason: It was jealousy.

In another place Rashi says, "EINAV HITAASO - his eyes fooled him".

Hello gang!!! Write this down. If you are driving, pull over.

DO YOU HEAR? HIS EYE FOOLED HIM!!!!

(What are you screaming about, bards??)

Korach was a wise man.

Even a wise person can be fooled by what he sees.

The issues we face in the area of lust almost always begin with HISTAKLUS - GAZING.

So why don't we take a lesson from Korach?

One little peek... one blikk... one click... is EINAV HITAASO!!!!

We are fooled into thinking that we must lust.

Yes, we are duped into thinking that someone else's is better than mine.

And once that happens, we can use all the mussar and all the sechel and all the psychology in the world, but it won't work against "shtuss zeh - this stupidity".

Why? Cuz we are fooled!!!

As we say in business,

"If you were ripped off once, nu, it was a mistake.

But a second time? You are a idiot."

So as I asked in the topic's name,

Whatcha lookin' at, man??

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Testimonial of the Day

GYE = Loving All Yidden

By "Yosef Hatzadik"

A while ago I noticed that GYE is helping my Ahavas Yisroel. How? Well, I know that the vast majority of GYE'ers don't come from the same background as I do. They aren't part of the same segment of Klal Yisroel as I am. Since my only connection with them is through striving toward a shared goal, there is only love in my heart toward them. Then, upon meeting Yidden from other segments, like the Modern-Orthodox community, etc. I found myself thinking, "who knows if this guy isn't one of my friends from GYE?" This thought expanded into liking those Yidden too!

Recently I started thinking, why should this love only extend towards people who are more modern than me? Why not also in the other direction? With this thought, I started thinking that I ought to love those ultra chasidishe people who I disliked for their closed mindedness, etc.. (Most people tend to think of themselves as well balanced. Anyone who does more than me is overdoing it; whoever does less than me in avodas Hashem is slacking off, C"V :-))

Thank you for this added benefit of Ahavas Yisrael that I received through your holy work!

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Attitude Tip of the Day

Einav Hita'aso:

What is the Ikkar of Marriage?

Someone posted on the "Married Men's Forum":

(This forum is visible only to married men.

Send us an e-mail if you are married and would like access):

My wife is overweight and it's depressing. It really bothers me. (1) Is it possible to change the reality in my mind, and make myself think she is beautiful? (2) How can I at least grow from this nissayon? What is my avodah? To thank Hashem and accept it without knowing why this is my lot?

I actually spoke to Rabbi Arush (author of "Garden of Peace") in Israel and asked him for advice for my stress about this problem. All he said was "ze shtooyot" - "that is nonsense", and that if my wife would be pretty, then everyone would look at her and talk about her, and it would cause me a lot of stress too.Although I love his book and respect him tremendously, I am searching for a better answer - a solution.

Steve Replies:

Based on Rav Arush's amazing book, I think that when he said "zeh shtuyot", he meant basically that the ikkar of marriage is NOT what goes on in the bedroom. The ikkar is the EMOTIONAL and SPIRITUAL bond you can create between yourself and your wife, whom Hashem chose for you, who happens to be the other half of your neshoma.

Rav Dessler points out that LOVE is formed NOT from GETTING, but from GIVING.

Stop being selfish and self-focused and self-absorbed, stop doing things for your wife IN ORDER to get something physical from her. Stop focusing on her shortcomings, on her not giving to you what you think you deserve or expect. Stop thinking you deserve a different, more attractive wife, stop living with the expectation that your wife should look like someone else's wife or one of your fantasy movie stars, and resenting her for not living up to YOUR selfish expectations. And open up your Emunah to realize Hashem runs your life, and has given you this special woman for a purpose, for you to learn what's important in life. In short, GROW UP and be a MAN.

Start thinking of HER first, as a person. Put away ulterior motives. Stop trying to control her and your marriage in general. Be a GIVER, not a taker. Let sex become a preference, not an expectation.

1) Make a detailed list of ALL her good qualities. Do not dwell on anything negative. Concentrate and review and edit this list as you start noticing more things. make daily notes in your mind and then on paper when you see or hear of her goodness taking care of the home, kids, volunteering, chesed, baking for simchos, etc. See how she understands and deals with the kids much better than you do.

2) Look for and really FEEL her pain. Her happiness is in YOUR hands. Have you been letting her and HKB"H down somehow in your responsibility to make her happy, to be there emotionally for her? Think, be creative to figure out or ASK her what you can do to make her life easier. Wash the dishes, do the laundry, clean the toilets and wash the floors before Shabbos. Take the kids for a walk to the park to give her a rest. SHOW HER YOU CARE ABOUT HER, without ANY ulterior motives or agendas other than to GIVE to HER and MAKE HER HAPPY. No physical expectations at all. Make your relationship all about HER, and not all about YOU.

3) Spend TIME with her. Go for walks, not just to get healthier, but cuz it gives you alone time together. Play backgammon or Bananagrams (oh, please don't let her know that you MAKE SURE she wins more than you do). Initiate date nights where you both get out by hiring a babysitter. COMMUNICATE, try to get back to that sweet relationship you had when you were courting, or between the engagement and the wedding. Really CARE about her day, her feelings, and ASK, get to know the woman behind the choices she makes. And SHARE your feelings and trials with life and YOUR decisions, but always AVOID criticizing or condemning her. You don't have to discuss your addiction, but you can discuss your successes or anxieties with bosses, chavrusas, etc.

4) ABOVE ALL, BE HONEST and considerate of her feelings. NEVER criticize her or mention her shortcomings or even hint at faults. RESPECT HER and HONOR HER, do not belittle or treat her as a child. She is extremely sensitive, very intuitive (she can tell when you are faking it), and yearns for your love and respect.

5) Buy her gifts that will enhance her self esteem - jewelry for her ears and neck especially, a sheitel, or beautiful snoods etc., which will add to her beauty in your eyes from the chest up. Give her money if possible to buy something nice for herself, like a beautiful and flattering Shabbos Robe or outfit that will automatically encourage her to dress and make-up better. (And don't be stupid enough to suggest it yourself.) Then make sure you look her right in the eyes and TELL her how beautiful she looks in it, and PROVE it by going on a shabbos walk or visit - the more beautiful she is, the more time you want to spend with her, and she'll feel like you want to show her off. Build her self esteem, and she'll want to become healthier in mind and body on her own.

6) Eventually, the magic will happen, sometimes sooner, sometimes later. But it WILL happen that you will start to see and appreciate her NOT as your physical partner, but as the beautiful neshoma that she is. She will appreciate the new and better husband you will become, the more involved father, the closer friend, and her love for you will increase. You will begin to see her inner beauty, and the pleasure and purpose of your marriage will make your home a pleasant place, a place of contentment. You will be able to see what is truly attractive about her, and you will love and care about her more than you care about yourself.

That is the goal and that is our Avodah. And sometimes it takes a wife who we don't feel so physically attracted to - in order to learn these deep lessons of life.

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

Can't Sharing Be A Trigger?

Someone asked Dov:

The GYE partner Gabai set me up with a partner... I gather that we're supposed to tell each other exactly what we we're thinking and want to do in our lusty moments (I got that from your posts). My question is, if we're at the same level, is there not a danger that we could trigger each other?

