When surfing online, I consider my motivation for every site I visit. If it's a news site, I again consider why I want to read certain articles. If it's because the site or article discusses inappropriate topics (fashion or "news items" relating to immoral behavior), or even if it might discuss them and the Y"H wants me to find out for sure, then I don't click. In general, I limit the sites I visit to a small list and I question anytime I feel the need to visit a site that is not on the list.

When in the street I have a number of different methods depending on the situation, but 3 of the most common thoughts that I've been working on making "second nature" are:

1) Remember that what you see is the outermost layer only. Just a bit deeper is a bunch of gory blood and bones that you'd run from in horror.

2) An oldie but goody... Just get through today. Just for today, I will keep my eyes clean. I can do it!

3) One trick that seems to work for me is, if I catch myself looking where I'm not supposed to, I put my eyes in "Time Out" mode: Six seconds with the eyes closed.

The Vilna Goan asks how a person can know what their purpose for coming to this world is. How are we to know what our most intimate and personal challenge is; i.e. the very reason for our creation? The Vilna Goan answers that we can know this by seeing what areas are most difficult for us to control, and what issues challenge us most frequently. It is for those areas that we were sent to the world to fix.
 
So if this struggle is a major issue in your life, it is likely that this is your own personal Tikkun in this world. And if this is one of the main issues you came down to the world to fix, it stands to reason that you may have to spend a long time in this struggle. So don't despair if process seems slower than you wish, or if it even looks like you are going backwards sometimes.

Even if we slip, we haven't lost previous gains at all. A low point in the struggle doesn't show where we are truly holding. It is simply an opportunity to make NEW gains.

A king once had a good friend whom he hadn't seen in many years. When this friend finally returned, the king was so happy to see him that he told his treasurer to take his friend - who happened to be a pauper - to the royal treasury, and to give him one hour to take as much money as he wanted! So they brought him into the treasury and gave him a bag, which the poor man proceeded to fill with gold coins until the bag could hold no more. Full of gratitude and happiness, the poor man began to leave, but as soon as he stepped out of the door, the guards gave the bag a big kick and all the coins spilled onto the floor. The man was distraught, but he looked at his watch and saw that he had still had plenty of time until his hour was up, so he quickly returned to the treasury and began to refill the bag with coins. But when it was full and he tried to leave, once again the guards gave the bag a big kick and everything went flying. The man was at his wits end, but seeing that he still had more time, he refused to give up and he went back in and tried to fill the bag yet again. 

But the same scenario repeated itself over and over. The guards kept kicking the bag of coins and causing everything to spill, until the poor man was sure that he was simply wasting him time. 

Finally the hour was up, and the guards dragged the poor man out of the room with his bag barely half full.

But suddenly, the poor man looks up and he sees a wagon over loaded with gold coins standing before him. And as he stands there wondering for whom all that money is intended, he sees the king coming to greet him with a big smile. And the king tells him that the entire wagon load of gold coins belongs to him, explaining that he had commanded the guards to make him lose his coins each time, so that he would manage to gather up so much more in the one hour that he had!

And so it is with our life on this world. Often after we have made good progress and our bag is "full", Hashem commands the guards to give us a kick and we lose everything. Hashem does this purposefully so that we can keep filling up the bag again and again, but the foolish man thinks that all his work is in vain and he simply gives up trying. However, the wise man knows that he hasn't lost anything from his previous efforts, and he starts over again and again from scratch - with JOY.

And if we follow the path of the wise man, when our time is up and we come to the next world, we will see a huge pile of spiritual "gold coins" waiting for us from the progress that we had made each and every time we started over again!

"Simcha is the Key"

A post from "Bardichev" on our forum

What is Simcha? Is it being happy? Is it being funny, laughy or giggly? Is it having a blast? 

I'll tell you what Simcha is. Did you ever see an old Jew sitting by his grandson's wedding with a faint smile curling up at the corner of his lips? That is Simcha. 

He's not jumping up and down, not hollering with his buddies, not downing bookers at the bar. HE is BESIMCHA.

SIMCHA is the feeling that one has when they feel that they truly accomplished something and did the right thing. When someone is in a complete state they are in a Matzav of Simcha.

So why is Simcha the key to breaking free of the Yetzer Hara? Well, there really is no such thing as Simcha that one can feel and HOLD ON TO. Hashem is the mekor (source) of Simcha, and what people are really looking for deep down (when they stray after false pleasures) is accomplishment and fulfillment by obtaining a true relationship with Hashem.

But attaining Simcha is WORK, WORK, WORK. Any quick-fix will lead us to sin, and then to addictive behaviors that are so hard to rectify.

So the first step is to realize that the Yetzer Hara is just a "mirage" of what you are really looking for. Not only doesn't it bring "real" Simcha, this road always leads in the end to depression.

So let's start looking for the real thing! Let's find things that can trigger REAL JOY!

If you need inspiration, watch little kids play, watch the birds. Go out of your way to help someone. Compliment your spouse, employee, rebbe, student, neighbor, etc...

And the ultimate misameach is TORAH... Tomorrow we will B"eH post some eitzos on how to find sheer joy in our HOLY TORAH.

Finding Joy in Torah

A post from "Bardichev" on our forum

There is no such concept as "I am not cut out for learning", yet many people FEEL that way. When we where young, we where FORCED to learn, and that in itself often took away from us the CHESHEK. It is a crime that some parents, teachers and rebbe'im robbed the Cheshek from their students.

But to set the record straight, everyone can learn something. Everyone needs to learn something.

Torah IS the source of life. And it is brought down in the Holy books that everyone has a portion in Torah. 

Again: EVERYONE has a portion in torah.

So if you ask, where does this come into battling the Yetzer Hara?

