1051. |
Monday ~ 2 Tamuz,
5771 ~ July 4, 2011
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In Today's Issue
-
Sayings:
A Life Without Burdens
-
Torah Thoughts:
What Causes Hashem to Leave?
-
The Mask in the
Mirror: Excerpt 10 - Going to Any Length,
Part 1
- Daily Dose of Dov:
Give it Away to
Get it Back
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Category: Sayings
A Life Without Burdens
By Dov
"A
sober life is a life without burdens. Cuz lust is always
a drag and always makes us miserable, no
matter how much we feel we need it." |
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Category: Torah Thoughts
What causes Hashem to Leave?
A member of the GYE community was very inspired
after hearing a speech that attributed much of Klal
Yisrael's Tzaros to breaches in Tzniyus and Kedusha,
and which urged everyone to work on improving in
these areas (chizuk e-mail #1049). He sent the
speech to a family member, who posed the following
question: There are 613 Mitzvos. Who are we to say
that breaches of Tzniyus/Kedusha are what is causing
all the Tzaros in Klal Yisrael? How are we to know
the ways of Hashem with such certainty?
The GYE member responded as follows:
This is more than just guesswork. The Torah
sometimes tells us specifically that certain Aveiros
produce certain results. In such cases, there is
nothing wrong with assuming that the Torah means
precisely what it says. Unlike most other Aveiros,
Arayos is called a Tumah, which means that it
separates us from the Ribbono Shel Olam (on that
point, please listen to this
speech by
Rav Aharon Feldman - from 3:05-4:02). When we're,
R"L, separated from the RBS"O, we don't have His
protection. That means that, lo aleinu, we're more
susceptible to illness and to other terrible Tzaros. See
also Devarim
23, 15, which makes this precise point: that if
Ervah can be seen among us, Hashem will turn away
from us. Thus, the speaker did not say anything that
is not firmly grounded in the Torah. Listen also to
this 20 second audio clip from
Rav Yosef Viener, Rav of Kehillas Shaar Shamayim,
Monsey.
Does this mean that every Tzara in Klal Yisrael is
caused by breaches in Tzniyus and Kedusha? There's
no need to go that far. But, it's clear that an
Aveira that drives away the Shechinah can rightfully
be blamed for much of
the Tzaros of our People. (On a Kabbalistic level as
well, Kedusha from Arayos, including a man's
"personal holiness," is called Yesod, because it is
the foundation of a person's spirituality. If a
building's foundation is weak, it can collapse, even
if the rest of the structure is strong. Accordingly,
Tzniyus/Kedusha is not just one of the 613 Mitzvos,
but is the foundation of the entire Torah).
This is not to say that other Mitzvos are
unimportant, but that observance of Mitzvos related
to Kedusha and Tzniyus are essential to keeping the
Shechina in our midst, which will, b'Ezras Hashem,
protect Klal Yisrael from all types of Tzaros.
This discussion should be a Zechus for Shalom
Daniel ben Leah, B'soch She'ar
Cholei Yisrael.
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The
Mask in the Mirror
Excerpt 10
Here's an excerpt
from an e-Book written by Elya K. called "The Mask
in the Mirror". Elya is a U.S. Hotline Moderator,
Sponsor and
Group Leader for GYE for already 3 years. To
purchase the e-Book from Elya for $3
click here.
GOING TO ANY
LENGTH (WILLINGNESS)
Part 1
Dear Fellow Jew,
You now have an allergy to porn. If you had a
peanut allergy and you knew if you ate another
peanut you would die, would you eat another peanut?
I know people who have killed themselves over this
disease, been put in jail, and contracted all types
of horrible diseases. This is a progressive
disease. Once the images are no longer exciting
enough, people go on to more dangerous; thrill
seeking activities like participating with live
people instead of simply looking. If you don't
stop now, you're headed for hell on earth.
(One addict once wrote on the forum:
"I almost died
twice (maybe three times) while actively on the way
to acting out. I have fallen totally asleep at the
wheel due to late night 'cruising', completely lost
control of my car on a wet road while on the way to
acting out, and have found myself in the company of
a person who was probably trying to kill me.")
Marriage will not solve this. So many singles I
speak to tell me they thought it would get better
and they wouldn't need it anymore, but they only got
worse.
You asked me for strong words. If you're asking for
advice, THROW AWAY THE IPOD or erase it and give it
to someone else. I know it is hard. I knew a
fellow who looked at X-rated movies for over 30
years. The day he stopped, he called me on the phone
crying like a baby. He told me the people on the
screen were his "friends" and he couldn't leave
them. IS THAT CRAZY OR WHAT? But he was still in
his addiction and couldn't think straight. Today
he's sober for 3 years, thank G-d.
If you want Hashem to help you and only HE can you
must become a pure vessel which can accept HIS
help. If you're stuck in the mud, HE won't pull you
out; you have to make the effort. Throwing it out
NOW is the effort, then your mind will clear up,
you'll get back to your learning and Hashem will
help you.
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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story
here.
Give it Away to Get it Back
The Gemara in Brachos brings a contradiction between
two p'sukim: one says everything is
Hashem's, the other says the earth
is given to mankind. Nu?
As you probably know,
it answers: It all belongs to Hashem - until we make
a b'racha. Once we say a b'racha, it is given to us.
"v'ho'oretz nosan livnei odom" - it is ours!
I ask you: What was
said in that b'racha that gave all this stuff to us?
What is the power of the bracha that makes the
switch?
It seems to me that
all we say in a brocha is this: It's Yours, not
mine. You made this fruit - Konei Shomayim vo'oretz
- You made it, so it belongs to
you.
That is why the
brocha gives it to us. We remember that it is His,
not ours. So we 'get' it. Do we ever really get it?
Of course not. We are His, the food we eat is His,
etc. But that is the way things work: if we give it
away, we get it - as much as a person can ever get anything in
this world...to use it on loan.
That is why the
program suggests we need to give up to 'win'; lead
with our weaknesses to stay 'strong'; and 'let go'
to get free.
And I believe it is one meaning (closest to the
Chofetz Chayim's p'shat in it) of the Chazal, "ein
divrei Torah miskaymin ella b'mi sh'meimis es
atzmo aleyhem" - the only way to get Hashem and
succeed in His Torah is to totally let go of our
grasp on ourselves - our pride, fears,
resentments...all that baggage we hold onto so
tightly.
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1052. |
Tuesday ~ 3 Tamuz,
5771 ~ July 5, 2011
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In Today's Issue
-
Announcement:
Rabbi Shais Taub Joining Us Tomorrow on DC's Call
-
12-Step Attitude:
Gratitude is a State of Being
-
Testimonials,
Torah Thoughts:
Which pleasure do you choose?
-
The Mask in the
Mirror: Excerpt 11 - Going to Any Length,
Part 2
- Daily Dose of Dov:
Working the Steps
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Announcement
Rabbi Shais Taub on Duvid Chaim's Call Tomorrow
Wednesday, July 6, 12 PM Noon EST
Call in number: 760-569-6000
Participant Pin: 121318
As almost all of the chevra on Duvid Chaim's calls are
Torah Yidden, we have over the years often struggled
with understanding where and how the 12 Steps are rooted
in Torah Hashkafah and can be found specifically in
Chazal. Rabbi Shais Taub has masterfully woven such
ideas in his book, "G-d of Our Understanding", which can
be purchased at
this link.
It is an honor and privilege to have Rabbi Shais Taub as
a guest speaker on Duvid Chaim's call this Wednesday,
where he will give us chizuk and share his perspective
with us.
Some
background:
Duvid
Chaim leads an anonymous 12-Step SA Phone Conference,
under the auspices of GuardYourEyes.com (see
this page for more info). It is an in-depth Big
Book study session 4 days per week. We have 3 parallel
calls per day: Steve leads a morning call at 8:30, Duvid
Chaim leads the original call from noon-1pm, and there's
one in the evenings from 10:20pm-11:15pm lead by Shlomo.
The 3 calls try to keep up the same pace with each
other's reading through the text, so that if a member
misses his regular call, he can pick up what he missed
on another one. We currently have over 45 men currently
on the daily calls (about 50/50 veterans to "newbies").
Our 'alumni" list has over 100 more. B"H, the calls have
been very successful for many GYE members!
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Category: 12-Step Attitude
Gratitude is a State of Being
Click here for a beautiful page about
"Gratitude"
(that Duvid Chaim shared with
his group recently).
An "Attitude of Gratitude" is one of the fundamental
strategies for maintaining sobriety for the
long-term, and it is one of the secrets of the
success of the 12-Step program.
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Category: Testimonials, Torah Thoughts
Which pleasure do you choose?
By "Blind Beggar"
This is the second time in my life that I have gone
100 days without HZ"L.
The first time was before I came to GYE, when I read
a sefer, "Veha'er Einaeinu" by Rabbi Yosef
Goldschmit of Kiryat Sefer. The main point of his
sefer is based on something that Rav Chaim
Friedlander zatzal wrote.
Rabbi Chaim Freidlander zatzal wrote a great eitza
for guarding our eyes. (Look in Sifsei Chaim on
Moados, Chelek Alef in the section Derech Shel Aliya.)
He says that if we give ourselves the choice of
either enjoying the pleasure of looking at women or
not giving ourselves the pleasure, we are in for a
struggle: Enjoy or don't enjoy? A plate of ice cream
or an empty plate? Instead, what we have to do is
realize the positive benefits of guarding our eyes,
the tremendous zechus and kedusha that we can gain
from shmiras eynayim. If we do that, now we have a
choice between one pleasure and another pleasure,
between a plate of delicious treife ice cream which
will eventually make us sick, or a geshmake seudas
Shabbos with our families. That is a much easier
choice to make.
I posted this in
a special thread in the forum's
Beis Medrash, and I encourage others to buy the
sefer and join me in posting highlights in this
thread.
Notes:
The sefer "Vhaer Eineinu" is distributed by some
friends of the mechaber. In N.J call: 732-363-8033.
In Brooklyn, call: 718-252-7480.
Our
daily Shmiras Ainayim phone conference makes
extensive use of the sefer "Vhaer Eineinu". Join the
daily Shmiras Ainayim Phone Conference at 4:45,
Mon-Thurs. Call in: (209) 647-1000, Participant PIN:
616701
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The
Mask in the Mirror
Excerpt 11
Here's an excerpt
from an e-Book written by Elya K. called "The Mask
in the Mirror". Elya is a U.S. Hotline Moderator,
Sponsor and
Group Leader for GYE for already 3 years. To
purchase the e-Book from Elya for $3
click here.
GOING TO ANY
LENGTH (WILLINGNESS)
Part 2
"I'm so frum; I can't go to 12-Step meetings
in a church....."
I know frum people who have been going to meetings
in churches for over 10 years. They are still frum,
and the people at the meetings actually respect them
more as a frum Jew for wearing a kippa than when
they don't wear a kippa. Rabbi Abraham Twersky, M.D.
says you can - and should - attend even in
a church. Rav Shmuel Kaminetsky also paskens that
one may join 12-Step meetings in a church, as long
as it isn't in the main sanctuary.
Let me get this straight, it's OK to be seen going
into a strip club or XXX video store or masturbating
at your computer, but now when you want to get
better you can't go into a church? The meetings
will literally save your life. It's pikuach nefesh.
It's also your "inner addict" speaking, telling you
that you're too frum to go into a meeting. The
meetings are not in the sanctuary of the church,
they're usually in a side classroom.
Twice a year there is a convention of frum Jews and
their wives. They all have this problem. All of
them go to SA meetings. They all once said the same
thing you did. "I could never show my face in
such a place." These people COULD show their
faces in strip joints, xxx video stores and in the
arms of strange women, but when it came to getting
better, they were just too frum to go to a meeting
that would save their life! Now they realize the
fallacy of that thinking. Today many of them have
3-4-10-20 years of sobriety from this disease
because of meetings and having someone who
understands to talk to. It's that simple.
Hashem put you in this situation because that is
your nisoyon (test) to overcome. HE never gives us
a challenge we cannot overcome. But the more you
continue acting-out, the further away from G-d you
get and the further away from YOURSELF you get.
See, when we sin, we are really sinning against
ourselves.
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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story
here.
Working the Steps
Is listening in and even participating in 12-step
groups called 'working the steps'? I think not. A
good mussar schmooze, maybe. A chizzuk, maybe.
If you water a field
full of weeds very well...you'll get a ton of weeds!
There needs to be a thorough and repetitive weeding
process if you want the 'water' to help good stuff
grow. And you need to plant the right kind of seeds,
too.
Meetings and reading
help plant the right seeds, maybe they do a bit of
weeding, too. But the main cleaning process is done
by working the
steps. And that can't be done by just going to a
meeting, on the phone, in person, or whatever.
Until an addict
actually writes his
step-work and shares it
with other addicts who are ahead of him in the steps
(and sober) and starts to use them
in his real life, he is like a person who wants
desperately to learn how to drive. He reads the
books about driving and watches a movie about
driving. Then he gets into a car and figures he'll
drive to his aunt in NY.... He will probably
die....and he
certainly won't
get to NY.
The steps are the
same. Working them cannot be done in the sincere imagination.
Additionally, we can't take a break from real life
'to work them', either. They are only worked inside our
real life with all its problems, worries, pains, and
joys.
If you are an addict
and anything like me, you probably do not need yet another really
great mussar schmooze. You probably need some small
changes, over time. Some patient, humble, real live
work.
By all means do the
phone groups, join the meetings. But I say, don't
expect any change until you start to actually
work the steps and stick with it for a
while...and stay sober. Sobriety
makes the steps actually work.
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1053. |
Wednesday ~ 4 Tamuz,
5771 ~ July 6, 2011
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In Today's Issue
-
Announcement:
Rabbi Shais Taub Joining Us Today on DC's Call
-
GYE News:
Let's Paint the Town Red!
-
Personal
Victories, Member's Chizuk:
My Chaver, Tatte & Coach
-
The Mask in the
Mirror: Excerpt 12 - True Happiness
- Daily Dose of Dov:
My Business vs.
His Business
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Announcement
Rabbi Shais Taub on Duvid Chaim's Call TODAY
Wednesday, July 6, 12 PM Noon EST
Call in number: 760-569-6000
Participant Pin: 121318
Even those who are not on Duvid Chaim's call are
invited!
As Torah Yidden, we have over the years often struggled
with understanding where and how the 12 Steps are rooted
in Torah Hashkafah and can be found specifically in
Chazal. Rabbi Shais Taub has masterfully woven such
ideas in his book, "G-d of Our Understanding", which can
be purchased at
this link.
It is an honor and privilege to have Rabbi Shais Taub as
a guest speaker on Duvid Chaim's call today, where he
will give us chizuk and share his perspective with us.
Some
background:
Duvid
Chaim leads an anonymous 12-Step SA Phone Conference,
under the auspices of GuardYourEyes.com (see
this page for more info). It is an in-depth Big
Book study session 4 days per week. We have 3 parallel
calls per day: Steve leads a morning call at 8:30, Duvid
Chaim leads the original call from noon-1pm, and there's
one in the evenings from 10:20pm-11:15pm lead by Shlomo.
The 3 calls try to keep up the same pace with each
other's reading through the text, so that if a member
misses his regular call, he can pick up what he missed
on another one. We currently have over 45 men currently
on the daily calls (about 50/50 veterans to "newbies").
Our 'alumni" list has over 100 more. B"H, the calls have
been very successful for many GYE members!
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Let's Paint the Town Red!
"wannabehappy" posted on the forum:
I just want to share with everyone some statistics.
After Yeshiva World offered us a great deal (based
on
this letter that Rabbi Twerski wrote to Jewish
websites), I pledged
$225 a month to run the current GYE ad on
www.theyeshivaworld.com indefinitely.
Guard thanked me and sent me
the following screenshot.
I was blown away! We are getting over 150 hits a day
just from that one ad alone. That comes out to over
10 hits for less than a dollar!
Who knows how many lives are being saved for every
dollar?
I'd like to see this
happen on more sites.
All we need is a
budget of about $1000 dollars/month to really cover
all the major Jewish websites. (GYE is sending
Rabbi Twerski's letter to the websites to try
and get the best deals we can - you can help with
this too!)
Can anybody match my
$225/month? Let's paint the town red!
Or maybe we can get 8
holy members to donate $100 a month?
I know I feel tremendous gratitude towards this
site, and I feel that giving to it reinforces in my
mind how important it is to me to get rid of this
sickness. I'm sure everyone here agrees!
You can
PM me on the forum or
write to Guard, or you can work out a deal with
the site of your choice directly.
And remember, every
dollar you pledge is over 10 hits!
Tizku lemitzvot!
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Category: Personal Victories, Member's Chizuk
My Chaver, Tatte & Coach
A share from Yosef C. who is sober in SA for
nearly 7 years
When I am faced with a big test, I see it as a
personal smile from G-d Himself telling me face to
face with love, "I KNOW you have a yetzer hara, and
I also know that YOU, YES YOU and ONLY YOU, can
overcome it. This is something that all of heaven
and any angel doesn't have the ability to do!"
I rejoice inside at
such a close relationship with Hashem. A smile
appears then, as I see my children next to me in my
mind, and they view me caring for them, as I
simultaneously see (for real) Hashem caring for me.
I, as well as them, am 'alive' as a yid!
Hashem as a 'chaver/Tatte/coach
smiles back to me as if saying....
"We're making a great
life full of energy together! You've got plenty of
teammates and a coach/Tatte who loves you and knows
what a star player you are! Let's win this game! I'm
taking full care of you, all the time!"
And when I feel this,
I REALLY have to prove I want to be good... Hashem
just doesn't let up wanting to get love from me :)
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The
Mask in the Mirror
Excerpt 12
Here's an excerpt
from an e-Book written by Elya K. called "The Mask
in the Mirror". Elya is a U.S. Hotline Moderator,
Sponsor and
Group Leader for GYE for already 3 years. To
purchase the e-Book from Elya for $3
click here.
True Happiness
True happiness comes when we become givers not
takers, when we give of ourselves to help others,
INCLUDING OUR WIVES. Linking happiness to fulfilling
every life pleasure is more like bondage to self.
The pleasure doesn't last. Take 'vacation' for
example. You have a great time exhausting yourself
on vacation looking at museums, beaches, grave
sites, etc. When you get home though, it is just
another memory. True happiness is spiritual
happiness knowing you've helped someone overcome
depression, sadness, addiction, anxiety, etc.,
knowing you've made a difference in the world and in
someone's life. Yes, happiness is limiting yourself
and your ego to help others. PERIOD.
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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story
here.
My Business vs. His Business
I haven't the luxury of being concerned at all with
the afterlife, as I certainly never got sober because
of yiras Shomayim, and - though the weight of guilt
was devastating - it didn't hold a candle to my
insanity. Though I certainly believe in
consequences for aveiros, the fear of future pain of
this world or of the next - never helped me quit. In
my opinion, that is one of the things that shows me
that I have a mental illness. It's plum crazy to
risk a nice job, a marriage, my integrity, my
relationships with my children, and my
Olam Haba for a temporary adventure that always
makes me thoroughly miserable.
While I may have
hesitated or even desisted from doing a
few lust-related aveiros a few dozen times over
those terrible years - that has nothing at all to do
with my sobriety.
Acting out only 10% of the times I want to
is still going
to eventually ruin my life - totally. Eventually
there will be nothing left...except for that lovely s'char for
resisting 90% of the time.... Woopee.
That is not avodas
Hashem, as far as I am concerned.
And sobriety
certainly has nothing to do with willpower, for when
it comes to lust I have none. Although I am sober
over 14 years, I have not gotten any stronger.
It was a
freebie from Hashem; it is a
freebie, and - if I remain sober tomorrow - it will be
a freebie. I do not deserve to be sober.
So if He gives me no
s'char at
all for
desisting from acting out for 60 years or so by the
time I die, I will have no complaints. For it
wasn't mine, at all. Besides being a good man, a
decent father and husband, and an eved Hashem, I am
a recovering pervert, as my wife and many friends in
SA know, and I hope to die a
recovering pervert. And that is just the way I like
it.
What madreigah I am
considered to be on by my Best Eternal Friend,
whether I am looking forward to s'char, or onesh,
and all other considerations that I am powerless
over are out of my lexicon, thank-G-d. That's all
His business now, and forever, not mine. All that
stuff is just too confusing and self-absorbing for
me and never did me a shred of good in the first
place. It is all poison for me. Poison, poison,
poison. And I sincerely believe that He wants me to
ignore the 'accounting' part of my situation
completely and leave it to Him, especially with
respect to my lust.
What is my
business, is what I do with
the sober life that He gives me today, and whether I
treasure it.
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1054. |
Thursday ~ 5 Tamuz,
5771 ~ July 7, 2011
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In Today's Issue
-
Announcement:
Need Help With GYE in Hebrew
-
Announcement 2:
Looking for a Big Zechus?
-
Practical Tips:
Shifting the Desire
-
The Mask in the
Mirror: Excerpt 13 - Dear Jew...
- Daily Dose of Dov:
Hashem As
Superman?
-
GYE News:
Let's Paint the Town Red!
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Announcement
Need Help With GYE in Hebrew
GYE will be launching soon a "thin" version of our
Hebrew website at
guardyoureyes.com/heb, which we will continue to
develop in the next few months until it reaches
"maturity".
We will be advertising the new Hebrew site in a couple
of weeks, and we expect a serious amount of Israeli
newcomers.
We need your help.
We are looking for the following help:
1. Someone to lead a Duvid-Chaim-like phone conference
for Israeli's in Hebrew.
2. Someone to administer/moderate the Hebrew Forum.
3. Someone who can spend some time giving chizuk to
newcomers on the Hebrew Forum.
4. Someone who can translate older chizuk e-mails into
Hebrew.
If you feel you are able and willing to do any of these,
please
let us know.
Helping others is the best way to deepen our recovery!
Thank you and Tizku Lemitzvos!
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Announcement 2
Looking For Big Zechus?
As a
result of the article yesterday called "Let's Paint the
Town Red" (see bottom for a repeat), someone asked us
how much an ad campaign would cost on Arutz 7. I sent
them Rabbi Twerski's letter and spoke with them by
phone. They love what we're doing and they are willing
to give us 50% off of regular advertising rates. For
$250/month (instead of $500) they offered to do a nice
campaign for us.
Our sponsor said he'd be willing to donate $125/month
for the year - if we find one more partner.
Who wants this
tremendous zechus of saving lives?
Contact us today! Tizke Lemitzvos.
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Category: Practical Tips
Shifting the Desire
Jack, who is sober for 3 years on GYE, shares:
I have a NEW trick. It doesn't work ALL the time,
but at least it's something. Triggers make us want
to do something, right? So, every time I'm
triggered, I gently shift the desire from lust to
learning a Mishna from the Mishnayos that lies on my
desk. For that moment, it works. And once we're off
the track of desire, it's help it to stay off.
B"H I feel so much more connected to THE source of
ALL Happiness than before. My learning has tripled
in both quantity and quality.
We responded:
This is a great idea, Jack, because after a while,
the Yetzer Hara will leave you alone. After all, he
doesn't want you learning Mishnayos each time he
bothers you! :-)
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The
Mask in the Mirror
Excerpt 13
Here's an excerpt
from an e-Book written by Elya K. called "The Mask
in the Mirror". Elya is a U.S. Hotline Moderator,
Sponsor and
Group Leader for GYE for already 3 years. To
purchase the e-Book from Elya for $3
click here.
Dear Fellow Jew,
Thank you for having the courage to write and
finally enter recovery. The first step is admitting
you are powerless over this and cannot stop. You
have an addiction - a disease (dis-ease) of
connection to G-d, other people and yourself; to
fill up a hole in your soul which yearns to be
filled up. Now you're filling it up with other
women, getting depressed but doing it all over
again. It's a cycle. Act Out, Feel Bad, Act Out so
you won't feel bad, and on and on.
This is a progressive disease. A person looks at
porn and swears he'll never go past that, then ends
up in strip joints and massage parlors, then
prostitution, adultery, etc. These consequences
can be deadly; disease, infecting your wife, even
suicide or death. That's why it's vital you get
help. There is help and hope.
-
You can start with the anonymous phone meetings
on
http://GuardYourEyes.org
-
Or join a live 12 step group for lust addiction
- SA (or Sex & Love Addiction - SLAA).
-
You may need to go away to treatment if this
continues, and it's worth it.
-
Go to the book store or shop online and get a
copy of "Out of the Shadows" by Patrick Carnes.
-
Call the GYE hotline any evening or on
weekends.
To recover, you must figure out what is causing you
to do all of these dangerous things. Do you do them
because you're angry, lonely, resentful, scared?
These are things you should begin thinking about.
Think about your past and what prompted you to look
at porn in the first place. What feelings are you
trying to escape from? Internet porn is so
insidious that you can get addicted just because you
looked for a few minutes.
To get better, you must stop acting out BECAUSE you
cannot think clearly and rationally while you're in
such a state. So take it slow, and thank Hashem
each day for keeping you sober today. Don't worry
about tomorrow, just today. Say, today I'm not
going to do this anymore. The next time you have
the urge (and you will) call the hotline, a sponsor
or friend in the program and talk it out. Any time
of the day or night.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story
here.
Hashem As Superman?
The problem with a 'superhero' view of Hashem was
first shown to me by Rav Noach Weinberg, Rosh
Yeshiva of Aish Hatorah:
Rav Noach zt"l told the story of a bike rider
who visited Aish once and heard a talk about what
yeshiva is about: getting a relationship with G-d.
He confronted Rav Noach and told him that if that is
all yeshiva is about, then he, of all people, does
not need yeshiva! For he already knows G-d
exists and that He is all-powerful. He then
described a neis that
occurred for him once while biking - a real
outlandish miracle that saved his life from a long
fall. He had no doubts about G-d's total
supernatural power, now...
Rav Noach's
response to him was this: "If G-d is that powerful,
then why did He allow you to fall off the cliff in
the first place? Is G-d like 'Superman' who, shocked
to see a horrible accident about to occur,
desperately 'rushes' in to 'save the day'? That's
just plain ridiculous if He is all-powerful, no?
So....Why did he make you fall in the first place? It
seems the Almighty really wanted your attention! He
must want you to go to yeshiva to learn how to know
Him!"
Rav Noach knew how to 'go in for the kill', indeed.
The frum yid who sees
a progressive, destructive, and insane addiction to
lust as simply "a battle with the YH" may be
relegating Hashem's role in the struggle to that of
Superman: "Hashem has no
plan here,
I mean, it's bad, no? He is 'crying' when he sees me
looking at porn, no? He'll do anything, just to not
have me do that zera
levatola!"
- He just happens upon
the poor yid and sees the guy is in a pickle, so He
'saves' him from the masturbation if the yid is
'good' enough/tries 'hard' enough... Gevald.
If I am really powerless, then I need Chessed, not s'char -
I cannot 'deserve ' His help! That
is why it is called, "Chessed". True, I need to be
open to it, otherwise I'll throw it back every
time...but it sure isn't based on my chastity!
....what about the
cycle, the mental illness, the twisting of all my
relationships and yiddishkeit into a knot with my
lusting?! Nu. "You gotta believe" (hey, I'm a
Mets-fan!). In other words, being that I am an
addict, there is just no way that I could ever try
hard enough - if there were, then I'd have quit years ago!
So I need a gift. And I have to be ready to take it
and keep it
a gift.
To me, the other way
- that if 'I only really try hard enough, I'll do it
on my own' - is what the Torah calls "im tailchu imi keri"....(pun
intended). It
is taking G-d right out of the picture - and
parroting the words, "I am doing it with Your
help!", and it is just plain worthless.
Deeper: It's not
about how the poor yid perceives the lust
problem,
or lust -
it's about his entire perspective on his
relationship with Hashem. To me, it is a childish
understanding of G-d. But worse, it is the very
understanding of Hashem that we used in
order to fertilize our addictive thinking during our
teenage years when our problem (and often, our
yiddishkeit) was developing! Thoughts like "He will
definitely take revenge on me; I'll daven extra hard
to escape the bad influence of my acting out; I'll
be extra good to make up for it; I'll punish myself
enough - so that He won't need to; and I am a
hopeless rasha - human garbage," infected our
developing yiddishkeit - and they do not go away
easily. They became coping mechanisms for our acting
out, itself. Pretty shocking, if you ask me.
All those dead
ends made
us miserable and desperate for the wrong things,
like G-d's 'Favor'...kind of like a purely religious
or philosophical struggle. It's really a cop-out,
for all we really want is to escape paying any real price
for our craziness. We do not absolutely need to
stop till there is a real price to pay. 'Gehinnom'
just doesn't cut it.
At their very best,
these ways of thinking kept us,
instead of Hashem, at the center of our lives and
avodah. They caused us to need lust even more,
because they made it possible to keep on going
without paying any real price - whenever necessary,
we just punished ourselves mercilessly with the whip
of guilt...
Our castrated way of using yiddishkeit
made it impotent as a sobriety tool, because it
was part of the cycle! It
was part of the problem, not the solution.
The Alter of Slabodka
(I think) said that we need to change to the point
that we spit out our "mothers' milk" - meaning, the
old, childish ways we understood Torah - and relate
in a mature way to everything we ever learned.
For me, this is a
kiyum of his idea, and we need S"D to do it right.
|
|
|
1055. |
? |
1056. |
Sunday ~ 8 Tamuz,
5771 ~ July 10, 2011
|
|
In Today's Issue
-
Audio Links:
Rabbi Shais Taub Last Week
-
Announcing:
YideoTube.com - Hosting now independently of Youtube
-
The Mask in the
Mirror: Excerpt 14 - Dear Bochur...
- Daily Dose of Dov:
When the Wife
Feels Betrayed
-
Announcement:
Need Help With GYE in Hebrew
-
Announcement 2:
Looking for a Big Zechus?
-
GYE News:
Let's Paint the Town Red!
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Category:
Audio Links
Download Here
a
recording of Rabbi Shais Taub on Duvid Chaim's call
last week
(Right Click the link and choose "Save
Target/Link" As)
As Torah Yidden, we have over the years often
struggled with understanding where and how the 12
Steps are rooted in Torah Hashkafah and can be found
specifically in Chazal. Rabbi Shais Taub has
masterfully woven such ideas in his book, "G-d of
Our Understanding", which can be purchased at
this link.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Announcing:
YideoTube.com
We all recognize those feelings of boredom, apathy
and lethargy that often lead to browsing places we
shouldn't, and which often leads to falls... B"H
most guys on GYE have blocked YouTube with their
filters, but where do we go when those feelings
start to set in and we're looking for some
entertainment in a Kosher way?
Good news.
Yideotube is now hosting independent of Youtube!
Since 2009, YideoTube is
providing a collection of quality screened
entertaining videos for the Jewish community. On
their website of yideotube.com,
visitors enjoy browsing videos of interest by the
categories desired such as a religious service,
education, or comedy.YideoTube
thrives in bringing together the best videos
available on the World Wide Web into one place. To
this point, YideoTube offers a collection of more
than 10,000 videos with daily additions of new
releases for over 20,000 daily-visitors.
Some background: A few months ago we sent an
e-mail to yideotube as follows:
Hi. I am the founder of guardyoureyes.org.
There's an article in the LA Times today that
mentions our work. It also mentions YideoTube a
number of times. You can see the article
on-line over
here.
It's great that you guys are providing a
kosher video site for frum people, but here's
the thing. Many of us set our filters to block
YouTube for obvious reasons. The problem is, we
can't view any of the videos on your site
because they all come from
YouTube. I'm sure many others in the frum
community share this problem.
Is there any way you guys could host your
own videos? See
this article from Matzav.com that talks
about this very issue:
If you guys resolve this issue, we could
advertise your site in our "Kosher-Isle"
and I'm sure your website would get a LOT MORE
frum traffic if it wasn't dependent on YouTube.
B"H they sent us an e-mail last week
that they have finally implemented what we
requested.
Warning: Some of the videos on Yideotube have
women in them that are not fully tzanuah, such
as news reporters and women in the background of
some scenes. However, this is in a very small
percentage of the videos, and only for a few
seconds... and the site is still a thousand
times better than YouTube!
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The
Mask in the Mirror
Excerpt 14
Here's an excerpt
from an e-Book written by Elya K. called "The Mask
in the Mirror". Elya is a U.S. Hotline Moderator,
Sponsor and
Group Leader for GYE for already 3 years. To
purchase the e-Book from Elya for $3
click here.
Dear Bochur,
What we resist persists. When we overwhelm ourselves
and tell ourselves we have to be clean for 90 days,
it gives the pressure a lot of power. And if we're
also addicted to failure, it's a sure sign we will
act out. Instead, admit you are powerless over this
addiction. By accepting reality, you will take the
wind out of the sails of the addiction and be able
to stay clean.
I recently received a private email from a 17 year
old living at home. He had put hundreds of dollars
on his parent's credit card talking on sex phone
lines. He was overseas at the time and when he got
home his parents asked him about it. He told them
he knew nothing about it.
He wrote asking me if he should continue to lie or
tell his parents the truth. I told him that life
was short and if he truly wanted to get into
Shidduchim and start his life off right, he couldn't
live a lie the rest of his life. I told him exactly
what to say to his parents - to tell them the
truth. He wrote me and said he told his parents and
they were very happy he did. If you Chas V'Sholom
had a serious illness would you hide it from your
parents?
This disease can kill us if we let it go too far.
Make sure your parents put filters on the computers.
If your parents have the password and you don't,
they can use the internet unfiltered and you'll have
it filtered.
It's as simple as that. All you have to say is
you don't want the opportunity of pushing the wrong
button and seeing those sites so you'd like their
help.
What if you went out of town and didn't take your
computer. Do you think you'd live through it?
People have lived for thousands of years without
computers.I understand if you earn your livelihood
on a computer, but if you don't there is really no
excuse to spend every free minute for the rest of
your life looking at a screen. Stay way from the
computer if you don't need it. This is what it
means... "going to any length to get and stay
sober".
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story
here.
When the Wife Feels Betrayed
Someone's wife found out about his addiction, she
was upset about being betrayed and won't forgive
him, and they are at an impasse. Dov writes to this
man:
To heck with your addiction.
This relationship
issue that vexes you was, is, and needs to stay (for
you) all about learning how to give your wife what
it is that she lusts
after - what she really
wants from you. One day at a time. Asking her what
she would like in a relationship with you just for
today - instead of trying to 'fix' the past. Don't
waste your time - she isn't interested in
forgiving you, and she doesn't feel she needs to.
For doing that would make her too vulnerable!
Taking actions of
love without expecting anything from her or the
relationship in return - instead of trying to
convince her (that's expecting her to forgive).
Thinking about and davening for her each day - that
is the derech. Taking the actions of love instead of
trying to 'make' something.
Just do.
Do for the next month
and see what the relationship produces, That is way
beyond either of you to give. Do it for the next six
months and you will discover a marriage liberated
from the past, even though both of you are - and may
individually still be - prisoners.
Don't do it for you,
and don't do it for her. Do it for the
marriage. There is a b'riyah that is neither
of you, only both of you. It is the 'bosor
echad' called "the marriage". It is choking now, and
being ignored. "Divide and conquer!" is the motto of
your disease, when it comes to marriage.
Just do it. Do it and
let Hashem take your lives where He Wills
it to go. Don't hold any expectations besides that He will
do a far, far better job that either of you have
done till now.
Will it work for you?
Take it slow, buddy. We are all in the same big
boat, in this challenge.
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|
1057. |
Monday ~ 9 Tamuz,
5771 ~ July 11, 2011
|
|
In Today's Issue
-
Announcement:
Elya's Call Tonight
- Quotes:
From Rav Avigdor
Miller
- Personal Victories:
Powerful Example
of TaPHSiC Method
-
The Mask in the
Mirror:
Excerpt 15 - Poems & Letters
- Daily Dose of Dov:
Chizkiyahu
HaMelech Went to Sleep
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Announcement
Elya's phone conference will be starting
15 minutes late tonight.