Dov Replies:

Thanks for asking. Well, if a guy is sharing his craziness with me in such a way that it's clear that he is using me to help himself surrender, it's rare for me to get triggered. Actually, his shedding of shame and prioritizing honesty will help me to do the same when I need to, rather than hold onto 'privacy' (secrecy!) and "struggle with it" it out of 'self-respect' (shame!)... After all, for me, Lust is not purely a moral issue that I can really successfully control anyway, is it? I am sick in the head, body, and heart. So that shame just has to go anyway! It is priority #1. And what better way to get past it than admitting my sickness fully, whenever possible, by helping someone else do the same?

On the rare occasion that I do get triggered, I stop the guy and tell him that I am getting triggered and have to stop listening to the details - I usually ask him to keep talking but just leave out the gory details. And that usually works fine for him, cuz it is about taking the actions needed to admit the truth - not necessarily being heard by any particular person, it seems.

(Disclaimer: Sometimes people can sense that the person who is sharing is not breaking through shame at all, rather, it seems that they are actually engaging in a type of creepy 'exposure', advertisement, or showing off. Just because admitting the unadulterated truth about ourselves to another is in our best interest, does not make it into a 'rite of passage' or gang initiation, and it is certainly not a badge of honor. It is just the truth and need not be made a big deal of. I have gotten the creepy feeling (rarely) in meetings - and I walk out. Or if it's on the phone, I just stop them or take the phone away from my ear. Depending on the relationship we have, it may or may not be possible to talk about the problem when I sense it.)

So, it is not a complicated issue. Just do what your heart tells you and daven to Hashem for a straight heart.

793.

Sunday ~ 1 Tamuz, 5770 ~ June 13, 2010
Rosh Chodesh Tamuz

In Today's Issue

Announcement 1: Welcome To My Partner!
Announcement 2: The Launch of Dov's Virtual SA Group
Saying of the Day: By Yehoshua
Attitude Tip of the Day: Readjusting Our Focus
Daily Dose of Dov: Quality Not Quantity

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Two happy announcements in honor of Rosh Chodesh

Announcement 1

Welcome to My Partner

Hodu La'Hashem Ki Tov

Shehecheyanu Vekimanu Lazman Hazeh

Today, on Rosh Chodesh Tamuz, almost three years since the launch of GuardYourEyes (on 22 Tamuz, 5767), I am no longer working alone. I now have a partner working alongside me. He is an addiction therapist and a senior advisor to the Israeli government on Chareidi Kid's at Risk. He has worked closely with Rav Noach Weinberg from Aish HaTorah, R' Berel Wein from the Destiny foundation, and Rebbetizn Jungreis. He is a man who believes strongly in changing the world. Lately, he has been working with an organization called "Matan" with kids at risk in 15 different cities in Israel. In his search for resources to deal with the prevalent problem of lust addiction, he came across GuardYourEyes a few months ago and got in touch with me. After being extremely impressed by what we have to offer, our success record, and in our vision for expansion, he decided to start helping me with his professional advice. Together, we drew up a strategic plan for growth. He helped me plan the recent trip to the States, on which he joined me for 10 days. Today he took the big step of cutting down his previous job to "half a day" and joining me at GuardYourEyes for the second half. We are now partners in this project, with him acting as "Executive Director" of GYE, while I am (or remain) the Project Manager. Of-course, GYE is - and always was - Hashem's PROJECT, and He is the boss of us both. (We consider ourselves just workers here :-).

So we invite you too, to join us in making the world a better place, one Jew at a time: Starting with YOU.

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Announcement 2

Announcing the Launch of Dov's Virtual SA Group

Dov (from the "Daily Dose of Dov"), who is sober for 13 years in SA, would like to help moderate a new little board on the forum with restricted access, for those who want to have a sort of "virtual SA" fellowship of folks who are trying to stay clean and 'grow up' using the steps in a simple way. (Note: It will not work for everybody and there will be no police).

Membership means abiding by the following 10 agreements:

1 - With the help of Hashem, this group will use any 12-Step framework that we choose to help us work the steps. It can be through reading the Big Book and the SA White-Book (both of which are downloadable from this page of our website), or if you are a member of one of GYE's 12-Step phone conferences, or if you are part of a live SA group. Regardless of what framework you are using for learning about the steps, the members of this board will work the 12-Steps, one at a time, in order, as simply as possible, in a gut-exposed way, holding nothing back from the other group members. (After all, if there is even too much shame on line, how will we ever let go of that burden in person?). The group will start from step #1, but you can be holding on a different schedule in your own 12-Step groups, and still be able to use this board as a supplement to your own program. Where necessary, Dov will help each member work the steps by sharing his own experience.

2 - We agree to try and take any reference to our sobriety dates or "day-count clean" out of our communications with other group members. We will try to live one day at a time in every way possible. (In other boards of the forum, we may reference the day count, but it is not advisable. The idea of this system is to help us start to look at things with a new perspective).

3 - We agree to try our best to be totally honest with the entire group about anything and everything; For example, we will share our real first names and what's really going on with us. (Again, if there is even too much shame on line, how will we ever come to let go of that burden and admit it in reality?).

4 - We agree to daven for each other member of this board in every regular tefilloh (whether we like them or not :-)

5 - We agree to keep in touch at least once daily, with at least one other group member in person, by email or by phone.

6 - We agree to take out at least 5 minutes every day to try talk to Hashem - even if we feel it is not "working" (this is an investment for when the 11th step finally starts to "work").

7 - We will not follow a director or a leader, but we are committed to sharing with each other and doing what we feel is in our own best interest at all times - even if that means leaving the group. (If someone decides to leave, no one need ask them "why?" or try to convince them to stay).

8 - We will keep everything that anybody else says in the group private on the rest of the forum. And we will sell no T-shirts identifying ourselves as members of this fuzzy little group in other boards.

9 - We will post at least once a day.

10 - As much as possible, we will try to keep all our posts focused on the solution, not the problem, even if a member had a recent fall. (Members are encouraged to use the rest of the forum to reach out for help with lust - or with falls).

To join this virtual SA group, please send an e-mail to reishischochma1@gmail.com and request access. As soon as we have five members who are ready to abide by the 10 agreements, we will be"H launch this group. (Note: You must already be a member of the forum to request joining to this group. If you haven't signed up to the forum yet, please sign up here).

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Saying of the Day

By Yehoshua

If Hashem has had enough of me, He would take me out of this world. The fact that I am still here means that I still can do a Mitzvah; that there is something good I can do; really good.

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Attitude Tip of the Day

Readjusting Our Focus

On Friday, we brought a post from "Steve" about how we need to learn to see the good in our wives, and focus on being unselfish. We got a lot of good feedback from that post, and in response Steve writes the following:

Guys, it's all in baby steps. One moment, one day at a time.

I had an experience a few Shabbossim ago that I want to share. On the way home from shul Shabbos morning, I saw from not too afar a friend of mine out walking with his wife & kids. His wife is VERY attractive to me, in contrast to my wife who is very overweight. So of course, I started fantasizing about her as I had done in the past, before joining the 12 steps. Then I stopped myself and did like I'm trained now to do, and I asked Hashem, "OK, where are we going with this? What PAIN, i.e. what resentment or fear is going on in the back of my head that is causing this lust hit?" I know that if I refocus on resolving that pain through changing my perspective on it, the lust 'byproduct" will go *poof*.