The answer is - my friends, that everything in this world was built on the mechanics of Male/Female attributes, which means provider/receiver (the Kabbalists explain this more in depth). Simply put, Hashem is the ultimate provider, and we - the world, are the receivers.

The glue that bonds the Male (or the Giver) to the Female (the Receiver) is called CHESHEK - Desire.

TORAH NEEDS TO BE LEARNED WITH CHESHEK. That is what satisfies a person. If you have no CHESHEK in Torah, you will automatically feel an urge to place the CHESHEK elsewhere, and usually it is in sin.

But what if you don't have a CHESHEK to learn? 

TRY your hardestto find a subject or a Rebbe, or a shiur, or a chavrusa, or something - anything, that interests you in Torah. After all, every subject in the world, from A-astrology to Z-zoology - and everything in between - is covered by our Holy Torah.

The Chafetz Chaim explains that Torah is "MACHSHIRO LIHIYOS TZADDIK" i.e. it prepares one to become a Tzadik. It is like Kashering the vessels, it cleans one out and makes him Kosher.

So let's open our minds and try to get into TORAH, and we will succeed to break free of the Yetzer Hara's hold with ease!

The Tightrope

The GYE Logo is of a man on a tightrope. This is based on the famous saying of Rebbe Nachman: "The whole world is a very thin bridge, and the main thing is not to be afraid at all".

It occurred to me how profound the words of Rebbe Nachman are! In this short saying, Rebbe Nachman addresses two types of worry, one that we should have, and one that we should NOT have. As he says: "The whole world is a very thin bridge" meaning; we must be very deeply aware of how precarious our situation is, and to make sure that we are taking steps in the right direction. But in the very same breath, Rebbe Nachman goes on to explain, "And the main thing is - the secret to success is - not to fear at all!" Never look down from the tightrope! Just put one foot in front of the other and hold on to G-d with all your heart.

The Making of Diamonds

On our journeys through life, we are often subjected to tests that we could not withstand, and failures that seemed catastrophic and irreversible at the time. We wondered what G-d wanted from us, and why we had to undergo such trials and tribulations. But one day we will all look back on our lives and understand. 

Although the time-line for success may not be what we imagine, we all have the opportunity - at the end of the day - to make out of our lives a beautiful diamond for Hashem's glory. And one day we will look back and see how the hand of Hashem was guiding us the whole time, through the deepest and darkest places - and out into the beautiful light.

For today's Chizuk e-mail, I want to bring links to two stories that display this truth so beautifully that it brings tears to one's eyes. How wondrous and mysterious are the ways of Hashem. What strange and difficult paths he leads us on sometimes, only to bring out in the end such brilliant jewels for His crown!

Link 1: Just One Jew.
 

Link 2: From Leading Criminal to Rosh Yeshiva.

In both of these stories, if these precious Jews had not first been steeped in sin and darkness, they could never have become the powerhouses of Kiddush Hashem that they indeed became!

As the Zohar in Parshas Tetzaveh Writes:

There is no light besides that which comes out of darkness... And avodas Hashem can only be through darkness first, and there can be no good, only though bad. And when a person goes into a bad path and then leaves it, the Master of the World's honor is elevated. And therefore, the "Shleimus" (completion) of everything, is good and bad together - and then to leave to the (side of) good. And there can be no good but that which comes through bad, and from such good, Hashem is elevated. And this is called an "avodah shleimah" (a complete service of Hashem).

Rabbi Twerski shared with us the following beautiful inspiration:

Keep it Simple

One of the slogans of the 12-step program is "Keep it simple". It is important to keep things simple. We make things difficult by complicating them.

"Simple" does not mean "easy." A command to lift a 100 pound weight is simple, it's just very hard. If we keep things simple and are willing to do hard work, we can triumph.

Before Rebbe Yohanan ben Zakai died, his talmidim asked him for a bracha. He said, "May you fear Hashem as much as you fear other people". There are things a person would be ashamed to be seen doing by others, but is not ashamed to be seen doing them by Hashem."

People who would be afraid to look at inappropriate material in a store because someone might see them there, have no shame in being seen by Hashem. The first paragraph in the Shulchan Aruch instructs us to constantly be aware that we are in the imminent presence of Hashem and behave accordingly.

That is simple. There is nothing complex about it. It is just very hard to do.

We must work hard to attain yiras shamayim. Mesilas yesharim points out that we must work diligently to get it, "like one who searches for silver and digs for treasure." If you don't find the treasure at first, you don't give up. You continue digging, even exhausting yourself in order to find the treasure. That's how we must work for yiras shamayim. It is not going to just drop down from heaven.

Pray hard and tearfully for yiras shamayim. Our lives depend on it. Read the essays in mussar on developing yiras shamayim. This is a prayer that is always answered, provided that we really want it.

Do you want JOY in your Life??

By Duvid Chaim

Of course you do!! Who doesn't want JOY in their life? What's wrong with being a "thrill seeker?" In fact, we learn from theRamchal that HaKodesh Baroch Hu specifically created man to bask in His light and receive His Joy. How can there be anything wrong with us if we seek Joy in life? After all, we are "wired" that way by the Creator Himself!
 
The problem that we face with the Yetzer Hara is NOT that we seek Joy. The problem is that we can NOT tell the difference between "True Joy" and "Counterfeit Joy".
 
In other words, it actually feels the same to our mind and body whether we're in the midst of enjoying illicit desires or when we're in the midst of enjoying a mitzvah, like chesed for example. That doesn't seem fair, you might say. How can Hashem really expect us to fight our Yetzer Hara when He makes it so enjoyable to sin?