Elya invites everyone to his Monday
Night Phone Group at 9:15 p.m. EST.
712-429-0690 PIN 225356
Click here for more info on Elya's Call
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Category: Sayings
Quotes from Rav Avigdor Miller
How does suffering improve a person?
"There's an endless well of greatness in
mankind, only it slumbers within him. Vicissitudes
are like salt that sweetens man. Undergoing
difficulties in life stirs this greatness to the
surface."
What is your job here?
"We are put into this world for a purpose,
and it's summed up by the Mesilas Yesharim: "laavod
v'laamol v'laamod b'nisayon"--to work and to toil
and to withstand ordeals."
~~~~~~~~
Subscribe to the "Simcha Minute by Rabbi Miller"
from SimchasHachaim.com by
clicking here.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Category: Personal Victories
Powerful Example of the TaPHSiC Method
"CholentFresser" shared on the forum how the
'double-fence TaPHSiC method' works for him:
I made a commitment that if I wanted to look at
shmutz online I would first do one of 4 things, (1)
talk through how I'm feeling with my wife, (2) go
for a 30 min run or exercise, or (3) learn Torah for
30 min, or (4) read about the holocaust for 30 min.
Then I made a shvuah that if I did anyone of these 4
actions before looking, then I would only have to
give $75 to Tzedakah. But if I did not do any of
these 4 actions but just went right ahead and
looked, I would have to give $750 to Tzedaka. I am
unemployed now (so a lot of time on my hands), and
so taking a $750 hit is just not possible for me
right now. When the Yetzer Hara gets us in the
moment, he makes us forget all consequences. With
this method, it's just much harder to forget the
consequences. B"H I haven't looked at any shmutz
online since I made this commitment. It helps me a
lot and I hope it can help you too.
Click here to download a PDF detailing and
explaining the TaPHSiC method.
(Right-Click link and choose "Save Target/Link
As")
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The
Mask in the Mirror
Excerpt 15
Here's an excerpt
from an e-Book written by Elya K. called "The Mask
in the Mirror". Elya is a U.S. Hotline Moderator,
Sponsor and
Group Leader for GYE for already 3 years. To
purchase the e-Book from Elya for $3
click here.
POEMS AND
LETTERS
Goodbye to Addiction
You protected me from conflict
You soothed my shattered self,
You were my friend when I was lonely,
And when boredom came to rest.
You were my friend when lovers refused me,
You always pleased me,
At first I blamed you on pure curiosity,
Then you got the better of me.
I couldn't get enough of you,
Now I'm getting rid of you!
Goodbye addiction, you meant so much to me,
When I escaped into my fantasy world to escape my
fears and insecurities.
Being anonymous made me feel powerful, sly and
invisible,
But deep inside, you ended up making me feel
miserable.
I latched on to you to pass the time,
When I started new projects or just out of town,
I longed to connect to my fantasies and dreams,
And you always obliged by creating the scene.
Even in success you enveloped my life,
How could I
be successful, it just didn't feel right.
With you at my side, I could feel powerful and in
charge,
An excuse to procrastinate, to escape my wounded
scars.
Now, as I think of all the time I've wasted,
All the real hopes and dreams that could and should
have been,
I realize now that in a way you are a blessing in
disguise,
Because in my desire to get rid of you,
I've come to appreciate my true self,
And to know that Hashem is really in charge,
And all I have to do is give HIM the power to
destroy you.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story
here.
Chizkiyahu Hamelech Went to Sleep
Someone asks Dov:
The Whitebook seems to imply that we have no
control over ANY of our defects. One of the main
points of our purpose in this world, as I see it, is
to struggle through life working on our defects. Are
they saying that this is not the case?
Dov
Responds:
No, I agree with you - I do not accept that we are
powerless over all our defects, and no, even Bill W
himself would have told you, "No, you do not have to
accept any of these things - take what you find
actually works and you are welcome
to leave the rest!" As it says at the end of AA:
"This book is meant to be suggestive only". As far
as the beginning of ch. 5 where it says we need to
"let go absolutely", and "these are the steps we
took" - is about recovery work in a general sense -
we need to be totally serious about it, otherwise it
will not work at all. It is not apparent to me that
any of the steps say we are powerless over every
aspect of ourselves. In fact, every single guy I
have ever heard share in meetings that he is
"powerless over everything" - is no longer sober! So
I do not believe that is the Program's message.
Recovery is about responsibility.
There is something for me to do, rather than laying
back and letting this addiction kill me. No! I will get
help and do the work! "These are the steps we
took..."
And if G-d wills me to get better, then I will get
better!" That, to me, is the basic message of the 12
steps.
Teshuvah is certainly
guided by Hashem. He is
the "Yoreh chato'im baderech". I believe that Hashem
has a special way of guiding special people into the
teshuvah they need - I put my Teshuvah in His hands
as much as I put my life in His hands. In fact,
exactly as much. The moment I take matters into my
own hands, I will probably start trying to
manufacture 'oso isha, oso makom', etc....gevalt.
You know the medrash
about the kings that Rav Dessler explains. Two were
Dovid haMelech and Chizkiyah. I can't remember the
others. Dovid haMelech could actually go into battle
and swing his sword and guide his troops - and still
know it was Hashem doing it all.
The others could only watch the
battle or daven in
the palace, otherwise the increased participation
would drive Hashem's role right out of the battle,
in their hearts - it would seem to them that it was they who
were beating the enemy.
Chizkiyahu was lower.
He could not even daven, lest he take a part in the
battle in his heart and 'push Hashem out', in his
heart. So he elected to go to sleep! Bye Sancheriv!
I see an addict's
place like Chizkiyahu haMelech's. Now,
c'mon...normal people do hishtadlus all the time and
it's not a aveiro! What's chizkiyahu so hung up on?
I see addicts as needing to put Hashem in that role
specifically in the arena of their sobriety and
recovery. Because we need to admit that all along
when we were using our addiction, we were really
taking G-d's place, weren't we?
We were saying, "my
life isn't going the way it should. Hashem, You
obviously do not really know what You are doing, so
I'll do what needs to be done in order to pleasure myself!
I need to manipulate others to treat me the way I
want. I need, I need, I need. Life should be going
this way, that way, etc."
Recovery is not a
time for more of that. Now it is time that, of all
people, we self-pleasurers need to step back. We
have lost the right that normal people have of being
'Hashem's co-pilot' - especially in
our response to our addiction. It is a luxury we
have abused too often. It is poisonous now.
The silver lining is
that in recovery, the certain path to gaining
luxuries - is by giving them up. In Tzedaka, what
you give away is what you keep. Same in recovery.
When we give up on demanding sex from our wives,
they relax and start to be OK with sex. When we let
go and stop trying to stop ourselves from thinking
about lust, we actually begin to be free of it. When
we relax and let go of all outcomes - stop trying to
control our lives 'so that it all goes right' and
instead start to learn how to depend on Hashem for a
change, our lives actually get better and better.
"He who runs from
kavod - kavod will chase him!" Same idea. But he
needs to really surrender - as the Chofetz Chayim
pointed out, he cannot be turning around to make
sure that kavod is really chasing him!
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|
1058. |
Tuesday ~ 10 Tamuz,
5771 ~ July 12, 2011
|
|
In Today's Issue
-
Anecdotes:
The Cab Ride
- Serenity Songs:
Rabbi Nachman's
Niggun
- 12-Step Attitude:
Complete Deflation
-
The Mask in the
Mirror:
Excerpt 16 - Letter From Addiction
- Daily Dose of Dov:
The Double-Edged
Sword of the Disease
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Category: Anecdotes
The Cab Ride
The root of our spiritual illness is
"self-centeredness". Living 'outwardly-focused' has
tremendous benefits to us and those around us, often
beyond what we can imagine. Click the link above for
a beautiful true story that brings out this point.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Category: Audio Links > Songs
Rabbi Nachman's Niggun
The addiction is wants to rob us of inner-peace and
serenity. When feeling weak, play this beautiful
song, close your eyes and breath deeply in and
out.... (According to Breslov tradition, this niggun
is said to be the niggun that is played in Shamayim
when they accompany Tzadikim to Gan-Eden).
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Category: 12-Step Attitude
Complete Deflation
Shared by Peter (Pesach) in SA
I'd like to take a moment to share with you an idea
about the first step which I feel is not expressed
often enough in recovery.
The original first step of the Oxford group was
known as "complete deflation". The Big Book speaks
over and over again that the beginning of this
journey is the realization that we are completely
defeated (on a physical plane), complete
hopelessness and zero power in our lives.
I think this is one of the ironies of the program
and perhaps confusing to many people because it is
not expressed - the fact that in order to commit to
this program we MUST have a desire/willingness to
stop, but then the first step is realizing at depth
that the 'desire to stop' is absolutely useless...
In other words, the baffling nature of this disease
is the utter inability to leave it alone no matter
the desire or necessity. Even the strongest desire
to stop is of absolutely no avail, the addict has no
mental defense against the first drink. Instead, his
defense must come from a Higher Power.
Bottom Line: Instead of channeling our desire to
stop into 'leaving it alone', we need instead to
channel it towards a desire to seek God/spiritual
life, because only HE can remove the obsession to
act out.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The
Mask in the Mirror
Excerpt 16
Here's an excerpt
from an e-Book written by Elya K. called "The Mask
in the Mirror". Elya is a U.S. Hotline Moderator,
Sponsor and
Group Leader for GYE for already 3 years. To
purchase the e-Book from Elya for $3
click here.
LETTER FROM
ADDICTION
I've come to visit once again. I love to see you
suffer mentally physically spiritually and socially.
I want to have you restless so you can never relax.
I want you jumpy and nervous and anxious. I want to
make you agitated and irritable so everything and
everybody makes you uncomfortable. I want you to be
depressed and confused so that you can't think
clearly or positively. I want to make you hate
everything and everybody-especially yourself. I want
you to feel guilty and remorseful for the things you
have done in the past that you'll never be able to
let go. I want to make you angry and hateful toward
the world for the way it is and the way you are. I
want you to feel sorry for yourself and blame
everything but your addiction for the way things
are. I want you to be deceitful and untrustworthy,
and to manipulate and con as many people as
possible. I want to make you fearful and paranoid
for no reason at all and I want you to wake up
during all hours of the night screaming for me. You
know you can't sleep without me; I'm even in your
dreams.
I want to be the first thing you wake up to every
morning and the last thing you touch before you
black out. I would rather kill you, but I'll be
happy enough if I can put you back in the hospital,
another institution or jail. But you know that I'll
still be waiting for you when you come out. I love
to watch you slowly going insane. I love to see all
the physical damage that I'm causing you. I can't
help but sneer and chuckle when you shiver and
shake, when you freeze and sweat at the same time,
when you wake up with your sheets and blankets
soaking wet.
It's amazing how much destruction I can do to your
internal organs while at the same time, work on your
brain, destroying it bit by bit. I deeply appreciate
how much you sacrifice for me.
The countless good jobs you have sacrificed for me.
All the fine friends that you deeply cared for-you
gave them up for me. And what's more, for the ones
you turned against yourself because of your
inexcusable actions-I am more than grateful.
And especially your loved ones, your family, and the
most important people in the world to you. You even
threw them away for me. I cannot express in words,
the gratitude I have for the loyalty you have for
me. You sacrificed all these beautiful things in
your life just to devote yourself completely to me.
But do not despair my friend, for on me you can
always depend. For after you have lost all these
things, you can still depend on me to take even
more. You can depend on me to keep you in living
hell, to keep your mind, body and soul.
FOR I WILL
NOT BE SATISFIED UNTIL YOU ARE DEAD, MY FRIEND.
Faithfully yours,
Your addiction
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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story
here.
The Double Edged Sword of the Disease
To someone who was clean for a while but doesn't
understand why he is still so strongly pulled
towards falling, Dov writes:
I beg of you to avoid the silliness of looking at
staying sexually pure as an end in itself. Although
it is playing with fire, stupid and
deadly, do not fool yourself. Let's have a little
humility here, folks. We are recovering perverts. In
addiction, we naturally tend toward looking at women
and schmutz and taking it all in hungrily, and using
it with gusto. We are screwed up, in that respect.
Bearing that in mind,
I believe that being clean from porn or masturbation
is a wonderful brocha that you do not deserve.
Neither do I.
Lechatchila I need to
be careful to avoid any lusting at all, because
I need to 'respect' my disease and take it dead
seriously.
But b'dieved, after a slip or fall, I wouldn't ask:
"Ach, how can I do such foolish things!?"
I'll tell you how we
can do stupid stuff like that: We are addicts, and
that's what addicts do!
It's a double-edges sword, this disease-thing. It
gives us the humility to be more careful without
becoming kedoshim when we are granted success, and it
gives us the humility to accept defeat when we screw
up. 'Falling' is never the chiddush for you and me -
sobriety is! Even for an addict who has been sober
for twenty years or more!!
And if that's just
words, then I pity myself. I want you to know that
if I am sober next year, I'll be a bit
surprised....but when I remember Who is on my side,
and how strong a gift He gave me with SA and
Recovery, then I feel more at ease. But that's all a
chiddush, not the failure - that's 'par' for the
course, as far as I am concerned.
Of course, if you opt
to join the "I have not acted out for a year now -
so I am obviously (mostly) healed and no longer an
'addict' like I used to be" - chevra...well, then
none of this will be yours.
What do you want? The
stuff behind curtain #1, or curtain #2?
Go easy on yourself.
It's amazing that you (and us) were brought this
far, reb yid.
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1059. |
Wednesday ~ 11 Tamuz,
5771 ~ July 13, 2011
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
May Our Hisorerus Be Li'Lui Nishmaso
Hitting Bottom While Still on Top
We are all shaken up by the terrible tragedy in NY.
How could someone who
looked and acted so normal stoop to such a
horrendous crime?
Steve from the morning
12-Step phone conference wrote:
"We spent some time on our call today speaking
about the tragedy in Brooklyn, and trying to find
messages that we on the call need to get from it.
One veteran was using it to show how far down we
could fall if we don't get help from our addiction."
I sent
Steve the following articles, to bring-home the
point even stronger:
A famous serial killer, Ted Bundy, blames
addiction to inappropriate material on his actions:
In the Dobson interview before his execution, Bundy
said that violent inappropriate material played a
major role in his immoral crimes. According to
Bundy, as a young boy he found outside the home
again, in the local grocery store, in a local drug
store, the inappropriate material... And from time
to time he would come across even more inappropriate
books.... Bundy said, "It happened in stages,
gradually. My experience with inappropriate material
generally, but particularly with inappropriate
material that deals with violent immorality, is
that once you become addicted to it, and I look at
this as a kind of addiction, you look for more
potent, more explicit, more graphic kinds of
material. Like an addiction, you keep craving
something which is harder and gives you a greater
sense of excitement, until you reach the point where
the pornography only goes so far - that jumping off
point where you begin to think maybe actually doing
it will give you that which is just beyond reading
about it and looking at it.
And this is what Arthur Gary Bishop, another
serial killer that killed five boys and was
sentenced to death, wrote after his conviction:
Inappropriate material was a determining factor in
my downfall. Certain bookstores offered graphic and
explicit inappropriate materials. I purchased such
books and used them to enhance my acting
out fantasies... Finding and procuring lust
materials became an obsession. For me, seeing
inappropriate materials was lighting a fuse on a
stick of dynamite. I became obsessed with immoral
relationships. I became stimulated and had to
gratify my urges. My conscience was desensitized
and my appetite for lust entirely controlled my
actions.
Steve wrote back:
"I feel very uncomfortable with the notion that all
porn/lust addicts will become serial killers if they
do not stop their "progressive disease" in it's
tracks.
There is a difference
between being a sexaholic and a psychopath, and one
doesn't necessarily lead to the other.
Then again, I remember hearing an interview with
a recovered crack addict. He said that when he was
overcome by his addiction "If you stood between me
and my next hit, I WOULD kill you. No questions
asked." But that is in the midst of a physical cycle
of craving. Would we say that if left unchecked, my
cycle of craving could lead me to such terrible
things?"
Response
to Steve:
It is true that pedophilia and violence in sexual
cases are often results of other "mental illnesses"
that are not always directly related to lust
addiction. Not all lust addicts will become
pedophiles, and not all pedophiles got that way
through lust addiction. However, fantasy is
only a step away from action. And the more
entrenched the addiction becomes, the closer the
fantasy stage gets to the 'action stage'. Many sex
and lust addicts have pedophilic fantasies. And the
more they feed the addiction, the more the disease
progresses, it demands more and more stimulation and
the addict gets closer and closer to the "action"
stage. And once a "terrible" action takes place,
there is no telling where it can lead. As in the
story in Brooklyn, it wasn't his addiction that
killed the innocent child, it was his panicking that
he'd be caught that led an otherwise "normal" person
to commit such an horrific act of murder.
The Medrash says that someone who transgresses "eishes
ish" transgresses on all of the Ten
Commandments. The Medrash elaborates and explains
how he transgresses each one of the dibros.
When it comes to "Lo Tirtzach" the Medrash
explains that an adulterer transgresses murder
because in the midst of the act he is ready to kill
or be killed, if caught.
Although these are extreme examples, one of the
goals of GuardYourEyes is to help people "Hit
bottom while still on top". We should not wait
for the addiction to destroy our lives or other
people's lives, c"v!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This idea of hitting bottom while on top is
discussed in beautiful clarity and detail in the 12
Steps and 12 Traditions:
In A.A.'s pioneering time, none but the most
desperate cases could swallow and digest this
unpalatable truth. Even these "last-gaspers" often
had difficulty in realizing how hopeless they
actually were. But a few did, and when these laid
hold of A.A. principles with all the fervor with
which the drowning seize life preservers, they
almost invariably got well. That is why the first
edition of the book "Alcoholics Anonymous,"
published when our membership was small, dealt with
low-bottom cases only. Many less desperate
alcoholics tried A.A., but did not succeed because
they could not make the admission of hopelessness.
It is a tremendous satisfaction to record that
in the following years this changed. Alcoholics who
still had their health, their families, their jobs,
and even two cars in the garage, began to recognize
their alcoholism. As this trend grew, they were
joined by young people who were scarcely more than
potential alcoholics. They were spared that last
ten or fifteen years of literal hell the rest of us
had gone through. Since Step One requires an
admission that our lives have become unmanageable,
how could people such as these take this Step?
It was obviously necessary to raise the bottom
the rest of us had hit to the point where it would
hit them. By going back in our own drinking
histories, we could show that years before we
realized it we were out of control, that our
drinking even then was no mere habit, that it was
indeed the beginning of a fatal progression. To the
doubters we could say, "Perhaps you're not an
alcoholic after all. Why don't you try some more
controlled drinking, bearing in mind meanwhile what
we have told you about alcoholism?" This attitude
brought immediate and practical results. It was then
discovered that when one alcoholic had planted in
the mind of another the true nature of his malady,
that person could never be the same again. Following
every spree, he would say to himself, "Maybe those
A.A.'s were right . . ." After a few such
experiences, often years before the onset of extreme
difficulties, he would return to us convinced. He
had hit bottom as truly as any of us.
In light of the
above, it is clear that anyone who sincerely wants
to stop lusting and
understands that they can't
do it alone is
a perfect candidate for serious recovery. As soon as
we acknowledge in a deep way that we cannot succeed
our our own, and we also understand where these
behaviors will lead us, then we have hit bottom just
as truly as any helpless addict.
So let us take our recovery deadly serious,
and let nothing stand in our way of doing all we can
to get better!
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1060. |
Wednesday ~ 12 Tamuz,
5771 ~ July 14, 2011
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In Today's Issue
-
Article Link from
Dr. Sorotzkin:
Human Behavior
-
The Mask in the
Mirror:
Excerpt 17 - Reflections
- Daily Dose of Dov:
Chazak Mimenu
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We received today a link to an article in
the LA Times from Dr. Benzion Sorotzkin which he
suggested would be very helpful to GYE readers.
Human behavior: To resist temptation, forget guilt
or shame and think positive
The more we anticipate public humiliation and
guilt, the worse we're likely to do when it comes to
self-control. If we focus on the pride that comes
from good behavior, we make better choices. By far.
By Deborah MacInnis
Anytime a VIP gets caught with his (or her) pants
down - Arnold Schwarzenegger or Anthony Weiner, for
example - you can almost hear the collective "huh?"
around the nation's water coolers, on its Twitter
feeds and shared over its backyard fences.
What in the heck were those guys thinking? Where
were they when John Edwards, Eliot Spitzer, Bill
Clinton and so many
others crashed and burned? Why wasn't the very real
risk of shame and humiliation enough to stop them
cold?
More than 2,000 years ago Socrates asserted in
Plato's "Phaedrus" that two horses contend for our
souls - one, unruly, passionate and constantly
pulling in the direction of pleasure, and the other
restrained, dutiful, obedient and governed by a
sense of shame. But a set of studies I conducted
with two other researchers at the USC Marshall
School of Business suggests that Socrates was wrong,
at least about Horse No. 2. Humans may be pulled
hard toward pleasure, but shame isn't the
countervailing force that reins us in.
In fact, the more we anticipate wagging fingers,
public pillory and guilt, the worse we're likely to
do when it comes to self-control. If we focus on the
pride that comes from good behavior, we make better
choices. By far.
The proof is in the devil's food. In one of our
studies, we put three groups of subjects alone in a
room with a very large piece of chocolate cake, the
utensils to devour it and water. We told them they
could eat as much or as little cake as they wished.
But first, the members of one group were instructed
to focus on the pride they would feel if they
resisted the cake. Those in the second group were
told to imagine the shame they would feel if they
ate it, and the final (control) group was simply let
loose, with no instructions at all.
We discovered that the study subjects who
anticipated pride at resisting the cake consumed far
less than those who focused on the shame of
succumbing. They also ate less than the control
group. In other words, when it comes to
self-regulation, anticipated pride outperformed
anticipated shame as well as unconsidered, heedless
consumption.
What would make anticipating pride so much better
than anticipating shame in controlling temptation?
One reason is that pride focuses attention on the
self (not the cake) and on success rather than
failure. Shame, on the other hand, emphasizes the
opposite; it focuses attention on the object of
desire and the act of succumbing, making resistance
harder to pull off. Simply put, anticipating pride
makes us feel good, and anticipating shame makes us
feel bad.
We know from prior research that we're better able
to resist temptation when we feel good, not bad. Our
research also indicated that not all bad feelings
are equal when it comes to undermining self-control.
For example, when we asked subjects to anticipate
guilt instead of shame, it made them eat more cake.
Guilt, it turns out, carries a triple whammy: It
concentrates thoughts on the temptation rather than
on self-control; it makes you generally feel bad,
weakening resistance; and it heightens the expected
pleasure from being bad, which makes the temptation
more tempting.
Can any of these results prevent another politician
from a precipitous fall from grace? Maybe - if they
work at it.
For starters, our studies suggest that heaping
humiliation and punishment on the Anthony Weiners of
the world may not so much prevent the next outbreak
of idiocy as encourage it. Instead, we have to
concentrate on cueing the good feelings that come
from doing good.
For those who want to resist chocolate cake, it
could mean pasting a picture of your slimmest self
on the pantry door. For those of you who made
wedding vows, it could mean fending off seduction by
imagining your next anniversary with the woman or
man to whom you promised everlasting fidelity.
My colleagues and I studied chocolate cake
consumption as a matter of business. What we found
could help groups like insurance companies or
healthcare providers develop strategies to encourage
self-control when it comes to smoking, drinking or
getting the proper amount of exercise. But the
lessons apply to anyone faced with temptation.
Remember that anticipated shame won't help, and
anticipated guilt will only make it easier to
succumb. Instead, think about the positive effects
of doing the right thing. And you probably will.
Deborah MacInnis is the vice dean for research
and strategy, and a professor of business
administration and marketing at USC. Her coauthored
studies on self-control and chocolate cake were
published in the Journal of Consumer Psychology and
Advances in Consumer Research.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This article reminds me of the post we brought a
few days ago from "Blind Beggar" where he wrote:
This is the second time in my life that I have gone
100 days without HZ"L. The first time was before I
came to GYE, when I read a sefer, "Veha'er Einaeinu"
by Rabbi Yosef Goldschmit of Kiryat Sefer. The main
point of his sefer is based on something that Rav
Chaim Friedlander zatzal wrote.
Rabbi Chaim Freidlander zatzal wrote a great eitza
for guarding our eyes. (Look in Sifsei Chaim on
Moados, Chelek Alef in the section Derech Shel Aliya.)
He says that if we give ourselves the choice of
either enjoying the pleasure of looking at women or
not giving ourselves the pleasure, we are in for a
struggle: Enjoy or don't enjoy? A plate of ice cream
or an empty plate? Instead, what we have to do is
realize the positive benefits of guarding our eyes,
the tremendous zechus and kedusha that we can gain
from shmiras eynayim. If we do that, now we have a
choice between one pleasure and another pleasure,
between a plate of delicious treife ice cream which
will eventually make us sick, or spiritual and
lasting pleasure. That is a much easier choice to
make.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The
Mask in the Mirror
Excerpt 17
Here's an excerpt
from an e-Book written by Elya K. called "The Mask
in the Mirror". Elya is a U.S. Hotline Moderator,
Sponsor and
Group Leader for GYE for already 3 years. To
purchase the e-Book from Elya for $3
click here.
~ REFLECTIONS
~
Keep
it simple.
First
things first.
Do
the next right thing.
If
you don't know what to do, do nothing.
Take
things one day at a time.
Don't
give up.
The
only way around is through.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story
here.
Chazak Mimenu
Here's a personal understanding of a brocha that I
concentrate on each and every ma'ariv:
ki fodoh
Hashem es Yaakov, ug'alo miyad
chozok mimenu -
What's chozok
mimenu? Well, my addiction is inexorable, cunning,
baffling and powerful - certainly much stronger than
I. And He redeems me from it every single day, so
far.
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1061. |
Friday ~ 13 Tamuz,
5771 ~ July 15, 2011
Erev Shabbos Parshas Pinchas
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GYE LAUNCHING:
"The Leiby Kedusha Initiative"
The fact that this horrific story happened between
Parshas Balak - which ends with the story of the
daughters of Mo'av, and Parshas Pinchas - which
talks about the greatness of Pincha's zealously for
Kedusha, and also the fact that this tragedy is most
likely the
outcome of a perversion in inyanei Kedusha,
all this together is perhaps
a message
to Klal Yisrael that Hashem is
demanding that we take stock of the low state of
Kedusha in our community today.
We would like to launch an initiative in memory
of Leiby Kletzky to try and help boost the kedusha
in Klal Yisrael in 3 main areas.
1) Prevention and Treatment of Lust addiction
2) Child Molestation Prevention
3) Tznius
in our communities
1) Prevention and Treatment of Lust
addiction: All those of us on GYE are already
part of this revolution in Klal Yisrael, trying to
purify themselves against all odds. Thousands of
Yidden are using the tools and support of our
network to turn their lives around.
How
can you help?
(A) First and foremost, let us all
purify ourselves more! It is brought down in many
sefarim that every time a Jew lifts himself a bit
higher, he makes "room" (so to speak) for the person
on the level below him to move up as well... When we
purify ourselves even a little bit more, we set off
a chain reaction that leads even those on the very
bottom of 50th
shaar hatumah to be able to go up
higher!
Download or
purchase a hard-copy of the recently updated GYE
Handbook and learn all the tools to "Break Free" of
these difficult temptations.
(B) Put preventive measures in
place for you and your family. Install solid
filtering and reporting software in all your
internet enabled devices. We can help! Contact our
filter gabai for advice at
filter.gye@gmail.com. Download the
GYE Prevention Tips for Parents Handbook to
learn the many things you can do to keep your home
safe.
(C) Help us spread the word about
our work by either telling your friends, family or
Rabbanim about us.
(D) Please donate (on our
new donation page) so we can advertise and
expand our programs to meet the ever growing need.
2) Child Molestation Prevention:
Unfortunately this is not a small issue in our
communities today, and it is destroying the lives of
many innocent souls. And even more tragically, those
who are abused often go on to abuse others. This is
a terrible disease, and here are a few ways we can
help prevent it:
(A) Learning how to speak to our
children about these dangers. For this, we can
suggest a few things:
1. Listen to this important video
talk by Rabbi Yaakov Horowitz - founder of Project
YES, called
Speaking To Your Kids About Personal Safety.
2. Read this great article by
Aish.com called "Preventing
Child Molestation".
3. Download this PDF booklet called
"Summer Safety - Sacred Lives" which all parents
should read before sending their kids to camp. It
can be
downloaded here.
(C) Report anyone who has done such
things to the authorities so he doesn't strike again
and gets the help he needs. See
this article,
this article and
this article for the Halachic P'sak that this is
not considered "messirah". If you know someone in
the NY community who needs to be stopped,
Assemblyman Dov Hikind started an organization
called "Shomrei Yaldeinu" and Dov Cohen (co3kids@aol.com)
and Joe Lazar (jlazar@lazarCG.com)
are in charge of it. Contact them for advice on how
to proceed.
(C) Appropriate prevention and
treatment of lust addiction (as GYE is doing) can
drastically cut down the number of these cases over
time. It is clear that lust addiction can sometimes
lead to these problems if it is not dealt with
properly in earlier stages.
3) Tznius in our communities: Women
often don't realize what goes on in a man's head
when he sees them walk or dressed a certain way.
This includes tight-clothing, high-heels, long
sheitels, etc... The problem is, that when men try
to bring up this issue with the women, they usually
brush it off and say that they just want to look
good to feel good about themselves, and the men
shouldn't be such "perverts" and learn to control
their eyes and thoughts. That's why it's important
to spread
the following shiur around to as many women
as you can. Let them hear it from a woman! This is a
powerful talk given by a desperate mother whose son
was diagnosed with an untreatable tumor. She took it
upon herself to boost awareness in this area in the
hope that this zechus will stand by her son.
Please spread it around! (Warning, it's only for
women to hear, since it may be a bit triggering for
men where she discusses what kind of things are
triggers).
Rabbosai, if we can undertake to help boost
awareness and help in these 3 areas, or even in ONE
of these 3 areas, we will be taking to heart the
lesson that Hashem perhaps wants us to take from the
horrible story last week, and the soul of Leiby will
find peace and have an aliya through our hisorerus!
PLEASE PASS THIS E-MAIL ON TO ALL YOUR CONTACTS!
LET'S MAKE A REVOLUTION - SO WE CAN ADD MEANING TO
THIS SENSELESS TRAGEDY!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Please
Donate towards the "Leiby Kedusha
Initiative" for the memory and zechus of Leiby
Kletsky
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our
new donation page was just launched. You can
also use the PayPal options on the right side of
our website
www.guardyoureyes.org.
Credit Card donations by phone: 646-600-8100
Checks can be written out to "GYE Corp" and
mailed to:
GYE Corp.
3918 Fallstaff Rd.
Baltimore, MD, 21215
U.S.A
Tizke Lemitzvos!
GYE is a
recognized
501(c)(3) organization and donations to us
are tax deductible.
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1062. |
Sunday ~ 15 Tamuz,
5771 ~ July 17, 2011
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The
Mask in the Mirror
Excerpt 18
Here's an excerpt
from an e-Book written by Elya K. called "The Mask
in the Mirror". Elya is a U.S. Hotline Moderator,
Sponsor and
Group Leader for GYE for already 3 years. To
purchase the e-Book from Elya for $3
click here.
Commitment
Until one is committed there is hesitancy, the
chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness.
Concerning all acts of initiative and creation,
there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of
which kills countless ideas and splendid plans. The
moment one definitely commits oneself; all sorts of
things begin to happen that would never otherwise
have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from
the committed decision, raising in one's favor all
matter of incidents, meetings and material
assistance, which no man could have dreamed would
come his way. Whatever you can do, or dream, you
can begin. Boldness has genius, power and magic on
it. Begin it now...
- Goethe.
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Category: Torah Thoughts
The Ohr
Hachayim Hakadosh's Yartzeit
In honor of the Ohr Hachayim Hakadosh's Yartzeit
today, we would like to bring some pieces from his
Sefer that can help us in our struggle.
Only With Hashem's Power
There is a fundamental and elementary piece from the
holy Ohr Hachayim in (Acharei Mos, 18:2) that gives
a clear perspective on the powerful nature of these
desires, and helps us understand how Hashem
expects us to remain holy in spite of it being
against human nature. He
makes it clear that once a person falls into these
sins, it is almost impossible to get out of them
without special divine assistance. (This fits in
very well with the 12-Step approach which calls
sobriety a "miracle" and stipulates that only G-d
can keep us sober, one day at a time.)
Click here to download a PDF translation
of this important piece from the Ohr Hachaim. To see
the original text in Hebrew, click
here (the relevant parts are marked in yellow,
and the VERY relevant parts in red).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Disgusting in Our Eyes
The Medrash on this past week's Parsha says that
Pinchas drove his spear straight through the
genitals of Zimri and Kuzbi
the Midyanite, as they were sinning
together. Then, G-d gave Pinchas divine strength and
he was able to lift both of their their dead bodies
up out of the tent, while still on the spear, for
all to see that they had been killed for their sins.
The Holy Ohr
Hachaim Hakodesh writes that through
doing this, Pinchas made the sin of illicit sexual
relations look disgusting in the eyes of the Yidden
and thereby caused a tremendous Kiddush Hashem.
On a similar note, the Ohr
Hachayim writes as
well in another place in the Parsha, that G-d
commanded the Jews "Tzror
es Hamidyanim Ve'hikesem Osam" -
meaning, "Make the Midyanim hated in your eyes and
destroy everything of theirs". So the Ohr
Hachayim asks,
why do we need to hate them and destroy everything,
why not be able to benefit from the spoils of the
enemy? And he answers that when it comes to immoral
sexual conduct (that the Midyanites caused the
Yidden to sin in), the only way for the Jews to
receives G-d's forgiveness and atone properly would
be if they turn their hearts to hate these sins, and
destroy all that is related to it. For as long as
the lust of the sins remain alive in a
Jew's heart, he cannot properly atone for sins of a
sexual nature. Instead, he must try to first arouse
a disgust and hatred of these sins in his heart -
and then he can achieve a true Teshuvah.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Ohr Hachayim Foresees GYE?
The Ohr Hachayim on Parshas Shmos (3:8) writes that
before Moshiach's time the Jewish nation will be
subjected to the 50th level of impurity. But he also writes,
that by using the koach of the Torah, the Jewish
people will garner the strength to enter into the
very "mouth" of the 50th level of impurity and pull
out that which the Satan had already swallowed ("le'hotzi
boi'lo mi'piv").
And that is what the GuardYourEyes community is
doing today! The Ohr Hachayim Hakadosh could
not have used a more divinely
inspired analogy!
We are entering into the mouth of the Yetzer
Hara himself
and harnessing the very power of the
anonymity and accessibility of the Satan's favorite
tool - the internet, to pull out these sparks of
Kedusha, these holy souls, that have fallen to the
50th level of impurity!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Don't Get Into a Discussion With The Snake
The Ohr Hachayim says regarding chava and
the snake that the reason why she fell was because
she allowed the snake to engage her in conversation.
Once she got into the conversation, she started
entertaining the idea of saying "yes" even though
she had originally entered the conversation with the
intent of saying "no". She said no, he said "yes",
she said "no", he said "why not?"... So she started
explaining why not, but by the time the conversation
had finished she had fallen through.
This is the derech of the Satan. When we entertain
fantasies in our mind, he claims we are just
"thinking about it for the sake of saying NO to it".
But it's a lie. Because once he gets us fantasizing,
we are already in his hands and it gets only harder
to break away!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Power of NOW
"V'ata Yisroel
mu Hashem Elokecha sho'el may'imuch.... ki im
l'yirah, etc.... - And now,
Yisrael, what does Hashem your G-d ask of you, but
to fear him, etc..." and
the Torah continues with a whole list of wonderful madreigos.