I was really taken aback when I realized that, honestly, there was NO pain AT THAT MOMENT! I was actually HAPPY, I was not experiencing any pain that could be fueling the lust right then. So then I asked Hashem, "WHY? What was MISSING at that second that made me slip?" And that little quiet voice answered "you should not be thinking about someone else's wife, you should be thinking about your OWN wife. You don't appreciate her enough."

So I immediately began walking home with my eyes focused downward, and my thoughts focused inward, and I started listing my wife's good qualities and thinking about how good she is TO me and FOR me, and with our kids, etc, like I suggested before. I got more and more great feelings of love and respect for her with every step. And as I approached home, I saw her sitting on our front porch waiting for me, and I smiled widely and fell in love with her all over again, literally. I was SOOO HAPPY to see her, and to see that she was WAITING for ME; I was important to HER!! She asked me why I was beaming, and I told her the truth, that it was because I was thinking about how wonderful she is, and then I find her outside looking for me. Imagine how FANTASTIC that made her feel, and how good it felt for ME to be able to give her that joy! We had a VERY sweet, intimate moment right there, just enjoying feeling good together, standing 8 feet apart. I am getting chills even now, just reliving it.

That's what I mean. Absolutely NO physical expectations or agenda. Just GIVING to each other, one precious moment at a time.

Then I realized and THANKED HASHEM for putting Mrs. Skinny-Minny in my path, for me to learn this lesson through. And I realized how close I came to blowing His opportunity to connect with my wife. Imagine how I would have felt and treated my wife if I had spent those previous 2 minutes fantasizing about someone else's wife, then saw mine sitting outside. I would have been resentful, maybe even gruff, as I rushed into the house to avoid the contrast in my brain (as I had done many times previously).

Thank you all for giving me the opportunity to share and relive that.

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

Quality Not Quantity

If "echad hamarbeh ve'echad ha'ma'amit..." ever applied to anything, it applies to recovery: It is quality, not quantity that matters above all. So if, for example, the weekly phone meetings are a big deal for you and you attend them faithfully and try your best to use (work) whatever tools are placed at your disposal, you will get better! There are plenty folks who go to live meetings in person even five times a week - and still do not get better! So, surely the attitude, honesty and desperation are what really matters. The rest is really siyata di'Shmaya!!

794.

Monday ~ 2 Tamuz, 5770 ~ June 14, 2010

In Today's Issue

Attitude Tip of the Day: Running After Thin Air
Testimonial of the Day: Coming Clean
Battle Communication: Think: "What Am I Doing?"
Daily Dose of Dov: The G-d I Know

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Attitude Tip of the Day

Running After Thin Air

"Yosef Hatzadik" writes:

I heard from Rav Osher Zelig Rubinstein, Rosh Yeshiva of Toras Simcha in Yerushalayim:

"America was founded on three universal rights as enumerated in the Declaration of Independence: Life, Liberty, & the Pursuit of Happiness.

Life - They have life,

Liberty - they have liberty,

The Pursuit of Happiness - They are still pursuing it!

They will never find it!

True happiness can only be found in Spirituality!"

The fantasy of the Yetzer Horah is only during the pursuit. There is nothing of substance.

Chazal say: "Hirhurei aveira kashim m'aveira - the thoughts of sin are worse than sin". Why? Because the whole test and struggle is only in the thoughts and in the anticipation. The moment that someone actually does the aveira, it loses its luster. He will already be fantasizing what he can do next to fill the void he feels, because that void that never goes away.

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Testimonial of the Day

Coming Clean

"YuroJew" writes in his first post:

I am very happily married with B"H a house full of children. I have been suffering from a lust addiction for decades, since I was a teenager. I have had my ups and downs. I even looked into joining a 12-Step SA group, but my Yetzer Hara got the better of me convincing myself with various arguments that it wasn't for someone in my life situation. About a year ago, I finally came clean to an old Rebbi of mine who I knew would understand what I was going through. Just coming out and speaking to someone who understood me was a tremendous relief. B"H as a result, I don't think that I have had a major fall since then. But then of course, you know what happens. I joined Facebook for some "work" related project, and lo and behold, who do you think all of my "friends" were? Still, I think that my earlier meeting or my more cognizant awareness that Hashem was watching kept me from the severe falls of the past. Then things weren't working out as planned and I felt the urge to fall overcome me again. I thought I should pick up the phone and speak with my Rebbe, but I was lazy. Then a couple of weeks ago, I stumbled across an outdated link to a post from what looks like the guardyoureyes forum with suggested online shuirim to help with the struggle. I listened to Rabbi Reisman's shuir from Yirmiyahu. It was very encouraging. I went back telling myself that whoever posted this was on to something. It was then that I came across the real guardyoureyes website, which for years is something that I have been searching for. It is truly a lifesaver. Words cannot describe my gratitude to Hashem and to all you guys for the work you are doing. Reading the handbook felt as if a ton of bricks was lifted from me. I felt like the handbook was written all for me. It's like someone was there in my brain and knew exactly what I was going through. I knew that B"H my life was in for a major change. I am almost done my first read through of the book. I joined all of the daily Chizuk emails. Reading them for a couple of days now, I know that this is the place for me. Today I joined the 90 days wall and the forum.

Boruch Shechyanu V'Kiyamonu L'zman HaZeh

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Battle Communication

Think: "What Am I Doing?"

Someone wrote on the forum:

Since my last fall, I can't seem to get back up. I keep falling lower and lower, again and again. I can't stop myself.

"Shnook" replies:

First of all, get out of the house. Go sit somewhere where it's nice in the outdoors, maybe on a park bench watching children.

It's time to have a TIME OUT and CATCH YOURSELF. It's time to think and take stock.

And that's not going to happen unless you MAKE YOURSELF.

Bring along a pen and paper, if it makes it easier.

Think: What am I doing?

What is really important in this world?

Would HaShem give me this Nisayon if I couldn't beat it?

I can do this, I want to do this.

I will not become a slave to my addictions. I am sick and I want to get better.

Then come up with a list of things to stop: Like viewing bad websites, reading inappropriate things that trigger you, watching movies, talking to members of the other gender, looking at them, fantasizing, Mast*, etc.

Now decide, what is the most pressing? Which of these behaviors can I say is the most urgent to be addressed, the main cause of my falls, the real reason I am stuck? You have to stop triggering yourself.

Now set up a small red-line. Just say, Ok, this week I will not go to those news sites, read romance or watch these videos. I WILL NOT.

Do you understand though, that once you set up this line YOU MUST KEEP TO IT?

If you do not keep to it, you will get even more depressed and give up.

Therefore you must recognize the urgency of keeping to it.

You do not want to be lost forever.

You want to beat this.

You don't want to end up married with kids to a good person and still have this problem.

It is IMPERATIVE THAT YOU BEAT THIS!

Please get back on track here, I know you can do it. Don't forget, Elul is approaching and you would like to stand before HaShem saying 'I am working on this, I'm getting somewhere'. You want to feel hopeful and good about yourself, and proud on this day that "YES, unlike other years, I have begun to conquer what I've always promised you, HaShem."