That's why I suggest we practice an EXERCISE to FIND TRUE JOY, as follows:

Find a quiet time and space to sit down and write in your notebook. On one page, write down some of the TRUE JOY in your life. For example, you might write on this page:

• "spending time with my kids at supper time"
• "taking a leisurely walk with my wife"
• "the experience of bentching my children on Shabbos" 
   

And on the "Counterfeit Joy" page, you might write:

• "the Billboard I drive by everyday on the way to work"
• "the young girl I see at Starbucks dressed provocatively"
• "the pop-up that shows up while I'm on my computer with the latest news about some celebrity or another".
   

How do we distinguish between True Joy and Counterfeit Joy? True Joy is something that when we experience it, we feel close to G-d. And more than that, when the experience is over, we feel good about ourselves. And later, we look back with fond memories about the experience. Counterfeit Joy however, is something that when we experience it, we feel removed from G-d. Afterwards, we feel impure and full of shame. And later, we look back at the experience with regret and remorse.

Since our bodies can not tell the difference between True Joy and Counterfeit Joy, by doing this exercise, we "concretize" the experiences that we often face in our lives. And the next time we encounter something that is written down on our "Counterfeit Joy" page, a light will come on in our mind and we will be able to "point" at that opportunity for joy and say, "hey, you're on my "Counterfeit Joy" page. I don't want to have anything to do with you!"
 
This Exercise is so simple and yet so effective.

Rabbi Twerski shared with us the following two inspirational tips:

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In Truth

There was an incident that taught me something about turning to Hashem for help:

At a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous in Jerusalem, one man who was seven years sober related that he had resisted AA at first because it was God-oriented, and he was an atheist.

"One day", he said, "I was walking along the beach in Tel Aviv, thinking whether I should just walk into the ocean and end it all. I had nowhere to go, my wife had thrown me out of the house. In desperation, I looked toward the sky and shouted, "If You're up there, then help me!"

And He helped me.

Now, with the help of G-d, I am seven years sober."

When I heard this, I thought of the verse in Tehillim: "Hashem is close to all who call upon Him, who call upon Him in truth".

That's the clincher: in truth.

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Guarding the Tongue Guards the Bris

There are many people who are desperate and say that they would do anything to be free of the compulsion. Here is something that will indeed take much effort, but if one is really ready to do anything, this can help greatly:

WATCH YOUR SPEECH! Be meticulous in avoiding ALL lashon hara (defamatory talk), any untruth, and any coarse language (see sources below).

In order to know what proper speech is and what is forbidden, avail yourself of the Chafetz Chaim's "Guard Your Tongue."

This may seem simple, but it really takes great effort, because we are in the habit of talking without giving much thought to what we say. To become conscious and watchful of speech is anything but simple, but if one is really interested in being shomer habris properly, this can be of great help.

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Sources: Many Chassidic works are replete with the idea that "bris halashon mechuvan negged bris hamaor" and that shemiras halashon leads to shemiras habris (see Sefer Chareidim 66:9). The most common Posuk quoted in this regard is "Al titein es picha l'hachti es bisorchoh".... See also the mafteach in the Yad Ramah edition of the Shaloh hakadosh for something a bit earlier than chassidish, and this concept also comes up quite a few times in the out-of-print Peleh Yoaitz from the Hornisteipeler (Rabbi Twerski's grandfather).

Yesodos A to Z by "Battleworn"
(Part 1)

Excerpts of Battleworns's "Torah Approach" on our Forum Here.

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In this struggle, we must internalize the following truths:

a) Those who struggle with this issue should understand that the purpose Hashem sent us to this world was to work on this very issue!

b) The reason we are given a lifetime, is because that's how long it takes until we get it right. And no one said it's supposed to be easy!

c) Hashem doesn't make bad investments, so when He gave you this mission He knew what He was doing!

d) Everything depends on the eyes, the heart and the mouth!

e) Every effort that we make is worth infinitely more than anything in this world, EVEN IF WE FELL IN THE END!

f) The only thing we really have bechira (free choice) on, is ratzon (our WILL). Even hishtadlus (our effort) is part of ratzon. Success is only in the hands of Hashem!

g) Our job is to do everything that we can. What we can't do, is not our problem. And if we can't do anything, all we need to do is have pure Emunah and leave everything up to Hashem! The clear realization that there is "nothing besides Hashem" has the power to bring tremendous Heavenly assistance, and at the same time - it destroys the lust at it's source!

h) The only way to fight the y"h is to learn how to avoid him! 
 
i) Not only is this nissoyon (test) not a hindrance to your success, but in fact it's the only way possible for you to reach your goal!

j) Hashem is totally and completely on your side, and he's NOT disgusted with you!

k) Every yerida (downfall) is always a preparation for an aliyah (going up)!

l) The greatest nachas ruach for Hashem is when someone who is in the grip of the Yetzer Hara still tries to fight. This is the ultimate Shechinah Betachtonim (the divine presence in the lowest places) which is the purpose of all creation!

m) Hashem does not expect you to do it alone! In fact, isolation breeds the yetzer Hara as it says in Mishlei: "Lataavah Yivakesh nifrad - Desire seeks isolation". That's why Hashem gave us this Holy GuardYourEyes network!
 

We will bring "n - Z" tomorrow, be"h.

Yesodos A to Z by "Battleworn"
(Part 2)

Excerpts of Battleworns's "Torah Approach" on our Forum Here.

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Posted by "Pintale Yid" on our forum:
 

There was a Gerrer Chasid who lost all of his family in the Holocaust. Although he had a beard, payos and yarmulka before the war, the Nazis - Yimach Shemem Vizichrom (may their memory be obliterated) - took them away from him and he didn't reclaim them after the war. He moved to Tel Aviv and after some time, he missed his Rebbi, the Imrei Emes. He decided to visit him, and when the Imrei Emmes saw him, he recognized him and invited him into his study and asked him to tell his story. (As a side note, the Imrei Emes lost half his family and 250 thousand (!) chassidim in the Holocaust.)  

