Lesson of Chanukah

Do Your Best & G-d Will Do the Rest

One of the biggest lessons of the Chanukah miracles is that when we do our best, Hashem will do the rest - and we'll see miracles! This was the lesson of the Maccabees; few against many, weak against powerful. And this was also the lesson of the oil; if we seek, we will find, and if we pour in whatever we have, Hashem will make it work  - far more than our expectations!
 

Watch this great clip from Aish.com that helps bring home this point.
 

Chanukah's Secret to Greatness

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"An Honest Mouse" wrote on the forum:

The miracle of the oil was that there was only a little bit of untainted, pure oil left - only enough for 1 day, but Hashem made it last for 8 days.

Sometimes, we don't have a lot of strength in us, we feel we can only remain clean for a short while, we don't have it in us for the long haul. If we dedicate our short time clean to Hashem and say, 'this is as much as I can do, please keep me clean', He is surely able to repeat the miracle and give us the ability to remain clean for much longer!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Yosef Hatzadik" wrote on the forum:

The Kohanim knew that they didn't have enough oil to light the Menorah continuously until new oil can be procured. They did what was in their power to do today anyhow.

Progress, not Perfection! As they say in Yiddish: "Ah Yid darf tahn, nisht oiftahn! - a Jew must do, not accomplish"

We gotta do our part; the end result is up to Hashem!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Aish Kodesh" wrote on the forum:

When the Greeks destroyed everything in the Beis Hamikdosh, the Yidden almost lost hope until they searched and searched and found the jar of clean oil. This symbolizes our neshamos. We can never give up hope, there is always a way out. No matter where we are, we can find a way to bring light to the world and to our neshomos, and Hashem will make a miracle and it will  be something much greater then our little deeds. That's why Beis Hillel says we are "malin bakodesh"; just light a little light and Hashem will make it much stronger!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fire on Har HaCarmel

There's a raging fire in Israel now on Har HaCarmel where over 40 people lost their lives yesterday. I was reminded of another fire on Har HaCarmel, many years ago. The Pasuk in Melachim Alef (18:38) says:

"And the fire of Hashem came down and ate the sacrifice and the wood and the stones and the dirt and the water that was in the trough it licked. And the whole nation saw and fell on their faces and proclaimed "Hashem is G-d, Hashem is G-d!"

Perhaps Hashem is sending us a message, as Eliyahu Hanavi told the Jewish people back then: "Until when will you hold on to both sides of the stick? If G-d is G-d, then go after Him. And if the Ba'al (idol) then go after him!"

We can't continue living double lives, serving both G-d and lust at the same time.

Let us take this message from the burnt-sacrifices of our holy brothers and declare once and for all: "Hashem is G-d, Hashem is G-d!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Shabbos Chanukah

Mi La'Hashem Elai!

Chanukah is about Messiras Nefesh. The Jewish people merited the miracles of Chanukah through the self-sacrifice of the few Macabees (Macabee stands for "Mi Kamocha Ba'Eilim Hashem - Who is like you amongst the mighty, Oh G-d!"). They were willing to give their lives for the sanctity of the Jewish people. They knew they stood no chance alone, only the power of Hashem could do it for them. They gave their lives to G-d, and were willing to die for the cause - and that is why they merited great miracles.

This trait of Messiras Nefesh in the Jewish people goes back to Avraham Avinu who was willing to be thrown into the furnace of Nimrod rather than bow down to idols. The first documented case of Messiras Nefesh in the Torah is the story of Akeidas Yitzchak.

It is brought down in the Seffarim that Yosef Hatzadik's test with the wife of Potifar was an extremely difficult test. Hashem put all possible seductions and temptations into this one test. How was Yosef able to overcome it? He pictured in his mind, that if Hashem would ask him to give his life on the Mizbe'ach like he had asked his grandfather Yitzchak, would he want to be a blemished sacrifice? No! And if he would be willing to lay his life down for Hashem, could he not at least give up this temptation? Yes! And that is what gave him the strength to be victorious.

Perhaps that is why the test of Yossef is read around the time of Chanukah each year.

We are faced with great temptations every day. Let us remember the Messiras Nefesh of the Maccabees. Let us remind ourselves, that as Jews, we would be willing to be thrown into fire and not bow down to idols. Lust is like idol worship. As Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai told his talmidim when a beautiful woman walked by: "Al Tifnu El Ha'Elilim - do not turn to false G-ds". If we would be willing to give our lives for Hashem, can we not at least give up on our unhealthy lusting?

We on GYE are the Maccabees of our generation! We are the few against the many, the weak against the mighty. The multi billion dollar lust peddling industries out there are trying to destroy the Jewish people from the inside - "Le'Ha'avirum Me'al Chukei Ritzonecha". But we won't give in. We are willing to give our lives for our beliefs, so surely we are willing to give up these desires for Hashem!

Let us accept upon ourselves today: No more YouTube. No more Face-Book. No more non-Jewish news-sites, magazines, newspapers and movies. All of these things are full of triggers. They are the tools of war that 'Yavan' uses to insert it's tentacles into our Jewish minds and souls. This is a fight for our very Neshamos!

Shabbos Chanukah is a time of the G'mar Chasimah of the new year. In many Chassidic communities, those who couldn't make it to the Rebbe for Rosh Hashana used to come for Shabbos Chanukah. It is a very holy time. It is a time for Messiras Nefesh. A time for decisions.

Mi La'Hashem Elai!

Important Announcement

GYE is launching four new 12-Step phone conferences on Monday, December 13!
 

Duvid Chaim and his 'Talmidim' will be launching three simultaneous 12-Step groups on Monday, Dec 13, 2010

Click here for more details

You will now have a choice of three groups:

• For the early birds - Steve's group will have its daily call at 8:30 am EST.
   
• For the Lunch & Learners - there is Duvid Chaim's usual NOON time (EST) group.
   
• For the evening folks, join Shlomo's 10:30 PM (EST) group.

All three groups will be on the same page, so you can come on board one or more, or switch times to your convenience.

------------------------------------------------------

Daniel is also launching a 12-Step group on December 13, 2010.

His group will be twice a week:
 

Monday and Thursday at Noon Pacific Time (3 PM EST)

See this page for more information on Daniel's Group.

12-Step Attitude

True Chanukah Light

By "Eye.nonymous"

The AA Big Book talks about "being on a new plane of existence"; a spiritual plane.
 

Duvid Chaim often speaks about "Getting out of our heads".

"Getting out of my head" means being concerned how other people are feeling, and being helpful when possible.

I feel like I've reached a new level of serenity. Today my wife had to schlep around all day with 2 of our kids for appointments. She arranged to have our baby with a babysitter, and after school all the kids that stayed in town would go over to one of our friend's houses. In the past I would have been so angry that I have to schlep around and make sure our kids get to where they're supposed to. But now, I realize my wife is doing SO MUCH MORE SCHLEPPING than I am. AND, she made all these arrangements so I could keep to my regular schedule, more or less. I was just so thankful for the baby sitter and for our friends. And I called to check up on the kids, totally prepared to take them and stay home with them if it wasn't working out.

Then we all got home about the same time for Chanukah lighting. My wife was totally wiped out. Instead of getting all depressed and running away to escape and abandon my wife, I really enjoyed the evening. We lit the menorahs, being very relaxed about things. We had a little snack together. I played some music. THE KIDS PLAYED SOME "MUSIC" AT THE SAME TIME - AND IT DIDN'T BOTHER ME! I took the kids out for a walk to see all the menorahs while my wife rested a bit, and at the same time I gave our older son (9 years old) some bike safety riding tips because he wants to start riding in the street. I stayed calm throughout dinner, despite that the children weren't necessarily so. I helped with bed time, and was not only calm but also happy. It was one of these 'singing and dancing bed times' that I can't believe when I hear other people talk about them. I had a bit of a shmooze with my older son (still 9) while he waited for his bed time to come around.

My wife commented to me, "you spoke so nicely to everyone."

I feel that this was an exceptional evening when I was able to overcome over my selfishness. I feel that I'm actually starting to change.

Saying of the Day
 

Powerlessness vs. Responsibility

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Testimonial of the Day
 

A Year on GYE
 

By Stuart

It's been about a year on GYE, and I thought this would be a good time to update what went on the past year.
 

My road to recovery was not as great as expected, with several ups and downs during the year. One particular area which captured me this past year, was using my blackberry for bad things. Even though I had it for 2 years without being tested, after filtering my computers, it finally got to me.

Nevertheless, since this past summer I made some serious attempts to change for the good. 

Some new innovations I have been doing include:

• Joining a 12 step phone conference
• Reaching out to other people in a similar matzav
• Reading Garden of Emuna by Rav Arush
• Reading Garden of Peace
• Cancelling internet service on my cell phone
• Getting google.com off my home page
• Filtering out youtube on my work computer
• Making a kebala not to look at youtube videos on my home computer if there's no one else around, without contacting someone first. 
• Not watching movies and TV shows.

Even if I have the opportunity to watch a clean show (say an action or violent flick), I will try very hard not to. My past experience is that in order to qualify to be in front of a camera, you must be good looking and/or wear tight fitting clothes. It may not feel like a trigger at the time, but I think that seeing something definitely has an impact later on, at a weak moment.

All of the above sounds nice and is essential for me, but I am coming to realize that seriously working the 12 steps is most crucial. This helps me to have better emunah and to get closer to Hashem on a daily basis. I am starting to recognize and be aware of my character flaws and learn to respond differently. Most importantly, I constantly need to remind myself to humbly ask Hashem to remove my shortcomings and make me better.

The last few months have seen much improvement for me, B'H. I still have my occasional battles, but not as severe as before, bli a"h. I'm also trying not to get so hung over the quantity of days sober, but more on their quality.

Quote of the Day

Yehoshua wrote:

Here's something I learned through contemplation on Pliskin's writings:

Whenever I feel like giving up and I cry out loud, "I can't do it!", there is an answer in my head: THERE IS NO "I CAN'T" WITH JEWS, ONLY JOYFUL Z'RIZUS. 

Important Announcement

We're trying to develop a GYE system of recovery based on "Levels" for the new website we're developing, to simplify the system for new-comers and old-comers alike. We believe this new system will make it much easier for people to quickly pinpoint what suggestions they should try.

We are looking for feedback on what we have come up with so far (see below). Please send your feedback to eyes.guard@gmail.com.

Thank you and a Freilichen Chanukah and a Gut Chodesh!

The GuardYourEyes Program in a Nut-Shell

GuardYour Eyes uses a unique approach to help people, by recognizing that there are many different levels in the struggle for "Shmiras Ainayim" and "Shmiras Habris". We have tried to put together here - in a nut-shell, the suggestions that we feel are best for the various different levels of this struggle.

Two Important Notes:

1) The term "acting out" is used below to mean either viewing inappropriate material and/or masturbation. It also includes promiscuous behaviors (clubs, massage parlors or worse) but these behaviors should generally be treated as more severe levels of addiction.

2) Each new, more advanced level of the struggle/addiction (below) automatically includes the suggestions given for the previous levels. We only bring the NEW suggestions for each level, but highly encourage that the suggestions of the previous levels be tried as well.