The Torah is
emphasizing that we CAN reach
all these wonderful madreigos, if we focus on
one thing... V'ata - NOW; not
what happened a second ago, nor a day ago, nor a
year ago, and also not what WILL happen.
Just the present. That is all Hashem asks of us,
the ATA -
the NOW.
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1063. |
Monday ~ 16 Tamuz,
5771 ~ July 18, 2011
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In Today's Issue
-
Announcement:
Top 5 Sites for Advertising GYE
- Parshas Matos:
When it is a
Mitzva to Make Shvuos
-
The Mask in the
Mirror:
Excerpt 19 - Sin and Addiction
- Daily Dose of Dov:
Are you willing to
go to any lengths?
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Announcement
Top 5 Sites for Advertising GYE
Dear GYE community,
In preparation for the launch of our new website in
the coming months, we're looking to start a major
advertising campaign to spread the word about our
work in the Jewish world. Right now we have banners
on
YeshivaWorld ,
Vosizneias and
Arutz 7.
We want to hear from you what websites you think
would be best for us to advertise on? Which Jewish
websites would make the biggest impact and reach the
most people who need help?
Please
send us your "Top 5" suggestions.
Also, whoever can pitch in, please help us to
sponsor advertising. You may be saving the life,
marriage and future generations of every Yid who
gets help because of your sponsored ad! You can make
monthly recurring payments using credit cards on our
new donation page
over here.
Thank you and Tizke Lemitzvos!
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Category: Torah > Parshas Matos
When it is a Mitzva to Make Shvuos
Normally making vows
is frowned upon by our sages as with someone playing
with fire, but when it comes to girding oneself from
sexual temptation, we find that making vows is
praised by the Torah and by Chazal.
The Ohr Hachayim (whose Yartzeit was yesterday)
writes in this week's Parshas Matos (30:2):
Rough
Translation (in short): "The Pasuk is saying
here that there are Nedarim and Shvuos
that Hashem commanded us to make... such as in cases
where one has apprehension about stumbling in the
area of arayos... to counteract the strength
of this desire ...as Chaza"l say about Bo'az,
that he swore to guard himself from transgressing
when Ruth came to him in the silo at night,
as it says "Chai Hashem, Shichvi ad haboker -
In the name of G-d, lay here until morning". And as
the Pasuk says, "Nishbati Va'akayeima, lishmor
Mishpatei Tzidkecha - I have vowed and will
uphold it; to guard your righteous laws",
for it is a Mitzva to make a Shvuah against one's
evil inclination."
Also, the
Mishna says in Pirkei Avos: "Nedarim siyag
la'prishus - Nedarim are a fence for abstinence".
And another Pasuk in
Tehilim says "Nishba Lehora Velo Yamir - oseh
eileh lo yimot le'olam - He who swears to
prevent bad and does not nullify... he will never
falter". So it is clear that there are cases when
making Shvuos is actually a Mitzva
that Hashem wants us to do!
However, as important
and helpful as vows can be in fighting this powerful
desire, they are also spiritually dangerous. The
addiction is very often more powerful than vows.
Therefore, it is vital that we learn how
to make vows in a way that will work and be
spiritually safe. Instead of fighting the addiction
head-on through the vows, we can make vows that will
help us "walk around" the addiction.
Do not
make a make vow that you simply will not act-out or
look at inappropriate material. Many addicts have
tried this and failed miserably, because when we are
under a lust attack it is very hard for our yiras
shamayim to stop us.
Download
the TaPHSiC Method PDF file (6 pages) to
learn this powerful "Shvuah" technique that has
helped many frum addicts stop their destructive
behaviors.
You can also read the TaPHSiC Method online at
this link.
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The
Mask in the Mirror
Excerpt 19
Here's an excerpt
from an e-Book written by Elya K. called "The Mask
in the Mirror". Elya is a U.S. Hotline Moderator,
Sponsor and
Group Leader for GYE for already 3 years. To
purchase the e-Book from Elya for $3
click here.
SIN AND ADDICTION
Everyone who overcomes a sin is a Baal Teshuva but
Koheles (Ecclesiastes) said there is no man who
has not sinned.
G-D knew this and that is why HE created Teshuva.
HE knew people would sin.
You have an addiction - a disease
of connection. As long as you keep looking at porn
and masturbating you will have no connection to
Hashem or your wife. When you honestly can say you
want this connection then you are ready to make a
decision. Either continue to act out and eventually
get worse, or get into a program where you can get
some help and figure out what is causing you to want
to jeopardize your life acting out every day. Here
are some ideas:
1. Why do you need to be on a computer? It's
like going to the mikvah with a sheretz in your
hand. Turn it off, get rid of it. If you HAVE to
have it, put a block on it so you cannot access
porn, videos, YouTube, news, etc., all of which
are triggers. Try this one:
http://BSecure.com.
2. Usually this means you are "medicating" some
anger, fear, loneliness, stress. It's a vicious
cycle which you can and must break. You feel
stress, you masturbate to feel better, you feel
guilty and shameful so you masturbate again and
over and over and over. I believe you now see
how powerless you are over this
disease and how your life has become
unmanageable. Only Hashem can restore you to
sanity. But when you're an impure vessel,
Hashem will not fill you with his Goodness. You
must clean the vessel and Hashem will pour HIS
blessing into you. First we need to give up the
struggle to control it and accept that whatever
is happening in our life is Hashem's will for
us. So there is no need for stress or worry
because Hashem is taking care of you.
3. Make the decision right now to turn your
life over to Hashem, honestly daven and ask HIM
just for today to help you stop and you will see
it gets easier and you will begin to build back
your relationships with HIM, and everyone else.
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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story
here.
Are you willing to go to any lengths?
Meetings, steps, making calls, and posting (for
those still more terrified about saying the
truth about themselves to another real person than
almost anything else...) - all these things can bring
us to inner rest/serenity - to admit the truth about
ourselves and live accordingly - sanely. But
it depends on how we use them.
Maybe none of this is
for you at all. I do not know. But what worked for
me was going to real meetings with real people
because I knew I could not continue using my drug.
If you (or anybody is) are not willing
to go to any
lengths to
be truly rid of this garbage, then to me that means
only one thing. You are not really ready to be rid
of this garbage.
If you agree with me,
that I suggest strongly that you stop telling
yourself and anyone else that you are ready to let
go of it. It is still too precious and sweet to you.
And I cannot blame
you in the least, for it was too precious and sweet
for me to give it up for 15 years even at the
expense of my wife, children, Hashem, His Torah, my
Olam haba, my integrity, and lots of other things. I
cannot and will not
blame you at all if you never give it up and keep using
your drug even till you destroy everything in your
life. I will not look down on you in any way, and
will not even be surprised. In fact, I am surprised
that I am
sober today, for I do
not deserve it, that's for sure.
Posting, sharing, and meetings are only tools.
Tools that help me get honest with myself. In the
end, that is all that matters. Self-honesty will bring
me to G-d - or it won't - but in the end, I will be
at rest knowing my own truth.
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1064. |
Tuesday ~ 17 Tamuz,
5771 ~ July 19, 2011
SHIVA ASAR BI'TAMUZ
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In Today's Issue
-
Shiva Asar
Bi'Tamuz:
Strengthening Our Walls
- Torah:
The Power of the 3
Weeks
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Category: Shiva Asar Bi'tamz
Strengthening Our Walls
Today is the fast of the 17th of
Tammuz which commemorates the breaching of the walls
of Jerusalem, leading to the subsequent fall of the
Beis Hamikdash.
Let us all stop and ask ourselves: "What behaviors
breach our walls
and lead to subsequent falls?"
LET'S MAKE SURE OUR WALLS ARE STRONG!
How?
Well the "TaPHSiC Method"
is one way. Download
the TaPHSiC Method PDF file (6 pages) to
learn this powerful "Shvuah" technique that has
helped many frum addicts stop their destructive
behaviors. You can also read the TaPHSiC Method
online at
this link.
Let us also make sure we have strong filters and
reporting software installed. If you have internet
on your Blackberry, we can send you a program to
delete the browser. If you have other types of cell
phones, we can help you find a filter and/or
reporting software. For computers, see this
page for one good filter option, along with
instructions on how to install it best - and give
away the password to our "filter Gabai"... See this
page for another 20 (or so) filter ideas and
information... We also highly
advise installing "Reporting
Software" such as webchaver.org to
give you some accountability, because filters alone
are usually not sufficient and they can often be
bypassed.
We all know what activities and sites bring us to
slips and falls. Let's stop watching non-Jewish
movies, let's delete our access to Facebook, Youtube,
GoogleVideo, etc.. any site that is a stumbling
block for us: Let there be no breaches in our
walls!
Now that we don't have the Beis Hamikdash, Hashem
looks for the Korbon Tamid every day in different
places... Those who give up these activities and
websites are considered in Shamayim as bringing
Korbonos in the Beis Hamikdash!
And in the zechus of strengthening our own personal
walls, may we merit to see the rebuilding of the
Beis Hamikdash speedily in our days.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Join "Helpfyi"
on the forum in
this thread to make a special effort at guarding
our eyes during the 3 weeks!
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Category: Torah > 3 Weeks
The Power of the 3 Weeks
The Zohar (in Chelek Beis, pg 78b) writes that Yakov
Avinu took the months of Nissan and Iyar for himself
(hence Yetziyas Mitzrayim, Kabbalas Hatorah), and
Eisav took the months of Tamuz and Av for himself
(and hence, the 17th of Tamuz and Tisha Be'av), but
only the first 9 days of Av belong to him.
It says in the Mishna
that they stopped gathering wood for the Mizbe'ach
from the 15th of Av and on, because the strength of
the sun finally breaks at that point, and the wood
for the Mizbe'ach must be gathered only while the
sun is at its strongest. (Once the sun is no longer
as strong, the wood can be slightly damp inside and
it won't burn as well.)
The Jewish people are
compared to the moon, which renews itself each
month. When Moshiach comes, the moon will be as
bright as the sun. Esav chose this world over
the next world, and the ruler of the heavens in this
world is
the sun. When the sun is the strongest, the koach of
Esav is the strongest. But only until Moshiach
comes...
The Beis Ahron of
Karlin at the end of Parshas Pinchas brings a
Medrash that says that the months of Tamuz, Av and
Elul have no Regalim in them. That is why Hashem
gave us three Regalim in the month of Tishrei, as if
to "pay us back". The Beis Ahron writes that the 3
weeks are a very high time. These 3 weeks symbolize
the 3 upper worlds (Ga"r or Gimmle Rishonos; Keser,
chachma and Bina), and according to Kabbala, these
three worlds are above time and space. That is why,
says the Beis Ahron, the 3 weeks are a time when
Hashem is so "hidden". Not because it is a "dark"
time, but rather because the world cannot be "Sovel"
(tolerate) the great light of this period of the
year. But when Moshiach comes, he writes, these
three weeks will be revealed and they will become
great Yomim Tovim. And the Beis Ahron ends by saying
that that is why we usually read Parshas Pinchas
during the 3 weeks, because Pinchas has in it all
the Regalim...
If you are finding
the struggle very difficult now, it is
understandable. The Koach of Esav is at its height
during the three weeks. From Rosh Chodesh Tamuz
until the 9th of Av is 39 days. We are now in
middle of those 40 days. At the end of these 40
days, the sun's strength starts to wane. That means
that in middle of the 40 days, the sun is at its
peak. Now is the most hidden time. The world cannot
be "sovel" the great light, and when the keilim are
not able to hold the light, they break. That is why
the walls of Yerushalayim were breached and the Beis
Hamikdash was destroyed. The "Keilim" of the yidden
were not worthy of maintaining the great light, so
when the light became the strongest, it broke the
vessels. And that is perhaps why so many of us are
struggling now more than any other time of the year.
But Rabboisai, the
wood for the Holy Mizbe'ach can only be gathered NOW
when the sun is at its PEAK. This
is perhaps because the greatest sacrifices for
Hashem are done in the most hidden times.
Davka now, the light of the Ge'ulah begins to
shine forth.
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1065. |
Sunday ~ 22 Tamuz,
5771 ~ July 24, 2011
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mazal Tov to GuardYourEyes on its 4th
Birthday!
In honor of our birthday, we would like to
unofficially launch a preliminary version of our new
website today.
The temporary URL of the English website's
Home-Page (under development) is:
guardyoureyes.com/live/breakingfree
GYE will also have a special website for
"Prevention" which will be for everyone, not only
those who struggle with these addictive behaviors.
It will contain filter help, Shmiras Ainayim phone
conferences and forums for parents and mechanchim to
exchange ideas. A very preliminary version of the
"Prevention" website
can be seen here.
Although we are still a few months away from
completing our website overhaul, there are already a
few features that can be useful to our community:
1)
Our Phone-Conference Calendar Page - This
page lists all the phone conferences currently
available on GYE (30 per week!).
2)
Our Therapist Referral System - Find a
therapist in your area who is trained to help people
deal with these issues.
3)
Our eBooks Page - Download many great PDF
files which can help you in your struggle.
4)
Our "Kosher Isle" - When feeling bored or
lethargic, don't gravitate to the bad sites. You can
find hundreds of Kosher websites with news,
entertainment and Torah to keep your mind occupied
in a Kosher way! (The old Kosher Isle can be found
here, but the new "Kosher Isle" currently has
very few links. We ask everyone to use the form on
the right side of the page to submit new items. For
an example of how the inside pages will look,
see here for the video-clips page of the Kosher
Isle).
5)
Our new Donation Page - Anonymous
recurring credit-card donations are now possible!
(Please help us finish the web development.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We are also launching thin versions of our Hebrew
and Yiddish websites today!
Hebrew Website
Yiddish Website
Even though they are far from complete, the current
versions of these websites can already be used as a
"base" for existing GYE services and materials in
Hebrew and Yiddish (such as our
Hebrew forum and our
Yiddish forum). Spread the word about these
sites and help us build a Hebrew and Yiddish
speaking GYE community!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
POWERFUL VIDEO ABOUT GYE
We encourage everyone to view this inspiring 15
minute video about GYE's work, which contains
excerpts from talks given
by:
-
R' Chaim Dovid Zwiebel, Executive Vice
President of Agudath Israel of America.
-
Rav Aharon Feldman, Mo'etzes Gedolei HaTorah.
-
Rabbi/Dr. Avraham J. Twerski, Founder of
Gateway Rehab Center.
-
Shalom's personal story (voice altered to
protect his identity).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Segulah of This Day
The original
Guardureyes.com website was launched on the 22cd
of Tamuz - exactly four years ago. The Yartzeit of
Rav Shlomo Karliner is also today, on the 22cd Tamuz.
Tzadikim say that although the 3 weeks are generally
a bad time to start anything new, the day of Rav
Shlomo's Yartzeit is a day when it is especially mesugal to
start something new, and to make a personal
RENEWAL. As a matter of fact, many Chassidim try
to find a new fruit on this day to make a "shehechiyanu".
It seems to be divinely orchestrated that the
Yartzeit of Rav Shlomo of Karlin and the birthday of
GuardYourEyes fall out on the same day, and here's
why:
Rav Shlomo Karliner was killed al Kiddush Hashem by
a Russian Cossack, and Tzadikim said he was the bechina of
Moshiach Ben Yosef. Yosef was born and died in the
month of Tammuz. This is because the Koach of Yosef
will one day overpower Esav as the Pasuk says "and
the house of Yosef will be a flame and the house of
Eisav will be like straw". Yosef's flame of
Kedusha will devour and eradicate the power of Eisav
from the world. But before Moshiach comes, Esav's
Koach seems to overpower Yosef during the three
weeks (as the Zohar says, that the month of Tamuz
belongs to Eisav now) and Yosef needs to "die" (be mistalek)
in order to combat Eisav. We all know that the death
of Moshiach Ben Yosef is an integral part of the
Ge'ulah. Only after Moshiach ben Yosef dies can
Moshiach Ben David reveal himself.
The GuardYourEyes
community is part of the light of Yosef that shines
forth after the holy bechina of
Yosef seems to have been "killed" - kaviyachol -
by Esav and all his impurities, just as the
bechina of Yosef (tikkun ha'Yesod) seems to have
been destroyed by the terrible promiscuity in the
world we live in today. Our network is perhaps a
harbinger of the Ge'ulah; the fulfillment of what
the holy Ohr Hachayim Hakadosh writes (Shemos 3:8),
that before Moshiach comes the Yidden will be
subjected to the 50th level of impurity (i.e. the
death of Yosef -Kaviyachol), yet they will
find the strength through the Koach HaTorah to enter
into the mouth of the Satan and remove that which he
had swallowed from his very mouth. ("Le'hotzi
Bo'loi Mi'piv", i.e.
using the power of the internet, the Satan's very
tool, to bring out the sparks of Kedusha that
had fallen prey to the 50th level of Tumah).
GYE is re-inspiring Klal Yisrael with the power of
Kedusha (which is the power of "restriction" -as
Chazal say, "wherever you find a geder
Erva, you find Kedusha"). We are fighting the
koach of Eisav in our generation, which is the power
of "Freedom" =
lack of restrictions. (Perhaps that is why
America's celebration of Freedom, July 4th,
usually falls out in Tamuz).
In the merit of the birthday of this holy community
of Hashem's "front-line soldiers" and the
Yartzeit of Rabbi Shlomo Karliner, let us take-hold
today of this power of renewal and bring forth the
Geulah!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Practical Tip for Today
In honor of GYE's B-day and the special segulah for
renewal that we discussed above, let us all
try to renew our commitment to guarding our eyes.
Here's one idea of a Kabbala that can be very
helpful in this regard:
"I am mikabel upon myself until after Tisha
Be'av, to donate $2 to GYE for every time I obsess
over something that is arousing to me by taking a
second and third look in any 15 second time-frame,
or if I gaze at something arousing to me for more
than 15 seconds in any given minute's time.
(If I looked while forgetting that I made this
Kabbala, I will not have to pay)."
Keep a little notebook in your pocket, and mark down
each time you slip.
Why does this work so well? Often we stumble
in shmiras ainayim because at the moment we
are faced with a nisayon, the Yetzer hara
makes us forget all the consequences and we figure
it can't really hurt to take a second look. He
actually makes us feel that it's in our best
interest to look! And by the time we convince
ourselves that it's really NOT in our best interest,
we already stumbled and saw what we shouldn't have.
With this Kabala however, we will be instantly
aware of the consequence of looking and we'll be
able to avert our gaze much quicker.
Try it; you'll be amazed at how well it works!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Few Recent Testimonials
"Sometime during my first desperate week trying
to stay clean, Hashem led me to GYE. It was like
being transported to a new planet. Suddenly I was
not alone anymore, there were so many others who
were struggling with similar issues AND SUCCEEDING.
I spent hours reading the handbook and browsing the
forums, and got tremendous chizuk from it!" - G.S
~~~~~~~~~
"My eternal thanks to you for the help you have
afforded me in my quest to be a real yid. I have
struggled with this for as long as I can remember
and to have a tool available 24/7 on the
very medium by which one can fall so hard is
invaluable. Yasher Kochachem!" - M.S
~~~~~~~~~
"Dear the webmaster. No words can express
the great mitzvah that you have, by saving me and
thousands from one of the worst sins in the Torah. You
really changed me and I will always remember it,
your zechus is great, it states in sefurim that
someone who prevents himself from hz"l or from asur
relations the mitzva is massive, so imagine how many
mitzvahs you have. Once again thank you so
much for Bringing the geula closer." - C.G
~~~~~~~~~
"Hi. I am an addiction counselor in yerushalayim.
I would like to receive from you several GYE
handbooks if that is possible, to give to my
clients. Many of them do not have access to the
internet or a computer, and so the PDF cannot help
them. Is this possible? Your website has good
acclaim. For one, I know that Dr. Hillel Davis of
Emek Refaim told me that every one of his clients
who used this site has benefited from it
tremendously." - A.T
(To purchase our
handbook in hard-copy, see
this link)
~~~~~~~~~
"I would like to thank you for your great work,
ever since I found it I'm a different person. I
haven't looked at shmutz since, and have guarded my
eyes on the street extremely well also. KEEP IT UP!"
- H.F
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Please help us continue saving people's
Yiddishkeit, Lives & Marriages.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Please use our
new donation page.
Credit Card donations by phone:
646-600-8100
Checks can be written out to "GYE Corp" and
mailed to:
GYE Corp.
3918 Fallstaff Rd.
Baltimore, MD, 21215
U.S.A
Tizke Lemitzvos!
GYE is a
recognized
501(c)(3) organization and donations to us
are tax deductible.
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1066. |
Monday ~ 2 Av, 5771
~ August 2, 2011
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good News - 1
Almost 60 Shmiras Ainayim Shiurim in MP3 format
available for download!
A zip file of 26 Shiurim from May-June
from the "Window's of the Soul" Shiur.
Download Here
A zip file of 15 shiurim from June
from the shiur on "Shmiras Ainayim & Chinuch".
Download Here
A zip file of 18 shiurim from July
from the shiur on "Shmiras Ainayim & Chinuch".
Download Here
To join the daily "Shmiras Ainayim & Chinuch"
shiur, just call in!
Sun - Thurs at 4:45 PM EST
Number: 209-647-1000 / Participant PIN: 616701
For more info on this group
see here.
For GYE's new phone conference page (with all
available phone groups)
click here.
Two e-mails we received:
"I wanted to let you know how much I enjoy the
shmiras einiyim conferences. The Maggid Shiur is an
extraordinary dynamic personality. And the subjects
mentioned are very much insightful, from a broad
range of sources; Chazal, Rishonim, Mussar and
Chassidus... It is a great chizuk for myself knowing
that I am not the only one working on this issue.
May you be blessed with much Siyatta Dishmaya in all
your Avodas Hakodesh."
"I listen to the playbacks of the daily shmiras
ainayim shiurim when I'm stuck in traffic. I really
enjoy them, they are very interesting, give great
and practical advice on keeping holy and avoiding
sin. The shiur helps me change a situation which is
stressful into one that is productive and rewarding.
Thanks!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good News - 2
New
Google-Spreadsheet with GYE's filter help.
In the past week, a number of experienced computer
technicians and other volunteers have offered to be
available to help anyone install filters or purchase
Kosher-phones. They can help you decide which
filters are best for you, and if necessary they will
even come down to your house to help you install the
filters.
We set up a special
Google Spread-Sheet for your convenience, which
contains information on all our filter-gabai's,
along with their contact info and locations.
At the bottom of the Google spreadsheet, you will
notice another three tabs:
1)
Other organizations that can help with filter
advice.
2)
A few numbers to find out info and order
"Kosher Cell Phones".
3)
Important filter links.
One day we hope to have volunteers in every Jewish
community in the world! If you have experience with
filters and want to be a volunteer to help Klal
Yisrael,
please let us know.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
Dear GYE,
Thank you for all your efforts. I would like to
share a story that I worked on, with all people
dealing with "our issues". It is part parable / part
fiction, but based on fact. I thought about
continuing to work on it or even finishing it, but I
think it is better off shared in its
imperfect/incomplete state - just like we are.
Thanks,
Daniel
My Nemesis
(Part 1 of 2)
It was a long hard day. The presentation had to be
perfect. The future of the company depended on it.
The livelihood of 12 families depended on it. They
all depended on me. No sweat. I knew we had a good
product. I knew how to sell it and I knew who to
sell it to.
I was just wrapping up the final details and
attaching the last of the documentation when I
decided that I needed a little break. A breath of
fresh air. I deserved it. I had long since said good
night the last of my co-workers and was bearing the
load alone. Even my boss had left as he mumbled
something about knowing that he was leaving it in
good hands and headed for the door. I was getting
tired, a little muddled, and even feeling a bit
sorry for myself.
I stepped outside, craving a cigarette to help me
unwind. I took a short stroll down an unfamiliar
alley near the office. My head turned to the sound
of blaring music, garish lights and a noisy crowd of
people I would never think of associating with. I
picked up the pace of my stroll to distance myself
from the scene but nonetheless was drawn by
unhealthy curiosity to see what had animated those
people. The imposing tattooed bouncer and the
glimpse of the spot-lit stage confirmed my hunch
that this was not a place I wanted, er... was
supposed to want, to enter. On my nonchalant stroll
back to the office I cast another wayward glance in
that general direction. It was then that I noticed
something moving in the trash near that
establishment's dumpster. I cautiously edged in that
general direction and in a poor attempt at cool
control, kicked over one of the trash bags.
I recoiled at what I saw. It was a huge muscular man
of indeterminate parentage and race, bound and
gagged, struggling mightily to free himself. I
smiled wanly to indicate that I wished him no harm,
not that I knew how to harm him if I could. When I
bent down, I noticed that his grimy T-shirt was
emblazoned with the none too encouraging words: "I
AM NOT YOUR FRIEND!" He smiled back at me with a
broken toothed smile and shrugged his shoulder
sheepishly with regard to the anti-social messaging
on his shirt. I pulled at the slimy rag stuffed in
his mouth and tied around his neck. Upon freeing it,
I was rewarded with an odor of sweat, cheap alcohol,
stale cigarettes and poorly digested food. I
proceeded to untie the unfortunate gentleman and
release him from his bondage. I stepped back to
further assist him, when I suddenly got a very brief
view of the largest fist I ever saw. The blow
shattered my glasses, while the impact and intense
pain blurred my vision. I unceremoniously sank to
the dirty pavement, barely aware of what hit me and
wholly unable to take control of the situation.
The sound of cloth ripping and the uncomfortable
breeze along my upper leg indicated to me that the
none to gentle giant had ripped my pocket clear off
my pants to access my wallet and keychain. In a
flash he was gone. I was not worried about my car
because there was no way he could know where it was
parked and there was no way he could know the
security code to the immobilizer on the vehicle. But
my house was a different story. He knew my address
and he had my keys. There was nothing other than a
short cab ride stopping him from entering my house,
my home, my mikdash ma'at. Nothing other than me. I
had not done such a good job of protecting myself.
But my wife, my teenage daughters and young
children, that was a different story. No one messes
with them and I have what it takes to protect my
family. I ran back to my office where I have a spare
set of car keys, I gave a last wistful look at the
computer with my unfinished work and ran down to my
car. I slammed the car into gear and raced off.
As I was driving like a madman, I wondered how I had
gotten myself into this mess. I knew the chronology
of events, but couldn't understand how I did not
foresee the consequences. My reverie was broken as I
reached my block and noticed the now familiar
hulking figure exiting the cab a few buildings away
from my home. He must have cleverly asked the driver
for an address other than my own in an attempt to
cover his tracks from the evil he was fiendishly
planning.
As the cab pulled away, I saw my chance. I switched
off the headlights and gunned the engine. The car
responded nicely as I noticed my new foe perfectly
framed against a trash dumpster. In a shockingly
powerful impact of metal against metal, I knew I had
caught him solidly between my now crumpled bumper
and the formerly undented municipal dumpster. The
unpleasant thought of the extensive body work needed
by my car paled into insignificance relative to the
need to stop this fiend. But I stared openmouthed
through the cracked windscreen of the vehicle as my
nemesis heaved the smoking wreck of my car off his
lower body. He writhed free of his intended
entrapment and headed resolutely towards my home.
I was incensed at his audacity to survive but was
not without recourse. I was home on reserve duty, so
I had my army issue fully equipped M-16 in the trunk
of my car. Shrugging off the mounds of paperwork and
explanations I would need to provide to my superiors
for using my personal weapon, I unlocked the trunk
and hefted the familiar weapon. Knowing my
neighborhood better than my stubborn foe, I raced up
stairs and across rooftops to get a clear shot at
the oversized outlaw as he climbed the outdoor steps
to my heretofore inviolable fortress of a home.
I loaded a steel-jacketed round into the chamber and
stared resolutely down the sniper scope as he came
into its crosshairs. I could swear that I saw him
smile as he stared back at me. I took a deep breath
and exhaled slowly to center myself and squeezed off
the golden shot. The "third eye", as we are taught,
appeared in a reassuring puff of blood, skull
fragments and brain matter. It seemed as familiar
and easy as in the mindless computer games I played
in my youth. He crumpled to the ground and wriggled
in what I thought were his death throes. But this
time the intended victim didn't stay down.
I knew he was strong but didn't realize how
superhumanly strong. No problem, I loaded a RPG
shell into the under-barrel launcher. The shell
launched with the reassuringly familiar metallic
thump and raced the short distance sputtering sparks
until it hit. The explosion, which would have
destroyed an armored vehicle, shockingly only left a
scorch mark on his ratty T-shirt. The sooty remnants
gave him an even more sinister impression. His
T-shirt now read "I AM YOUR END". "No! You are not"
I shouted silently to myself. I half-heartedly
emptied the rest of the clip in his direction. Most
of the bullets found their mark but I knew they were
veritably useless against this monster. He neared
the door of my home with a leering grin on his ugly
face as I jumped from my vantage point, one flight
above his location. I was not going to let him in to
my home, even if it killed me. The stench of his
hellish odor was nearly enough to overpower me. He
stumbled as I landed on him and punched, kicked and
scratched at any part of his body that I could
reach. He recoiled from my onslaught and shrunk away
from me, but I did not let up. I knew the battle was
mine and I had to finish it. He smiled up at me from
the ground as I had my heel on his neck. He
sputtered out, "You win today, but tomorrow is
another day". It wasn't a threat or a promise, it
was just the truth. I was shocked at the revelation
and he took the opportunity of my distraction to
disappear.
To be continued tomorrow...
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1067. |
Tuesday ~ 3 Av, 5771
~ August 3, 2011
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Good News!
Drop of your device and get filters installed
FREE!
As a result of yesterday's announcement about having
a team of technicians willing to help people install
filters, someone suggested that we contact
ID Tech Solutions. We got in touch with the head
of the company and he was happy to be of assistance
as well. He has 3 technicians in Lakewood and 4
technicians in Brooklyn. Anyone who wants can drop
off their computers, laptops, mobile devices, etc.
at their offices and they will install filtering
software for you for FREE.
Please see our
Google Spread-Sheet for all the information on
what numbers to call, who to be in touch with, and
the location of the offices.
At the bottom of the Google spreadsheet, you will
notice another three tabs:
1)
Other organizations that can help with filter
advice.
2)
A few numbers to find out info and order
"Kosher Cell Phones".
3)
Important filter links.
One day we hope to have volunteers in every Jewish
community in the world! If you have experience with
filters and want to be a volunteer to help Klal
Yisrael,
please let us know.
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Someone shared a
story that they worked on, and they asked us to
share with all people dealing with these issues.
Yesterday we brought part 1, and today we bring the
final piece. He wrote:
"The story is part parable / part fiction, but
based on fact. I thought about continuing to work on
it or even finishing it, but I think it is better
off shared in its imperfect/incomplete state - just
like we are."
Thanks,
Daniel"
My Nemesis
(Part 2 of 2)
My wife opened the door as she heard the commotion
and asked in a startled tone, "What happened? You
look terrible!". Realizing how little of my battles
she or anyone else was aware of, I told her that I
totaled the car as I swerved to avoid hitting a cat.
The lie came easily and was easily believed by my
eshes chayil who knew nothing of my vices, lies and
battles. I looked down at the laptop bag slung
across my shoulder and realized that my nemesis was
nearer than I ever let myself believe.
I woke the next morning after a fitful and
unrefreshing night's sleep. I looked horrible and
felt worse. My eshes chayil prepared a nice
nutritious breakfast that I ignored as much as I
ignored her. I grabbed the aluminum insulated travel
coffee mug, hoping that the jolt of steaming sugary
caffeinated liquid would compensate for my poor
sleeping habits. As I headed for the door along with
my ubiquitous laptop bag, I looked ever so much like
the image of a successful frum businessman I tried
so hard to project. I could see my wife's concerned
if not anguished expression but I did not have the
emotional energy to meet her gaze. I gently shut the
door and reentered my world.
Having crashed the car the night before, I had to
take the bus. This was already a step down from my
ego catering lifestyle; sitting among the lower
echelons of society was downright distressing. I
mentally mocked virtually each fellow traveler as I
wished to explain to the world that I belong in a
higher plane of existence and that I am only
temporarily here because my car was in the shop due
to my unfortunate accident last night. Needless to
say, no one received my lame explanation and
obviously no one would have cared either. I wondered
if any of these simple people fought the battles
that I fought. Did they already lose? Did they win?!
Did they care??
My reverie was broken when I realized that I was the
last person on the bus and the bus was no longer in
a neighborhood that I recognized. The bus driver
turned around and shouted at me "End of the Line!"
as the recognition that it was none other than my
erstwhile foe in the driver's seat hit me. I let out
a horrified shriek of recognition and jumped off the
bus. I heard the cackle of his horrible gloating
laugh at my plight as I ran. I searched for a quiet
corner to collect my thoughts and reorient my game
plan. I had the critical business meeting at 1:00pm
and about an hour's worth of preparation before the
meeting. I still had some time to kill before I
needed to head off to the meeting. I sat on a park
bench and began touching up the presentation. Some
good quality photos would really enhance the visual
impact I was shooting for. The problem was, that
there was no wireless coverage where I was sitting.
Using my laptop as some sort of high-tech divining
rod, I followed the bars to a street corner near
where I needed to be. I noticed an abandoned shell
of a building that would provide me with the privacy
and shade I needed to finish my work. I started to
search for the photos that I needed and was sort of
shocked when some unintended photos joined the
visual parade of images assaulting my eyes, brain
and soul. The first couple of images didn't throw
me, except perhaps off-balance, as I felt that they
didn't affect me. But one particularly appalling and
appealing image did in fact finally suck me in.
It was 7 hours later when I looked down in horror at
my cell phone; 18 missed phone calls. I check my
email and noticed among the trashy spam a sickening
trail of "where are you?" emails. The emails and
phone messages start off with an encouraging "I hope
all is A-OK with the presentation" from my boss,
continue with a "Call me when you get a chance", go
on to "did you change the meeting time with the
client?", and then "Where are you?" and "Are you
OK?!", and "If you are in trouble then OK, but if
you are OK then you are in trouble!!!". Some more
messages from my wife and co-workers trying to track
me down. Unbeknownst to all of them, I was not far
from where I was supposed to be.
I looked around in the shell of the building where I
had been holed up and noticed that some other
nefarious characters had joined me in my presumed
solitude. The snickers on their faces indicated that
they had been peering over my shoulder at my
indiscretions. I recognized my nemesis and some of
his cohorts but he did not look so scary anymore. In
the dim light he even looked vaguely familiar. He
looked shockingly like me.
Before I could react, a bright light was shone into
the dark cavernous room where we had been holed up.
My nemesis and his cohorts scrambled to escape the
bright light. Men in black suits of armor charged
into the mayhem. Some of the miscreants went down
without a fight, others struggled futilely until
they were subdued. I looked on with a sense of
detachment, pleased at the triumph of the
approaching forces. That was until I was caught up
in the assault. Gruff hands threw me to the ground.
I tried to protest but a knee in my back and the
awkward position of my arm behind my back precluded
any physical resistance. I shouted that I was not
with them and not part of their anti-social
behavior. I reached for my laptop with my free hand
to show them that I was a fine upstanding
businessman. The officer kicked the computer out of
my reach as he told me, "Go tell it to the judge!".
A crowd of onlookers gathered at the perimeter of
the police line surrounding the incident area. They
looked disparagingly at the motley crew of misfits
being hauled up from the bowels of the construction
site. The glare of headlights and rotating strobes
merged with the flashes of camera crews covering the
incident. I blinked and shielded my eyes from the
blinding assault on my vision. "Is that you?!" a
voice shouted at me from the behind the cordon. It
was my boss and I wished to avoid him more than
anyone else. The cameras had already captured my
identity and were rapidly if not instantly
transmitting it to their news desks.
My boss reached over the lines and grabbed me by the
lapel of my now rumpled suit and begged me to
explain. I had no explanation for him or anyone
else. The presentation I had invested so much time
and energy into was ancient history. The clients had
decided to give a multi-year contract to our
competitor for his inferior product. There would be
cutbacks at our place if not a shutdown, because of
my failure. The financial repercussions in each of
the homes to be affected were beyond comprehension.