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

The G-d I Know

Someone wrote after a fall:

The charatah is finally kicking in..... I am on the verge of tears.... what will I say to the Borei Olam? What will be left of me?What will I take with me to the next world? Tatte!! "oy lee vay lee... oy lee miyom hadim, oy lee miyom hatocheicha..." I shed many tears today...

Dov Responds:

The G-d I know, patted me on the head one day and helped me see that:

... I need not be afraid of chadrei chadorim any more - because I invite others into it when I openly admit the truth about my behavior in (safe) meetings.

... I need not worry about whether I have charata or not - because the ikkar was 'chosair min haseifer' all the years that I had the charata. Today I've got the ikkar... I am sober today.

... I can really trust Him (at least sometimes!) to give me what I need when I need it. And that includes charata as much as it includes intimacy and sex (and they are both parts of avodas Hashem, so I won't say "l'havdil"...)

... I can't pay much attention to my aveiros - I can look at Hashem instead. (I've embarked on the path of shivisi Hashem lenegdi somid, rather than the path of vechatosi negdi somid. I need to do what works for me.

... When I do what I need to do, Hashem will help me lose the secrets and lies; get the charata; get the love; and be mekayem "vechatosi negdi somid" - somehow too.

... I screwed up running my life, and I even screwed up doing teshuvah - but it's gonna be OK because now I am finally learning how to work for a different Employer than me.

... All the charata and years of sobriety or kedusha in the world is not worth a single moment of comfortable subservience to Hashem's Will. He is the Boss. Once we accept that, He seems to allow all the weight of the garbage to slip off us. We then start to see lust (and our aveiros) as something that doesn't define us any more. We actually grow from it.

And that is the experience of most recovering people I have met.

So take it easy, trust a little, get the heck out of His way, and go one step at a time, chaver.

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Dov Continues:

After re-reading my post, I just wanted to add:

The trick is to accept that this stuff can actually be done incrementally. It's weird, but true. Every addict I know has discovered that he can actually get a little bit better today - even though that seems like we are just being louder hypocrites! But we discover that we aren't hypocrites if we admit that we are just unable to be totally honest, change Employers and finally give our lives to Hashem, etc., etc.... now.

Part of us screams that it's either all or nothing... and that is a lie. So be brave enough to seem hypocritical and take one measly step today with all of us.

795.

Tuesday ~ 3 Tamuz, 5770 ~ June 15, 2010

In Today's Issue

12-Step Workshop With Harvey

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Today I had the unique opportunity to join a 12-Step workshop with Harvey, one of the founders of SA (Sexaholics Anonymous)... He's sober for 26 years from a raging sex addiction that was completely out of control. Harvey is Jewish and semi-religious (he puts on teffilin every day) but he said that he definitely believes in miracles, because splitting the Yam Suf was "easy pickin" compared to G-d getting Him sober :-)

I took some notes from the talks, and I'd like to share some of the wisdom that I heard from him. I may do this over the coming few days, as I type up more of my notes. Here are some of the things he said:

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The 12-Step Program

The 12-Step program is (le'havdil) sort of like Torah she'bichtav and Torah sheba'al peh. The 'bichtav" part of it is the Big book of AA and the White Book of SA (which is a supplement to the Big Book geared towards lust addiction). The "Ba'al Peh" part of it, are the things my sponsors shared with me, and I, in turn, share with my sponsees - and with you here today. Many things we do in the program are based on the oral traditions. They are passed down from sponsor to sponsee.

The program is there to protect me from me. I'm an important person to protect. G-d loves me.

One of my sponsors in AA told me that if they'd invent a pill that would cure alcoholism, he wouldn't take it. Why? Because then he might think he doesn't need the program. You see, Alcoholism, Sexoholism, etc... all these "ISM's" stand for "I", "Self" and "Me". A pill might stop the acting out, but it won't stop the insanity. Addicts think only about themselves.

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Making Fences

There's no such thing as "technical sobriety". I'm either sober or I'm not. And I need to make my own bottom-line boundaries. If I walk in to a porno store, then even if I don't look at anything, I've just lost my 26 years of sobriety. If I walk into a locker room in a health-spa, I've lost my sobriety. If I have sex with my wife twice in one day, I've lost it. Because it means I am using her. Each person has to define their own boundaries. If we know that certain places or behaviors lead us to act out, then we have to make those places or behaviors our bottom line sobriety (meaning that breaking any one of those boundaries means losing our sobriety).

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The Disease

We can't do the first step before we believe "The Doctor's Opinion", and that's why it comes first in the Big Book. The Doctor's opinion says that this is a physical allergy accompanied by a mental obsession.

If we don't believe we have an allergy, how can we be powerless? If it's just a sin, well, we know right and wrong. If I'm a bad person who needs to get good, I'm not powerless. However, if I'm a sick person trying to get well, I'm powerless and can be helped by a power greater than myself.

What makes it a physical disease? There are four chemicals in our brain that are related to addiction: Endorphins - which are like a natural narcotic, Serotonin, Dopamine and Norepinephrine. These chemicals are released through the acting out, and they ingrain addictive pathways in our minds. Patrick Carnes says it takes a full year of not acting out before the brain can begin rewiring healthy pathways. It can take sometimes many years for things that used to be triggers to stop being triggers, and for us to stop noticing everything around us as we used to.

(The program helps us learn what to do about our mental obsession, not about the physical disease.)

We don't necessarily get "drunk" once we're acting out already. Once we decide to open the computer and view porn, we're already "drunk". By the time we get to the porn or mast*, the dopamine in our brains is already being released. Dopamine is a memory-reward chemical that causes us to remember only the good parts of what we did last time. It blocks out the smells, money wasted, time wasted, trouble we caused, etc. from our memory...

It's never enough. In addictions, the dosage needs to get bigger and bigger for us to get the same effect. And that's why it's a progressive disease. In the early days of SA, one of our members had a relapse and began erotic phone calls with a woman. He ended up going down to her house, and when he discovered that she was an old lady, he cut her heart out (murdered her). He was in prison for the rest of his life. This disease is deadly. I have gotten calls from frantic women whose husbands just hung themselves. It will kill us if we don't make recovery our #1 priority.

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Relations

Even though we are called "sexaholics", we are not powerless over sex. We are powerless over lust. When I'm with my wife, I can't allow any fantasies into my head if I want to remain sober. But if I don't have any fantasies, I can't be sure it will work. So before relations, I say the 3^rd step prayer and give it over to G-d. If it works, it works, and if not, not. And all throughout relations, I am talking to G-d. I feel him in my body, flowing through me.

I don't have the powerful climaxes that I used to. I hardly feel it sometimes. But that's Ok. Because if I go up a mountain, I'm going to have to come down. But if I start calm and end calm, I am there for my wife afterward as well, instead of turning around and going to sleep.

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One Day at a Time

If you need the bathroom badly while you're driving and you see a sign that says "1 Mile to Rest Stop", you'll be able to hold back. But if you see a sign that says "15 Miles to Rest Stop", you'd better get out of the car and do it on the side before you have an accident in your pants. Sobriety works the same way. With the help of the group, we don't act out even if our tush falls off - just for 24 hours.

This is not will-power. It's the opposite of will-power. When we get the thought of acting out, we admit our powerlessness. We know we can't do it ourselves, so we pick up the phone and make a call to a fellow member and tell them the truth about what we want to do: "I want to see porn", or "I want to do so and so". But we do this BEFORE we act out, not AFTER.