The Eight Levels:

Can you find yourself below?

Level 1. I struggle with shmiras ainayim, desires and fantasies (like most normal males).

Suggestions:

-         Filters: Get a good filter for all your internet enabled devices. We can help you find what's best for you on our website, or on our filter hotline (coming soon). Be in touch with our filter Gabai at filter.gye@gmail.com. We highly advise having your wife, a friend or the filter Gabai hold the password/s for you.

-         Daily Chizuk: Sign up to the daily 'Shmiras Ainayim' Chizuk e-mails, which offer daily tips and chizuk on dealing with today's environment, guarding our eyes, dealing with bad thoughts, struggling with the Yetzer Hara, etc.

-         Read Up: The GYE website has hundreds of inspiring articles which can provide you with tips and chizuk on dealing with today's environment, guarding our eyes, dealing with bad thoughts, etc.

-         Be aware: The GYE website provides articles, shiurim and video clips (coming soon) from mechanchim, Rabbanim and experts, to help you be informed and up-to-date on the spiritual dangers of today's technology.

-         Join the Community: Join our "Prevention" forum (coming soon) to exchange ideas with other balabatim, parents and Mechanchim looking for the best solutions on how to deal with the nisyonos of our generation, both for ourselves and for our children.

Level 2. I have stumbled and 'acted-out' (see definition in note 1 above) on rare occasions, but I believe I can abstain 'indefinitely' if I put in some effort and remain determined.

Suggestions:

-         Reporting Software: Install Reporting Software (on top of your filter) to have lists of all questionable websites sent to a friend or Rav that you respect and would be ashamed to disappoint. We suggest either www.webchaver.com or eBlaster from Spectorsoft. Give the password/s to the filter Gabai.

-         Attitude and Perspective: Read the 30 principles in Part 1 of the GYE Handbook to understand the nature of this struggle, and to learn how to use it as a spring-board for personal growth and divine service.

-         Shmiras Ainayim Fences: Build up stronger fences for your eyes such as: avoiding mixed areas where possible, avoiding sites like Facebook, YouTube, triggering movies, magazines, etc. (Read tool #2 of the GYE handbook).

Level 3. I can abstain from 'acting-out' for long periods of time (more than 90 days), but somehow I keep falling into it again.

Suggestions:

-         Acceptance: Addiction means something we want to stop but can't. Accept that you may have an "Addiction". Although there are many levels of addiction, the rules of the game change once we recognize this important truth about ourselves.

-         Stronger Daily Chizuk: Sign up for the 'Breaking Free' daily chizuk E-mails and get tips, advice and personal stories from the GYE community every day, on how to break free of these addictive behaviors.

-         Strong Fences: Make strong fences for yourself, such as writing a list of things to do before acting-out, making kabalos, etc. (Read tool #3 of the GYE Handbook).

-         The TaPHSiC Method: Study and apply the TaPHSiC Method described on our website. This is one of the best methods for frum people suffering from low-level addictions. It teaches us how to balance our "Yiras Shamayim" (which doesn't generally work very well in addictions) with "Physical discomfort", which is something that works a lot better. By wisely combining the two, we can produce a fool-proof fence to protect ourselves from the addictive behaviors.

-         Stronger Shmiras Ainayim fences: Get serious about this. Recognize how easily triggered we are. We need to start avoiding all non-Jewish movies, newspapers, magazines, and even non-Jewish news websites, entertainment, etc.

-         Read up: Read through the hundreds of articles on our website, such as the Tips, Q&A and Stories to learn more about beating these addictive behaviors.

-         Kosher Isle: When feeling bored or weak, use our "Kosher Isle" to find Kosher activity suggestions, Kosher news sites, entertainment, shiurim and much more!

Level 4. I've tried to stop many times, but I can't generally abstain from 'acting-out' for significant periods of time (90 days or more).

Suggestions:

-         Meaningful Activities: Try to find alternate fulfillment in your life, such as chesed projects, jobs, hobbies and activities that can help you feel inner satisfaction, keep you connected to the real world and out of isolation. (See tool #6 in the GYE Handbook).

-         Cutting Down: "The more you feed it the more you need it". Start cutting down over time by making red lines for yourself. Slowly wean yourself of these behaviors by pushing the battle lines back further and further. (See tool #7 in the GYE Handbook).

-         The 90-Day Journey: Take the "90 Day" leap of faith and stay clean for a full 90 days to break the addictive pattern in the mind. Use our 90-Day chart system to appreciate your progress and get encouraging e-mails as you advance to new levels. (See tool #8 in the GYE Handbook).

Level 5. I've tried everything in levels 1-4 and I still can't stay stopped.

Suggestions:

Anonymous 'Virtual' Support - Reach out to OTHERS:

-         Forums: Join the forum to get support from the rest of the GYE community. Tell your story, post a log of your journey, reach out for help when feeling weak - and strengthen each other. The forum is a life-line of chizuk and support for hundreds of people in exactly your situation.

-         Chat-Rooms: Chat with others in the GYE chat-rooms (coming soon).

-         Social Network: Cultivate a group of "Friends" to stay in touch with through GYE's cutting edge "social-network" system (coming soon).

-         A Partner: Get a partner through GYE's partner/sponsor system. Be in touch by e-mail/chat daily. Learn honesty, integrity and get accountability. Strengthen each other.

Level 6. I've tried everything in levels 1-5 and I still can't stay stopped.

Suggestions:

Anonymous 'Phone' Support - Reach out to people you can hear and talk with:

-         The GYE Hotline: Call our hotlines / experts for advice. (Coming soon: the new 'one-number' GYE international hotline - 24/7!)

-         The 12-Steps: Study / Work the 12-Steps. Learn the secrets behind this world-renowned program that has helped millions of people around the world break free of all types of addictive behaviors. (See tool #14 in the GYE Handbook).

-         12-Step Phone Conferences: Join GYE's multiple 12-Step phone conferences throughout the week. Work the powerful 12-Step program along with another group of people in your situation, with guidance from an experienced moderator. GYE has phone conferences almost every day of the week - morning, noon and night!

-         A Sponsor: Get a sponsor through GYE's partner/sponsor system. A sponsor is someone clean for over 90 days, who can guide you and share what works for him.

-         Phone Partner: Get a partner to be in touch with by phone as often as possible (through GYE's partner/sponsor system).

-         Build a Personal Phone Group: Have a group of friends to call when feeling weak. PM friends on the forum and ask them for their telephone numbers, or join Duvid Chaim's phone group to get access to his phone-roster (currently with over 50 people).

-         The GYE Phone community: Join the 'GYE Phone community' (coming soon) and get access to hundreds of numbers of people like you who want a community to reach out to.

Level 7. I've tried everything in levels 1-6 and I still can't stay stopped.

Suggestions:

'Live' Support - Reach out to others face-to-face:

-         Therapy: See GYE's therapist referral pages to find a therapist / psychologist who is trained in addictions. Open up fully to another human being, face to face. Discover the root causes. Learn cognitive methods to beat addictive thinking and behaviors.

-         Live 12-Step SA Groups / GYE Groups: Get the power of live-group support. Find an SA group in your area, or apply to join a live GYE group in your community (coming soon). Let go of the shame and open up to others. Find that you're not alone, at all. Use the power of the group to help you fight this disease, which is often much stronger than we are. Work the steps with the group.

-         A Sponsor: Work the 12-Steps with an experienced sponsor. Let go of the need to be "in charge" and listen to another human being. Let your sponsor guide you, and be ready to listen to whatever he tells you. Change from being a 'self-centered' person to a 'G-d centered' person.

Level 8. I've tried everything in levels 1-7 and I still can't stay stopped. It seems that inner change is not possible with me!

Suggestions:

-         Psychiatrist/Medication: A psychiatrist may be able to prescribe medications to help take the "edge" off the underlying symptoms that may be causing the addiction, such as OCD, depression, low self-esteem and other common mental conditions that can be facilitating the addictive behaviors. (See tool #16 of the GYE Handbook).

-         Rehab: GYE has a list of rehab options with both inpatient and outpatient care for addictive behaviors. A complete change of environment, professional help and a regimen of intense workshops and therapy may be what it takes to finally break free (See tool #17 of the GYE Handbook).
 

-     Last Resort: For those who are in danger of harming others, there are chemical castration methods that are safe, have few side-effects and are not permanent. (See tool #18 of the GYE Handbook).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Important Announcements

This Sunday, Dov is starting a new 12-Step cycle with a select group of dedicated men!

Will you be in this life-changing group?

• If you like the "Daily Doses of Dov"...
• If you want what Dov's got (13 years clean and serene!)...
• If you are ready to work hard - and work the 12 Steps....
• If you can handle the nine conditions on this page...

Then contact Dov TODAY and sign up for his group.

Zos Chanukah is the G'mar Chasimah of the new year.

Make a decision.

Don't miss the boat.
 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

New Women's 12-Step Phone Conference!

Along with the three new phone conferences being launched by Duvid Chaim on December 13th (8:30 AM, 12:00 PM and 10:20 PM, Mon - Thurs), there will be a group for women as well. Contact our woman moderator "Letakein" for more information.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Testimonial of the Day
 

 "Chanukah used to be a low time for me"
 

By "JewInProgress"
 

Hello friends, last night when saying the bracha before lighting the candles, I suddenly remembered the GYE forum, it hit me so strong that I cried. Yes, while saying the bracha with my wife & kids around me, tears started flowing down my cheek, I was so thankful to hashem for bailing me out. Just last year at this time I was still so down the drain, and Hashem gave me the koach to get a hold of myself and he pulled me out of the dumps. And through the half hour while singing, I was hit with this emotion again and again, the words had a different meaning than they had in the past. 

As soon as we realize that Hashem is in control and that if we rely only on Him, there is nothing to fear... and by giving it all over to Him, we can step on a lion, as we say there, and that's what He did to me and to many others here on the forum. We just gotta connect to him in a father/son relationship and not to forget to thank Him for every little drop of joy he sends our way.

In the past, Chanuka was a very low time for me, acting out all day long... and I used to sit the half hour after lighting as if on needles, waiting for it to be over, looking at my watch every 3 minutes. This year b"h it was different, I didn't rush, took my time to learn a bit while siting near the menorah, and I am so thankful to Hashem and to all of you for giving me my life back. 

My message to all of you out there is, that if there is a strong will - there is a way. Yes, there is hope.

Member's Chizuk

Using Chanukah Correctly

"Zemiros Shabbos" wrote:

Chanukah is a great opportunity. But like every great opportunity, it needs to be used correctly. We need to be vigilant. There is more leisure time, there are parties, schools are closed, we travel more, etc.... We need to remember that lusting after anyone is a problem, regardless whether it's a relative or friend. If I go to a party, I need to find a seat that does not face the women. I need to make sure not to spend time in a shopping mall, just taking in the scenery. I need to keep asking for Hashem's help in staying out of trouble.