After the yid told his story, both he and the Imrei Emes put down their heads and wept for a very long time. At some point, the Imrei Emes picked up his head and stopped weeping and asked the yid a question. Moshe Rabbeinu tells the Yidden in Parshas Ekev (9:17), "Va'ashabreim Li'aynachem - I broken them (the Luschos) in front of your eyes". It seems that "Li'aynaychem" is extra since he was talking to klal yisroel? He answered that it is because the Luchos were only broken in front of Klal Yisroel's eyes. In truth, there is a place where the Luchos were never broken. And he applied it to the Holocaust and all the other massacres that the Jewish people have endured over the years. He said that "although your family and much of my family and much of my Chasidim were killed - they were killed only in a bechina of"Li'aynachem". But there is a place where every heiliga yid still lives unbroken and totally whole."
 

My beloved brothers. I wish to apply this to our situation. Although we "break" our neshamos from time to time, (sometimes more often than we like), we should remember that this is only L'aynainu. But in the sefira of Kesser, in the bechina of "kol Yisroel", our Neshamos are totally clean and whole.

So next time the Y"H wants to tell you how bad you are, send him to the Nazis. No matter what your stage, remember "Veshuchanty b'soch Tumasum - and I dwell within their impurities". You might not know where that place in you is, but the Pintele Yid in you knows and is living in harmony with Hakodosh Baruch Hu, as it says in the Zohar (and bought in the Tanya) on the posuk in Berashis "Vayepach Bapov Nishmas Chaim, Man D'nofach M'Toicoi Nafach". This means that Hashem breathed from his essence into man. We all have a piece of Hashem inside us!

Posted by "7Up"

My son went to the beach in Bat Yam yesterday on a class trip. He had a wonderful time BH, except for one minor setback. Towards the end of the day, a larger than normal wave came crashing in. As he fought to retain his balance, he noticed a huge, opaque jelly fish wash towards him. Because he was still trying to stay afloat, he was unable to avoid it. It attached itself to his leg and stomach, stinging him. Finally pulling free, he waded back to shore and went for help. The lifeguard poured vinegar over the burns. The 'refuah' was even more painful than the sting, he told me, but after a few minutes, it began soothing the pain and he felt much better. (He showed me the burn when he got home - the body must have been the size of a large dinner plate, besides the tentacles.)

It got me thinking about how similar our battle is. 

We get overwhelmed by the huge waves of stress, anxiety and restlessness that crash over us; throwing us off balance and making it so hard to simply stand securely in one place, never mind actually move forward. 

Then the Yetzer Hara attacks out of the blue, blending in to the surroundings so well that we barely even see it before we are overpowered. 

Once the stinging attack is over, our pain is terrible, causing us to cry out for help, but the damage is already done. The poison has already seeped in to our bodies.

Sure, the refuah of Teshuvah seems more painful than the sting in the beginning, but very quickly, we see healing and comfort.

Yet even once we feel better, the scar remains; a clear reminder of the past, and a warning for the future!

One step further: My son's friend fished the jelly fish out of the water (with a stick, not his hand!) and laid it out on the sand in the light of day. Within minutes, it began evaporating, drying out as if nothing more than air!

Just like that Yetzer Hara! Expose him to the light, and we can see him for what he really is - nothing more that mere slime, destined to fade away if we can just get him out into the sunlight!

Don't Stray After Your Eyes
 

Posted by "Bardichev"

From HaGaon Reb Leizer Geltdzeler ZT"L:

In the Parsha of TZITZIS, the Torah Teaches us: "VE'LO SASURU ACHAREI LIVAVCHEM VIACHAREI EINICHEM - And you shall not stray after your heart and after your eyes".

Said Reb Lazer, VE'LO SASURU - you should not stray from the path of Hashem, ACHAREI LEVAVCHEM, V'ACHAREI AINEICHEM. The Torah is telling us, that even AFTER you already sinned, even AFTER you already started to go after your heart or eyes, DON'T CONTINUE the downward slide that the Yetzer Hara is trying to get you into even more than the sin itself!

So if you sinned, shake it off and continue on!!

Wherein Lies Our Bechirah

Posted on the forum by "Pintale Yid"
 

from the Sefer"B'gan Hachachma"by Rav Shalom Arush

Rav Arush discusses how people get depressed because even though they try their best to succeed, they fail and continue to fall. He writes that if someone gets depressed, he should realize that he doesn't have enough Emunah, because he thinks that he could accomplish something that Hashem didn't want him to accomplish. The biggest proof that Hashem didn't want him to accomplish it, is that he continues to fail! 

Even though a person tries his best, often Hashem doesn't let him succeed because he hasn't yet built up the "vessels" to be able to correctly react to success (as Hashem's doing). Succeeding under such circumstances would lead a person to haughtiness, and this is worse then any sin since it severs a person's relationship with Hashem.

If a person keeps on doing T'shuva and Davening for divine assistance, eventually he will build strong enough vessels for him to succeed at what he is trying to accomplish, and when he does finally succeed, he won't attribute his success to himself but only to Hashem.

Therefore, the only Bechira (free-choice) we really have is whether to be happy or not, irrespective of our success or failure. 

Success doesn't breed happiness, but happiness breeds success. Even if we keep on losing our long drawn out battles, as long as we recognize that Hashem is the one pulling the strings, we can be happy since Hashem ultimately knows what is best for our Tikkun.

Atonement for the Soldiers

"Let Go and Let G-d"

Emunah Peshuta

Learning to "Let go and let G-d" is perhaps the strongest tool against the Yetzer Hara. By acknowledging that Hashem is in charge and that He'll take perfect care of us, we can use "G-d's strength" not to stray after our eyes and hearts.

