Friday ~ 30 Shvat, 5771 ~ February 4, 2011
 Erev Shabbos Parshas Terumah ~ Rosh Chodesh Adar Aleph
 

 

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Category: Torah Thoughts > Parshas Terumah

 

We have the components of the Mishkan

 

The Beis Aharon of Karlin writes a very important Yesod on Parshas Terumah. The Mishkan had many different components, such as gold, silver, copper, blue thread, red thread, precious stones, animals skins, and so on... Each one had to be placed, carved, molded and weaved into its exact form and placed in its appropriate spot. The Mishkan had to have EXACTLY these components. If it would have been missing even one component, it wouldn't be able to be the house for Hashem's Shchinah that it was meant to be...

 

Every person is a small Mishkan. And every part of our life's circumstances, our traits, nature, disposition and our character is EXACTLY what we need to be the Mishkan that we are meant to be, to bring Hashem down into ourselves and into the world. As the Pasuk says, "Make for me a Mishkan and I will dwell inside them". It doesn't say "inside it" but rather inside THEM; inside each and every one of us.

 

We often think that "if only I didn't have such a strong desire for women", or "if only I was more healthy" or had better parnassa, or a better looking wife.... then I could have been a much better Jew"... Of course, we all believe that whatever Hashem does is for the best, but we often have to force ourselves to swallow our conditions and we still feel deep down, "if only things were different". But that is a big mistake. It's not just that our life's circumstances and natural tendencies are "barriers" that we grudgingly have to accept. They are - each and every one of them - components of OUR MISHKAN. If we had been any different by nature, or had a different life situation in any way, OUR MISHKAN would be incomplete and unable to be made into the house for Hashem's Shchinah that He had planned for us to be.

 

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Category: Testimonials

 

What a Beautiful Nation  

 

 "NoYiush", an older Bochur, wrote:
 

I'm over 30 days clean since joining the site. I installed k9 and webchaver and gave the password to friends.  I also receive the daily chizuk emails and regularly read the GYE site and forums to gain chizuk from other stories.  Additionally, I downloaded and read both handbooks front to back, and plan to continue reading them.  This, joined with keeping myself busy, seems to be working for now.  If it's not enough, I will have to think about joining a phone group.  Oh, and writing on these forums helps tremendously as well. 

 

I want all who comment on this thread to know that whatever success I attain in staying away from shmutz, you have a big part of it.  GYE and its member are so vital to me and my health. The Jewish people, what a beautiful nation, such love and caring for one another!   

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Category: 12-Step Attitude, Torah
 

Sha'ar Ha'Bitachon

 

Yosef, sober while in SA, writes:

 

Going through Sha'ar Ha'bitachon in Chovos Ha'livavos six times helped (and still helps) me tremendously. (Addicts should start from chapter 1, not the 'pesicha' introduction, to the sha'ar, I think). It's just 70 pages of warm, warm loving words of compassion and personal loving attention from Hashem to us: to every single individual in his own avoda/struggle. It's similar to 12-Step program literature in many respects. As one of my litvish friends in SA said, "you know, in Sha'ar Ha'bitachon you always find just the right thing to settle your mind and heart".

(I saw many letters where the Lubavitcher Rebbe advised it to those who were 'stressed out' 'perplexed' or 'overly down' on themselves, which is the complete opposite of our approach in SA to this blessed joyous life as Hashem's treasured people).

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

 

Only Frum SA Groups?

 

A fellow asked Dov what he thought of seeking out SA meetings that are exclusively/mostly frum (there are some). Dov responded:

 

Frankly, I do not understand the yiddin-recovery connection. I am not disagreeing with you, it's just that I do not understand it in my own experience. Here's why:

I am not sober because I am a y'rei Shomayim - if that was enough of a motivation for me then I'd have gotten sober long, long ago! Right? But I didn't.

Rather, the reason I became ready to give up acting out and start living sober was - and (I believe) still is - only because of the same stuff that motivated the goyim I know in recovery: staying sane and alive. Sure, my life was stinky while I was acting out, but the fact that I did not stop means to me that it was not stinky enough for me, yet. It had to get unmanageable. And even that was not really enough, till I recognized it as unmanageable. 

So what does the Torah, or other Jews, have anything to do with that?

Sure, being sober and working the steps fits into my Jewishness (and helps it a great deal) - but the sobriety comes first. As long as I am sober, there is room for Yiddishkeit in my life. If I am not sober, there is no room for anything but lies. And, as we know, Chosamo shel HKB"H is Emess. So there is not room for Him, and no room for the real me, either. Just a dead shell of me. Real life is 'on hold' for me.

That having been said, if you feel more comfortable being honest around other yidden, then go find a Jewish meeting! But I would not look for sobriety in their Jewishness. I just do not believe it is there. And I have seen my share of desperate addicts who saw their recovery as a Jewish thing, only to discover that they still needed to have one more layer painfully stripped away from their egos before they were finally ready to drop lust for real - not just to live up to a standard that they held very dear, but for themselves. 

One more thing. I believe that many people do not really comprehend how screwed up they really are until they humbly sit through to a few (live) meetings of sober sexaholics - and see their own reflection shockingly reflected back to them. Then the truth about how ridiculous their lives are, finally sinks in. And that's a good thing. No?

Sunday ~ 2 Adar, 5771 ~ February 6, 2011 

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Category: Attitude

 

People, Not Cut-Outs from a Magazine

 

By "Moving Up"

 

For once I feel like I have made some progress in this battle - after over a decade of failure.

 

The most amazing thing happened to me today. I had a day off and I was reading the White Book (I can relate to it more than the 12 Steps AA book.) I really tried to internalize it. I made notes for myself. I spoke to Hashem from the bottom of my heart. It really gave me a lot to think about.

Later today, I was in a store and there were 2 pretty women next to me. I got one look at them and the lust hit me, to the point that the fantasies started, I felt my knees starting to buckle. I quickly walked off to the side of the store to just breathe and to get a hold of myself. And then a bunch of things clicked at once, and I realized-  I'm not interested in these women I see at all. I'm interested in imagining my own pleasure with them - not for who they are as people, but just as objects for my lust. This is "object-ifying" them, in the truest sense of the word. And it's the same with the thousands of porn actresses and models I've lusted over - I could care less about them, they have just been imaginary sexual conquests to my mind.

This probably wasn't a smart move, but I then took another look at the ladies. And I didn't see 2 imaginary lust partners that I saw the minute before. I saw 2 people - one a devoted wife, the other a smiley girl in her early twenties going shopping. Both just going about their daily life in the world. Yes, they were pretty, but that's not WHO they are. They are people like me, and for me to view them as my imaginary sexual conquests, is to live in a delusional and poisonous (to me) fantasy world.

And two more times during the day when I saw pretty girls, I made myself stop and think. Yes, I find them naturally attractive - but they are not mine to lust over. They are people - just like me - people with hopes, feelings and aspirations. To lust over them like they are some cutouts from a porno magazine is a selfish outlook on the world. It's an outlook that revolves around my desires and wants and treats everyone else like mere sexual items to me.

The addiction caused me to get this twisted outlook that I've had for all these years, where every female is just a tool for my sexual desires. Have I gotten rid of it for good? I don't claim to. But I do know that this was the biggest step I think I have ever taken in terms of dealing with lust....

 

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Category: 12-Step Attitude

 

True Happiness

 

By "Elya" from the Phone Conference

 

True happiness comes when we become givers not takers, when we give of ourselves to help others INCLUDING OUR WIVES. Linking happiness to fulfilling every life pleasure is more like bondage to self. The pleasure doesn't last. Take a vacation, for example. You have a great time exhausting yourself on vacation looking at museums, beaches, grave sites, etc. then when you get home it is just another memory. True happiness is spiritual happiness, knowing you've helped someone overcome depression, sadness, addiction, anxiety, etc., knowing you've made a difference in the world and in someone's life. Yes, happiness is limiting yourself (your ego) to help others. PERIOD.

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

 

Recovery is for "YOU", not "HER"

 

Someone wrote to Dov:

When I want to leave to get on the call, go to my office, go daven, etc... she yells at me and says that the only reason why I'm going anywhere is so that I can go look at porn... so I stay home to show her that it isn't my intentions to look at porn and that I really love her.

 

Dov replies:

 

A few blunt things to say about this. And I will be extra blunt by uncharacteristically using the "you" word, rather than "I" or "we" here. Bear with me:

You do not stay at home because you love your wife. 
You do not protect her from her fears in order to show her how much you love her. 
You do not stay away from porn because you love her. 
You do not argue with her and try to prove to her that you are really sober this time or serious about recovery this time. All this is just the same manipulation you have always used to try and mold her mind to fit yours while you were acting out. Doing so is poison for you and bitter poison for her. She tastes it, and smells it - trust me. 

Rather, you do all these things for selfish reasons - because you are tired of hell, lying, BS, stupidity, and the pain of acting out, and because you do not wish to flush your own - and only - life down the toilet. You recover for you. Period. 

It cannot be about her. The more you try to show her how much you love her that way, the less she will see it. She needs to come to see it of her own volition. No one - least of all you - will be able to prove it for her.

Ultimately, I believe that you will need to stop fighting her in any way  and let her go - and inform her in a pleasant way that you love her and that no matter how she feels about it, you need to go out to a meeting now for your own recovery, for your sobriety comes first. You can let her call you on the way there and let her talk to any random guy at the meeting and ask them if you were at the meeting the whole time or not. She can even talk with you all the way home from the meeting, if she'd like that. But you need to go, for if you are not sober, nobody has you - not her, and not yourself. You can also say that though you know you have no right to be believed - you are staying away from porn because of yourself, and not her. And you will need to show her you are consistent with your recovery work and let her know if you ever, ever, look at porn or lie to her in any way.

When she sees that you are doing it because you really believe you need it... well, that's a turning point for many a wife. Though they want the husband to be completely devoted to them, they know inside that first they really need a man who is a mentch for himself. 

In other words, as long as your wife knows that you are staying away from porn because of your love and allegiance to her, she will never be secure. She will know deep inside that one day, were she to trip up and treat you wrong, off you'll go again with porn, another woman, whatever. The deepest romance cannot protect her from your disease. Only you can, in partnership with Hashem.

Besides, you can only feel good about devotion for a while - love is admiration of virtue in another (Rav Noach zt"l). And real love only comes from real virtue. It's like a husband who treats everyone like foul garbage - yet treats his wife like a queen. Sure, "it's nice to be the queen" (thanks Mel Brooks!) - but she knows it's not real. After a while, the only thing that matters is that her husband is a jerk - no matter how nicely he treats her.

And this all depends on you staying honest with your sponsor, group members yourself and your wife. But what do you have to lose by doing that? Trust me, life gets easier and easier the more open and honest I am. I think it'll get harder, but that is a lie my confused heart tells me.  

Do you get me?

Much love and respect to both of you precious folks, 

Dov

Monday ~ 3 Adar, 5771 ~ February 7, 2011 

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Announcement

 

GuardYourEyes was featured on National Public Radio (13 million listeners) 

 

See here for the article

(scroll down towards the bottom)

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Category: Attitude, Torah

 

He does it for us when we did all we can

 

By the making of the Menorah the Torah uses the word "Te'aseh" (it shall be made) instead of "Ta'aseh" (you should make). Chazal learn out from there that Moshe tried and was unable to make the Menorah on his own, until Hashem told him to throw the gold into a fire and "it shall be made" on its own. The question is asked, why did Hasem first describe to Moshe how to make it in such detail if Moshe would anyway be unable to figure it out? Why did he have to try so hard and give up before Hashem made it for him?

 

The Ba'al Hasulam writes a very important Yesod that applies to all areas of Avodas Hashem. He writes that the real truth is that we can do NOTHING in Avodas Hashem on our own. We can't even lift a finger for Hashem's sake. And at the end of the day, everything we achieve in Avodas Hashem is a gift from Hashem. But Hashem doesn't give gifts to those who don't need them. It's like trying to fill a full glass with water. The glass needs to be empty before you can fill it up. Hashem only gives the gift of progress to those who really feel the need for it. And a person cannot feel the need for it properly until he has done everything in his power to achieve it on his own - and failed. Only once a person has done everything they possibly can and they still don't succeed, then, and ONLY then, do they have a proper vessel - and a proper TEFFILAH to Hashem for His help. And as soon as that happens, Hashem does it FOR them.  

 

That is why Moshe had to try on his own again and again. Only after he gave up did he have the proper vessel and "need" for Hashem to do it FOR him.

 

Along these lines, "Efshar Letaken" wrote to someone after a fall:

 

Now that you had a fall, try to see what hole you left open that the sneak got in from and lock it up!

 

Every time I had a fall and looked back and was true to myself, it wasn't that hard to see what and where I went wrong.

 

It's up to us to do the maximum not to have access to things we have no control over, even if it means going a bit extreme - like a very short "white list" of websites we really need.

 

For me, I realized that if I have no access to dirt whatsoever, my struggle is a very easy one, because Hashem gives us a break when we do our part to the tee. But we sometimes think we have done our part, when in truth we still have way to go.

 

"Return again" wrote on our forum:

 

It took me 58 years to realize that I can't win this fight on my own. I guess that's a success.

 

Lo-rd, give me the strength and foresight I need to withstand my desires today. I want to walk the walk, not just talk the talk.

 

"Ur a Jew" replies to "Return Again" and welcomes him:

 

Your story reminds me of the person who discovered in his seventies that the tefillin he wore all his life had never been kosher. Upon learning this, he started to dance. The perplexed onlookers wondered aloud, "why are you dancing when you just discovered that you've never put on kosher tefillin?" To which the fellow replied: "Precisely. Can you imagine what would have happened had I only discovered this after I died? Now that I have the opportunity to be mekayim the mitzvah properly, should I not be bisimcha?" So yes, its taken 58 years, but dance and be besimcha because it's not too late to change. I wish you a hearty welcome, you've come to the right place. We need Hashem's help every day to sober. If you keep that in mind and take it one day at a time, you will go very far.  Hatzlacha.

 

Along the same lines, "Ben Durdaya" wrote:

 

The P'nei Menachem once related that after "The Big Fire" in Ger (I don't know when that was, but apparently it was a big fire) which burnt down the Sefas Emes's house and extensive library, the insurance company sent down assessors to determine the cause of the fire and to put a price tag on the damage.

 

Passing by them in the courtyard the Sefas Emes saw them conversing among themselves, and sent one of his aides over to see what they were discussing. The aide came back, and reported that in their professional opinion the fire was started by a carelessly discarded cigarette butt.

 

Said the Sefas Emes, "If one careless - seemingly insignificant - mishap, can wreak such destruction and devastation - How much more powerful and far reaching must the effects of a few small - but meaningful - steps taken in Avodas Hashem be!"

 

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Quote of the Day

 

Simple Facts of Life

 

By David/Rage

 

We forget simple facts of life... Sometimes, when I look at my kid's smile I wonder to myself how I could ever possibly act out... I wish that instead of getting overwhelmed by images of the pornography and desires to act out, every time I get stressed or lonely or irritable, I would become overwhelmed by images of my kids smiling and desires to have a cup of coffee with my wife...

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

 

We Need to Suffer   

 

As far as I have experienced, I do not get any better (at all) by staying sober, alone. Rather, I needed to suffer as a result of being sober. Then in coming through that with Hashem's help, I came to see what it really was: I was using the lust to escape from facing myself. And actually, though it feels otherwise to "crazy me" at the time, the suffering has nothing to do with the sobriety at all! I was suffering all along but never felt it till my drug was taken away... (Now if that's not wickedly deep, I don't know what is). 

This might only be true for me, but somehow - I doubt it.

I am an addict. I tend toward nuttiness and dis-proportionality, generally. I consider whatever sanity I have as rather accidental on my part, a gift on Hashem's part.

 

(I am saying 'I' too often. Uh-oh....)

Tuesday ~ 4 Adar, 5771 ~ February 8, 2011 

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Announcement

 

If you're looking to join a frum, men's only, live SA group in the Jerusalem area made up of GYE guys, contact us for more info.

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Category: 12-Step Attitude

 

Living the 12th Step

 

Here's an e-mail we received today from the webmaster of www.recoverythroughtorah.com  

who has recently signed up to our daily chizuk e-mails:

 

Hi to my Brothers and Sisters in Recovery,

 

My name is Yehuda Mintz, I am a brother in recovery.  My sobriety date, b'shasdey Hashem, is September 10, 2000 - Yom Yom, 1 day at a time.

 

I am a newcomer to GUARD YOUR EYES. My heartfelt yasher koach. 

 

I am writing to share some major 12 Step teachings that have been gifted to me.

 

1. I am a good person with a bad disease.  For too long, I was told and taught that my addiction was an inyin of my yetzer harah.  I now know that that is not so.  I have come to learn that addiction is a disease, not unlike any other disease.  I do not know why Hashem has inflicted this disease upon me.  Shlomo HaMelech was unable to figure out the ways of Hashem; "why should the good seem to suffer and the bad seem to prosper".  These are questions known only to Hashem.  I do know however, that the disease of addiction can be treated; if not cured, by being faithful to the teachings of the 12 Steps of Alcholholics Anonymous. 

 

Much as the diabetic can lead a productive life by being faithful to his/hers prescribed daily dose of insulin, so too, can an addict live a productive life by being faithful to the principles of the 12 Steps on a daily basis.

 

I don't believe Dovid HaMelech wrote the words "Zeh Hayom Asah Hashem Nagilah V'nismacha bo" for Rosh Chodesh or for the Yom Tovim; he wrote them as a way of life for each day-one day at a time.

 

2. I have come to understand that life is not "gor tsu gornisht", life is not "either or".  Life is "both and".  Life's cup is neither half full nor half empty, it is BOTH,  Half empty and half full.  This truth has enabled me to receive the ultimate gift of Hashem Menuchas- Hanefesh, what the program calls" serenity".

 

I have dedicated my life to living a 12th Step with the creation of my website, www.recoverythroughtorah.com.

 

May we all be zoycha to live our life in the "light".

