Guard Your Eyes

I've been thinking that the website is really loaded with great advice, but it would probably be helpful to some people to lay down the basic steps. So I'll try to start and I welcome your comments (on the forum).

1) Accept the situation as G-D given, regardless of how you got there. Don't feel bitter or frustrated. The disgusting filth that you find yourself in, is the fertile soil that the real "you" needs to grow from.

4) Establish that you will not give up no matter how many times you chas vesholom fall.

6) Stay away from bad places and from unrestricted internet as much as possible. Also keep busy.

Now it starts getting a bit more complicated... (webmaster's note: a competent therapist may be required for the following steps):

7) Figure out if the addiction is just a vicious cycle that feeds on itself (this can be the case even if it was originally started by something else), or, is there a different source of anxiety, depression or whatever, that is feeding it. If you can't figure it out by yourself, get help fast.

8) In the event that there is an outside cause, you need to know if it's just lack of fulfillment (or something similar) which you can tackle by yourself, or is it something deeper that you will need therapy for.

9) Make sure that any therapist that you go to, appreciates the gravity of the sin. It's not necessarily enough that he/she is "frum". (Webmaster's note: It's also not necessarily vital for the therapist to be "frum". Even a non-frum or non-Jewish sex addiction therapist can be made to understand that for "us", any form of sexual acting out or masturbation is a "no-no". They are generally trained to help you work with whatever guidelines you set, according to your standards of morality).

10) In any and every case, the main thing is to break the cycle and never give up.

11) Always beware that the vulgar, despicable, monstrous menuval will try every trick imaginable (and unimaginable).

12) If at all possible, add time and energy to davening and torah learning. Often, that can make the whole difference.

13) Make maximum use of the absolutely fantastic forum as well as the website, and subscribe to the email list.

Chizuk Piece 1:

I heard back then, I think in the name of R' Abramski zt'l, what I think might be the most important yesod in chizuk. He said that when a person is itching to say loshon horoh (it's easier to talk about that) and he holds back 1,2,3 times and then it just bursts out. He thinks "I blew it, I messed up, it was a waste of energy. But that's not the case at all. Because, (although he must do teshuva for the fall), for each "regah" that he overcame the urge, he will merit "Or haganuz sheain kul malach uberya yecholin leshaer" ("The hidden light of Hashem that no Malach or creation can fathom").

This idea was extremely relevant to me because the evil menuval would always say to me "you might as well give in now because you know that at the end I always win."

I read recently (in a sefer called "Holchay Nesivos", chailek sheini page 39) that someone once came to the "Steipler Gaon" to complain about this problem. So the Steipler asked him "Are there times that you're misgaber?" so he answered "usually I fail". So the Steipler asked again "And are there times that you're misgaber?" so he answered "Yes, but rarely" so the Steipler explained to him that the times that you fail are erasable, but every time you pass the test - it's a Kinyan that's yours to keep.

R' Hutner wrote to a talmid that complained to him that the rotten menuval was giving him a hard time. He discusses the pasuk "Sheva yipol tzadik vekum" and he explains that it's the falling (7 times) that makes the person in to a tzadik. It's a very powerful letter, and he ends off saying (based on Chaza"l in Biraishis that "tov meod" refers to the "yetzer harah") and he writes: "Had I received a letter from you saying that everything is great in your avodas hashem I would of said it was a good letter. Now that you wrote me what you did, I say it's a very good letter."

This was a great chizuk to me.

Dear Holy Brothers, Precious Yidden, great warriors,

Yesterday we read in the Haftoroh, "Shuva Yisroel ad Hashem Elokecha Ki Chashalta Baovonecha". The Gemarah points out that "avon" refers to sinning intentionally while "chashalta" (you stumbled) implies that it was unintentional. The message is, that once we've sinned, we're bound to keep stumbling. And the solution is, to return all the way till Hashem. Don't try to go half way, because it won't work. We don't need to turn off our passion, rather we need to turn it to Hashem.