I saw in the sefer Shomer Emunim that we can't even begin to fathom the Emunah (faith) that our forefathers had. The revelation that they had of Hashem is way beyond our grasp... BUT, Emunah P'shuta (simple faith) is our yerusha (inheritance) too, and we still have it and we will never lose it!

Emunah P'shuta means - I don't understand anything; everything is hidden before me, BUT... Hashem is in control. Period!!!

I don't need to see how Hashem is in control because.... I "know" it.

I don't need to feel that Hashem is in control because... I "know" it to be true.

Emunah P'shuta means "knowing" that Hashem is running EVERYTHING in spite of my lack of seeing it, feeling it, hearing it!!

No wisdom or philosophy is needed for this type of Emunah. It works even in the deepest depths of every kind of golus and even during the darkest times!

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This Shabbos, when the Y"H was trying to get me, I davened to Hashem and told him that he (the YH) is stronger then me and that I realized many times that I can't win over him, so He should please remove him from me so that I can stay pure. It was wonderful. Hashem listened to my prayers every time! And it wasn't even hard, cuz it wasn't ME struggling. I guess this is what it means to "let go and let g-d". I didn't come out all battered and bruised from battle, since I didn't fight. It was a wonderful feeling.

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I had a moment of "LET GO AND LET G-D" clarity yesterday that I want to share. It's one of those moments when the whole blackness of the night gets lit up for a few seconds - as if by lightning. 

Most times I feel that all the knowledge and understanding that I have regarding bitachon (reliance on G-d) and emunah (faith) is just that; knowledge - but without really "feeling" it in my heart. Can I "talk the talk"? Sure, like the biggest of Tzadikim! But when it comes time to actually "walking the walk".....

Well, yesterday I was feeling the weight of the whole entire world on my shoulders when all of a sudden I felt like lightning flashed before me and I hit my forehead with my hand and said to myself: "Wait a minute here Nurah - you little shnook! Your body, with all its zillions of details is working just fine all these years - may the Almighty continue to watch over all of us  - and that is without too much input from you. So why do you think that the Almighty needs your help now to BALANCE THE CHECKBOOK?!!" 

Yes, He Who gives life - gives Sustenance!

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Along the lines of what "Nura" just wrote, I once heard a beautiful vort. The Pasuk says: "Asapra el chok, Hashem amar elai, b'ni ata, ani hayom yeliditicha". We can translate the Pasuk as follows: "Asapra el chok - when I talk about Parnasa" (chok is a lashon of parnasa) and I wonder what will be, "Hashem amar elai - Hashem says to me", "B'ni ata - you are my son", "ani hayom yeliditicha? - did I just give birth to you today??" 

In other words, "how did you manage until today? Well, in the very same way I will care for you now as well!"

What Mode Am I In Now?

In a discussion on our forum about our "Yetzer Hara" vis-à-vis our wives, Dov responded with something so beautiful that I must share it with you all today. (Dov is sober in SA for 11 years, click here to read his story). Please take the time to read it slowly and try to internalize what he is saying because it is truly profound.Dov writes:

The big issue in my case (which at least partially covers your marriage concern as well) is that I try to always ask myself:"what 'mode' am I in now, Giving or Getting?"

Without even getting into the issue of what is "good" or "bad", or even what is "nice" or "better" - just for us to know the real truth about ourselves, it really works wonders to be aware of it.

Rav Dessler brings the following idea in Kuntres Hachesed, but I write it here be"H from a (12-Step) program perspective. Please tell me if the following makes sense to you...

If I am truly and primarily concerned about what I am giving to all the people in the world, to the people on the street (that I'm walking down), to the folks in my workplace, to my family, to my wife... well, then a lot of things are gonna be OK. Like how people look (beautiful or otherwise), what they are giving me, and how they make me feel. 

For example - if I find myself gazing, I quickly ask myself, "Hey! What good am I doing for that person in the street I am staring at? I'd better daven for them instead, Hashem certainly has some kind of purpose and/or plan for them - even if they are a goy, no? I'm sure they need something! (and it's surely not: my ogling at them!)"...

Are my kids making me feel proud and secure as a parent with their behavior or are they 'driving me nuts'? "Hey! What does how they make me feel have to do with what I can give to them? Better I should look at how I can be useful to them, especially given my proclivities to anger or insecurity. 

Now I am getting somewhere...

Is my relationship with my wife fulfilling - or not so much... "Hey now, is that why she married me? And is that the only reason I married her? If she'd give me all the fancy stuff I desired (including the lust), would it satisfy me? And what would really happen then? 

I am not speaking out against satisfaction in every aspect of marriage, but I need to face this truth: Am I really looking for physical satisfaction, or do I really want for something else in her - like being truly deeply, fully and trustingly connected to another person in this short life - with no price tag either way - just because we are one? Yup, for me that is definitely it.

And the only way to "get" that, is by giving it all away for free to her, no?" After all, do we really expect anything less from our wives? 

You may be able to apply this idea in your marriage and think about how whatever you do or choose to communicate etc. with your wife, gives to/affects her.

If this was helpful to you, fantastic!! If not, nu... At least it reminded me of how precious my relationships really are to me, and maybe I'll smile just a bit more when I walk in the door tonight!

Love, 
Dov

Some Great Quotes From Our Forum

"Battleworn" wrote:

When the angels claimed that the Torah should be given to them and not us, Hashem answered "Do you have a Yetzer Hara?" R' Tvi Meir says that we learn from this, that the bigger your y"h is, the more you have a right to Hashems holy Torah!

"Bardichev" brought a great quote from Theodore Roosevelt:

"It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat."