 

Yehuda Mintz

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Category: Testimonials, Tips 

 

SSRI Medication 

 

An e-mail we got today:

 

Hey, I need to thank you... A while back you recommended SSRI medication (after all else had failed - even live SA groups) and I dismissed it. But having failed repeatedly without meds, I started taking them and they've done wonders... I haven't had any lust attacks and I survived very easily in situations that wrecked me in the past... I mean like being home alone with unfiltered net and no problemo.... I've been taking just 50 mg of Zoloft and it's amazing how powerful this stuff is, it feels like it completely changed my whole outlook on lust... I really feel like maybe it's gonna work... Thanks...

 

Note: Only a doctor can prescribe these kinds of medications. If you are afraid of telling him the reason you need it, you can ask the psychiatrist to write that you need it for OCD. See this page for more info. 

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Category: Kosher Isle

 

No More Excuse For YouTube

 

Feeling bored and aimless while sitting in front of a computer is a recipe for disaster for an addict. It is so easy to be pulled to YouTube for some so-called "kosher" entertainment, but one click leads to another... and we all know where this can lead.

 

In previous Chizuk e-mails we've brought announcements about www.Frumtube.com and www.Koshertube.com in the past. Today, we bring you:

 

www.Glatube.com

Thousands of kosher and entertaining video clips!

 

Although many of them are in Hebrew, there are also quite a few in English - besides for hundreds of music videos. From what I've seen, it seems to be one of the best Kosher sites of its type out there today.

 

So there's no more excuse. When you need a break of some entertainment, you can find a Kosher venue for it. (See more Kosher websites and video feeds on our Kosher Isle over here.)

 

In related news, someone sent us a tip today by e-mail:

 

I just wanted to let everyone know about a very useful website. It's called Viewpure.com  If a person finds that for some reason they need to view a video on YouTube, they can "Purify" it with the click of a button and it removes all of the images and comments around the side, enabling you to view the video without seeing any extraneous shmutz.  Just go to the website and drag the "Purify" button onto your web browser.  You don't need to download anything, it takes about 30 seconds and it makes a huge difference. 

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

 

Making That Call    

 

Nu. Sometimes we just get the crap beaten out of us with a walk through the  streets.... I guess that as long as I make a call to a 'more or less' sane recovery person to admit it so that I can let go of it and get back to real life and whatever it was that I was doing before I got distracted, it ain't gonna hurt me for keeps. Perfection will get me nowhere.  

 

Along similar lines, Dov writes to another person:

 

Have you phoned a person yet, at such a moment, in order to say, "A scantily clad woman walked by me and I have followed her down one aisle in the supermarket already. I cannot get her hair out of my mind and she is all I am thinking about. I forgot how many artichokes my wife asked me to buy... or was it pampers? Uh-oh."? if not, then read the following:

If you are not comfortable enough to call up a person when feeling the wacky urge, then what gives you the idea that your act of asking Hashem for help is actually real? This is what the 2nd step is about. Who is this G-d we are talking about and who isn't He?

If you do make such calls to real people already, then you know what giving it up means... so I'd ask you: are you giving it up when you make the call, or doing something else entirely? 

Wednesday ~ 5 Adar, 5771 ~ February 9, 2011 

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Category: Torah, Links

 

Hilchos Niddah Refresher Series

 

We received the following e-mail today:

 

The Shmuz has a Hilchos Niddah Refresher series that is available here.

 

The first Shiur, which I just completed, deals with the Hashkafa of intimacy, discussed with unusual frankness, and emphasizes the importance of Shemiras Einayim.  I highly recommend it for the GYE community.

 

The second Shiur, which I just started, seems to deal early on with the difference between pleasure and lust, which are often confused.

 

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Category: 12-Step Attitude

 

Addiction is a Disease 

 

Yehuda Mintz from www.recoverythroughtorah.com sent us another e-mail today:

 

It is important for addicts, especially in our frum community, to know that addiction is a disease, and this disease cannot be dealt with like a regular Yetzer Harah; it is a chemical imbalance of the brain. Although there is no known cure, addiction can effectively be treated with the Alcoholics Anonymous 12 Step Program of Recovery. Whether one's addiction is AA, GA, SA, NA, CA, OEA or DA... the principles of 12 Step Recovery apply to each, albeit in the manner appropriate for each addiction.

 

Here are some fascinating excerpts from an article that Yehuda sent us that can be found here:

 

Our modern concept of disease - the "Disease Model" - emerged from Germ Theory over a century ago, and evolved such that today it can be defined as a physical, cellular defect or lesion in a bodily organ or organ system that leads to the expression of signs and symptoms in the patient. This is a very rigorous standard for disease.

 

For most of the last century, it has not been possible to fit addiction to this standard. That has changed. The organ involved in addiction is the limbic brain (specifically the ventral tegmentum and nucleus accumbens/extended amygdala). The defect is a stress-induced/genetically predisposed dysfunction of the limbic dopamine system (specifically a hedonic dysfunction - a broken "pleasure sense"). And the symptoms of greatest importance are 1) loss of control, 2) craving, and 3) persistent drug use despite negative consequences. Addiction meets the standard definition of disease better than multiple sclerosis and schizophrenia, two diseases whose pathophysiologies are far less elucidated. This is why medicine can claim, with confidence, that addiction is a disease.

 

Some believe the stigma against addicts is good, and that shame motivates people to stop using drugs. The correct answer here is "sort-of." Stigma motivates drug and alcohol ABUSERS (as opposed to ADDICTS) to get sober. When faced with the negative consequences of their drug use, the abuser can bring these negative consequences to bear on their decision-making. But stigma, or shame, or the threat of prison or death, will not work to change the behavior of addicts because the limbic brain equates drugs with survival at a very deep and unconscious level of brain processing. In light of this and the failure of the "consequence appreciating" areas of the cortex, the utility of stigma and punishment in the motivation of addicts is dubious. When craving kicks in, the drug comes first. The addict literally believes that the best way to stay out of jail is to get high (secure survival) now, and deal with the consequences later. This is the most fascinating and frustrating feature of addiction: negative consequences have no effect on the pattern of drug use. If you really are dealing with an addict, punishment doesn't work.

 

(In regards to the 12-Step program) ...These deeply personally meaningful things - which will be individual to each person ("God as he/she understands Him") - have the power to break the hold of craving. They are spiritual. They restore the function of the prefrontal cortex, and with it the addict's power to choose meaningful things over drugs. The task of addiction treatment is to teach the addict stress coping tools to decrease their craving, while at the same time helping them find the one thing that is a little more meaningful (a little "higher in its power") than drugs or alcohol. Or food, or sex, or gambling. A.A. does this nicely, but none of this comes to the patient overnight.

 

So is addiction a disease? Yes. Do addicts need to take responsibility for managing their addiction? Certainly. But so do all patients. So do patients with multiple sclerosis and schizophrenia. And most people will take responsibility to the exact extent that they know how, or are supported. That is what good treatment is all about.

Kevin T. McCauley, M.D.
The Institute for Addiction Study
Park City, Utah

 

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Category: Testimonials, Torah  

 

Grown-Up Sense of Awareness  

 

"Ur-A-Jew" wrote: 

 

So I was learning Chovos Halevovos last night and Rabeinu Bachya talks about the chesbon a person has to make regarding the wonders of creation; the ones we take for granted because they are so common, but that are nonetheless no less amazing.  Says the C"H that just because they are common doesn't mean we don't have to appreciate them daily. Moreover, he points out that as we get older we have a responsibility --- because we are wiser --- to appreciate them more. Now we have a greater understanding as to how amazing they truly are. 

I believe the Chovos Halevovos makes a similar observation with respect to tefillah.  Most of us learn how to daven as kids. As a result, we are still davening as if we were kids. But we are not kids anymore we are adults. And we have to start re-evaluating what it is we were doing and daven as if we are adults. We know that we have the ability to speak to the creator of the world directly on a constant basis. It's mind-boggling when you think about it seriously.

So anyway, what does this have to do with GYE? I thought to myself, you know I'm not a GYE newbie anymore, today is about 8 months. I learned a lot since I came here. About my addiction, about sobriety, about living life. So first I got to appreciate it with an increased grown-up sense of awareness, I got to also take stock of what I've learned and ask myself if I am making the most of the tools that I've been given now, based on the increased knowledge I now have.

So THANK YOU Hashem, Guard, Dov and everyone else who makes this site so wonderful, who have helped give me a new lease on life, who have given me the opportunity to get out of isolation, who have given me the opportunity to help others with this struggle. I LOVE THIS PLACE.

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

My Will Needs to Be broken

 

"The challenge now is doing something about it," you say. Bear with me please, as I am not arguing with you at all, and some of what I will say seems to be paradoxical. Sorry about that, but here goes...

If I really could do something about it, I'd have done it years earlier! How about you? Is it just new info, or techniques that we need? I think not. Unless you call quitting the eternal escape from the simple truth about ourselves "info" (...technically it is, I guess). Admitting that as I am, I am really unable to win - that all the inspiration in the world will not 'do it' for me...is that "doing something about it?" Not in the way we are used to. It doesn't sound like "self-help" to me. But, as I understand it, it is precisely the 1st answer offered to addicts by the program.

Funny...the flip side of this is how many of us act out with our lust! I remember that my search for the porn, etc., was never a peaceful, calm endeavor. No, it was a relentless and eager search for 'the best image', the prettiest, warmest, most inviting fantasy I could get my hands on. "This one  - if I can only get it right! - will save me... maybe it'll fix me up for good and I'll finally be satisfied." The taa'va was not really for pleasure, it was for some sort of salvation. Can you relate? 

So, it's funny, no? The way we acted out with our lust, is the same way we tried (and failed) to stop! No wonder it can't work.

For me, 'surrender' means 'hachno'oh'. It requires a broken heart - meaning, my will needs to be broken. I need to come to see that what I have been depending on to 'make it' - both in acting out with lust and with quitting/controlling it, is my problem itself. I do not have the ability to succeed at using lust, and I do not have the power to succeed at quitting, either. 

OK, so a bunch of the guys out there on the rest of GYE who are honestly trying to beat this stuff with chizzuk, inspiration, and what they call t'shuva, will say this is craziness, or even apikorsus. They see such thoughts as 'giving up'. To be honest with you, such a perspective never even occurred to me in my wildest dreams (which are pretty wild, being a lust addict...but we won't go there ). I always knew in my heart - especially in the throes of giving in to my lust, R"l - that I was truly given over to this lust thing; that it was way more powerful than I. And that has not changed, of course. When did I suddenly get stronger ? A tall order even for my imagination! 

So then, what has changed?

All that has really changed is that (due to lots of humiliation) I finally admitted to myself that as I am (and will probably always be) I am subject to this insanity. I have an allergy that I cannot cure, and that it will carry me away again as it always has. And that my life cannot succeed the way things are. 

Maybe there is another way out, make oaths, RR, hypnosis, shots, acupuncture, whatever... but as I am I cannot make it. I need help. 

Thursday ~ 6 Adar, 5771 ~ February 10, 2011 

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Help Spread the Hope!

 

Dear GYE friends,

There are close to two thousand of us here at GuardYouEyes who have been fortunate enough to find our network. Unfortunately, there are tens of thousands more that are in pain and that never heard of us. We have the opportunity now to help our own recovery by sending a life-line to others. Please take a few moments of your time to send a GYE Flyer to anyone that you think may know people in need.

Here are some suggestions of people to send it to: 

• Community Rabbis
• Mental Health Professionals
•  Mechanchim
• Friends or Family that you suspect may need help

By sending one simple e-mail with a link to the flyer (or attached to your e-mail) you may get much needed help to many people.
 

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Announcement  

Professional Clinical Therapy with:  Zeva Citronenbaum LCSWR CSAT

 

Zeva's group begins a new cycle soon. 

Strictly confidential

Only $200 for 10 weeks.

Please fill out the applications on this page.

Looking forward to an exciting new group.  

For more info contact: Mrs. Zeva Citronenbaum Confidential Hotline: 845-222-0580
e-mail: acoachservice@yahoo.com

 

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Category: Attitude

 

Simcha is the Key

 

By "Ben Durdaya"

 

I woke up today feeling R.I.D (Restlessness, Irritability, and Discontent) big-time. I began to shout "MAY DAY!"... I held myself together long enough to turn on some Purim music. I picked up one of my children and danced with them. My 6 month old son was in his chair, and when he saw us dancing he understood the Simcha and started smiling. Then I pulled my family into the circle and we danced together - a living expression of "kol atzmosay tomarna - all my bones will declare, Hashem, who is like you!!", and I did it for a long time... Yes my friends, SIMCHA is the key!

 

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Category: Personal Victory

 

Freedom From Abuse

 

Chaim writes:

 

I would just like to share with you something incredible which just happened to me.

3 days ago it was my 40th day without masturbation and porn. I got a kind of fever, cough, sore mouth and throat and I was generally feeling not so good. At night just as I was saying the Shemà before sleeping, I started remembering a sexual abuse I had completely removed from my mind, that I received from a person extraneous to my family when I was young. My whole body became rigid and my endocrine system was clearly overreacting, but I was ok because the memory was surrounded by a kind of green protective vapor.

The following day I felt that the sexual fantasies which have tormented me for more that 20 years were sensibly diminished, and I realized they were just repetition of that memory!

Had I known before that healing from such a pain would have be so easy, I wouldn't have waited until age 33 for joining this website!

I can't describe my feeling of freedom from an awful interior condition! I hope I will go on healing!

To those who are struggling as me: Chazak Chazak venis-chazek!!! It's definitely worth fighting the battle!!!

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

Eventually, It All Catches Fire 

 

One of the beauties of the 12-Step program is this: Many people (especially men) tend to think in terms of solving problems. So while we are writing our 1st and 4th steps, or whenever we think or write about our problems or what is messed up in us, we want to see it all in the context of a way out, or solution. This is horrible for me. Take the 4th step, for example: We write out all the wackiness in us, quite a list... then tell it over to another person... then become ready to get rid of all the wackiness... then we ask Hashem to fix us up. 

What's going on here? 

As soon as I become aware of the ugliness in me, I should be disgusted by it, ashamed, and try to solve it - to get rid of it. Particularly if it is an aveiro! To hold on to it may mean that I really don't mind it, and that'd be bad, no?

But that is not the way this program works, it seems. There are separate steps, which must remain separate: First I admit my mishegaas - ad mokon sh'yadi maga'as. I must sit with the truth for a while. Running from it immediately - call it t'shuvah, I don't care - it is still running from it! I need to 'try the truth on like a shirt' for it to be part of me - walk around for a while getting used to the facts about me. After all, it has been the truth about me for years, decades, forever maybe... it's time I faced it instead of fooling myself, as I always have, that if only I run fast enough from my self-centered greed, fear, pride, and  it will not catch up with me. That is not what Chazal mean when they say k'boreyach min ha'Eish! Their point is not just 'running' - but running in the right direction. If my entire house is on fire I cannot just run into another room... I need to leave the house. When we learn more or daven harder, make more money, try to have better or more satisfying sex (yup! that was innocent, too), do more chessed, or more kiruv rechokim - instead of getting free of our lusting - we were just running into a different room! We were convincing ourselves that we are not so bad after all. Till the fire spread into that room, too. That was enabling, not healing. Eventually, our jobs, families, religion, they all caught fire, too. Eventually nothing is left - fire is nasty and doesn't care.  And that's how some folks finally come to recovery.

The 1st step is our way of saying "enough running and playing games. There is no way out, so I need a power greater than myself to do some kind of trick get me out of this impossible bind I got myself into. And I need Him to do it for free, cuz I ain't got nuthin' to pay. (Well, we do really have 'something'... and that is where the 2nd and third steps come in... but that's cheating, so shashhhhh!)

Choser chasirah mitachas l'Kisei K'vodo. Sounds kind of tricky, no? He can do those kind of things... He's the Owner and no one can ask Him, "mah ta'aseh - who gives You the right to do that!?" 

The most precious words I ever 'heard' at the meetings were a silent, "It's gonna be OK." The drunks tell us that it only depends on our honesty, openness, and acceptance. 

Friday ~ 7 Adar, 5771 ~ February 11, 2011
Erev Shabbos Parshas Titzaveh 

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Category: Links

 

A Three Minutes Meditative Wonder Cure 

 

Perfect for when we feel lost, weak - and dying to give up/in.

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Category: Torah > Parsha > Tetzaveh

 

How the Bigdei Kehudah were Mechaper on Arayos

 

By "Reb Yid"

 

The Medrash explains how each of the Begadim that were worn by the Kohen Gadol was a Kapara for a different Aveira. Two of them were the Michnasayim and the Tzitz. The Gemora says the Michnasayim were mechaper on the aveira of Arayos, and the Tzitz was mechaper on "Gasus Haruach" which means being haughty. The Kli Yakar says something interesting. He says that the tzitz was also a Kapara for Arayos. But the difference was that the michnasayim were a Kapara for Arayos in a hidden way, and the tzitz was for Arayos out in the open - brazenly - for this goes into the category of Gasus Haruach. This is also indicated by the fact that the Tzitz was worn out in the open, and the Michnasayim were worn hidden under the other garments.

How were these begadim a Kapara for different Aveiros?

I believe the answer is, when we show Hashem that we are truly interested in doing Teshuva, that is the greatest Kapara. One of the best ways to stop ourselves from doing an aveira that we have become accustomed to, is to set ourselves reminders in obvious places to prevent us from slipping up. By wearing these Begadim in these locations, the Kohel Gadol reminded us to control our YH in these areas, and that is a real step towards overcoming our Nisyonos.

The location of those two Begadim is very significant. There are 2 aspects to this addiction. The thought process - reading, seeing, thinking... - and the physical aspects... By wearing a Beged on the head, it is to remind us to control our thoughts, and the Beged on the Guf is to remind us to control our physical urges.
Everybody must set up their own reminders in their own places, in their own style, geared specifically towards their own YH. And we must know and remember that BY TAKING REAL STEPS TOWARDS FIXING THE PROBLEMS, WE ARE ALREADY EARNING A MEASURE OF KAPARA.