I noticed my wife standing off to the side, holding
her coat closed, hugging herself as if for warmth,
though it was not a particularly cold evening. She
looked tired and worn but still exuded that stubborn
strength that I always admired. The thought of
losing her as well was more than I could bear.
I could see the news reporters having a field day
with the story - "Frum Guy found in the depths of
decadent depravity". People who knew me and used to
respect me would cringe at their memories of me.
Thousands of others would use the story to
concretize their self-serving negative bias against
frum people. My children would be embarrassed to
show their faces in school or around the
neighborhood. I could only imagine the taunts that
they would receive. My wife would be assaulted with
feelings of insecurity and anxiety. The Chillul
Hashem would be of biblical proportions. I could not
imagine facing Hashem in tefilla ever again.
My despondent thoughts were interrupted by the words
of the incident commander who addressed me sternly.
"This time, we weren't looking for you! We found the
pervert we were looking for! - You are free to go."
I surprised myself at my lack of enthusiasm for the
reprieve. I was half hoping for some brutal
punishment as penance to help settle the score.
I gathered up my computer, knowing that it secrets
had been laid bare to the officers in charge. I
shuffled out of the huddle of brawny special tactics
officers towards the perimeter tape. I bent down low
to get under it. As I stood up, the tape knocked the
yarmulke off of my head. I bent down and put it
back on, squared my shoulders and walked off.
How does the story continue?
That is up to you.
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1068. |
Monday ~ 15 Av, 5771
~ August 15, 2011
Tu Be'Av
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In Today's Issue
- Announcement:
Elya's Call
Tonight: Is Sobriety Enough?
-
Tu be'Av:
A Time for Love
- Parables, Attitude:
An Important
Letter for Every Jew
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Announcement
Elya invites everyone to his weekly
phone group tonight at
9:00 p.m. EST on the topic:
"Is Sobriety Enough?"
712-429-0690 PIN 225356
Click here for more info on Elya's Call
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Category: Tu Be'Av
A TIME
FOR LOVE
By Yitzchak
Today is the 15th day of the month of Av [Tu B'Av]...This
day is an auspicious day for love-especially the
love between a man and his wife....this was the day
that the tribes of Israel were allowed to marry with
the members of the tribe of Benjamin after a ban
previous to this date....this is the day that is
traditionally set aside for engagements and weddings
in days of old as well as in contemporary times ...
We learned from last week's Parsha-Vaetchanan (your
Bar Mitzva parsha), with regard to the Mitzvah of
Loving Hashem, that the essence of the obligation to
love Hashem , is not the actual feeling of love
[that is a gift from Above], but rather the effort
invested in opening up our heart to love and
experience the love [see the Ohr HaChaim on the
Parsha for an elaboration of this point]...The same
can be said for the love between a couple ... the
real challenge and effort involved is to open the
heart to love one another....
A few years ago, I created a series of marriage
meditations based on the teachings of our
Sages....Looking back on these meditations, I see
that their common essential point was to provide
meditative methods for opening the heart to
love.....
Click here to download these
meditations which can assist us to realize the goal
of opening our hearts to love-the energy of the day
and the challenge of our lives ...
These are the teaching's methods or awareness for
opening our heart's to love each other;
1. being aware that 'ME" perception becomes 'WE"
perception
2. being aware that we should see each other as
being a king and queen
3. being aware that marriage is forever
4. being aware that Gd is a couple's lifelong
matchmaker
5. being aware that giving creates love
6. being aware of our aloneness together with our
togetherness
7. being aware of the importance of maintaining
faithfulness and stability
8. being aware that what's good for you is good for
me
9. being aware that two separate people become one
10. being aware of how to cope together with life's
constant challenges
11. being aware of the holiness of our Union
12. being aware of the quality of our communication
13. being aware of the importance of harmony and
peace of our relationship.
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Category: Parables, Attitude
AN IMPORTANT LETTER FOR EVERY JEW
To my star pupil,
I am writing this letter to let you know what I
think of you. Up here in heaven things are not like
they are down on Earth. Over there, people only know
what they can see. If they see a person is
"successful", they think that he is the greatest
guy. When they see somebody struggling, they think
he might be one of the weaker elements.
Let me tell you something. Hashem gives every person
certain abilities that nobody knows about down where
you live. Some people are capable of tremendous
things, while others were put there for much smaller
purposes. Only Hashem in His infinite wisdom is able
to give every person exactly what he needs, to reach
his potential.
I am very misunderstood. Most people hate me, and I
don't really blame them. Most people think that my
job is to make sure that they fail in all aspects of
Mitzvos, and that I rejoice every time they sin.
This is the furthest thing from the truth. Did you
ever watch a boxing coach train his student? It is
really a funny sight. The coach will put on gloves,
and fight against his student. At first, he won't
hit him so hard, or throw his best punches. But, as
the student gets better and better, the coach will
start to fight him harder and harder. He does this
so that the student will improve his skills, and
become the best boxer he can be. This is where it
gets strange. Every time the coach knocks down the
student, the student gets yelled at!! But finally,
when the coach threw everything he has at his
student, and not only does he withstand the beating,
but he knocks the coach down, there is nobody in the
world happier then the coach himself!
This is exactly how I feel. If you fail right away,
and don't even try to fight back, I see that there
is not much talent to work with, and so I take it
easy on you. But if you get back up swinging, I
realize that I may have a real winner here, and so I
start to intensify the beating. With every level
that you go up, I increase the intensity of the
fight. If you finally deal me a blow that knocks me
out, I will get up and embrace you and rejoice with
your success.
Sometimes my job is very disappointing I see a
person with a lot of potential and I start right in
on him. He fights back for a while, but when the
fight gets too tough, he quits and just remains on
whatever level he was on. (And he usually ends up
going down!) I feel like yelling at him, "Get up you
fool! Do you have any idea how much more you could
be accomplishing?!" But I am not allowed to do so. I
just leave him alone, and go try to find another
promising candidate.
If I have chosen you to be the target of my more
fierce battles, it was not for no reason! You have
tremendous ability! You were born into a very
special family, you have Rabbeim who really care
about you, and parents who would help you grow in
Torah and Mitzvos. You are a very respectful and
kind person.
I am writing to you now, because I have a very
serious request to ask of you. Please don't step
fighting! Don't give up! I have been beating too
many people lately, and I am losing patience,
Believe in yourself, because I would not be involved
with you as much as I am if I didn't think you could
beat me. Know what your strengths are! A great Rabbi
once said: "Woe is to he who doesn't know his
weaknesses. But, 'Oy Vavoy' to him who doesn't know
his strengths - for he will not have anything with
which to fight."
Always remember one thing: you have a secret weapon
at your disposal. I shouldn't really be telling you
- but I will anyway. Hashem himself is watching our
"training" sessions very closely. I'm pleased to
inform you that He's rooting for you! If things
should ever get tough, almost too tough to bear,
just callout to Him with a prayer, and He will
immediately come to your aid. I wish you the best of
luck, and I hope that after 120 years when your time
is up in that world of falsehood, you will come up
here to the world of truth, where I will be waiting
for you with open arms, to congratulate you on your
victory, and personally escort you to your place
next to the Kisey HaKavod.
Sincerely, and with great admiration I remain,
Your Yetzer Hara
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1069. |
Monday ~ 29 Av, 5771
~ August 29, 2011
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Turning Our Whole Lives Over To Hashem
With Rosh Chodesh Elul coming tonight, are we
sighing and asking ourselves "will my Teshuvah be
any different this year?"
Here are ten life-changing minutes from Rav Avraham
Schorr shlit"a on teshuva mei'ahava. You can hear it
at
this link
(go to time index 20:30 - 30:50).
We'd like to thank an anonymous member for sending
it to us and transcribing / adapting his words
(below). He wrote: "I felt like he was talking
directly to us at GuardUrEyes."
(Click here to see a Haskama from Rav Avraham
Schorr to GYE.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"One thing I've asked from Hashem, that I dwell in
the house of Hashem all the days of my life..."
-Psalm 27
"All the days of my life" doesn't mean from now
until I go away from this world. It means
from the day I was born until the day I
pass away from this world.
What kind of request is this?! If I didn't sit in
the beis medrash for the last twenty years, then how
can I request from the Master of the Universe to
dwell in the house of Hashem all the days of my
life?
What is the request of "all the days of my life?"
The biggest disturbance for a person to do teshuva
is one of two things.... either the past, or the
future.
Reb Nachman Breslover says in Likkutei Moharan that
the reason why
עתּה
(now) is a language of teshuva is because a person
can't do teshuva if he thinks about the past or if
he thinks about the future.
If a person thinks about the past and sees what he
did in the past, and the evil inclination reminds
him how his nights were spent, his past thoughts and
actions, he thinks he can't do teshuva, the mountain
is much too big.
He thinks he doesn't have any hope for the future.
And if a person is only twenty years old, and he has
to accept upon himself fifty, sixty, and seventy
years of being good, 'how can I take upon myself
such a big job?!'
So עתּה (now)
is a language of teshuva: The power of teshuva is
only thinking about the present moment!!!
Don't worry about yesterday, don't worry about
tomorrow, NOW do
the Master of the Universe's will!
That's the power of teshuva.
How Does it Work?
How do we ask the Master of the Universe, "One thing
I asked of Hashem...[all the days of my life? What
happened in the past, happened!]"
It says further at the end of Psalm 27, "For there
have risen against me false witnesses who breathe
violence."
There's an incredible piece from the Chasam Sofer,
and we have to be "believers, and the children of
believers" in the words of the Chasam Sofer, and
believe it with complete faith.
You'll come up to the Next World, and there'll come
witnesses. The Sitra Achra, the Satan, the Angel of
Death will come with two witnesses that you went on
this and this night and did this and this sin,
Heaven forbid. They'll come and testify that you did
this sin.
Comes the Master of the Universe saying that the Yid
did teshuva from love! He never went there, he went
to the beis medrash that night! Because teshuva from
love transforms sins into veritable merits! All the
nights that you went and did something wrong
suddenly became a trip to the beis medrash! It
became a mitzva!
"For there have risen against me false witnesses"-
says the holy Chasam Sofer, they'll say testimony
you did a sin - but it's FALSE! Because you did
teshuva.
If you do teshuva with truth, then indeed you "dwell
in the house of Hashem all the days of your life."
Even all the past (sinful) days became "dwelling in
the house of Hashem."
And there's no problem for the future, because all
you have to do is an emes'dike (truthful) teshuva
from love to the Master of the Universe.
How Can I do Teshuva Me'Aahaava?
What does teshuva from love mean?
We look at teshuva me'ahava like something we cannot
grasp.
As if it's beyond our capabilities.
You know what teshuva from love means?
The holy books explain what teshuva from love means
- and every single one of us can do this teshuva -
when a person commits sins, it holds him back from
coming close to the Master of the Universe.
We all know that our sins make a barrier between us
and the Master of the Universe.
Teshuva from love means that I want to get close to
the Master of the Universe.
I want to have love of Hashem, love of the Master of
the Universe. I can't, because the sins don't let
me, so I want to do teshuva in order to get love
of Hashem.
It doesn't mean teshuva because I have love
of Hashem, it means teshuva because I want to
become a lover of Hashem!
And I know that all this time I'm committing sins I
can't be a lover of Hashem, because the sins don't
let me have true love of Hashem.
So I want to do teshuva to become a lover of
Hashem, in fulfillment of "you shall love Hashem
your G-d with all your heart, soul and resources."
That's teshuva from love.
And if that's what brings a person to teshuva, which
Yid doesn't want to cleave to the Master of the
Universe?
Which Yid doesn't have the will to cleave unto
Hashem?
Every Yid wants to be close to the Master of the
Universe!
I don't mean by writing a bumper sticker: "We love
Hashem."
By that we don't fulfill love of Hashem. That's not
what love of Hashem means.
Love of Hashem means you REALLY want love of Hashem.
And if you want to really have love of Hashem, you
know that our lifestyle in this world prevents love
of Hashem.
So a person does teshuva because he wants to become
a lover of Hashem, that's how he merits: "One thing
I have asked of Hashem". That's what you're asking
for, "to dwell in the house of Hashem all my days!"
From the day I was born I can be a "dweller in the
house of Hashem."
How? I'll do teshuva from love.
It turns over everything!
EVERYTHING becomes "dwelling in the house of Hashem."
Can you imagine what that means?
You know what the evil inclination tells us? We
can't get there. It's impossible for us to do.
You're a lost case anyway. You can't do teshuva.
It's not true, but that's what the evil inclination
tells you.
The truth is, that the Master of the Universe holds
forth His hand to accept penitents, making it so we could do
teshuva, accepting our teshuva, taking our teshuva.
We have the ability to completely change our lives!
The whole past becomes mitzvos! A gift from the
Master of the Universe!
If you realize what it means, teshuva from love,
your sins becoming veritable merits, believing it
with complete faith, that every sin you did becomes
a mitzva!
There was a Yid called Reb Chaim Dovid "Doctor". He
was a big baal-teshuva.
If one reads history of the Austrian Empire,
approximately 180-200 years ago, there was a big
doctor of the army, he wrote prescriptions, they
still have his prescriptions.
He became a baal-teshuva. Reb Dovid Lelover brought
him close in teshuva.
At the end of his days, the holy Tiferes Shlomo
(Rabbi Shlomo Rabinovich of Radomsk) went to pay him
a sick visit.
The Tiferes Shlomo was standing by his bed, and Reb
Chaim Dovid was sighing.
The Tiferes Shlomo wanted to comfort him: "Your
earlier (pre-teshuva) years fall away," thinking the
patient was sighing on the days he did sins and
wasn't a frum Yid, employing language used by a
nazirite to comfort him.
(The patient) gave a jump up in bed and said, "I
don't give away one sin... because the sins became
merits."
I heard from the holy Beis Yisroel (Rabbi Yisroel
Alter of Gur), may the memory of the righteous and
holy be for a blessing, it says in Parshas
Ki-Seitzei, "You shall not reject an Edomite, for he
is your brother" (Deut. 23:8), interpreting the word
"Edomite" (a connotation of redness) to refer to
one's past sins. Don't minimize them, you know why?
For they are "your brother -
כּי אחיך",
an acronym for the verse in Isaiah 1:18: "אם יהיו חטאיכם כּשנים כּשלג ילבּינו
- If your sins are like scarlet they will become
white as snow."
Your sins can come back to be white like snow! Can
come to be mitzvos!
"Don't reject the Edomite (your sins), for
it is your brother." ..."If your sins are like
scarlet they will become white as snow."
That's the power of teshuva. The power of teshuva is
to turn over over sin into a mitzva.
If a person believes that with complete faith,
truthfully believing in the words of the Sages, that
teshuva from love turns sins into veritable merits,
who would give up such a chance?!
We all know what we did. We all know the sins that
we have.
And we can suddenly take that and bring it back. We
can make that all mitzvos, who wouldn't want to cash
in on such a thing?!
When the government says, you can throw in your
(guns?) and cash it in, everybody runs.
The Master of the Universe is telling you, "Give me
your sins and I will give you back mitzvos!"
How can you give up such a gift from the Master of
the Universe?
That's what we have to believe.
That's the teitch of "One thing I've asked
from Hashem," with one teshuva from love, with
one emes-dike (truthful) teshuva, I can thereby
"dwell in the house of Hashem all the days of my
life!"
The Panim Yafos (Rabbi Pinchas HaLevi Horowitz)
explains the verse in Psalm 25, "Remember not the
sins of my youth and my rebellions; may You remember
for me [the deeds] worthy of Your kindness, because
of Your goodness, Hashem."
King David says not to remember the sins, because of
Hashem's kindness. Says the Panim Yafos, on "Your
kindness" - when it will be teshuva from love, then
DO remember my sins. When I do teshuva from love,
then I DO want You to remember my sins, because I
want that the sins should become mitzvos.
That's what we have to remember.
We have to remember the power of teshuva from love.
That we have the ability to do teshuva from love.
Don't think it's just something for the level of
tzaddikim.
In our generation the Master of the Universe accepts
teshuva from love, meaning when we feel distant from
Him and want to become close to him.
We all have the ability to do such a teshuva, so why
don't we cash in?
The answer is that something is missing in our
belief.
For some reason or another we don't believe
that it can happen.
It's beyond our belief that all my sins can become
mitzvos.
We have to talk about it and talk about it until we
believe it!
That in truth, teshuva from love turns our sins into
veritable merits!
That when we merit to do teshuva from love, we bring
all the sins back and they become mitzvos, and we'll
be able to go into the Day of Judgement with only
mitzvos!
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1070. |
Wednesday ~ 1 Elul,
5771 ~ September 1, 2011
Rosh Chodesh Elul
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In Today's Issue
-
Download:
Life Changing Message from Rav Avrohom Schorr
Shlit"a
- Tips:
The 3rd Look Tip
- Daily Dose of Dov:
Obsessed with
getting a Lamborghini?
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Download this Life-Changing Message
The 10 minute drasha on Teshuvah Me'Ahava that we
brought in Chizuk e-mail #1069 from Rav Avraham
Shcorr Shlit"a, can be downloaded
over here (right click and choose "Save
Target/Link As").
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Category: Tips
The 3rd Look Tip
A member wrote in recently:
"The practical tip you brought on GYE's B-day (22
Tamuz) in Chizuk e-mail #1065 has been extremely
helpful to me in the past month, and I think you
should stress it more - especially for Chodesh Elul.
I've always wanted to learn to guard my eyes, but
it's so easy to slip and I used to have a mental
block that seemed to compel me to look. But
with this Kabala, I have found that the mental block
disappears and it's so much easier to guard my eyes.
Thank you!"
Since this tip seems to really help people, we'll
officially name it "The 3rd Look Tip" and
here's how it works:
"The
first look's on G-d, the second on me, and the third
on GYE!"
Here's an example of the 3rd look tip
Kabbala you can make today, Lechavod Rosh
Chodesh Elul:
"I am mikabel upon myself until after Yom
Kippur to donate $2 to GYE for every time I obsess
over something that is arousing to me by taking a
second and third look in any 15 second time-frame,
or if I gaze at something arousing to me for more
than 15 seconds in any given minute's time.
(If I looked while forgetting that I made this
Kabbala, I will not have to pay)."
Keep a little notebook in your pocket, and mark down
each time you slip.
Why does this work? Often we stumble in
shmiras ainayim because at the moment we are
faced with a nisayon, the Yetzer hara makes
us forget all the consequences and we figure it
can't really hurt to take a second look. He actually
makes us feel that it's in our best interest to
look! And by the time we convince ourselves that
it's really NOT in our best interest, we already
stumbled and saw what we shouldn't have. With this
Kabala however, we will be instantly aware of
the consequence of looking and we'll be able to
avert our gaze much quicker.
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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story
here.
Obsessed with getting a Lamborghini?
Someone asks Dov:
What does it mean "giving up your right to lust"?
How is that different than the concept of not taking
the first drink?
Dov responds:
My sponsor used to use that lingo a lot and SA's
White Book has it somewhere, too. I use it because,
to me, it means that my biggest problem is when I
think I can afford to partake of lusting (and
eventually also other things like feeling sorry for
myself, burning jealousy, resentment, etc.)
It's kind of like not
having money to spend on some basics, yet struggling
with a strong desire for a huge house, fancy car,
etc. It really only drives me crazy as
long as I am harboring a secret fantasy that I
actually ought
to be
able to spend such moneys - so it feels deeply
unfair. "Look what everybody
else can
have!"
The guy who wants
a nicer car might have jealousy and longing that
hurt terribly and make it impossible for him to let
go of his obsession with that pretty Pontiac. He may
even start to hate other people with nicer cars, and
feel sorry for himself with his embarrassing 1997
Malibu. But who among us is obsessed with getting a
new Bentley
or Lamborghini? They are completely out of our
league. We do not take the desire that seriously
enough for it to have a real emotional impact on our
lives. And even if we do desire it, it does not
become an obsession with us, because we are aware
that we cannot afford it - it's nuts. That is, we surrender
our right to have it because
of reality.
The chains of
imagined entitlements fester in us for
years while our resentment to G-d and feelings of
inferiority and arrogance become so intertwined with
our lusting (for
sex, or even for other stuff), that they are
indistinguishable to us! So when we lust or act out,
we often find that we also have lots of emotional
pain. We may blame it on the evil of our lusting. We
may co-incidentally feel we are worthless garbage,
G-d must hate us, or get fired up at others for all
sorts of things or people (makes no difference
whether for valid reasons or not). We have had many
fights as a result of our lusting, and gotten
wrapped up in lust as a result of many fights.
Chicken-egg, egg-chicken....even the
Colonel couldn't
figure it out! It's a mevuchah. And then
there are the other people faced with us - our
wives, children, coworkers, friends, etc. They need
to actually live with
us whether we are having attacks, or not. Poor
folks.
On the other hand,
once we give up on our ability to afford such things
in the first place, the landscape is changed. We
forfeit our perceived right to have such things.
Sure, all our problems don't go away - but instead
of painful confusing feelings intermingled with
lust, our lust problems tend to be just what they are: lust.
It's a different battle now. Instead of being waged
in a fight to the death with 'desire' (poor me/tzaddik
me/gibor me...), rather, it is clearly a struggle to
the death between me and a
lunatic (my
goofy body and addiction). A lunatic, that's all.
That's why
psychoanalyzing our lust, relating it to abuse and
other trauma, is basically blaming. It makes the
lusting 'respectable', for it is in response to
something. Most people I know are not helped much by
that stuff. Sure abuse needs to be faced (with good
help), but our lusting is still just plain old lust.
It's unacceptable lunacy - unless one sincerely
believes he or she can afford it. I am not
addressing such a case, though there are surely many
people who believe they can afford to keep using
lust (and that's why they do!).
If we really believe
that we do not have the ability to afford to
take in a porn image or to get what we would like to
get from taking-in that lady's great body image,
then we will be able to ask Hashem to save us from
the compulsion (and from the devastating pain we
have after passing up the sweet opportunity). If we
still believe we have the right to try to get those
things we admire so much (nice body, etc.), we will
feel sorry for ourselves and be confused about why
Hashem isn't giving us what is clearly a very nice
thing.
Is that clear yet?
It's not the entire solution, but certainly a very
big part of it.
Your friend Dov
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1071. |
Friday ~ 3 Elul,
5771 ~ September 2, 2011
Erev Shabbos Parshas Mishpatim
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In Today's Issue
-
Announcement:
Shmiras Ainayim Shiurim from August
-
Mazal Tov Jack:
3 Years Clean on GYE
- Tips > Filters:
A Useful Password
Tool
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Announcement
A Zip file of the daily "Shmiras Einayim" Shiurim of
August (22 shiurim) is
available here.
(right-click and select "Save Target/Link As")
The
popular Shmiras Ainayim Shiur takes place
Sun-Thursday, 4:45 PM. Join us!
See
this page for more information
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Mazal Tov to Jack on 3 Years!
(See a timeline of Jack's first 90 days clean
over here)
Words of inspiration from Jack on his 3rd
Year clean on GYE:
This Friday is my 3 year anniversary with GYE.
It's sort of a
yahrtzeit - that's right, part of me died, a big
part of the Yetzer Hara died.
Anniversaries are for looking back and seeing if
we've moved forward. And I certainly have cut out a
big part (not all, yet) of trash.
I would like to give you my observations that I've
made over the last 3 years, in case anyone's
interested:
All the books about this are important - but it's
not enough to read. Even the group support, which is
THE most important tool in battles against
addiction, is not enough. When all is said and done
and we go home, we are by ourselves. The meetings
are over, all the books have been read and re-read,
and we still are by ourselves when night comes.
That's when the REAL battle begins. And at that
point, we have to 'white knuckle' it. Yes, brute
force is needed. Even if you call your sponsor, you
eventually hang up, and that's when you have to take
the bull by the horns and ask yourself the following
questions:
1 - Do I want to go into that vicious cycle again?
Up, down, up, down, etc???
2 - Do I want to have that image from the screen in
my head for the next 3 months or more?
3 - Do I want to have those images from the screen
in my head during tekias shofar??
4 - Do I want to be chained to something bad??
5 - Do I want to feel guilty again for doing what I
know is wrong??
If you answered yes to any of these questions, then
you need more work. Because no one should ever
answer 'yes' to any of these questions. If you
answered no, then now is the time to bite the
bullet, and granted, it's not easy to bite a bullet.
ADDICTION IS DARKNESS. FREEDOM FROM ADDICTION IS
LIGHT.
ADDICTION IS UGLY.
FREEDOM FROM ADDICTION IS BEAUTIFUL.
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Join Jack now in Elul and take the plunge.
Resolve to make it into the Yamim Nora'im with a big
clean streak. Help others so that your merit will
grant you siyatta dishmaya,
mida kineged
midah.
See this thread on our forum:
The $90 for 90 days Golden Plan
Make the commitment. Take the Jump!
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Category: Tips > Filters
A Useful Password Tool
By "Chaim K"
Download the
.Cab file
here, unzip it into a folder and run the "Tafsik
Please.exe"
This is simple tool I developed to make breaking
into your filter a bit harder.
If a person really wants to break into a filter he
can. This tool is for a person that wants to leave
all this behind but falls due to momentary
temptation.
It can be difficult to have access to your filter's
password and in a moment of weakness use it to break
into the filter. It might be of help if at any given
time, you would have time to think hard, before
punching in your filter's password. At the same time
not having access to the password at all can pose a
problem.
This app will generate a password for you. Once
generated, you paste and set it as your filter's
password. Once your password is stored, make sure
you do not write it down; it is safely stored away.
There is no need to look at or store your password
at all.
That you do not know your filter's password does not
mean it is locked down forever. You can gain access
to your password but you must make a request for it
and wait 72 hours before it will be made available.
In 72 hours I believe you will have made up your
mind whether or not you really need that password.
You can decide to cancel the request whenever you
like (which will reset the timer). This is not based
on your system's clock.
Feel free to use this app; it is free.
I made it for myself and I hope it can help others.
I included a donate button for those who wish do so.
Best of luck to you!!!
Note from GYE: This app can only be used for one
password at a time. Once you generate a new
password, the old one is erased.
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Free Books
An anonymous
donor (Yitzi) is willing to sponsor the following
four books for anyone who does not have them (and
commits to reading them bl"n).
1. The 'Guard
Your Eyes' Hand Book-
From GYE, containing 20 practical tools in
progressive order, on how to break free of these
addictive behaviors, as well as 30 Attitude and
Perspective Principles on this struggle.
2. The Light of
Ephraim - A book in story format, with great
lessons and perspective on purity struggles.
3. Windows of the
Soul - A 30 day program on learning how to
guard our eyes.
4. Garden of
Emmunah - An amazing book on Emunah
which is very appropriate for this struggle.
Send Yitzi an
e-mail to
yitzi.26@gmail.com
requesting the book/s you want to read along with
your address, and he will bl"n send you hard-copies
by mail.
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1072. |
Friday ~ 25 Elul,
5771 ~ September 23, 2011
Erev Shabbos Parshas Nitzavim Va'Yeilech
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In Today's Issue
-
Link of the Day:
Is Israel on the Brink of War?
-
Parables:
Time is Ticking Down
- Torah Thoughts:
It's all with plan
and purpose
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Link of the Day
Is Israel on the Brink of War?
By "Steve"
How would we all behave if we knew this was REALLY
happening? If we knew the war of Gog U'Magog was
about to start, if we knew Moshiach was REALLY
coming this year?
Would business continue as usual? Would we just keep
working ONLY on our program of recovery?
Or would we wake up and make the REAL priorities
count?
Please read this link (click title above) from Rabbi
Brody, whom we all respect so much. And think about
it. What can I do to change, Today?
Avoid the Yom Kippur Rush. Do Teshuvah Now!
:-)
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Category: Parables
Time is Ticking Down
From Rabbi Moss
To subscribe for weekly email:
rabbimoss@nefesh.com.au
New York is famous for its swarms of pedestrians
crossing the street, often ignoring the lights and
oblivious to oncoming cars. Not only will people
start crossing when the lights are already flashing
red, but even when the red hand stops flashing and
sternly warns them to stop, they will start dashing
across en masse, blocking traffic and risking their
own lives.
So the City of New York is trying a new antidote to
kamikaze crossers. At certain busy intersections
when the light starts to flash red, at the same time
a number is displayed right next to the red light,
counting down the seconds that remain before the
cars will get their green light. The crossers now
know exactly how long they have to
.make a dash.
It seems to work. Tension is built by this dramatic
count down. You feel as if you are passing over the
track of a grand prix just before the starter shoots
the gun, or walking the streets of Spain moments
before the bulls are about to be released. If you
see you have three seconds to cross a wide street,
you may think twice before making a suicidal dash.
The funny thing is, this system is not so different
to the usual way traffic signals work. You always
get a warning when the light flashes red. The
difference is, here you know exactly how long you
have. Every second is accounted for.
How different would we live our lives if we knew
exactly how long we have? How much more urgently
would we rush to do good if we could actually see
the seconds ticking away? How much less time would
we waste on foolishness if we could see that every
moment is numbered? Moses said it like this: "Teach
us to number our days, so that we may acquire a
heart of wisdom." (Psalms 90:12)
We have entered the last week of the Jewish year.
Next week is Rosh Hashanah. A year gone by, another
one about to arrive. The clock is ticking away. We
have far to go, and precious little time to get
there. Maybe now is a good time to start taking life
a little seriously...
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Category: Torah Thoughts
It's all with plan and purpose
From Rabbi Avigdor
Miller -
SimchasHachaim.com
After the eigel
hazahav (Golden
Calf), everyone was downcast because they had lost
favor in the eyes of Hashem. The general mood was
repentance, remorse, and humility. Yet at that time
Moshe Rabbeinu put in some of his greatest requests
that he ever made of Hashem.
It's remarkable that these great entreaties of his
were not made at a more auspicious time, when they
were in favor with Hashem. He could have made them
at the receiving of the Torah, when Hashem was so
pleased with His people. At that time Moshe Rabbeinu
should have put in a request.
But the Chovos
Halevavos teaches
us that sometimes a sin can help a man become better
than a mitzvah.
And he explains if somebody because of virtuous
deeds, maasim
tovim, begins to feel a certain pride,
he becomes somewhat puffed up, then he loses status
with Hashem because he is now being bereft of that
grand quality of humility.
Humility is one of the most glorious attributes of
mankind. But if, because of your righteous behavior,
you are impelled to lose some of your humility, it
doesn't pay. And therefore in some cases, he says, a
good deed can do a man harm and a sin sometimes can
do him great benefit.
If he feels so downcast because of his sin, he's so
disheartened and he despises himself because of what
he did, and he is contrite and he comes with
humbleness before Hashem, that is an achievement
that can outweigh by far any harm he did by his
sin.
(Now don't go doing sins in the hope that you'll
become humble. Try to become humble while you're
becoming a big lamdan
(scholar) or while you're making a lot
of money. When you are riding on the wave of hatzlacha (success),
that's the time you should be humble.) (Tape 579)
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1073. |
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1074. |
Wednesday ~ 29 Elul,
5771 ~ September 28, 2011
Erev Rosh Hashana 5752
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In Today's Issue
-
Our Yearly Appeal:
A Tremendous Merit for Yom Hadin!
- Torah Thoughts:
Mahogany Man -
Rabbi Avigdor Miller on Teshuvah
-
Torah Thoughts,
12-Steps:
What is the real Avodah of Rosh Hashana?
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Our Yearly Appeal:
A Tremendous Merit for Yom-Hadin!
Dear members,
GuardYourEyes makes a once-a-year appeal between
Rosh Hashana and Yom-Kippur, during this most
auspicious time of Teshuvah and Tzedaka.
Can there be a greater zechus than to enter into the
Yimei Hadin with the merit of being a partner in
enabling thousands of other Jews to do Teshuvah?
Midah Kineged Midah - if we are doing our best to
help others who struggle, Hashem will look favorably
upon our Teshuvah efforts and help us too!
Guard Your Eyes is currently undergoing a complete
overhaul. We are advancing nicely with our new web
development. You can see a screenshot of our new
website
over here.
We are also expanding our network to include a whole
new website for "Prevention" which will be made up
of 3 parts:
1)
The GYE Filter Division (click
here for screenshot)
2)
Guard Your Eyes (click
here for screenshot)
3)
For Parents & Mechanchim (click
here for screenshot)
At the same time, our network is being developed in
Yiddish and in Hebrew as well (click
here for screenshot of Hebrew site).
However, after 5 trips to abroad in the span of one
year's time, we still have not raised the money we
need to redo the websites in English, Hebrew &
Yiddish.
Due to the urgency and gravity of the need, we are
hoping to take a 100K loan so we can focus on
finally finishing the 3 networks without having to
divert our attention to planning another fundraising
trip. It should take about 3 months to complete.
In this year's campaign, our goal is to hopefully
get the community's help in covering half the
loan.... $50,000.
You can donate generous amounts more manageably by
using the monthly payment options on
our new donation page. (If you have trouble
using our donation page, please
e-mail us your credit-card number and expiration
date. We don't need a real name).
For example, you can donate the generous amount of
$1200, yet pay only $100 for 12 months. (See bottom
of this page for more donation options).
Please help us reach our goal!
Click here
to see a powerful 15 minute video about the work of
GuardYourEyes, with excerpts from the talks of
Chaim Dovid Zwiebel, Rav Aharon Feldman, Rabbi/Dr.
Avraham J. Twerski and Shalom's personal story.
Please see our expansion proposal
over here (right-click and choose "save
target/link as" to download it to your computer).
With your help we can change the world.
Purchase a true advocate for Yom Hadin!
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Category: Torah Thoughts > Rosh Hashana
Mahogany Man
A Moment with Rabbi Avigdor Miller Z"L #103
QUESTION:
Shouldn't proper Teshuva erase the wrong
impressions on one's mind?
ANSWER:
I have to tell you what the Kuzari says someplace
else, he says you'll never erase. You can never
erase any impression on your mind. And even if
you'll repent, he said, you heard, let's say, love
songs in your youth, and now you have outgrown these
things; you ridicule it. You cannot erase them from
your mind, that's what he says. However, a note of
consolation which he doesn't say, but we'll add it
anyhow.
Let's say somebody was given a mahogany table, and
he didn't realize the value of this piece of
furniture, and he was careless, and he even allowed
it to be scratched. Now, a deep scratch in mahogany
you cannot undo. You can't take off that deep
scratch. A shallow scratch you can varnish over, a
deep scratch is going to be there. So even though
you'll varnish it and it will glisten more than
before, you'll take it to a master furniture
craftsman, but a deep scratch, there'll always be a
depression in the wood, you can't change it.
What can you do? If you'll be prosperous enough to
buy an expensive gold plate that will cover the
entire table, then it becomes a more beautiful
object than before, and the scratch you won't
notice. It's there however, that depression is still
there. So you do Teshuva, you're covering with gold
the surface that had been marred. Of course it would
have been better if he had never marred the surface,
but if you overlay it with gold, it's like the
Shulchan. The Shulchan was made of expensive wood
but on top of the wood it was a covering of gold.
So that's what a Baal Teshuva is, he's covered with
gold and he is better than he was before. He is
better than an ordinary mahogany man. A mahogany
Jew, just an ordinary Frum Jew who never did any big
sins, but he didn't overlay it with gold! A Baal
Teshuva overlaid it with gold, he's more precious.
Click here
to subscribe to an e-mail list of sayings from Rav
Avigdor Miller.
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Category: Torah Thoughts > Rosh Hashana,
12-Step
What is the real Avodah of Rosh Hashana?