Rabbi Nachman of Breslav writes (Sefer Ohr Letziyon):

Everyone must say the world was created for me (Sanhedrin 37). This shows that humility isn't that one should feel lowly and worthless, rather humility is knowing that all your attributes and accomplishments are a gift from Hashem. 

There's a contradiction, it says, "and he was haughty in the way of Hashem" and another posuk says, "Hashem despises everyone who is haughty". One answer is, that one has to be humble regarding his past deeds, but regarding the future one has to be arrogant thinking that he can accomplish the world. Unfortunately many people do the opposite, they are arrogant regarding their past and humble about their future!

The 42 Travels
 

A Beautiful Letter from "Yechidah" to everyone on our network

Dear brothers and sisters,

The Bal Shem Tov says that the 42 locations that Klal Yisroel went through in the desert correspond to 42 stages that a Yid must go through in life.

Every location we have to be in is with Hashgacha Pratis. It has to be that way. To emphasize this, Moishe Rabbeinu wrote all the travels and locations down. Moshe, the Anov, taught us that we too have to be Anavim, realizing that every place is Hashem's Place. And it was Hashem who wanted us to be there at that particular time.

"Why", a Yid asks, "was I at times, not even through my own doing, made to go into places of darkness; Harsh places, places where kind words are rare, where it is very difficult to find Yiraas Shomaim?" And then I leave the 4 walls of the Bais Midrash when I know that's what Hashem wants, but it's hard. It's hard because I end up in a Manhattan bound train, which is Hell on Earth; Cabins filled with men that are spiritually empty and women who look and act like prostitutes. I get encouraged by an old Yid learning in the corner, so I too stick my head in a sefer, fighting and fighting - sometimes a "losing battle" - to stay clean and good, to keep my mind and heart pure. I finally get to work at 9 AM, very often after having been subjected to nastiness and having heard many 4 letter words (that are not G-O-O-D).

Why is my neshomah full of struggles; a virtual roller coaster that is no fun at all; a nightmare while awake - to the point that my eyes fill up with tears because I have to go to work again Tomorrow. I am not lazy. I like the work. But the viciousness, the coldness, the emptiness, the politics, the hatred, the resentment, the complex maze of tests that this Yid has to go through, is very difficult for him to handle.

But the Bal Shem Tov teaches us that everything is with Hashgacha Pratis. The train, the work, or wherever you are and wherever you need to be - are all part of the 42 "Masaos" of life. Not always pleasant, but Hashem gives us pleasant places as well. The GuardYourEyes forum is one of those pleasant places. A place where one Yid gives chizuk to another Yid, who in turn gives chizuk to yet another Yid. A fallen Yid is picked up, and instead of going home to take a shower and rest, he tries to pick up another Yid that needs help. This place, my friends, is a Place of Refuge, of Ahavas Yisroel, of fighting the Yetzer Harah together.

And so when "Bardichev" or "Dov" or "Nurah" or "Battleworn" or anyone here on the forum is on one of their 42 Masaos in life, we are all rooting for them. Strange, it seems, not knowing who anyone is, and yet at the same time knowing them very very well, even more than people who see you and think they know you. 

And we are always davening that all you "unknown" people - with very known and special neshomos - are doing OK and more than OK.

The Heart of Klal Yisroel is One. When we realize this - and feel this way for real, Moshiach will be here. It's as simple as that.

An Anecdote
Sent to us by Rabbi Avraham Twerski

A man told me that he was at the airport, and he had his tallis and tefillin in his carry on. "I had to go to the men's room, so I left my carry on outside the men's room, because I didn't want to take my kedusha items in there. Then it occurred to me, that my neshama is kedusha, and if I don't take my tallis and tefillin into the bathroom, how can I take my holy neshama into an indecent place? Sure, I take my neshama into the bathroom because that's how G-d created me, so He wants me to do it. But he doesn't want me to take the holy neshama into the cesspool of the internet. Because the neshama is part of G-d Himself, it's the worst insult to G-d to take it into immoral places."

Return to Walmart
By "Ben-Moshe"

Your phone rings. It's your wife. "Can you stop off at Walmart to pick up some groceries?" "Sure." You take down the details, then draw a deep breath. Your delightfully clueless wife is sending you into the Gaza Strip, into Afghanistan, because Walmart on a hot and humid summer afternoon, will be full with unwanted stimuli and slippery distraction, not ben-Torah friendly, certainly not recovering ben-Torah friendly. However, you don't panic. You remind yourself that you know the drill, you have learned neat tricks, and have even learned to turn the tables to your advantage...

You are fortunately blessed with near-sightedness so, before you leave your car, you deliberately remove your glasses, then leave them in your car. You think back fondly to the first time you tried this. You remember the thrill you felt, as you trod those aisles, ten-feet tall, empowered by an enveloping haze which acted like a spiritual buffer. You had felt insulated and protected. You had felt holy, racking up points like a rapidly clacking Geiger counter. "Good work," you had said to yourself when you had completed your mission. You had given yourself a pat on your back.

This time you are even better prepared. You enter the store with your mp3-player nestled in your shirt pocket, earpieces comfortably in your ears. You head over to the canned vegetable aisle. Rabbi Reisman is giving a blatt shiur. A fascinating Ketzos. Is shavya naphsha a din in ne'emonus, or is it mita'am neder? You peer (shortsightedly) at the canned corn. Sixty-eight cents a can? A metzia. You take a half dozen cans. Kesubos is too heavy to focus on the moment, despite your insulating fog, so you switch to something a little lighter. You switch to Rabbi Yisroel Brog analyzing the Steipler's letters on how to guide people with OCD affecting their performance of Halacha. Geshmak! You drool over the hortatory smorgasbord at your fingertips. You give your player a surreptitious kiss, then return it to your pocket. You are now in the cereal aisle, but notice that Krispies have just been reformulated with an OU-D. Chalav Stam? You can't have that. That's metamtem es halev! Then you laugh at yourself: the foolish hypocrite that you are! Is there any part of your lev that is not metumtem? But you are thoroughly enjoying yourself. By the time you reach the checkout lane you have downed a Reb Simcha Bunim Cohen's Thursday night Chovas Halevovos shiur, and just begun a Kehilas HaGra shiur on copyright laws as applied to ripping CDs...