Just to end on a side note. When we wear our Tefillin - by our hearts and on our heads - it is also for the purpose of controlling our desires and our thoughts. It would not be a bad idea to use the time when we are wearing our Tefillin to ask Hashem for some extra help in our struggles.

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Category: Torah > Parsha > Tetzaveh

 

"Kasis" for "Ner Tamid" 

Breaking the Ego

 

By Yosef Hatzadik

 

Kasis lama'or l'hal'os ner tamid.

 

Question: Why is it necessary to work so hard? Why do we need to break apart our ego & other bad traits in order for our inner purity to shine forth? We seem to be able to have some clean streaks the way we are too?     

 

Answer: As long as we don't shed and shred the inferior attributes that we posses, we are bound to fail in our quest for long-term sobriety. The light will burn out. We may have respectable streaks, but it won't last indefinitely. The glow is sure to fade with time.

We need to to be kasis l'maor in order for us to be a ner tamid, an everlasting illumination!

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

 

No one can give me lust if I don't use them

 

To someone complaining about the billboards and images all around us in today's society, Dov responds:   

 

I was just in Manhattan, and definitely empathize, but the salvation for me is to come to truly believe and remind myself that no matter how juicy and outrageous the images of those women are, the problem - if I have one,is in me, not ever in them.

No matter how lusty she may look - she isn't lust itself.I am the one experiencing the lust. Nobody can give me lust if I do not use them. In a way, they are the victims, not I. And concerning myself with their intentions (whether they are bad for dressing that way and why they do it) is poison sh'ein kamohu for me, as it is nothing but a cheap and easy way to excuse lusting after them.

Agree... disagree... I don't care. Have a great day and hatzlocha I love all Yidden, especially the ones with lust problems!

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Help Spread the Hope!

 

Dear GYE friends,

There are close to two thousand of us here at GuardYouEyes who have been fortunate enough to find our network. Unfortunately, there are tens of thousands more that are in pain and that never heard of us. We have the opportunity now to help our own recovery by sending a life-line to others. Please take a few moments of your time to send a GYE Flyer to anyone that you think may know people in need.

Here are some suggestions of people to send it to: 

• Community Rabbis
• Mental Health Professionals
• Mechanchim
• Friends or family that you suspect may need help

By sending one simple e-mail with a link to the flyer (or attached to your e-mail) you may get much needed help to many people.

Sunday ~ 9 Adar I, 5771 ~ February 13, 2011 

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Category: Testimonials

 

"Where I am, Where I used to be, Where I CAN be"  

 

We got this e-mail on Motzai Shabbos from an anonymous member:

 

Dear GYE,

It's funny how Hashem works.

 

Years ago when I first became Bar Mitzva, I would wear a Gartel.   

As time went on I decided, "What do I need this for? So what if it's our Minhag, it means absolutely nothing to me!" ...as did a lot of other things.

Now, by the grace of Hashem, I'm in SA and have almost 4 month of sobriety, one day at a time. I'm seeing miracles daily, and feel, for the first time in my life, Hashem's presence.

In the last few weeks, I was contemplating wearing my Gartel again, not to show off or because it's my Minhag, as in the past, but as a personal thing for Hashem.

Now, after reading Friday's Chizuk email, about the Bigdei Kehunah and them being a kaporah for Arayus, I had this moment of: "Of course, my goodness, here I am thinking about whether I should start wearing a Gartel again, and it's right in front of me! I'll start wearing it again to remind me of the Kedusha of my Neshoma and as a personal reminder of where I am, where I used to be, and where I can be".

Thanks, this place is awesome.

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Category: Torah Thoughts

 

Becoming a Different Person

 

By "Dovekbahshem"

 

I just want to share a thought about wearing tefillin. It is known that tefillin is, in a sense, a commitment that we make to HaKadosh Baruch Hu both with our intellect (shel rosh) and our actions (shel yad). 

R' Yosef Ber Soloveitchik famously asks why we say "baruch shem kvod" after making the bracha on the shel rosh. It cannot possibly be simply because we are choshesh for bracha l-vatala (as the Mishna Berurah explains). This is because we have a din of safek brachos l'hakel and if we really thought there was a possibility that we shouldn't make the bracha of "al mitzvas tefillin" then we simply wouldn't make it! R Yosef Ber answers in a really deep way. 

He says that wearing tefillin, the shel yad and shel rosh together, transforms each one of us into a different human being - someone who is wearing the crown of torah on his head with the words of HaKadosh Baruch Hu by his heart. It is our knee-jerk reaction, immediately upon this complete transformation, to proudly proclaim "Baruch Shem K-vod Malchuso L-olam Va-ed." 

The vort is, that our goal here on GYE is not just to restrain ourselves from dirty thoughts or to hold ourselves back from improper action - it's to be an entirely different person. It's to be a cheftza shel kedusha that really has divrei Hashem on our hearts and in our minds. Every morning when we put on tefillin we should realize that that moment proves that each of us has the potential to undergo that transformation and to truly become walking sifrei torah. We should all be zoche, upon reaching 90 days (or whenever that transformation comes) to proudly sing the words "Baruch Shem Kevod Malchuso L-Olam Va-ed." 

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

 

Giving up: Why the First Step is so Important

 

The point of writing our 1st step is to finally be able to answer this: 

"So, do I actually have the ability to remain sober? Have I run out of resources yet, or not?"

That's the only question when it boils down. If in my heart of hearts I still believe that I really possess the ability to control lust, then it means a whole cadre of troubling things that have always kept us in danger:

1) I will remain ashamed if I use lust because - "I should have been able to control it, so I am a bad guy." Shame - which we have always had and was ultimately ineffective at stopping us - is not really our friend. Instead, it temps us to hide or 'color' facts and details about our temptations rather than come out and admit our mishegas'n early and get the help we desperately need. If we continue to hide, we are toast.

2) If I can still control it, then I can also use it a little bit - and then stop at will. How many times did we really think that and take risks - only to eventually lose badly... a hundred times? And it never ends, really. Once I am surrendered to the simple truth that I am completely hopeless fighting against lust, it means that I admit in my own heart that I cannot be trusted with it and can't afford to taste it. Finally I will stop taking stupid risks.

3) Basically, every time I have ever used lust, it was because I believed that I will still control it in the end; that I will not be completely overtaken by it. I was wrong, and did many things that I just didn't understand, hence the refrain, "I just gotta finally understand why I do these crazy things?!" 

So, more than anything else, our refusal to accept our inability to use and control lust is that reason we end up using it.

So once this becomes clear to me, I need to surrender - give up - any temptations I get to others by telling people about it in detail so I can get let go of it - and if I should ever actually act out again, I need to go back to my 1st step. Why? Because that must be where my weak link is. I must have pridefully thought I could get away with it. I forgot that whenever I try to use it, lust controls me, not the other way around. It always makes me so miserable.

So the writing of the 1st step is really just a jump-start for a lifetime attitude and practice.

Monday ~ 10 Adar I, 5771 ~ February 14, 2011 

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Announcement

 

Re-Announcing

Elya's Monday night group

(Tonight!)
 

An introduction to "Sex and Love Addiction" (SLAA)

What is the problem?

What is the solution?

How to begin recovery toward living a life of honesty, integrity, mindfulness and serenity through sobriety. 

Readings, discussions, chizuk, knowledge and hope. 
  Join us.

Remember: Awareness is the first step toward a new life.

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Category: Testimonials

 

Like Getting Married Once Again   

 

We got this heart-warming e-mail today (I added the hyperlinks):

 

Dear R' Guard,
 

We owe GYE a tremendous thank you. My wife and I feel like we've just been married again. Thanks to your website we've been able to tackle issues that have been haunting us ever since we were married and had effected all aspects of our marriage, and our lives.

 

Case in point: I had become involved in your site around Pesach last year, out of personal desperation. I signed up on the 90 day chart and B"H I reached 90 without much difficulty and it was the greatest feeling I could remember feeling in a long time. Unfortunately it didn't last - fear of failure brought me down. I then struggled to rebuild the 90 days, but I couldn't reach more than 40 days or so and I'd fail again and again. I then began the climb to 90 once again, but this time with more active involvement in the forum, followed by more active, involvement in the 12 step phone conference.

 

During this time I had an important talk with my wife about GYE, speaking about the importance of it, what a great resource it is, and how it helps me avoid the falls that can result from triggers. I did kind of play down my need for the site, out of understandable embarrassment and the pain it would cause my wife. The subject continued to come up and my wife was suggesting GYE to people that she knew who struggled with these issues or knew those who did.

 

Recently, for the first time, she started reading some things on GYE. She read Yechida's letter to a GYE wife and cried the whole way through. She finally had some level of understanding of this struggle and we were able to talk about it more openly. The whole time she was wondering to herself how much I needed this site, to what extent I had become addicted, whether it was perhaps more than just triggers. Well - I bit the bullet and I decided to share something special with her. As Hashgacha would have it, that day was the exact day I reached 90. I clicked on the Wall of Honor link and said "that name is mine" and I showed her the WOH/90day Chart rules, and that's when we both had the feeling of being newly married once again.

 

A tremendous thank you to you, all the members of GYE and of the phone conferences, and thank you to HKB"H who I have B"H come to know in way I hadn't known in years.

 

All the Best,
Me and my wife

 

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Category: Member's Chizuk 

 

Surrendering the Right to Act-Out    

 

"ShteigningGuy" writes:

I'm so grateful to Hashem, SA, GYE, and all the support. I realized today that I need to surrender more. I read in the White Book that part of surrender is surrendering the right to act out. Another big Yesod of SA is that the recovery and surrender has to be against lust. I realized that even though I have gone a far way in getting a sponsor and joining SA, that was only a partial surrender. I'm not masturbating and falling, by SA definition. But I'm still holding on to lust. I'm not admitting that I have no right to lust. I need to surrender that.

If all of the Roshei Yeshiva are screaming about the dangers of unfiltered computers (and even filtered ones, unless needed for parnassa), and I'm an addict that's gotten into trouble with one, so what am I doing playing around on it? And why am I dangling certain images in my mind and not right away davening to Hashem to take them away? It's because I'm not really surrendering them.  

The fact is, that Hashem is waiting there to get me through this. His team is the winning team. But in order to participate, I have to surrender any lust rights I feel entitled to. And surrendering means not blaming the outside environment. After all, Hashem created it all. There's no way He created me to fail. Obviously the best way for me to grow is in these circumstances. I've got to really accept that without any 'buts'. 

Today I made the sure that the back room with the computer that I was fooling around with was locked, and got rid of the key. I've got to show I mean it. And the only time I really should be going on the computer at all is to check my gmail (which I need for work) and maybe GYE. If I'm really serious about it, then that's what I've got to do. Hashem's waiting there. It's my job to really believe that this is what I have to do and surrender. Once I do that and turn to Him, the real healing and miracles can start.

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

 

We become more needy as we heal! 

 

I have noticed a funny thing about the people I work with professionally (in health care): As they begin to improve, they start to complain about how bad off they are. It is just so frustrating as a person helping them, to hear them get more negative at the very time that they are finally starting to progress. Well, it occurred to me that as long as they felt so very limited, being very bad-off, they had no aspirations for normalcy. But once they started to see some improvement, they started to have expectations! But as they were still almost as limited, they were mainly left with frustration... Slowly as they actually improved, the hope grew that they would be better one day, but the  emotional roller coaster is frustrating and pretty convincing, regardless of reality.

In recovery, I have seen this problem manifested in a very bad way: A guy comes as a shmateh. Soon, after surrendering to the truth about himself and actually doing a bit of recovery work, he becomes suddenly aware of what he forgot for so long: Normalcy. Though he is still very sick, he expects normalcy once he recognizes it. It's horrible to see: Just as he reaches the cusp of some real progress, has his first sniff of real honesty and freedom... he quickly comes to expect it! Like he made it happen in the first place! Forgotten is the pain and weakness that were the vehicles to get him here - he feels inherently 'strong' now! In common or pop-psych terms, we'd say, "Great! You are getting better!, Mazel Tov!" Self-confidence is a great thing to be sure, and normal people know how damaging and depressing it can be to be so focused on your defects. No argument there... unless one is truly sick. Let the sick man act as if he is normal and see what happens. But have him keep his illness in mind - and see how nice life gets - provided he takes care of himself accordingly instead of giving up.

Anyway, so the new-found expert soon falls hard on his behind (or more slowly but very badly) and often reacts by throwing away the entire derech - "I tried it and 'made it', but it failed me anyway!" The problem here is not lust - it is his pride. We are shmatehs, and will remain so, in some respect. Especially an addict. Just ask Reb TzviMeyer Zilverberg - he'll tell you that the greatest aspiration a yid can have is to be a ben melech, b'ni b'chori - and yet still be a shmateh! For most people this is a madreigah perhaps.... but for addictsI believe it is survival itself. We pray for humility not because we want it so badly, but because we need it.

We know we are on an endless road. Our freedom increases and it gets easier and easier to stay sober and to live the Good-Life - but at a price: we addicts can never become free of G-d. Our dependence on Hashem increases over time, not the other way around. To the average frummy this sounds well and good - but I cannot tell you how many of these same guys I have met who slip away from dependence on Hashem as soon as they start to get better. Funny, I have seen the very same reaction in religious goyim, too. 

So, we actually become more needy, not more independent as we get better. An inconvenient, weird, truth. The bright side (especially as Jews) is that as the dependency grows so does the relationship. Ask any couple happily married for over 20 years and they'll tell you: Their dependency on the spouse increases while their independence as individuals grows, and the love becomes ever deeper and more comfortable. Same with Hashem, l'havdil. (A long time ago I posted a shtikk'l about how Hashem gave us all the relationships in our natural lives specifically in order to help us grow closer to him.) Addicts feel this more keenly than most folks do, I guess.

Tuesday ~ 11 Adar I, 5771 ~ February 15, 2011 

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Category: Links

 

Teshuva Boot Camp

 

"Kedusha" sent me the following e-mail today:

 

There's a great set of three Shiurim called "Teshuva Boot Camp" from Rabbi Ben Tzion Shafier of The Shmuz. It can be downloaded here for $9.95. The Shmuz has hundreds of other Shiurim that are available for free download, but this series is well worth the price.

 

In the second shiur of the series, he has a nice discussion about what a person can accomplish when he hits rock bottom, citing the example of Rebbi Elazar ben Durdaya. Of course, at GYE, we know that it's far better to hit bottom while still on top.

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Category: Testimonials > Forum

 

Never Felt Such a Connection

 

By "RisingUp"

 

I feel that the effort that I put into posting my comments and thoughts on the forum are vital to my recovery.  Although I had a very difficult time over the past 5 or so years, I never felt a type of connection to anything in the way that I do to GYE.  It is something for me to look forward to, a place that I can joke around, where previous conceptions and acute assumptions of personalities do not apply.  It is important to me that this remains a part of the recovery process.  So much so, that I have factored in the time that I spend reading the posts into my daily schedule.  Thanks to all those on this website I am able to share my thoughts without the fear of being ridiculed or shunned.  The mind of an addict is filled with many different misconceptions, greatest perhaps of all is the perceived notion that one is unable to create a true bond with a reciprocal being. Seeing the way that each one of us contributes to the well being of each other is truly an asset to the recovering addict.  

For this I am truly thankful.
 

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

 

More Invested in G-d

Two Great Parables from Dov for Step 3

 

Step 3: "We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God of our understanding" (or as one sponsor used to say: "or the G-d NOT of our understanding!")   

 

The Crazy Jets Fan

 

A guy who was a crazy Jets fan missed an important game but his friend taped it for him. By the time he got the tape, he had already heard on the news that his Jets won that game. 

That night he set up beer, chips, salsa, closed door, all for watching the game. Halfway through the game his son, a Dolphins fan, came into the room and said, "Dad, are you OK? Every time you watch a game you go crazy yelling at the players, cursing like a sailor, and spilling your beer during touchdowns. Why are you so quiet tonight?" 

He answered, "Well, you're right, son. But I already know that my boys will win this game at the end in overtime, so I don't get all emotionally wrapped up in how the plays are going. I mean, it's interesting and fun to watch, but I just can't get carried away like I normally do."

When we start to know that G-d will make everything right in the end, and that everything that will ever happen is for our benefit cuz it's His Will, the personal investment we have in things happening the way we plan is much less. And we start to trust Him a bit, then slowly more and more. Especially when we see that he really does keep us sober. 

 

The Jerk on the Freeway 

 

When I am driving and get passed aggressively by some jerk, my natural inclination is to catch up to him, overtake him, and cut him off, slowing him down. Or, to at least pass him by. This has led me to a few cat-and-mouse games on the highway in the past... dangerous and obviously stupid, particularly for a grownup (ha!). 

So nowadays, I do not do the battle for the highway game any more, but I at least am tempted to catch up to the sucker and show him that his reckless speed can be matched by me!

So what happens when I get to my exit and he is still in the left lane zooming along in competition with me?... The thought that I will have to slow down and bear right to get off and go to my destination, and the sneer he will send my way ("I beat you, fool! Ha!") is just - plain - torture.  But what do I do? Miss my exit?! 

I have been really tempted to, let me tell you. Am I the only sicko here?

Well. This is what the 3rd step is about. I am on a journey. I have a destination. G-d is leading me somewhere all the time. But my jealousies, fears, pride, lusts, etc. - they all get me invested in what's 'just gotta' happen. They blind me to caring about G-d's Will for me. I stay miserable, throw my good sense to the wind and just "chase the bastard". 

Sometimes it's subtle (like when we get wrapped up in feeling sorry for ourselves, getting carried away in self-absorbed thinking and we isolate instead of getting involved in taking life by the horns and being a father, son, yid, whatever) - and sometimes it is shocking (like screaming at our kid because he/she violated our will!).

So the 3rd step for me is connected to my ability to slow down in the middle of my insane chase with the aggressive driver who passed me a minute ago, and just get off at my exit - really at G-d's exit for me - and live life on Hashem's terms rather than mine, at least for that minute.

Those moments of painful surrender to Hashem's Will for us grow and grow, and the job is probably never done. But living right gets easier and easier, not harder and harder. We get more invested in G-d, and less invested in our own desires.