By Steve, moderator of the
morning 12-Step phone conference
My Dear Beloved Chevra,
I've been hearing so much this week from Drashos,
Divrei Torah, Kesuvim, you name it, all giving the
same message:
On Yom Kippur we ask for forgiveness, but on Rosh
Hashana we don't. Why is it that we will be standing
before the King of Kings on Rosh Hashanah, the Yom
HaDin, the Books of Chayim and the opposite are
open, and we don't ask for forgiveness?! Many do not
even make personal bakoshos in their Shemoneh Esrei!!
Isn't NOW my greatest chance? IF NOT NOW,
WHEN?!!
Chazal have taught us that Rosh Hashanah is NOT for
that. Erev Rosh Hashanah we can add all personal
tefillos we want. But our PURPOSE and AVODAH on Rosh
Hashanah is... *Drum Roll Please*...
TO MAKE HASHEM OUR KING.
I thought I knew that already. But I didn't really
know what that meant until I became a member of
this chevra, and began to practice living by
spiritual principles. And the drashos from
traditional Torah sources all said it, practically
the same as we've read it in the 12-Step program:
Making Hashem my King means TO LET GO ABSOLUTELY, TO
"LET GO AND LET G-D", to abandon myself and
my self will COMPLETELY to His judgment, His
Outcomes. To "Give Him ALL of me, the Good and the
Bad. To recognize that I have no real merit, and
all I can depend on is HIS compassion.
And yet, FAITH brings COURAGE, and with Emunah and
trust in His Love for me, my FEAR of deserving
retribution can leave me and be replaced by
sincere AWE and LOVE for my Creator who guides me
and keeps me alive for His purpose.
Chevra, life is always about PROGRESS, not
perfection. And so, as we all stand separately and
together before Hashem, REMEMBER that you are PART
of GYE. Part of a Legion of Hashem's Soldiers,
trying to build a new relationship with Him, and to
discover and REMOVE the obstacles in our path. Take
COURAGE and STRENGTH from the efforts you have made
toward cleanliness this past year. We have ALL grown
and given to each other SO MUCH!! No matter where we
are holding in our path of Recovery, the IKKAR is we
must know that HE LOVES US and desires to be close
and connected with each of us.
L'Shanah Tovah Tikaseiv V'Seichaseim - L'Alter,
L'Chaim Tovim, Ul'Shalom!!
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1075. |
In Today's Issue
-
Announcement:
Pre-Yom Kippur
Phone Group Tonight
-
Our Yearly Appeal:
Kofer Nefesh, Pidyon Kaparos
- Torah Thoughts:
Rabbi Avigdor
Miller on Teshuvah
-
Yom Kippur,
12-Steps:
The Space Between Impulse & Action
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Announcement
There will be a pre-Yom Kippur phone group
tonight at 9 p.m. Eastern time.
Forgiveness: The one person we have to
forgive before Hashem will forgive us.
Dial In Number: 1-712-429-0690
Participant PIN: 225356
Please make every effort to attend. The more
people on the call, the more Chizuk we can give
each other.
Elya
For more info on this weekly phone conference,
click here
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Our Yearly Appeal:
Kofer Nefesh - Pidyon Kaparos
We can redeem our
own sins by saving OTHERS from sin!
GYE's Aseres Yimei Teshuvah appeal is winding
down. Tomorrow is the last day of the appeal.
Can there be a greater zechus for Yom Kippur
than the merit of being a partner in enabling
thousands of other Jews to do Teshuvah?
GYE makes a once-a-year
appeal during Aseres Yimei Teshuvah. Can
there be a greater zechus for the Yamim
Nora'im than the merit of being a partner in
enabling thousands of other Jews to do
Teshuvah?
Came
in so far:
$12,434
DONATE HERE
(Secure tax deductible donation options: Credit
Card, Paypal, Check or Phone)
See here a
short eye-opening video about the work of
GuardYourEyes (including excerpts from Chaim Dovid
Zwiebel, Rav Aharon Feldman, Rabbi/Dr. Avraham J.
Twerski and Shalom's personal story).
GuardYourEyes is approximately 100K short to redo
the websites in English, Hebrew & Yiddish, to be
able to help tens of thousands of Jews around the
world. See the new website under development here,
and see
here the
design for the new "Prevention" division. See also
our expansion
plan 2011-2012 and a letter
from our Trustees (R'
Gedalia Weinberger, R' Berel Wein, Schottenstein and
others).
With your help we can change the world!
Checks can be written out to "GYE Corp" and mailed
to:
GYE Corp.
P.O. Box 32380
Pikesville, MD 21282
U.S.A
Tizke Lemitzvos!
Please pass this e-mail on to your contacts. Who
knows how many lives you can effect?
Wishing you a G'mar Chatimah Tova Tova and a year of
holiness and serenity!
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Category: Torah Thoughts > Yom Kipppur
Rabbi Avigdor Miller on Teshuvah
QUESTION:
How does one repent for certain sins, that he
knows he will repeat?
ANSWER:
That's a question that is being always asked. And
the answer is as follows. If a man smokes forty
cigarettes every Shabbos, and he decides he's going
to smoke only thirty nine, that's a fortunate man.
That's called a Miktzas Teshuva. A little bit of
Teshuva, which is the easiest thing to do, is the
biggest obligation. To stop all forty, not so easy
for him, but to stop the fortieth, YES. And
therefore, if you can stop even a little bit of your
sin, then you must do it, and it's the biggest
obligation, that's the easiest thing to do.
And so any sinner, even though he's a confirmed
Chotai, if he's able to make a resolve, at least
one little bit of that sin he won't do anymore.
Let's say, he does a sin ten times a week, now
he'll do it nine times a week; he makes up his
mind no more then nine times, he is a LUCKY man.
If he neglects that opportunity, he's in great
sakona; Hashem is very angry at him. The tenth
time was easy to avoid. And so everybody can do
a Miktzas Teshuva.
That's why we say Hashivainu Avinu Lesorasecho,
Hashem bring us back to your Torah, that's
Teshuva we are asking for, Teshuva, for
repentance. Then we say, V'Hachzirainu B'sehuva
Shelaima, then we're asking for a perfect
repentance. First we are asking for a little bit
of repentance, any kind of repentance, a little
bit at least. Then once you ask for a finger,
you ask for the whole hand, too! Then we say
give us a full repentance.
Click here
to subscribe to an e-mail list of sayings from Rav
Avigdor Miller.
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Category: Torah Thoughts > Yom Kippur,
12-Step
The Space Between
Impulse & Action
Rabbi Benyamin Bresinger
Yom Kippur is a combination of the holiest time, in
the holiest space, with
the holiest person.
So I was thinking
what does 'holy time' mean? I know it's the 25 hours
a year that we fast. I also know that within that
time frame, the ultimate time of holiness is the
last hour or so during the Neilah prayer.
Then I heard
something that had me thinking. In the narrative of
King David, Natan the prophet confronts David about
the episode with Bat Sheva. Natan corners him and
says basically, "What do you have to say for
yourself?" Then there is a gap between that sentence
and the next word which is
David's answer. The
Gra, Vilna Gaon (a 18th century sage) says that the
gap or the space in the scroll is there to show that
before David answered, he paused. It was in that
pause that he struggled with himself. King David
could have ordered the prophet's death for accusing
him. He could have denied any wrong doing, as we see
from the Talmud that David was innocent in a
technical way from sinning. David could have used
the same argument that the sages of the Talmud used
to prove his innocence, but he didn't. Instead he
paused, he wrestled with his thoughts and he
prevailed. He came back with a statement of royal
humility. He said: "I have sinned."
It's that sacred
space while David was doing battle with himself;
it's in that struggle that he proved his greatness.
As is the case with all of us, it is how we deal
with our inner terrain that counts. When you change
who you are, trying to be what you might be, you
enter sacred time and sacred space. There the old
you, slowly evolves into the person you yearn to
become.
I have a sign in my
office that is a prayer I heard from a recovering
addict which reads: "Please G-d, I humbly ask you
for the grace to find the space between my impulse
and my action." It's that same holy space we're
talking about. You see, I am challenged to react to
different situations throughout my day. And usually
if I don't ask for G-d's will to be done, it's mine
that gets in the way.
Then I read in the
Big Book of Alcohol Anonymous in step 11: "When
agitated or doubtful we pause and ask for the right
thought or action ... we are not running the show
anymore, humbly saying 'Thy will, not mine be
done.'" It is about G-d creating for me the eternal
opportunity of
experiencing the sacred within time.
So the next time life
gives you a moment
like this, pause and
allow G-d in, if even for a moment. After all,
that's what
makes time holy.
Rabbi Benyamin
Bresinger
Director CHABAD
LIFELINE
Hope, help and
healing for everyone affected by addiction
t:514.738.7700
c:514.668.7813
WWW.CHABADLIFELINE.COM
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1076. |
In Today's Issue
-
Final Day of
Appeal:
Last Chance for Special Kaparah!
- Attitude:
Progress Not
Perfection
-
What the Gedolim
are Saying:
Make sure your filters are strong
-
Minhag Kaparos:
Adam Yesodo Me'Afar
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Final day of GYE's Once-A-Year Appeal:
Last chance to earn special merit for Yom
Kippur - and get a kapparah on our own sins!
Can there be a greater zechus than the merit of
being a partner in enabling thousands of other
Jews to do Teshuvah?
GuardYourEyes is approximately 100K short to redo
the websites in English, Hebrew & Yiddish, to be
able to help tens of thousands of Jews around the
world. See the new website under development here,
and see
here the
design for the new "Prevention" division. See also
our expansion
plan 2011-2012 and a letter
from our Trustees (R'
Gedalia Weinberger, R' Berel Wein, Schottenstein and
others).
We set a goal of reaching $50,000 at the
beginning of the appeal.
Yesterday, a check came in from an anonymous
donor of $18,000!
The rest of the community has donated so far
$14,312
All
Together:
$32,312
DONATE HERE
(Secure tax deductible donation options: Credit
Card, Paypal, Check or Phone)
With your help we can change the world!
Checks can be written out to "GYE Corp" and mailed
to:
GYE Corp.
P.O. Box 32380
Pikesville, MD 21282
U.S.A
Tizke Lemitzvos!
Wishing everyone in the GYE community a G'mar
Chatimah Tova Tova and a year of holiness and
serenity!
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Category: Torah Thoughts > Yom Kipppur
Progress Not Perfection
May of us may be thinking, "What is the use of
my Teshuvah if I may (likely) have slips and falls
again this year?"
Rabbosai, we must internalize and remember that
Hashem gave the Torah to human beings, not angels.
He knows that we will have slips and
falls. But it's all about PROGRESS, NOT
PERFECTION.
Hashem loves each and every one of us, and He is
so proud of those who keep trying in such a dark
world, with such difficult nisyonos like there has
never been in history before.
Let us resolve now, Erev Yom Kippur, that we will
keep trying, that we will keep fighting,
that we will keep looking for new eitzos that help
us (whether in the GYE tools, services, handbooks or
elsewhere). Let us all resolve that when we come to
Yom Kippur in a year's time from now we will be able
to honestly say to Hashem: "I feel I made
progress this year".
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Click here to see what the Gedolim are saying
about unfiltered internet.
If we have unfiltered access or our filters are
not strong enough, let us resolve now before Yom
Kippur to FIX THIS as soon as possible.
Be in touch with GYE's filter gabai at filter.tzvi@gmail.com
or 917-474-3008 for help on installing the best
filters for your computers and mobile devices.
To install K9 and have the filter gabai hold the
password for you, be in touch with our other filter
gabai:
filter.gye@gmail.com (see
this page for instructions).
NOW IS THE TIME!
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REMEMBER THE MARTYRS OF BABI YAR!
33,000 YIDDEN KILLED ON EREV YOM KIPPUR
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yom
Kippur - Minhag Kapparos
Adam Yesodo Me'Afar
We all know the truth. We all die. We are
nothing but flesh, blood, veins and bones;
here today, dust tomorrow. Our eyeballs are
delicate balls of mushy fluid. And the
objects of our desires are also flesh, blood
and veins. If we could see what is
underneath the thin layer of skin that
covers these sacks of blood, would we desire
it? Yet this is what our our brains make us
run after. This is what our addiction makes
us slaves to! Is it for
this we have sold our souls? Gevald! What
a farce!
How pathetic it is to make our physical
aspects dominant over our spiritual souls.
When we sin, we are using a body that don't
belong to us, to chase after imaginary
pleasure with other bodies
that don't belong to us -
nor to them! (After
all, if anyone belonged to themselves, could
Hashem take their bodies away from them
whenever he so desired?)
Yom Kippur is that one day a year when we
reveal the FARCE of our bodies for what it
really is. On Yom Kippur we say, "ENOUGH IS
ENOUGH" to our bodies. We don't feed it, and
we afflict it in five different ways. On Yom
Kippur we rise ABOVE our bodies and connect
completely with our souls - and with Hakadosh
Baruch Hu.
Know, my friends, that the desires we have
are really the yearnings of our souls for a
true and deep connection with Hashem, for
the true safety and comfort of His loving
embrace. But the "white-matter" in our
brains messes up these signals and tricks us
into believing that we will find all that we
are looking for by running after lust. Many
foolish men spend their lives chasing this
ever-elusive comfort and "connection",
continuously sure that they will find it in
their "next" fix....
Let us realize that ONLY HASHEM HIMSELF can
truly fill the deep yearnings of our souls.
Let us return to the warm and loving embrace
of Hashem and tell him on this Yom-Kippur: Hashem,
we don't want ANYTHING ELSE but you, dear
Father, forever more!
Tip:
If bad thoughts come to us on Yom-Kippur,
let us imagine the object of our desires cut
up into pieces, the two legs torn off and
laid alongside a legless body; guts and
bones protruding. For this is all the Yetzer
Hara really is; a big bubble of hot air and
imagination. (And yes, we need to fight dirty sometimes
- with a menuval who
fights even dirtier -
on the holiest day of the year).
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1077. |
In Today's Issue
-
Our Yearly Appeal:
THANK YOU!!
- Announcement:
Dov's 12-Step
Group Starting Sunday
-
Member's Share:
Kabalos During Ne'ilah
-
12-Steps to
Teshuvah: Rabbi Yakov Horowitz
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A Big Thank-You to all those who participated
in this year's Aseres Yimei Teshuvah
Appeal!
You have earned a partnership in enabling
thousands of other Jews to do Teshuvah!
The community donated a total of approximately
$18,000
And a check came in from an anonymous donor of
$18,000
All
Together:
$36,000
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Announcement
Dov's 12-Step Group Starting New Cycle Sunday
Only for those who are SERIOUS and willing to put
in the work and maintain integrity.
Headed by Dov (from the "Daily Dose of Dov") who
sober in SA for over 14 years.
See here for
the 9 conditions in joining Dov's group.
To join, please contact
Dov and
give him your username, so we can give you access to
his group on the forum.
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Category: Member's Share, Testimonials
Kabalos During Ne'ilah
From "Steve", moderator of the
morning phone conference
I made a few kabolos during Neilah. One was to
install a filter today. I will be arranging with my
wife for each of us to hold half the password, so
settings can't be undone unilaterally. I will also
be signing up with
yishmoreini, making my Rav the recipient of
reports if I go to improper URL addresses.
I just installed K9 Protection on my work computer (i-MAC)
thanks to
Reb Tzvi (GYE's Filter Gabbai), may HKB"H bless
him and his family with ALL if His Protection!
Let's face it, as an addict, fear of failure leads
to procrastination, and wasting critical time, plus
the "idle hands are the devil's playground"
syndrome. So another kabolla was to avoid what I
used to do, taking my lunch into my home office, and
using the excuse that since both my hands were busy
while eating I'll just go onto CNN/Arutz Sheva to
catch up on the news (big time waster cuz I coudn't
stop following the news story links) or watch movie
trailers and clips (time waster PLUS
actress/fashion/plot triggers). Now I have accepted
upon myself to 1) always eat those "working meals"
in the kitchen, away from the computer (this way
ALSO I wont forget to bentch in time), and 2) not to
go onto the internet for secular entertainment or to
unwind or stall - in the words of the Big Book,
"unless I have a good reason for being there."
I recommend anyone who has not arranged a filter to
do so. K9 now also offers filters for ipads, iphones,
and more. See their home page. And it's a JOY to
work with Reb Tzvi, he's very helpful and
knowledgeable, and a big mentch.
I am now about 2 years clean from the Big M, which
means this past Yom Kippur was the first one I can
say was clean from M for an entire year since last
Yom Kippur. Last Yom Kippur I had also been clean
from P for almost a year, I wish I could say I had
kept that up. But I fell to looking at and reading
inappropriate material a few times (after over 500
days clean) this past spring. I've taken some new
steps to keep myself clean from P (filters, new
habits, etc), including internalizing the 12-Step
program more. Now I'm looking forward to each day at
a time. IY"H I'll be "Bo BaYomim" next Yom Kippur as
well.
Thank you ALL for helping me get here!!
A Gutte K'vittel, A Piska Tova, A Good G'Bentched
Yaor, etc etc etc..... and CHAG SOMAYACH!!
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12-Steps to Teshuva
By Rabbi Yakov Horowitz
Over the past two weeks, two individuals approached
me and asked for help locating appropriate treatment
facilities, for their respective friends who were in
the throes of substance abuse addiction.
During our discussions, it crossed my mind several
times, that there are striking similarities between
the Teshuva process, as outlined by the Rambam and
many of our leading siffrei
mussar over
the years, and the 12-Step programs employed by
Alcoholics Anonymous and other groups formed to help
wean people off their addictions.
In fact, a simple reading of the 12-Steps leads the
reader to the inescapable conclusion that the
creators of the program were inspired by the notion
of teshuva and its various components.One thing that
is very different about the 12-Step program though,
is that its effectiveness is very easily measurable
(did the person refrain from drinking?) while the
results of the teshuva process are often much more
difficult to quantify.
Allow me to invite you to listen to a talk I gave in
Cong. Beth Abraham in Teaneck, N.J. breaking down
the components of the teshuva process and what we
can learn from "12-steppers" in terms of making
meaningful and measurable improvement in our lives.
Listen to the recorded Shiur by dialing
209.647.1699 and entering the code 827269. You can
download the shiur as an MP3
over here.
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1078. |
In Today's Issue
-
Three Important
Announcements:
New Booklet / Volunteers /
Elya's Call
-
Perspective & Attitude:
Learning from Bernie Madoff
-
Q & A:
Why do I need to change my
nature?
-
Rabbi Avigdor Miller:
Painless Perfection
-
New Phone Conferences
Beginning:
Duvid Chaim & Crew Launch
7th Cycle
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Announcement 1
Download
it by right-clicking
the link and
choosing "Save
Target/Link As".
It contains a few
articles by
mechanchim and
therapists, written
especially for GYE,
dealing with how to
talk to children
about these
sensitive issues,
how to protect
children, and how to
detect risk factors
and warning signs.
We hope this booklet
will grow as more
experts send in
articles on this
topic. If you'd like
to recommend anyone
to write articles
for this booklet,
please
let us know.
Announcement 2
GYE is looking for a
few volunteers to
join our team. We
need:
1) A Partner Gabai -
who helps match up
partners for
accountability (See
this page).
2) Someone who can
help enter GYE
content into the
databases of the new
website and help
categorize and edit
hundreds of articles
(for compensation).
3) A English to
Yiddish translator
(for compensation).
4) A Gabai to
receive surfing
reports (through
programs like
webchaver). We have
a plan for
accountability that
we would like to
impliment.
If you think you
might be a candidate
for any of these
jobs, please contact
us at
eyes.guard@gmail.com.
Thank you!
Announcement 3
Elya invites
everyone to his
weekly phone
group tonight at
9 p.m. EST on
the topic:
"Are denial
and
rationalization
getting in the
way of your
recovery?"
712-429-0690
PIN 225356
Click here for
more info on Elya's
Call
See the bottom
of this e-mail for
info on the new
12-Step phone
conferences starting
next week!
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Category: Perspective &
Attitude
Learning from Bernie Madoff
By "Rage"
I saw in the
news today that Bernie
Madoff said he feels happier in
prison than he's felt in 20
years. The reason? Madoff was
quotied as saying "I have no
decisions to make. I lived the
last 20 years of my life in
fear. Now, I have no fear
because I'm no longer in
control."
Can you imagine? For some
personalities, no longer being
in control is so rewarding that
even if you're in prison the
fact that youre not in control
makes it the happiest time of
your life. How burdensome must
it be to always try to be in
control.
It made me wonder what it's like
to feel the double comfort of
(1) not having to make any
decisions and (2) knowing that
the entity actually in control
is not the warden but rather the
Big Warden in the sky who always
looks out to benefit you.
Learn how to "let go
of control". Join the 7th cycle
of GYE's 12-Step phone
conferences, beginning this
coming Monday, Oct 31!
Click here for more info.
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Category: Q &
A
Why do I need to change my
nature?
Some people wonder why Hashem
would give us a nature to lust,
and yet ask us to change our
very nature and reign it in.
"How does Hashem expect me not
to go after the nature that He
Himself gave me?"...
It's interesting to note that it
is brought down in Chazal and in
the Zohar many times how Shmiras
Habris is part and parcel of the
mitzva of Milah that Hashem gave
for every newborn. The mitzva of
Milah is the sign or "stamp" of
Hakadosh Baruch Hu that becomes
part of our body at 8 days old,
and this mitzvah continues
throughout our whole life as we
"guard" that stamp of Hashem
from entering into "the other
side" by using it in sin. In a
number of places, the Zohar
equates the mitzva of Milah and
Shmiras Habris as one and the
same, and when Chazal say that
Avraham Avinu pulls out every
Yid who has the milah from
gehinom, the Zohar says it only
means one who has fulfilled the
mitzva of milah properly
by guarding it during his
lifetime.
In the same way that our bodies
are given to us by Hashem with a
"blemish" that needs to be
removed (the orlah), so too, we
were given a nature to lust by
Hashem, but this "orlas ha'lev"
needs to be removed. For many of
us, removing the lust from our
hearts can be as painful as the
bris milah we had at 8 days old.
But in the same way that we defy
nature by removing the orlah as
a baby, so too we are asked by
Hashem to defy our nature on an
even higher level as we
mature, and remove the orlas
ha'lev of lust from our hearts.
A Roman officer once challenged
one of the Chachamim about why
we Jews make Milah; "Why would
Hashem make the body imperfect?"
The Tana returned the next day
with sheaves of wheat in one
hand, and freshly baked rolls in
another hand and ask the officer
which one he thought was more
praiseworthy. In other words,
Hashem gave us an imperfect body
so that we should perfect it! In
the same way - and even more so,
Hashem wants us to perfect our
hearts and nature. That is our
job in this world, and for that
we are rewarded more than any
one can imagine!
In continuation of this idea,
I'd like to bring an excerpt
from Rabbi Avigdor Miller - Tape
933. (Sent by
simchashachaim.com -
Subscribe here.)
Painless perfection
In Gehinom, the
treatments are not as easy as
the treatments in this world. In
this world you can take a Sefer
(book) like
Reishis Chachma,
or Shevet
Mussar, or Peleh
Yoeitz, or Orchos
Tzaddikim, or Mesilas
Yesharim--these
books will be a salve, a balm on
your blister of envy and they'll
cause it gradually to go away
almost painlessly.
By learning the right
kind of Torah a person can
change his character and can
remedy his faults almost
painlessly in this world. But
if he neglected to do that and
he goes to Gehinom with that
blister, with that ulcer, there
the treatment is entirely
different.
There no more Mesilas Yesharim,
no more Orchos Tzaddikim, all
these good remedies are left
behind in this world. And there
they have very powerful
chemicals, like burning lye,
they'll put burning lye on that
ulcer and they'll remove it.
But it
hurts like Gehinom. And this I
cannot describe to you because
it's indescribable.
A person who has even a single
bad Middah (quality) is going to
undergo a terrible torture. So
if he's able to rid himself in
this world of it, he's a wise
man. But if he waits, Hashem in
His mercy is going to heal him
but he'll have to undergo the
treatment.
Don't ask me why should that be
so. You want the next world with
all privileges? Hashem gives
certain privileges to people who
are smart enough to make use of
their lives, and people who are
stupid enough to live with bad
character and they wait for the
next world, they'll just have to
take it despite all the
questions.
Don't say Hashem, since
You are kindly, couldn't You
have treated us without this
pain? He'll say to you, Why
didn't you do it when you had
the opportunity? You want
something for nothing?
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New Cycle of Phone
Conferences Beginning
Duvid Chaim and crew
launching on Monday, Oct 31
Duvid Chaim, Steve and
Shlomo are launching their
7th cycle of the 12-Step
program in their popular
phone conferences. Over 300
men have been members of
this wonderful group and
many have seen major
transformations in their
lives. Click the links below
for more info on the
conference calls.
The groups meet 4 times a
week, Mon - Thurs. You can
choose to join either the
8:30 AM call, the 12 Noon
call, or the 10:20 PM call.
(Important note: The 8:30
AM call is especially
appropriate for people on a
Yeshiva schedule who can
start seder at about 9:30).
Make sure to
purchase a copy of the Big
Book.
Get Acquainted with the
captain's of the 3 Calls:
Morning Call:
Time: 8:30 AM
Moderator: Steve Tel:
732-806-0493 E-Mail:
steve.s.613@gmail.com
Noon Call:
Time: 12 PM
Moderator: Duvid Chaim Tel:
567-404-9882 E-Mail:
duvidchaim@gmail.com
Night Call:
Time: 10:20 PM
Moderator: Shlomo Tel:
201-632-1648. E-Mail:
shlomoshlomo18@gmail.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dov's Group began this
Sunday, Oct 23
It's still not too late to
join! Dov's group meets by
phone twice a week, on
Sundays and Tuesdays.
If you've tried everything
and are desperate to stop,
maybe you're a candidate for
Dov's group where you'll do
some real step work, and
learn lots of integrity and
self-honesty. See the nine
rules of Dov's group
over here. If you're
interested, contact Dov at reishischochma1@gmail.com
for the call times and info.
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1079. |
Category: Practical Tips, 12-Step
To Thine Own Self Be True
Rabbi Twerski shared with GYE today:
Every so often there is a news item that
research shows promise of a drug that can
cure alcohol or drug addiction. Thus far,
nothing like a cure has materialized. The
possibility of a drug that will cure
behavioral addictions such as compulsive
gambling or sex addiction is even more
remote.
But I have come across something that holds
promise for all addictions, and it is
surprisingly simple: TRUTH! I believe that
if an addict commits to absolute
truthfulness and adheres to this, and will
not lie under
any circumstances, not
a white lie nor a lie of any color, he can
beat the addiction. No rationalization can
justify a lie, and one must be willing to be
truthful even if it hurts. One must know
that any lie constitutes
a relapse.
Lying is an integral component of addiction,
just as coughing is to pneumonia.
Unfortunately, lying in addiction is so
habitual that the addict may not be aware
that he is lying, and it requires great
alertness and total honesty to live up to
the commitment. Of course, one cannot lie to
G-d or to oneself. I have found that it may
be more difficult for an addict to abstain
from lying than from his addiction.
Because of the propensity to lie, addicts
cannot have sincere relationships. The
latter require trust,
and there can be no trust in absence of
truth.
I would like this to be put to the test. I
have high hopes that it can work.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We responded to Rabbi Twerski:
Thank you for this insightful advice.
I just want to point out, that even if the
addict decides to tell only the truth from
now on, he will probably find it almost
impossible to stop lying to HIMSELF without
group support and working the steps. I think
that what the Rav wrote should
be incorporated into the 12-Steps groups
(and in many cases, it is). They tell you
that every time you feel like acting-out you
should pick up the phone and call someone.
In the same way, every time an addict feels
he's about to lie,
he should pick up the phone and call someone
(or his sponsor). And if he catches himself
having told a lie, he should tell his
sponsor as well.
If he works on his integrity in the context
of the group and in conjunction with working
the program, this can increase his chances
of success in a big way.
Dov (who is sober for 14 years in SA) once
said that sobriety really all boils down to integrity.
First with others, then with one's self. As
they say "To thine own self be true."
Thank you for sharing this.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rabbi Twerski responded to the above with
two words: "I agree".
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 14 years.
See his story
here.
Integrity Yes, Beating it No.
Dov responds to Rabbi Twerski's idea
above:
Thanks, the Rav's words are so
yesodiosdig to me, too. So thanks for
reminding me how important it is for me
to tell the truth to myself and everyone
else today!
But there is something I want to share
with you and the Rav.
At the very beginning of Ch 5 of AA Bill
wrote that the only way out of this
disease is self-honesty. Period. He
posits that the only reason people fail
this program is that they are not honest
with themselves. Period. So the Rav is
saying what Bill wrote at the beginning.
But it seems to me that Bill would not
have written it the way the Rav did. The
phraseology the Rav chooses here implies
personal victory: "I
believe that if an addict commits to
absolute truthfulness and adheres to
this, and will not lie under
any circumstances, not
a white lie nor a lie of any color,
he can beat the addiction."
This "beating" thing - it is not written
anywhere in the "Promises" after the 9th
step. Sure, it is attractive to the
newbie - promises of grandeur, being in
the winners circle one day... but
there's gotta be a reason that it's not
the attitude of the AAs I know. "Beating
it" is exactly what the newbies all over
GYE love to hear, but I feel it does not
serve the average newly recovering
addict well.
It is attractive lingo to a despondent,
still-masturbating frum yid - the
promise that he will finally be able to
flex his bechirah-muscles again! He'll
be a bit of a tzaddik - finally! Hey,
and how many times have people with this
problem called me a tzaddik so far? (If
I had a nickle for every time...)
They do not know, or believe, that us
drunks are just trying to live,
period. For the non-addict it is so much
easier just to live. They need s'forim
and Rabbonim's fiery shmuessin to
motivate them not to
just live, but to strive for higher
madreigos! And it's funny how many of
them see an alkie's not
drinking as
'a madreigo'. I figure they just do not
know what it means to be thoroughly
beaten. And by the same token, it is not
'brave' for a drunk to finally, finally
admit that he is a drunk - his drinking
lifestyle has beaten him to a pulp and
now he has no choice but to face the
music! Like by giving Haman the ring,
G-d did for us what we could not do for
ourselves. And He does this right in the
drinking. He hides the bottle and starts
to beat our ego right out of us right
from there. A funny example of z'donos
na'asim zachuyos!
And the addicts who keep referring to it
as a "battle" and to the sober drunks as
"tzaddikim" have missed the boat. And it
is no wonder when they don't get sober.
The recovering addicts I know, are beaten -
they do not beat.
Sober no matter how many years, they are drunks -
drunks who do not drink.
And it is a daily reprieve by G-d,
allowed by the drunk - if he recognizes
that he is beaten today, too. That is
the way it works for me and others I
know. Of course, to a non-alcoholic/sexaholic
person, that attitude does not seem to 'shtim'
with self-esteem, and it is not very
attractive.
To the layman, a drunk or a pervert
living thirty-five years and dying a
sober man is called "beating the
addiction". It sure seems beaten, no? I
understand that - it's really the way
the scorecard reads, of course. But it
seems to me that the reason the Alkies
do not talk of 'winning' or 'beating' is
that it re-invites the
ego.
And letting go of my ego was what the
entire journey was all about! We may as
well drink a l'Chayim to celebrate
thirty-five years sober! The premature
l'Chayim is the most dangerous thing I
see people do, and it happens over and
over. As Chuck C the alkie joked, "the
only thing worse for an alkie than bad
fortune, is good fortune!"
Making the difficult calls to people and
to G-d (that Guard referred to above)
and really opening up to another,
working these steps faithfully, learning
to really depend on
my G-d rather than just being
'religious' - they are all a diminution
rather than a feeding of the ego. At
least this is the program I have
absorbed from my sponsor and friends.
I have not yet met a recovering member
of SA who
said "I used
to act
out." The victory feels like it is
Hashem's, not mine. Sure, if I am zoche
to die a sober man, it will technically
be in the 'win column'. But I cannot see
it as my win, at all. All I do is suffer
enough to allow him into the room, as
the Kotzker would have put it.
If I get there sober after 120 and they
hoist me up as a victor in Shomayim, I
hope and pray that I hop right off the
pedestal onto the floor and just bow low
to Hashem...and stay there.
Respectfully,
Dov
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1080. |
The
TaPHSiC Method Made Simple
There are two main stumbling blocks that
cause an addict to relapse:
1) When under an attack of lust, we feel we
need it NOW. But lust comes in waves. If we
could somehow distract ourselves with
something else, we will often find that the
lust attack passes and we can get on with
real life.
2) When under the spell of lust, the
neurochemical dopamine is released in the
brain. Dopamine narrowly focuses our
attention and energy on the object of our
lust. Any thoughts of spouse, family,
beliefs, consequences, future goals, etc.,
are ignored and blocked out. (See more on
addictive chemicals in
this fascinating article).
If we could somehow make the consequences of
acting out much more REAL and IMMEDIATE to
us, we would find it much easier to hold
back.
To this end, the "Double Fence TaPHSiC"
method is the perfect solution. TaPHSiC
stands for "The Physical & Spiritual Combo"
and it also means "Stop!" in Hebrew. It
involves making a very special type of
Shavuah. By utilizing this amazing method -
which has helped some of the worst cases, we
can effectively deal with these two
stumbling blocks mentioned above. Firstly,
it makes acting-out compulsively (NOW)
not even an option anymore. Our Yetzer
Hara himself will agree with us that it is
simply not worth it to act-out NOW, but
rather to distract ourselves and wait before
acting-out.
And secondly, it makes the consequences of
acting out immediate, real and painful.
After all, we all know that once the lust
has passed (after the fall) we will not be
throwing out our Yiddishkeit. Just like we
won't throw away Shabbos and Kashrus, we
know we will have to keep our shavuah!
Knowing the consequences of our fall in
advance is often enough to shake us out of
the lust-stupor and back into reality.
Although making Shvuos is usually frowned on
by Chazal, we find in many places that when
it comes to girding oneself from sexual
temptations, making shavuos is praised by
our sages (see
the Ohr Hachaim beginning Parshas Matos).
And although making Shvuos "not to act-out"
very rarely works in the case of addiction,
the TaPHSiC method is a 'smart way' of
making shavuos that has been found to work
wonderfully in many cases.
To make it easier for everyone to prepare a
TaPHSiC Shavuah, we prepared a generic
Nusach here that can be used to prepare
it. All you have to do is fill in the
blanks!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Generic Nusach for the
Double-Fenced TaPHSiC Method
Ani Nishba (I swear), beshaim
Ad---- (in the name of G-d) that until
[Fill in the end date Note: Not more than
a month at first, so you can adjust if
necessary]
_________________________________________________
if I have a fall, which is defined by one of
the following things:
Either
(a) I am motzi zera livatala
(masturbate)
or
(b) I intentionally obtain in any way
(whether by e-mail, downloads, printing,
purchasing, borrowing, stealing, taking out
of the trash) adult sexual material of any
sort, digital or printed (including
magazines, DVDs, etc.)
or
(c) I intentionally go to any websites or
web pages, pictures, videos, chats or
forums, for the purpose of viewing adult
sexual content (including any type of adult
oriented images, drawings, videos, audio, or
erotic reading material)
or
(d) if I initiate contact with - or respond
positively to - any woman other than my wife
for a sexually related purpose (including by
e-mail, chat, webcams, etc.) - not including
situations where social norms require me to
have some contact with someone attractive
or
(e) if I partake of any illicit sexually
oriented services of any kind (including
calling adult phone lines, massages, or
worse)
Then, if
[Fill in Distraction 1. Example: "I
went for a 20 minute walk". See more
examples for distractions below]
_________________________________________________
Or (and?)
[Fill in Distraction 2. Example: "I
called my partner, sponsor, or a fellow GYE
member who knows me, and told him that I
feel I want to fall, and I stayed on the
phone with him for at least 5 minutes".
See more examples for distractions below]
_________________________________________________
Or (and?)