On a positive note: Lighting the Menorah is a very special Mitzva done at home with the family, in an atmosphere of warmth. It's an opportunity to fixate our eyes upon the light of a mitzva and to cleanse our eyes to some extent from wrong images we may have viewed. It's a time for extra davening and singing; a time to connect with family and friends; a time where the light of kedusha descends to places where it normally doesn't reach, and it can uplift souls who have fallen very far. It's the story of how a small little flame can dispel the deepest and darkest nights.

12-Step Attitude

Handing It All Over To Hashem

A desperate struggler writes on the forum:

The Gemara in Shabbos says that the oils and wicks that you can't use on Shabbos can be used on Chanukah (cuz we don't worry you'll fiddle with it). So the Chassidim learn from this that if a person cannot be inspired and motivated by Shabbos, he can still be inspired by Channukah. 

This made me think: what do Shabbos and Chanukah have in common? And I thought: On Shabbos, we rely entirely on Hashem. We don't work. We don't buy things. We are completely dependent on Hashem. Which is really our goal in SA (12-Steps) - to be entirely dependent on Hashem. And on Chanukah, it's the same. That's what the Chashmonaim were facing. They had nothing left. They were the weak and the few,  and they had no hope whatsoever but Hashem.

After continuous falls, I really feel like I've got nothing at all and I'm at ground zero. And like a spoiled child, I have been left with no choice but to completely hand over everything in my life to Hashem and hope he takes better care of it than I have.
 

I pray that he provides me the peace of Shabbos and the miracles of Chanukah and helps me out of this mess of a life I've created for myself.

Important Announcements

We are happy to announce the launch of the following 12-Step phone conferences next week, be'ezras Hashem.

1)     Dov (from the "Daily Dose of Dov") will be starting with his group this Sunday, December 12. See this page for more info. The phone conference will be twice a week. Contact Dov to join.

2)     Duvid Chaim will be launching his popular group at 12 PM (EST) on Monday December 13. It will be Monday through Thursday, each week. See this page for more info. Contact Duvid Chaim to join - or just call in!

3)     Steve will be launching his group at 8:30 AM (EST) on Monday, December 13. It will be each week, Monday through Thursday. His group will be following Duvid Chaim's group, so you can join either one and still be on the same page! See this page for more info. Contact Steve to join - or just call in!

4)     Shlomo will be launching his group at 10:20 PM (EST) on Monday, December 13. It will be each week, Monday through Thursday. His group will also be following Duvid Chaim's group, so you can join any of the three calls each day and still be on the same page! See this page for more info. Contact Duvid Chaim for questions - or just call in!

5)     "Letakein" will be launching a group for women on Monday, December 13. It will be each week, Monday through Thursday. Her group will also be following Duvid Chaim's group. See this page for more info on the goals of the group. If you are a woman who wants to work the 12-Steps with an experienced moderator and a group of women like you, contact us for more info on this group.

6)     Daniel will be starting his group this Monday, December 13. The phone conference will take place twice a week, each Monday and Thursday at 3 PM (EST). See this page for more info. Contact Daniel to join.

7)     And of course, Elya's popular group will also be continuing once a week, each Wednesday evening at 7:45 PM. See this page for more info. Contact Elya to join, or just call in!

Feedback to the "GYE Program in a Nut Shell"

In Chizuk e-mail #910, we sent out a system of recovery based on Levels called "The GYE Program in a Nut Shell". We believe this new system can make it much easier for people to quickly pinpoint what suggestions they should try at the level they are at. We asked everyone for feedback, and here are two interesting replies we got:

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, LCSW, President of Nefesh - the International Network of Orthodox Mental Health Professionals, wrote back as follows:

I have recently worked with clients suffering from sexual and/or internet addictions who have been helped by your organization, Guard Your Eyes. I appreciate your balanced and sensitive approach in helping frum people who express a desire to live in accordance with halachic and Torah principles. 

I believe you are a wonderful resource for frum clients, not as a substitute for therapy, but as an adjunct to the treatment process.   

Your "GYE Program in a Nut Shell" is great stuff. I see you have learned from experience, hence your TaPHSiC method warns people about overdoing shavuous etc. I have one recommendation for the program... Although I understand that you put 12 steps at a much later stage, really everyone can benefit from it. The Twelve steps are a way to do more than just "sur me-ra" and actually do "asey tov", which I think is powerful. It is easier to abstain when you fill up the void with something positive and meaningful.

So how about strongly recommending 12 steps for level 2 and beyond, while requiring it at a later level?  

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A GYE Member wrote similar feedback as well:

I found myself in level #3, yet I joined the 12-Step phone groups and gained so much from them. I am not sure if it is necessary to save the phone groups (Duvid Chaim's in particular) for that late in the game. From my experience, I think it's all about a spiritual connection that we are missing, and the 12 steps are a great way to find that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So Chevra, what are you waiting for? Sign up to join one of the six new phone conferences starting next week (see above). Regardless of what level addiction you may have, the 12-Steps can help you become a much better person and find true fulfillment in your life. And with so many new hourly options, there's no more excuse that "the time doesn't work out for me!" :-)

Member's Chizuk

Operating Less Out of Selfishness

By Eye.Nonymous

I was talking with someone about the idea of changing our personalities through the 12-Step program. He said, "Is it really true?  I can really change?". It seemed a bit hard to believe.

So, I explained it like this:

It's very rare to find someone who is ENTIRELY SELFISH. We all have our moments when we're motivated by self-interest, and our moments when we are truly motivated by a concern for others.

However, part of our addiction is, that we tend to go in the wrong direction more of the time, and especially when it counts.

But in essence, all we're learning to do in recovery is to activate our selfless side more often, and to operate less often out of selfishness.  And, there's a lifetime of opportunities to improve in this area.

SO WE'RE NOT BECOMING SOMETHING WE'RE NOT! WE'RE JUST LEARNING TO USE A POSITIVE SIDE OF OURSELVES MORE OFTEN, A SIDE WHICH IS ALREADY THERE!

Testimonial of the Day
 

That Very Day

"BairachBakol" writes:

I've been acting out and looking at inappropriate images since the age of 12-13. With a computer in my room, the internet and its poison filled my heart and mind at a very young age. I was a top Bachur, and I was sure marriage would solve the problem, but it didn't. I had ups and downs over many years... When I was down, I felt like a zombie, detached from my other 'very religious self', a hypocrite, etc...  

During one recent clean period, I asked Hashem to help me make this not just "another" clean period, but my teshuvah shleimah before Him...

That very day, my wife confronted me that she found shmutz on her computer and asked me to explain... B"H I admitted everything to her and explained that I was on the path of recovery and that the shmutz was old. 

(Interestingly enough, I read in Tzidkas HaTzadik last night that Hashem will sometimes put in our heart to daven for something in order that he can grant it to you, which is the meaning of the famous Gemarah in Brachos about tefilah shegurah).

Upon my wife's prompting, I went to see my Rosh Yeshiva and we spoke for a little while about my past issues and he told me that he wants to be my support if Chas Veshalom I ever fall, and he wants me to periodically check in to tell him how I'm doing.

I have been reading the handbook nearly every day and I've been reading chizuk emails each day as well. I'm close to two months clean and I'm extremely grateful to GYE and recognize that I almost certainly would not be where I am today without it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 

Link of the Day

Sustaining Our Growth
 

 By Naftali Z.
 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
 

Personal Victory of the Day

Perfectionism is Part of the Addiction

"An Honest Mouse" writes:

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Member's Chizuk

A Problem Bigger Than Us
 

"1daat" writes:

Important Announcements

We are happy to announce the launch of the following 12-Step phone conferences next week, be'ezras Hashem.

1)     Dov (from the "Daily Dose of Dov") will be starting with his group this Sunday, December 12. See this page for more info. The phone conference will be twice a week. Contact Dov to join.

2)     Duvid Chaim will be launching his popular group at 12 PM (EST) on Monday December 13. It will be Monday through Thursday, each week. See this page for more info. Contact Duvid Chaim to join - or just call in!

3)     Steve will be launching his group at 8:30 AM (EST) on Monday, December 13. It will be each week, Monday through Thursday. His group will be following Duvid Chaim's group, so you can join either one and still be on the same page! See this page for more info. Contact Steve to join - or just call in!

4)     Shlomo will be launching his group at 10:20 PM (EST) on Monday, December 13. It will be each week, Monday through Thursday. His group will also be following Duvid Chaim's group, so you can join any of the three calls each day and still be on the same page! See this page for more info. Contact Duvid Chaim for questions - or just call in!

5)     "Letakein" will be launching a group for women on Monday, December 13. It will be each week, Monday through Thursday. Her group will also be following Duvid Chaim's group. See this page for more info on the goals of the group. If you are a woman who wants to work the 12-Steps with an experienced moderator and a group of women like you, contact us for more info on this group.

6)     Daniel will be starting his group this Monday, December 13. The phone conference will take place twice a week, each Monday and Thursday at 3 PM (EST). See this page for more info. Contact Daniel to join.

7)     And of course, Elya's popular group will also be continuing once a week, each Wednesday evening at 7:45 PM. See this page for more info. Contact Elya to join, or just call in!

Announcement

Duvid Chaim & Crew Launching Ship Tomorrow!

We are happy to announce the launch of the following 12-Step phone conferences tomorrow, be'ezras Hashem.

1)     Duvid Chaim will be launching his popular group at 12 PM (EST) on Monday December 13. It will be Monday through Thursday, each week. See this page for more info. Contact Duvid Chaim to join - or just call in!

2)     Steve will be launching his group at 8:30 AM (EST) on Monday, December 13. It will be each week, Monday through Thursday. His group will be following Duvid Chaim's group, so you can join either one and still be on the same page! See this page for more info. Contact Steve to join - or just call in!

3)     Shlomo will be launching his group at 10:20 PM (EST) on Monday, December 13. It will be each week, Monday through Thursday. His group will also be following Duvid Chaim's group, so you can join any of the three calls each day and still be on the same page! See this page for more info. Contact Duvid Chaim for questions - or just call in!

4)     "Letakein" will be launching a group for women on Monday, December 13. It will be each week, Monday through Thursday. Her group will also be following Duvid Chaim's group. See this page for more info on the goals of the group. If you are a woman who wants to work the 12-Steps with an experienced moderator and a group of women like you, contact us for more info on this group.

5)     Daniel will be starting his group this Monday, December 13. The phone conference will take place twice a week, each Monday and Thursday at 3 PM (EST). See this page for more info. Contact Daniel to join.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Testimonial of the Day

6 Months Clean - For Today

Posted by "Ur-a-Jew"

Thank You Hashem for giving me my second 90 days of sobriety.

I first started pursuing lust in my early teens, and now nearly 30 years later, it's the first time that I have gone more than 6 months without porn or masturbation.

Moreover, I can happily say that it has also been at least:

• 6 months since I've picked up a New York Post (I may sometimes be behind in the news, but its no great loss);
• 6 months since I read through the New Yorker or New York magazine which inevitably had something improper to read or look at;
• 6 months since I've been on Facebook; 
• 6 months since I've looked at any improper video on youtube (I think I may have been on the site several times, but it was limited since my computers now block it out);
• 6 months of working on my marriage; and
• 6 months during which I have been working on, even if at times I have been unsuccessful, the issue of lust in the bedroom. 