The "Reishis Chochma" in shaar haahava tells this story. There was a Jewish man who got this crazy crush on the king's daughter. He managed to tell her that he wants her, so she answered that they'll meet in the cemetery. She meant that only when they're dead will he get anywhere near her, but he understood what he wanted to understand. So he went to the cemetery to wait for her and of course he waited and waited. Eventually he came to his senses, but then something interesting happened. He decided to take all that passion and desire that was welled up in him, and redirect it to Hashem. He became a very great tzadik and all his berochos would be fulfilled.

And then the Reishis Chochma says, that one who has never had desire for a woman, is like a donkey and even less than that. The powerful drive that we have is not a "problem" that needs to be cured. We were given it for a purpose, it just needs to be redirected. If we use it in the right way, the wicked menuval won't even be able to get near us. If we learn to experience spiritual pleasure, the despicable menuval has no chance of enticing us with his garbage. When we have an intimate relationship with Hashem, we don't get depressed, anxious, bored or unfulfilled etc. (Of course the war is never over, and he will do anything he can to get you out of that position of being close to Hashem).

Now is the time, "Dirshu Hashem bihemutzo" is referring to the Aseres Yimei Teshuva, grab the opportunity. Perhaps find a dynamic rebbe or at least a sefer that can change your life (they most definitely exist). You will be shocked when you see what a great person you can become.

This is what Hashem is waiting for, and this is the greatest Nachas Ruach for Him: To go from the lowest of the low to the highest of the high. And I believe we can all do it.

The pasuk says (I forgot where)"Letaava yevakesh nifrad". Bing isolated actually causes one to go after his taavah. That's what's so powerful about this forum. I've come to understand that we are the "special forces" that were sent to fight the loathsome, wicked menuval behind the enemy lines. And everyone is depending on us. We were entrusted with a tremendous responsibility!

The Tanya in perek 29 explains the idea of yelling at the despicable, disgusting menuval. He says (if I remember correctly) that really the menuval doesn't have much of his own existence but he makes himself really big. When you give him a good yelling at and really put him in his place, he shrinks back to his real size. The Baal Hatanya brings a proof from the story of the meraglim. You should see it if you could, it's very interesting. By the way, although it's been a few years, I remember that when I was learning that sefer it helped me alot in fighting the cruel, evil menuval. And honestly, I don't think anyone can imagine how much I hate him. And that's also how much I love all you guys that are busting his brains out.

The Chofetz Chaim (in quite a few places) quotes the Gra that brings a midrash stating that for each and every single "regah" that a person controls his mouth (when a piece of lashon haroh is just bursting out) he merits a reward that no person or malach can fathom. Clearly this is no different. How much is a regah? The gemara in Berochos says it's a lot less than a second. But let's just count seconds... And for each one you are going to get an unfathomable reward. And on top of all that, your such a tremendous chizuk to all of us, which is a huge zechus in itself.

Speak to Hashem often in a personal way, tell Him how you feel. Tell Him that you're doing all this for Him. Ask Him to remove the distance caused by the sins. Ask Him to actualize GUE's beautiful words and that all your desire should be redirected to Hashem. Try to take all that pent up energy and use it to pour your heart out to Hashem.

I beg you to take full advantage of the tremendous gift that Hashem has given you in bringing you to this forum. Nowhere in the world will you find people that love you, care about you and understand you, as much as here. Read everything and keep us posted on your struggles, successes and any questions. We're with you and as mevakesh says together we'll prevail.

I have to speak my heart. In addition to my battling the despicable disgusting menuval, I've been having a lot of pain in my life in general. Whenever I come to the forum and see the wonderful stuff going on here, it gives me chizuk in a way that nothing else can. But this post of yours was just something else. There is no way to describe the feeling of hope and chiyus it gave me. I can't thank you-and GUE- enough.

The fact that you are struggling is not a chidush (it's nothing new). But the fact the you're waging war against such a powerful force, now that's a chidush. And that you haven't given up even though you're feeling weak, that's a huge chidush. The midrash says (shir hashirim 7, 1) that those who stand up and prevail over the despicable menuval, the whole generation depends on them.

When someone overcomes the sex-drive it is considered (for obvious reasons) "lemaala miderech hateva" - supernatural, and in turn Hashem does supernatural things for him. If you take the passion and turn it towards Hashem (who is really deep down the source of the desire) you can experience immense spiritual pleasure and develop an intimate relationship with Hashem.