Wednesday ~ 12 Adar I, 5771 ~ February 16, 2011 

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Happy Announcement

 

Torah Umesorah introduces GYE to hundreds of schools! 

 

Torah Umesorah sent out a letter this week providing information on three GYE resources. This e-mail was sent out to their entire e-mail list, which includes the Menahalim of close to a thousand schools throughout the U.S.
 

Click here to see the letter.

 

In the letter, Torah Umesorah suggests that all the schools send out our "Prevention Tips for Parents" to their entire parent bodies. That means that not only is our material now in the hands of the schools, it may soon be in the hands of the parents of tens  - if not hundreds - of thousands of Talmidim! 

 

We Need Volunteers Please!

 

We desperately need volunteers to help us man the GYE hotline. All that is neccecary to man our hotline is having some experience on GYE. With the help of our "GYE Program in a Nutshell", anyone can be an expert on helping give general guidance to people who call in. (Of course for more difficult questions, I will be reachable as well). Whoever feels they can volunteer to man the hotline for an hour or two each day, or even for some days of the week (while you work on other things, ...I don't expect the phone to ring off the hook), please write to eyes.guard@gmail.com. 

 

Tizke Lemiztvos!

 

Please donate to help us manage and coordinate all our efforts to help Klal Yisrael! Please use the Paypal options on the right bar of our website: www.guardyoureyes.org. If you want to donate by credit card or phone, write to us and we'll tell you how. Thank you and Tizke Lemitzvos! 

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Category: Q & A 

 

Is Accepting Addiction as a Disease a "Cop-Out"?

 

"Gesher Tzar me'od" asks:

 

How is acceptance of lust addiction as a disease not a "cop out" for a responsible person not to take responsibility for his actions? I realize that there is a difference between a one time aveira and a constant behavior pattern, but that still doesn't do it for me. Can someone help me here, because this a major hashkafic issue preventing me from proceeding.

 

"David/Rage" Responds:

 

The fact that I have an addiction is no more than a fact... like its day outside now... or that Winter follows Autumn... I looked at how I was behaving, where my rational thought was throughout the process, what risks I was taking to feed the addiction, what methods I have tried and failed in beating it, etc... I looked at the totality of the situation and realized that I am exhibiting all the signs of a heroin addict.... It's as plain to me as the nose on my face, and it's something I can't deny if I want to be honest with myself....

 

But for me, identifying what I have as an addiction was really step one into taking responsibility and getting better... I think it actually takes a lot of very hard work to overcome an addiction, much more work than just trying to stop a nasty habit... So for me, identifying it as an addiction woke me up to the hard work I need to put in to get it right... This included doing stuff I never in my life would have even considered doing before I identified what I have as an addiction... So I don't think its a cop out at all.... aderabba. Identifying your addiction is step one to treating it... And that's what the 12-Step prayer means when they ask Hashem to "give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, and the courage to change the things I can"....    

 

  "ZemirosShabbos" responds:

 

A lot of my struggle in the past was trying to push the wrong buttons, buttons that cannot be pushed at all, buttons that were glued shut with a pound of Crazy Glue. 

    

Trying to 'be good' by sheer willpower for an addict just doesn't work. Once the lust hits and your body is affected by it, it is an almost forgone conclusion that there will be trouble. The buttons that needed to be pushed were available before that slide started, and the struggle is to gain the awareness and take action before you start sliding.

Identifying it as an addiction does not take away your responsibility for any actions. Rather it gives you the knowledge of which buttons to push; buttons that work.

 

Remember also that understanding and gaining clarity are luxuries we can't always afford. Someone who is drowning does not really care about how the aerodynamics of a helicopter work, he just wants one to get him out of the water.

If a technique works and it can pull you out of the garbage, then grab it now. Understand it later.

 

"Sick Man Getting Well" writes:

 

When I accepted Lust as an addiction, it was the first time I was ready to take responsibility for my actions. Until that point I always choose to explain why I was acting out. It was the fault of family, work, yeshiva, parents, friends, the president, etc. At the point that I came into SA and accepted that I have an addiction and that there are very simple steps to take to stop acting out with Hashems help, I was finally becoming a responsible person.

I too agree with you that people take the word "addiction" and apply it to pattern of behavior. However, if someone is actually getting help for those behaviors (gambling, overeating, watching movies, debting, etc) what do I care what they call it? As long as they have gone for help and can find freedom from the bondage of those behaviors!

I can't speak for SA, but for me, recovery was taking responsibility for my life. Today I feel so much better because of it.

 

"Me3" replies:

 

I have had some bad habits and difficult situations in my life that I managed to conquer and get through with sheer will power.

Then I met lust. I tried everything, I challenged myself, I berated myself, I made one ultimatum after another; one resolution after the next. Me, the one with the iron will, steely resolve, but nothing worked.

What have I found to work? Something completely counter intuitive. Rather then will power, it's been just the opposite; saying, "Hashem, I can't do this! I'm sorry, but I've messed myself up so badly that I can't get past this by myself. I need You to carry me, to do it for me. I am powerless in the face of this yetzar hara. Please help me."

So call it addiction, call it what you will. All I know is that looking at it that way gives me a fighting chance.

 

"Gesher Tzar me'od" (who asked the original question) responds:

 

Everyone's replies have been very helpful for me. And I hope maybe there are others out there who haven't verbalized it but are grappling with the same issues. If it helps anyone else, I will feel that it was worth all our effort and time.

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

 

The Recovery Derech Has to be Wrong for Normals

 

Dov's piece below follows the discussion above:

 

There is more latitude than most people realize in the words of Chaza"l as they apply to a particular person in a particular situation. What is rightfully labeled as "neged Derech haTorah" in one situation (like some of the behavior that the original Mussar derech [and original chassidim] espoused - which made Reb Yisroel [and the maggid and friends] so controversial) may be exactly what Hashem wants from a yid at times. And particularly when the yid we are referring to is already stepping - actually, living - outside of the bounds of "Derech haTorah". Especially if the yid we are speaking about is not just doing an aveiro here and there, but actually has twisted thinking and has a heart, mind and body that is not successful at being a decent kosher guy like most other people in the community.

This yid may need to use unusual tools that express Hashem's Will just perfectly. Kind of like how Hashem's Will is expressed through a child becoming ill or worse, sometimes. Strange, no? Not very nice, no? We say Hashem keeps the Torah - but is it mutar to kill 'innocent' people? Well... it's not that simple, though the community at large desires a great deal to keep it looking that way. And I believe that desire is where resistance to addiction recovery is coming from and always will. At it's most raw and basic level of practice, the recovery derech has to be wrong for normal people, for it is not made for normal people.

Only one who really sees 'the end' in view will have the motivation to naturally reach for G-d. A goy just as much and as deeply as a yid. The reaching will be done differently, but the motivation is the very same in recovery that I am familiar with.

I am not too concerned with what lav suicide is - I have my own reasons for avoiding it. And I dare say that you are the same. When death stares us in the face and we are slipping off a real cliff, we will grab for Muktza on Shabbos, too. You will, too. And it will not be because it is halachically permitted - all the cheshboinos are off when your life/my life is actually, directly threatened. That is the root of the halachik reality. 

So if what you are talking about there is truly 'serving another G-d than Hashem', I agree with you in theory. In practice, I do not believe anyone who says we need to resort to yoshke or to any other false beliefs in order to get better from addiction. I believe in Hashem's Torah, in Chaza"l, and in what I see before my eyes: that even though it is false, my body truly, deeply, and innocently believes that lust, porn, and masturbation are in my very best interest. That's 'addiction' and that is what many of us have to work with here, rather than deny it because it is supposedly against the Torah.

Friday ~ 14 Adar I, 5771 ~ February 18, 2011
Purim Katan ~ Erev Shabbos Parshas Ki Sisa 

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Link of the Day
 

Lechavod Purim-Katan, here's a funny look at the
 

12-Steps to Insanity

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Category: Torah > Parsha > Ki Sisa  

 

Hashem Lets Go if We're Not Paying Attention to Him

 

By "Yashuv V'Yashuv"

 

I saw the following Ki Sisa thought in Nesivos Shalom:

How could Klal Yisroel, after all the Nissim of Yetzias Mitzraim and the revelation at Har Sinai, take such a fall as to worship an Eigel HaZahav? With all the justifications given by the Mefarshim, it's clear that it was still a seriously grave Aveirah.

If G-d would not help us defeat the Yetzer Hara we would never be able to do so on our own (Sukkah 52b). Only with Hashem's Shemira, His loving protection, can we even have a chance against the Yetzer Hara. What is this Shemira? Every day, a Bas Kol goes out from Har Sinai that says "Shuvu Banim" - come back to your Father (Chagiga 15a). That Bas Kol can be heard in our subconscious - the thoughts to return to Hashem, to do Teshuva, are that daily gift, they're the Shemira He gives us. 

Hashem does not always provide that Shemira. He will lift His Shemira in two instances:

 

(1) If we're on a high level, able to defeat the Yetzer Hara without the help of Hashem's Shemira, He will remove that Shemira to create a real challenge for us. Kol HaGadol Mechaveiro Yitzro Gadul Haimenu (Sukkah 52a) - the greater level of spirituality you're on, the stronger the urge to go off course - because you've lost His Shemira (My understanding of this is that the Shemira is lifted in degrees - the greater you are the more Shemira is lifted).

 

(2) If we transgressed Aveiros that are insignificant and therefore we have no drive to do Teshuva, sometimes Hashem will lift His Shemira so we will transgress a greater Aveirah that would bother us enough to want to do Teshuva. Hashem wants a relationship with us and He'll let us fall in order to get our attention. (Wow!)

So when I conquer my Yetzer Hara, it's only because Hashem's Shemira helped me. And when I fall, it's because Hashem's Shemira was lifted and I was toast. Do I really think I'm in control? Did we think we were in control at Har Sinai, that we had the Yetzer Hara licked? Hashem is hugging me tight with His Shemira. He'll only let go if I'm not paying attention to Him. I just need to keep looking up to see Who's hugging me.

 

"Me3" responds:

 

Sometimes I think the Nesivas Shalom wrote his sefer just for us GYE'rs.

 

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The Parsha of "Falling & Getting Back Up"

 

By "Reb Yid"

 

First I'd like to thank Hashem for helping me until this point. I am finding that posting these Divrei Torah and knowing that people are reading them, is helping me tremendously. If you do read them, I would appreciate comments and feedback - positive or negative (on my thread here). Thanks!!

This week's Parsha is a very important one for us at GYE. It is the Parsha of "Falling and getting back up again". Anybody here ever experience that?!  

 
The Bnei Yisroel just left Mitzrayim. They saw Krias Yam Suf. They defeated Amalek. How could they possibly fall so far and so low as to worship the Egel? There are many explanations as to what exactly they were trying to do. But either way, it was a grievous sin. The purpose of this Dvar Torah is not to analyze how they fell. It is rather to analyze what happened after they fell.

Moshe goes up to shamayim to beg for mechila. Rabbi Reisman points out in this wonderful tape  (if you haven't heard it yet, please do so ASAP. It's a life changer!!) that Moshe actually told Hashem that the Yidden were not at fault since they were an Oness. "You took them from slavery, gave them more gold and riches than they have ever seen in their lives, and then take away their leader? Of course they will sin!!" Now we can't say things like that. We are not on that level. But we do see that there is a concept of falling to a nisayon that we could not have passed!! Hashem said "Salachti Kidvarecha", which means that on some level He agreed to Moshe's claim.

 

If this is true in some cases, then why does Hashem test us in the first place?

One answer is, to see how we will react to the failure. Another possibility is, to teach us and prepare us for what lies ahead. They are both true.

In the case of our addiction, we don't really always have the Bechira to cut the cord with lust forever. That is beyond us now. Therefore, it stands to reason, that a fall that comes now, can sometimes be an Oness. So does that mean we are free to do as we wish? Of course not!!! Our Nisayon is to see if we commit ourselves to work through our struggles towards an eventual goal of complete sobriety. Yes - if we are doing all we can to achieve our ultimate goal, then the pitfalls on the way can be overlooked. But it is our responsibility to pick up the broken pieces of those pitfalls and live to fight another day.

And in conclusion, we find that when the Yidden did that, they were immediately given the instructions to build the mishkan so that "Veshachanti Besocham". When we commit to do it right and plow on towards our goal, Hashem doesn't just forgive us. He grabs us to Him and loves us like he did before.

May we be Zoche to earn and feel His love ALWAYS!!!

 

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Can It Be Worse?

 

By "ZemirosShabbos"

 

"U'BeYom Pakdi, U'fakad'ti"

Rashi explains that any time Hashem brings a punishment on Klal Yisrael it includes partial punishment for the Chait Ha'aigel.     

 

Rebbe Chanoch Henoch of Alexander zy'a (Siach Sarfei Kodesh) explained it this way:

 

Every time Hashem punishes klal yisrael He is telling them, look at the Chet Ha'aigel, how terrible and disloyal it was, and even so, the Yidden did Teshuva and their Teshuva was accepted. Is what you did now any worse, that Teshuva cannot be done?

 

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"Teshuvah in the Mind" VS. "Teshuva in Action"

 

With all this talk of Teshuvah, here's a nice piece from "Kedusha":

 

The Rambam (Hilchos Teshuva 2, 1) says that, if a person faces the same Nisayon, and overcomes it ONCE, that is Teshuva Gemura.  The Rambam also says (Hilchos Teshuva 2, 3) that Teshuva (here he doesn't use the stronger term "Teshuva Gemura") is where Hashem testifies that the person will never return to the sin again.  How can this be?  It seems that the Rambam is requiring a much higher standard for regular Teshuva than for Teshuva Gemura, which makes no sense!

The answer, as explained in a recent Navi Shiur by Rav Yisroel Reisman, is that there's a huge difference between the Olam Hamachshava and the Olam Hama'aseh.  If a person only does Teshuva in his mind, but does not actually overcome a Nisayon, then Hashem has to testify that he will never do the aveira again and, even so, it's only a standard Teshuva.  But, if someone actually overcomes a Nisayon, that is considered a Teshuva Gemura - so much so, that if he does the aveira again, it's as if he did it for the first time in his life!  (Of course, the person can't plan to do the aveira again, but as long as he accepts upon himself to try to avoid it - and he overcomes the same Nisayon a single time - that is Teshuva Gemura).  Imagine, then, how great a person's Teshuva can be if he is Omed b'Nisayon day after day (one day at a time, of course)!  

Rav Reisman noted that the second Rambam (Hashem has to testify that he will never do the aveira again) is quoted far more often than the first Rambam and people, therefore, assume that Teshuva is very difficult.  That may be true in the Olam Hamachshava.  However, in the Olam Hama'aseh, we are given constant opportunities to do a Teshuva Gemura.  What a tremendous Chizuk!

 

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Overcoming Even a Small Fire

 

  By "ZemirosShabbos"

 

  "This they shall give... a half a Shekel"

 

Rebbe Moshe Kobriner zy'a in Toras Avos writes:

 

Rashi explains that Moshe Rabeinu had difficulty understanding what was meant until Hashem showed him a vision of a fiery coin.

What was so hard for Moshe to understand that Hashem needed to show him a fiery vision?

Moshe's question was how was it possible for a small coin to be a kofer nefesh: an atonement for a person's soul? A person would give everything he has to preserve his life!

Hashem showed him the fiery coin which symbolizes the fiery force of the Yetzer Hara, who works to keep us from giving even a small thing away. That is why even a small coin can be a kofer nefesh.

 

  Addition by "Yosef Hatzadik":

 

With every 'urge', we are struggling against the mighty force of the fiery Yetzer Hara.   

 

Even a small step away from lust can be a Kofer Nefesh!

 

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Where it All Starts

 

By "Yosef Hatzadik": 

 

The parsha of Chet Ha'Egel begins with the words "Vayar Ha'am - and the nation saw".

All aveiros begin with 'looking'. Ayin roeh, Halev chomeid....

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

 

Hashem Loves Us Even In Our Craziness

 

I got a good deal of passion to serve Hashem once I was convinced that He isn't disgusted with me at all. Think about it... If a rebbi, teacher, parent, sister, wife, store clerk, whoever... have this look of near-puking whenever you see them looking at you, would you be able to summon up the resolve to give them your all? Or to deal with them with 'passion'? I doubt it.

If deep inside I really believe that He "knows" that I am a dang loser, the passion ain't happening. (Same goes for my wife in the relationship... k'mayim ponim el panim., etc...) Once I came to believe that Hashem truly loved me with a passion, even in the midst of my insanity, I was able to begin to serve Hashem with love and passion as well.

Monday ~ 17 Adar I, 5771 ~ February 21, 2011 

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Link of the Day
 

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Category: Testimonials

 

On GYE, the Road to Recovery is Never Unlit

 

By "Rising Up"   

 

I have spent the past week reading the struggles of other members on GYE.  It is truly an honor to share my thoughts with some of these members.  After reading through many of those that succeeded in overcoming their struggles, I have come to the realization that I can truly succeed with GYE as my vehicle on the road to recovery.   

 

In truth, much of the inspiration that I do receive from the various members comes from those members that have not yet seen their efforts culminate successfully.  Those that try over and over again offer inspiration to those that are first starting out on the tortuous road to recovery.  While we all realize that it will not be an easy battle, it makes it all the much easier to see those that are up ahead of us leading the way.  We are not being led blind, we see the results of those that have succeeded, and we can see those that are well on the way ahead of us.  We can see those that have stopped on the side of the road.  Some to take a quick break before loading up again, some have ran out of fuel, and some need some help getting their wheels rolling.  Whatever it is, there is always the sight of a rescue team there with those people, that serves to reassure us so very much.  The knowledge that help is never far away serves as a motivator to those that are teetering on the brink of the long road, those that are still just starting out, and even to those that are at full speed, yet need some reassurance and direction. Knowing that the road to recovery will never be unlit goes far in the mind of an addict.

For this I am truly thankful.

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Category: Quotes > Anecdotes

 

The Merit of Guarding Our Eyes

 

An e-mail we received from "HY"

 

I just heard this story on a shiur and I freaked out, and wanted to tell you about it. 