[Fill in Distraction 3. Example: " I did
exercise for 15 minutes (sit-ups, push-ups,
jumping jacks, etc)". See more examples
for distractions below]
_________________________________________________
within the 90 minutes proceeding my fall,
then
within the next 36 hours
(or other time frame) I will
[Fill in 'Normal Knas'. Example: "donate
$50/100 to Tzedaka (GYE)". See more examples
of 'Normal Knas' below].
_________________________________________________
If I did not do any of (all?) these things
in the 90 minutes proceeding my fall, then
within the next 36 hours (or other time
frame) I will
[Fill in 'Very Hard Knas'. Example:
"donate $1000/2000 to Tzedaka (GYE)". See
more examples of 'VERY HARD KNAS' below]
_________________________________________________
If I had a fall without remembering that I
made this shavuah, I will only
[example: donate $50/100 to Tzedaka
(GYE). See more examples of NORMAL KNAS
below].
If I am honestly not sure that I had a fall,
I will not have any KNAS.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Other examples for Distractions:
1. I spoke with people who know me, by phone
or in person, for at least 15 minutes
2. I scrubbed the toilets at home/work and
picked up the garbage around the home (or
office) for 15 minutes.
3. I put away sefarim in the beis-medrash/shul
for 15 minutes.
4. I said Tehilim for half an hour.
5. I learned Gemara for 20 minutes.
6. I was Mavir Sedra for half and hour.
Other examples for 'Normal Knas':
1. I will take a cold shower with no warm
water at all.
2. I will go for an hour walk.
3. I will take a bus to a kever of the
Tzadik/Kotel and stay there for at least an
hour.
4. I will clean the floors of my home, scrub
the toilets, and return clean laundry to its
place.
5. I will fast from dawn until nightfall (in
the coming 3 days).
Examples for 'Very Hard Knas'
(Warning: It must be something you are
100% sure you CAN do)
1. I will take a bus to the kever of a
Tzadik/Kotel and stay there for at least 6
hours.
2. I will fast from dawn until nightfall for
two days in a row (within the coming 7
days).
3. I will tell my Rav (my wife) that I had a
fall. |
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1081. |
Lessons from the Carmel Forest Fire 5771
Last year on Chanukah, there was a raging
fire in the Carmel mountains in Israel.
Forty four people lost their lives, tens of
thousands of acres of trees were burnt, and
a number of communities were decimated. It
is ironic that the fire happened on
Chanukah, exactly when we light the Menorah
and delight in the warmth and light of the
little flames.
Although no one can profess to know Hashem's
ways, perhaps Hashem was sending us a
message. Fire is a force of nature that can
be used for so many things, warmth, light
and even Kedusha. However, it can only bring
benefit to the world when it is contained
within safe boundaries. The moment that fire
is not restrained, it brings terrible
destruction to the world!
Likewise, sexuality is a powerful force that
can add holiness into a marriage and bring
life into the world, but only when it is
contained in its proper place. Like the warm
and uplifting flames of the Menorah, it can
bring joy, light and Kedusha into the home.
But today's world has lost all boundaries.
Like a fire spreading out of control, the
internet and the media are dominated by the
fire of lust - and it is spreading into
every home, office and pocket. This fire of
misplaced desire is destroying the very
fabric of our communities and the morality
of all mankind today.
By bringing this destructive, out-of-control
fire specifically on Chanukah, perhaps
Hashem was beckoning for us to compare
fire without boundaries to the beauty and
holiness of the restrained Menorah flames.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here is another lesson we wrote last year,
as the fire raged:
Fire on Har HaCarmel
There's a raging fire in Israel now on Har
HaCarmel where over 40 people lost their
lives yesterday. I was reminded of another
fire on Har HaCarmel, many years ago. The
Pasuk in Melachim Alef (18:38) says:
"And the fire of Hashem came down and ate
the sacrifice and the wood and the stones
and the dirt and the water that was in the
trough it licked. And the whole nation saw
and fell on their faces and proclaimed "Hashem
is G-d, Hashem is G-d!"
Perhaps Hashem is sending us a message, as
Eliyahu Hanavi told the Jewish people back
then: "Until when will you hold on to both
sides of the stick? If G-d is G-d, then go
after Him. And if the Ba'al (idol) then go
after him!"
We can't continue living double lives,
serving both G-d and lust at the same time.
Let us take this message from the
burnt-sacrifices of our holy brothers and
declare once and for all: "Hashem is G-d,
Hashem is G-d!"
|
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An
Addict's Al Hanissim
By Kivi
G-d, I don't thank You enough, but at this
time of Chanuka I'm given the opportunity to
focus on all that I owe as a member of the
Jewish people, and as one who has been
blessed with Your miracles and continues to
be blessed every day. I'm indebted to You
for redeeming me from the dreadful life I
lived, the emptiness, the loneliness of one
held prisoner by a merciless, senseless
captor. Thank You for revealing Your
infinite power to me - I really needed it; I
was and I still remain powerless. You saved
me from definite destruction, from sinking
lower and lower into my lust. You fought my
battles, because I could no longer fight.
You did this for our Fathers at this time of
year, and I recognize this time of year as
one best suited for recognizing that all my
success comes from only You.
In the days of Matisyahu and his family,
when the threat of the dominant culture was
eating away at our deep, long standing,
relationship, throwing our people into
darkness, forgetting our humble submission
to Your will as expressed in the Torah You
gave us, driving us away from living
according to Your plans, plans we had
committed ourselves to, whether we
understood them or not. We had this
essential humility before we were overtaken
by the drives to escape into the
self-centered pleasures and beauty of the
world around us, to replace Your plans with
our fancy. We took charge. We used to crave
only You, and we turned to other sources of
pleasure, dark and artificial, unfulfilling
and selfish.
But You, You never gave up on us. In Your
great kindness, Your real feelings of mercy
for us, You stood up, revealed your Awesome
Wonders when we were entrenched in the
narrow quarters of helplessness and
isolation, our corrupt design for living. We
could no longer fight - now You would fight.
We couldn't reverse the damage that was
done, but You could. We were weak, we are
weak, we came to understand that then. When
that became real to us, You quickly subdued
the mighty insurmountable forces we had been
fighting for years. There were so many
battles, we had dug ourselves so deep, but
you handed that to us too. We were drawn to
so much impurity, buried in so much dirt,
soiled, but You showed us we could be pure
if we would only let You fight for us. Evil
ones, those who were out to destroy us
unmercilessly, unforgivingly, disappeared in
the face of those who chose Your righteous
path, those who submitted, and committed,
themselves to working towards the
fulfillment of only Your will.
An You thereby made for Yourself a great and
holy name in the world. You made it known
that miracles are ready for us when we're
ready to see them and live with them. You
saved Your people, You renewed the deep bond
we always had, You brought redemption -
ah... the relief I can and do experience
today, and every day.
After our relationship was rekindled, Your
precious children, recognizing the love
their Father in heaven continues to have for
them, came back home. They devoted
themselves to clean up their side of the
street, take actions to remove all
resentments and false medications for pains
that drew them away from You. They brought
purity to Your home, understanding Your home
is holy, our relationship with You is
intimate and profound, and turning from You
is unthinkable. They did not just recognize
your love, but they took definite steps to
kindle the relationship, to shine the light
of their new clarity living in Your
presence, in Your home. They established 8
days to focus on Your kindness then, and
always, to devote to thanking You,
recognizing Your infinite power to
continually draw them from the ever present
darkness. They take those 8 days with them
throughout the year and their lives, never
forgetting where they once were and the
infinite light they continue to ignite and
kindle. |
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1082. |
In Today's Issue
- Join the Daily
Shmiras Ainayim Calls:
Download Previous Shiurim
-
Q & A:
Can't I convince myself that women are
just people?
-
Rav Noach's Prayer:
Wanting it Enough
-
Link of the Day:
A GYE Member's Shuvu Banim Blog
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
Sobriety: The ticket into Life, but not
Life itself
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Join our Daily Shmiras Ainayim Phone
Conference
January's Shiurim Available for
Download HERE
Sun - Thurs at 4:45 PM EST
Number: 209-647-1000 /
Participant PIN: 616701
For more info on this daily call
see here.
Shimon Writes: I
wanted to let you know how much I enjoy
the shmiras einiyim conferences. The
Maggid Shiur is an extraordinary dynamic
personality. And the subjects mentioned
are very much insightful, from a broad
range of sources; Chazal, Rishonim,
Mussar and Chassidus... It is a great
chizuk for myself knowing that I am not
the only one working on this issue.
Aaron Writes: I
listen to the playbacks of the daily
shmiras ainayim shiurim when I'm stuck
in traffic. I really enjoy them, they
are very interesting, give great and
practical advice on keeping holy and
avoiding sin. The shiur helps me change
a situation which is stressful into one
that is productive and rewarding.
Thanks!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Download Zip files of MP3 audios from
previous Shmiras Ainayim Shiurim:
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Category: Q & A
Can't I convince myself that women
are just people?
I've been reading your emails and
materials for a little while and it
seems that there is only talk of our
actions in staying away from things. It
seems to me that the main issue is being
ignored. To me it seems that we have
these problems because we have an
outlook on women as just sex objects -
we are unable to view them as just
people and ignore their physical. For
example, when I talk with my male
friends, I don't think about any
physical or sexual aspect for them - why
can't I do the same for women? It's one
thing if they are dressed provocatively
- but many times they may be dressed
normally - but my addiction picks up on
even small things. So small, that later
I wonder what is wrong with me that I am
turned on by such a non-issue.
Reply:
That is what the 12-Steps mean when they
call it a "disease". Unfortunately, this
is the damage that we have done to our
minds through our addiction. We are no
longer like regular people, and there's
not much we can do about it besides
accept that we are different. By
accepting this, we are able to accept
also that we can't afford to lust like
regular people - not even a little. For
us, lust is like poison, once we start
we can't stop. The medical term for this
is "hypersexuality" and it can even be
tested with scientific devices (i.e.
that we are triggered by the slightest
things, and much stronger than most
people).
And just like you can't cure a broken
foot by convincing yourself that it's
not broken, so too you can't stop
lusting for women by telling yourself
that it's ridiculous to do so. Instead,
we need to learn a new way of thinking
and living. In the 12-Step program,
we learn to change our
motivations and live less
self-centered lives. We learn honesty,
integrity, dependence on Hashem, etc...
and this change in thinking helps us
cope with this three-layered disease
(physical, mental and spiritual).
The 12-Steps don't focus on "not
lusting" but rather on living RIGHT. And
when worked right, we start to view the
women around us as people, and not as
objects. But it takes a paradigm shift
in our motivations for this to happen.
Unfortunately, trying to just convince
ourselves of the fact is most often an
exercise in futility (for an addict).
I encourage you to join one of our
12-Step phone conferences to work the
12-Steps. Dov is starting a new cycle
this week. See this
page and
get in touch with Dov.
Hatzlacha!
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Rav Noach's Prayer: Wanting it
Enough
Rav Noach Weinberg's Yartzeit
was this past Shabbos.
There's a beautiful prayer that Rav
Noach once spoke to Hashem about his
work in Kiruv.
Click here to listen to Rav Noach's
prayer
Click here to view a transcript
On GYE in particular, we relate to this
powerful prayer because we know that
Hashem wants us to succeed in our holy
work. We just have to want it enough.
This prayer sums up the recovery process
that we all undergo.
May HaRav Noach be a Meilitz Yosher
for us all.
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Link of the Day
The prayer above was taken from a great
blog of recovery ideas and Torah
thoughts, written by a long-time GYE
member and Talmid of Duvid Chaim's
phone conferences.
shuvubanim.wordpress.com
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Daily Doses of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 14
years. See his story
here.
Sobriety: The Ticket into
Life, but not Life itself
Someone asked Dov:
Why is it that we are
hopeless etc without Hashem? It
is true that we can't fight
lust, but if we learn to really
handle our irritations, we will
be just fine. And for that,
can't we do it on our own by
retraining the way we think
about ourselves and the world
and what its all about and why
we are really here?
Dov Replies:
The way I look at it, I am not
powerless over trying. I am only
powerless over succeeding.
If I am smart (which I sometimes
am) I will try to see things in
a way that I will not need to
resent and act out emotionally
inside or outside - but that is
not the answer to success. The
steps are all about taking the
actions of sanity and love, and
thereby allowing G-d
to work through us. As the
Kotzker said, he only comes
where people let Him in. Indeed.
That is what the power of
bechirah means,
for an addict. Allowing Hashem
to help me by my own unnatural
and uncomfortable choices. "Ein
hadovor tolui ella bee."
But success at living well and
the the benefits of success are
all a brocha from Hashem, and
the experience I have, that the
results are so far beyond
anything I could have possibly
imagined or were shooting for,
are all the proof I need that I did
not 'do it', in the end.
It seems to be exactly like
Parnossah. We definitely see
people making more money when
they take on another job - but
mezonosav are ketzuvos from R"H.
It is all from Hashem, no? So
are we apikorsim when we are
mishtadel?
Maybe we are - but that is
not because we are being
mishtadel, for tzaddikim
through all our ages have had
jobs (and worked hard!) - yet
they surely were not apikorsim!
So nu? There must be a trick to
working like a dog (excuse me!),
yet still being
aware that all the parnossah
(the success) is totally a
brocha from Hashem. It is
exactly like sobriety, and in
many ways. Neither are the
tachlis, neither are essentially
good or bad - but lack of
parnossah/sobriety leads to
starvation/insanity and a ruined
and useless life...and having
sobriety/parnossah are the
ticket into life, yet not life
itself.
Sadly, there are many who see
sobriety/parnossah as the
tachlis of life. A mishega'as,
no? It's like saying the purpose
of life is 'not dying'.
Gevalt.
Work it out and let me know what
you come up with. I am not
saying I have all the answers,
but this is how I try to live it
all, be"H. And it seems to be
working so far, though He is not
through with me, as I have a
long, long way to go..
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1083. |
How to Deal with Addiction
The Fear of Setting Yourself
Free
By: Rabbi YY Jacobson
Sent by TheYeshiva.net
Rage Therapy
A man visiting a bar each evening, would
routinely throw glass cups at the
bartender and at the people sitting
around and drinking. Yet he always made
sure to follow up his violence by
pleading for forgiveness. "I suffer from
uncontrollable rage and I am deeply
ashamed of it; please forgive me for my
embarrassing and unforgivable behavior,"
he would always say.
Finally, the bartender made an ultimatum
with the man. He could not come back to
the bar unless he underwent therapy for
a full year. The man consented. He did
not show up at the bar any longer.
After the year finally passed, the man
showed up at the bar one evening. Lo and
behold he took a glass and threw it
right at the bartender.
"What's going on?" the bartender
thundered.
"Well, as you have suggested, I went to
therapy," the man replied, "and now I am
not embarrassed about it anymore."
Animal Laws
This week's Torah portion, Mishpatim,
deals with the laws of animals that
damage other people's animals or
property. Say, for example, your
domesticated usually well behaved dog
goes berserk and it suddenly attacks and
bites another person's or dog in a
public place. Or your domesticated bull
suddenly and uncharacteristically gores
and kills another bull. What's the law?
For the first three incidents, says
the Torah, the owner of the bull
pays for only half of the damage.
Since it is unusual for the bull to
let lose and gore somebody, the
owner of the bull was not expected
to be vigilant against it.
Therefore, he is not deemed
completely responsible for the loss
and he splits the loss with the
owner of the wounded animal.
This is true only for the first
three incidents. After three
incidents of such aggression, it is
now established that this bull (or
dog) is of a destructive nature and
the owner is expected to guard his
animal and is fully responsible for
all damages done as a result of his
failure to guard it.
Is "Repentance" Possible?
How about reorientation?
Can a bull or any other animal that went
astray, resume their original status of
innocence?
Yet, says the Talmud (3). This can be
achieved in two ways. Either the owner
rigorously trains his animal until its
disposition is transformed from an
aggressor to a restful animal. Another
option states the Talmud, is to sell the
animal or grant it as a gift to another
person. With a new owner and new
patterns and schedules, the Halacha
(Jewish law) assumes the animal, coming
from a species that is usually
domesticated and well behaved, to be
nonviolent until it is proven
destructive again (4).
The Psychological Dimension
We pointed out numerous times that each
law of the Torah contains in addition to
a concrete, physical interpretation,
also a psychological and spiritual
rendition. This is one of the primary
functions of the Jewish mystical
tradition -- Kabbalah and Chassidism --
to explain the metaphysical meaning
behind each law and Mitzvah of the Torah
and the Talmud.
How can we apply the above-mentioned set
of laws to our personal lives?
The Mystical Animal
Each of us possesses an animal within,
an earthy and mundane consciousness that
seeks self-preservation and
self-enhancement. In the Jewish
tradition, in contrast to some other
traditions, the human animal is not seen
as inherently evil and destructive, only
as potentially evil and destructive.
Originally, when we are born, the animal
within our psyche is innocent and even
cute, like a cute little puppy. Its
primary goal is merely to preserve its
existence, to gratify its natural
quests, and to enjoy a good and
comfortable life. However, if our animal
consciousness is not educated,
cultivated and refined, this cute
innocent animal can become a
self-centered beast; sometimes the beast
can turn into a monster, prone to
destroy itself and others in its quest
for self-enhancement and
self-aggrandizement. Sometimes our
animal can become addicted to various
things (food, drugs, nicotine, alcohol,
sexuality etc.) to desperately fill a
void it's experiencing.
Many people's animals do indeed become,
at one point or another, damaging
forces, causing pain to themselves or to
others. Yet there are two categories of
damaging human animals. One who's
moments of aggression are seen as
unusual deviations, and one in whom
these destructive patterns become common
behavior.
In cases where the animal is generally
moral and decent and its act of
destruction is an unusual anomaly, the
Torah states, we ought to be more
understanding of the "owner" of the
animal. Nobody is entitled to gore or
bite another human being ever, yet
practically speaking we need to remember
that even the most gentle husband could
lose himself and raise his voice in rage
and even the most loving woman may, in a
moment of stress, make an obnoxious
comment. It is painful, mends must be
made, but it's not the end of the world.
As long as the offender acknowledges his
or her wrongdoing and accepts
accountability for it, understanding and
forgiveness should follow.
To be human is to err. Our goal is not
perfection but accountability. Life will
sometimes throw a curveball your way and
in the shock that follows you may lose
yourself and begin to "gore." As long as
you are accountable for your actions and
words, your negative behavior is
considered an "anomaly," an aberration
to your natural self.
But, if the incidents of abuse and
destruction persists -- for example, if
a husband continuously shouts at his
spouse or children, or a person in
leadership position shatters the lives
of people under his control, or a wife
has only derision for her husband, or a
person cannot control their food or
sexual addiction -- this behavior should
not be condoned. We are dealing with an
animal whose selfish, destructive and
unhealthy inclinations have become the
norm.
Making mistakes is part of life. But
when these mistakes become regular
habits, without being controlled and
stopped, they are dangerous. Now
they have turned into a life style, a
routine, sometimes an addiction. The
owner of this kind of animal cannot
excuse himself or herself by saying, "I
did not realize, I did not know." He or
she must take the bull at its horns (pun
intended) and control it.
But how does such an animal return to
its original innocent status? How does
an animal gone wild regain the trust of
the people it has hurt so badly? How can
you change your life around?
Two Paths to Recovery
Two roads are available.
The first is a rigorous process of
self-refinement, in which the animal
learns to confront and challenge its
deepest fears and urges and to de-beast
its abusive character.
Yet, even before you manage to work
through all of the dark chambers of your
wild animal, the teachings of Judaism
present another alternative as well: To
change the jurisdiction of the animal.
Take your animal and submit it to the
higher power, to the property of G-d.
Even before elevating your animal to a
higher realm, surrender it to the higher
reality. Take your rage, your
addictions, your depression, and your
fear and submit them to G-d.
From G-d's perspective, the universe is
created anew at every single moment.
You, I and all of existence are being
re-created at each and every moment. So
right now at this moment you can put
your past demons to rest and start anew.
You are a fresh newborn.
Talk to your animal, and reflect
together on the following truth. Yes, I
know that you have a complicated past
and I am not denying that; I know you
believe that you are prone and addicted
to all types of behavior. But right now,
my dear animal, we will look to the
present, and we will live in the
present. You and I were just created
anew. With a clean slate. So let us
finally begin to live. For real.
Yes, I know it is scary to really feel
that you do not have luggage from the
past and that you need to take full
responsibility for your future, but
please let us muster our courage and
view ourselves from the perspective of
existing in G-d's domain. In His world,
everything is recreated each moment. We
can liberate ourselves from our past and
defy ominous predictions of our future,
as long as we do it now.
If you are serious, your animal will
listen.
The Prisoner's Dilemma
In the 16th century, an innocent Jew was
thrown in prison by a feudal baron who
gave him a life sentence. For some
reason, this tyrannical baron decided to
show the man a bit of mercy. He told
him, "Look Jew, you're my prisoner for
life, there's nothing that will change
that. But this I will do for you: I will
grant you one day of freedom a year
during which you can return to your
family. Do whatever you want. I don't
care which day you choose. But remember,
you have only one day a year."
The man was conflicted. Which day should
he choose? Should he choose Rosh
Hashanah, to hear the sounding of the
shofar? Yom Kippur, the holiest day of
the year? Passover, to celebrate a seder?
His wedding anniversary?
This prisoner, not being able to make up
his mind, wrote a letter to one of the
rabbinic leaders of that generation, the
Radbaz, asking for his advice.
The Radbaz said the prisoner should
choose the first available day. Whatever
it is, grab it now, don't wait - be it a
holiday, a Shabbat, a Monday, a
Wednesday.
A Flood of Positive Energy
This was a marvelous reply. More
important, it holds true for us as
well.
Practically speaking, take your self
and your animal and submit them to
G-d, by submerging yourself in
goodness and holiness. Fill your
days and nights with meaningful and
good behavior, with the study of
Torah, the observance of Mitzvos,
with acts of goodness and kindness
and with a life of productivity and
meaning, and much of the evil of the
animal will wither away.
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1084. |
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Running when your clothes are on fire
Someone wrote to Dov:
Sometimes when I'm going through a stressful
period, I can find myself masturbating in bed at
night semi-consciously. Sometimes, I can stop myself
before it gets too late, other times I don't fully
realize what I'm doing and go the whole way.
Did you ever have this problem, and if you did is
there anything you can suggest to help me cut this
out? I do have to admit that I was curious a few
days ago and also spent about 15 mins looking at
pictures of models. Obviously I shouldn't have done
that, but sometimes I think it just comes down to
stress.
Dov Responds:
Dear chaver,
Thanks for sharing that with me. There is some very
good writing on this sensitive topic in "Recovery
Continues" by Roy K. I suggest u look at it. It does
me good, as does most of that short book.
I found that as my lusting decreased, I had fewer
nocturnal problems, which felt nice. I discovered
that when I was free of nocturnal lust issues, it
made me feel good inside. Not 'holy' nor morally
good, but simply at peace with myself. I guess I
hate seeing myself as 'out of control', or at the
mercy of lust (or any forces) and lusting like I
used to, even in dreams. There were times when I
felt - in dreams - an awareness that "no, that's not
what I want," on an emotional level and recoiled
from acting out in my dreams, as well. It is no "madreigah",
at all. It's just the way we become naturally when
we do this work. It is a comfortable, natural
self-awareness that "this is not for me, period,
whether it is right or wrong or feels good or bad,
it is just is not mine, and that is the way I like
it."
But just as it was for me when I became frum (around
11 years old): not switching lights on and off was
very hard to remember in the first year or two....
but after a few years it became second nature. I
imagine that even if I were in a dream and the idea
of turning on a light came to me while I thought it
was Shabbos - I'd recoil naturally - not from
tzidkus, at all. Don't you feel the same way about
Shabbos yourself? How about for lusting behavior
like sex with ourselves? Is that in the same realm
for you? If not, I'd wager it'd be a matter of time
till it will be. Not to worry, I say.
Does this make sense to you so far? Is it addressing
your issue?
I am saying that if your response to lust during
your conscious hours
is about becoming at peace instead of lusting - that
is, with the aim being achieving peace with
it and growing free
of it as
a result of that inner peace - then it will be just
the same while you are asleep. Fighting it and
beating it - or ignoring it (they are kind of the
same, really) is just trying to 'run away' from it.
"Hevei boreyach min ha'avero kaboreyach min
ha'eish" works great - unless
the fire is on your own clothes! What
happens to people who are actually themselves on
fire, when they run?
The fire follows them and their running only fans
the flames! For an addict there is no running away,
is there? You and I run - and the flames grow and we
get burned worse and worse....till we finally
drop. "Stopping and Dropping" means hitting
bottom and giving the fight up completely to your
Higher Power. I lost. The fight is over for me. If
the flame - the addiction - is part of
me, then there is only one rule that really works:
Stop, Drop, and Roll. That is the way I like.
Admit it in writing to myself and to another openly
on the phone or in meetings, and surrender it by
admitting that I
obviously haven't the ability to
fight it. Not
because the Yetzer is
so strong, but because I am
sick. And I start to learn to roll right along
with real life
with my real G-d
and with the real people
around me. Growing up a bit through the steps in a
fellowship of other losers at controlling lust..
But if the person sees it as purely a moral struggle
- and the fact that he has the
desire is approached as a defect in him to struggle against -
then sleep will
just be yet another battleground. Another place
where he tries running.
Good luck to him...
Our way is not to deny or keep fighting (and losing
to) the lust - and certainly not
to give in to the desire! But rather to
finally surrender it openly to safe people who
really know it themselves. To admit who and what I
lust after and accept it,
and admit it to others.
To give it up. When I do that, I discover that I see
it all differently. I am no longer afraid of the
lust, nor of the women I lust after. I can let go of
them, let go of the overpowering lust. I start to
taste freedom granted by Hashem. He loves Emess that
much. It is obviously a sweet, loving gift from
Hashem.
If it is a specific woman that I lust after, then in
recovery I can speak the woman's name in
prayer to Hashem - for her sake, for they really are
people. I can care for them in the appropriate way
Hashem wants me
to, and can eventually begin to see them as humans -
like me. Fallible - not gods, frail - not 'gods',
confused and weak, with problems - in other words:
real people... just like me. They have no magic lust
power any more, then. Before that, she did
have power (for me)! Not any more. Now, I can
feel sorry for her, as I can for most people
including myself, when I think about the fact that
we all have real bitter struggles, problems,
life.... And then I can start to
surrender my lust, my sleep, my dreams, my sex, my
zera, my money, whatever I feel is in my possession
- and my
fear - to Hashem. And I get a good night's sleep
without touching my eiver at all and without needing
that erection, nor that fantasy. I do not want to
touch myself in a sexual way, at all. I may still
wish I could, but I accept that I simply cannot
afford it, just like turning on a light in the dark
room on Shabbos. Not gonna do it. I may have a desire to
do it once in a blue moon..."it'd sure be convenient
if I could turn this light on..." - so? So? So
nothing. I always give it up happily.
Happily is the key, here. Addicts cannot afford to regret the
fact that they desire stuff. Even outlandish and
destructive things. It just is natural to us
addicts, and therefore it is a fact of life. The way
it is, and Hashem knows it and always has. Period.
That fact of my weirdness is not something to run
from, fight against or be ashamed of, at all. Wanting to
turn on a light is natural. My body does not care
and does not even know that it is Shabbos. It never
will, as far as I assume. So I am lower than R'
Pinchas ben ya'ir's donkey. Sue me. For an addict,
this is the same.
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1085. |
Using the Big Book for Lust Addiction
By Peter / Pesach
It has taken years in recovery to appreciate that my
greatest defect in approaching 12 step recovery for
lust addiction was my desperation and panic driven
obsession to 'figure' this program out and do it
'right'.
The simplicity of the solution has blown me away.
The
Big Book of Alcohol Anonymous can be used for
lust addiction recovery. I've taken out relevant
terms like alcohol and drinking and replaced it with
lust and acting out. I've left the rest of the book
exactly the same way, then I sat back with my
sponsor, relaxed a bit and read it. When it
suggested I take an action I took that action. I
found that the more I let go of the wheel and let
the Big Book drive, the more I've gotten out of the
process. When I do Big Book work with a sponsee, I
try to the best of my ability to leave myself and my
analytical mind behind and approach the book like
it's simply one big prayer for us addicts crying out
to Hashem to save us from this terrible affliction.
I am seeing miracles.
May Hashem bring us all a speedy and full recovery.
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SAA Phone Conferences
We received the following e-mail today:
Hi, I'd like to introduce your members to SAA phone
meetings. Although the sobriety definition of SAA is
different than SA's, I've been on their calls for
the last 6 weeks and I feel it has saved my life.
I think the Guard Your Eyes website is great... It
has many great resources, Torah,
etc. and I can see how it can help religious people
very much. But there may be guys on GYE from all
kinds of backgrounds, and some guys may be
uncomfortable speaking in a religious Jewish
setting. As you know, this addiction is so
serious, we want people to get help getting sober
immediately.
Here's the link for SAA phone meetings
Hopefully, we all, as Am Yisrael, can support each
other. That is the goal, and GYE's
current phone conferences are great... But if
that is not an option for whatever reason, thank G-d
there
are other ways to approach it.
On the phone meetings (besides for womens' meetings)
anyone can call and listen. You don't have to speak
or introduce yourself. This is a safe way for
someone to get an idea of how this program works.
May Hashem
strengthen all of us to be in complete recovery for
life.
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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story
here.
Learning to Grow Up
Last Thursday we brought a discussion that Dov
had with someone. Here is a continuation of that
discussion (although it can be understood on its own
as well). The corespondent replies to Dov:
Thank you very much for your reply. Well, to be
fair I'm not totally at peace with lust during the
day. Sometimes, I do feel like I'm holding back a
beast that's ready to explode out of its prison.
When I meet a girl I like, it's very difficult for
me to ignore the sexual attraction element, just be
natural and treat her like a friend. Being
complacent after a few months clean and then falling
prey to curiosity and looking at swimsuit models is
also something I'm prone to.
It's not just a moral struggle - I've hit rock
bottom before and I know I can't afford to relapse.
The good news is that I'm falling less often as the
years go by and 'flowing more with life'. Unlike you
though, I just see the struggle as an enemy that
needs to be brutally suppressed. Hopefully though
with a few more years of growth and development I
will have made even more progress. So as you say,
"not to worry!"
Dov Responds:
The truth is that there is no "beast in prison", at
all here, but myself. I'll try to explain.
There are a few things that make me feel really
miserable. But the most reliable of them all is
acting out my lust. No matter how excited,
breathless, and sweet it may feel, it always, always
makes me feel just plain miserable and sick -
before, during, and after. It is completely
irrelevant to me why it makes me feel thus. It just
does, and always has. And this is besides the
results and damage it causes, like when I get in
trouble for doing x,y, or z.
So, I have discovered that no situation is so bad,
that it can not be made even worse by me acting out.
When I actively lust, all the other people in my
life immediately become a pain in my butt
(resentment of others and of the realities of life
is planted in my mind and truly makes sense to me);
avodas Hashem instantly becomes a dubious burden in
my heart ("so of what real value is it for me as I
am, anyway? Will Torah make me feel the way that
skin makes me feel right now? No!"); I feel like a
hopeless failure ("so why not be happy with just pleasuring
myself full
time?") ...more fear and resentment build from
there. This is not 'rish'us' - it is sincere. Wrong,
but sincere. That is why it is so confusing to us!
We know we are good - yet our behavior proves we are
very bad! ("Why me?") And through it, my addiction
cycle is then strengthened much further, simply
because my body knows how effective lust behaviors
are at squelching all those pesky guilt feelings and
crazy thoughts. And hey - it is my religious heart
that wants them to be squelched at all costs!
Resentment, fear, doubt, and desire - all them will
go away as soon as I 'do it'. They always go away
then... for a minute... as I have proven time and
time again. Finally acting my lust out, was always a
painful 'coming to my senses' and it returned to me
that sincere desire to 'finally be good'.
("Hey, I may be surrounded by wreckage - but at
least life makes sense again now! Phew! Familiar
territory again...") But that stinks. Cuz
enlightenment gained through addictive acting out is
just temporary, of course. The sanity disappears as
quickly as it came on - when I get 'thirsty'
again... and again...
But I have had enough of that stupid cycle, and it
sounds like you have, too. When can we finally hit
bottom?
Do you relate? Do you remember?
I am trying to share the pain so that the struggle
you refer to can be unmasked a bit further. It is
not my friend, at all. Never was, and never will be.
It makes me miserable, no matter how exciting it may
make me feel. Misery.
So I have emunah peshutah now, that when I sense the
sincere desire to get a better look at a magazine
cover, the rump of a coworker or a woman on the
train, etc., I need not go there. For it never
worked for me in the past, really.
In other words, it is time for me to grow up.
That's my recovery.
And clearly, if the fight is made the focus, I will
fail miserably. When I lust or resent, then I need
to pray
for these people to
my G-d. He loves them all, right? Jew, gentile,
tzaddik or rosho - He loves them, cares for them,
keeps them alive with His 'life'. Correct? Why not
join with Him in that love, and sincerely try to be
helpful to these (His) people? And the first thing
I can do for them is quit
undressing them in my head - wanting to
do that may be normal - for me- but doing that is
violent and disrespectful. Always. The next thing I
can do to help them and myself, is establish a
right-sized relationship with them - which usually
means to have nothing to do with them, at all, and
just wishing them well. Like for birds in the park.
But since they are people, I can pray for them to
come to know Hashem... Hey, even Goyim ought to know
and serve Hashem in the way that is right for them,
obviously. I see my true friendship and love affair
with Hashem as the greatest gift I have on this
earth. (Do you?) And Hashem talks about that
frequently in Torah and Novi. So I "Live and let
live." Finally, I can do what all tzaddikim have
always done for the b'riyah in general and for all
people in particular: pray for them all, bless them
all. As it is written, V'nivrechu b'cho kol mishpechos
ha'o'adomo.... b'cho ub'zar'echo. For me to speak to
Him m'umkah d'liboh on behalf of His b'riyos. When I
did this yesterday (and again today) in response to
attraction that I felt to the very pretty woman
working next to me all day, I was able to work there
and feel right about her all day long - which meant mostly to
forget about her! That was a great gift and a great
day, in my book.
Does this sit well with you?
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1086. |
In
Today's Issue
- Pesach:
Two
Recovery Pesach Halachos
-
12 Steps:
Having
Confidence in G-d as Much as in the
Shmutz
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Two Recovery Pesach Halachos
By Nat
I learned two halachos recently that
relate to some beautiful things about
recovery.
The first one is: If chometz is sent to
you in the mail on Pesach, you do not
have accept it. Basically, this is the
same message that a friend of mine in
the SLAA group says: "If someone gives
me a gift of emotional intoxication, for
example if he is angry, annoyed, etc, or
he wishes to discuss gossip with me, I
don't have to accept someone else's
chometz. I can say No. If someone wants
to give you a gift and you don't accept
it, to whom does it belong?
To be able to do this, I pray daily for
courage and use breathing techniques
that I learned. I can - and do - choose
which presents to accept.
To be honest and open, I am far from
perfect in this regard and I have self
esteem issues myself, but hey, my Higher
Power is granting me some awesome
blessings so far :) I have been able to
do this in reality with people who are
scary and believe they have financial
control over me, never mind the fact
that some of them are addicts.
The next halacha actually follows the
first, in dealing with someone else's
chometz:
The Nodah B'yehehuda and some other
Rabbonim would sell the chometz of each
person in their city even if unasked,
using the principle of "zachin leadam
shelo befonov". So too, I can pray
for each person I resent or who is still
suffering. When I ask Hashem to relieve
them of their chometz, they lose their
chometz in my eyes and instead of being
huge ego's who can hurt me, etc, they
are just diseased people who really need
my prayers!