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Sharing with Others

The disease lives in secrecy. The more secrets, the more insanity; the less secrets, the less insanity.

In religious circles there's a lot of shame, because we think we should be better, so "if I still do these things, I must be bad". We need to understand that although we do shi*y things, we're not sh*t. There's a big difference. We do sick things because we're sick, not bad. We're sick getting well, not bad getting good.

We're so used to shame, that if we try to let go of shame, we feel uncomfortable. Like someone who is used to folding his arms one way, if he tries folding them the other way, he'll want to put his arms back the way he's used to. But if he folds his arms the new way for long enough, he'll get comfortable with that, and the old way will become uncomfortable. It's easier for us to call someone AFTER we fell because we're so used to shame. We're so used to saying to ourselves, "oh, I'm such a bad guy, such a loser, etc..." Instead, we need to get rid of the shame and call BEFORE we act out and admit "I want to look", "I want to act out", etc... That's a lot harder, because we're not used to letting go of shame. We are used to "poor me, poor me... pour me a drink", as they say in AA.

The book "Recovery Continues - The Joy Response" explains that we have a disease that is connected with temptation. We want to drink it in with the eyes. When we call someone and admit that we want to act out, we get a joyous feeling. We are able to transcend the temptation.

All humans have sexual desires. But an addict's natural instincts have gone WILD. When we share our obsession with someone else, it stops it from going wild. A burden shared is half as heavy. My thoughts are so heavy, but once I share them, they are much lighter and not as hard to carry, and then they just leave...

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Truth & Falsehood

My disease lies to me with the truth. It tells me lots of 'true' reasons why I need to do various things that I know could lead to relapse. But I'd rather die than live the way I was living before, so I have to recognize those "truths" as lies.

The disease lives in our heads. When I'm "thinking", I'm behind enemy lines. We need to turn off our minds and listen with our hearts. The truth is not what I tell you, it's what you tell you. When we listen with our hearts, we will hear what G-d wants us to hear.

796.

Wednesday ~ 4 Tamuz, 5770 ~ June 16, 2010

In Today's Issue

12-Step Workshop With Harvey (Part 2)

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Yesterday I had the unique opportunity to join a 12-Step workshop with Harvey, one of the founders of SA (Sexaholics Anonymous)... He's sober for 26 years from a raging sex addiction that was completely out of control.

Yesterday we brought some of the wisdom we heard from him, and today we continue with some of the notes I took at his talk:

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We Have the Tools

In Yiddish there are two words for eating, "Essen" (eat) and "Fressen" (Pig out). In the religious community, we are taught from youth to transcend the "Fressen" by making a Bracha before eating. The Bracha helps us take the animal instinct to a new level. And the Bracha for us is automatic, we don't even need to think, it just comes out of our mouths before we take that first bite.

In the same way, and addict needs to learn to automatically say a prayer each time he gets a lust hit or sees something triggering. It needs to be automatic: "G-d, may I find in you what I seek in that woman", or "G-d, let her be freed from her lust", or "Thank you G-d, for reminding me I'm still an addict".

The religious community has these tools already. We grew up with them. But for some reason there's a "block" that tells us "these tools belong in Religion, not in Addiction". We need to learn to use those same tools in our addiction.

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Keeping It Simple

This is not Talmud. There's no need to figure out our addiction with our heads. We need to listen with our hearts and keep it simple. The disease lives in our head, but the program doesn't work unless it enters our hearts.

The legendary football coach, Vince Lombardi, once gathered his team at half-time when they were doing very poorly and said: "Guys, we need to get back to the basics". And he bent down and picked up a football and said, "This is a football".

Don't think too much. Keep it simple. Just for today, don't do things that lead you to act out - NO MATTER WHAT.

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Euphoric Recall

When we have a lustful memory of something we've seen or done, it's called euphoric recall. That's bad for our disease. But we tend to remember only the good parts. We need to try and remember the bad parts as well, and associate the memory with the bad parts. And the bad parts are the real truth, because if it was so good, why did we need it again so soon afterward? When we eat a good steak, we don't feel desire for another good steak for at least a few days! So why do we need it again so fast? Because the bad parts, like the time we wasted, the smells, the money, the damage we caused, that is the REAL truth. (Remember the smells of the feet, the smells of the semen, the smell of the floor cleaning agents they use in those porno stores)...

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The First Three Steps

Step 1: Powerlessness. When I get a thought, I need to act on it. I can't stop the action.

If we don't admit powerlessness, we think that WE have to stop it. So we don't let G-d help us.

Step 2: A power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity. "I can't stop, but I can pick up the telephone and call someone." The power of others outside of us can help us stop.

Step 3: Once we learn how to let the power of others help us, we can learn to let the power of G-d help us. "I'm lost. I can't do this myself. I give it to you G-d".... "Relieve me of this bondage of SELF".

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When Lust Attacks

Wear a rubber band on your wrist. If you feel a lustful thought come on,

1) admit powerlessness,

2) snap the rubber band on your skin (ouch!)

3) report your lust to another person

The addiction loses its power when we share with others, and when we hear from others that they too have the same thoughts. When we see this is normal, it lightens the power of the obsessions.

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Talking to the Disease

I often talk to my disease. Like if I wake up in the morning thinking, "I'll get some from my wife tonight", I tell my disease, "If you think that one more time, I'll refuse even if she asks for it!" Or if I get an erection in the shower from soaping there too much, I tell my disease "If you don't leave me alone, I'll walk out of the shower right now, even with all the soap on me!"

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Erections

We are powerless over erections. Erections are normal. G-d made them so we can have kids. Addicts are convinced that they have to put the erection somewhere. When we get an erection, we need to tell ourselves, "I am powerless over this, this is not about sex, it's just the body's reaction." We addicts are used to putting every feeling of ours into our "member" since we're young. It's just this crazy energy. Close your eyes and imagine that this energy is going down through your legs and out into the ground... Or that it goes up into your heart and out of your bodies... Spread out that energy or call someone...

797.

Thursday ~ 5 Tamuz, 5770 ~ June 17, 2010

In Today's Issue

12-Step Workshop With Harvey (Part 3)

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Two days ago, I had the unique opportunity to join a 12-Step workshop with Harvey, one of the founders of SA (Sexaholics Anonymous)... He's sober for 26 years from a raging sex addiction, and today he sponsors many frum people and gives talks all over the world.

For the past two days I've been bringing some of the wisdom I heard from him, and today we continue with some of the notes I took at his talk:

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Too Late

We often get disappointed in G-d when He doesn't help us. But by the time we ask for help, it's usually too late. We can't walk around a seedy district at night alone with lots of money in our pocket and expect G-d to save us. They say in AA, "G-d is so powerful that even if the alcoholic lifts the bottle to his mouth, G-d can knock it out of his hands. But statistically, He doesn't do that."

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To Any Lengths

We have to be ready to go to any length to stay sober. For my first year of sobriety, I would not enter any store by myself. I would not go to the city center by myself for two years. I went to three meetings a day for two years! Because I know that I'm so sick that if I don't go to any length, I'll quickly end up in jail or dead! As they say in AA. "There are only three choices: Covered Up (buried), Locked Up, or Sobered Up."