 

A few years ago, a bus on a lag baomer trip crashed and 3 young boys and a bus driver died. One of the boys who died, who had been a chavrusa with a boy who survived, came to his friend in a dream and explained what had happened to them after they died; how they got to shamayim, how they were judged, and so on. The boy said that one of the boys in their group was exceedingly careful with shmiras anayim; he took it upon himself to never look at anything inappropriate or untzniyut. When he died, the boy in the dream said, "THIS BOY WAS ACCOMPANIED STRAIGHT TO THE KISEI HAKAVOD". He was the only one of the people that died that went straight to HASHEM, and all in the merit of guarding his eyes!

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Category: Member's Chizuk

 

A Welcome to a New Comer

 

From "1daat"

 

Welcome! My experience is, and every veterano on this cite affirms, that there's no beating this addiction.  Most of us here are lust addicts.  And even though things can settle down, and we come closer to Hashem, and begin doing for and thinking about others, and even though we don't act out for very long amounts of time, we may always have the urge, and we all have our ups and downs.  

So we try to take this a day at a time.  We learn to notice things, about ourselves and about our addiction, and about our relationship to Hashem and to others.

This is not an easy journey.  But there are so many wonderful guys here, so many goofballs and Rebeim, and goofball Rabeim, and the going is more gentle than you might imagine.

I wish you closeness to Hashem that you know He's there right next to you.  Like He's in the room.  And when we give ourselves to Him, then we know real love, what we were looking for in our lust.

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

 

Are You an Addict?  

 

Are you an addict? Well, just because you feel driven to do these things does not mean that you are an addict, as far as I am concerned. Everybody with a normal human yetzer hora can feel driven to act-out. It is part of our nature that something about it gives a pleasure to us. Pleasure makes us all want to do that thing again, of course, and that is completely normal. There are lots of things that feel great, but that does not mean that they are good ideas for us to do them, like smoking, getting drunk, punching someone we are angry at, or eating creme-filled donuts three times a day. All these are unhealthy for us in some way but once we try them we want to do them anyway! And so with using schmutz. As Elya wrote recently, if it really is healthy and good for us, why do we all naturally know that we need to hide and do it in secret? Obviously it is not healthy for us... Especially using it in secret over and over... And especially being Yidden who can live a life that is mostly about good and productive things like Hashem, doing His mitzvos, and being useful to our friends, families and Klal Yisroel. Our life is supposed to be about being busy living real life - not about chewing all day long on our little struggles with ta'ayvoh in and out of the bathroom. 

For many, many good people, the stuff we are talking about easily becomes an obsession that takes over our minds and makes living 'the good life' very difficult.

Addicts do all that, too, but with this stuff, because it is so powerful and because we feel it in our very bodies, even non-addicts obsess about it sometimes.  

In my opinion, only you can decide if you are an addict. Is it messing up your life, or not? Can you stop, or not? To me, these were the things that helped me see that I was in terrible trouble and needed help. And before you decide that, I hope you try to get in touch with safe people to talk to in person. And if you decide that you are an addict, then I'd suggest even more strongly that you get in touch with real people who understand - like a good psychologist who specializes in this stuff, or with addicts in good, solid recovery. In my own case, these desires and forces were just too powerful to be controlled by completely relying on a pretend or phone relationship. After all, you are not even using your real first name - and neither are many of us! If this issue is really serious for you, then for crying out loud, get serious about it! Real problems need real solutions. GYE is a great place for you to start and has many great tools for you to use and practice - but I hope you do not stop here. Get someone safe and smart in your life to help you. By the way, this eitza is os yud-gimmel in the Tzetel Koton. Look it up there - the tzaddik's loshon is gorgeous.
 
Please daven for Hashem to help you want to do the right thing. To lead you on the right path. He will eventually help you find people who can understand and will guide you, and He will also give you sechel to grow out of this obsession and into getting busy with real life. It will probably be a long process, like all important things are. Be patient and keep trying.

If you find that you do not grow out of it and eventually decide that you are an addict, don't worry anyway. There is plenty of help - even for addicts - here and elsewhere! And Hashem loves you like mad and will never, ever abandon you, no matter what you do or have done.

You will be OK! Just do something about it!

Tuesday ~ 18 Adar I, 5771 ~ February 22, 2011 

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Category: Tips

 

  Writing a New Script

 

By "Silent Battle"

 

Part of the compulsive aspect of it, is that I'd sit in front of a computer, and once I was there, it was a natural next step to look at garbage.

One thing that helped me was to use my imagination. Before I was in the situation, I'd picture myself being tempted, and getting up and walking away! After a few times of doing that, I had a better chance of doing that in real life.

The reason is that we have scripts in our heads of our responses to situations. I had given myself a new script!

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Category: Q & A

 

Keeping What is Precious In Mind

 

"How do I get my brain to go back to normal mode and take charge, when my body is about to dominate?!!"

 

"Reb Yid" Responds:

 

When Yosef Hatzadik was about to be Nichshal with the wife of Potifar, it was the image of his father's face that woke him up and stopped him. The Gemara talks about those who would make a Shevua to stop themselves from doing something wrong. We all know the famous story of Rav Amram and his using Boosha to stop himself.

My advice to you would be: Think good and hard before you are in front of the computer about something that is most precious to you. For a Bochur that might be his potential Shidduchim, or losing the respect of his closest friends and Rebeiim, while for a married guy it may be his wife or children. Then, think of a way to set yourself up a reminder that will instantly bring that thing back in front of your eyes and on your mind when you need it most. Lastly, put that thing somewhere near enough to your self while at the computer, or near the computer itself, so it will be ready and available in case of emergency.

Just as an example: As a married guy with wonderful beautiful Heilige children, there is nothing in the world that I would care to lose more than them. So I paid about $10 and I got myself a mouse pad specially made with a picture of my smiling children on it. When I am vulnerable, I use that mouse pad to remind me of why I don't want to do this.     

 

Remember, anything you do can work, if you tailor-make it to yourself while in the proper state of mind. It is very subjective.

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Category: Member's Chizuk

 

Another Welcome to a Newcomer

 

From "1daat"

 

Welcome!  

 

You will stop acting out, but you may never stop being vulnerable to acting out.

You will learn what's for you to do and what's for Hashem to do (the age old hishtadlut-vs. bitachon issue).

You will grow close to "HKBH, so close.  And then when He turns His Face, you will miss Him something terrible... And then there's even more, more clarity, trust, simplicity, love, thoughtfulness. 

This is an amazing journey.  Not so easy at first.  But we're all here to help, care about, joke around and stay in touch with you.

Hatzlacha

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

 

Dov's 3^rd Step Prayer

 

Step 3: "We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God of our understanding" 

 

Nothing is "asked of us" in the 3rd step, at all. It is we who need to do the asking.

"Hashem, I obviously haven't the ability to run my life without screwing it up. My lust will overtake some areas, just complicate others, and I just don't have the natural ability to remain honest, useful, and free by my own power. My self-absorption makes full relationships impossible and just complicates everything, eventually. And my addiction looms as a force that will likely derail me into a useless, tortured life with no real peace anyway. 

But I cannot believe that this is the future that You have in store for Your kids. I believe You are a "nice Guy"... in fact, the nicest "Guy" of all... so...

As I am one of your kids, all I ask is for you to help me let go of total control over my life. I keep trying to put 'the fix' in, to manipulate the people around me into allowing me to use my drug, to waste my life, and to make my first priority - actually my only real priority in life - that they please me. Or at least that they all leave me alone....

I have had enough. 

Hashem, let's get together and work on this thing called "my life" together from now on, OK?

I'll get out of Your way, and please You help me see how things are running better Your way than mine, OK?

Wednesday ~ 19 Adar I, 5771 ~ February 23, 2011 

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Category: E-Book Link 

 

  "Reah Chaim"  

(Right-Click and select "Save Target/Link As") 

 

Download this inspiring booklet on Shmiras Ainayim by one of GYE's finest Talmidim ("Kosher" on the forum).

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Announcement

 

SA is Active & Frum in Jerusalem

 

An E-Mail we received today from "Avrech 613"

 

Our live group in Jerusalem is going well, B"H, we have 3 people so far and might have 4 this week.

 

I also started going to some real SA meetings, and I suggested to the other guys to do the same.

 

SA happens to be really active here in EY, having 3 different weekly meeting in Yerushalayim alone.  The one I went to was men-only, mostly frum and it was great.

 

What really pains me though, is that there seem to be tons of guys on the GYE forum who are living the problem, not the solution (I used to be one of them too). A lot of them could be helped if they only went to the meetings and worked the steps. I believe that GYE should promote live SA groups in EY at least as much as it promotes phone groups in America. (BTW, there are SA phone groups here in EY too).

 

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Category: Q & A

 

The Cornerstone of the Family Structure 

 

"Sometimes my addiction makes me think, what's the evil in adultery? So many goyim do it today. Is there something intrinsically wrong with it, besides for the Torah forbidding it?"

 

Answer:

 

Even without the Torah, adultery completely destroys the fabric of the family structure. If the one thing that makes a husband and wife unique to each other is no longer in place, then why should anyone stay with his wife when she gets a little older or a bit overweight? Or if she angers him a little? He'll just say to her, "go to the other men you are with - let THEM deal with you!"... And she'll tell him to go to the other women he's with.. If there's nothing unique to keep the couple together, then there's no commitment. This means that the kids don't have a father who is committed to the family. And not only that, the kids don't even know if this man IS their father! If they're both doing it with others, then the kids may be from others too! And then what kind of commitment does the father feel to raising his children and providing for them, if they aren't even for sure his own? In short, there can be no family structure, no commitment and no responsibility to provide - if adultery is an accepted way of life. Even for those who believe in Evolution and the survival of the fittest (chas veshalom), they would find that in communities where adultery is accepted, the kids would grow up unbalanced, traumatized and abusive - and they wouldn't survive long. It is common sense. And that is why our Creator, who knows exactly how He created us and what we need for a healthy family structure of responsibility, commitment and for the father providing for his family, He commanded us to stay far away from such behaviors. And we get tremendous s'char when we listen to Him, even though it's really all for our own benefit all the way!

 

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Category: Member's Chizuk

 

Thinking More About Him 

 

From Aharon

 

I've been reading a lot about recent Gedolim and it occurred to me that the tools needed to overcome lust addiction are exactly the same as those exhibited by our greatest Gedolim.  Simple acceptance that we're not meant to "have it all".  You can't act out in the morning and be an oveid Hashem in the afternoon (at least not intentionally).  Being an oveid Hashem means doing your utmost to remember Him at all times, remember His hashgacha and recognize that He runs both this world and next.  When you do, you'll naturally be drawn in the right direction and away from taayva.  But it takes sacrifice, and unless you hit rock bottom and see it clearly, you won't really be willing to make that sacrifice.  Once you do take that step, you're on track.  Just do it again, at each madrega, until you're the Chofetz Chaim!  All he did was recognize Hashem to the exclusion of all else.  We're working on doing the same.

One more thought.

There's a baseline that we all default to in our minds.  When we're not working or learning (and sometimes even when we are), what do we think about?  The answer to that is who we really are.  Are we thinking about lust, how to make more money, or how to grow in ruchniyus?  For those of us in recovery, the answer is probably "some of each", but hopefully, over time, we gradually think more about Him.

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

 

 

Living Without Him Isn't Really Living

 

Someone writes to Dov:

 

"I have a hard time considering the addiction in any form, even in terms of recovery.  It's triggering.  The best thing for me is to think of other things.  I'm concerned that if I speak to another addict, I will spend too much time discussing the pitfalls which would only be detrimental."

 

Dov Responds:

 

Agreed. The more we focus on our problem, the more we are living in it... and that's really a bad idea. The trick is to recognize our ill-ness, tendency to goofiness, etc. (living steps 1 & 4)... and still move right into steps 2 and 3 (living with Hashem and the people we are found with). 

 

So, in that spirit, on a good day, I see every healthy choice of any kind that I am zocheh to make as a direct enactment of my third step in general; every heartfelt tefilah I am zocheh to make (whether in shul, the subway, the shower, or even on the potty) as a direct working of my 11th step; every interpersonal problem that I have as an opportunity to either just (naturally and passively) sit in my addiction and react in the same way I always have and surely act out again as a result - or work my 4-7th step, sometimes 8 & 9, too; and every emotional swing I have as an opportunity to be in steps 2 & 3, sometimes 4-7, as well. There is basically nothing in my inner life - my reality - that is not helpable by using the steps. I do not see working the steps in my life as a mitzvah, but as a choice to just keep on 'surviving' through life - or to really live. And the only real living is living with the truth. If G-d is true, then it means living with Him - or I am not really living. If I really have friends, then it means really being a friend - or I do not really have friends. Same for a wife and kids - I am through with 'playing husband', just to get by. As Rav Noach zt"l used to say, if living your real life is not exciting enough and you feel you need TV or movies to really be entertained, then you must not really be living yet.... (or something like that).

Thursday ~ 20 Adar I, 5771 ~ February 24, 2011 

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Happy Announcement

 

New GYE Shiur on Motzai Shabbos! 

 

Motzai Shabbos is a time that many of us feel a bit down; we ate and slept a lot over Shabbos and then we're up late... Not a good recipe... 

 

Join us for a weekly GYE tele-shiur on the Rambam's Shemonah Perakim and Addictions, given by Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, LCSW-R, President of Nefesh (International Network of orthodox Mental Health Professionals). The shiur takes place Motzai Shabbos, from 10:30-11pm (NY time), and consists of studying the actual text, followed by discussion/questions and answers. 

 

The call in number and PIN is the same as Elya's weekly phone conference.

 

Dial-In Number is: 1-712-429-0690

Participant PIN: 225356

 

The text of the Rambam's Shemonah Perakim is available on line over here.

 

To download it as a PDF file, click here.

 

Note: If you have background noise while on the call, press "Star 6" to mute yourself out (you can still hear, but not be heard). You can press "Star 6" again to be un-muted.

 

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Announcement 2 

 

GYE will Be Featured in Mishpacha This Week Be"H 

 

After meeting with R' Yonasan Rosenblum last week (who writes for the Mishpacha and other Jewish outlets), we got an e-mail from him today that he hopes to place a detailed announcement about our work and services in the Mishpacha this week. This is great news, as it will hopefully help get the word out! It is a sign of the changing times, because only a year ago Mishpacha didn't want to even consider talking about internet addiction!

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Category: Torah Thought 

 

Awesome Beauty 

 

In honor of the Yartzeit of Rav Elimelech of Lizensk tonight, we bring this peice that was sent in one of our first Chizuk e-mails over 3 years ago (on this page). 

 

The Holy Sefer, Noam Elimelech from Rav Elimelech of Lizensk writes that Yaakov Avinu's attribute was that of Tiferes, meaning "Awesome Beauty". This implies that Yaakov Avinu had the ability to be awestruck by G-dly beauty in all he saw. For example, the Noam Elimelech continues, "When a person eats a tasty food, he should say to himself, "if this food is so good in taste, is it not obvious that all the good and pleasantness is to be found in the Creator--may his name be blessed--without any limit or boundary!"..."and this is the secret of the Pasuk "and Yaakov kissed Rachel".

How uplifting and beautiful it is to try to apply this midah of Yaakov Avinu to ourselves. Whenever we see something that turns our hearts to sexual desire, we need to tell ourselves, "If this woman is so beautiful and I desire her so much, how much more beautiful it must be to connect with G-d, who is the infinite source of all beauty, pleasantness and pleasure!"

 

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Category: Quote of the Day 

 

Taava for Its Own Sake

 

"Kedusha" wrote on the forum: 

 

Healthy attraction between a husband and wife is not "lust". I once saw in a sefer that "Lust" is doing things to increase one's desire for its own sake.  As the Torah says that the Asafsuf (Eruv Rav - Rashi) "Hisavu Taavah" (Bamidbar 11, 4), which can be translated "They desired [to increase their] desire".

 

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Category: Tips

 

Physical Activity & Exercise

 

We recently released an updated version of our handbook.

It can be downloaded here.

 

One of the things we added in the new version was the following paragraph, in Tool #6: Alternate Fulfillment:

 

It is very important, at all levels of the struggle/addiction, to engage in exercise and physical activities on a regular basis, at least a few times a week. Besides for boosting self-esteem, exercise releases tensions, stress and toxins from our system. Experience has shown that a consistent exercise regimen can be very helpful in combating addictive behaviors.

 

In Tool #16: Medication, we added the following:

 

As a side note of interest, one good therapist said that he never puts a client on medication for depression before having them try a rigorous regimen of exercise for about three months. In most cases, the depression disappears as a result of the physical activity.

 

On a similar note, someone wrote on the forum as follows:

 

I was able to do a little exercise twice yesterday. I just closed my eyes and imagined myself letting go of all my fears and resentments and worries and frustrations and I imagined myself falling back into Hashem's arms Who was there to catch me. It made me feel very safe and secure and connected to him and I was then able to speak to Hashem in a much more real way.

I'm going to try and do that everyday...

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

 

 

A Few Pearls Learned the Hard Way 

 

Someone wrote:

 

Recovery is just like the chazal about Torah - it's as difficult to acquire as precious pearls and as easy to shatter as glass.... I must re-inspire myself and retrain myself to let Hashem in all the time.

 

  Dov Replies:

 

Here are a few things from a screwball who has learned a few things the hard way. And I mean all that - (1) I am a screwball, (2) I have only learned a few things, and (3) I learned them the hard way. It is not 'humility', nor purposeful 'self-deprecation' - just the facts, as I see them. If these facts about me make it hard for you to accept what I share here as important, so be it.

OK. So, I think you might be sitting in the driver's seat way too much for your own good. I also think you are trying very hard to work the steps and recover... that is, trying very hard to do them your own way: alone. As you wrote: "re-inspire yourself"? "Retrain yourself"? How does one do that? Haven't we always been doing just that? Isn't that all our stories alone out there till now - just out on a limb alone in the cold with our rather weak and hard-of-hearing G-d, and failing?   