And most importantly, this year Hallel
is going to be a huge part of the seder
(contrary to previous years
unfortunately).... I mean, boy, I really
have what to praise and thank Hashem
for. I am finally free!!!! Never mind
all the other gifts that have come along
with it self respect, empowerment, self
love, family stability, financial
stability, just to name a few... (It's
hard to believe that sometimes I'm still
like "oh I wish I could get some free
cucumbers in Mitzraim" (zacharnu es
hakishuyim asher achalnu beMitzrayim
chinam :)
A Pesach Kosher ve'sameach!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Having Confidence in G-d as Much
as in the Shmutz
By Elya (Eye.nonymous)
I am in the throes of a major lust
attack which started some time around
Tuesday and has continued through today
(Friday). I have spent lots of time
making calls, I have spoken to my
sponsor, I attended a GYE kumzitz, I
have been posting on the GYE forum, and
in the course of my daily interactions
with people I think I inspired a new
fellow to start attending SA meetings, I
attended a live SA meeting, I have been
praying repeatedly for G-d to remove
this lust from me, and I have done an
inventory of my character defects and
shared them with another person. Still,
I feel I am merely keeping lust at bay
but not having much of a victory over
it. I have had some dangerous slips and
came very close to falling and
re-setting my sobriety date which is now
more than six months (for the third time
in the past 2 years).
Whew.
At first, I thought maybe I'm just
thinking about recovery and about this
lust problem too much. Perhaps I should
put it out of my mind for a little while
and get on with life. On second
thought, I felt that something is
festering inside me right now and if I
ignore it, it's only going to get worse.
I saw that my efforts, my attempts to
work the program, weren't making much of
a difference. So, before I gave up, I
thought I would review each
step-starting from step 1, and see if I
am lacking something.
Step 1. Admitted I am powerless
over lust and that my life has become
unmanageable.
Especially in light of a definition I
heard from the "Sandy B" recordings
(available for free download from
Silkworth.net): The problem isn't that
once we start we can't stop. The
problem is really when we're sober; we
feel so miserable that we can't help but
take that first drink.
Yes, I have reached that point. The
reminder is helpful. But, I think my
weak point right now is with something
else. So I continued...
Step 2. Came to believe that a
power greater than myself could restore
me to my sanity.
Here I had a problem. I was thinking
now-isn't it my Higher Power that is
causing all these problems in my life
which is causing me to get all stressed
out and which is compelling me to act
out? HE broke my washing machine, HE
broke the hot-water system in our
building which knocked out our hot water
since 2 days ago, HE cause my children
to get sick which is keeping our
children and us up late at night (which
is putting a damper on the marital
intimacy department), HE is the one who
isn't coming through with the miracles
to provide me with an easy livelihood so
I can just keep on sitting in kollel and
learning for the rest of my life
(instead, I am now about to quit kollel
and look for full-time employment), etc,
etc.
YES, this was my weak point. My step 2
was faulty. All the moral inventories
etc (step 4 and onward) only work upon a
firm foundation of steps 1-3.
Otherwise, they merely are empty,
superficial, self-help and
self-improvement tricks.
How can I rely on a higher power for
help which was responsible for all my
problems?
This was a tough question to answer.
Then, also borrowing an idea from the
"Sandy B" AA recordings: Here I am,
about to look at p*rn and about to m*sturbate.
I am convinced, 100%, that if I do this,
I will feel better-all my problems will
go away (at least temporarily).
Despite my hard feelings towards G-d
right now, shouldn't I be able to have
at least as much confidence in Him as I
do in pictures of scantily-clad women?
And, perhaps my problems are a result of
my failing to truly put my trust in Him
all along. I was willing to give this
another try.
With that I was able to move along to
step 3 etc., and I feel I have now
gained a full reprieve from lust, just
for today.
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1087. |
In
Today's Issue
- Pesach:
Getting Rid of Chametz - On Pesach?!
-
12 Steps:
I
Can't. He Can. Let Him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ |
Getting Rid of Chametz - on Pesach?!
By Yosef C. in SA (and Tzvi Freeman
on Chabad.org)
The original piece is by Tzvi Freeman on
Chabad.org. But when I saw this, I
thought it would be great for GYE and
recovery:
There is a halacha, one that may appear
to have absolutely nothing to do with
overcoming self-destruction-but it has
everything to do with it: Let's say you
cleaned your house for Pesach. There
isn't a drop of bread, cookie, pasta,
whiskey, or cheerio-nothing in the
entire house. But then, in the middle of
Pesach, you discover some flour, wet
flour and...disaster of disasters...
it's chometz!
Every moment you leave that wet flour
lying around, you have chametz in your
house on Pesach, and owning chametz on
Pesach is everything that you tried to
avoid with all those hours of cleaning,
scrubbing and searching. Every second
that ticks by from this point on, you
are transgressing the aveira: "Chametz
shall neither be seen nor found on your
property on Passover!"
How long does it take you to get that
chametz flushed down the toilet? Ten
minutes? Five minutes? In a real panic,
maybe two minutes? Doesn't matter. Every
second spent, you're transgressing, big
time!....
Or are you?
Well, actually, the halacha is that you
are not transgressing at all! In fact,
you're doing a mitzvah and connecting
with Hashem. Every moment it takes you
to get rid of that chametz (the
'unwanted' presence), is considered a
moment that the chametz does not exist!
While you are pro-actively involved in
getting rid of the negative, Hashem sees
you involved in a mitzvah, not ch'v an
averia.
Because, simply put, there is no other
way to remove chametz other than with
time.
What if I tripped when getting rid of
the chumatz, and it broke and spread
around other places? What if I stepped
on it by accident and mashed it into a
crack in the floor?? What if it gets
stuck on me? BIG SIN right? Says Torahs
Chesed: NO. As long as we are involved
in getting the negative out of our
lives, there is only the mitzva of
removing it. No avera.
(See Shulchan aruch Ha'Rav 445, 1. 434,
6. And 433, 12).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
By the way, I am SO GRATEFUL I added the
GYE Blackberry App... No doubt I
would be slipping lately if not!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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I can't. He can. Let Him.
By
Benyamin Bresinger
The second of the Twelve Steps of AA is
"[We] Came to believe that a Power
greater than ourselves could restore us
to sanity." I interpret this to be the
step when we come to realize that G-d is
waiting to be trusted. When I develop a
trust in G-d, I never have to be alone
again.
Being restored to sanity through trust
in G-d is not just for an addict in
recovery. Every human being may have
moments of insanity. Any time we
sabotage our connection to our Creator,
we act insane. When I do something that
disconnects me from my Maker, it can
only be because I am temporarily insane.
Sane thinking will not allow me to act
contrary to my own wellbeing. And, my
own wellbeing depends on a healthy
relationship with my G-d.
When we look at the history of the
Exodus, we find that the Jewish people
as a group experienced a journey similar
to the one that recovering addicts
travel. The Jewish people were enslaved
to Pharaoh, and G-d was the One who set
them free. But Egypt is not just a
country; it's the paradigm for being
stuck, being enslaved by the burden of
self. Recovering addicts have
experienced in their own bodies the
bondage of addiction and the freedom of
recovery. All of us, in all generations,
experience the bondage of self, and cry
out to G-d to help us be freed. When the
Jewish people cried out to G-d in Egypt,
they took an action of "coming to
believe." Or, in the words of my friends
in recovery describing the first three
steps, "I can't. He can. Let Him." The
cry was a cry of recognition: "He can."
Later, when the Jewish people stood at
Mount Sinai, G-d revealed Himself to
them saying: "I am the L-rd your G-d,
who took you out of the land of Egypt --
from the house of slaves." Why would G-d
choose this as His introduction? He
could have presented Himself as the
Creator of the universe, or as the All
Powerful One. But, by saying, "Hello, my
name is G-d, and I took you out of
Egypt," He is saying, "I am there for
you. I want to have a intimate
relationship with you. I am a caring,
loving G-d that will 'get dirty' when
you're knee deep in mud."
Now, that's a message I need to hear
over and over again. Maybe that's why we
remind ourselves of G-d taking us out of
Egypt daily -- in the reading of the
Shema. But, I need more than hearing it
-- I need to trust it, and I need to act
on it. Trust is part of any relationship
because being in a relationship is
always a work in progress. It all starts
with a cry, with humility -- I need to
be open to the possibility that the
Creator knows me and is there for me.
So essentially, in their formative
years, the Jewish people did the first
three steps as a way of getting out of
their Egypt. We continue to take these
steps daily. We acknowledge our
insanity; we find G-d in Whom we trust,
and we do the work to be in a
relationship with Him.
G-d is still introducing Himself as the
One who took us out of Egypt. He is
saying, "Just as my love for your
ancestors compelled me to schlep them
out, so too, my love for you can be
trusted to schlep you out of the narrow
places of your own thinking."
Now, that's worth having a holiday
about! Happy Passover!
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1088. |
In
Today's Issue
- Pesach:
The
Barditchiver Rebbe & the Addict's Seder
-
Spiritual Tips:
Segulah for Overcoming Lust
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ |
The Barditchiver Rebbe & The Addict's
Seder
Rabbi Levi Yitzchak of Barditchov
(1740-1810) was one of the great
spiritual masters of his generation. One
Passover, following an emotionally
charged Seder, the Rebbe was told from
heaven, that Mosheleh the water
carrier's Seder was superior to his.
"This year," he was informed from above,
"G-d's most lovable Seder was that of
the water-carrier of Barditchov."
The
next day after services, the Rebbe's
disciples went up to Mosheleh the water
carrier and asked him to come see the
Rebbe. Mosheleh came before the Rebbe,
and he began to cry bitterly. He said, "Rebbe,
I'll never do it again. I'm so sorry; I
don't know what came over me." The poor
man was devastated. The Rebbe said,
"Listen, my dear Jew, don't worry so
much; just tell us what you did last
night."
Here
we must interrupt the story for a
moment. It is well known that generally,
intoxication and alcoholism are viewed
in Jewish literature as repulsive and
destructive. Yet our dear Mosheleh was
orphaned at a young age and was
miserably poor. He thus sadly succumbed
to the temptation of alcohol as a way to
deal with his daily agony and stress.
Essentially, Mosheleh was a good and
innocent man, a G-d fearing individual
and a pure heart, But this temptation,
unfortunately, got the better of him,
and he drank often.
The
"problem" is that on Passover you can't
drink whiskey. So Mosheleh had a
tremendous idea: He'll stay up the whole
night before Passover and drink an
amount of whisky that would keep him
"high" for eight days straight,
throughout the entire Passover holiday.
This
Moshe did: When the night before
Passover arrived he drank and drank,
until the minute when you must stop
eating Chamatz (leaven) on the morning
before Passover. When the clock struck
twenty minutes after nine, he took his
last "L'chayim" and he was out cold.
Seder
night arrived. His wife came to wake him
and said, "Mosheleh, it's really not
fair. Every Jewish home has a Seder. We
have little children, and we are the
only ones who don't have a Seder."
Mosheleh gazed at the Rebbe of
Barditchov and continued relating his
tale: "By then, did I regret that I
drank so much the night before! Did I
regret it! I would have done anything
not to be drunk. But I couldn't help it.
So I said to my wife: 'Please wake me up
in an hour. I just can't get it together
yet.'
My
wife kept waking me every hour, and then
every half-hour. Then, suddenly, she
came to me and said, 'Moshe, in twenty
minutes the Seder night is gone and the
children are all sleeping. Shame on you.
You are a disgraceful father and
husband!'
"Gevald!
I was so devastated," Mosheleh told the
Rebbe. "Here, my children are so
precious and I am such a lousy alcoholic
father, I didn't even give them a Seder.
I realized how low I have fallen, how my
addiction destroyed my life and my
relationships, how I sold my soul to the
devil of alcohol. So, with my last
strength I got out of bed and sat down
at the Seder table. I said to my wife,
'Please, call our holy children.'
"She
called the children and I said to them,
'Please sit down very close to me, I
have to talk to you.
"I
want you to know, children, that I am so
sorry that I drank. I am so sorry that I
am a drunkard. If my drinking can make
me not have a Seder with you, then it's
not worth it." I said to my children, 'I
swear to you, that I'll never drink
again in my life. But, right now, it's
Seder night, so let me just tell you the
Passover story in a nutshell.'"
Mosheleh
said to the Rebbe, "You know, I was
still drunk, and I barely know how to
read Hebrew. But, I tried my best. I
said, 'Children, I want you to know that
G-d created heaven and earth in seven
days. Then Adam and Eve ate from the
Tree and were thrown out of Paradise.
Since then everything went down hill:
There was a flood, there was a tower of
Babel - that was as much as I knew. Then
came Abraham and Sarah. They began
fixing the world again. Abraham and
Sarah, Isaac and Rebecca, Jacob and
Rachel and Leah and their twelve holy
sons. Then Pharaoh made slaves out of
us, and tonight, G-d took us out from
Egypt.
"My
Sweet children, now we are also in
exile. And I want you to know, that the
same G-d who took us out from Egypt is
still alive and present and very soon He
will liberate us from this exile too."
"I
turned to G-d, and said: 'Father in
heaven, thank you so much for taking us
out of Egypt. And I beg you, sweetest
father, please take us out of our
present exile very soon'! Rebbe, I'm so
sorry. I couldn't say anything more
because I was still drunk.
"I
Took the Matzah, Maror and Charoses
situated on the table and ate it. I
filled four cups and drunk them one
after another, I turned over and I fell
asleep again."
The
holy master Rabbi Levi Yitzchok of
Barditchov was crying bitter tears. He
said to his disciples, "Did you hear
that? Did you hear that? I wish that one
time in my life I should communicate
Yiddishkeit (the Jewish spirit) to my
children, the way Mosheleh the water
carrier gave it over to his children
Seder night. I wish that one time in my
life I should converse with G-d like
Mosheleh did during his Seder."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As low as we may have fallen the
whole year around, on the Seder night
Hashem shines a great light down to the
lowest places. If our heart's are broken
and we try our best, Hashem rejoices
with us as He did with the Jews in Egypt
3,000 years ago!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Segulah for Overcoming Lust
Someone wrote in to us:
"I had a major nisayon yesterday
& I was going crazy fighting it off,
davening & searching for a way out
all at the same time..... & suddenly
hashem put a thought in me to make a
donation to GYE & maybe in this
z'chus I'll be saved. I instantly
logged into my quickbooks and wrote
a check with a tefilah that Hashem
should help me in this z'chus. It
did the trick! May hashem continue
to help me not to have this nesayon
ever again....."
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1089. |
In
Today's Issue
-
Link of the Day:
The
Dangers of Social Networks
-
New
Cycle of the 12-Step Phone Conference:
Isolation vs. Connection
-
Parable:
Never
Let Down Your Guard
-
Tips:
9 Suggestions in Recovery
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ |
Link of the Day
The Dangers of Social Networks
Right Click and press "Save
Target/Link As" to save to your
computer.
Rabbi Pinchas Wallerstein speaks to
girls about a horrific story he
witnessed.
Spread this around!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Isolation vs. Connection
Shlomo, who leads
the night call, wrote as follows:
Yesterday on the call, we discussed how
this disease breeds in Isolation. We
spent so many years covering our tracks,
deleting our history and drawing more
and more into 'self' until finally
acting out and fantasy became our
I-Solution. When we are living in our
I-Solution we are also isolating
ourselves away from our source, from
Hashem.
The opposite of isolation is connection.
That is why we are going to work on
connection as a midah. We are
going to learn step by step how to undo
the years of developing an attitude of
"Don't Talk, Don't Trust and Don't Feel"
which feeds our isolation, and we will
learn to replace it with connection,
trusting and sharing; first with others
and then ultimately with G-D.
Join our new cycle of the 12-Step phone
conference that just began this week!
Mondays through Thursdays:
8:30 AM (Steve), 12 PM (Duvid
Chaim), 10:20 PM (Shlomo)
See this page for more info
U.S: +1
209 255 1000
For other countries, see
this page.
Participant Access Code: 637207#
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Never Let Down Your Guard
From Alan
Hi, I'm an addict. Although I've been
clean for quite some time now I still
call myself an addict and not a
recovering addict. Let me explain myself
with a story.
The Kotzker Rebbe once had a talmid who
thought he was ready to tackle the real
world. "Let me go out into the world of
business" he asked his Rebbe. The
Kotzker replied, "Do you see the Malach
Hamaves (Angel of Death) standing behind
you with a sword?" The talmid replied
with an honest "No". The Kotzker said,
"that means he already cut off your
head".
I think the point is clear. You can't
let your guard down. Hitting 90 days
doesn't make you invulnerable to new
attacks. Just because you haven't fallen
doesn't mean you are not about to. The
Kotzker was pointing out to us, that as
soon as we fail to realize that we are
in a place of nisayon and in constant
danger, then that is when we lose the
battle.
Remember, he's behind you with the
sword, because if not, he has already
cut off your head.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
9 Suggestions in Recovery
Jack, an old time member of GYE who
is clean for 3.5 years, wrote me today
to share:
After 3 1/2 years in 'the struggle',
here are a few thoughts:
1. There are no chidushim - as the
mesilas yesharim writes, we already
know most of the things we need to know,
it's a matter of reviewing them and
putting them into practice.
2. Be patient with yourself - these
things take time. But at the same time,
Don't fool yourself - you know if
you're progressing or not.
3. In the beginning stages of recovery
THERE ARE NO REASONS THAT WORK, abstain
for the simple reason that someone who
you trust TOLD you to abstain, ZEHU.
4. 90 days is a very good way to start -
it'll teach you things you'll need later
on. Stay on the roller coaster and
fasten your seat belts - it's a rough
ride.
5. The only way that you will actually
know and realize that something is
disgusting, is by staying away from it.
No intelligence in the entire world can
convince you it's disgusting unless you
stay away from it. Similarly, if you
stay away from learning Torah and doing
mitzvos, THEY will become disgusting in
your eyes (R''L).
6. Throw out all Hollywood movies in the
house - they are poison to an addict.
7. These things may take years to
accomplish - have patience with yourself.
As long
as you are moving in a foward direction,
you're ok.
It doesn't
matter if it's taking a long time. Of
course, if you can, faster is better.
8. At the end of the day, after the SA
meetings and the phone calls with the
sponsors, you will be alone. The bottom
line is, yes, surrender to what other
people you trust have told you to do,
but when you are alone, brute force is
needed as well. Are these 2 ideas
contradictory? Surrender vs. brute
force? Maybe. But they're both needed,
in my humble opinion.
9. Learn to live with discomfort, it
won't REALLY kill you, even though it
will FEEL like it's killing you. A real
human being always has a little
discomfort - in staying away from what
comes natural to him, but is really bad
for him.
Hatzlacha to us!
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1090. |
In
Today's Issue
-
Spiritual Tips:
We
Can't Just Coast Along
-
Testimonials:
Spot
On
-
Chizuk
Poems:
Emotional Safety
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
First
Step Inventory
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ |
Category:
Spiritual Tips
We Can't Just Coast Along
Ahron, an old-time GYE member and
clean for over 3 years, wrote to us
yesterday:
B"H, I'm doing well. Of course that does
not mean I'm cured. I've had plenty of
reminders, some pretty recently, that
I'm not cured. I'm learning that I
cannot do a little work and then coast,
like a skater. I need to work constantly
to keep my connection to myself and
Hashem alive and well. If something
worked yesterday, great. Today requires
a new focus and something slightly
different.
At times, especially at low points, the
focus needs to be on the daily tools and
attitudes that are outlined so well in
the GYE handbooks. But ideally, and when
things are calmer on the lust front, the
focus needs to be on becoming a new
person, as R' Twerski says. A healthy
person focused on growth and kedusha.
When you are consumed with Kedusha,
there is no room for lust. Even more
importantly (assuming lust is not
attacking, because if it is, NOTHING is
more important), when you are consumed
with Kedusha you are fulfilling your
purpose in this world. Can there be
anything sweeter?? When you die and
your neshama is reunited with its
Creator, there will be no surprise. Just
a warm embrace, "face to face", without
a physical body in the way.
In order to become someone consumed with
Kedusha, there needs to be a plan. A
curriculum of sorts, to be followed
every day. It must become your central,
driving force. The definition of who you
are. You are not your job or even your
family. You are an oveid Hashem.
Coming up with a curriculum and knowing
when and how to change it isn't easy,
but mussar and chassidus can be a big
help, especially if you have a Rav or
Rebbe to look up to for guidance.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Category: Testimonials
Spot On
From Sam
I finally seriously started reading
your literature a couple of days ago.
Just reading
the Handbook has been a huge help,
together with internal changes from me,
of course. Everything you write is spot
on, just the solutions I needed, and the
knowledge of where I am, what my
challenges are, and where they stem
from. Thank you very much
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Category: Chizuk > Poems
Emotional Safety
By Mordichai
I've been getting the emails for a few
months now, they're amazing, especially
when coupled with the things I work on
with
my therapist, R' Shraga Shlachter.
He is really amazing, and because of
what I've gone through and how he's
helped me change my life around, this is
what I want to do with my life as well,
help other yidden extricate themselves
from the pain and the paralyzing fear.
Thank you for helping to save my life.
Here's a poem I wrote called "Emotional
Safety":
Emotional safety is a funny thing,
It should really be what your
parents bring,
But if it is something that given to
you, they have not,
It then becomes something, for which
to be sought.
Heed my words; do not search amongst
virtual places,
It can be found, but does not last,
through the pretty faces.
To fight for it, you can, for He is
always there,
You can always fall back on Him, you
know he'll always care.
And when that safety, you eventually
find in His arms,
You'll also find that nothing, not
even yourself, can cause you any harm.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See
his story
here.
The First Step Inventory
We write down the details of our
acting out history on paper (keeping
it safe from other eyes, of course).
Start with the first discovery of
schmutz pleasure or sex in general,
and what happened afterward, our
next acting out habit behavior, the
next ones, and how we went overboard
with each, mainly focusing on
exactly what we did. Not the reasons
or motives for anything we did, but
just the historical facts including
as best we can: times we did it,
money spent on it, lying we did to
cover it up, years it spanned, and
so on for the next behavior... Till
we get to the last time we had to
act out, a week or day or year ago.
We write it 100% purely for ourselves,
and NOT to be read by anyone at all and
NOT to read it to anybody else, ever.
That's important. This is not prose, a
chance at making things look ugly, or
not so ugly, or like anything at all. "Lashon
n'kiyah" is silly here. This is
simply our precious chance to be real
with ourselves about the bare-bone facts
of our behavior. What G-d saw. Sounds
simple, no? It is a chance at some plain
old objectivity, for a change. And trust
me - it IS a big change for all of us.
That's why so many guys argue with the
idea of actually WRITING it, for various
excuses. It's why so many who DO write,
try to write it as a dramatic story or
an expose' of some sort. It's not
exciting, not fluid, not pretty. Nor is
it sad, either. It's just the truth. And
Hashem absolutely LOVES the truth. And
we do, too - eventually.
Once you are done with writing it all
out, we will talk about what to do with
it, be"H. We share our story with the
group - or with a trusted rov - or with
a single trusted recovery friend.
Perhaps you will not be ready to share
it ALL with them - that's OK! It will
all have to be shared eventually, for we
are truly only as sick as our secrets.
Experience teaches us this over and
over. You will know it, too, when you
try it. But honestly sharing our first
step inventory with OTHERS turns out to
be our first chance at learning how to
be truly honest with OURSELVES. That is
the way honesty really works: first we
start with a kernel of self-honesty.
Then we do the 'impossible' and share it
with otghers. Being truly honest and
open with others reflects back on us and
we begin to open up with much greater
honesty within ourselves.
Eventually, we will start to do
something that we thought we were doing
all along: being honest with our G-d.
Gevalt, we were not doing that...
Real life is starting, slowly and one
imperfect day at a time....
Hatzlocha!!
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1091. |
Announcement
Although we strongly discourage
Twitter accounts, GYE likes to use the
Satan's tools against him.
Someone created a Twitter account for
GYE and has volunteered to use it to
send out short chizuk messages a few
times a week. If you use twitter, you
can follow us by going here:
twitter.com/#!/guardureyes
We hope this can give people short
bursts of encouragement on the go!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Category:
Chizuk > Anecdotes
Happpiness = Outward Focus
By Rabbi Moss
A rabbi was called to a hospital to see
a Jewish teenager who was suicidal. He
had attempted to take his own life,
feeling that he was a good for nothing
who could not get anything right. Even
his suicide attempt had failed. The
hospital staff, seeing he was Jewish,
called a local rabbi to come and try to
lift the boy's dejected spirits.
So the rabbi arrived at the hospital not
knowing what to expect. He found the boy
lying in bed watching TV, a face of
utter misery, black clouds of despair
hanging over his head. The boy hardly
looked up to the rabbi, and before he
could even say hello the boy said, "If
you are here to tell me what the priest
just told me, you can leave now."
Slightly taken aback, the rabbi asked,
"What did the priest say?"
"He told me that G-d loves me. That is a
load of garbage. Why would G-d love me?"
It was a good point. This kid could see
nothing about himself that was worthy of
love. He had achieved nothing in his
life, he had no redeeming features,
nothing that was beautiful or
respectable or lovable. So why would G-d
love him?
The rabbi needed to touch this boy
without patronising him. He had to say
something real. But what do you say to
someone who sees themselves as
worthless?
"You may be right," said the rabbi.
"Maybe G-d doesn't love you."
This got the boy's attention. He wasn't
expecting that from a rabbi.
"Maybe G-d doesn't love you. But one
thing's for sure. He needs you."
This surprised the boy. He hadn't heard
that before. The very fact that you were
born means that G-d needs you. He had
plenty of people before you, He added
you to the world population because
there is something you can do that no
one else can do. And if you haven't done
it yet, that makes it more important to
live and do and give to the world a gift
that only you can.
To say G-d loves you means you can look
at yourself and be satisfied, feel good.
But to say G-d needs you means you can't
be satisfied, because you have work to
do, you have a mission, G-d has put you
here for a reason.
If I can look at all my achievements and
be proud, I can believe G-d loves me.
What if I haven't achieved anything?
What if I don't have any accomplishments
under my belt to be proud of?
Well, stop looking at yourself and look
around you. Stop thinking about yourself
and start thinking of others. You are
here because G-d needs you, he needs you
to do something.
My friend, you and I know that happiness
does not come from fulfilling our
desires. Happiness comes from serving
others, from living life with meaning. I
am convinced that all you need to do is
focus outward, not inward, not on what
you need but what you are needed for,
and in finding what you can do for
others, you will find yourself.
Good Shabbos,
Rabbi Moss
(The rabbi in the story was
Rabbi Manis Friedman)
To subscribe to Rabbi Moss's list:
CLICK HERE or email
rabbimoss@nefesh.com.au
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1092. |
In
Today's Issue
-
Parsha > Kedoshim:
Focusing On Who We Are
-
Chizuk,
12-Steps:
Doing
What We Can
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
Communication with the wife in recovery
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Category:
Parsha > Kedoshim
Focusing On Who We Are
Sent in by a GYE Member:
Between seeing everything that we
shouldn't do and living in a environment
that's contrary and antithetical to what
Yiddishkeit is all about (and learning
that we shouldn't do all of that), what
are we left with to keep us strong?
The Pasuk says, "Kedoshim Tihu, Ki
Kadosh Ani", you should be holy because
I Hashem am Holy: the ultimate peak of
holiness is the conscious recognition
that we are an extension of Hashem and
we were created in His image.
You're a prince and son of His Highness,
the Royal King of the entire existence.
Modesty and tznius is not about not
doing this or not doing that, its about
understanding who we are and what our
connection is to Hashem. Guarding our
eyes and thoughts are an external
manifestation of this, because
internally we know who we are and what
we mean to Hashem.
Only when we realize who we are and
where we come from can we understand how
we don't belong to such lowly base and
animalistic impulses.
Perhaps this is the deeper connection
between this week's parsha and this
weeks pirkei Avos.
We read chapter 3 in Pirkei Avos, ethics
of our fathers, and it starts off by
saying:
1. Akavia the son of Mahalalel would
say: Reflect upon three things and you
will not come to the hands of
transgression. Know from where you came,
where you are going, and before whom you
are destined to give a judgement and
accounting. From where you came--from a
putrid drop; where you are going--to a
place of dust, maggots and worms; and
before whom you are destined to give a
judgement and accounting--before the
supreme King of Kings, the Holy One,
blessed be He.
This order comes to teach us an amazing
teaching. Its actually two perspectives
on life. The Yetzer Tov makes you ask
yourself and gives you a statement of
conviction at the same time: Know from
where you came (ayin in hebrew means
nothing, we come from a place that's
higher than we can understand, the Holy
Jewish soul, our roots also came from
the holy forefathers), where you are
going (we are going to Olam Haba and
Moshiach's times where well once again
see all the Tzadikim and Hashems
greatness will be revealed), and before
whom you are destined to give a
judgement and accounting (your Father in
Heaven who is infinitely merciful and
loving).
But the Yetzer Hora, (evil inclination)
attempts to remind you how earthly and
animalistic you are and says:
From where you came--from a putrid drop;
where you are going--to a place of dust,
maggots and worms; and before whom you
are destined to give a judgement and
accounting--before the supreme King of
Kings, the Holy One, blessed be He.
The evil inclination usually gets you to
focus on how much of a corporeal entity
you are and that you have impulses and
instincts and usually gets you to stop
after the first two questions and makes
you halt at how you're formed of matter
and that "hey you might as well live it
up, we are all animals".
The Yetzer Tov makes you think about
your Neshama your holy Jewish spark,
your Yetzer Hora makes you think about
your body.
Cultivating the good and more positive
side of ourselves is more powerful than
focusing on our shortcomings.
I highly doubt that the staff at the
white house need to be constantly
reminded that they are in the
President's house and how they should
behave and dress because of who they
represent, but imagine their self esteem
because of where they work!
All the more so us, who represent and
share a deep connection to Hashem Echad,
the One and Only!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Category: Chizuk, 12-Steps
Doing What We Can
"Yosef Hatzadik" writes some chizuk
to a freind who had a strong lust attack
and overcame it:
You can't help it that you lust.
God knows that too.
Do you think he expects you to do
something which you are not capable of?
It is GOD who gave you your
capabilities.
If He decided not give you the capacity
to be able to 'not lust', is that not
proof that God doesn't expect you to
just "unlearn' how to lust????
My challenge is not whether I will feel
lust or not.
My test is, God wants to see what I
choose to do about it.
He sees me working a program.
He sees me doing (almost) anything that
I can think of & I am advised to do.
Then God loves me!
He is standing on the sidelines rooting
for me.
He wants me to succeed.
He wants to stretch out His hand & help
me along.
But only if I am going in the direction
that HE wants me to go.
I realize that after all this acting
out, my own mind is warped.
I cannot trust myself to make
any decision properly.
I need to ask others.
I need to be able to trust & do what I
am told, whether I understand & agree or
not.
I see others who were much worse off
than me, got better....
If they can, why can't I???
I can be (at least) as stubborn as they
are...
So then I need to ask them what they did
& try to do the same.
It seems to be working.
I am now sexually sober for the longest
period in my life!
I am learning the emotion called LOVE.
I feel love to my wife for the first
time since our chasuna 10 years ago!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See
his story
here.
Communication with the
wife in recovery
Dov writes to a guy
who describes poor
communication with his wife
Dear Chaver!
It sounds like the two of you
communicate quite a lot, sharing
some feelings, and the bitter comments
saying "she feels I ignore her", or
that she is "exceedingly angry with me
that I do this, or don't do that,"
that she lets you know she feels
depressed, etc - is all very
precious. That's poshut. But ironically,
it is she who seems to actually
be (based on your story) more open to
sharing her feelings with you - and also
earlier - than you are prone to share
your feelings with her - or with
anybody.
If that is so, I can certainly relate!
And I ask you: Why does that have to be?
It does not need to stay that way.
Here's why:
You are working steps 1 and 2 and
opening up to other recovering
guys about your insides now more and
more boruch Hashem - so....start to use
that in the rest of your life, too,
b'ezras Hashem. OK, so probably
communication and especially opening up
about your (often goofy) feelings has
not always worked in the past -
especially with her! No wonder our
typical delay...often leading to never
actually sharing them, at all (hence our
refrain of: "why rock the boat now that
we are 'getting along'?") It may have
felt like opening up to
her backfired...but then, in recovery,
you started sharing your insides. You
started practicing doing that earlier,
too, using other (safer) people. Your
wife may not like that too much. But you
can explain to her that you are not
'hiding' from her. Quite the contrary -
it is training that you need to
eventually open up *to her* naturally,
in the right way. Most of us communicate
- or *want *to..but we say it the wrong
way and at the wrong time *for her*. We
dump our emotions and pain on our
spouses. It's really rather cruel.
We sincerely expect (demand?) that she
be available to talk things over - while
she is having a bad day or busy with the
kids, etc... Gevalt. On our time. We are
literally speaking the wrong language to
her, then! Besides being selfish, we may
already be sounding to her like we are
squarely blaming her (gets her angry or
sad), or like crazy people (that
scares her), perhaps bringing proof to
her already insecure heart that
"this relationship is not working". An
it is not at all what we were trying to
accomplish, was it? We end up feeling
disillusioned, then WE are resentful at
her! It backfires.
Maybe I am off the mark with you - but
that does happen to many of us marrieds,
especially if we are also addicts,
especially if we are in *good* recovery,
especially early on in the first few
years of learning 'how to fly'... (if we
are in 'bad' recovery or not in recovery
at all, then we hardly even notice that
any of this is even occurring!).
But that's the past. This is now. You
can use your program, and you have
your program buddies to use. They can
hear you without getting
emotionally involved. Opening up to them
will train you in how to use
your relationship with your wife for
'release of tension' without the mistake
of imagining that you expect her
approval and affection (or sex) or
any personal emotional reaction at all!
In other words, without taking her as an
'emotional hostage'. Without dumping on
her in a way and time that hurts both of
you worse in the process. When we are
hurting, it is important to behave as
the separate people we are: "he/she has
his/her issues, and I have mine - *they
are not 'shared' "*. That way, she can
support - without getting dragged down
into your mess, and vice versa.
It may sound cold, like *less* of a
relationship - but that is a lie,
just plain wrong. It IS closeness -
safety to hear and support instead
of feel blamed or emotionally
vomited on. Afterward, we have the
option of reconnecting
again...that's normal marriage for
me. A marriage that WORKS. And the
program relationships are the
training ground for success in
marriage - cuz we buddies *know*
that we are not really 'attached'
and invested!
Always a *learning* process, the
really precious things are. (hey,
Yoda would say it that way, no?)
Love,
Dov
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1093. |
Category: Stories > One Victory at a Time
A Chassid of Reb Amram
Yosef in SA shared with me today:
I had a VERY SIMILAR experience 2 nights ago
to when Rav Amram climbed the ladder and
shouted 'fire fire' before he sinned,....
B"H(!) By reaching out to friends only
minutes before it happened, can I rejoice
about it today!
I was 30 min away from the sin.. There was
no $$$ involved.. It was mutual.. The real
thing.. No web image.. I 'had to 1st daven
ma'ariv and count sefira'.. I felt a bit of
teshuva.. Then I sent a text to 7 friends
asking if they were "awake still".. 4
replied.. We schmoozed over the phone and
texted.. I told the girl "my wife found out"
(a lie).. Now I deleted her contact info..
B"H I'm still 'here' to talk about it.. I
felt like $10,000,000 the next day.. Wow..
TO BE A YID!
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Torah:
Parsha > Emor
Parshas Emor
By YY Jacobson
www.algemeiner.com
An astonishing and sobering contrast
concerning the nature of the human
psyche captures our imagination in this
week's Torah portion (Emor).
The Torah prohibits a Kohen, a priest
(which includes all descendents of
Aaron), from marrying a divorced woman.
It also prohibits a Kohen Gadol, a High
Priest, from marrying a divorcee and a
widow (1).
Now, one can perhaps make sense out of
the former prohibition: Since a priest
served as the spiritual agent of the
Jewish people in Divine service, he was
required to live a life of complete
innocence and purity. Therefore, the
Torah did not want him marrying a person
involved in strife, innocent or not.