The magazines at checkout inform and inspire. The cover of one magazine tells you that Britney's ex says that Britney is cheating during rehab. You remove your ear-pieces. You now hear the store's music system. Synthesized Britney is belting out an important message. Britney says that she loves you. Just Britney and you. You feel romance in the air. Then, you think back to your forebears. Volozhin. Slabodka. In those days people had "manly" Yetzer Horas; Haskala. Socialism. Secular Zionism. You remember once reading how the Alter of Slabodka asked Reb Yaakov Kaminetsky to keep an eye on mail arriving for the young Reb Aaaron Kotler (zecher tzaddikim ukedoshim livracha). The Alter wanted to make sure that Reb Aaron's relatives would not prevail upon him with their alien ideas. You giggled as you tried to imagine the Alter keeping tabs on what Reb Aaron was downloading to his cell phone. Oy! What yeridas hadoros!

You arrive home. 

"Successful?" your wife asks. 

"Yes."

She appears to be excited. 

"Guess what," she says, "I have a new chicken recipe."

Bless her. The lovable, delightful, clueless fuzzball. She is blissfully unaware of the battles you have fought and the monsters you have slain. She proceeds to give you blow by blow details of her new idea for chicken and you smile at here warmly. But your mind is far away. There is something bothering you: How can shavya nafsha be a din in ne'emanus if ein odom mesim atzmo rosho?

I recently read a story about Rav Nosson, the Talmid of Rebbe Nachman. He was walking together with his students after a raging fire ravaged the town of Breslav. They passed by completely burned down houses, and in one of the houses, R' Nosson saw the owner of the house sifting through the ruins, trying to find or rescue some of his belongings. The fact that everything was burnt down didn't stop the owner from looking. R' Nosson turned to his students and said: "This is how we have to pick ourselves up after a fall" (looking for any good points that are still left).

I was walking home, somehow thinking about this story, and I lifted my eyes to the night sky and I said: "G-d, I don't see any good in me, zero. Don't tell me I'm a holy Jew, etc... I'm not gonna buy it right now. I fail everything I try. I want to love you, yet I am so far from Mitzvos, Torah, Midos - you name it, I don't have it.

I looked again into the sky, and then one thing came into my mind: "Maybe I helped someone on this forum". And I said to G-d: "Thank you HaShem, that is true. Maybe I helped somebody. Maybe that is the essence of being a Jew. I actually might have done something good that justifies my existence and that justifies that You created me and keep me alive".

To all my brothers and sisters out there: The Yetzer Hara sometimes makes us feel worthless and far from G-d, especially when we feel weak and vulnerable. But if we join together as a community and give each other strength; NOTHING - not even falls - can take away the precious chizuk that we offer one another. This is indeed something that will survive the raging fires of today's world.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Link of the Day

Listen to this 7 minute talk from the Lubavitcher Rebbe where he describes how a Jew, even in the midst of sin, is still connected with Hashem, and that no matter how low a Jew may fall, it only affects their outward appearance, but inside, every Jew is holy [at 5:10 it sounds as if the Lubavitcher Rebbe is crying, but I may be wrong].

1. I say a short Tefila before I leave the house that Hashem should help me with Shmiras Aynayim.

2. I am lucky to need glasses, so I remove them when I am walking in the street. 

3. I try to keep my eyes down, and when I see a female approaching I close both eyes - or at least the eye that is closest to her - until she passes (provided that I am not in the gutter). I found that I have no problem waking several steps with my eyes closed.

4. I learned in a wonderful sefer called Bakodesh Chazisicha by Rav Shaul Vidger, that says that even if you are trying to guard your eyes, the Satan deliberately pulls your eyes to where they shouldn't be. I therefore laugh it off and tell myself, "he's doing it again!".

5. I give myself chizuk after every time I pass a women without looking at her.

6. While I am walking in the street, I am quietly talking to Hashem (it is not noticeable to others). You can understand how it is much harder to sin against Hashem if you are in the middle of talking to him. If you have problems talking to Hashem, I recommend that you learn the sefer Bi'sdai Hayar by Rav Sholom Arush on Tefila and Hisbodidus. (He also has an awesome sefer called B'Gan Hasholom on Shalom Bayis which I recommend to everyone).

7. The last thing is, that even if I slip, I never get depressed since I know that this is a constant battle against the Yetzer Hara, and it is one of the reasons for my existence on this world. I once learned in the Tanya, that one who gets depressed because he can never eradicate his taivos is a Baal Gaiveh (haughty) because he thinks he is on the level of a Tzaddik. I also remember that my overall batting average is pretty good -- at least much better than it used to be.

Hashem should help you - and all of us, in this battle! Hashem gave us this website as a Rocket Propelled Grenade to help us blow away the Samach Mem :-)

(Parshas Ekev): "If you should say in your heart that the nations (read: Yetzer Hara) are much greater and stronger than us","EICHA UCHAL LEHORISHAM - how can we conquer them?". 

What does Hashem answer?
 

"Do not fear them, remember what Hashem your G-d did to Pharaoh and all of Mitzrayim.... that Hashem took you out with great wonders, etc... So Hashem will do to all the nations that you fear before them.... Do not fear them, for Hashem your G-d is within you, a great and awesome G-d!"