Most recovering people I have met agree that they could not have worked the steps alone. They needed to be part of a group, and in real life. Maybe the virtual relationships will work for your (non-virtual) problem. But what you wrote just reminds me too much of the way I'd often talk about recovering - basically on my own. I don't know - maybe you already go to meetings regularly, make multiple phone calls daily, and speak to real people about your desires in simple honest detail... If you do, I'd suggest looking at it more closely and seeing if you are still protecting or hiding something important. If you do not, I suggest that you consider giving it a try. Exactly what do you really have to lose at this point?

I also think you are demanding/expecting what is a bit too close to 'perfection' out of yourself. What are we, after all? Strong? Brave? Smart? Hah. Most of the things I have done in addiction where simultaneously weak, fearful, and ridiculous. I see that in the words you wrote: "must"? "all the time"? 

How about, "it would be better for me if I..." instead of "I must", and instead of "all the time", you can try saying "I hope to let Hashem into my life twice today. Once in the morning, and once in the evening after I come home. Twice would be miracle enough!... Maybe I'll go for once, first. I will try to do that today with Your assistance. (Then I'll see about the next day when tomorrow is over!)"

These are just suggestions. If I am coming off as a pushy pain, sorry. I don't mean to.  I'm a bit tired. Maybe that's it...

Goodnight, chaver.

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Category: E-Book Link 

 

  "Reah Chaim"  

(Right-Click and select "Save Target/Link As") 

 

Download this inspiring booklet on Shmiras Ainayim by one of GYE's finest Talmidim ("Kosher" on the forum).

Friday ~ 21 Adar I, 5771 ~ February 25, 2011
Erev Shabbos Parshas Vayakel 

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Repeat Announcement

 

New GYE Shiur on Motzai Shabbos! 

 

Motzai Shabbos is a time that many of us feel a bit down; we ate and slept a lot over Shabbos and then we're up late... Not a good recipe... 

 

Join us for a weekly GYE tele-shiur on the Rambam's Shemonah Perakim and Addictions, given by Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, LCSW-R, President of Nefesh (International Network of orthodox Mental Health Professionals). The shiur takes place Motzai Shabbos, from 10:30-11pm (NY time), and consists of studying the actual text, followed by discussion/questions and answers. 

 

The call in number and PIN is the same as Elya's weekly phone conference.

 

Dial-In Number is: 1-712-429-0690

Participant PIN: 225356

 

The text of the Rambam's Shemonah Perakim is available on line over here.

 

To download it as a PDF file, click here.

 

Note: If you have background noise while on the call, press "Star 6" to mute yourself out (you can still hear, but not be heard). You can press "Star 6" again to be un-muted.

 

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Category: Torah > Parsha > Vayakel

 

One Day at a Time Makes us Into a Mishkan

 

By "Yosef Hatzadik"

Vaychabeir ess chameish hayerios achas el echas v'chameish yerios chibeir achas el echas. _(36:10)
Vaychabeir es hayrios achas el achas bakrasim vayhi hamishkan echod. _(36:13)


Here, on GYE's Wall of Honor, we strive to reach the 90 day mark. We do that by connecting One Day at a Time. We make each day be clean for itself; we connect 90 such clean days to arrive at a unit, a 90 day clean streak.

At times, someone who already has such a '90 day unit' under his belt may need to restart his count, R"L. He again starts again creating one clean day at a time. These clean days add up & he reaches the 90 day milestone a second time (or a third....).

He now has two units of 90 day clean stretches in his account. These two units combine. Hashem combines them with golden hooks. Hashem sees a dear Jew who has been working on his kedusha for 180 days (or more...)!!!

He becomes a resting place for the Shechina!

HE is the ONE place in this lowly & impure world where Hashem can 'make himself comfortable'!

EVERY ONE OF US HERE ON GYE IS A MISHKAN FOR HASHEM!!!!

 

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Good Desire Can Be Very Holy

 

Brought by "Yosef Hatzadik"

Quote from: Artscroll's Chumash (38:8)

 

When the call went out for contributions, the women came with their copper mirrors & piled them up... Moshe was reluctant to accept such gifts for the Mishkan because they had been used to incite lust. Hashem told him that he was wrong, however, because these very same mirrors had been instrumental in the survival of the nation. In Mitzraim, the man had come home in the evening exhausted after a long day of backbreaking labor in the fields and the women had used their mirrors to entice them to continue normal family life.Thanks to this legions of Jewish children were born.  

 

Hashem said, not only should they be accepted, they should be used in their entirety to make the Kiyor.... The Kiyor was unique in that it would be used in the future to bring peace between husband and wife by proving the innocence of women accused of adultery.

Lesson: Even lust can be used to serve Hashem. All in its proper place!

 

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Category: Torah Thought 

 

How Does One get Out of Here?  

 

By "Ur-A-Jew"  

 

Boruch Hashem for Shabbos, I really need it. I saw a wonderful dvar torah from Reb Zilberstein (who I consider my rebbe, even though I've never met him) on Parshas Ki Sisa (in Borchi Nofshi).  If I had time I would translate and copy it over word for word since it is so fundamental.  It was about getting up after a fall.  In essence, Reb Zilberstein says that the measure of a man is what he does after a fall.  He brings down a story with Reb Yonason Eibkichsaz who was once sitting learning in his house late one Shabbos night.  Suddenly he hears a noise and sees two feet coming down the chimney followed by the rest of the body.  The would be robber is stunned when he sees Reb Yonason standing there.  Reb Yonason turns to him saying, no doubt you have come to ask me a shaileh and when you found the front door locked you came down the chimney.  What's your shaileh?  The person turns to Reb Yonason and says, I have one question, "how does one get out of here?"  That, says Reb Zilberstein, is the question we have to ask ourselves when we fall.

 

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

 

 

Living or Just "Not Dying"?

 

I never needed to stop the game until I really needed to stop. Then I stopped, and that is when the proverbial (whatever) hit the fan. I was using it for comfort about so many things, it was ridiculous. I needed a lot of help and support, and still do. 
 

But just trying to stay clean one day at a time is like being a sitting duck. Period. Rather than calling it "living", I'd call it just "not dying". Would we ever consider celebrating the fact that we did not suffocate today? We deserve little credit for making the effort to breath... not just because it's easy and natural, but because it's just "not dying". Mazel Tov. 

To me, the poison of the frum sounding attitude that "just struggling to stay clean one day is worth it" is a twisted view of "one day at a time" and is just an excuse for holding tight onto the luxury of being able to use my drug. Some can afford it, some cannot. I cannot afford it because it screws my life up. 

People who are not addicts are busy really living, and this lust garbage distracts them sometimes. For them, getting through the day without messing up is definitely worth it. And certainly, a sober day is a precious thing for an addict as well.

But to focus on not using lust all day long is an ill way to live, in my opinion, no matter what kedusha we attach to it. When I wrestle with a person with fleas, bedbugs, and lice, I will definitely end up getting cooties.

That is why after the 1st step is done, none of the 11 other steps have any direct connection to our lust, masturbation, drinking, gambling, shooting up with heroin, or any of that stuff. They are not about getting sober, and certainly not about "drinking". The program people discovered that their entire focus has to be on good-living, or they are dead ducks, guaranteed to "fall" again, soon.  

Sunday ~ 23 Adar I, 5771 ~ February 27, 2011 

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Category: 12-Step Attitude  

 

Filter's Aren't Enough. I Need a Change of Thinking  

 

"Moshe" has been with us on the forum for a few years already. After many periods of ups and downs, he finally joined Dov's Phone Conference to work the steps. I just received the following e-mail from him:   

 

Dear Reb Guard,

I just wanted to share with you that after much experimentation on myself, I have come to the conclusion that using filtration to keep me sober is only good as a "short term" solution. It's a good beginning, BUT, eventually it will back fire. A true addict cannot gain sobriety just by locking the booze cabinet, yet still "wanting" the booze. He will eventually get it! It may be  in one week or even a few years. But, he is still "wanting" the lust that he is locking up. It won't work.

For those on the forum who aren't 100%  true addicts (Dov believes that there are quite a few), filters will be good, but for the addict as myself, I must change my way of thinking. There is no other way. I must admit that I am powerless over lust and that my life "stinks" i.e. is unmanageable. When I can get through this 1st step; to internalize that I DON'T want to look at this shmutz because it has, and WILL destroy me, then, and only then, can I begin to obtain sobriety.

When I was using filters (thinking that they were "filtering" my internet), I often had that over powering urge to put them to the test. And I usually won (or lost in reality). AND, when I was filtering it, I was actually saying deep inside that: "I DO want to look at this shmutz, because if there is no filter, this is what I WILL do!" AND... every time that I am in a situation where there IS non filtered internet, i.e. I am in someone's house, a customer, a friend, I will be torn with lust to take advantage of this "opportunity" to look at the shmutz that I "really do" and always "did" want to look at. It will be so difficult not to take advantage of this opportunity. And, if I manage to pass the test, then there will be the next time.... until that eventual fall.

B'Kitzur, step one must come from within; the wanting and desire to stop.

And the step #2 of a "higher power", we, Am Yisroel, really need to work this step. Am I depending upon Hashem to save me, or a piece of software? Which one is it?  Is it Hashem or K9??

I canceled my "kosher ISP server" (which only made it worse for me), and I have the password to my K9 as well.  B"H, for the first time in my life, I sit with the shmutz available in front of me every day, and it is now over 7 weeks since I have seen shmutz. I know it will kill me, and when I do find myself in places that I can take a peek when no one is looking, why should I? I already made the decision not too, and the decision that I made at home, will go with me out of the house as well. There is no more worry of "what if I find myself in a position that....". I can get it home... if I want, and once I make the decision "I don't want it", so I am Ok outside also.

With all of this said, I am a lust addict and I am powerless over lust, and I can fall at any time period. I am fully dependent on Hashem at all times, for only He can keep me sober. 

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Category: 12-Step Attitude 

 

Some Notes from an SA Workshop with Mike C.

(Mike C. is a friend of Harvey, one of the founders of SA)

 

By Moshe

 

He stood in front of the crowd, men, and many wives, and while looking out, he said:  "A lot of you won't be here in 20 years".....

...There was a break for dinner, and when he came back afterwards, he said that "during the break, many of you came over to me and complained that when I said that many of you won't be here, I had taken away your hope. "I didn't say that you "can't" be here in 20 years, because if I can be here, so you can too. I only said that many of you "won't" be here. Why? "ARE YOU DONE ACTING OUT??? HAVE YOU FINISHED?! Because if you haven't finished acting out, many of you will leave, and you won't find yourselves back!

He mentioned that if someone has a fall of sorts, they do NOT go back to working steps 4 and 5, etc. A "fall" means that their step #1 is not good. They must go all the way back to #1 (I am powerless over lust, and my life has become unmanageable).

He mentioned about step #3, that he once knew someone that was very strong his group, he was a police lieutenant, and when he would read the 12 steps out loud and got to step #3, and read "the G-d of our understanding...", he would then pound his fist down on the table and yell out, " or the G-d NOT of our understanding"! 

He mentioned that he once went to a movie with Harvey, (one of the founders of SA) and suddenly a nude scene came up and he yelled out, "Harvey, why did you bring me here??!!"   Harvey said, "well... I just don't look", Mike yelled back, "I DON'T GO!"

He mentioned that one must listen to their sponsors 100%, no matter what!  (Ok, if they tell you to jump off of the empire state building you can look for a new sponsor. but otherwise...)  He commented that many people will say that, "my sponsor doesn't understand me completely".... They are really looking for excuses to act out, so they argue with the sponsor.

About calling your sponsor when feeling weak he said: You do not "think it through" before making that phone call. Do not depend upon your thinking and try to work it out to decide if you should/shouldn't call your sponsor.... That won't work. You MUST just make the phone call first, and only THEN your thought process will follow suit properly. The order has to be (1) first the call and then (2) your thoughts. If you do this, proper thinking will follow.

He told how once when he was about 13 years sober, he found himself out of the city and there was a "new" S--X place that he never knew of. He wanted to go in... because, "you know, the one's out of the city are probably different, and have things there that I never saw....  I knew I was beginning to lust, i.e. sweaty palms, heart beat picking up. This was before the time of cell phones. I had one quarter in my pocket and I was standing across the street at a restaurant. I was either going to put the quarter in a slot across the street or in the telephone and call a sponsor......  "I called the sponsor and told him everything, and that I wanted to cross the street and go in.... "what should I do?" My sponsor said......"Don't"! So I got in my car a drove home".

 

Mike C. also said that many people are mostly concerned with their length of sobriety much more so than the "quality" of sobriety.  But a sobriety lacking "quality", will not last... Even if the person is so called 'sober' for several years. They will eventually fall. A person can have a long period of sobriety i.e not acting out, however their head is still full of garbage.  

 

After receiving these anecdotes from Moshe, I sent him the notes I had taken in a workshop with Harvey a few months ago (they can be downloaded here). He replied:

 

Thanks for the "Harvey" transcript. It is very interesting how you pointed out the times that his voice cracked. The same with Mike C. Many times he would choke up. I learned from this that to become sober, we really truly must become religious Jews, i.e. get a heart, and REALLY talk to Hashem! There is no other way. Who knows, maybe this is one of the reasons that Hashem is sending us this illness.

Monday ~ 24 Adar I, 5771 ~ February 28, 2011 

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Category: Torah

 

In the Hand of the Tongue 

 

By "Ur-a-Jew"

 

The possuk says "death and life are in the hand of the tongue."  Presumably the possuk should have said "life and death are in the hand of the tongue"? Answers Reb Tzvi Meir Zilberstein that the possuk is referring to one who fell, i.e. "he died"... so the way back to "life" is through the tongue. For example, if you acted not nicely to your wife, say you got into a disagreement with her... Are you going to obstinately stick to your stance and dig a deeper hole, or are you going to apologize?  

 

In GYE terms, I think the tongue referred to in the possuk is to regain life by reaching out to a sponsor or a chaver by coming clean and getting out of isolation. You can also regain "life" through the tongue by speaking to Hashem and asking Him for help.  

 

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Category: Member's Chizuk 

 

How Important is Recovery to You?   

 

"Eye.Nonymous" writes chizuk to a newcomer:   

 

Realizing and admitting the severity of your problem is a good step towards recovery. You are recognizing that it's not just a little difficulty with shmiras eineyim. We can't recover until we first realize we have a major problem from which we NEED to recover.

All that stuff about the angels and being a Rasha, it's just your mind trying to give you more excuses to keep acting out. Forget about it. You're a Yid and you're holy, and as long as you're alive you can improve.

Get yourself into a recovery program. CHANGE YOUR LIFE to join a recovery program, if you must. Go to a group, admit you need help, even if you have to tell your wife "I'm joining a chizuk group," like many other people have done in order to join the GYE phone conferences.

Go to a 12-step group or a therapist if you have to (the former is much cheaper, and generally much more effective). Don't wait for one to come to you.

How important is your recovery to you?

 

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Category: Attitude

 

The Fake Me vs. The Real Me   

 

"Reb Yid" writes:   

 

It is so humbling to read a post from Dov. He says it like it is, and is so on target. I think the thing that impresses me the most and gives me the most hope, is that Dov is so comfortable with who he is.

For me, the first step towards recovery was admitting that who I really was. By separating the "now me" from the "real me" I was able to attack the "fake me" because it wasn't me!!!

Look at yourself in the mirror. See the person you have become. Now close your eyes and see the person you used to be, or at least the person you want to be. Acknowledge your mistakes and your negative addictive behavior. Admit that you are hopelessly addicted, and then decide to commit yourself to stay in the ring as long as necessary to fight this thing to the bitter end. IT IS DOABLE - DOV IS LIVING PROOF - But if what you're doing aint working, you gotta start doing something that will work!

If you are sincerely looking to try EVERYTHING POSSIBLE to get control over this addiction, the rest is up to Hashem. And He's done more difficult things! 

 

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

 

 

Recovery is the Tube that My Torah Runs Through 

 

If there would have been any other path I could have taken other than the 12 step path, I would have taken it! And I did! It was just that it was clear to me that I had exhausted everything else. I was already a frum guy and that had obviously not worked...what, does it only start to 'work' once you become a tzaddik?! What kind of religion is that? And other people saying stuff like, "well, then you didn't try it hard enough!" was not very helpful to me. I was sure that the RMCH"L or Reb Yisroel could have "fixed me"...but they were both gone, of course. And Mesilas Yeshorim was not working! It just was not: I wasn't clean, was I? 

The most basic thing that AA really gave me was the acceptance that what was 'not working' was not "Mesillas Yeshorim", Hashem, or anything else - it was me. I was broken and needed fixing and obviously could not do that myself. I had been trying for 20 years. And it showed me how to go about that in a way that worked for me. 

For me, this requires a group experience. The self-honesty, the work with other drunks, and the recovery, are medicines I will apparently need to keep taking till the very day I die. It just happens that I love that idea. I want my recovery - which to me means my personal honesty with no one else but my very own G-d, Himself - to be the very last thought I have on this earth. Him and me - and no one else, no thing else - nothing - in-between. 

For me, my Recovery is the tube that all my Torah runs through. The clearer my recovery gets, the more clear and unobstructed my Torah will be, for myself and for others. May Hashem Give me more and more of His Torah to make mine - my chelek of it, going through me into this world.

Tuesday ~ 25 Adar I, 5771 ~ March 1, 2011 

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Announcement 1

 

Delete the Browser on your Blackberry

 

For a program and instructions on how to delete the browser of your Blackberry, send an e-mail to deletebrowser@gmail.com.

 

(Your e-mail and everything else on the Blackberry will continue to work fine.)

 

The instructions are in Yiddish. If you need help with understanding them, feel free to ask us.

 

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Announcement 2

 

New Groups for Men & for Spouses

 

Zeva Citronnenbaum, CSAT, will be starting a new cycle of her phone conference for those who struggle with addiction, on Wednesday evenings once a week. It's only $200 for 10 sessions - for real Clinical Recovery!

 

See this page for more info.