Tell Hashem "I've made the connection (on the forum and chizuk list) and I vow to hold on to it". And that's all He needs to hear, that you're doing what you could. Last year I felt I couldn't even make a resolution to change. Then in middle of Yom Kippur, I finally decided that I can resolve to work on simcha. Because I knew that that's the key. During the next few months I actually got quite depressed, and of course that brought some serious falling. But lemaaseh it was then (R'H and Y'M) that it was decreed in heaven that this year I will be zocheh to one of the greatest gifts: This terrific forum.

First of all I need to tell you that you made my Rosh Hashana. The threads on this forum gave me the hope and opened my heart to be able to daven with kavana and to cry to Hashem.

The first night I was sitting by the seuda and I started singing "Haben yakir lee efraim". I began to think about MW. The meanest-of-mean, sadistic, wicked menuval has been battering this holy precious yid for years, without the slightest hint of a shadow of mercy. MW, for his part, tried again and again to break free, with seemingly no success. And after all that, he hasn't given up. He comes to the forum to ask for help, and look what response he gets from more holy precious yidden. I thought to myself "Well of course Hashem loves us so much". And I started crying in front of my wife and kids, who had no idea at all what I was thinking.

Then I sang "Hayom haras olam" and I started crying again. In my heart I was saying to Hashem "The way Your precious children don't give up, they most definitely deserve to be treated as children -Rachamainu kerachem av al banim"

Curiosity is a killer (not just for cats). But you should realize that just like the vicious, malicious menuval uses curiosity against you, you're entitled to use "keeping busy" against him. Perhaps you should set yourself a goal of learning a certain amount by Simchas Torah. And how about finishing Tehilim-with tears! And this forum is also a terrific way to keep busy. But, for me, the long term solution to curiosity is to use the trait for what it was created for. Moshe Rabainu was zoche to his special connection with Hashem, because-as the pasuk says- "Vayaar Hashem ki sar liros". If you search for Hashem you won't need to search for filth.

R' Itzele Peterburger (Kochvei Ohr, near the beginning) says that Zikui Harabim is the only mitzva that a person doesn't have to worry about using up his sechar in this world. As it says "Umatzdikei harabim kikochavim laad". The reason is that just like yesurim can't be mechaper on chilul hashem-which is causing others to sin, all the more so (midah tovah meruba) no amount of sechar in this world can pay for zikui harabim.

What guardUrEyes has done here, in addition to the regular zikui harabim, he's helped others do zikui harabim. And he gave us the tremendous opportunity to turn our sins in to merits by using our experiences to help others. WHAT GREATER ZIKUI HARABIM COULD THERE BE!!!

The "Beer Mayim Chayim" says that, in the army when they would want to test a great soldier to see if he's fit to be a general, they would put him on a wild horse that it's impossible to not be thrown off from. The whole test was to see how fast he can get back up after he was brutally thrown down and wounded. That, he says, is the way Hashem tests His "Special Force" soldiers.

So each time you fall you learn anew how the rotten, sadistic menuval got you this time. And then you can work on a plan to avoid that happening again. (Perhaps learning a good sefer on Bitachon.)

We know that Yosef Hatzadik is called "Hatzadik" for all generations to come, because he resisted the persistent temptation of Potifar's wife. But the Gemara in Sanhedrin (19b) says that Yosef's show of strength was small compared to Boaz's. And Boaz's was small compared to Palti Ben Layish. Because Palti had the nisayon within reach constantly. The nisayonos of many of the people struggling on this forum are at least comparable to Palti Ben Layish's, if not harder (since it's all within reach and in private). And this is the mission that Hashem has seen fit to choose you, me and all the others for. We were entrusted with a very sensitive and dangerous mission. And Hashem in His infinite wisdom knows that we are the right candidates for this mission. SO CHAZAK VEEMATZ!!!! jack, MW, niceguy, AND EVERYONE ELSE!!! daven your heart out, and fight with all your strength. And just like the dirty, disgusting, disgraceful menuval uses everything he could to get you, you need to use everything you could to fight back.