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Progressively Sensitive

Even as we're sober, the disease progresses and we get more and more sensitive to lust triggers over time. It's like a smoker. While he's smoking, he doesn't smell anyone else's smoke. But the longer he's quit for, the more he'll be able to smell smoke in the room, on people's clothes, etc...

I can't watch most movies. I was recently watching a TV series about vampires that I really enjoyed, and two seasons before the last, there was a kissing scene. And I called my sponsor and decided I can't watch this anymore. And that was very hard for me, because I had watched the whole series and this was the last two episodes. Letting go of something we want feels like death. But I erased the recordings I had, and as soon as I had let go of it, I felt a joyous feeling.

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Acceptance

We can't accept G-d's power to help us (step 3), until we first accept the power of the group (step 2). In the groups, we see that we can share all the crazy things we did, and people still accept us. That gives us a vision or a glimpse of how G-d, who is so much bigger, can accept me as I am. After all, He made me! He knew what I would do even before I did it!

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A Decision

If there are three frogs on a log and two of them decide to jump off, how many are left? Three! Deciding to jump is nothing unless they jump. In step 3 we make "a decision" to give our will and our lives over to the care of G-d. But a decision means nothing without action. So steps 4, 5, 6, 7 and 8 are how we do step 3.

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Not My Will, But Thy Will Be Done

In step 1 we are powerless. "We admitted we were powerless over lust." But in step 11, we get the power back. As the 11^th step states: "We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out." We get the power back, but it's His power, not ours. My Will will kill me.

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Letting Our Will Go

Through the steps we learn how to let go of our will. Lust is not our real problem. Our character defaults are our real problem. As we work though our resentments, jealousy, dishonesty and greed, we see that our addiction stems from our character defects, (and most of our character defects stem from "Fear").

In step 6 we tell G-d, "Take this sh*t away, I don't want it. I am entirely willing for You to remove these character defects".

Many times we are not really ready yet for G-d to take it away. We say, "G-d, take the masturbation away from me, but don't take the porn". That's like saying, "See the cancer on this arm, G-d? Please take it away. But the cancer on my other arm, I'm not ready for You to take away"...

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Making Amends

Step 10 says, "We continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, we promptly admitted it." That means doing steps 4 through 8 every day.

When my wife says something hurtful to me, even if she's wrong, I make amends and apologize for having talked to her in that "tone of voice". And when we disagree, even if I'm sure she's wrong I'll tell her, "you might be right". This helps me not to get upset at her.

798.

Friday ~ 6 Tamuz, 5770 ~ June 18, 2010
Erev Shabbos Parshas Chukas

In Today's Issue

12-Step Workshop With Harvey (Part 4)

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Three days ago, I had the unique opportunity to join a 12-Step workshop with Harvey, one of the founders of SA (Sexaholics Anonymous)... He's sober for 26 years from a raging sex addiction, and today he sponsors many frum people and gives talks all over the world. (He is not so frum himself, but he claims his "Yiddishkeit" is "evolving".)

For the past few days I've been bringing some of the wisdom I heard from him, and today we bring you a live recording from his talk (under five minutes).

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Download a recording of Harvey talking about the 11^th Step

over here.

The recording is not so clear, but I transcripted what he said below. The reason I found it so moving was because twice, while talking, tears filled Harvey's eyes and his voice broke (once at 2:45 and once at 4:02 in the sound file). That is how real our relationship with G-d needs to be.

The 11^th Step says: "We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out."

Here is a transcript of the recording:

Let's do the 11^th step. This is a very tough step for this group (Harvey was talking to a mostly religious group). You're professional "prayers". It's what you do. For you, meditation is going to be very important (see below for some notes on meditation from Harvey). Many of you have learned to pray without necessarily having a connection. You've been doing it since you've been children... It's like learning 2 X 2 is 4 ... 4 X 2 is 8. In my case, I can't hardly understand the prayers. So I've had to make it alive. And how, for me, do I do it? I spent at least two years finding every thought I can in the prayer book and in the Torah that proves how much G-d loves us. That's what I did to make it alive. So when now I'm reading the Amidah, I'm not seeing a lot of things except words like "Loving Kindness".

No religion I know do you have G-d telling us so clearly who He is. And He tells us what AA tells us in the traditions. The traditions say, "We have a loving G-d". And where does He tell us? In the - I don't know the Hebrew - in the 13 Attributes. And when you read the 13 attributes and meditate on them, you will get the true flavor of Love, and what Love is. And for all of us who were talking before about these layers of forgiveness, it (the 13 Attributes) talks about every type of forgiveness.

Each one of us need to find a way to make G-d alive in our lives. And it's so interesting for me to watch how so many people derive their spiritual quest from the Bal Shem Tov. And here was a man trying to tell us how to get this personal relationship to G-d. You know, through Psalms, through talking to him... What gets me the most is that beautiful story of that prayer of Erev Yom Kippur and the illiterate shepherd boy who couldn't speak Hebrew, he was illiterate, and he juggled the balls - if you know the story - he was a juggler, and that's all he knew to talk to G-d that day (Harvey's voice breaks), and the Rabbi was able to say, "we've been saved this year. He has opened the gates of Heaven".

We each have to find in the 11^th step the method of talking to Him. My sponsor said that I need to talk to G-d like he is my best friend. And as if he is sitting next to me in the car, and talk to him all through the day like I would talk to a friend. And the way I do it, is through prayers my sponsor taught me. He said, "G-d has a lot to do. He is very busy. He doesn't need very long prayers all the time. He loves little prayers. The smaller they are, the more He loves them." The one He especially loves is very small, "Help me", you know, "Helf mir"... "Help me. I can't do it myself G-d, Help me". And another one he just "kvells" over is, "Thank you".

And that's my prayer throughout the day. I talk to G-d throughout the day. I tell Him about the green leaves (Harvey's voice breaks again), about the sky, about walking on the streets in Jerusalem... I'm having a constant talk with Him, thanking Him that I got up alive...

Now, this is not unique, different things, I'm telling you. Most of you all wake up in the morning and you're supposed to say - you're supposed to, I don't know, I put on Teffilin, that's about it - but you're supposed to say, "Modeh Ani"... that's how you start your day - in Gratitude. And so you want to... for me, I need to keep this constant conversation in gratitude...

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Harvey Discusses Meditation

Meditation is where we try to quiet our minds. Like the Pasuk says in Tehhilim, 37:7: "Dom LaHashem Ve'Hischolel Lo", and in 131:2 it says, "Im lo shivisi ve'domamti nafshi, ke'gamul ali imo, gegamul alai nafshi".

Silence the mind.

I often tell people, "shut it off, it's over time". The disease lives in our heads.

The word "spirituality" comes from the Latin word "Spiritus", which means "Breath". "VaYipach Be'Apav Nishmas Chayim". The word Neshama and Ruach both come from "breath". When we meditate, we breath deeply and we count our breaths.

Anger and resentment have to do with the PAST.

Fears have to do with the FUTURE.

Breathing is a way to stay in the moment.

G-d lives in the NOW.

Rest your brain and just breath, or meditate on a line of prayer and internalize it deeply. This helps us learn to live in the NOW.