 

In addition, she will be starting a new call for spouses of addicts to help them cope with what they go through. When we asked her what methods she uses to help spouses she replied:

 

Hopefully this group will be a resource for the spouses involved with someone who is suffering from sexual/internet addiction. There's a book called "Your Sexually addicted Spouse" about how partners can cope and heal by Barbara Steffens PH.D and Marsha Means. It speaks to partners and helps them deal with their loved ones and cope, and to take away the shame and stigma when dealing with the facts at hand. They will get empathy for the pain and they will not have to suffer alone. They may feel isolated, and carry shock and trauma. We will also address symptoms of PTSD. I hope to provide insights, important strategies and critical steps to recognizing and dealing with, and achieving healing when you love someone who is addicted. We hope to follow 12 step language (the 3 "C"s): You did not Cause it, you cannot Cure it and you cannot Control it.  We hope to give the women a sense of empowerment for their recovery, health and hope.

 

Contact Zeva at acoachservice@yahoo.com

for more information and to sign up.

 

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Category: Attitude  

 

It's Time for Me to Grow Up

 

By "Shnook"

 

I don't know quite how to explain what I've started figuring out about this whole addiction thing, but I'm going to try to start to put it down.

Basically, it boils down to this: I need to grow up.
What I mean is, if I see something and it's 'triggering' I feel, "oh no, what should I do?!"
Or, if my day is going bad I feel, "poor me, I deserve a break."
Or I just feeeeeeel like I need to, and instead of reaching out or trying to distract myself, like by leaving the house, etc, I make the wrong choice...

This all stems from a lack of maturity.

It's time to be an adult.

An adult can pass by a candy store and not buy himself a 'lollypop'.
An adult can say 'no' to themselves.

And also, when a kid has an issue, maybe they try to figure it out up to a point. And then they retreat and hide under the bed - or 'play hookie from school', or a hundred other ways to run away from the issue.
And then, eventually, because they're a kid, someone else figures out the issue and solves it all for them.
But an adult takes care of issues themselves.
Part of growing up is facing the real world - with all its 'unpleasantness' and difficulties, and not go running away screaming aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Also, part of being mature is facing up to the fact there is a problem.
So many of us don't want to.
So we hide from the issue itself, denying the extent of the problem. And every once in a while, when the extent of the issue cannot be denied any longer, we are crushed, guilt ridden and feel tossed to the depth of despair, hating ourselves because the realization is a SHOCK for us.

I have to grow up. And part of being adult is facing my issues, acknowledging I have them, though this might be a hard pill to swallow, and then be grown up and WORK ON THEM seriously. Because I am a GROWN UP.

No one is kissing the booboo away for me. 
No one is cleaning up my mess.
I do that.

And I can do it properly.

And rather than this hurting my pride/self-esteem in any manner, it has begun to do the world for me. Because I am no longer shocked or self-loathing towards myself when I have inappropriate thoughts or desire to act out.
Because I understand that this is the child in me, kicking. 

I can't be a child forever.

 

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Category: Torah Thought 

 

The More One Overcomes the Easier it Becomes

 

Translated from the Kuntres "Yesod HaChayim"

 

In letter 1,15a the Steipler wrote, "Experience shows that the more a person overcomes his nature it becomes easier and easier for him to continue to do so until eventually the test will be negligible."[We see this in the Talmud Sanhedrin 107A "There is a small limb, if a person starves it, it will be satisfied; but if he feeds it, it will be hungry."]

 

In letter 1,15b he adds, "We have to realize that every time one passes this ordeal it becomes easier the next time because this is the nature of this test, if you starve it, it is satisfied, like the Sages tell us in Sanhedrin 107. It is a tried and tested fact that in the end there will hardly be any challenge at all. One has to know that if he sins one time on purpose, it is not only a sin for that moment but the terrible effects continue for a long time, God should protect us, because one deed leads to another, like we learnt in Avos."

 

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

 

 

Dov Welcomes a Newcomer

 

I have a few things to share with you. Be"H they will be of some use:

If you are reaching out for help, I guess it means that you have discovered that your best efforts have not worked. So going it alone - merely with new information - is nice, but it never worked for me. So I can just share that with you, for whatever it is worth. If doing it your way and going it alone works for you, gezinterheit!

But if your best newly informed efforts get you nowhere in the end (again),  you'll discover that soon enough. Then you can always turn to a recovery chevra and to G-d. It will be available as long as there are sick people getting well together. 

Another thing. If your goal is to become a kadosh and not have 'disgusting thoughts', I understand, but have nothing to share but book-knowledge about it - and I have plenty, from the years when that was my constant struggle. Eventually, though it sounded valiant and holy, it got me nowhere but worse, so I will not go there.

But for me, the thoughts were beyond normal: they were relentless, progressive, invaded many parts of my life, and I followed through with planning and behavior that was slowly and progressively ugly and destructive. I became a frequent liar, a manipulator, and eventually too disgusted with myself to look in a mirror. Really. I eventually broke many boundaries I'd never have believed I'd break. After all, I was a frum yid... I learned Torah! I was spiritual! 

And I was also very sick.

So, if your thoughts are only thoughts, look around on this forum for help, get connected with people who are getting healthier - consider staying away from the whiners and from people who just want to talk about how hard it all is. Stick with people talking about the alternatives to our crazy and stupid lust-thinking. People who are focused on how to get open and honest and turn to Hashem and to people when lust 'attacks'.

But if you find yourself lying and having a double life, acting out with your lust and having to lie even more to protect it and cover it up, and you want to be free of the stupid, painful and destructive thoughts and compulsions, (ie, insanity) then I suggest that the 12 steps and Recovery might be for you! And it seems that people who try to go it alone - for whatever reason, good or not - are just trying to remain 'in control'; to still hang on to doing it their own way. Eventually, the lucky ones get hurt badly enough to finally let go and take whatever means necessary to get free. Not necessarily "for Hashem" - but for themselves.

Hatzlocha!!

Wednesday ~ 26 Adar I, 5771 ~ March 2, 2011 

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Announcement 

 

GYE in This Week's Mishpacha! 

  

Click here to see a scan of the article.

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Category: Attitude  

 

Do It For You 

 

By "Kosher"

 

I can say that since getting my problems under control, my marraige has improved so much and my life is so much better that I am now now controlling myself because I want to be happy. My selfishness tells me to control myself because that results in my being happier.

 

What you want to convince yourself is your business, but I think the experience of many people here (certainly mine) is that for our own selfish reasons we should control yourself (not just for G-D).

 

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Category: Personal Victory  

 

Finally Installed a Filter

 

"S4NH" writes:

 

I got a filter 3 weeks ago and it is amazing!! How could I have lived without it?!!

Just by installing it, it helped me not even try to look at anything bad. For 3 weeks I was able to stay away from evil without a problem.

 

At first my Yetzer Hara told me not to get a filter because it would block my work, or websites that I like...blah blah... But it's fully customizable and I have had no problems.

 

And one day when I was bored and alone, and for the first time I tried to look at evil.... But the filter held up and did its job very well! I did not see anything bad.

This filter thing is amazing and I don't think a Jewish home should go without one.

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

 

 

Distracting Myself vs. Giving It Up  

 

Avraham wrote:

I tried to distract myself by learning and going to a shiur... distracted myself for a bit. That lasted till like 5PM. I tried hard. I feel like I'm too focused on the problem and not living in the solution. How AM I supposed to live in the solution?

 

Dov Responded:

Sorry I cannot tell you exactly what to do, but I can share what works for me and if you want it, you'll take it.

 

"Distracting myself" will not - repeat, not - work in the long run. It is actually completely missing the point.

The only thing that works for me is giving up my right to look at porn and masturbate, period. Just for this day, or just for this incident. The 'distracting' method is just running away - and we cannot run away from ourselves. The lust itself is not out there, of course, nor is it on the computer. Our problem is that the only lust there really is, the only lust we need to reckon with, is the lust that is in ourselves. I need to quit asking G-d to "take it away so I don't have to give it up!", as the White Book puts it. There is no easy way out. 

But the difference between this and the old and useless way of "just fight it - don't give in!" is that I surrender to the fact that I am unable to win, period. Because it's the truth. So I give it up before it destroys me. I have had enough and am willing to have Hashem take away the compulsion - and the pain of not getting my fix. 

The problem - the real problem - is that we know that once the obsession and adventure with lust is taken away, we will soon go out of our minds. The porn, lust, and masturbation has actually never been our real problem! Life without it drives us crazy - the lustaholism is just a symptom and a learned coping mechanism that we are prone to. Our real problem is sobriety! Living without the option of being able to escape into the sweet, warm, accepting, exciting yet predictable world of porn whenever we need to - is simply terrifying.

And that's where the other steps come in... 

 

Avraham Responds:

 

These are my thoughts as I wrote them down after thinking about what you wrote and trying to bring this mindset into action:     

 

The idea of admitting powerlessness and submitting to Hashem does not only mean realizing that this will kill you. It means realizing that you do not have the ability to lust. My day does not have room for it. My life doesn't have room for it. My loved ones don't have room for it.

So the moment I start grappling with lust and start calling out that I'm in trouble I've already crossed the line. I'm trying to control my lust. I'm trying to be in control. I'm not admitting powerlessness.

When a triggering image draws my attention, the reaction shouldn't be "Oh No! This is triggering I'm going to fall I need to call out!" that's already giving the image power over me. And I am using out my power over myself to become attracted to it.

Rather, if I see something triggering I should turn away and not give it the time of day to take rent in my brain. I simply can't afford to become lustful.

 

Dov Responds:

 

To me, your words are 'spot on' and exactly the only attitude that works for me, too, so far, be"H.

 

And after actually reacting the way you describe to stuff I pass (whether they 'pass me' physically as images or mentally as euphoric recall), I give credit to Hashem completely and think something like, "amazing that a guy like me would actually be able to have that attitude! Thank you Hashem!"

Thursday ~ 27 Adar I, 5771 ~ March 3, 2011 

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Announcement

 

The new GYE shiur on Motzai Shabbos will begin at 10:45 PM. 

 

Motzai Shabbos is a time that many of us feel a bit down; we ate and slept a lot over Shabbos and then we're up late... Not a good recipe for addictions... 

 

Join us for a weekly GYE tele-shiur on the Rambam's Shemonah Perakim and Addictions, given by Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, LCSW-R, President of Nefesh (International Network of orthodox Mental Health Professionals). The shiur takes place Motzai Shabbos, from 10:45-11:15pm (NY time), and consists of studying the actual text, followed by discussion/questions and answers. 

 

The call in number and PIN is the same as Elya's weekly phone conference.

 

Dial-In Number is: 1-712-429-0690

Participant PIN: 225356

 

The text of the Rambam's Shemonah Perakim is available on line over here.

 

To download it as a PDF file, click here.

 

Note: If you have background noise while on the call, press "Star 6" to mute yourself out (you can still hear, but not be heard). You can press "Star 6" again to be un-muted.

 

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Category: Testimonials   

 

What's Working For Me  

 

An anonymous e-mail we received today from a non-religious man: 

 

To Guardyoureyes,

Thank you for helping me fight this habit and aiding me in my journey to improve myself. I have recently reached 90 days clean, without slips or falls. I am currently at 101 with only a small slip, and I hope to keep at it b"h.

I pray that I will keep improving. Being clean helped me work on improving other aspects in my life, though the way is still long. I am sure there will be many ups and downs and there are so many things that I would like to improve.   

BTW I am not "religious". Through this website I have learned to understand and appreciate people I had no way of getting to know before. I didn't always agree with everything, but I learned a lot. We have a lot more in common than we think.

There are a few things I came about in my journey that were helpful for me and might help others:

1. Setting my browser's homepage to a book of Musar - it's easy to find online, and it's nice to have it open up whenever you open your browser. It helps create a positive atmosphere and reminds you the right perspectives about life and internet usage. Besides, you get to learn more Rambam or Pirkei Avot just by doing your everyday things. I found that I didn't really need Google as a homepage since I can just use the search toolbar.

2. A photo of a loved one, family member etc. as a desktop wallpaper. BTW to put a bible or something you really hold dear on your actual desk (at least from time to time) is also a good idea.

3. Trying to always learn new things. Your website taught me a lot. It's important to try to develop every day, something I need to get better at. The main thing is doing it, not saying it - and understanding that the main thing is to try to do the right thing, no matter if you're up or down. Catching yourself when you're not productive and not positive and doing a few small good things is often as important as continuing a good streak of improvement by doing "big" things.

4. Setting Ad Block Plus - it makes all ads disappear (if it doesn't, you can use it to manually make them go away). This makes the internet a much nicer place.

5. I tried to keep everything clean and in order. Also, I stopped keeping tissue paper in my room, or at least near my computer. It sounds silly, but not having an accessible way to clean up helped me stay away from it altogether.

There is so much I still need to improve, and so much I hope to still learn, but I hope to gradually become better - in the long run and every moment separately. I wanted to write a thank you for quite some time...

 

Thanks again.

 

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Category: Member's Chizuk

I Was Too Busy For G-d

By "Moving Up"

I'm working the 12 steps, on the phone calls, really trying to make some changes, but they're slow to come.

But I'm starting to realize that it's part of a long process - slowly, I'm being given the tools to help beat this. I don't have them all yet, but I'm slowly learning them. And I have to put more koach into working the steps if I want to succeed.

And equally (or more) important, is that I know I have Hashem to talk to and help me through this. He wants us to grow through this! Nothing crazy deep, just to talk to Him, about my struggles and goals. I'm not happy about this addiction, but if it wasn't for it, I would still be going about my daily life which was too busy for G-d, and I would have missed out on this opportunity.

Thanks guys.

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

 

 

I Haven't Got it All Figured Out   

 

I have never told anyone that heneeds the 12 steps. Instead, I have always gone out of my way to defend recovery methods other than the 12 steps. I need to do that as I'll try to explain later. I guess some folks hear me echoing "use the 12 steps!" because they know my history and they actually do not believe for a minute that I am truly and fully open to other d'rachim to sanity and HKB"H. Well, too bad. I am. 

The day I begin to view the way that worked for me as the only way to a true relationship with my own G-d (which is the very definition of recovery according the the 12th step) is the day I will lose my sobriety. That's because it will mean that I have become an 'authority' or 'expert'. Then I have taken Hashem's place. It will mean that I believe I am the one running my recovery. Uh-oh. Ein bracha metzuyah ella b'davar hasamui min ha'ayin - that means that as long as I view the recovery as a gift from Hashem it'll work. When I 'have it all figured out' - where's the gift from Hashem? I got it all figured out! And I figure that'd mean that I really believe that I manufacture it - and can get others there.  

 

The 12 step attitude that I was m'kabel is this: I cannot even keep myself sober - really - so how can I get you sober?! Hashem needs to do it for me... maybe you can do it for yourself, maybe not. Who am I to know what you can or cannot do? That's how I was sponsored and sponsor others. I do not ever keep them sober. Hashem does if they let Him, and if He wants to. (I assume He usually does... but that's another discussion that you can see more of in s'forim like Mei Hashiloach and elsewhere)

And if I haven't 'got it all figured out', then I must be open to other d'rachim! 

And just for the record, my Program taught me that I can actually ask Hashem to give me recovery through His Torah, and I believe that would be what they call 'my chelek in Torah'. It is starting to teach me self-honesty. Since I view my problem as mostly a mental disease, I consider 12 step recovery as purely "Derech Eretz" which is kodmah laTorah. Meaning, before I approach His Torah, I need some sanity. As in "nosein chochma lachakeemin". And it is working nicely so far b"H. Not for everyone, that's for sure, but I love it and so do those close to me.

Friday ~ 28 Adar I, 5771 ~ March 4, 2011
Erev Shabbos Parshas Pikudei 

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Repeat Announcement

 

The new GYE shiur on Motzai Shabbos will begin at 10:45 PM.

 

Join us for a weekly GYE tele-shiur on the Rambam's Shemonah Perakim and Addictions, given by Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, LCSW-R, President of Nefesh (International Network of orthodox Mental Health Professionals). The shiur takes place Motzai Shabbos, from 10:45-11:15pm (NY time), and consists of studying the actual text, followed by discussion/questions and answers. 

 

The call in number and PIN is the same as Elya's weekly phone conference.

 

Dial-In Number is: 1-712-429-0690

Participant PIN: 225356

 

The text of the Rambam's Shemonah Perakim is available on line over here. To download it as a PDF file, click here.   

 

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Category: Torah > Parsha > Pekudei

 

Good "Enough" Isn't Good Enough

 

By "Reb Yid"

 

A common theme in this week's Parsha is that bnei Yisroel did "as Hashem commanded them to do, so they did." Is it not obvious that they would do it right? And even if it was necessary to tell us, why say it over and over again? If it was right once, it could be assumed that it was right always!!

We could answer this with the following example. Imagine you were playing baseball and the coach told you to hit the ball to a certain spot where nobody would catch it. So, you try to hit it there, but you miss the spot by about 12 inches. As long as you still got a base hit, nobody would care that you weren't perfect, because you did your job "good enough". Our Parsha is teaching us that real life is not like baseball. If Hahsem wants us to do something, then it must be done "as He commanded us to do it", and "good enough",  is just not good enough.

This lesson is all the more prevalent when fighting an addiction. If we expect to overcome, the commitment from our side must be 100% if we hope to get the help needed from Hashem's side. Hashem knows our hearts and minds and if we are truly dedicated, He will help out. But a half hearted attempt, like "i'll post a little, and learn a little, and really try", without taking the necessary steps to actually DO SOMETHING to break that trend, will not lead us to our final destination - sobriety.

Hashem is there for us. But we must do our part. We must be willing to change our lifestyles, our relationships, our attitudes, and/or anything else that is necessary to get it done. And remember - good enough, is just not good enough!!!
Good Shabbos!!

 

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Mishkan First, Keilim Second

 

By "An Honest Mouse"

 

Rashi at the begining of the sedra points out that Betzelel was named as such coz he clearly had ruach hakodesh (ie in the shadow of Hashem). 

How does rashi know? coz he even did stuff that Hashem told Moishe but Moishe didnt repeat to him. ie Moishe was 1st told about the aron and all the keilim of the Mishkan coz they're the ikkur and then the mishkan itself, but clearly it was to be built in the opposite order and Betzalel knew that even though Moishe didnt tell him.