The list goes on and on, and B'ezras Hashem it will continue to grow.
 

But I'm not cured, and don't know if I'll ever be... When one of my sons had wanted to look at a basketball program yesterday, I gave it to my wife to censor first. She pulled out two pages with non-tznius pictures, ripped them up and put them in a cup. This morning as I'm driving to shul, I noticed these shreds in the cup, and a thought flashed across my brain for a second, "if I wanted, I probably could put them back together". I had no real thought of doing it, but I was very grateful for the reminder from Hashem saying: "Yes it's six months, congratulations. But don't think that you're 'cured' even for a minute. In three seconds, you can be back to doing the same old stuff". 

So while I'm grateful for the 6 months clean, I am looking forward to remaining sober till the end of TODAY.

I would be remiss if I didn't continue to thank (and I should on a daily basis) Guard for the wonderful site, Dov for guiding me through the 12 steps, and my defacto partners Stuart and Andrew on the forum, who check up on me on nearly a daily basis, and to all the other wonderful members of this site who are helping me enjoy life. May you all have much bracha in everything you do and continued sobriety in all aspects of your life.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

12-Step Attitude

Learning From My Wife's OA Call

By "Ur-a-Jew"
 

This morning I listened in to my wife's OA call and I had some observations. 

Many of us (myself included) sometimes have our doubts whether we are addicts (maybe its not really "doubts" but simply pride). Listening in to others describe a different type of addiction - in this case a "food addiction" - made it very clear to me that I was an addict. I heard how someone can obsess over food the same way I obsess over lust. And how they try to give it up, the same way I try to give up lust.  The speaker was describing how, one time she started eating leftovers from her neighbor's garbage that she had noticed was in there (the only reason she stopped is because her neighbor saw her in the act). To a non-food addict, even to a lust addict, we can think to ourselves, "how can she do something like that? Doesn't she have any self-respect?" But, if I take a step back and look at myself, am I really any different? When I desire to "eat" with my eyes from someone else's garbage posted on the internet, I am sure my wife would say, "how can he do something like that?". (And how many of us would take magazines out of garbage bins as well?)

Another time, the woman on the call described he she would get into car accidents as a food addict, for example, once she was reaching down to get that "last chip" which dropped on the floor of the car, despite the fact that she had already consumed a whole bag. And while she was bending down, she rear-ended someone. And we will do the same thing with porn. I've have heard from a number of people how they got into car accidents because they were so busy trying to get another look at someone they had noticed on the road, or were just exhausted from their pursuit of lust.

And my wife can never understand how sometimes I can just keep "nosh" or cake in my office and not eat it. Just like I can't understand how someone can be alone with open internet all day, and not stumble.

The second thing I took from the call, was when the speaker described how, as part of step-one, a food addict has to completely give up triggering foods. 100% - No exceptions. So someone asked, "well, sometimes I give up triggering foods but then I find myself looking for my "fix" from munching on carrots. Now carrots are not a triggering food for me". To which the speaker responded that not only do we have to give up "triggering foods", but also "triggering behaviors." What I took from that is, that it is not enough to give up porn and lust, but I have to give up some of my other behaviors - that may otherwise be legitimate, but not when I use them as a way to medicate myself.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Attitude Tip of the Day

There's No Magic Pill

"Desperate" wrote:

Sometimes, if I really want to act out, I'll text somebody for help, but I know that this is my excuse. I'll tell myself that I 'acted out' cuz I reached out and it 'didn't help', so I don't feel so bad about acting out.

It's all about ATTITUDE. I got to change my attitude.

"Rage" responds:

Wow, that really hit home... I think I did a lot of things that I considered "steps" towards my "recovery" simply to act out more. Like I did things in order to rationalize to myself that I tried, I failed, so I can go ahead and do what I want now... It's messed up - I know, but there it is... I've done that with "reaching out" too... Like I'd talk to someone in SA and "reach out" and then go and act out thinking, "oh my dear lord, you see, I did what I was supposed to"... and my sick twisted mind had planned the whole thing that way from the beginning (in my subconscious). And I've also fallen minutes after "davening" with all my kavana, "please, please don't let me fall"...
 

I think that as long as we think that there is a "magic" trick we can do to save ourselves, like "reach out" or "surrender" or "daven to Hashem" then we are destined to fail because there is no magic pill, magic prayer, magic surrender, or any single act that will save us from acting out... I think the only way to do it is to die a little bit... the only way to 'do it' is to do it... It hurts, but the pain of falling eventually becomes so much greater than any pain we feel letting go of our "safety"...

It's like you say, it's about attitude... If our attitude is that "I cannot afford to lust anymore because it's too dangerous for me" then we can use little tools like "reaching out" and praying and surrendering to help us remind ourselves of our recovery, but if we're not in the right frame of mind, all this stuff is just vapor...

Final Announcement

Duvid Chaim & Crew Launching Ship Today!

If you didn't catch Steve's group at 8:20 AM (EST) or Duvid Chaim's Group at 12 PM, you can still catch Shlomo's group at 10:20 PM tonight! See this page for more info. Contact Duvid Chaim for questions - or just call in! 

Daniel is also launching his group today at 3 PM (EST). See this page for more info. Contact Daniel to join.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Torah Thought of the Day

Before vs. After

This d'var Torah is so important that we decided to bring it now, even though it's related to Parshas Vayishlach. "Yashuv V'Yashuv" wrote:

I just wanted to share some Chizuk I found over Shabbos in Nesivos Shalom (Beraishis pg 213-14, Inyan Yaakov and Eisav).

In Avodas Hashem we need recognize the severity of Chet, and how far away Chet removes us from HKB"H. One should recognize that he's trading in the closeness of Elokim Chaim for crude, disgraceful lusts. But that's the attitude one should have BEFORE the Chet. If one already succumbed to Chet and had a fall, the attitude should be the reverse - HKB"H does not want us to be distant and rejected. His uttermost desire is for us to come back, and we should try and find the way to find Him. Through that, He will set us back on our feet and return us to the spiritual level we were at before we fell. 

However, Eisav's ilk, "Klipas Eisav", seeks to reverse our attitudes. First he's "Achicha" - your brother, then he's "Eisav" - the notorious Rasha. Before the Chet, the Yetzer Hara has you thinking that what you're about to do is really fine, Mutar, and that you won't be distanced from HKB"H. He offers his brotherly support and encouragement. After the fall, he shows his true colors and seeks to break your spirit saying that you're a lost case, banished from this world and the next - and that there's no way to repair and return. Yaakov's solution to this threat is "V'Yachatz..." - to split into two camps - to apply the two attitudes - (1) to see the severity of Chet before the fall, and (2) to see the opportunity we have after a fall, to pick ourselves up and return to our prior Madreigos.
 

Listen also to this 5 minute audio clip from Rav Shafier.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
 

Attitude Tip of the Day

Comparing is Deadly

Someone who had a fall and was depressed wrote to Elya:

Some people on GYE have been in recovery for years and yet they still say 'I'm weak'. This gets me depressed. If they're weak, what chance do I have? I expect someone in recovery for years to say "I'm strong" not "I'm weak".

Elya replies:

None of us want to start over again. We want the world and everyone in it to treat us kindly, say the right things every time, and meet our demands and deadlines. It's all about us; ME, ME, ME, ME. 

Depression is anger turned inward. You seem angry at people who say they are weak. Yet, you're beating yourself up and they're still sober, weak or strong. Don't judge your recovery comparing yourself to other people. Comparing is deadly. They are not you. They didn't have the same upbringing, history, wife, children, education, etc. Stand up for yourself and don't listen to what everyone else has to say.

The only way out of depression, aside from Prozac, is action. Instead of wallowing in your own misery, do something fun for yourself that's HEALTHY! When was the last time you and your wife went out to a shiur or to dinner together?

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Quote of the Day

Living Each Day with Meaning

As her six-year struggle with cancer wound down to its bitter end, Elizabeth Edwards wrote on her internet blog:

"The days of our lives, for all of us, are numbered. We know that. And yes, there are certainly times when we aren't able to muster as much strength and patience as we would like. It's called being human. But I have found that in the simple act of living with hope, and in the daily effort to have a positive impact in the world, the days I do have are made all the more meaningful and precious. And for that I am grateful."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

12-Step Attitude

Procrastination

Avraham wrote:

The 12 step program, specifically step 5 (addressing my list of fears), really helped me overcome procrastination. I was holding myself back from doing so many things that I knew I should be doing. But after the chevra on Duvid Chaim's call helped me let go of my fears, I took my responsibilities head-on and dealt with them. Or as Duvid Chaim says, "I grew up".

Join Duvid Chaim's phone conference. They just started a new cycle this week! See this page for more info.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
 

Personal Victory of the Day

Sobriety is a Terrible Thing to Waste
 

By "Kedusha"
 

I just got an "innocent" commercial e-mail which contained a picture that is just the type of thing that I find very triggering.  If I didn't act fast, my entire sobriety would be at risk of collapse.  Boruch Hashem, I was able to apply the three second rule (actually, quite a bit faster).  I immediately covered the screen, deleted the message and emptied my deleted items folder to make the message completely irrecoverable. Frankly, that hurt somewhat, and still does, but the alternative would have hurt a trillion times more (I'd say a quadrillion, but you'd think I'm exaggerating!).

To paraphrase the UNCF - "Your sobriety is a terrible thing to waste!"  B'Ezras Hashem, I'm now up to day #560 clean.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Saying of the Day

Do not ask the Lord to guide your footsteps if you are not willing to move your feet.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Announcement 1

Elya Coming to New York
 

Elya's Phone Conference

Tonight, at 7:45 PM Eastern Time

This is an open invitation to everyone to join the Call

Call in number: 1-712-429-0690
Access PIN: 225356#

Please join us!

Elya will be in Brooklyn on December 22, and in Queens on the 23rd. Whoever wants to join a 'GYE Get-Together' with Elya, please write to him to ask/suggest the time and place.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 

Announcement 2

Let Your Wife Know!

A New Phone Conference Group Beginning for Spouses of Addicts

Hi, My name is Miriam and I would like to introduce myself. My husband is Duvid Chaim, who leads a phone conference for the men, and he brought to my attention that the wives of the men who attend his call would like to join a program too. You see, if you are married to an addict, you are very likely struggling with co-dependency issues.

My background is attending and sponsoring people in CODA (Co Dependent Anonymous) for the past 4 years, and I have been active as a life coach for the past year. We will be starting a phone conference next week Monday, December 20th, to help the spouses of addicts with the Green Book (which is The 12 steps and 12 Traditions workbook of Co-Dependents Anonymous).

We already have a few women on board. If you feel your wife needs help and support, please ask her to join this group.
 

Any woman who wants to join should purchase a hard copy of the Green Book. It can be bought on Amazon.com over here.

Miriam can be contacted at miriamgye@gmail.com for questions, or you can call her at: 318-599-9408.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Q & A of the Day

My Shavuos Don't Work!