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Parsha Talk: Chukas

It says in this week's Parsha: "Zos HaTorah, Adam Ki Yamus Ba'Ohel" -Chazal learn from this, "The Torah is not acquired unless one is willing to die for it."

Lehavdil, Harvey ended his talk with the following message:

It is true that we can lose everything by sharing our secrets with strangers in the groups. But chances are it will happen a lot faster if we don't get sober.

Our addiction is a disease, like diabetes. If the wife of a diabetic would tell her husband not to take the insulin because she doesn't want to be married to someone who takes insulin all the time, well, she won't have a husband for much longer!

If we don't put our sobriety first because we're afraid to lose what is precious to us, we will probably end up losing it all anyway. But when we're willing to lose everything and put our sobriety FIRST, we often get to keep everything precious in the end.

799.

Sunday ~ 8 Tamuz, 5770 ~ June 20, 2010

In Today's Issue

Personal Victory of the Day: Decide for Yourself

Attitude Tip of the Day: Just One More...

Quote of the Day: An Addict Can't Taste Life

Testimonial of the Day: Not "All Alone" Any More

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Personal Victory of the Day

Decide for Yourself

A "Magid Shiur" from our forum sent me an e-mail the other day:

Last night I wasn't feeling well, and on the way to Yeshiva I still wasn't clear what I would say in today's shiur.

On the way to yeshiva, I saw something "very interesting" coming in my direction. The way I always reacted in such cases was to look really intently until she subconsciously realizes, and then quickly turn away. Then as she passed, I would then give another good close look to make sure that I didn't miss anything important.

This time, I kept my head down. As she passed, I just closed my eyes - since that is the hardest time. I really felt good doing that, and I said to myself, "this will give me koach for the whole day".

In the middle of the shiur, I suddenly thought of the most amazing p'shat. After shiur, many boys approached me to tell me how amazing the shiur was.

So tell me, are the two stories related or not?

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Attitude Tip of the Day

Just One More...

By "YuroJew"

I had a chiddush this morning on the concept of "one day at a time".

The meforshim explain that Teshuva should mimic the form of the aveira. For example, if you ran to do averios, then run to do mitzvos, if you sinned with your money, do mitzvos with your money, etc.

Well, I'm sure many of you are familiar with the phenomenon where we're looking or reading something we know we shouldn't and we tell ourselves, "okay, just one more picture, video or story and then I'll stop". After the second, third, fourth, etc. we keep on telling ourselves the same thing. "Just One More." Eventually, maybe fifty or hundred later, we stop.

Maybe we should try to use that same thinking in recovery as well. "You know, it's hard to recover, so I will just stay clean for one more day" (or if really hard, one more hour) and then I'll stop"... And just keeping on telling yourself the same thing after the second, third, fourth hour/day. If we keep it up long enough, G-d will have to help us and we won't stop even at fifty or hundred!

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Quote of the Day

An Addict Can't Taste Life

From "Frumfeind"

Imagine the alcoholic going to the opening of the world's most exclusive restaurant. The tab is at least a thousand dollars and he waits hours on line for the privilege of paying to eat there. Finally he gets his table and sits down. The waiter brings him the menu and he orders a cup of wine to get started. He then orders the first course and some more wine. Before the second course, again some wine. He is so absorbed in his wine that he doesn't notice the unique ambience and the custom paintings. The specially designed table and chairs pass him by completely. He is just happy with his wine. The reporters ask him to describe thee experience. He answers, "the wine was great".

On the chol hamoed trip, the lust addict is absorbed in checking out all the frum women. Waiting on line in the store, the same thing. His life's schedule is just, "when he can get back to the computer?". His whole life is just a backdrop for the great search for Lust.

Everybody likes wine and looking at women, but the lust addict is consumed by the search for lust. A normal person who sees a pretty women will look, but he will not be staring at every women to find "that woman".

Everyone enjoys that cup of wine, but they can also enjoy other things.

The lust addict goes to see the Swiss Alps, but all he sees is the tank top across from him in the cable car.

The alcoholic didn't taste the food and the lust addict can't taste life.

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Testimonial of the Day

Not "All Alone" Anymore

By "AllAlone"

I have almost daily interaction with Rabbonim and Roshei Yeshiva for various reasons. Last night, I attended a wedding in Cleveland together with around 700 others... Anyway, it was a wedding of two powerhouse Rabbinic families, and I used the opportunity to poll the different Rabbonim at the wedding about internet porn addiction.

When I tell you that every Rov, yes every Rov, had multiple stories, I'm not lying. I begged and pleaded with each Rov to please send their mispallelim to GYE and to support this very chashuv program. I came close to admitting to one particular Rov about myself (I know he has suspicions right now...but that's ok) but I think it's important that we, as a GYE community, at least speak about the issue to Rabbonim we know well, and encourage them to encourage others to join us.

Honestly, I thought I was alone, as my username indicates. I literally thought I was the only ben-Torah who had this addiction. I thought that curbing that addiction was impossible. I thought that Hashem hated me... But because of this forum, because of this ability to share the truth, I'm now completing over a month of cleanliness...

Let me share what I have done:

I have internet filters on my laptop (my chavursa has the password)
We have a strong internet filter at home (my wife has the password)
I have downloaded a filter for my Iphone...
I have increased my tefillos to Hkb"H, because I have learned that Hashem really does love us all, no matter how "bad" we've been.

What have I not done:

I have not intentionally searched on line for porn.
I have stopped looking at trigger web sites, including FoxNews.
I have not watched any porn in hotel rooms on my travels.
I have not attempted to flirt with any women.
I have been good (not great, but pretty good) at not looking at scantily clad women.

All of this I have done - or not done - for the sake of gaining closeness to my Creator and my loving family.

I have learned that this is a marathon and not a sprint... We're in this together, forever.

800.

Monday ~ 9 Tamuz, 5770 ~ June 21, 2010

In Today's Issue

Mazal Tov to GYE!

Attitude Tip of the Day: OUR WILL WILL KILL US

Q & A of the Day: How Do I Stop?

Article Quote of the Day: You Got to Love Me!

Tip of the Day: Today's Goal

Daily Dose of Dov: My Sobriety Cost Me My Entire Life Savings

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Mazal Tov to GuardYourEyes on Reaching Today:

1,500 Members on the Chizuk E-mail Lists
Chizuk E-mail #800!

Please send a donation to help us continue helping others.

Please use the PayPal options on the right side of our website www.guardyoureyes.org

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Attitude Tip of the Day

OUR WILL WILL KILL US

If we feel the insanity setting in...

If we feel we must give in and can't hold back...

If we feel that if we don't give in to our will, we'll die.

Remember:

It's all a lie.
We won't die if we don't give in to our will.

It's the opposite.

OUR WILL WILL KILL US.

Only when we let GO of our will,

Only when G-d's will is done through us,

Only then can we really LIVE.

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Q & A of the Day

How Do I Stop?

"I'm a college student and I have a problem with occasional masturbation at night. What should I do to avoid the sin completely?"

Elya, moderator of the Thursday night phone conference, responds:

This is a disease of isolation. We are desperately looking for connection with Hashem and/or another human being to fill up the hole in our soul, which causes us to numb out with fantasy. Then we feel bad and to feel better again, numb out again.