This reminded me of rabbeinu dov's peshat in derech eretz kodmoh latorah. The keilim inside the mishkan are like the torah itself - that's the ikkur - that is Hashem's gift to us to enable us to reach great heights. 

But we 1st need to build the mishkan which will house the keilim - ie ourselves as a mikdash me'at, we are supposed to make ourselves a place where Hashem and the torah can function. Ie we have to be proper people with our middos straight, right across the spectrum before we can put the torah inside ourselves.

 

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Keeping a Gratitude List

 

By "Reb Yid"

 

In this week's Parsha the Torah sums up all of the donations that the Jews made to the Mishkan, both for the Keilim as well as the Bigdei Kehuna. The first question we must ask ourselves is, why is it so important to have an exact count of everything that was gathered? We know it was a lot, and we know it was more than enough, so why bother with exact numbers?

Harav Moshe Feinstein says that we see from here a very valuable lesson. When Hashem gives us things, He gives them to us to use to serve Him. In the Mishkan they wanted to keep exact records in order to make sure that they would use everything that they received without wasting a thing. So too in our own lives. Hashem gives us health, wealth, a family that loves us, Rebbeim, friends, and all the good things in the world. Why? So we should use them to get closer to Him. Therefore, we must take an exact account of all the good that Hashem gives us and make sure to use it properly.

I try to remember this vort when I feel myself slipping. Most of the times, when things are going well I have a much easier time handling things. It's the down times and the depression that kills me. By keeping in mind all the wonderful things that I do have, and how kind Hashem has been to me, it makes it somewhat easier to stay positive and upbeat, and not allow myself to fall.
Hatzlocha!!!

 

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Always the Eyes

 

By "Yosef Hatzadik"     

 

Ki anan Hashem al hamishkan yomam v'eish tiyeh layla bo leinei chal beis Yisroel b'chol maaseihem. _(40:38)

This is the concluding sentence of Chumash Shemos. As the Ramban explains, here is the conclusion of Yetzias Mitzraim. We became a Nation on the level of our forefathers.

Whether we see an otherwise bright day being darkened by a cloud or a dark time in our lives is suddenly illuminated, we must focus on our eyes - even during all our travails.

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

 

"Adult Entertainment" = Childish Stupidity    

 

Dov writes to someone who is struggling with using "shmutz"

 

Nothing you describe reminds me of addiction, just natural tayvo that is a bit twisted by shame, a big helping of bad habit, and some pleasure. You do it because it makes you feel good, right? Sounds normal to me. Not 'good', not 'healthy'... but not mentally ill, either.

So I thought a bit and feel like asking you this little question: 

How old do you feel while you are doing the stuff you describe? 14? 30? Or perhaps more like a hiding 9 year old boy? 

In my heart, even though I saw it as a poor excuse for stuff that adults do, I felt childish and ashamed.... so I hid. 

And how do I know that we all know it's childish self-centered stupidity? Answer: Because it's called "Adult"! The best secret of false advertising is to describe your product as excelling in exactly what it is most deficient. Hence the reform shuls called "derech emeth", pro-abortion called "pro-choice" (cuz abortion is about giving the fetus no choice at all!), and here - "adult entertainment"... please... big boys playing with themselves on tape and using other people.... that is what it means to 'be a real man'? The last time I checked, the only people of whom it's cute to have naked photos of were babies on a blanket. (I still wish my mother would put the ones of me away!) Babies get naked with strangers (like my pic as a baby in front of the photographer and every old lady that comes into my mother's living-room!) and it's OK. Babies. Adults have self-respect. I wouldn't expect my boss to have a naked picture of himself playing the piano on his desk at work. Why is porn sane at all? 

Yet I gave my life for it for twenty years. And you are using it now. 

So. I know how immature I can be and just thought it'd be nice to ask how you felt about the stuff you do. 

Sunday ~ 30 Adar I, 5771 ~ March 6, 2011
Rosh Chodesh Adar II 

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Category: Torah Thought

 

If It Has Scales, It Has Fins.

The Pain of saying "no" builds us.

 

By Yosef in SA  

(Adapted from the teachings of the Lubavitcher Rebbe)

 

The mishna says "any fish with scales has fins". (On the flip side, a fish with fins might not have scales). 'Fins' indicate the positive mitvas: 'action related' activities we do as we navigate through the day (like having fins to get us around). Scales are a 'protective shield' on a fish, similar to our 365 lo ta'aseh which we protect ourselves from. Internally we also make a 'protective shield' against activities contrary to the Torah. 

We may indeed become 'BIG PEOPLE' in the world; DOING a lot because of our fins which get us around. With no 'scales' however, we are immediately lured into the deadly habits of the world foreign to a yiddishe neshoma. We're not kosher, like a whale or dolphin with ONLY fins but no scales (like Maddoff or ex-gov Spritzer: Jews with lots of 'fins' and accomplishments with no 'scales' of protection against the lo sa'aseh). 

Our holy Mishna tells us clearly in TORAS EMES: "EVERY FISH WITH SCALES HAS FINS!". Every time we avoid looking where we shouldn't look, (i.e. we use our 'scales' of protection), EVEN IF THE PAIN IS SOOOOO GREAT BY NOT LOOKING, we automatically are growing (with our ruchnius 'fins') closer to Hashem. Torah defines reality and paskens so. We automatically have both fins AND scales, which makes us 'kosher'. We may feel ONLY PAIN by not looking at the 'triggers' initially, and we may not understand how, but we automatically are growing. 

Soon too, habit becomes second nature and the pain which dominated at first becomes basically batul B'miut as we learn to see Hashem through the pain, which is transformed into great, great simcha as we can even share about our victories with dear beloved friends.

 

Hope this is not too long, but I live with this every day.

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Category: Member's Chizuk 

 

Come Talk With Me 

 

By "1daat"   

Maybe only He has the answer for you.  We only have to listen.  Isn't easy to listen. 

Maybe it's not a pretty answer.  But you know in your heart that it's true.  And you're honest enough to know you really really need help badly with this not so pretty picture.  This not so pretty answer.

But one thing for sure.  The answer and the picture are never ever about your being bad, or not deserving, or in any way being not ok. 

Because His Truth, as unflattering as it may be, comes always with an understanding beyond anything human.  To hear Hashem say, "I understand", is like no other love we've ever known.

Maybe you're just different and unique enough that He's the only One who really understands your heartache, and can hold you as you weep, and gentle you, and help you recover, and find the Love that only He can give that's just for you..

Such a talk with Him might help.

When all else fails, when the counsel of the chevrah, the rav, the sforim, when nothing seems to be working, sometimes a quiet walk and a quiet talk, where we're really willing to listen, way down deep, and we hear that gentlest of all gentlest voices tell us, "It's ok.  Here's where to go next.  And when you need to go to the next place, come talk to Me again.  I didn't go anywhere.  For you... it's a local call".  Sometimes such a walk, as Rebbe Nachman advises, does the trick.

For us special cases.

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

 

Holding On to Things Loosely

 

Dov Shares how the program helps keep him calm when things go wrong:

 

We are on vacation now for a few days iy"H. We were less than a second away from a major accident just as we were about 2 minutes from the motel, after driving for about 3 hours. It was so close that my wife was shaking for about 15 minutes after, and she's usually quite cool. For some strange reason, I was not shaking at all. Nu. 

On the way here we realized that we forgot the camera, always a very important item, especially for my wife. We will try to have it overnighted by a neighbor to this motel today. The wife isn't too happy about the 'glitch', though. I am grateful to discover that I am really set on doing my part to keep positive about whatever happens and that Hashem has given me the power to see the bright side of our little tiny corner of reality, so far. 

Then we get to the motel after only one brief family argument in the car, settle in for three days together iy"H, and my wife discovers that we are ossur. She is about a week early. We are very close and having a lot of nachas just from being near each other lately, and that's great. But the disappointment that we would not be able to include the physical part of the intimacy into the experience here was pretty hard to take. She was more sad about it than I was, though. For I knew that I cannot afford to wallow in the sadness that was natural for me, and kept thinking, "thank G-d we will not have to contend with the complexity that sex adds to life during this vacation." It was a nechoma for both of us, especially after I told her not to sweat it (she was really upset, almost feeling guilty... that never made sense to me... I guess it's a girl thing). I reminded her of the complications that physical stuff adds to things during a vacation... and she agreed. Heaven knows we have both suffered a ton over that distraction in the past. The pain is terrible: giving, taking, feeling taken advantage of, demanding, expectations, trying to please or be satisfied but sometimes not quite succeeding... disappointment and disillusionment all around... Enough!! 

Well, frankly, I'd keep on trying - no, we'd both just keep on trying given the chance... as we have for years, but one of the 'nice' things about niddah is that it is final. It allows room for a gift of clarity in the times when there is confusion and doubt. A relief. Strange. 

Now we both feel better and are calm again. Is that a miracle, or what? Just a few years ago, I was going on vacation hopelessly holding onto the expectation that we'd finally have a private room and the kids would leave us alone enough for my lusts to be fulfilled! 

Now, that attitude is so easy for a 'holy roller' to criticize, but is there really anything evil about that? I think not. Certainly based on where I was coming from... It's a lot better than the poison of masturbating to fantasy, having relations with my wife while imagining she is someone else, watching porn and acting out, etc. Of course, the expectation will always ruin everything (and they did), but don't tell me it is evil. 

And no, I wasn't outwardly demanding - only inwardly. No one would have been able to see it, but it declared itself when things did not go my way. Boy, did it! Eventually, like a time bomb, it guaranteed that the kids would become a big pain in the backside for me. Eventually, they'd get in the way, and I be seething - all the while seeing myself as a tzaddik for not blowing up at them (really!!), and it ruined stuff. 

Were we going on vacation for sex? No, I'd have told you even then - and we weren't....but I was holding onto it tight! By my nature, I tend to hold onto it - and onto many things - too tightly. That is what the 4th-7th step process is for, b"H. 

Now, I can usually hold onto it and other things loosely. It's much, much better this way for everyone. And it makes it easier to live this day soberly, which is better for everyone, too.

Tuesday ~ 2 Adar II, 5771 ~ March 8, 2011  

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Category: 12-Step Attitude 

 

They did it all and wish they didn't 

 

By "Maamin"   

 

The joy is great, and so the pain. 15 years of desperate cries, with no answer. At last there is a light to be seen at the end of the tunnel. 15 years of trying every method in the books. 15 years of having a double life. 15 years of silence and being hopeless. 15 years of hiding the truth (even from myself). It only took me deeper and deeper into this mess. It started at age 12 with magazines, then dialup internet, then high-speed shmutz. I can't believe myself sitting here and typing these words. It feels unreal. I can't believe how the innocent young boy turned out this way. I was the quiet kid, who was nice, with good grades, observant and always tried my outmost to keep all the laws. It took months of work from Dov to convince me of this new reality. I was still under the previous impression of being that innocent boy, but I am not anymore. I am sick. I have a disease. I have an addiction. I need special treatment, and can't live life the way others do. Besides, I don't even know how to get out of it. I only know this fact. I have a Father in Heaven, who created me, knows me, made me with all my problems, and He cares for me more than anyone else. He knows how to treat me. I ask of Him every day to help me. Whenever I get stuck, I ask Him to help me, since I have no other hope. I have no one else to turn to and just cry. No one else understands what's even going on with me. After 15 years I have found a road. 

It took 5 months of just going to 12 step fellowship to just understand this much. I have much more to understand and work on. 

I have wasted 15 valuable years; the best of my life. There couldn't be any worse news that one could tell me. I have killed those years. I have changed my destiny with my own hand. Is there any pain greater than this? 

But dear friends, there is one good news. I have seen people much worse than myself heal. People who have been with prostitutes, abused physically, raped, drug addicts and drug dealers. There is hope in the 12 step fellowships. There was nothing greater for me than seeing men who have done it all come and admit that they wish they would have never done what they did. It didn't do anything for them. They lost all that's good because of it. 

 

Before you know it time flies. It's up to us to choose how it will pass. 

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Category: 12 Step > Duvid Chaim  

 

Duvid Chaim's Advice

 

"What can I do NOW before I slip?

 

Here are a few STEPS TO STAY CLEAN AND SOBER:

 

1)  Always first: have a good long conversation with HaKadosh Baruchu. He just wants to hear from you again. Maybe your "signal strength" got a little low. How many "bars" were you holding before the slip?

2)  CHECK OUT YOUR GLASSES!  Yes, what lenses are you looking thru when you view the Stuff of Life?  The Dark lenses or the Bright lenses?

3)  Re-read some of your favorite excerpts from the Big Book and the notes you took.

4)  REACH OUT - Talk to another member of our Chevra or make an effort to build the relationships with those around you.  This is one of the best ways to get out of isolation and share your burden with someone else who knows what you're carrying.

5)  Be of Service to others or do a random act of Chesed.  For your wife, kids, parents, Shul, Bikkur Cholim, etc.

6)  Get back on the Group Call. It's a wonderful way to review the Program materials and to be of service to the newcomers.

7)  And most important of all, LOVE YOURSELF and realize what a success you are. And that you are NOT going to let anyone or anything pull you back.  Remember, it's OK to make a mistake - just never say to yourself "I am a mistake."

8)  Going Forward, stay Aware of your Perception and Motives.

Remind yourself that you ARE in Recovery and that IT'S ABOUT PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION!!

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

 

Emunah Problems?

  

"I have Emunah problems because of my acting out", and "I just don't daven right."

Ask the average yeshiva bochur or shul member to say the Sh'ma in front of a bunch of other yeshiva guys/shul members. Then ask one to say it in English! 

Rav Avigdor Miller says an eitza to improve ourselves is to say many times a day all alone in private: "I love You, Hashem." 

Why does this feel funny to many? Why are we OK with saying Sh'ma in shul with people around, but saying "I really, really love you, Hashem!" openly in shul would feel bizarre? 

Why would it be met with strange stares were we to say Mizmor shir chanukas habayis l'Dovid in English in shul: hofachto misp'di l'machol li - You switched my mourning with a dance of forgivness for me! pitachtoh saki vat'azreini simcha - You opened up my sackcloth and girded me with the strength of joy!

I frequently do say that - quietly...I do not want people to think I am cracked or Christian (with my gartel?).... hmmm, Christian? Saying the pesukim in English sounds goyish? People have said that to me. Well...

Our great-grandparents in Poland, Hungary, and Turkey used to call out in the middle of davening in Yiddish or Ladino: "Teiereh, Tatteh leben! Gevalt!" 

So what is the meaning of all this? Where am I going with this stuff?

I believe the emunah problems do not come from the acting out. Rather, we act out with lust and porn because we already have emunah problems! And when I say "emunah problems"  I do not mean that we do not believe in G-d. We do! But I mean that our emunah is pathetic. It is not enough for an addict to just 'believe'. Not nearly enough.

And why is it such taboo to say to other yidden, "I do believe in Hashem in theory - but not so much in practice." What's the problem, isn't it true? Do we really feel He is really here watching us? Do we behave the same as when there is another person in the room? 

Yes, of course, we need to tow the party line, I know. To put on a good face for the rest of the world, especially the non-frum and the goyim.

But not addicts. We cannot afford that luxury. So why not say Adon Olam in English - not by reading the Artscroll - but by reading it and translating it and saying it in our own words. Maybe write it down first and then say it. Try saying it with another Jew around and see if it feels any different than saying it in Hebrew.

If it does - and even feels very awkward, even embarrassing - I submit that the one embarrassed may not believe what he is saying as much as he always thought he did while he was belting it out in Hebrew. 

For those who stick to their guns and say "of course it's awkward - it is goyish!"...well, I really have nothing to say to you, but "Good luck. When you want to really express yourself to your wife, do you say "I love you" in Hebrew? When you are really mad at your kids, do you yell at them in Hebrew? I submit that we can only express our gut feelings - our real feelings - in our mother tongue.

So if tefillah is avodah shebaleiv, then where do we get the idea that we can ever really daven the way it is meant to be in Hebrew?  

Now I am not saying we are not yotzei Sh'moneh esrei if we say it in Hebrew. I am just saying that to accomplish the realness of a relationship with your very own real G-d, you cannot be speaking to Him in Hebrew - unless you are an natural Israeli. So quit the games, and speak some of the precious parts of davening in English. The parts you feel directly address your greatest challenges. Speak with a Rov if you have halachik issues with the technical aspects of this, but remember that whatever anyone says, in your last dying moments when the entire game is over and you really need to express yourself in words to your one and only G-d... you will surely say it in the language that comes most naturally to you.  

So is your sobriety and sanity as important as you say it is? Then why not ask for it right now like you really mean it and need it? Training with a few small portions of davening (that are mutar) in your mother tongue is a fine place to start.

Do you really try to keep the six constant mitzvos? So it should feel great to get really private a few times every day and say to Hashem: "I love You. I am in awe of you. And I could use a lot more of both, so please help me."

You may find it an entirely different experience. And your recovery will start to progress a bit,  too.

Wednesday ~ 3 Adar II, 5771 ~ March 9, 2011  

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Announcement

 

Volunteers Needed For Important GYE Task

 

We have gathered a list of over 300 names of influential people in the frum world, and so far we have one dedicated GYE volunteer going through the list to try and find their contact information through research on the internet.

 

We are looking for some more helpers with good internet-research skills, to help find these people's e-mails and phone numbers.

 

If you can help with this, we would appreciate it greatly if you would contact us at ceo.gye@gmail.com. Thank you and Tizke Lemitzvos!

 

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Category: Practical Tips > Filter Tips

 

Delete the Browser on your Blackberry

 

Reb Yid, you need to have a Blackberry for your e-mails and business; but why do you need an internet browser?!!

 

Yes! It is possible to have all the conveniences of the Blackberry and still not have any internet access.

 

Click here to download the "English Delete Browser.rar" file - Which is a free program that eliminates the internet browser from your Blackberry.

 

Click here to download Instructions (PDF file).

 

E-mails and all other applications will continue to function normally.

(The browser can be put back one day if necessary, upon request)

 

Be Mezakeh the Rabbim and hang up this sign in your shul, shtiblach and office.

English Sign     Yiddish Sign