Someone wrote us:

I made a promise to HASHEM that I will not be pogem habris this week, but I broke it twice. I feel really bad, and I'm afraid that I will do it more times. What should I do?

Reply:

Shavuos don't usually work very well in addictions - if the shavuah is simply not to act out. The trick is learning how to make shavuos WISELY. Here's one powerful example of how to make a wise shavuah:

Make a list of good things to do... spiritual things, like saying tehilim for 10 minutes, being maavir sedra 10 minutes, and / or calling your parents, etc... You can also add "calling a friend from the forum" to the list...

Then, make a shavuah that if you don't do all the things on your list before acting out, you'll have to give $200 to Tzedaka.

This way, you aren't making a shavuah NOT to act out. With this system, you can tell yourself that you can still act out, but you need to first do the things on your list - otherwise it will cost you!

Just thinking of the list of things you need to do will usually be enough to deter you from acting out. That's what is meant by making "Smart" shavuaos.
 

See the TaPHSiC method on our website for more on this idea.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Torah Quote of the Day

Zohar, Bereshit 240b
 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 

Saying of the Day
 

By Ambrose Redmoon

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Therapy Tip of the Day

Candeo Training Course

We received the following e-mail:

I came across your website and I think you are doing a great Chesed to all of Klal Yisrael. This is a very important issue.

There is a secular website which offers a training course on how to deal with pornography addiction. It is actually an online course and costs about 50 dollars per month. This is by far the best program I have ever seen on this issue and it was founded by Mark Kastleman, a world renown sex addiction psychologist.

For various reasons, I had to be separate from my wife for over a year. The Candeo program helped me deal with the lack of intimacy and the strong desires I started to exhibit after our marital separation. 

I have to say, the program goes much further than sex/porn addiction; it really helps relationship building and helped me tremendously in rebuilding my marriage, my davening and connection to God. It also helped me realize that I had several obsessive compulsive tendencies which were impeding my relationship with my wife.

The program is broken down in 2 components. The first is a training course which takes several months to complete. This course includes exercises and assignments and uses multimedia presentations. It is absolutely fabulous. The second part is called Candeo Plus and deals with maintenance and relationship building.

The Candeo program offers fantastic solutions to people who live in a modern world and have exposure to constant sexual temptations by just going to work, going to school, walking the street, going on the computer and the likes. The solutions and techniques it offers are very much inline with observant Jewish thought. Although the program is not "religious" or "Jewish", it is clearly done by G-d fearing people who have a strong bend toward spirituality and cherish the Husband-wife relationship. The program is also exceptional for people like me, who are not sex addicts, but who work very hard to live a frum and kosher lifestyle while trying to live in a modern world full of temptation and find ourselves constantly bombarded with pornography and the like.

I also found the program very helpful in explaining these issues to my son, who is now a young teenager.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Torah Thought of the Day

Sh'giah vs. Va'Yigash

By "AA1977"

I learned a beautiful thing in R' Yitzchak Ginsburg's "Living in Divine Space":

He says that the Baal Shem Tov taught us that we mustn't let humility prevent us from serving Hashem. However unworthy we may feel we are, if we approach serving Hashem with such feelings, we'll lack enthusiasm and zest - and these are things we need when serving Hashem. And on the other side - once we've achieved something - we learned, davened, whatever, then we need to have humility that it was really all a gift from Hashem. 

He connects this to the words "Sh'giah" (to make a mistake) and 'Va'Yigash" (to come close - as in "vayigash eilav Yehudah" in last week's parsha). The root of both words are the two letters Shin and Gimmle. In the word for mistake, sh'giah, the shin comes before the gimmel. In the word 'to come close', hagashah, the gimmel precedes the shin. 

He says that the gimmel stands for gaavah, arrogance, and the shin for shiflut, humility. The way to come close to Hashem is to first have arrogance - to approach Him and serve Him despite our faults, but then afterwards to have humility, to know that whatever we achieved is all a gift from Him.

But if we put the shiflut first, so that we don't serve Him with enthusiasm and zest, and then put the gaavah afterwards, taking credit for whatever we did achieve, then we're on a mistaken path.

With a sin, it's the other way around. Before the sin, we need shiflut, the knowledge that only Hashem can help us. But if a person fell already, he needs to push aside depression and guilt and 'be haughty' to serve Hashem with renewed diligence, despite his faults.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
 

Testimonial of the Day

Rabbi Avraham J. Twerski sent us the following e-mail today:
 

I referred a woman (whose husband is suffering from porn addiction) to your website. Here's her response:

Thank you for being available and helping me out when I thought I'd never smile again. The website is huge. My husband and I are totally using it. My husband will also be seeing your son tomorrow morning Iy"h. He seems professional, no nonsense and calming. Thanks for your swift replies and for devoting your life to helping people. Only Hashem rewards that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Times of the Year
 

Asarah B'Teves

Strengthening Our Fortifications

Parsha Talk - VAYECHI: 
 

Three Divrei Torah by "An Honest Mouse"

Hashem put us here on purpose

''vayechi yaakov be'eretz mitzrayim"

Yaakov avinu found a way to live in Mitzrayim. After years of 'seeking to live in tranquility' (see Rashi at the beginning of Vayeshev), he finally realized that life isn't supposed to be perfect. It's not if only x,y,z happens that I can make the best of myself, etc... Our set of circumstances are tailor-made for us by Hashem and He wants us to make the best of ourselves in that very situation - even in Mitzrayim. All of life's troubling episodes are also orchestrated by Hashem, and all He wants from us, is the best we can be in that particular circumstance.

He put us in 'Mitzrayim' (i.e. gave us the addiction) on purpose. It's all for our good so we can be the best of what He wants us to be.
 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Adversity Breeds Greatness

'b'cho yevoraich yisroel - yesimcho Elokim k'ephraim v'chimenashe"

We bless our sons that should grow up to be like Ephraim and Menashe. Why not the other shevatim, why dafka these two? 

I heard that these two are the ones who grew up in lowly, depraved mitzrayim and still became shevatim! In the long golus, where we are surrounded by tempting, depraved cultures, we bless our sons that they should thrive spiritually, just like Ephraim and Menashe, in spite of the difficult surroundings. 

That is our prayer for our children - and so too for ourselves. Let's take chizuk from Ephraim and Menashe and realise that they were chosen because this is the nisayon we are supposed to live through - and yet, we can still raise  ourselves to the greatest heights we can possibly reach!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Haste Makes Waste

'pachaz kamayim al tosar'

Yaakov Avinu told Reuven that he lost his firstborn privileges because he was too hasty with the incident of Yaakov's bed. He was quick to react, without first digesting the information and weighing up the alternatives. Surely he should have asked Yaakov.

Yosef, on the other hand - who got Reuven's privileges (two Shevatim) was able to stop and ponder his father's image and the consequences of his actions before he would fall with eishes Potiphar. Perhaps that's why Yosef was zoiche.

The moral of the story is that, when we react quickly to life's situations i.e. resentments and fears, we will do the wrong thing and we will most likely turn to lust to escape from our frustration. Reuven's fault was haste; we need to learn (as Duvid Chaim stresses on his call) to PAUSE - not to react so quickly to life, but to be more aware of why we are motivated to act in a certain way, what's our negiah - only then, as Yosef showed, can we remove ourselves from the clutches of lust.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 

12-Step Attiude

Talking to Hashem

Sometimes we just need to get down on our knees and beg Hashem to save us (see here for the halachos of kneeling by R' Simcha Feuerman, Director of Nefesh). We need to get used to stopping whatever we're doing when the lust attacks, and just have a talk with Hashem. If we get an attack while driving, pull over to the side of the road and write a letter to Hashem. "Tatty, help me find in you what I seek in the image of that woman", or "in that fantasy"... "Tatty, I am powerless over lust".
 

Powerless

Powerless doesn't mean we have to use it. Powerless means we recognize that if we start using it, we will get an "allergic reaction" and need to use it more and more. We can't use lust 'a little' like most people. If we start using it, we'll need to use it till it kills us. And when we recognize that we are powerless over it, we become free from using it. Because we recognize that we simply can't use it anymore. We have to stop.
 

No Matter What

We have to be willing to take pain. No one said that recovery won't hurt. But the chiddush of the program is that we won't die. We are actually free to choose. We don't have to use it, even if it hurts not to. We always thought we need it and that we'll die without it. That's a lie.

And once we decide that we won't act out anymore even if our tush falls off, we become free of the obsession. The obsession only remains with us when we leave even a 1% opening of the door saying, "maybe I really need it". Because then we tell ourselves that it's only a matter of time until we'll NEED to act out. But it's not true. We don't need to. We can choose to endure a little pain and not act out. And the pain gets less and less over time. We won't die. It passes. Everything in life passes, both the good times and the bad. We are truly free to choose.
 

Just for Now

All we have is the NOW. The future is not our business, and neither is the past. Otherwise, how can we possibly find the strength to stop? If we tell ourselves that "now" is just a spec in the overall picture we will ask, "what's the use of staying clean just now?". The only way to succeed is to recognize that all there truly is, is the NOW. And I can choose to stay clean now. I don't have to worry about the future. It doesn't belong to me. That is why "one day at a time" is such an important Yesod in the 12-Step program. It is the only way; it is the truth.
 

The Secret

Harvey, one of the founders of SA, says that the secret of the program is just two things: (1) decide you won't act out even if your tush falls off, and (2) make that call. Just pick up the phone and call someone when you feel weak. All the self-pity and loneliness that causes us to fall is just an illusion. It scatters like the wind when we pick up the phone and find that we aren't alone, and that other people care about us. The lust quickly dissipates when we connect with others...
 

The Only Thing

One experienced SA sponsor used to say: The reason many people continue to fall is because recovery is still not the most important thing in their lives. We need to put it before everything else; before our jobs, before our families and even before "Hashem"! G-d wants us out of the mud before anything else, for Heaven's sake! We can't do Mitzvos and learn Torah and serve G-d when we're in the mud, can we? That's why recovery comes even before religion! Addicts need to tell themselves that their ONLY real job in life is to STAY CLEAN. After all, if we don't have that, what do we have?

• Sexual lust can only be kept at bay by avoiding provocative sights and thoughts.

• Do not enter into negotiations with your desires, for the elaboration of your thoughts, even directed at annulling the desires, will have the effect of reinforcing the desires, and they can overcome you.

• Anyone who refrains from acting upon an opportunity to sin will have a miracle done for him.

• One who is pogem habris (breaches the Covenant) is as if he transgressed all the commandments.

• One who wants to guard his sexual purity should always say the truth, and should also always do kindness for one from whom he does not expect repayment. (Note: this sounds exactly like the 12-Step program. Integrity and selflessness are the key!)

• Sexual fantasies come as a result of the "Breaking of the Vessel of Kindness", and according to the degree of fallen sparks, so is the degree of the sexual fantasies. (Note: I'd like to propose that this means that our desires often stem from the subconscious yearning of our holy souls to be "givers". But since we are in a lowly world, our souls misinterpret the signals and the vessels of kindness are broken and perceived by our minds as lustful thoughts. It therefore follows, that those who have strong desires really have lofty souls. They simply need to work on reconnecting to the true source of their soul's desire for kindness and divine connection).