Yes, the Yetzer Hara is INDEED MUCH stronger than us, but he isn't stronger than HASHEM!! And Hashem is not asking us to conquer the Yetzer Hara. He knows that we can't do that alone. All he's asking is that we put our trust in HIM to conquer the Yetzer Hara for us. "Hashem your G-d is within you, a great and awesome G-d!"

A Paradigm Shift
By "Tomim"

If you're feeling down, vulnerable, weak or depressed, it's easy to begin to feel that the fight with the Yetzer Hara is just "not worth it"... But perhaps a "paradigm shift" in attitude can change everything. 

What's a "paradigm shift"? Stephen Covey (author of the best-selling "7 Habits of highly effective people") describes this with an actual incident on a NY subway where a father, with a number of unruly children, entered the subway and began to make an enormous ruckus. Covey, in his belief that children should be controlled by their parents, turned to the man and admonished him for permitting his children to disturb Covey and the other passengers. The man replied sadly that the children were returning from their mother's funeral and he did not have the heart to discipline their behavior, knowing they were acting out their grief. Covey immediately felt empathic and supportive of this man. Covey calls this a shift in the paradigm of seeing the situation from a different perspective.

In every situation, it is not the mere "happenings" that revoke our reactions, rather it is our perspective of the happening. Our job is to find meaning and perspective in wherever and whatever we find ourselves, and with this we have the ability to always rise above it.

When G-d is revealed, there is no test. Imagine G-d woke us up in the morning to serve him. Would we delay even for a moment? But specifically when he is concealed, that is when we prove to seek after him in this dark world - for the sole purpose of revealing his glory. Our lows, as much as they are tests, are really opportunities! They are opportunities that we received (that many others have not yet), because Hashem knows we can prove strong enough to succeed. While we all appreciate the "highs", when we overcome the test of the "lows", G-d reveals Himself to us in a greater way than before! 

(For a wonderful book on understanding life's tests, I would recommend reading "Life is a Test" by Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis).

Rabbi Twerski sent us the following article:

Ulysses

Sixty-five years ago, in high-school, I learned a powerful mussar lesson, but I did not realize it at the time.
 
Ulysses was a hero and traveler in Greek mythology. He heard of the "music of the sirens." This was music that was heard at a particular harbor, and it was so enchanting, so attractive, that it drew sailors to the shore. However, there were sharp, ragged reefs in the harbor, and the ships would crash into them and were destroyed. Sailors knew this, and passing by the harbor, they would see the wreckages of the ships that had been destroyed, but once they heard the music of the sirens, they were helpless and headed into the harbor to their own destruction.
 
Ulysses wanted to hear the fabled music of the sirens, but knew that this would be fatal. He, therefore, stuffed his sailors' ears with wax so that they could not hear any sounds, and he told them that they were to sail by the harbor and pay no attention to anything he said. He then had himself tied securely to the ship's mast so that he could not move.
 
As the sailors approached the harbor, Ulysses began hearing the music of the sirens. He began shouting to the sailors to head for shore, but of course, they could not hear him. He began screaming at them, "I am your captain! You must obey my orders!" As he heard the music of the sirens, he struggled to free himself from the ropes. "Head for the shore!" he shouted. "I will have you hung for mutiny!" But the sailors rowed on.
 
After they had passed the harbor and the music was no longer heard, Ulysses fainted from exhaustion. The sailors then untied him, and he realized how helpless he had been, and had he not rendered the sailors unable to hear, they would have all been destroyed.
 
Much later I realized that the "music of the sirens" is the yetzer hara. It can enchant a person and render one almost helpless to resist its temptation. Seeing the wreckage of the ships did not prevent sailors from rowing to their destruction.
 
One cocaine addict worked in a mortuary, and buried people who were killed by cocaine, but that did not stop his use, and he died from cocaine at age 33. Cocaine, music of the sirens, lust, the yetzer hara - they are all the same. 

There is no way we can "stuff our ears" to the "music of the sirens" that can be heard almost anywhere in our environment. The Talmud cites Hashem as saying, "I created the yetzer hara, and I created Torah as its antidote" (Kedushin 30b). It is our only defense. However, just holding on to Torah is not enough, just as Ulysses' holding on to the mast would not have been enough. We must tie ourselves so tightly to Torah that we can not break loose from it. This is why Moses repeatedly stressed, "But you who cling to Hashem-you are all alive today" (Devarim 4:4), "to Him you shallcleave," (ibid. 10:20) and "To love Hashem, to listen to His voice and to cleave to Him (ibid. 30:20). King David says, "I have clung to your testimonies (Tehilim 119:31). To cling and cleave means to be inseparably attached to Torah.
 
Learning Torah and doing mitzvos is of greatest importance, but does not yet result in the necessary fusion. The Talmud says that the single verse that the entire Torah depends on is "Know Hashem in all your ways" (Mishle 3:6, Berachos 63a). Cleaving and clinging is not accomplished by relating to Hashem just in Torah study and in performance of mitzvos, but in everything we do - eating, sleeping, transacting, socializing. The works of mussar tell us how we can accomplish this. It is this kind of observance of Torah that can save us from the destructive attractions of the yetzer hara.

When you pick up a fruit, think of what borei pri ha'etz means. Hashem designed a tree that would sprout from a tiny seed and produce succulent fruit, and feel gratitude to Hashem. When you say the beracha "poke'ach ivrim" think of the wondrous ability that Hashem instituted within protoplasm that it can have vision, and feel gratitude to Hashem. If we bring Hashem into all our activities, we are cleaving and clinging to Him, and when we tie ourselves securely to the mast, we can avoid the yetzer hara's "music of the sirens" that would pull us to our own destruction.