But why could the High Priest not marry
a widow? What is it about her husband's
death that makes her unqualified to
enjoy a blessed relationship with a High
Priest?
Several answers have been given to this
question (2). In this essay I want to
share with you one answer that I have
always found extremely disturbing yet
comforting, as it depicts how Judaism
does not hide its face from the
struggles confronting the human being.
Abuse of Spiritual Power
Rabbi Chaim Yosef David Azulaei, an 18th
century sage and mystic known in short
as the Chida (3), presents the following
interpretation in the name of the great
12th century Jewish thinker, Rabbi
Yehuda HaChassid (4).
The High Priest of Israel was given many
great spiritual powers. The most
important of them was his duty on the
holiest day of the year, Yom Kippur, to
enter into the Temple's Holy of Holies,
a place where no other living Jew was
ever allowed to enter.
On that charged day, the High Priest
would also pronounce the intimate
72-letter name of G-d, which contained
very profound powers. (The Jewish Sages
intentionally ceased teaching that name
during the period of the Roman conquest
of Jerusalem, and it has since been
forgotten.)
Now, the Torah is concerned that the
High Priest may experience infatuation
with a particular married woman. What
might he do about the fact of her being
married? Next Yom Kippur, he will
utilize the moment when he utters G-d's
ineffable name in order to bring about a
decree of death on her husband (5). Thus
he would be free to marry the widow.
It is as a result of this concern that
the Torah commands that a High Priest
may not marry a widow. Even if he
succeeds in getting rid of the husband,
he would not be able to marry the wife.
"Do not try pulling off this one," the
Torah informs the High Priest, "it won't
get you anywhere."
This is an astonishing idea. On the
holiest day of the year, in the holiest
place on earth, we are concerned that
the holiest man on earth, while uttering
the holiest syllables in the world might
harbor a craving to eliminate an
innocent man so that he can marry his
wife!
How can this be?
Angelic Heights
Now, let us contrast this with another
biblical statement concerning the High
Priest entering into the Sanctuary on
Yom Kippur, also from the book of
Leviticus:
"No human being shall be in the Tent of
Meeting when he [the High Priest] comes
to provide atonement in the Sanctuary,
until his departure (6)." Not only were
there no Blintzes and Knishes allowed
during the Yom Kippur service, but also
no Cohen's or any other people was
allowed to be present at the time.
The Midrash (7), in its never ending
sensitivity to biblical nuance, wonders
how can the Bible state that no human
being should be present at the time of
the High Priest's service on Yom Kippur,
when the High Priest himself was a human
being? At least one man was present!
The Midrash answers that when the High
Priest entered the Holy of Holies he was
not human indeed; he assumed the status
of a Heavenly Angel. Indeed, no human
being entered the Sanctuary with him;
not even his own.
What is going on here? We are confronted
with an uneasy contradiction. One
biblical source indicates the potential
mind-staggering lowliness of a High
Priest, capable of descending into the
lowest depths of depraved behavior,
while the other biblical source
intimates his potential for enormous
spiritual heights, capable of
transcending the human experience and
reaching angelic heights. How do we
reconcile the two? Who is the High
Priest, the holiest of the holy or the
lowliest of the lowly?
Dust and Image
Yet it is here that we encounter, once
again, Judaism's moving perspective on
the nature of the human being. There are
two ways in which the Bible speaks of
the creation of man. In the first
chapter of Genesis, man is described as
having been created in the image and
likeness of G-d. In the second chapter,
man is described as having been formed
out of the dust of the earth.
Together, image and dust express the
polarity of the nature of man. He is
formed of the most inferior stuff in the
most superior image.
The author of life and of mankind knew
full well that sexuality holds men --
priests and lay men alike --captive in
its enormously powerful grip. Even the
greatest of men are capable of falling
prey to its momentous temptation. Even a
High Priest, on the holiest day of the
year, in the holiest space of the world,
while uttering the holiest word in the
world, is capable of thinking about how
he can "bump a man off the road" so that
he can marry his wife. Judaism has
always been keenly sensitive to the
truth that every human being has a demon
lurking within. If you don't challenge
and tame it, it can turn you into a
monster; you are capable of ugliness in
the least expected circumstances.
But the author of life also knew that
man is capable of incredible greatness.
The soul of man being a "fragment of G-d
(8)," he or she is capable of generating
infinite goodness and encountering
within themselves infinite idealism. As
Professor Abraham Joshua Heschel, a
scion of the great Chassidic masters,
once put it, "Man is a polarity of a
divine image and worthless dust. He is a
duality of mysterious grandeur and
pompous aridity, a vision of G-d and a
mountain of dust. It is because of his
being dust that his iniquities may be
forgiven, and it is because of his being
an image that his holiness and idealism
is expected."
So, the next time you are overtaken by
challenging cravings, addictions,
temptations and any negative feelings,
do not fall into despair. Remember, you
are no worse than the High Priest of
Israel! You, too, may struggle against
horrible demons. But, you, too, may
still enter into the Holy of Holies.
It is up to each of us to define who we
are. The rest will become a self
fulfilling prophesy.
~~~~~~~~
Footnotes:
1) Leviticus 21:7; 14. 2) See, for
example, Sefer Hachenuch Parshas Emor;
Mai Hasheluach vol. 2 ParshasEmor. 3)
1724-1806. The Chida, author ofmore than
50 volumes on Torah thought, wasoneof
thegreat Torah luminariesof hisday.
Heresided in Israel, Egyptand Italy.
Rabbi Chaim YosefDavid Azulaei was also
a Kohen asis evidenced by his nameAzulai,
the acronym of "isha zona vachalala lo
yikuchu." The Chida quotes this
interpretation in his book Penei David.
The following explanation is also quoted
in MoshavZekanaim Al Hatorah (by
theFrench 13th century authorsof
theTosefot on theTalmud) in the name
of"the Chassid." Parenthetically, in an
Emor essayby Rabbi Yissachar Frond
hequotes Rabbi Bergman as stating that
theabove mentioned "Chassid" quoted in
MoshavZekanim refers to The Rokeach
(this isthe 13th century German mystic
and sage, Rabbi Eliezer Rokeach). Yet,
based on theexplicit reference given by
the Chida, I think theMoshavZekanim is
referring to Reb Yehudah Hachasid.
Itshould also benoted thatthe Chida
himself rejects this interpretation in
Penei David ibid. 4) Rabbi Yehuda
HaChassid, who resided in Regensburg,
Germany and authored the famed Sefer
Chassidim, was known as one of the great
kabbalists and Halachik authorities
ofhisday. 5) This is what Moses did when
hewishesto kill the Egyptian who
wasbeating a Jew (Exodus 2:14 and in
Rashi ibid.) 6) Leviticus 16:17. 7)
Midrash Rabah ibid. 8) See Ramban to
Genesis ch. 2; introduction to Shefa Tal
(a 17th century major Kabbalisticwork by
Rabbi Shabsi Sheptel Horowitz); Tanya ch.
2.
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1094. |
In
Today's Issue
-
News:
GYE and the Upcoming Assifa in Citi-Field
-
12-Step Attitude:
The
Ship In The Harbor
-
Attitude & Perspective:
Surrendering to Hashem Through Addiction
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Category: News
GYE and the Upcoming Assifa in Citi-Feild
To all those who are wondering whether GYE
is involved in the upcoming Assifa, the
answer is yes, although not directly.
Rav Aharon Feldman Shlit"a spoke with Rav
Matisyahu Solomon about our work, and about
the importance of getting out the word that
there are resources available for those who
need more help than just "filters". The
Mashgiach gave his official approval that
our flyers be distributed at the event
(albeit with a different name,
Venishmartem, and without mention of a
website, only a hotline and e-mail address).
We have confirmation from the organizers
that our flyers have been placed in the
booklet that will be distributed at the
event to all the attendees.
The goals of the upcoming Assifa in Citi-Field
are truly commendable. There is indeed a
fire burning in Klal Yisrael today because
of digital technology. Let us heed the call
of the Gedolim and strengthen our fences,
for ourselves and our families. There is no
more appropriate preparation for Kabbalas
Hatorah than this!
If we can get rid of the internet altogether
and only use it in protected environments
(as discussed in
this article) then let's do it by all
means! The only really safe internet is
NO INTERNET!
For information and help on setting up a
live video Hook-up to this historic Assifa
in your shul, call 732 333 2263.
For help in setting up an evening Assifa of
technicians in your community to help people
install filters, call Yitchak Kaller: 732
901 6176
Recently in
the news:
"The Fire Services' investigation of the
blaze that killed six members of the Shaer
family in Rehovot has found that the fire
was caused by a laptop computer that was
placed on a bed."
Is Hashem possibly sending us a frightening
message here?
We cannot know Hashem's ways... but these
holy Neshamos should have an aliyah in the
zechus that we all strengthen and protect
ourselves from the burning fires of
technology!
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Category>
12-Step Attitude
The Ship In The Harbor
Mazal Tov to "Techeiles-mordechai" on
his recent engagement!
He is about 150 days clean and he
wrote me some chizuk to share:
There's a saying that "A ship in harbor
is safe, but that's not what it was
built for."
Us addicts may feel safe and in control
of our own happiness while using our
lust, even playing G-d a little bit at
times by trying to control our lives'
outcomes. But realizing that simply
makes us into "ships in the harbor", and
that our real tafkid is not to be safe
against the dock, but rather to be
riding the waves of life with Hashem's
guidance and care. Hashem built each and
every one of us with exactly the right
measurements, proportions, and
calculations to overcome each ripple in
the water, enormous, big, small,
or minuscule, and if we just "play it
safe" without leaving the docks of our
lust, then all we are doing is becoming
a show, a museum, a thing for people to
look at with passing amusement before
moving on to something more real.
R' Shmuel Sheinberg ZT"L (brother of R'
Chaim Pinchas ZT"L) used to say that the
reason why we make bris milahs and
levayas into such large affairs, is
because they are comparable to ships
leaving harbor and coming back into
harbor. When a ship leaves on its maiden
voyage, it leaves with much pomp and
circumstance. When it returns safely to
harbor, it is greeted back with similar
celebration. The same is true with human
life. A person is sent off into the
ocean of the world with a party, with a
farewell of "k'sheim she'nichnas
l'bris, kain yikanes l'torah, l'chuppah,
u'l'maaysim tovim." When that person
"returns to port", he is also greeted by
members of his family and friends who
loved him and respected him, and is
brought back to his place of origin
amidst words of remembrance of his great
deeds and accomplishments during his
voyage.
May we be zoche to successfully leave
the harbors of lust that we have fooled
ourselves into thinking create safeties
for us, and sail out proudly into the
sea of real life, of living with the
ultimate security that Hashem is
constantly guiding and guarding us
through every wave and ripple (not to
mention that he creates the waves for us
because He knows we can handle them).
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Category:
Attitude & Perspective
Surrendering to Hashem Through
Addiction
Jack, who is clean for over 3 years
since he found GYE, recently wrote:
You're not going to believe this, but
here goes -
If not for this addiction, I would not
have learned the concept of surrendering
to G-d and the Torah, which all Jews
have to do. The way I learned this
crucial concept was, in trying to find
what works in fighting an addiction, I
found that we have to let go of our own
selves and submit to an entity of our
choosing who we trust. My entities were:
you, Elya, Dov, Kedusha, and of course,
the Torah, which in fighting an
addiction, comes last. This led me to
the idea that in Judiasm, this is what
we have to do!!! I never knew that!! Or,
I never fully understood what that
meant.
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1095. |
In Today's Issue
-
Testimonial:
Kedusha Lecha Yishaleishu
-
Torah, Yartzeit:
Yesod Shebiyesod
-
Parsha Talk:
Hashem Loves the
Small Steps
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Category: Testimonials
Kedusha Lecha Yishaleishu (3 Years!)
An E-mail today from "Kedusha"
Dear Chaveirim,
B'Ezras Hashem, I am very happy to report that, as
of today (May 18), I am three years clean. When I
counted Sefira Thursday evening, I was astounded
when I realized that today is Yesod shebeYesod. What
Hashgacha!
I
am tremendously grateful to the RBS"O, to Guard, and
to the GYE community for helping me reach this
point. To those whom I know from the forum and,
especially, to those whom I've spoken to or met in
person, your friendship means a great deal to me.
As
we approach the historic Asifa on Sunday, let us
take tremendous Chizuk in how far we've come in this
struggle, individually and as a community, and let's
be confident that, with the help of the RBS"O and
each other, we can continue to make significant
progress.
Chazak v'Ematz!
Sincerely,
Kedusha
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Category>
Torah, Yartzeit
Yesod Sheb'Yesod
Today is Yesod
shebi'Yesod of
the Seffirah. Everyone knows that Yesod represents
the area of Shmiras
Habris, so today is a very auspicious day for
progress in these areas.
The week of Yesod in the Sefirat HaOmer corresponds
to the rectification of the holy bris. Shabbos is Malchus
She'biyesod. "Malchus" is the
all-inclusive day, which is the highlight and
culmination of the week of "Yesod".
Each day of
the counting, we are called upon to rectify
another sefirah. This is an integral part of the
process of inner purification that we are to
undergo as we approach the holiday of Shavuos.
We are not only to mention the day, but also to
undertake the detailed, laborious toil of
perfecting our character traits and the channels
of celestial blessing that are directly parallel
to them, just as a marionette puppet is
connected to the hand above, or just like the
keys of a piano are connected to the chords
inside the piano's lid. Each time a key is hit,
a different sound is produced. So too, each time
we improve a character trait, a channel of
blessing is cleansed in the spiritual worlds
above, releasing a flow of blessing to our world
below.
Today and this Shabbos (Malchus She'biyesod), is
an especially auspicious time to take
upon ourselves more stringency in purity, in
preparation for the giving of the Torah!
Below is a picture of the holy Tzadik Yesod Olam,
Rav Shlomo From Zevil, whose Yartzeit is today, Yesod
she'beYesod. He worked his whole
life on the aspect of family purity amongst
Yidden, and with his own hands and at his own
expense he built countless Mikva'os in Eretz
Yisrael.
In his
merit, may we all be Zoche to true Kedusha and
Tahara!
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Parsha Talk: B'chukosai:
Hashem Loves the Small Steps
"V'im
beheimah asher yakrivu mimena korban laShem kol
asher yitein mimenu laShem yiyeh kodesh (27:9)
And if an animal which you will bring from it a
sacrifice for Hashem, whatever he shall give from it
to Hashem will be holy."
If someone who is led
by his animalistic desires will decide to come a bit
closer to Hashem,
every little bit
that he will sacrifice for Hashem from his "animal
nature" for Hashem's sake is holy!
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1096. |
In Today's Issue
-
Lessons From Current Events:
Driving Without
Brakes
-
Video Link of the
Day: Never
Give Up!
-
Tips &
Perspective:
Missing Our Old
Habits - Enduring Discomfort
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Driving Without Brakes
Less than 2 months ago, a frum family of six
perished in a
fire caused by a laptop....
And now... GEVALT!! Another 8 pure Yiddish
Neshamos perished - in a fire caused by the crash of
a car that lost its brakes!
From the news:
"An initial investigation into the cause of the
crash, which occured on a winding road near Tiberias,
pointed to a brake failure.
They also believe the high speed of the car -
which was traveling some 80 miles per hour when it
veered off the road - was a result of the
malfunction of the brakes rather than the fault of
the driver.
Authorities believe that Attias lost control of
the car near Tiberias after the brakes
malfunctioned, and that the wheels caught fire after
the car hit the highway's concrete separation
barrier. The car then jumped to the opposite side of
the highway, broke through a fence, and raced
through a field where it ultimately rolled into a
swale and flipped over."
When terrible things like these happen we all have
to ask ourselves, "How can I strengthen myself? What
lesson can I take from this terrible tragedy?"
No one can profess to understand Hashem's ways,
but we all know that surfing the internet without a
filter is like driving a car whose brakes have given
way. We might be able to navigate a few turns
safely, but once we start going downhill we will
careen out of control and eventually crash and burn,
R"L!
While a car is a tremendous tool to help us get to
the places we need, a car without
brakes is
not only useless - but guaranteed to be
FATAL.
This accident happened the night after the Internet
Assifa in Citi-Feild. And both this tragedy and the
one 2 months ago took place in the Tekufah when Klal
Yisrael as a whole was finally awakening to the need
to use technology ONLY WITH GOOD BREAKS.
This was a family that excelled in the mida of
Tznius (see
here). Who knows if these holy Neshamos were not
taken from us as a Kapparah for Am Yisrael
(as Rav Grossman eloquently suggests in this
article) to reinforce this message from
Above, and as a dire warning to those who
do not take heed.
We just launched
www.venishmartem.com to help Klal Yisrael use
technology safely.
May these holy Neshamos see an Aliyah through our
strengthening ourselves and our fences.
Amen!
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Link of the Day
Never Give Up!
Watch
this inspiring video and realize the tremendous
potential that we all have to accomplish much more
than we think possible. Never give up on yourself!
From
Aish.com
over here
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Missing Our Old Habits
Enduring Discomfort
By Madisyn Taylor
Sometimes when we break a habit or addiction we
find ourselves missing it like a dear friend.
Whenever we make the effort to free ourselves of an
addiction or a habit we no longer need, we are often
surprised to find ourselves missing the old pattern
as we would a familiar friend. This sounds
counterintuitive, because we think we should
instinctively gravitate toward that which is good
for us. And yet, it makes a lot of sense when you
consider that we humans are creatures of habit. This
is why we gravitate to people and places-and
patterns of behavior--that make us feel comfortable.
Therefore, many of the habits we form are not
conscious and are based instead on learned behavior
from role models who were not always making the
healthiest decisions.
Most addictions begin as a way of avoiding feelings
that are extremely uncomfortable, so it makes sense
that stopping the addiction means, for a time, a
fair amount of discomfort. The same, of course, is
true of habits that we have developed over time that
we are ready to release. Just knowing that this is
hard, and having compassion for ourselves as we work
through this process, can help us to stay the course
when we feel the urge to backtrack. It's also
helpful to remember that in time we will establish
new, healthier patterns, and the yearning for the
old ones will disappear. Eventually, we will
instinctively reach for things that are good for us,
and the longing for positive change may form the
basis of a new habit.
The only way to get to this new place is to endure a
time of difficulty, which is a challenge we can
confidently handle, if we remember that it will lead
to the change we seek in our lives. Our bodies,
hearts, and minds always need time to adjust to a
new way of doing things, but they will adapt, and
even become our allies, if we remain true to our
vision of a new way.
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1097. |
How can I rejoice with receiving the
Torah?
An e-mail we received today:
It's coming now kabalas hatorah, and
I need a paradigm shift in saying "naseh
venishma". I am being bothered by
something that keeps coming to mind
every so often, especially when learning
about kedusha/aroyis or saying nase
venishma to the whole torah. Please
don't judge me for asking such a
question I know a yid should know
better, but I still get it in my head.
We told Hashem that we'll listen and
obey the torah, the torah commands us to
serve him with happiness, we say in
krias shema "Bechol levovchu" chazal say
"shlo yehu libchu chuluck al hamokom",
but in my struggle with this I keep on
asking my self 'I don't know what Hashem
really wants me to do now', how does He
want me to keep going without acting on
my desires. Why has He put me here with
all these billboards, women dressed
inappropriately around me, triggers from
all sides, etc. when He wants me not to
act on it. I do believe Hashem is doing
everything with purpose but I lose my
right way of thinking here, I don't know
how this situation works with my
beliefs... I do want to accept the WHOLE
torah but I am still jealous on the
people who don't have rules & laws of
tznius, why can't I enjoy all these
temptations? Somehow I can't find it in
my heart to accept this besimcha. I know
that the Torah way is the better way of
life, but the uncontrollable impulse is
slapping me in my face. My mind feels
like in a washing machine going back &
forth.
I wish I can get my perspective changed
on this before yom tov.
Thanks
Reply:
It's erev Yom Tov, so I don't have much
time to elaborate, but perhaps Hashem
will put the right words into my head...
Indeed, the Yidden in the Midbar also
weren't so happy with the Mitzvos of
Arayos when they received the Torah.
Chazal say "bocheh Lemishpechosam
- al iskai mishpechosam - they
cried about the issurim of arayos, which
are perhaps the hardest of all the
Mitzvos to keep...
But the purpose of the entire Torah and
Mitzvos is d'veikus, as the Pasuk says:
"And you shall cling to Him", to become
ONE with Hashem. Hashem has no needs; by
essence He is a "giver". If we are
different than Him in our essence, if we
are "takers" and not "givers", we can't
be "davuk" with Him.
The Torah was given to us to help train
us to want to be of SERVICE to Hashem
and to others rather than living for the
SELF. And indeed, as millions of humans
around the world can testify, true
happiness is only achieved when a person
feels he is useful to others, his
family, mankind, his people, and to
Hashem. It is the calling of our
souls. Those who run after their
desires never achieve happiness, even if
they get what they thought they
wanted. All they get is a fleeting
pleasure that quickly disappears and
demands more - to fill the void left
over... That is why Hashem who loves us
dearly, gave us the Torah and Mitzvos.
To help us learn to be a servant to the
Almighty, to love our fellow man, to be
selfless in our devotion to our G-d and
to our people. This is the only thing
that can bring us true happiness and
fulfillment.
So while all the desires of the world
beckon to us and we think Hashem is
"mean" for not letting us have it all,
in reality He is giving us the greatest
gift of all. He is training us, as a
father teaches his 1 year old son to
walk, with falls and getting up, holding
then letting go, again and again,
teaching us slowly how to let go of the
SELF and be like HIM, so we can become
ONE with Him, the Almighty G-d; the
greatest honor and joy of all.
(And those of us with addictions ruining
our lives can achieve this awareness
even easier than normal people. Because
to break free and survive, we have NO
CHOICE but to learn this secret - which
is the underlying theme of the 12-Step
program. For us it is not a madreiga,
but a necessity, lest we lose everything
precious to us).
So let us be Mekabel the Torah with
great joy, and thank Hashem for this
priceless gift... While all of humanity
run blindly after pleasure never
achieving it, and never achieving
happiness, those who serve Hashem and
live a Torah life are the happiest men
on earth. As Chazal say on the Pasuk
"Charus al Haluchos": "There is no
true freedom besides for He who lives a
Torah life". True freedom is freedom
from SELF.
For more elaboration on this critical
Yesod,
see here.
May we all be zoche to accept
the tremendous divine gift of the Torah
with true love and joy, and ask Hashem
to make us into true vessels for His
holy Torah. Amen!
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1098. |
Who Are the Happiest People on Earth?
From... "Stories to Live By" Dr.
Morris Mandel
A newspaper editor once offered a prize
for the best answer to the question,
"Who are the happiest people on earth?"
The four winning answers were the
following:
1. A mother bathing her baby.
2. A craftsman, or an artist, whistling
over a job well done;
3. A doctor who has finished a difficult
operation and saved a human life ;
4. A little child building castles in
the sand.
Notice that all four people had one
thing in common. None of them was
engaged in a selfish pursuit of
pleasure. Each was absorbed in some task
- that seemed important, and that caused
him to forget himself.
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Parshas Bahaaloscha
The last of the 12 step involves
carrying the message to others.
Experience has shown that an addict who
does not stay involved in helping others
will often relapse. What is the secret
power behind this 12th step?
Perhaps we can understand it through
this enlightening article on Parshas
Bahaaloscha from Rav Tzvi H Weinreb of
the Orthodox Union. May it encourage us
not only to be of service, but to also
know that each of us has so much to
give!
"Earning Self-Esteem"
Click here for the original article
It was a lesson I learned long ago, when
I was a high school classroom teacher. I
was new at this line of work, and found
that my greatest challenge was to find
ways to motivate the students. I tried
various approaches, which all were
basically attempts to motivate by
giving. I tried giving special prizes
and awards, granting extra privileges,
and even resorting to outright bribery
in order to get the students to pay
attention, do their homework, and learn
the subject matter.
It was a wise mentor who taught me
that you can't motivate students by
giving to them. Rather, you must
find ways to encourage them to give
to others. The student who gives to
others feels important, and it is
the consequent sense of self-esteem
which is the most powerful motivator
of all.
I'll never forget the first time I
tried that strategy. I approached
the most recalcitrant student in the
entire class. He happened to be a
very bright young man, who was, in
today's terminology, "totally turned
off" to his studies.
I asked him to assist two weaker
students with their daily
assignment. I caught him completely
off guard, so that his reaction was
one of utter surprise.
"Who, me?" he exclaimed. "Why should
I help those two dunces? If they
can't figure it out for themselves,
let them flunk."
Although I was convinced that any
appeal to his sense of altruism
would be futile, I nevertheless gave
it a try. I told him that for a
society to function successfully the
haves must help the have-nots, the
strong must aid the weak, and those
who are blessed with talent must
share their gifts with those who
were less fortunate.
It was the phrase "blessed with
talent" that did the trick, for he
responded, "Do you really think I'm
blessed with talent? I guess you're
right. I am a talented dude, and I'm
going to try to teach those
blockheads a thing or two. But if I
don't succeed, it won't be my
fault!"
He did succeed, and very
dramatically. And he recognized that
if he was to succeed again at this
tutorial task, he would have to be
even better prepared next time. He
went home that night and studied
hard, and was indeed even more
successful with his two "blockheads"
the next day.
I won't go on to provide the details
of my strategy of applying this
technique to the rest of the class.
Instead I want to demonstrate that
this secret of human motivation is
implicit in a brief passage in this
week's Torah portion, Beha'alotcha.
In this parsha, the Torah devotes
all of the tenth chapter of Numbers
to a detailed description of the
sequence in which the tribes marched
through the desert. About two thirds
of the way into this chapter, we
unexpectedly encounter the following
conversational interlude:
And Moses said to Chovav, son of
Reuel the Midianite, Moses'
father-in-law, "We are setting out
for the place of which the Lord has
said, 'I will give it to you.' Come
with us and we will be generous with
you; for the Lord has promised to be
generous to Israel."
" 'I will not go,' he replied to
him, 'but will return to my native
land.' "
"He said, 'Please do not leave us,
inasmuch as you know where we should
camp in the wilderness and can be
our guide [literally read as
"eyes"]. So if you come with us, we
will extend to you the same bounty
that the Lord grants us.' " (Numbers
10:29-32)
That ends the dialogue, and we are
never explicitly told whether or not
Moses' second attempt at persuasion
convinced Chovav to accompany the
children of Israel. His first
attempt, promising to be generous to
him, was rejected emphatically by
Chovav with a resounding, "I will
not go!"
What did Moses change in his second
attempt? Quite simply, he told
Chovav that he would not be merely
the passive recipient of another's
generosity. Rather, Moses assured
Chovav that he had expertise which
was indispensable to the Jewish
people. He could give them the
guidance through the wilderness that
they desperately required. He would
not just be a taker, but a giver as
well.
In short, Moses was appealing to
Chovav's sense of self-esteem. He
was saying to him, "You are an
important person. Your talents are
needed. You are an actor with a part
to play in this drama."
What I was doing, as a fledgling
teacher so many years ago, to that
turned-off student, was essentially
precisely what Moses was trying to
do with Chovav in his second attempt
to convince him to accompany the
children of Israel upon their
journey through the desert.
When reading the text, one can
easily assume that Moses learned a
great lesson which caused him to
abandon the strategy of promising to
be generous. Instead, he adopted an
entirely different strategy, one
which conveyed the message to Chovav
that he would not merely be a
consumer of favors. Rather, he would
earn the Lord's generosity because
of the valuable contribution that he
would make, and that only he could
make.
There is a lesson here not just for
teachers and students, or leaders
and followers. There is a lesson
here for all of us in dealing with
other human beings. We must be
sensitive to their needs for
self-esteem. We must recognize their
talents and what they can bring to
bear upon whatever task lies at
hand. When a person is convinced of
his or her own importance and value,
he or she will be motivated and will
act accordingly.
Understanding the dialogue between
Moses and Chovav in this manner
allows us to readily accept the
conclusion of our Sages. They filled
in the "rest of the story" and
assured us that Chovav was finally
convinced by Moses' second argument
and did indeed join his fate and
those of his descendants to the
destiny of the Jewish people.
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1099. |
Parshas Shlach
Tzitzis & the Heart
By YVY
Torah taken to heart creates a spiritual
light that shines within a person.
Tzitzis has a similar effect, but on the
body. Tzitzis creates a protective light
around a person's body and even effects
their thoughts. The Bracha on the Talis
(the Arizal would make this Bracha on
Tzitzis too) is "Lhisatef BaTzitzis",
because the effect of Tzitzis is Misatef
- it completely surrounds the body. This
is why the Seforim say it's an Inyan to
wear Tzitzis at night too - not to break
this protection. The Mitzvah of Tzitzis
corresponds to a fulfillment of all
Mitzvos because its effect is all
encompassing, on all parts of the body.
The famous story of the man who was
meticulous with Tzitzis who was saved
from Aveirah in Menachos 44a supports
this idea.
In these 2 ways we are protected from
the thoughts of the heart, and avoiding
this Lo Sa'seh is within our reach if we
allow Hashem's Torah and the special
Mitzvah of Tzitzis to enter our heart,
our bloodstream, and completely envelop
us. To the degree that we do this we
will be protected - that is Hashem's
promise.
The question I and many others have
had, is how can I have impure thoughts
if I learn Torah, if I know that Hashem
is always watching? What happened to the
special power of Torah to protect us
from this? "Hamaor Shebah Machziro
L'Mutav." Has all my Torah learning
helped? Why am I still spinning with
impure thoughts and actions?
The answer is that Torah does have a
special power to keep us pure, but not
if it only remains in the mental state,
as thoughts in our mind. For Torah to
protect us it must enter the heart, it
must make an emotional connection. I
think that's why Chazal compare Torah to
a Tavlin - a medical remedy. Medicine
has an effect when it enters our
bloodstream - when the heart pumps it
throughout the entire body. If it
remains localized, it has little effect.
If we connect with Torah emotionally,
not just as a mental activity, then the
medicinal powers of Torah will rid us of
all impurities in thought, and
consequently in action.
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Link of the Day
Lo Sasuru Acharei Levavchem
Facebook Dangers
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Three Recent Testimonials
1.
Picking myself up with a smile
Received today from Aaron
I"ve been receiving your emails for a
good couple of months now, and I thank
Hashem for them. It gives me great
chizuk in my times of need. I notice
from time to time how my demeanor has
changed changed for the better. For
example, I live a very hectic life with
KE"H a decent size family. Some of the
children are diagnosed with ADHD/ADD and
keep us on our toes. Many a times, it
gets to a breaking point from all the
tension. I start feeling sorry for
myself, and get depressed. Once
depressed, it's downhill from there.
Lately, I stop myself and think. What
does Hashem want from me? What will I
accomplish by getting depressed? He gave
me so much! I start thinking, what have
I read in the GYE emails I receive, how
people, just like me, get tested and
pass with flying colors! I want to be
just like them. So, I pick myself up and
continue with a smile (most of the
time).
I have been clean now for about 4
months, B"H. This is not my longest
streak, but it's different now. I have a
purpose, a goal and an understanding of
what is expected of me. I'm so proud to
part of GYE and even prouder to be part
of Klal Yisroel.
Thank you Hashem!
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2. Kiddush For Jack
Jack, who is clean for over 3
years on GYE wrote us recently:
The story is told about R' Chaim Pinchas
Sheinberg zt'l, that he gave a kiddush
when he heard that the Yankees won and
he realized that he absolutely didn't
care anymore!
Now, a cause for celebration for
me!!!! I have no desire to see
the upcoming movie about John Gotti!!!
Even though I love reading about the
mafia, I know the movies will be filled
with shmutz, just like everything else
that comes out of Hollywood.
Before Pesach, Reb Guard 'made me' throw
out all my movies in honor of biur chometz.
As a direct result of that action, I am
no longer interested in Hollywood
movies!!! Thanks to R' Guard once again
for not letting me slip away, which he
could easily have done when I had
difficult times. But he understood that
it's a difficult battle, and that's why
I am still around, going step by step. I
feel that B"H I am always going forward,
thanks to GYE.
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3.
The Best Headache
From Yosef in SA
Even though this was the 'rockiest
year' in 7 years, I still hope to be
at 8 years sober in SA this summer
be"H.
I downloaded the
GYE App to block internet on my
Blackberry. As a result, I go
through a tircha when I need web
access, even to download a shiur. I
have to find the time to ask others
to give me access on their
computer...
BORUCH HASHEM! I rejoice in this
'headache', because it's ZERO DOUBT
right now compared to the 'other
headache' that I would be bringing
on myself if I DID have web access
readily available today :-)
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The KBA Initiative (KBA = K'nas
Based Accountability)
New! Launching
by Venishmartem in
conjunction with Yishmereini.
Free Accountability
Program for GYE Members!
The idea of Internet
Accountability is simple: A
person will not view
inappropriate material on the
internet if others could see
what they have viewed. This
concept is not new. Our Sages
tell us that a shomer (guardian)
that has the ability to check up
on someone is an effective
safeguard against sin. Many
Halachic authorities have
declared the Internet to be no
different than being alone with
a woman (yichud). The most
effective way to counter this is
by appointing a shomer - someone
that can "checkup" on your
activity and ensure the internet
is being used only for good.
Yishmoreini is an accountability
system that was set up in
Lakewood a few years ago,
whereby everyone in a given
Kehillah or Shul signs up to
have their internet usage
monitored through the Covenant
Eyes software. Suspicious
reports are reviewed by a live
representative and if they are
found to be problematic, the
report is sent to the person's
Rav. To protect privacy, each
member has a code number and
only the Rav knows which code
belongs to which member.
One drawback to the standard
Yishmoreini model is that it is
not easy to get the cooperation
of an entire Kehilla and its Rav.
After the recent internet Assifa
in Citi-Field, Yishmoreini has
been bombarded by requests from
around the world. Although they
have many Shuls signed up in
Lakewood, they are not able to
provide a solution for those
people whose Rav and Kehilla are
not involved.
And that's where the KBA
(K'nas Based Accountability)
system comes in!
By joining the Venishmartem
Community on Yishmoreini.com,
you can remain anonymous and no
one will see your reports. The
accountability is achieved
instead through a "K'nas" that
is agreed upon during sign-up.
The minimum K'nas for a bad
report is $150. (You may want to
increase it). The reports are
checked over by a live person to
make sure there is no room for
mistakes. If a bad report is
confirmed, your credit card will
be charged the predetermined
K'nas within 48 hours (and you
will be sent an e-mail of chizuk
and resources that can help you
stay strong for next time).
How to Sign Up:
(1) Go to www.yishmoreini.com and
click "Sign-Up".
(2) Select: "Venishmartem
Community (K'nas Based
Accountability)" from the "Your
Rav" dropdown.
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I'm not an animal
"Tshuvah Now" shared:
Thanks for the constant chizuk. B"H I am
on day 16 today!
Hi, just wanted to share and amazing
quote from the Chazon Ish z"l:
"מעלתו
ויחודיו של האדם אינו בכך שיכול לעשות מה שרוצה אלא
בכך שיכול לעשות מה שאינו רוצה"
Translation: "The greatness and
uniqueness of man is not that he can
do that which he wants,
but rather that he can do that which he
does not want
"
Meaning: what separates us from animals
is our ability to act against our
desires!!
When the yetzer hora tries to lure us
into the trap of our physical desires,
we should just say to him: I am not an
animal, I am a human being! I CAN resist
the temptation! I don't have to give in
to you and I won't!!
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Links of the Day
Great Recordings to Download
By Eye.Nonymous
SA and Recovery Audio Recordings
Here's a huge stash (hundreds of
recordings) at these two links:
SA
Recordings
Daily Reprieve
And I'd like to point out two specific
sets of recordings:
Back to Basics
This is a recording of four one-hour
sessions which covers all twelve steps.
It's very straightforward and very
practical.
Big Book on Audio
This is an audio recording of the Big
Book.
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