• A repair for spilling seed inappropriately is to make efforts to bring people to repent. (Note: Midah Kineged Midah. Also Step 12 of the 12 Steps)

• One who guards his sexual purity, even if he does not have ancestral merit, G-d grants him merit.

• Through sexual immorality, one looses his sense of shame.

• When one commits a sin, he later regrets it due to the divine spark within him. But when one commits a sexual sin he does not regret it, for the spark has already left him. (Note: Perhaps that is why the Zohar says that Teshuvah is impossible for the sin of spilling seed in vain. Not because Hashem won't accept it, but rather because it is so hard to do!)

• Through discord (Machlokes), one falls into sexual lust. (Note: Think R.I.D = Restlessness, Irritability & Discontent).

• Through favors one does for others, sexual lust is annulled, and so the opposite. (Note: Perhaps that is why the 12-Steps emphasize so much the idea of becoming less selfish and more of a "giver").

• Guarding sexual purity is the source of blessing.

• One who shuts his eyes to avoid seeing evil is saved from humiliations.

• One who does not look upon women, merits that his descendants will compile commentaries on the Torah.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Personal Victory of the Day

Took the Jump

Stuart writes:

I installed webchaver on my computer recently. Unfortunately it took a bunch of slips to make me do this. Now I feel bullet proof. 

I know that I still need to work on my internal traits. Working the steps together with all the other measures I am taking, will hopefully keep me clean.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Torah Thought of the Day

Close to Him When Up & When Down

Posted by "AA1977"

R' Kivak recently said in his shiur:

Rebbe Nachman teaches us to be 'baki b'ratzo' and 'baki b'shov' - to be experts at moving forward and experts at falling. 

When we fall, we need to know that Hashem is right there with us, next to us and by our sides. He still loves us and treasures us and is there for us. There's no despair.

And when things go well and we're moving higher, we need to know that we have to keep on striving for Hashem. He's so great that we can never 'arrive'. Maybe we haven't even started yet.

The problem is that we do the opposite. When we're down, we get resentful and depressed that things aren't going our way. And as soon as we have a little bit of success, we have a few pennies in the bank, we feel like we're okay and we forget about Hashem. We get proud.

The goal is to strive to be close to Hashem whether we're up or down.

I think these ideas are very important for us in our struggle here. When we're down, we need to have the gaavah to know that Hashem is still with us. He still loves us and is there for us. He never tells us that we're beyond hope. Despite whatever we've done, we need to turn to Him and carry on doing what we can to serve Him. 

And when things are going well, we need to have humility. To recognize that wherever we've got to is a gift, and to remember how dependent we still are on Hashem's grace, love and help. And we need to keep striving to foster an ever closer and closer relationship with Him, because "Le'gdulaso Ain Cheker - To His greatness there is no calculation".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

12-Step

Beginning Recovery

"Duvid Chaim" shares:

In the Doctor's opinion of the Big Book, we learned that that our disease is an "allergy" - meaning that our disease is actually out of our control, that we aren't bad or immoral or sinful people, but that we are under the effects of a disease - not only physical but also spiritual and mental. Accordingly, the pathway to our freedom from the disease is a spiritual one - one that implies that our efforts should be directed towards becoming more "aware" and connected of Hashem in our lives.

That's why we discussed The A&W Moments (Awe and Wonder)  as a way to stay "connected."  We need to learn to build our awareness of how G-d's hand is in our daily lives.  It could be as small as realizing how blessed we are to go to the bathroom or as major as seeing how we barely missed a car that had stopped in front of us without warning.  It could be the smell of a freshly bloomed rose, or seeing the sun set over the ocean. 

There are lots of awesome moments full of wonder that come into our life that we ignore or overlook. PLEASE take time today to see or feel them.

The 5 Attributes of a Man in Recovery are:

•  Unselfish - Who do I think about most?
• Absence of Profit Motive - Am I a giver or a taker?
• Community Spirit - Are you an "Island?"
• Believe in Themselves - "I may have made a mistake" (guilt) vs. "I am a mistake" (shame)
• Believe that the Power I have is from Above

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 

Announcement

Elya Coming to New York
 

Elya, from the weekly phone conference and hotline, will be in Brooklyn today, and in Queens tomorrow. Whoever wants to join a 'GYE Get-Together' with Elya, please write to him to ask for the time and place.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Testimonial of the Day

Told My Wife

"Zemirosshabbos" sent us an e-mail:

I should write an email every day to thank GYE for what it does for me and for all of klal yisrael. But I am writing now because of a special occasion. I told my wife this week of my struggles with lust; both the falls and b'h the victories. I could have done better with the planning, but it happened almost impulsively. I spilled the beans to her. And the greatest, most tremendous thing to me is how she reacted. She did not go running out the door. She did not pout for 3 days straight. She was appreciative and loving and understanding and impressed that I admitted to the problem and took steps to help myself.

Without GYE, the site with it's information and advice, and the forum where the most precious, kind-hearted tzadikim walk the streets, and the special friends I have made through GYE, there would have been no way that I would ever have reached a state where I can tell my wife, let alone know what to say and what not to say. I feel so good and happy that this barrier has been lifted from my marriage and I can face my wife honestly and have her support and understanding to assist me in the struggle.
I cannot thank GYE enough and I have a hard time thinking of an organization that has a bigger zechus than this holy work.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Torah Quote of the Day

Zohar, Devarim 266a
 

As they walked along, Rabbi Abba said, What is the meaning of the verse: "They have forsaken Me, the fountain of living waters, and have hewn them out cisterns, broken cisterns that can hold no water?" (Yirmeyahu, 2:13) 

The meaning of  "they have forsaken Me (oti)" refers to one who has forsaken "my sign," by being false to the imprint of the holy Brit. And how does he betray it? By bringing it into a foreign domain, as is said, "and took for himself the daughter of a foreign god,"  (Malachi, 2:11.) These women are called "broken cisterns," for all of the gentile nations are broken cisterns. 

But Israel's women are "a well of living waters." This is a holy domain, of a holy faith, and it is called a flowing well of pure, streaming waters, as is said, "streams from Lebanon," (Shir HaShirim, 4:15) and, "Drink waters out of your own cistern, and running waters out of your own well," (Mishle, 5:15.) Also, it is written, "A fountain of gardens, a well of living waters," (Shir HaShirim, 4:15) But the other domain (Sitra Achra) is called, "broken cisterns than can hold no water." 

Behold, the ever-flowing stream above (Yesod) waters all the Garden (Malchut) and irrigates every place, as we have already explained, until it fills that place in the Garden which is called "the well of living waters," which nourishes all of the upper and lower worlds, as is said, "And from there it was parted," (Bereshit, 2:10.)

But all the sides of the Left Side are not watered from that fountain of flowing water, because they are of the side of the other nations, and they are called "broken cisterns." 

And one who is false to the holy imprint of the Brit cleaves to this side of the broken cisterns that do not hold water, because the water does not flow into them.

While the man who merits to guard the Brit properly merits to drink of the waters of that flowing stream in the world to come, and causes that upper well to be filled in order to send forth blessings above and below. Fortunate is he in this world and in the world to come. About him it is written, "And thou shall be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water whose waters never fail," (Yishayahu, 58:11.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Personal Victory of the Day

Serenity With Hashem is the Key

Levi, a Talmid of Duvid Chaim's phone conference writes:

I had a test this morning. I was hungry, cranky and in a bit of irritability. I had a plan to go into my office, make two important phone calls that would be critical (or so I thought) regarding about $1000 of disputed bills that a company claimed I owed.

I suddenly got called into a staff meeting that was not on my calendar and it threw me into a state of tension and irritability because it wasn't my plan for the morning.
I made a mental note that I was entering a danger zone in my mood and continued on to the meeting.

As if on queue, I was struck by a lust though attack revolving around a very female attractive co-worker.  BUT, what made this time different was that I detected the clear connection between my internal anger/discontent and my lust urge.  I decided to work on uprooting the negative attitude towards the meeting (by quietly focusing on the fact that it was G-d's will I be there now, and all was all right) and I found myself getting calmer. I also made efforts not to glance in the wrong direction to avoid further triggers. As the meeting ended I was in a calmer state and the lust urges were diminished.

As I got back to my office, I made those phone calls that I had been so uptight about to find to my surprise that the entire charges against me were forgiven and everything was fine. The entire tension had been based in an unnecessary ego binge.
 

What a blessing to finally have a tool to detect early warnings of a lust urge (like a tzunami detector) by being aware of our perceptions and motivations. I never thought it was possible, but serenity with HaShem is the key.
 

Duvid Chaim Responds:

Levi's observations are so profound and accurate; like an arrow hitting the bull's-eye! In fact, my friends, it really is all about awareness, about "checking in" with yourself, about "monitoring" how you're feeling, what's going on around you and how you are "re-acting" to all this "stuff." Most men just simply ignore all this information and chalk it up to "just another crappy day."  

And what happens next? With this Restlessness, Irritability and Discontent, we go to our medicine cabinet and we pull out our "drug of Choice." Doctors and Therapists will tell you right away how "soothing" it is to act-out. Just like shooting up with heroin, we feel the rush of relaxation, our eyes roll back and we are instantly transported away to another place. To a "place" that we say, "thank G-d, I'm in this moment and don't have to face my life." 

It's no wonder we get addicted to P-rn and Mast---.  Let's face it, in the Categories of Drugs, it's pretty darn good. 

• It's free!
• I'm not going to die from an overdose! 
• It's private!  
• It really, really works! 
• And for a few brief moments in time, I'm in total control of my life - A LIFE that is usually in total control of ME!

As Levi witnessed, we can make the DECISION that we're going to alter our attitude towards people around us.

When we make the DECISION to alter our typical routine and the expectations we have...

When we make the DECISION to say to ourselves that SEX is OPTIONAL... then we've turned the corner to RECOVERY.

Maybe, you still feel that you have a long way to go. But you know what? I think that same thought everyday. But the truth is, I can't do anything about the past. And I sure can't do anything about the future. So for me, and any addict, the only time I can do anything about is RIGHT NOW.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Parsha Talk: Shovavim
 

The Start of SHOVAVIM

This week begins the series of weeks called "Shovavim", which stands for the first letters of the Parshios Shemos through Mishpatim. Shovavim is a calling for Teshuva, as the Pasuk says "Shuvu Banim Shovavim - Return, wayward children!". This period covers the servitude of Mitzrayim and the subsequent redemption. Below, we bring a nice quote from Rabbi Twerski's daily tips, which can help us understand why this period is so "mesugal" and important for Teshuvah:

"I am your God Who has delivered you ,"from the land of Egypt" (Shema, Numbers 15:41). 

This verse is recited twice daily, because the deliverance from Egypt was more than a historic event. It was a deliverance from a state of enslavement, and this deliverance should repeat itself daily in everyone's life.
 

No enslavement and no tyranny are as ruthless and as demanding as slavery to physical desires and passions. Someone who is unable to resist a craving, and who must, like a brute beast, do whatever the body demands, is more profoundly enslaved than someone subject to a human tyrant. Addicted people are an extreme example of those who have become slaves to their bodies. 