You cannot avoid the sin completely. Koheles (King Solomon) said, "There is no man who has not sinned." There will always be triggers, anger, isolation, loneliness, sadness. It's what we do with these when they occur that makes all the difference. You cannot just avoid the world and live in a cave the rest of your life. Well, you can, but there are probably no caves where you live.

Figure out what is making you want to escape into fantasy land. Usually it is one of the character traits above. Fear, loneliness, anger, resentment. Eliminate these from your heart and you'll be free.

How? Join a 12 step group on the phone, or in person in your city. Read the materials on the site - the GYE Handbook and the Attitude handbook. Get a sponsor or a friend to talk to. The more SPECIFIC you are when you share with them, the more you release the shame and guilt from your body and you'll be free.

Read recovery books and materials before you go to bed.

Make an accounting of your day before you go to bed. Were you angry, short tempered? Is there someone you need to apologize to? Did you spend your day helping someone else, or were you isolated and self absorbed?Get up in the morning and pray to Hashem to help you.

That's a start. Write me back and let me know when you've started at least 3 of these. Remember, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is INSANITY. It's your choice: SERENITY OR INSANITY.

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Article Quote of the Day

You Gotta Love Me!

By Yonatan Udren from the Arutz Sheva Blog

"You should love the Lord Your God," we are told in the second paragraph of Shema. But there is an obvious problem with this passage: how can love be commanded?

Imagine a young couple on their first date, with all their anxious smiles and nervous toe-tapping. Just before they part ways, the young man tells the woman, "You gotta love me!" Suddenly, this budding relationship comes to a screeching halt.

Love is something that is earned through time, trust, and commitment. It is not something that can be given through demands. So how can Hashem command us to love?

The Sefer Musar Avicha (Ahava 4) teaches that a blazing flame of love for Hashem is constantly burning in the soul, giving pleasantness and sweetness that no words can describe.

If this is so, then why don't we experience these intense feelings all the time (or for some, at all)?

When we disconnect ourselves from this light through an unbalanced relationship with our world. We weigh ourselves down by prioritizing the physical over the needs of the spirit. Such a lifestyle is in complete opposition to the nature of the soul.

The commandment to love Hashem is not a directive to stir up an appropriate emotional response. It is a dictate to peel away the layers of darkness that are masking the light that is constantly shining. It is returning to our natural state of balance between body and soul, which is a place of experiencing constant love for Hashem.

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Tip of the Day

Today's Goal

By "Yechidah"

Today is the Klausenberger Rebbe ztl's yahrtzeit. The Rebbe ztl said as follows:

In my youth, I was considered a bright and diligent student. How did I accomplish this? I tricked my yetzer hara. Other children had great plans at the beginning of the school year for the whole year, but in the end they failed. I said to myself, "I am going to plan just for today - and set goal for this day only". The Satan, not being interested in a single day, left me alone. The next day, I again just made plans for that day, and so on until the end of the year.

What the Rebbe wrote about tricking the yetzer harah, we can do with our struggles as well. When you wake up in the morning, make a goal to be clean for that day only - no matter what, and the Satan will leave you alone. (And then do the same thing tomorrow as well!)

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

My Sobriety Cost Me My Entire Life Savings

A few minutes ago I checked out a link in an email-type thingy from a good friend. There was an ad on the side of the page that popped up. It was not healthy for me and I turned the page up to avoid the torture and the danger.

OK... now comes the fun part:

A minute later it occurred to me to do something to let him know it was not a great link to send to me. I wanted - really wanted - to check the ad out again, cuz maybe the one I saw was not the normal pop up for that page. Maybe it just happened to be that kind of ad this time. Maybe I should just leave him alone... I just had to check it out!

Heh, heh....

Something in my gut said to me: "Is it worth perhaps maybe jeopardizing sobriety for this? Why risk it at all?" My sobriety is like a delicate glass object that cost me my entire life savings. I carry it around with me and it's a bit crazy, but there's no place else to keep it, cuz it's my sanity! Stupid to carry around, but - here it is! Can't afford to get too distracted from it or it may just roll out of my hands and crash to the floor. Not enough crazy glue in Belleview to put it back together again....

So I just let my friend know in a cryptic way and went on. Not my business to make a big deal about it and I'm not here to save the world from themselves, either.

Parsha Talk: B'chukosai:

Hashem Loves the Small Steps "V'im beheimah asher yakrivu mimena korban laShem kol asher yitein mimenu laShem yiyeh kodesh (27:9)

And if an animal which you will bring from it a sacrifice for Hashem, whatever he shall give from it to Hashem will be holy."

If someone who is led by his animalistic desires will decide to come a bit closer to Hashem, every little bit that he will sacrifice for Hashem from his "animal nature" for Hashem's sake is holy!

Prevention

Battle Communication

There's no Happiness Where the Yetzer Hara is

By "Jack" (Clean for 1.5 years. See his 90 day time-line here)

"Ain simcha b'makom sheyetzer hara sholet - there is no happiness in the place that the Yetzer Hara reigns". This is brought by the Kitzur Shulchan Aruch in the halachos of sheva brachos, as a reason for men to sit separate from women.

I am telling you, I feel so empowered by being clean, it's like doing Chigung (Chinese energy creating exercises). And when I get weak and look at a newspaper, or if I don't guard my eyes properly in the streets, I literally feel like I have no strength.

It says by milchemes amalek - 'kaasher yorim moshe es yadav, vigavor yisroel, vi'chaasher yoniach, vigavor amalek'. If we lift up our eyes to the holy ideals in the Torah, we will come out ahead. And if we succumb, chas v'shalom, we will pay dearly, r"l.

Torah Thought of the Day

Torah Thought of the Day

Attitude Tip of the Day

Battle Communication

A Respected Marbitz Torah and Mashpiah Ruchani

"FrumFiend" writes on our forum for the first time:

Anyway tizku Lemitzvos on your great work, even if it may not help me.

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Elya (moderator of the hotline and phone conference) replies:

Dear Marbitz,

A year and a half ago when I first joined this forum, I invited a fellow to join me on one of my Thursday night anonymous phone calls (hint! ;-). He attended the call.

On the call, my guest-therapist said that if you can stay clean for 90 days, the neural pathways in your brain change and all of this becomes easier, (it never fully goes away).

These calls kept him sober, not because of me, but because of his willingness to be honest and open, and speak-out the shame and guilt we all have. That is the foundation of the recovery process.

By the way, he has not gone to an adult video store in 1 1/2 years. Although he still struggles with lust, his life is totally different and with much more meaning and fulfillment. I pray you will find a similar path.

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Dov Responds to "FrumFiend"

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Dov Responds to "FrumFiend"

You write "In those days" as if the lust is not destroying your life today.

Now I don't mean this as a smarty-pants at all, but as someone who has been there himself, is there, and watched many other people's lives crumble, r"l: When it comes to this problem, or sickness - if you will, most people remain as stupid as ever. They just dress it up real smartly.

As far as having part of your life on a public forum - don't worry, you are still anonymous! But the point is this: What you and I do is on the most public forum there is: Einei Haborei b"H.

Now that is a perspective that I could never have related to at all, till sobriety.

Magnificent Magnifying Mind

You Gotta Love Me!

Hashem Loves the Small Steps

"V'im beheimah asher yakrivu mimena korban laShem kol asher yitein mimenu laShem yiyeh kodesh _(27:9)