Dignity comes from freedom, in the capacity to make free choices, and hence, in our ability to refuse to submit to physical desires when our judgment indicates that doing so is wrong. Freedom from domination by the body is the first step toward spiritual growth."

Today I shall ...

... declare my freedom from the tyranny of my body. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Parable of the Day

What kind of Redemption do you aspire to?

Yashuva V'Yashuv writes:

I found this Fantastic Mashal today, which is relevant to all of Sefer Shemos:

A great sage was staying at an inn far from his home. Late at night, he sat down to say the Tikkun Chatzos, the lamentations over the destruction of the Temple that pious people say after midnight. The sage was so moved by the words of the lamentations that he burst into tears.

The innkeeper came running. "Rabbi, rabbi, what happened? Why are you crying?"

"Because our holy Temple was destroyed," said the rabbi. "Ah, if only the Messiah would come already and take us all out of this exile! Don't you dream of such a day?"

The innkeeper fidgeted. "Well, what about my inn? What would happen to it? And what about my goats and my chickens? Will I have to leave them behind?"

"Your goats! Your chickens! Forget about them. Think about the wonderful life that awaits us in Israel."

"Well, to tell you the truth, rabbi. I'm doing fine right here. I'm not sure I want to change things so much."

"But don't you ever have trouble from the local riffraff that call you a zhid and steal your chickens in the night?" the rabbi asked, trying to find a way to inspire the simple innkeeper to yearn for redemption.

"Yes, you are right," said the innkeeper, his brow darkening for a moment, but he immediately brightened. "I have an idea, rabbi! Let's send all the riffraff to Israel, then we can live here in peace. That would be a fine redemption!"

I think there's so much depth to this. I wish for redemption - to finally break free from all the nonsense that's holding me down. The problem is, that my twisted vision of redemption is to take all the horrid feelings and consequences that result from my  indulgence in lust and send THEM away, while keeping the Geshmak of that lustful indulgence - the fantasy, the escape. 

What I fail to realize (in my kishkes), is that that's impossible. There's nothing Geshmak about that lust. If I were to view that lust from an outsider's perspective I'd see it for what it is - a truckload of empty filth!!

Ribono Shel Olam!Tatte!!  Help me remember that when I need it most!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Help, I found a way to bypass my filter!

Someone wrote to Dov:

Someone mentioned to me a way to bypass my filter and I was dumb enough to try it out. I guess I haven't had enough pain yet. G-d help me. I'm not in such a great state now, it's not easy knowing that even the good filter system that I have is basically worthless. Suddenly my struggle has been taken up a notch. G-d, doesn't the Satan have any boundaries anymore? 

Dov Replies:

I have no business using the internet for anything but what is actually helpful for our Work/work. I tell people that if they are going to test their filter in any way at all, they might as well not bother using a filter. The only reason I got a filter put on my computer (last month) is because it occurred to me that the reason I was not going with a filter is because I considered myself 'above those things'. That gayva alone will mess me up, so I put k-9 on my computer after months of slip-free internet use visiting, on and off, at my parents house alone and upstairs (and they had no idea how to even turn on the computer).

The filter does not protect us, period - only recovery does, and recovery is integrity, usefulness and intimacy with G-d, myself and other people. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

The Heavy Rock of Isolation

Adapted from an Aish.com article here.

The movie "127 hours" is the riveting story of American mountain climber, Aron Ralston, whose ordeal gripped the nation in May 2003 when he was forced to cut off his arm in order to survive his adventure.

The movie is fascinating, mesmerizing and very real. And all too human. I think we all recognize that Aron Ralston could be any one of us.

When Mr. Ralston set out on his adventure to climb Blue John Mountain in Utah, he didn't tell anyone where he was going. His mother called and he ignored her message. He lived a life isolated from others, pushing people away, avoiding intimacy.

When his arm gets stuck "between a rock and a hard place" (the title of his book and possibly the first time that expression was meant literally), he tries many different maneuvers in an effort to free himself - all without success. After a few days of fruitless attempts, the situation gets more desperate and he begins to reflect, "I'm such a big hero that I came out here and I didn't tell anybody where I was going. Oops."

Ralston is beginning to recognize this, to acknowledge that his isolationism is not a healthy attitude - neither physically nor psychologically.

He continues, "All my life I've been heading for this rock. And this rock was made just for me."

As the ordeal continues, Ralston becomes delirious. Death seems to be hovering. In a true act of desperation, he takes a knife, already dulled from repeated banging on the rock, and cuts off his arm.

He still needs to scale down the mountain and hike 16 miles...

But as he walks away from the scene, he looks back at the Blue John and says, "Thank you."

We are given no further explanation but since the mountain endangered his life, rather than saving it, we must assume he means "thank you for the experience, for the wisdom gained, the lesson proffered."

In Psalms (118), we say: "I will thank You because You have answered me; it has been for me a salvation." The word "answered" can also be translated "afflicted". We thank the Almighty for the affliction because that was the opportunity that truly changed who we are, that (hopefully) made us better.

Aron Ralston is a fortunate young man - not just because he survived, but because he recognized the lessons available for him to learn from this experience while he still had the time and ability to change.

Although he continues to climb mountains, he also works as a motivational speaker, doing the best possible thing we can do with our preciously bought wisdom - sharing it with others.

Married with a child, he no longer avoids intimacy and he never goes mountain climbing without telling someone where he is going.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We are all climbing a mountain in our struggle with this addiction. WE CAN'T DO IT ALONE! It is the isolation that got us stuck in this difficult situation in the first place!

When we find ourselves in a real slump we often tell ourselves as Aron did, "I'm such a big hero that I came out here and I didn't tell anybody where I was going. Oops." If only we had made that call and reached out for help BEFORE we fell, we could have saved ourselves so much pain.

As long as we remain in isolation, we will find ourselves stuck between a rock and a hard place. We may try to break free 100 times, but as Chazal say, "a prisoner can't release himself from prison". The Pasuk (Mishlei 28;13) says, "Mechaseh P'sha'av lo Yatzliach - He who hides his sins will not succeed" ... "Modeh V'ozev" - those who admit their powerlessness and reach out for help, "Yeruchem - will see mercy".

Try this: Make a neder or a strong Kabala that if you act out before talking with someone first, you will need to do something very hard or give a large amount to Tzedaka. This powerful idea will force you to make that call. And once we make the call and are out of isolation, we can find the strength to hold back 90% of the time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
 

Testimonial of the Day

The GYE Revolution

"Yossileibes" writes:

What an awesome powerful site this is! I've been receiving daily emails for quite awhile now and it is quintessential for both addicts and non addicts to read these emails. There is no human in this world who cannot better his shmiras enayim. In this technologically advanced world we must counteract these sexual tests with a movement such as GYE. I have donated my masser money to this site on numerous occasions, and I feel prouder then when I give to any other cause. All people that take part in this tremendous revolutionary war should know that you are elite soldiers and you belong in Hashem's Special Forces!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
 

Q & A of the Day

Our Sickness = Lack of G-d

Why do the 12-Steps claim so assuredly that Hashem will cure us if we let Him? Some people are sick with cancer and don't get cured...

David ("Rage") responds:

I have come to the following conclusion: We can never understand why Hashem sometimes cures the cancer patient and sometimes he seemingly sits back and watches... It would be foolish to begin trying to figure it out... But there is something special about this particular disease we have... You see, the cancer patient's problem is that these messed up cells are eating him up alive... We pray and sometimes Hashem cures and sometimes not.... The pneumonia patient has a problem with an infection in his lungs which is restricting the oxygen to his brain... We pray and sometimes Hashem will take away the infection and sometimes he will not.... But the sex addict - ahh, the sex addict - he suffers from a total disconnect from Hashem and from the reality that Hashem placed us in... It is NOT the case that we turn to Hashem in order to cure us... FALSE!... We are sick because we lack a proper G-d/reality in our lives. So by turning to G-d and accepting his reality, automatically we are becoming cured... Our sickness is one of a lack of G-d, so it's not that maybe G-d will cure us and maybe He will not, but rather when you have taken your life to Him and let Him control you, you are curing yourself of your disease....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Filter Tip of the Day

Get reports sent to your Rav!

yishmoreini.com

"The most deterrent power with the least intrusion!"

I know the perils and pitfalls of the internet.  I understand that I need something to protect me from those weak moments.  I have been disappointed by filters, white lists, blacklists etc...  I pushed it off for another year, and another year...

Created by award winning developers at Covenant Eyes and adapted by business leaders in our community - YishmorEini was born.  It is not a filter, it is not a new internet connection, and it does not block any web activity. 

Accountability & YishmorEini

Accountability software monitors Internet use and emails reports to people you select. YishmorEini works as a community based program and appoints the Rav of each community to be the accountability partner for his members.  Only inappropriate activity is flagged and sent to the accountability partner/Rav.

YishmorEini makes privacy our top concern. Our program is designed with many shields to secure that only the accountability Rav has access to ones reports and only the accountability Rav knows the identity of each member.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Practical Tip of the Day

One Step at a Time

From Rabbi Pliskin's "Consulting the Wise" - Rabbi Yechezkail Levenstein - Ohr Yechezkail, Midos, p.59;

When beginning to work on self-improvement, just try to go against a negative trait in one small way. Any positive change is already a beginning.

When you take that first step and make even a small change for the better, you have already begun transforming your entire makeup. You are taking control of yourself and your behavior.

With persistence, you will go very far toward your ultimate destination.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Lust vs. Sex:

"Lust" is a Motivation; "Sex" is an act

Someone asks Dov:

Although lust and alcohol addiction are similar in many ways, I find that there is one big difference that I struggle with. For someone going through the 12 steps when he is an alcoholic, he can have the mindset that the 1st drink is too much and that he can never have that first drink. With lust though, although the mentality is that "I cannot have the first drink of lust", one must still encounter this facet of his life (having relations with a spouse), as opposed to alcohol where one can simply avoid the situation. If one is an addict how is he supposed to balance the two? It seems to be that the alcoholic has an easier time to deal with this, since the answer at the end of the day can simply be to remove himself from alcohol and all places that associate with alcohol. One can't do that with lust, since sex with a spouse is part of someone's life? What are your thoughts?

Dov Responds:

Sex is far from the problem. Lust is the problem - and also self-honesty.

Lust is just getting and can only be getting. It may involve doing stuff to another person, but its value for me is measured in only one way: How good it makes my body feel.

Sex however, is just an activity. It's not really a need - it is just an act. Eating is an activity, too, but it is also a need. We will die without eating. But we will not die without sex - especially not tonight! Yet I feel I really need it, and tonight! Don't I sometimes? What's going on here?

Sex is just an activity. It is not necessarily an act of taking, nor an act of giving. Neither good, nor bad. It is not necessarily only about me and how it makes my body feel. It is fertile ground for joy and adding to, - or can be done desperately for getting from. The quality and reality of what is going on in it depends completely on me and how much Hashem helps me.

So then, how can sex be the problem? Clearly, we are the problem, and the only problem. Lust is not an act, but a motivation. Kavanah changes everything.

So the place that our change must occur is in the motivations we really have for living, for doing, for everything - if we really want things to be different. Scary? No need. Just a little, tiny drop of change is all that is needed, and it grows from there. As the AA's put it, "It's an inside job". Sure, plenty of adjustment to our activities and behavior are needed for inside change to occur, but the only thing that matters in the end is finally allowing ourselves to try for a change of our motivations. That's why 'acceptance' is so important - it will not work if it is not real to me or if I do not really need it. It's not na'aseh v'nishma acceptance that we need here, but rather the kofoh aleihem hahar kgigis. Apparently, since He did that after we said "na'aseh venishmah", it appears that He agrees!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Personal Victory of the Day

Called & Let Go!

"Honest mouse" wrote:

Walking home from work, I came behind a frum woman who was dressed in way which really triggers me. I will admit that while walking fast to overtake her, I 'drank in' the sight and lusted away. It lasted about 20 seconds, but while the opportunity was still there to catch more looks, I followed Dov's advice. I called my partner to admit my powerlessness and how lust makes my life unmanageable (I made sure the woman didn't hear me). I had to unload it really, not just to myself. B"H it really helped me move past it.

When I got home, I was able to send my wife for a rest and really enjoy playing with my kids - real pleasure, not fake pleasure. If someone had told me that I would be able to enjoy real life so soon after lusting without acting out on it, I would never have believed them! In the past, once I've opened up the can of shmutz, I couldn't move past it till I acted out first. B"H, I think this is the first major time I really moved past it, thanks to Hashem, GYE and my partner.

I realize this is only for today, it doesn't mean anything for the future, I wasn't koineh any madreigoh, it was just beautiful to be able to experience and I want more!

Then I experienced Hashgacha U'pratis later that evening. I stam called my partner and just then, at the exact same time that he answered, a frum woman dressed almost the same way walked by - and I was already on the phone with my partner so I could ignore her! Amazing!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

12-Step Attitude

Procrastination

Avraham (a Talmid of Duvid Chaim's groups) writes:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Member's Chizuk

We Can't, He Can

Someone wrote:

I fell again last night... I have learned that my urge is sometimes too powerful.

"Yosef Hatzadik" answers:

You're probably gonna fall again.

Why do I say this?

I read it in your post.

You wrote that you learnt that the urge is sometimes too powerful.

As long as you don't completely convince yourself that the urge is always too powerful, you are not sufficiently scared of it to avoid it at all costs! We MUST realize that that once we are over there, we are powerless! Whether we fall or not depends entirely on outside circumstances. WE ARE NOT IN CONTROL ANYMORE!

What is in our power to do, is avoid the urge and avoid triggers that arouse the urge. And we can ask the All-powerful Almighty God for help. We can harness His power. HE CAN DO ANYTHING.

With His invoking His power, last night's fall will be your last... EVER!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Lust Doesn't Work for Addicts

We continue below the discussion from yesterday (it is not necessary to have read yesterday's to understand today's):

Dov, it seems you are saying that the reason why lust is so bad (as opposed to the act of sex with one's spouse) is because it's a completely selfish act? 

Who said it's bad? Good/bad is a matter for religion.

All I am saying is that lust does not work. I cannot live successfully with it. Like the AAs discovered, "we cannot drink like gentlemen." Eventually, it throws us in the gutter.

That is the only thing that the recovery I am familiar with is concerned about: life just doesn't work with active addiction. And lust just doesn't work - for addicts. It may work OK for normal people, but not for addicts. We do not do well with moderation or controlled lusting. It eventually, ultimately screws us up and makes living impossible for us, and for the people around us.

And the answer that the program offers is getting not just faith, but a faith that really works, for a change.

Does all this make sense to you? 

But for me, the reason why lust makes my life unmanageable stems from an inner conflict. This conflict is a religious contradiction for me. I have guilt and sometimes become depressed after acting out. The reason why I feel guilty and depressed is because the acting out prevents me from becoming the type of person I want to become. Is this a good enough reason for me to say that my life has become unmanageable? It seems that my issue stems from a religious belief, but for me, this religious belief is so important that I can't live like this anymore. 

You know, I do not know that answer to your question because I haven't had that experience. I had tremendous inner conflict, but it did not stop me - in fact, I did not even get the help I really needed as a result of it. Perhaps you are getting it though. For me, the help I needed was a true change in lifestyle: I started coming out to other (safe) people about my problem, being fully open in meetings and with my sponsor, and actually coming to meetings with other perverts like me. That is when I started getting better. And in order to keep getting better, I need to become progressively more open with these people, and appropriately open with my wife - and really with everyone.

Now, I am not open about my addiction with everyone I meet, nor even with my wife - for example, I do not tell her "Sweetheart, I saw a woman on the train today who was so pretty that I am still dying to follow her to her car and talk to her." Not quite. I also do not share with her other crazy thoughts I have, like fear that I married the wrong person, fear of death, bewilderment about having purpose in my life or believing in G-d, or whether I am in fact and addict or not. Why should I share these things with her?

Truth be told, I used to try to share these very things with her - until she educated me that there is no sensible purpose in her learning about every crazy aberration in my brain - particularly if it will just scare her.

The reason I had to learn it (what to and what not to talk with her about) davka the hard way, was that I had been spending the past 11 years of our marriage lying to her and covering up and manipulating. Of course, I did not see what I was doing as that, but it was exactly that. So in the beginning, I wanted to do the opposite (generally a good approach to rehab) and tell her every tiny stupid thing, so I do not revert to secrecy and "the double life". Nu. I was wrong. Over time, I learned how to balance it a bit better - stupid crazy thoughts go to my sponsor and program buddies, while real life stuff goes to her. Generally speaking.

Make any sense?
 

It seems from your story that the next step that you would have had to take, would have led to loss of your wife, children, etc... For me, however, the next step is just not being able to live with myself. I know this will be a tough question to answer, but can where I be right now be considered rock bottom? 

I do not see why it cannot be so. There are many alkies who have not lost jobs, are young, etc - and are going to meetings and are sober. Perhaps it all depends on how you treat yourself. If you take the measures indicative that you feel you are truly in deep trouble, then you will be OK. If you minimize it, then the denial will keep you in the addiction cycle.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Announcement

Looking for Director of the Jerusalem Work Center
 

For people whose wives need the internet - but they don't want to have internet at home, there is a solution in Ezras Torah Jerusalem: The Jerusalem Work Center. Now they are looking for someone to take over this important project.

The Jerusalem Work Center is an office in Shechunat Ezras Torah, for frum ladies who are looking to work in a friendly, social environment, while their house remains internet-free. The office offers rental space with high-speed internet for 1/2 and full day sessions. They rent space by the month, by the day or by the hour (or ½ hour). The price includes a table, office chairs, a printer-scanner-fax, high speed-internet and phone lines when necessary. There is a kitchen for everyone's use, including a toaster, hot-water and a fridge.

The person who is currently managing the office is looking for a replacement. There may be profit involved. If you are interested, please call: 02-502-3227

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Link of the Day

Bored and looking for something to watch?

Don't start sliding down the dangerous slopes of Youtube. Now there's KosherTube!

koshertube.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Personal Victory of the Day

20 Minutes

"Hashem's Soldier" posted on the forum:

I'm weak, I had a slip today with my eyes at work.... (A true addict is one who tries going to the website KNOWING it is blocked, and yet he tries to go to it anyway). 

 

I'm home alone, I still don't have a filter installed here and I want to have a fall.

 

I am making a shvuah that for the next 20 min, I will not go looking for shmutz without first reaching out to someone on the forum that I have contact with through texting.

Hashem, I admit that I am powerless and that I am dealing with a force and a desire which is above human nature, it controls human nature. Hashem, I recognize all of this, and I know that without You I have no chance, it's Your fight that you put in my hands, and the only way for me to win is with Your help. Hashem, please help me get out of this situation, and help me complete this night without EVEN a slip.

20 minutes later, "Hashem's Soldier" posts:

Ok, 20 minutes are up. What have I been doing? I've been lusting after Kedusha; listening to some Yosef Karduner. "Im ein ani li, mi li?..." Think about it. This thought has to be on the top of every addicts head. If I'm not willing to help myself, why should Hashem help me?

 
"Im lo achshav eimasai?..." We tell ourselves "it's Ok to fall, I'll just start my count again tomorrow, no big deal".....NO, NO, NO, NO! It is a big deal. If not now, when? The answer to that question is not tomorrow or in two days. If not now, NEVER. My life starts today!! From now on, full speed ahead!

AGAIN! I CAN'T DO THIS BY MYSELF. IT'S ALL UP TO HASHEM. The Nesivos Shalom basically says this fundamental idea for us addicts: We can't do it by ourselves, this is a tayvah which is above nature. But if we do something down here (israusa delesatah) then Hashem sends us presents from above and helps us to do the rest (isarusa dele'eila). But it only comes after we do OURS!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Letting Go of the 'Gimmies'

Someone asked Dov:

I keep asking myself why it's so d-mn hard for me when I see a woman pass by in the street. I feel like crying every time I pass a decent looking woman, that's how painful it is for me to look away and just let go of it.

Dov replies:

If you try to move on but can't seem to, and if you really want to let go of her image and of your 'gimmies', then instead of using her, immediately start praying for her health, safety, and protection from mistakes, lies, lack of true relationship with Hashem and with the important people in her life; from horrible tza'ar gidul bonim, hatred, mental illness, addiction, and early death, c"v.

Then move on with real life and enjoy what you have. If that is hard, then write down gratitude lists in shorthand quickly and about many areas of your life, health, whatever. It will remind you what life is about and what you've got. That's always more important that what you haven't got (fantasy). The fantasy leads only to pain.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Announcement

Mazal Tov to shemirateinayim on his upcoming wedding next week!

He is B"H over 230 days clean now, and he is one of the most inspiring members on our forum!

May he and his kalla be zoche to build a Bayis Ne'eman b'Yisrael, a house of Kedusha and Tahara, and a Binyan Adai Ad.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Parsha Talk

Tolerating Mitzrayim

"ZmirosShabbos" posted:

"Vehotzeisi Eschem Mitachas Sivlus Mitzrayim - And I will take you out from under the suffering of Egypt".

Hashem says I will redeem you from your spiritual exile, from the fact that you can tolerate the filth of Mitzrayim. You will reach a state where you cannot tolerate the degradation and defilement of Mitzrayim any more. (Likutei Imrai Chaim)

The word "Sivlus" means suffering, but it also means "tolerate". As long as we can be "soveil - tolerate" the Egypt, i.e. the Yetzer Hara, it can have an influence over us. If we reach a state where we cannot be soveil it anymore, then we will be able to break free of its grasp. That is what the first step (of the 12-Steps) is all about. We can't begin recovery until we hit bottom. Hitting bottom means, I have come to see that my life is unmanageable. I cannot tolerate the current situation any longer. It must change. Then, and only then, are we ready to truly surrender to G-d's help.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 

How dumb was Pharaoh / is our addiction?